Fun with Franchises: Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981), Part II — “Goddamnit Kids, Shut Up and Drink This Wine”

mWe continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.

We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.

We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.

Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.

Right now, we’re doing the Indiana Jones franchise, and today is the second part of Raiders of the Lost Ark.

We begin Part II with…

A MOTHERFUCKIN’ SEAPLANE!

Colin:

Nice plane. NICE plane. Only problem is, it’s a postwar plane. This is more than ten years too early for this plane. They should have gotten a Martin, or a Sikorsky.

Martin and Sikorsky sound like those two guys in the squad that get picked off first.

“Sikorsky, why aren’t those papers on my desk like I asked?”

Colin:

Probably cause he made a lot of helicopters and those totally fuck your inbox.

Shifty man in a trenchcoat. Must be a Nazi.

If only he had red hair…

Colin:

Oh, Mike. Nobody ever heard of a readheaded Nazi.

I don’t know. Percy was a DICK.

“Nice to see you again, Dr. Jones.”

And your moldy ass suitcase.

Remember when airplanes were made of the same materials as tiki huts?

Colin:

The 1930s? Or now, in South America?

This is my kind of fucking airplane. You can bring a gun onboard, it’s docked on the water, it looks like a Brazilian whorehouse inside, and before you sit down, they’re offering you booze.

Colin:

WHO SAYS ‘NO’ TO THAT DRINK?

Remember when everyone wore hats? Those were the days.

Interesting. Indy is a window seater. It’s always fun to see what type of seat a person likes on an airplane. I myself will always take a window seat unless a flight is more than six to eight hours. I just want to sit in my little corner, and do my thing, and not be bothered having to get up for anyone else. And if it is a long flight, the only reason I’m not taking a window is because I don’t want to piss everyone else off when I have to get up and walk around.

Colin:

I’m always a window. I fly back and forth between Tokyo and Connecticut about three times a year, and I’ve gotten good at it. If you’re flying an Asian airline (I prefer All Nippon Airways — Singapore Airlines was surprisingly meh), they’ll booze you up at least a few times during the first few hours.

As long as I pee before the flight, I’m usually good for at least 6 hours, which means only getting up once on the long haul. I time it when the people next to me are getting up and it’s all very easy. I was flying Air Canada last year and got an EXIT ROW seat, which was great. The flight attendant was Quebecois, as were my neighbors, and so he kept on bringing back more booze for our row. And when you have to pee, you just stand up and the bathroom is like right there. I got drunk and watched Trailer Park Boys.

Exit rows are the best. All you have to do is agree to help the body count in case something goes wrong.

But I think we can all agree that middle seat is the fucking worst. I got stuck in a middle on a flight back from Vegas once, and even though it was an hour, it was awful.

Colin:

I’ve been in the middle from New York to Tokyo, which is 14.5 hours. That’s not pleasant.

Told you he was a shifty Nazi.

Colin:

Creepy motherfucker reading Life magazine. Good job, asshole. You brought a single magazine on a 72 hour flight.

I like to do this in social situations. Peak suspiciously over a magazine, then dip my head back down.

I do a lot of things with the assumption that someone is paying attention.

Colin:

Which is totally the way to do things, cause if nobody’s watching, you’re good. And if someone IS watching, HOW DID HE KNOW I WAS WATCHING HIM

I can’t sleep on planes.

Then again, I’m not on planes enough for that to be a trend.

It’s more of a comfort thing to me. I’ll stay awake and sleep more afterward when I can enjoy my sleep, rather than doing it because I can’t go anywhere else.

Colin:

I don’t sleep on planes either, mostly because I can’t. You’d think that as much time as I spend on planes, especially on long flights, that I’d sleep. Turns out staying awake for my entire 7000 mile bed-to-bed journey (usually about 28 hours) is the most effective way to combat jetlag. You just power through and by the time you get to your destination, you wait until it’s time to go to bed there, and you’ll sleep until it’s time to wake up there no problem. I turn 14 hours of jetlag into 2 or 3 in a single day. Most people can’t do that without cocaine.

That’s what happened when I moved out to LA. I had to get up at like 4am (after going to bed at like, 2 am) and then ended up landing in LA around 11 after a 6 hour flight (love that time difference coming west). And then I got to my place and signed the lease and everything and then went out to get groceries, made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich (Welch’s Grape. The only proper jelly), and passed out at 6 o’clock, and woke up at 6 o’clock the next morning. And no jet lag whatsoever.

The other trick I learned was, when flying back to New York, fly out at night. Get on a 9pm flight, and you get in at like, 5:30 in the morning, New York time, but to you, it’s only like 2 in the morning. Which is reasonable. And then it’s just day, so you’re able to power through a few hours, can take a nap midday, and then get a bunch of sleep that night.

Map travel!

He’s stopping at a lot of places that would be nice for a vacation.

Colin:

These montages are some of my favorite parts of these movies.

They don’t show you the asshole next to him with the service dog and the other person who won’t stop trying to chat up the hot chick who clearly wants nothing to do with his personal trainer start-up idea.

Kind of a long way to get to Cairo. Especially when you were just on the east coast.

Oh, he’s going to Nepal. That’s why.

This looks like where the opening Spy Who Loved Me chase happened.

DRINKING CONTEST!

Colin:

Nepalese drunks. So, you know, Nepalese.

The funny thing about this scene in 1981 is probably the fact that people saw this and went, “He’s going up against a woman? She can’t drink!”

And now it’s like, you see a woman against a man in a drinking contest, you immediately think, “He’s fucked!”

See, the problem is not doing the shots, it’s what comes after you do the shots.

She’s gonna have a fun date with the toilet later.

The idea is that she’s putting on an act until she sees more money go on him?

Colin:

“Ooooooooooh!” “SHUT THE FUCK UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP!” In case you don’t speak Nepalese.

Colin:

What a piece of shit. You just lost to a little American chick.

What’s with the titty light back there?

You guys remember The Deer Hunter?

Did she just tell them the bar is closed?

That’s how you end the night? That’s actually smart. Don’t have to run the bar after doing all those shots.

Plus it’s nice that you can be like, “All right, I’ve made enough, I’m drunk. Get the fuck out.”

He’s staring right at her ass.

Aww yeah.

Colin:

The shadow. That’s brilliant.

Colin:

She throws the glasses! This is so wannabe 30s, it’s great.

“Hello, Marion.”

“Indiana Jones.”

The first time we hear his full name.

It had to be when the chick showed up.

That’s why this is throwback.

Also, funnily enough, apparently they were gonna call him Indiana Smith until the actual first day of production.

“I always knew someday you’d come walking back through my door.”

How long have you had that door?

He is flattered easily.

Goddamn. That’s a punch.

Colin:

Damn! I love the kinda woman who can kick my ass. That’s a punch.

“I learned to hate you in the last ten years.”

Were the finals hard?

Also, that’s the key to a scene like this. Melodrama on a dime.

“I never meant to hurt you.”

He’s just a jealous guy?

“I was a child, I was in love. It was wrong and you knew it.”

“You knew what you were doing.”

Colin:

I just checked the actual timing on this, and Indiana is 10 years older than her and they split when she was 16, after two years of dating. Which means that he, as a 24-year-old, was dating a 14-year-old girl. Even for the 1920s, that’s fucked up.

She’s clearly got some Abner issues.

Also, “You knew what you were doing”? No, she didn’t.

That’s pretty fucked up, that a 24 year old was fucking a 14 year old and was like, “You knew what you were doing.”

That’s a really strange thing to be one of the foundations of this franchise.

But I guess at least he marries her at the end. So there’s that, right?

Cradle to the grave.

“Now I do. This is my place. Get out!”

What if he told her she was too old for him now?

“You too. Scram, motherfucker.”

That would totally be me. The guy showing up late, after everyone’s been thrown out of the bar.

Every argument scene in a public place and every action movie needs to have that guy. The one who shows up, mid-scene like, “This isn’t where I parked my car” / “Fuck, I hope I’m not too late for the circle jerk!”

“I did what I did. You don’t have to be happy about it. Maybe we can help each other out now.”

Colin:

How many times have I used that line on a girl? “I did what I did, you don’t have to be happy about it.”

Let’s not forget the “maybe we can help each other out now” part.

“I need one of the pieces your father collected.”

A HA HA HA. Remember all that personal shit we went through? That doesn’t matter right now. It’s a big white building with patients in it. I need some shit your father got. I’m not interested in your bullshit.

“It’s round, looks like a dilated vagina, kind of like this.”

Hey — hey Marion. You’re not looking at my vagina description.

That’s a nice take that bar got tonight. Though I guess half of that was her.

If the owner of a bar is in a drinking contest, how are they paying for their drinks? Someone could have been behind the bar, stealing from her.

“Where’s Abner?”

Fun fact: That was the original title. But then they thought Abner didn’t test well among 18-24s, so they went with an equally white sounding name.

Which is convenient, because Abner and Waldo Hess were the brothers who helped pioneer what would eventually become the modern day blueprint for covert ops.

Oh, but yeah… “Where’s Abner?”

Good question. Where is Abner?

Take it away, Rockapella!

“Abner’s dead.”

Do we ever find out how?

That would also be the sad twist ending to Waldo.

“He’s not here.”

Cut to him, in a hospital bed, looking gaunt, as the heart monitor flatlines.

“Marion, I’m sorry.”

Now can I have that vagina?

That is, I mean the vagina thing your father had.

No, I meant it both ways.

“Do you know what you did to me, to my life?”

Well, when you say it with that body language…

“I can only say I’m sorry so many times.”

FLIPPIN’ TABLES!

“Well say it again anyway!”

Colin:

I love how over the top this is. I was able to follow it when I was three. That’s how cliche it all is, and yet…I can’t help but like it.

I can never get upset with someone flipping tables.

Mildly disappointed if they waste alcohol, but even then, the table flipping surpasses that.

This is a woman who knows her priorities. Don’t throw the glasses until they’re empty.

“I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, everybody’s sorry. Abner was sorry for dragging me all over this earth, looking for his little bits of junk, I’m sorry to still be stuck in this dive.”

Dive? Shit, I’d love to be stuck in that place. If you told me I would be financially stable, own my own bar, lived on top of it, and got to hang out there and drink every night, I’d sign up for that right now.

“Everybody’s sorry for something.”

I’m sorry for Zubaz.

He says it’s a worthless medallion, and she’s got to give it to him.

Now… I’m no expert (which we know isn’t true. I’m a complete expert. But let’s go with it anyway), but if someone you haven’t seen in ten years who really fucked you over good (granted, probably in both ways that phrase can be taken), shows up out of nowhere, knowing how you probably felt about them, and asked for a random favor, something you have that they need… chances are it’s not worthless. Like, “Hey… you remember that baseball card I gave you ten years ago? Can I have that back?” Obviously it’s fucking worth something. No, because we’re just all huge Gary DiSarcina fans.

Just to keep score, because I’m always amused by how they block scenes and what the actors do while they say the lines – she put a bunch of shot glasses on a tray, about half the tray, then brought them to the counter. She then knocked them off the tray in a fit of rage, then went back, put most of the remaining glasses on the tray, went back to the counter for a minute for no reason, then came back with the glasses still on the tray to pick up the rest of the stuff. All of this could have been done in one trip. Maybe two, given the situation.

But we don’t care, because EMOTIONS.

She says she doesn’t know where the artifact is. He says, “Maybe you can find it,” and offers her $3,000.

You know what you get for $3,000 in Nepal?

Really, though, what can you get for $2,000 in Marrakesh?

That’s a title I’d like to see the results of.

That’s good. But it ain’t enough.

He says he can get her another two.

I kind of respect the amount of money he’s putting into this archaeological adventure. It’s always more interesting when someone invests a bunch of their own (presumably. If it’s the University’s money, then he’s a dick. No wonder they’re always asking for donations) money into an unknown venture.

“It’s important, Marion.”

I thought it was worthless.

“Trust me.”

Notice how they cut in there.

This is one of those moments where, depending on who you are, you see something different in this. Some people are thinking, “He’s turning on the charm.” Others are thinking, “He’s being such a huge asshole right now.” Others are thinking, “Are you fucking kidding me?” And Marion’s thinking:

That’s the proper reaction when someone tells you to trust them.

I love how he puts the money in her hand like, “Ahh! You took it! That’s a legally binding contract!”

Colin:

This is a great movement. Stop someone from hitting you, and put a wad of bills in their open hand.

She’s gonna blow him now, isn’t she?

Never mind.

“Come back tomorrow.”

Colin:

Colors.

“Why?”

“Because I said so, that’s why.”

So she wanted to hit him, but then he gave her money and now she wants to bang him?

This relationship is based on all the worst kinds of values.

“Ha! See you tomorrow, Indiana Jones!”

What’s with the hair flip?

Look at this place. This is amazing. I want to own this place.

Shiftiness.

Colin:

Shia LaBeouf must have had fetal alcohol syndrome.

What, she just had that shit around her neck the whole time? What if she got too drunk and passed out and the locals raped her?

How do you wear that shit around her neck? That’s the size of a tea saucer!

“Hmm… I wonder why this is so important to him?”

Why the fuck are you wearing it around your neck? Seriously. It’s not like it’s a normal sized medallion. That shit can actually cover your entire breast.

I’m so confused by that I’m not even bringing up the fact that she’s talking out loud to herself for no reason at all.

And it makes fires go out.

“Count my money… party with bitches…”

If you had that around your neck, why are you making him come back tomorrow? Because you’re too drunk and want to fuck him? And you want to look good when you do it? Or are you gonna skip town on him?

She was the mother in the Sandlot. I like to think that between this movie and Kigndom of the Crystal Skull she settled down with Denis Leary for a few years. And then after one more god awful dinner party at the Peffercorns’, she couldn’t take it anymore and left.

Yeah, I’m sure that’s safe. Then again, it’s also his fault for not saying how dangerous it would be if it fell into the wrong hands. And never said how she might be in danger because some Nazis were also looking for it.

I’m pretty sure she’d be more disposed to giving it to him rather than a bunch of Nazis if he mentioned that. Or the very least, we’d have gotten a really nice dialogue exchange out of it.

This is one hell of a place. Just leave the money on the bar, and put a priceless Egyptian artifact on the table. And there are barely any locks on the door, and apparently that’s fine.

Also, is this the village where the snowman from Monsters Inc. lives?

Colin:

THAT’S your cash register? The box without even a latch, screaming PLEASE ROB ME?

I still don’t understand how no one robbed her during the drinking contest.

So, $3,000 American, and probably like $30,000 Nepalese dollars. Which is like… $3,012 American.

Jew with a smoking hat.

Colin:

Introducing the creepiest person ever put on film. Arnold Toht, the Gestapo officer who does dirty work for Hitler. Here’s what blows my mind. Apparently Spielberg wanted him to be a cyborg with a metal arm that had a built-in machine gun and everything, and Lucas thought all that was too ridiculous. Doesn’t that exchange usually go the OTHER way? Lucas gets a crazy idea and Spielberg tells him to fuck off. I’m surprised.

Great shot. They shot Karen Allen really well in this.

This is a really great shot that I don’t think enough people are going to mention. I was about to say how great it is when directors have people step from darkness into the light. Because not enough people use that entrance anymore. And this would have been Spielberg’s third in the movie. Twice already has Indy stepped into the light. But this guy – he stepped from dark into the dark. Which is a perfect visual juxtaposition and immediately tells you everything you need to know about this guy. And I bet only like 30% of people watching this would pick up on that.

“Good evening, Fraulein.”

Also a big tipoff. He just calls everyone Fraulein. Doesn’t even care about trying to hide who he is. Then again, Nazis weren’t such huge villains in the world until the later 30s, so I get that.

I always call people Fraulein before I go to stick them with hot pokers.

“The bar’s closed.”

“We are… he he…we are not thirsty.”

Throw a “he he” in the middle of a sentence like that. Automatic creep factor. With that haircut and that face, he might as well be touching his dick.

“What do you want?”

I like a woman who doesn’t consider the probable danger she’s in, but instead is like, “What the fuck do you want?” and is ready to throw down if need be, thinking she can take them.

But, on the other hand, that’s a really dumb way to go about this situation.

“The same thing your friend Dr. Jones wanted. Surely he told you there would be other interested parties.”

That answers a question I didn’t ask. Were they just waiting outside this whole time, and did Indy just walk out the front door like he was leaving?

Love the pan down.

“Must have slipped his mind.”

“The man is nefarious.”

That’s not even a subtle Peter Lorre impression. I don’t have a problem with it, because Peter Lorre personifies the villain in a B movie like this, plus not enough people really know Peter Lorre anymore.

Also I want someone to say that about me. “That man is nefarious.”

What a great line to say in any movie.

Just picture Zero Mostel saying that. In that “This man should be in a straightjacket” voice.

“I hope for your sake he has not yet acquired it.”

Buddy, he acquired it years ago.

Oh, you mean the pendant thing.

Colin:

Did people back then actually cough from smoke, even if they weren’t smokers? I figured that in the 1930s, everyone was the equivalent of a heavy smoker today, just from existing around so many other smokers.

“Why, are you willing to offer more?”

Flirting doesn’t work on creepy Nazis.

“Oh, almost certainly. Do you still have it?”

“No.”

“But I know where it is.”

So do we. That’s good filmmaking.

“How about a drink for you and your men?”

How about some fucking clothes for your men? Is that guy a Nazi or just homeless?

“Your fire is dying here. Why don’t you tell me where the piece is right now?”

She offered booze and he went to talk about a fire. He’s not to be trusted.

“Listen, Herr Mac, I don’t know what kind of people you’re used to dealing with, but nobody tells me what to do in my place.”

I never understood why people always took that tone. Why not be like, “I don’t have it, but I can get it. And please, a little respect. We’re not savages. Be nice, you’ll get what you want”? Even if you won’t.

Also, Herr Mac. They’ll eventually name an entire character that in this franchise.

“Fraulein Ravenwood, let me show you what I am used to.”

What if it was Scrabble?

Rape.

Colin:

Rape noises.

Don’t kick too much.

There’s liquor back there.

She must have a hell of a glass bill.

This is almost a Rio Bravo shot.

Faces.

Drug addict Sylvester Stallone.

Or Eyes Without a Face Sylvester Stallone.

Nazi Bob Balaban.

Colin:

The laws of film dictate that this man die a horrible death.

So now she wants to be reasonable. And he goes, “That time is past.”

Now, maybe I misinterpreted what happened earlier, but no deal was struck, and nothing was really said to make him think she wasn’t going to cooperate. Except maybe the smoke in the face. This seems more scripted than unfolding naturally.

Colin:

That time is past? It’s been like fifteen seconds!

“I’ll tell you everything.”

“Yes, I know you will.”

Colin:

“I know you will, you dirty bitch!”

This shot.

…and this one.

She looks possessed.

Why isn’t it glowing anymore?

Oh, there we go.

“Let her go.”

Colin:

He’s packing a fucking hand cannon.

He’s a cautious fellow.

Man, those curtains go up just like that. Then again, this place probably is just soaked in booze at all times.

He doesn’t even have a weapon. He’s just creepily holding onto her.

Sneaky machine gun guy.

Yeah, take his hat! That’ll stop him!

He’s so sweaty.

Does no one else live in this neighborhood?

Nothing better than finding recesses from which to shoot people.

Lighting.

Honestly, I’d do that even if it weren’t a shootout.

Colin:

Are these Nepalese guys? Do the Nepalese know how to shoot?

What do the Nepalese know how to do?

Geniunely curious.

So do you not see her right next to you?

Not a good moment to flip tables.

Especially if there is fire about.

Continuity!

More shots of things being thrown and the camera following.

I love when the camera pans to shit. He’s gonna do a much better version of this in a second. Technically he’s setting it up right here.

This is awesome. I love every second of this, schematically.

He looks scarily too Asian. You know what I mean?

Spark!

Yes, cover your ears. That’ll do something.

I really hope she has insurance.

He is in a corner, right? Won’t he eventually run out of ammo? Just slowly advance toward him.

I like when you can set people on fire during a gunfight.

What’s that little notch back there? That’s not where it attaches to the stick.

“Marco!”

For those who know basic shot structure, this means a kill shot is coming.

That’s a lot of blood.

He set him on fire then shot him in the face.

Women, always giving away their positions.

Because when I’m on fire and have been shot in the face, I’m immediately thinking, “Wait, what was that sound over there?”

“Give us a kiss, love.”

Wow, that’s a shot.

That guy’s brains are on the floor and he’s on fire.

ZOMBIE BARBECUE!

What a great name for a band.

This’ll end well.

Again, though, you just screamed. How does he not know you’re there?

Colin:

Yes! Drink the booze! Popeye moment!

This is why she’s the best character. This is how you write a strong female.

No movie today would do something like this. Unless they were specifically referencing this moment.

She does have a torch in her hand, though.

This is how you shank a motherfucker.

The only word I can think of right now is ‘glandular’.

This face.

Goddamn. That was some Méliès shit.

Love these shots. That one moment where you know the guy is like, “I wasted my life.”

He never saw Venice.

His life ended behind a shitty dive bar in Nepal.

We should all be so lucky.

Without context, it looks like he’s holding him so he can pretend to fly.

Interesting haircut they gave this guy.

The Costanza.

I was gonna say some shit about how he’s not engaging, but he’s actually the smartest one here.

Waste of booze though.

“Whiskey.”

Amazing direction here.

One character says something, we whip pan to the other character, who realizes what they’re talking about and responds, and we whip pan back to the original action. All while a fucking FIGHT SCENE is going on with a ticking clock of, “He’s gonna get set on fire if this doesn’t happen.”

Spielberg captures action so well. I want people, the next time they watch this movie, to watch it just paying attention to how Spielberg shot it. It’s so fucking good.

And, to go off on a tangent — I actually think he should have won Best Director for this movie that year. I don’t mind Warren Beatty winning for Reds so much, but when you look at the respective jobs — this one should have won. (Either of those were a better choice over Chariots of Fire, but seriously, the way he assembled this movie is a thing of beauty.)

Steven Spielberg is the John Ford of our generation and I honestly wouldn’t have a problem if he had four Best Director awards. (And it doesn’t have to be for specific films, either. Ford won for some movies he necessarily didn’t need to win for. He won for The Informer, The Grapes of Wrath, How Green Was My Valley, and The Quiet Man. The Informer won because of the year, How Green Was My Valley won because of the Citizen Kane stuff. To me, he has Schindler’s List and Saving Private Ryan. Those are both great choices. I’d have given him one for this movie, and also one for Jaws. But since they didn’t nominate him for Jaws, I can’t say that. Based on the year, I’d have given him one for The Color Purple. And that would be his fourth.)

This must have been fun to shoot.

“Shoot them.”

Gotta love how they just have the one Mafioso type with them. Axis powers, man.

“Shoot them both.”

Colin:

Dumb. “Shoot zem both.” Now your dude that you were paying wants to shoot YOU.

Reaction shots are the key to comedy.

I like when people use other peoples’ guns to shoot guys with.

Well that was convenient.

Colin:

Oh man, Hot Pockets, anyone?

Ha ha. Fuck you.

Ever get so mad you ran through a flaming door?

Also, really? You drop it and run out? Fucking take it, run out and then put your hand in the snow. If you really wanted that thing, you’d have walked out with it.

Why is that other guy still trying to kill Indy? The guy who hired him was just about to have him killed.

NICE punch.

You little bitch.

Foreign object!

(Get it?)

Hey, he’s still alive.

He can still see Venice!

Great shot.

Aren’t you standing right next to Marion? How did you get up without her noticing? And how did you get up without doing anything to her for knocking you out? What are these guys’ motivations right now?

Gun shot, and he looks down.

The principles of filmmaking tell us the other guy wasn’t the one who fired.

Because we all know that once you get shot, you have no reaction whatsoever for five second and only look down just as the blood starts seeping through your shirt.

What’s that one pink bottle? I bet whoever orders that gets made fun of for weeks.

Fucking Venice, man.

Colin:

The most obvious shit, done by the book. Pointing the gun, gunshot, cut to Indiana, not shot, back to the dude, who’s now dead.

I’m trying to think if movies have gotten stricter or looser about women killing people.

Ahh… Tuesday.

Yeah, I’m sure that makes it cool enough to pick up.

Well… there goes your $3,000.

“Well Jones, at least you haven’t forgotten how to show a lady a good time.”

And he hasn’t even used his dick yet.

“I’ll tell you what… until I get back my $5,000, you’re gonna get more than you bargained for.”

What did he bargain for?

“I’m your goddamn partner.”

Colin:

Hah. Pokemon plot device! You wrecked my tavern (bike), so I’m going to follow you until you pay me back! Yet another reason to believe that Misty wanted that D.

Colin:

Really? There was a DC-3 in Nepal at this point? Really?

Map travel is so much quicker.

Oh, I thought they were gonna drop Marion off at Saudi Arabia.

The place of sand castles and fixing bitches.

This plane stopped in all the places I don’t want to go.

Welcome to Cairo, bitches.

And hello, John Rhys-Davies.

Just got there, and already she has booze.

“Cairo, city of the living.”

Really? Isn’t Egyptian society based around the dead?

But apparently not a city of buttons.

“Goddamnit, kids, shut up and drink this wine.”

Colin:

Of course John Rhys-Davies has like nine kids. Treebeard got his nuts.

Ah, a monkey that came out of nowhere. I’m sure that’s sanitary.

I like how you can see him chained to the table.

Monkey, you drunkard.

“Oh, no.”

That’s right. Waste of booze.

Do people not question monkeys in Egypt?

“What an adorable creature.”

That kid’s teeth are fascinating to me.

Look at the monkey, trying to shut her up.

I like how she’s trying to pretend it’s spontaneous, yet she’s holding onto the tail like the handler said, so it doesn’t run off.

Also, “So I got this monkey, let’s make sex eyes at each other.”

“Goddamnit, babe, you know how much it turns me on when you have a monkey on your shoulder.”

Colin:

A girl with a monkey on her face is a beautiful girl.

“I knew the chairmans’d hire you, Sallah. You’re the best digger in Egypt.”

Sand digger.

They found the map room three days ago. Even though they’re pretty dumb. Well… except the French archaeologist.

Belloq.

What’s the Elvish word for douchebag?

Yes, it is funny when other people laugh.

Why is Belloq helping the Nazis? Simply because he’s an antagonist, and that’s what they do?

Anyway, they’re close to the Well of Souls.

Colin:

“It is as if the pharaohs had returned.” Oh! Get it? They were mean to Jews, too.

“Well, they’re not gonna find it without this.”

Colin:

You always go to the local and have them take a look at some shit that you need deciphered.

And sometimes that local turns out to be a snake in disguise.

“Indy – there is something that troubles me.”

The fiscal responsibility of all of those children?

“The Ark. If it is there, at Tanis, then it is something that man was not meant to disturb.”

I don’t like the “at Tanis” inclusion. Expositional bullshit.

“Death has always surrounded it. It is not of this earth.”

How do you know death has always surrounded it?

And that it’s not of this earth?

Does that guy have a bucket business?

Or are those his bags?

“Do we really need the monkey?”

“I’m surprised at you, Jones. Talking that way about our baby. Look, he’s got your looks.”

Colin:

The monkey. Is Shia.

“And your brain.”

And there goes the monkey.

“She’ll be all right, have a date.”

That’s it. “Ehh, the kid’ll be fine. Eat this.”

Why are you so attached to that monkey?

I also like how, as she’s pulled away, she’s like, “What’s this?” It feels unscripted. Like she didn’t realize he put something in her hand and was like, “Wait, what did you just give me?” And he’s like, “It’s a date, you eat ‘em!”

Great moment. I like little spontaneous moments like that.

Colin:

“It’s a date. You eat ‘em!” Genius. This script is genius.

If we’re following the monkey, you know it’s not for anything good.

Shifty ass A-rab!

Colin:

Oh, right. THIS shifty motherfucker. Arab, turban, eyepatch…the shifty trifecta.

The Shifty Trifecta.

“Zeig Heil!”

Monkey runs to Arab. Arab runs to Nazis. Nazis run up on Indy.

I think this is the societal chain of command.

The French have already given up on this analogy.

‘Yeah, yeah.”

Those are the real Nazis, the ones that are like, “Yeah, yeah, the salute.”

NAZI MONKEY!

Colin:

A monkey doing the salute is amusing.

Also, in case you couldn’t tell, the voice of the monkey was provided by Frank Welker (aka Megatron), who also did the voice of Abu.

So he just salutes, points, and leaves? And information was exchanged during this?

Shifty ass A-rabs don’t run.

I want baskets like that.

That’s more like it.

I like how you can tell they shot this on a smaller budget. It adds character to the film. Actually, they only spent $20 million on this. Which, to put it into perspective – they spent $20 million on Tootsie. But because they made it for $20 million, Lucas had a deal that let him own 40% of the movie and collect half the profits after the film made a certain amount of money. Which… after Star Wars… there’s a reason the dude was able to just give away $175 million to USC like it was nothing.

Nazi Tom Cruise.

“Good morning. In less than an hour…”

This is actually a shot I associate with the Sicily scenes in The Godfather.

That was weird. He just stands there and looks the guys over, then the other dude comes in and does the same, and nothing is said.

Ah, this conversation. How come he never found a “nice girl to settle down with.” No subtext to that question at all.

The only thing better than this shot is if he’s flipping a quarter in his hand.

That’s pretty great. Creepy guy, standing in an alley, then here come four turbaned friends.

Her father said he was a bum. The best bum he ever trained. Loved him like a son. Took a hell of a lot to alienate the two.

“Not much, just you.”

That’s great. He fucked his mentor’s daughter. Scalawag 101.

I hate it when this happens to me at the Farmer’s Market.

This shit needs to happen in every movie.

Down, bitch!

That’s his move? Jump into him like that?

Just go ahead, jump into a guy.

Damn, they’re going for the throat.

Also pretty funny. Leave the white people to their business.

SWING, and a miss.

P.S. when seen in regular speed, that’s the weakest hit I’ve ever seen.

“Marion, get out of here!”

“Oh, wait, there’s no time, just blow me instead.”

Why is everybody cheering? Is that a human thing? Everyone likes violence?

Looks like Dennis Quaid.

Remember when she was a strong character?

I like how he just throws her around.

I can’t tell if this is an 80s thing or just trying to be a 30s thing.

Did this guy’s business ever recover from this?

Worst fight ever. They’re just pushing each other.

Then again, actually realistic in that regard.

Colin:

This is funny fight music. This lets you know it’s going to be mostly slapstick.

Facial expressions.

Look at his face. “WHAT THE FUCK, DAVE?!”

Sword fruit trick.

Way to maintain continuity. They just turned around 90 degrees in that shot.

Colin:

Oh, whipping minorities. Another Hollywood convention.

For something so well associated with him, he doesn’t really use it all that much, does he? This is the one time he’s using it for what it is. Most of the time, he’s using it in bullshit ways that strain credulity.

Did the whip scare the horses? Or was this propelled by the plot?

I like to think that pose is deliberate. That’s that, “Yeah, Imma hang back like a PIMP” pose.

I see a little Cruise in there, a little Quaid, and actually some Fred MacMurray as well.

Clearly these dudes don’t speak a word of German.

What does that horse think it’s doing right now?

Why get out?

Yes, that’ll work.

That’s not a knife.

“This is a knife.”

Technically you should win this exchange. I can’t imagine their orders are to kill you.

Look at your teeth.

Colin:

Ew, he has a gross face and gross teeth. And what a dirty knife.

He probably picks his teeth with that knife.

PEACE!

Man, the old Beef Brisket gag.

Singlehandedly ended the Boer War.

One of my favorite shots in all of cinema. Someone dragging a body. Bonus points if it’s offscreen.

Colin:

And now she has her way with him.

Just like Lana Turner.

Single shot, by the way. All of that. She runs in, he follows, he falls out of doorway, she drags him in, she looks out, and then takes off.

And now she’s gonna hop into a barrel. In terms of craftsmanship, that’s a perfect shot.

And it’s still going. SEE THAT HOLLYWOOD? THIS IS HOW YOU STAGE SOMETHING.

I don’t get it. If I were shooting a movie, I’d try to see how far I could go without cutting. Why would you even do anything otherwise?

The key is getting information across. Are you unable to follow anything that’s happening right now?

Evil monkey.

Colin:

This monkey needs to die.

You look like Rodney Dangerfield’s son from Back to School.

“I trusted you!”

That’s the face of resignation.

“Marion!”

Colin:

I love that Harrison Ford yells like a crazy person.

Is there always this much activity in this square?

Lotta people carrying baskets today.

Great shot. The weary look and everyone clearing out behind him.

Naturally, we have to talk about this. Everybody knows the story. The entire cast and crew (except for Spielberg, apparently. Because all he ate was Spaghetti O’s he brought with him) got sick during filming. And there was supposed to be this whole scene here, where Indy eventually used his whip to get the sword out of the swordsman’s hands. But because Ford was sick and couldn’t do it, he said, “Couldn’t I just shoot him instead?” So we got this. One of the most memorable moments in cinema.

How great is that? The whole complicated sword thing, and then he just shoots him.

Colin:

This actually made me kinda sad as a kid. Cause here’s this guy with a sword, renowned for his skills and stuff, and Jones just ends him like an annoyance. Not quite honorable. Not quite on the same level. Which, in real life, I’d do the same thing. But you’re watching this like, man, what a waste.

I don’t know, this shot is pretty great.

He just shot a guy, and is like, “Where in the hell did I park my car?”

That barrel’s got a baby bump.

Colin:

We do have that attitude don’t we? “YOU CAN’T DO THIS TO ME! I’M AN AMERICAN!” I say that while waiting at restaurants. White women.

If I’m saying it, I’m saying it like Dennis Hopper in Apocalypse Now.

What exactly are they crowding around? They were there to see the fight, he shot the guy, and then they dispersed. Now, they’re just standing around, in his way, not moving. They don’t even let him through. It’s like they’re there to see something, but the only person they’d be standing around to see is him. It makes no sense that they’re just standing there, not letting him through.