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Fun with Franchises: Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981), Part III — “Oh Brown Child, You’ve Really Done It This Time”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.

We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.

We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.

Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.

Right now, we’re doing the Indiana Jones franchise, and today is the third part of Raiders of the Lost Ark.

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We begin Part III after Indy’s true love exploded.

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If my true love exploded, I’d get drunk with a monkey.

Honestly, if it were even an option, I’d get drunk with a monkey.

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Does Egypt have any blue shit?

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He doesn’t know that monkey is a Nazi.

Does it talk in its sleep?

Bedtime for Bonzo.

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Colin:

“I loved her, monkey. I really loved her. Hey, someone put on some Whitesnake.”

That monkey looks like we all do right when we’re at the too drunk point and are about to pass out, but then somebody puts on something good, and in your haze, you’re like, “What? Ghostface?”

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That’s not a very big drink. Pour yourself three of those next time.

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I like the coloring here.

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Shifty ass A-rab got a bike!

Like a ‘Rab out of Hell.

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What a great shot. I wanna give someone the stink eye while my monkey ponders the meaning of life.

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Ah, ze Germans are here.

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Weird how he just agrees to go with them.

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Take the monkey and the booze.

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Wait, so they’re just bringing him inside the bar?

Is there gonna be blue shit?

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Monkeys are real wild cards. He just grabbed that dude’s face.

That guy also looks more like Nazi Josh Brolin right now.

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Belloq.

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Belloq doing opium.

Or, I guess hashish. Either way, really.

Colin:

I want a hookah at every meeting.

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“Good afternoon, Dr. Jones.”

Can we talk about how bizarre that was? He’s drinking outside this bar, and some Nazis come up like, “Come with us,” and he follows them. And they bring him inside the bar and just leave him there. And then he looks around, somehow not seeing Belloq behind him, and Belloq, who is smoking hashish, has to say something to get him to turn around. What is going on? The big showdown between hero archaeologist and antagonist archaeologist happens in a bar when one is drunk and one is high. This movie is famous, guys.

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“I oughta kill you right now.”

“Not a very private place for a murder.”

That would be a great title. A Private Place for Murder.

Though, you’re in a bar in a brown country. Are there even police? And if a murder were committed, do you think they’re really gonna say shit?

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Yeah, put that bottle down!

“Well these Arabs don’t care if we kill each other, they’re not gonna interfere in our business.”

See? As long as you don’t kill a brown person, they don’t give a fuck what you do.

“It wasn’t I who brought the girl into this business.”

Technicality.

 

“Please, sit down before you fall down. We can at least behave like civilized people.”

Can we, Belloq? Can we?

I love the acknowledgement that he’s wasted in this scene.

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“I see your taste in friends remains consistent.”

He’s such a dick, I love it.

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“How odd, that it should end this way for us, after so many stimulating encounters.”

Which we’ll never see.

“I almost regret it.”

Almost.

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“Where shall I find a new adversary so close to my own level?”

“Try the local sewer.”

Colin:

I want a nemesis. And no, alcoholism doesn’t count.

That’s not a nemesis as much as it is an old friend. Since you can have friends who are bad influences.

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“You and I are very much alike. Archaeology is our religion. Yet we have both fallen from the pure faith.”

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“Our methods are not different as much as you pretend. I am a shadowy reflection of you. It would take only a nudge to make you like me. To push you out of the light.”

This is a great discussion.

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“Now you’re getting nasty.”

“You know it’s true.”

I love a scene where the hero and the villain sit down and discuss things without the threat of violence. Well, outside of the requisite threats of violence.

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“Look at this – it’s worthless. Ten dollars from a vendor in the street. But I take it, I bury it in the sand for a thousand years, it becomes priceless. Like the Ark. Men will kill for it. Men like you and me.”

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“What about your boss? Der Fuhrer? I thought he was waiting to take possession.”

Colin:

Way to Say ‘Der Fuhrer’ Like an Asshole, Harrison Ford.

“All in good time. When I’m finished with it. Jones, do you realize what the Ark is? It’s a transmitter. It’s a radio for speaking to God. And it’s within my reach.”

This scene lays out a couple of things: the fact that Indy isn’t as pure as we’d think, but not as ruthless as Belloq makes him out to be. And also the fact that Belloq thinks the Ark will give him something more than money and fame (or, I guess, fortune and glory). Which is the villain’s downfall.

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“You wanna talk to God? Let’s go see him together. I’ve got nothing better to do.”

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That’s great. He’s like, “You wanna die? Fuck it, I’m good.” And was ready to get everyone shot. These are the best characters. Too bad the film won’t let him follow through.

Colin:

He was gonna end that shit for the both of them. Cold blooded. You never wanna play this game with someone who has nothing to lose. I once made the mistake of playing NFL Blitz with someone who had just been cheated on. It was a bloodbath.

I also remember another time where NFL Blitz was played where the person you played said, “I hope, tonight, while you’re sleeping, you get hit by a car.”

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Saved by children.

This is why you have people.

Colin:

Hooray! The human shields have arrived!

Have you guys seen Milk?

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“Next time, Indiana Jones, it’ll take more than children to save you.”

Colin:

There’s a line. Really? More than children? So like, anything?

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Why is the monkey still going with him?

I’m really unclear about the monkey’s motivations.

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There’s something about the cinematography in these movies that makes these shots of people have that iconic movie look.

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Nice suit, Sallah.

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And they’re just dispersing? Ready to shoot him a minute ago and now just calmly walking past him?

Colin:

That’s a lot of Arabs. And yet, surprisingly unthreatening.

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This is like the end of one of those union strike movies.

Or right after graduation, when your main characters are all walking like, “So what are we gonna do now?”

Can we make a musical about ISIS?

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“Marion’s dead.”

“Yes, I know.”

Oh, well okay.

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Nah, nah, monkey. Hang back. Ain’t quite time yet.

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“Shit… hate these fucking people.”

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That’s how you console a buddy when his girl blew up.

Colin:

John Rhys-Davies speaks wisdom. Females die. Life goes on.

The job’s done. The bitch is dead.

Also, where’d that fucking kid get a recorder from?

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Does no one notice the shifty bastard with the eyepatch clearly tailing you?

AND WHY ARE THESE FUCKING PEOPLE JUST STANDING AROUND WATCHING THEM?

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Meanwhile, this.

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Colin:

First we will go home, where Sallah has prepared roaring fires, malt beer and red meat off the bone.

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Great shot. Why don’t people do this anymore?

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Seriously, how great is this? Put the camera in an interesting place, like behind a door, let the action play out, linger, and then have the door open and completely shift expectations for the scene. This man is taking what is actually a pretty predictable and just okay script and making it sing.

Colin:

This is an Arab with an eyepatch and a turban. I know we often mention shifty-ass Arabs, but this guy — this is THE shifty-ass Arab.

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This is a house with nine children. Not a fucking chance in hell no one notices this.

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Well I guess someone’s about to have a… bad date.

Colin:

Who uses poison anymore? This assassination attempt feels dated.

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“The fuck was that shit?”

Where was this kid while that happened? Shaving?

Colin:

Oh, brown child. You’ve really done it this time.

Sounds like the opening line to a song.

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“Oh, well, guess it was nothing. I’ll just go serve these dates now, with this mysterious liquid all over them.”

Fun fact — poison immediately sinks into things, is completely colorless and odorless, and leaves no trace whatsoever after a few milliseconds.

It’s science.

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“I can’t figure out how Belloq did it. Where’d he get a copy of the headpiece? There are no pictures, no duplicates of it anywhere.”

I have no idea what this headpiece is or what’s going on, only that Belloq needs it and poison dates.

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Sallah goes on about what it looked like, but we’re really only concentrated on one thing.

Or two, if you’re me.

I’m wondering what time it is.

Presuming it’s after dinner and the dates are being served as a dessert. Though might not be. Dates and wine seem to be the round the clock snack at this house.

Also weird how the Nazis know where Sallah lives and never once is his family in danger or is he put in danger after this.

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“Oh, no, Dr. Jones.”

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Classic suspense builder.

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Why is there a random old guy in the back?

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See, and we already know the monkey likes dates.

THE MONKEY HAS BETTER CHARACTERIZATION THAN HALF THE AVENGERS.

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There you go, just stare us down. Cue the Sarah McLachlan.

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It’s amazing how little I give a shit about what‘s being said in this scene.

Colin:

This is all the random exposition that carries us to the epiphany made by this ridiculous guru figure who is clearly not Egyptian.

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This guy is pretty great though. Just like, “Hey, check this shit out, come here. Look, look.” In his high-pitched voice.

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His window looks like a bombed out hole in the wall that’s also doubling as the set from A Trip to the Moon.

He says it’s a warning not to disturb the Ark of the Covenant.

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And it says the height of the staff is about 72 inches.

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“Hold on, girl. There’s more.”

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And apparently you take one back to honor God.

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“What the fuck? Wind?”

Colin:

Of course there’s a random wind as they hear about the “Hebrew god” on the other side of the headpiece. Cause this movie is over the top. And I don’t care.

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Apparently Belloq’s “staff is too long.”

Man, I wish I had that problem.

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“They’re digging in the wrong place!”

Colin:

This is the only exposition we need. They only have markings on one side. They’re digging in the wrong place.

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Man, he sure is happy about that. Look at you, Sallah, you happy fuck.

Colin:

That laugh. That laugh. I need that as my text tone.

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“I am the monarch of the sea…”

Man, he’s so happy he’s singing H.M.S Pinafore.

I only sing that when I ejaculate.

Colin:

I also sing this song whenever I see titties.

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Of course that’s how you celebrate.

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Colin:

Update.

Maybe the fact that it’s going in slow motion is a warning that something’s wrong.

I never eat any food that goes in slow motion.

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Colin:

Downdate.

SALLAH WITH THE INTERCEPTION!

(Great shot, by the way.)

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Faces.

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If all dogs go to heaven… where do all monkeys go?

(Even the Nazi ones.)

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Must be that special kind of poison that only kills when ingested, and not when you touch it.

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“Bad dates.”

Colin:

What is it about a slow-moving ceiling fan that makes you think of death? I always associate them with something sinister.

I always associate them with old time-y courtrooms in the South.

Colin:

I’ve had plenty of bad dates. Only one of them nearly killed me. She was into tentacle stuff.

I remember digging that hole.

But anyway, dead monkey.

You know what they say… a fool and his monkey are soon parted.

Colin:

Well, at least the shifty-ass Arab was able to intimi-date them. Maybe he was only trying to se-date them. Either way, I’m not sure he’ll be able to accommo-date his clients’ requests now.

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I think all construction sites should just have men with guns standing around. Even if they’re not real guns. I think it would be fun if people drove past and saw them and had to wonder what was going on.

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“I told you not to be premature in your communiqué to Berlin. Archaeology is not an exact science.”

More uses of the word communiqué.

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Belloq says he didn’t promise anything. He just said things looked good. He says his calculations were correct.

Colin:

I love it when people say the word schedule like “shed-yule.” It always reminds me of when Chris Walken mows down like 100 of his own henchmen in A View to A Kill. “Right on schedule!”

I thought back to the moment in that movie where they shoehorn the title in horribly, but also wonderfully. Where May Day is like, “Wow, what a view,” and Walken just goes, “To a kill,” and then laughs like a crazy person. And I thought about how they could possibly work this title into the dialogue here.

Which lead me to think… the title doesn’t really apply to our hero. I mean, I guess it does, kind of, but mostly it’s talking about the Nazis. They’re raiding the lost ark. Which is fine, that’s not really the point. Mostly it lead me to think that the title is basically just a way of saying, “People Plundering Priceless Artifacts.” It’s not necessarily a positive thing. We associate it with positive things, because it’s Indy and all that, but this would be like naming a film, “Poachers of the Golden Elephant Tusk.”

Christopher Walken brought us here, by the way.

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And naturally they’re there. Which is cool, since it’s real easy for them to slip in at a place like this. Logic holds up. Big fan of logic.

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Hose!

This shot is basically exposition. They need to get to the map room soon.

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You can tell they didn’t do many takes while filming this. There are a lot of shots of Harrison Ford tripping or awkwardly looking around at stuff. It’s nice. Shows me they just let shit play out.

This is the kind of stuff that separates this movie from Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

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Also weird how no one looks around like

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Is that a door or a shitting hole?

Only in this place do you actually have to make sure which it is.

Colin:

What is it with George Lucas and desert glory holes?

I know, right? American Graffiti…

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FOOL OF A TOOK!

Colin:

He dropped that in there like a true shifty-ass Arab.

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And no one notices this.

Colin:

Wouldn’t they be guarding this or something?

Maybe they figure it’s useless without the right staff piece. But I guess if something happens to it, they’re fucked. So yeah, where the guards at?

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I love how simple this is.

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This would never exist, but this set is awesome.

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I like how nicely the sand is laid out. I’m sure that’s natural.

Colin:

Why is THIS room not full of snakes or scarabs or something gross? I guess we’re not far enough into the movie for there to be something that trying. Crystal Skull era Spielberg and Lucas would have probably put a treacherous waterfall going through this set.

Isn’t it great how few action sequences we’ve had thus far? They just walked onto this place. Somehow Indy got more adventurous as he got older.

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I do love models like this. I always thought it would be cool to just have one of these laying around for like, no reason.

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HA HA. They’re on the other side of the barbed wire.

It’s great how they’re just yelling at him.

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And now he’s arrested. That’s it?

Colin:

I always watched this with a bit of confusion. Once someone’s there, don’t you check to see if they belong there? And if someone’s there with a rope, don’t you first take a look to see whose rope he’s holding? And why does John Rhys-Davies fuck up this hill so bad? Was that scripted?

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Is no one checking down the hole?

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So this entire model, and plug board, and all of this — always just there? Why would you develop such an elaborate system?

I think the key is to operate under the assumption that people, thousands of years from now, will find your shit. This is God’s iPhone passcode.

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I hate sand. It’s coarse and oh I’m sorry that’s just a reflex what’s going on

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Somehow a light layer of sand over this thing. And somehow he knew the exact line to read.

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Yes… aha … that random symbol means something.

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Don’t we all just keep a hieroglyph-tionary handy?

Colin:

This is one of those moments where you’re like, “Man, am I glad I spent all those years learning the language of a civilization that ceased to exist over 2500 years ago.”

That’s how I feel about all the Oscar shit I randomly know.

Some day I’m gonna need to be able to recite the 1955 Best Supporting Actress category from memory.

Don’t look it up. It’s Natalie Wood for Rebel Without a Cause, Jo Van Fleet for East of Eden, Betsy Blair for Marty, Marisa Pavan for The Rose Tattoo and Peggy Lee for Pete Kelly’s Blues. Personally I’m a sucker for Betsy Blair, but Jo Van Fleet was a worthy winner. Natalie Wood of course gave a memorable performance as well, and a lot of people would pick her, understandably. Also cool that Peggy Le was nominated for an Oscar. Especially for a noir about musicians in Technicolor. Interesting movie, that one.

That’s a marketable skill, right?

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No idea what’s going on right now, but strong visuals and music are really all you need.

Colin:

What is it with George Lucas and desert glory holes?

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Look at how good this looks.

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Colin:

What is it with George Lucas and desert glory holes?

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They just let him go? What the fuck is going on?

Colin:

Why are they not waterboarding Sallah at this point? This is why the Nazis lost so quickly. They were inconceivably brutal in some ways and showed restraint in others. They show up in like 2 minutes to pull Jones out, which means they should know that Sallah’s up to no good. Maybe they just underestimate Arabs and think he was just hired to hold the rope. Either way, they lose the war.

I just watched The Train Man. The Japanese would have been waterboarding the shit out of Sallah right now, and he’d be done for the rest of the movie. Jones wouldn’t make it, and the Nazis wouldn’t have won. I’m just glad the Nazis were foolish.

I like this truck/tank thing they have going on over here.

Is that what they use to transport people to the hoosegow?

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Might want to clean that camera a little bit.

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Does no one know he’s down there? I’m so confused as to what’s happening above ground.

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This is like when they put the silencer on their gun.

Or he’s putting together a selfie stick.

That’s the difference between the 70s and now.

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This is an entire room built for a very specific time of day.

WHY?

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I’d love it if he did this and then had to stand there for like, forty minutes while the sun set.

Just waiting. Waiting. Waiting. And then quietly started humming to himself. “I’m the monarch of the sea…”

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Maybe this is just a switchboard.

Crenshaw 4521, please.

Remember those days? When there weren’t even area codes, and the area code was the first three numbers?

And automats. Remember those? Well, Colin probably does.

Why can’t shit exist like it did in 40s and 50s movies?

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Colin:

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What’s up with the little notched end? Did we know that was happening? Does it have to be however long ABOVE the tapered tip? They seem pretty well prepared for this shit.

Why is there a giant bird on that pendant?

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Colin:

The ancient Egyptians were sure into some gaudy shit. But at least all those casinos are authentic.

Caesar has a casino. Why doesn’t Tut?

I’d stay at the Tut Hut.

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I want hieroglyphics on my walls. I’m torn between wanting the real kind, or something dumb, like Egyptians doing keg stands.

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Man, the sun sure does move fast.

Colin:

C’mon, sun. Move.

The sun, by the way, does NOT move this fast.

The sun moves faster than that trap door in South America.

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Is this not reflecting outside at all?

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Jones of Arabia.

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Ah, the shitting Egyptians. My favorite band.

What if the Ark was in their toilet?

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If he’s in the wrong spot, he has to come back at this same time tomorrow and do it all over again.

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Still weird how no one’s looked into this hole after finding a dude putting a rope down it.

And how they vandalized the model, as if they weren’t gonna be able to remember, “It’s this fucking place where we dig.”

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The camera cut in close. Must be this place.

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Well that’s probably going to set something on fire.

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Not subtle with the fucking cross at all.

Colin:

That’s the spot? The place that’s like, obviously the right place to dig in the middle of a huge courtyard at the head of a palatial building? Dumbledore’s probably buried there, too.

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And yet no one can see this from outside…

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Wait, he’s running away? What kind of operation are you assholes running here?

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Colin:

That’s the salute I give strangers when I’m on the way to the bathroom.

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You’re a wonderful asset to your country, soldier.

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Colin:

You know tape measures don’t work when they’re draped over shit, right?

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Colin:

You also know that breaking a stick in two doesn’t disguise its actual length, right? Nazis were good at addition.

I stayed quiet during all of this because… you know he’s taking all these measurements and then is just gonna guesstimate and do whatever the fuck he wants, right?

Measure twice, forget the measurements, cut once, and then just sort of figure shit out from there. You can cut once and still bore the shit out of the hole for six hours.

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He just wiped his face and looked at the sweat. Like, “Goddamn, I’m sweating.”

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Aww… now you can’t get out.

Also, remember how this place was standing for like, a  thousand years, and how no weather or time, or pressure, or anything like that disturbed it? Yeah.

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Damn, you tie bedsheets fast.

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Wait, so I’m completely confused. You yelled at the guy, pulled him away from the hole and brought him over to the trucks. Then you just let him walk away without wondering what he was doing there or checking it out. He then goes into a tent, manages to steal a shitload of bed sheets and tie them together. And then he drags the bed sheets back over to the hole, having to walk past at least two or three guards in the process, who do not do or say anything to him. Not to mention… he TIED A NAZI FLAG ON THERE AS WELL AND WAS DRAGGING IT ACROSS THE SAND.

Seriously, what the fuck are you people doing? How are there no people guarding this place now, after you already found someone hanging around it?

Colin:

Pretty sure that once you touch the Nazi flag you have some kind of Nazi cooties.

I remember assuming it would be the Nazis pulling him out here. Like, the flag was so sinister. It’s the fabric version of, “Surprise, motherfucker!”

I use fabric in all my sinister moments.

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Why wouldn’t you go away from where they are?

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1030

And that’s what you do? See an Arab and just make him get you shit?

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1031

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Now that’s a real friend. Takes the hit and talks to them so Indy can get out of there.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1033

That’s true cover. Sallah’s the best.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1034

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Sure, just go inside a random tent. No way that could turn out badly.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1036

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Boy, that was sure convenient.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1038

Don’t just stand there like an idiot, come up with an excuse why you can never call her again.

You’re in the middle of Nazis. It’s not that hard.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1039

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Sure, no reason that wouldn’t look like rape to her at all.

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I hope you at least wiped your face first.

Colin:

Aw, that’s a heartfelt reunion. You know, if you untie a woman in the Holy Land, she’ll be all over you. Her bush must be burning.

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“You have to get me out of here, quick.”

Why? She’s been here this long. Oh, I see. Because they’re gonna be back soon. Still, though. How do you know when they’re gonna be back?

“They keep asking about you.”

Why? Do they want his number or something?

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1047

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“What’s wrong?”

Yeah, what is wrong? That’s an abrupt place to stop.

Colin:

But…then again…

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“I know where the Ark is, Marion.”

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“The Ark’s here?”

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“Well I’m coming with you, Jones, get me out of here!”

Sure, just yell. That’s smart.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1052

“If I take you out of here now, they’ll start combing the place for us.”

A HA HA. So he’s gonna leave her! That’s great.

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Colin:

Yeah, this is easier.

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Colin:

Oh, that isn’t rape-y at all.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1055

“I hate to do this, but if you don’t sit still, and be quiet, this whole thing’s gonna be shot.”

This is so fucked up.

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“I’ll be back to get you.”

Ha ha, this is great. “Hey, baby, I’m here. Oh, but wait, I can’t save you now. I didn’t even think I’d find you. This was just an accident. So just wait here and stay kidnapped, and I’ll come back later. Try not to get raped!”

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Love these makeshift walkways.

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This is both a nice shot and a nice frame of reference as to where the place he’s going is.

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This is partially what a DP does.

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Also, no big deal, on the set of this film while on break from shooting, Spielberg and Ford’s wife at the time came up with and wrote the script that would become E.T. You know, as you do.

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Colin:

I want one of these surveying telescope thingies. It’s like a land sextant. Heh. Sextant.

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It’s refreshing, seeing an action hero who doesn’t manage to shave on his adventures.

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“That’s it.”

That’s it?

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Nice moment. Sallah just passes right between them, and you really only notice if you’re paying attention.

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Belloq says maybe something is eluding them. The soldier says maybe “the girl can help us.”

So, naturally, torture her.

Colin:

This is the other Nazi thing. “Let’s have all these Arabs dig until the job is done!” “No. We have a defenseless woman tied up in a tent. Let’s torture her until something happens.” “NOW we’re talking!” That’s literally what this scene was.

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Belloq says she doesn’t know anything. The German soldier wants to torture her anyway. Because that’s what he does. He’s a Nazi. He has “the perfect man” for this kind of work.

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German Charles Martin Smith.

Colin:

It’s the creepiest guy ever! Who dresses like that HERE? You’re wearing a black trenchcoat in EGYPT. This is one of those characters who creeped me out so much that I actually want the actor to be dead.

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Heil, baby.

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They’re just bringing guys all over this place. Where’d they hire these guys? Is there an Egyptian Home Depot they were standing outside of?

Colin:

You can always tell the quality of a man by how fast he can raise a posse of Arabs. Did you guys ever see Milk?

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I wonder if he got this right on one take.

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Favorite part about this? They actually built all that.

I always love when movies are shot on partially built sets.

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Colin:

Great security you’ve got in this Nazi dig site. Like ten dudes walk up to the most visible spot in the whole site and start digging without orders. You deserve everything you get.

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Did he really just whistle to get the guys up there? That’s demeaning.

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He’s got a shovel, but is doing no digging.

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I mean… clearly.

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That’s the magic hour, baby.

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This shot exists for no reason other than to look beautiful.

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Colin:

Get it? They’re like a chain gang and he’s Strother Martin.

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Oh shit, I may love this shot even more. This looks exactly like all those biblical epics of the 50s and 60s. You know what I’m talking about. Those night scenes in stuff like The Robe and The Greatest Story Ever Told. The cool, artificial night sky blues clearly made through matte paintings and soundstage lighting, and the harsh yellows and oranges of actual soundstage lighting, that looks completely manufactured, yet makes movie buffs feel all warm and fuzzy and at home.

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And the lightning is just a plus.

Colin:

God doesn’t like you. It’d be funny if he just zapped all of them.

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REAR PROJECTION!

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They got something.

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I like how he just makes them do all the work.

Colin:

Whatever you say, boss man.

And how so much stuff is going on, no one even notices this is happening.

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If only archaeology was this exciting all the time.

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Whoa… special effects just went through his head.

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Yes, that’s right… take a crowbar to history.

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Facial expressions.

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Indy really isn’t doing anything except telling them what to do.

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Facial expressions.

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Ground queef.

Colin:

“That’ll scare ‘em off,” said the retard ancient Egyptian architect.

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Holy shit, look at these cut aways.

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There is no Ark. There is only Zuul.

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Oh, third world people. So easily frightened.

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“Sorry, Indy.”

I like that. “I’m sorry. I was being a bitch.”

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I like any shot of people looking down into the roof of a place. Because you know they’re most likely trying to get inside.

“Indy… why does the floor move?”

Oh, you know why.

Colin:

Love that line. “Why does the floor…move?” Could be conveyor belts, like in the factory levels from Donkey Kong Country, but snakes are more likely.

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“Give me your torch.”

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Why do you need a torch if there’s lightning?

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Good thing there isn’t any gunpowder down there, huh?

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If you’re paying close attention, they just set a snake (real or rubber) on fire.

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Can snakes survive that long?

What are they eating? Each other?

Colin:

What are that many snakes doing there? What do they eat?

The plot.

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The little ones are so adorable.

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“Snakes. Why’d it have to be snakes?”

Colin:

This is a useful inflection. Like, “Gin. Why did it have to be gin?” or, “Child support. Why did it have to be child support?”

It’s actually really useful when you watch Lucas movies.

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“Asps. Very dangerous.”

Thank you, Sallah.

Colin:

We’ve heard John Rhys-Davies say the line “very dangerous” before in these articles. I like that franchises share people and stuff. Christopher Lee, AIDS, Hugo Weaving…

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1132

“Don’t worry, bro, you got this.”

Actually, what he says is way better. Which is, “You go first.”

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1133

Might as well. They did all the fucking work this far.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1134

Why aren’t there any scorpions or anything in the sand?

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1135

Ah, I know this game. Good Nazi, bad Nazi.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1136

That’s balls over brains. Trying to run as soon as you’re untied in the middle of a Nazi camp in the middle of the desert.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1137

Goddamn, he showed up fast.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1138

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“If you’re trying to escape on foot, the desert is three weeks in every direction.”

All right, are you gonna let her try? Because if not, that’s a useless piece of information.

Colin:

THREE WEEKS in every direction? You made that up. You can walk a long way in three weeks. How did they all get here?

The plot?

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1140

That’s awesome. She crawls over on her knees.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1141

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1152

Colin:

Franchises also share women held hostage who then grudgingly tear into some food while the captor monologues, looking for information. Oh, and a new dress that she ends up wearing for dinner.

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Gotta love a chick who talks with her mouth full.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1154

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1155

Yup. Pocket that shit. No matter if the guard is watching you.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1156

Ah, a dress. Just in case you thought that scene in Curse of the Black Pearl was original.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1157

“Hmm… beautiful.”

That’s it. That’s all she says.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1158

“I would very much like to see you in it.”

I would very much like to see her not in it.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1159

Nice laugh.

Too bad this movie doesn’t include the line, “Dig me out like one of your French girls.’

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1160

Nice use of silhouettes.

“I bet you would.”

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What’s with that face?

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1162

Oh, I see, she formulated a plan. Put on the dress, get a moment alone to put it on, and then amscray.

Or maybe she realizes she doesn’t have a choice in the matter. Because if she doesn’t, she’ll be dining with the crew, and she’ll be naked.

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Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1164

Why does he have that with him?

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1165

“What have you got to drink around here?”

I mean… it’s right there, on the table. See for yourself.

Colin:

“What do you have to drink around here?” asked Colin, barging into the Planned Parenthood.

Those were Socrates’ second to last words.

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Yeah, boy!

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1167

Man, imagine being a kid in 1981. And only having this frame to jerk off to.

How many VHS tapes were ruined because of this movie?

It’s things like this that make me glad I grew up in an era with both DVDs and internet. So at least it was easy when I wanted to see that Halle Berry topless scene in Swordfish.

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She says she told him everything she knows. “I have no loyalty to Jones. He’s brought me nothing but trouble.”

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1169

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What’s with the twirl?

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1171

Colin:

What guy falls for this? Do you really think women go from zero to pussy that fast at a business dinner?

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1172

She’s got a flower on her ass.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1173

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1174

She’s got that real world attractiveness. I like it.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1175

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1176

Yoink!

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1177

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1178

“I don’t think we need a chaperone.”

Uhh… either way, you’re in a tent. Everyone in this camp is gonna hear you fucking.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1179

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So the snakes haven’t just gone around the fire?

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Colin:

Do they not have like…incendiary grenades, or something? I can’t understand them going down here with that many snakes. Dump some gasoline down like you do later.

Get some fucking boards. Put those down.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1182

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1183

This is what’s known as good storytelling. Have your protagonist overcome something we know to be an obstacle for them.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1184

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1185

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1186

Do the snakes know he’s coming down?

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1187

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1188

Aww… that snake wants to be friends!

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1189

HOLY SHIT!

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1190

How many snakes you think killed other snakes during this shoot?

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I actually read a great piece of trivia that the first AD on the movie got bit by one of these, and it wouldn’t let go, so he calmly told a crew member to grab the snake by the tail and then whip it, so the shock wave it sent would force the snake to let go. And they did and it let go. But the motherfucker just calmly was like, “Oh, man, I got bit. Please whip this thing so it will let go,” instead of going, “HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT BIT BY A SNAKE!!”

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1192

Naturally they drop him. You get what you pay for.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1193

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1194

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1195

Facing your fears. Literally.

We know what his boggart would turn into.

Colin:

This was one of the shots they used to put at the beginning of every Paramount Home Video VHS. I’d watch something and if I didn’t fast forward, I’d see this shit all the time. And you used to be able to see the glass between them. Still, iconic.

That reminds me of all those MGM DVDs, with that same intro. Pierce Brosnan as Bond, Thelma and Louise, Great Escape… you’ve seen it a hundred times if you’ve watched any MGM DVD.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1196

Go home, snake, you are drunk.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1197

“I told you it would be all right!”

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1198

You laughing fuck.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1199

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1200

Yeah, but shouldn’t you also be paying attention to the rest of them as well? It’s not like this is the only one that’s going to bite you.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1201

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1202

Also, why are the snakes cool with the other ones? Is it just an unwritten law that snakes are cool with other types of snakes? Because you put different types of fish in the same tank, one of those fish is going to fuck the other ones up.

I remember I had this one fish in the tank in my room for the longest time growing up. It felt like five, six years. It was the only thing in a ten gallon tank. And then it died. So, as you do, the natural thing to do is to be like, “Well, fuck, let’s just get another.” Only we got several. We tried different variations of things. I bought a bunch of stuff and put them in the tank. And most of them died really quickly. That first fish lived forever, but the rest were dead within like, two weeks. And then, I remember one of the times, I bought, in the same trip, a baby shark and a little catfish. And I was all excited about the baby shark and everything. And I’m guessing the guy told us they’d be fine in the same tank, since the catfish was way bigger than the shark. Anyway, all I know is, the next morning, I wake up, and the fucking catfish has a giant chunk missing from the center of its head. Like, between its eyes. Just a fucking chunk missing. But it was still swimming around, and the shark essentially left it alone. And it hung around for like two more days and then was dead. Probably due to brain damage and loss of fish blood, or whatever it has. And then after that, we never really got any more fish.

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Ford has some really good facial expressions in this movie.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1204

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1205

Was he dropped down with that or did they send it down later?

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1206

Yes, set the place that’s thousands of years old on fire.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1207

“Sallah get down here.”

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1208

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You know that just because the camera panned up, that snake is still coming, right?

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1210

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1211

I bet they love that.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1212

Indiana Jones, 1930s exterminator.

Did they just have this with them?

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1213

Drip drip drip.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1214

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1215

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1216

PETA didn’t exist in the 30s.

Colin:

I want to do this to something. Just gasoline it and torch it. Maybe a group of cultist solicitors.

It would have to be really early.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1217

Meanwhile, she’s pretending to be interested in this French bastard.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1218

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Booze.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1220

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1221

That ain’t a real drink.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1222

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Correct.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1225

Nice. She just called him out and didn’t say a word.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1226

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Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1229

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First mistake. Don’t keep up if she does that. Do your thing. She wants to get drunk quicker, that’s fine.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1231

Does Dozer make that stuff too?

Colin:

Is that not wine? Can he really not drink? Unless that’s the classiest grain alcohol I’ve ever seen, he should be able to throw one of those back. It’s the 30s. People drank.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1232

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What I’m curious about is what they think they’re gonna get out of her right now. I mean, sure, he just wants to bang her, but the Nazis must think he’s extracting something out of her, otherwise they’d have tortured her already. Do they know what he’s doing? Maybe that’s the pertinent question.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1235

Weird. This place is perfectly lit now.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1236

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1237

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1238

I wonder if anybody fucked on top of the Ark of the Covenant.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1239

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1240

I like how there’s barely been any dialogue the past few minutes.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1241

You guys are gonna do that? Why did you bring all those other guys?

Colin:

That is WAY too much stone to lift.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1242

And there goes his back.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1243

Does that drawing on the wall have a beer belly or one by Cyclops tit?

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1244

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1245

Hey… hey guys…check out that pillar to the left.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1246

How the fuck were you guys planning on getting this out of there, by the way? They couldn’t even lower Indy without dropping him.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1247

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There a lot of lightning around these parts?

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1249

Sure, just destroy that top and those steps. Not like those are historically important or anything.

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This is why I don’t like Belloq. Not because he’s a prick or works with Nazis, but because he can’t tell a chick is obviously pretending she’s more drunk than she is and is being overly friendly just to get what she wants.

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No woman gets that drunk. Not like this.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1258

Seriously, it was only less than half a bottle each. Even if that was moonshine, you’re still not that fucked up that quickly.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1259

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Apparently he grew up with this stuff. His family makes it. Which is a nice bit of characterization.

Though I guess his family was Arab, since that bottle is.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1261

Yes, let us laugh at families. For they are hilarious.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1262

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1263

WHY ARE YOU WASTING ALCOHOL?!!!

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1264

IRREDEMABLE.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1265

Also, so clearly water.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1266

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What’s she gonna do, shank him?

Colin:

Okay, she’s crazy. Anyone who makes that face with a knife is ready to use it.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1270

Are you really worried about that knife? I’d laugh in her face right now.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1271

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1272

Like that.

Colin:

I’ve never been that drunk and not blackout. If someone pulls a knife, I’m immediately sober for that.

If I’m drunk and someone pulls a knife, I’m immediately the person begging to be stabbed. Intentionally or not.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1273

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“Well, I’ll have to get going now, Rene.”

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1277

Nice wave off.

Colin:

Is he cool with that? I thought he was doing this for pussy.

He calls her pussy Montana.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1278

He’s not drunk.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1279

Nazi.

“We meet again, Fraulein. You Americans are all the same. Always overdressing for the wrong occasions.”

Colin:

DO we overdress for the wrong occasions? That’s also grammatically incorrect. To overdress is already to do something wrong – hence the “over.” You can’t overdress for the wrong occasion because if it was correct, you wouldn’t be overdressed. This is like Lucas and his “destroy the Sith and bring balance to the Force” thing. I don’t think you know what “balance” is.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1280

All right. Go back to Belloq. He’s not in on it at all.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1281

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1282

What the fuck are you gonna do with those things?

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1283

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1284

Is he gonna human centipede that thing up her butthole?

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1285

Oh, I see, he has a suit to hang.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1286

Don’t wanna get the jacket dirty while you’re working over a motherfucker.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1287

Colin:

They wasted this moment. They should have done the creepy coat hanger thing, shown her relief and then cut back to him whipping out a huge fucking machete.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1288

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1289

“Now… what shall we talk about?”

Colin:

This line will haunt me for my entire life.

What if she actually wanted to start talking?

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1290

What is that hook attached to? No way that carries it up safely.

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Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1294

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1295

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This is why I call bullshit on this religious artifact nonsense. If it’s not of this earth, why was it made by gold?

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1297

What if they dropped it right now?

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1298

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1299

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1300

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1301

I like how Spielberg picks his visual tricks and just gets as much out of them as he can. Two franchises in a row for that.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1302

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1303

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1304

Colin:

I like how much time they spend doing all the Ark shit. How they kept cutting between this and the drinking and all that. Adds a little drama.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1305

They’re just stealing this thing in front of a shitload of Nazis. And nobody notices.

Also, what happened to all the snakes he set on fire?

We’re gonna ponder that question, since this is the END OF PART III.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow is Part IV, and a completely unnecessary, but great, action sequence.

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

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