Fun with Franchises: Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981), Part IV — “I Know When to Kill My Problems”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.

We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.

We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.

Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.

Right now, we’re doing the Indiana Jones franchise, and today is the fourth part of Raiders of the Lost Ark.

We begin Part IV as someone FINALLY figures some shit out.

They say Belloq likes the girl too much. Belloq says their methods are too primitive. They’d use a bulldozer to find a china cup.

Finally, fucking SOMEBODY notices.

Colin:

And now they’re just pulling an enormous thing out of the ground as the sun comes up. Idiots.

Everybody here is dumb.

The whole thing is saved by iconic music and images. I’m telling you. If this isn’t directed by Spielberg, this movie is pretty forgettable.

This is what’s so cool about Belloq. He’s not really a villain. He’s just an adversary. Sure, he pulls a dick move on Indy at the beginning, making Indy go through all the shit and then taking it from him, but otherwise, he’s a smart dude, and really just seems to give a shit about the archaeology and not anything else. (Well… the pussy…)

He looks like he’s grabbing his dick.

Also, those guys are just sleeping outside.

Colin:

He does look like he’s gonna piss on those guys at sunrise. Which is a good time for pissing if ever there was one.

Nice shot.

Or as I like to call it, Douchebags Taking Off at Sunset.

If you’re that afraid of snakes, wouldn’t you go up first?

Wow, this almost doesn’t look choreographed.

Colin:

I’m inclined to give it to them. Based on all I know about Nazis (from watching The Producers), they were a well-choreographed bunch and most of the women had beer and pretzel titties.

Beer and Pretzel Titties.

And not a single “schnell” was said.

Colin:

“I’m gonna eat you!”

Colin:

“Ah, motherfucker. 2000 years without a single meal and I blow it.”

Colin:

“Maybe I can catch the rope in my mouth and eat that.”

Ahoy down there.

Colin:

There’s really no need to wave. You’re the only item in the line of sight. Don’t wave unless you’re in a crowd.

Of course.

Oh, well damn.

Do you think they killed his guys, or…

Colin:

I like how all the Arabs get the cheap seats in the background. The way it’s been since Oliver Reed opened for business like 1700 years ago.

“Why, Dr. Jones, what ever are you doing in such a nasty place?”

“Why don’t you come on down here, I’ll show you.”

Colin:

Remember that line in Christmas Vacation? “Hey Griswald! Where you gonna put a tree that big?” “Bend over, and I’ll show you!” I would like to see Chevy Chase play a Nazi.

“So once again, Jones, what was briefly yours is now mine. What a fitting end to your life’s pursuits. You’re about to become a permanent addition to this archaeological find.”

Well that’s cold-blooded. You’re gonna leave him to die?

Colin:

Can you imagine what that would do to the historical record? You’re messing it up for whoever finds it in the future. Like how some diggers found a chamber in an ancient building where the artifacts didn’t match anything at all and they were all confused and thinking about rewriting some of history based on it until they found out that it was actually a museum and that there were cuneiform tablets explaining all the old shit in the room. But doesn’t that make you want to find amazing archaeological treasures and prank the world by altering something and then leaving it “unfound” for someone else to discover much later?

Like, put a “Made in China” sticker on a sarcophagus or something and then seal the place up again and never tell anyone you’d found it. And then when they discover it hundreds of years later, everyone will be confused. I basically just want to troll future people. That’s what my whole life is.

“Who knows? In a thousand years, even you may be worth something.”

Yes, let us laugh at my imminent demise.

Convenient how the snakes don’t attack during the important scene.

“Son of a bitch.” Nice mumble under the breath.

Colin:

“Ha ha ha ha HAH sonofabitch.”

Also nice that he remembered he should probably keep doing that if he doesn’t want to die.

They gotta go. They gotta get to Berlin.

(P.S. Nice framing of the dude in the back between the other dude’s legs.)

Colin:

I mostly appreciate the framing at the top of the shot. You all know by now that I’m a sucker for overhead framing. The Millennium Falcon in Mos Eisley as the stormtroopers arrive, the Nazgul wing as Miranda Otto’s about to get pimp smacked with a mace.

Love me some overhead framing. Almost gives it a sand-rock vagina feel to it.

Anyway, they don’t want to leave him down there all alone.

So they’re gonna throw her in there as well.

Damn shame to be losing such a fine thing, huh?

So I’ll be having that dress back.

Colin:

Franchises rhyme. People getting stabbed and stuff like that.

What, you have no problem killing Jones, but killing her is unacceptable?

Colin:

I never noticed that all his diggers are being held hostage here. None of them rat on Sallah, which is nice.

“Bye, bitch.”

Colin:

That’s one of the harshest things we’ve seen so far. Dude just pushes her in REAL FAST.

Wow. You just hit a snake with a shoe. I’m sure its not mad at all about that.

I can see up yo dress.

Colin:

“I got one! Now if I can just bite down!”

Oh, but you’re wearing shorts. That’s a shame.

This shot is one of those shots that epitomizes the action-adventure movie.

Colin:

Sand?

And then there’s this.

Colin:

Some women need to not wear open-toed shoes. All the meat pouring out.

The dinosaur should have brushed better.

Colin:

“GOD DAMN IT! I’m so fucking hungry.”

Nice… not really a catch. More, you blocked her fall with your body.

“Traitor! You get your hands off of me!”

How nice. “Catch me, catch me, oh, I’m safe. Fuck you, get your hands off me.”

Did you not no… actually, fair enough. That motherfucker just threw her right down there and she somehow had the wherewithal to hold onto the dinosaur tooth. I’ll accept that she didn’t notice the snakes. Somehow.

Colin:

We’ve all seen this face before. You know, when you show her the D. And she’s like, “This is a preschool parking lot!” And you’re like, “I know you do, baby.”

Also funny, “Get away from me! Oh shit, snakes, help me!”

The Nazis must be loving this.

This shot.

This must have been hilarious for them to shoot.

Colin:

Benny Hill theme?

“The girl was mine!”

Colin:

That’s the difference between IS and WAS. Little-known fact: this is where Michael Jackson got the idea for The Girl Is Mine. Before McCartney got him to make it appeal to a wider audience, the original first verse was about this.

“Every night she walks right in my dreams / Since you pushed her in that crypt / I had tried to fuck her in my tent / Where she drank some booze and stripped / The girl was mine! / The doggone girl was mine!”

Man, remember how easy things were back then? You could just make deals for women, and assume they’d just be with you even though you owned them?

Oh, but yeah, MJ. He was actually originally cast as Satipo, but scheduling conflicts caused him to bow out. So instead he made that E.T. song.

Why can’t we hear her screaming down there?

“It was not to be, cheri.”

“You bastard! I’ll get you for this!”

“Indiana Jones, adieu.”

Wow, not even addressing her.

Colin:

I like that there’s SOME French, anyway.

Nazi Toby Jones enjoys this.

Colin:

That’s a great character moment. Creepy bastard walking away laughing because they’re about to be sealed in a tomb to be killed eaten by snakes.

So are they just gonna kill the Arabs who helped dig, or…

OPTIMUS!

GREAT use of sound design, though. Have her scream “NO!” and then have it get cut off once the Well is covered up. That shit just drops out. Because a fucking 500 pound piece of stone just got put on top of the hole, that’s why. You can’t hear shit no more.

I’d say they’re probably going to suffocate now, but those snakes survived a long ass time, so they’ll be fine. Plus, you know they’re okay, beacuse the snakes got there somehow, so you know there’s an alternate route.

What do they do with him now?

Colin:

Oh, right, they DID get Sallah. I thought his partners in shiftiness had kept the secrets, but Sallah was there the whole time anyway.

I guess they aren’t taking these people seriously. They just figure they’re dumb, so they won’t give them any trouble.

Oh, shit, they all alone now. This is revenge time. You burnt up six of his friends.

“Take this. Wave it at anything that slithers.”

What if it’s his dick?

“What the hell, man?!”

I like that real animals are being harmed here.

“Where’d you get this, from him?”

“I was trying to escape. No thanks to you.”

“How hard were you trying?”

Colin:

Now they’ll bicker while trying to survive for another two minutes.

Why not climb into the statue’s undercarriage?

Tear off that motherfucker.

Colin:

He’s too busy trying to climb into her undercarriage.

“How are we gonna get out of here?”

“I’m working on it.”

Colin:

She has a really annoying voice.

Well, there’s your answer.

Colin:

Leitmotif to the rescue!

Although considering two snakes just came out of there, one right after the other, either they just fucked or there are a lot of them behind there.

Colin:

Where did the snake noises go?

Cleveland.

“Where you going?”

“Through that wall.”

Selective archaeology.

This wall isn’t important.

Always bring panties to a snake fight.

Wait, isn’t that bucket full of gasoline?

“Cheerio, good sir. I was wondering if you might have any spare bob on you?”

Her tit got burned.

Colin:

That’s a delicacy in Japan. You only just tinge it.

Doesn’t even care that he just dropped a snake on her.

Or that.

Nice catch.

He’s gonna ride that dinosaur through the wall.

Something I wish I said way more than I do.

“I’m Indiana Jones, and welcome to Jackass!”

Colin:

My favorite imagined Jackass movie character intro was Bonnie Blue Butler.

Yeah, you’ve been bitten like twice by now.

I prefer my dinosaurs posing.

Colin:

That looks like one of the Kritters from Donkey Kong Country. Which, what a great fucking game that was. Up there with the Mario games for SNES.

Man, it would suck if that thing fell completely short of the wall.

Or if the wall didn’t break.

Not like that wall was important or anything. Probably had the cure for AIDS on it.

Ah… a room full of dead guys.

Of course. Leave the torch. Take the stilettos.

And not a single snake bite. Sure.

You gotta feel for her. She has to run through an Egyptian tomb barefoot.

GPOY

Colin:

This just got WAY more ridiculous. She just somehow got doused in corpses.

That looks like Phantom of the Opera Lon Chaney. Even down to the hair.

Well this is just your fault now. This is like Sideshow Bob and rakes.

They’re here for the gangbang.

Fun fact. I typed out gangbang as two words, and spell check corrected me. “No… gangbang is one word.” So glad my computer knows how to spell the word gangbang better than I do.

Fucking seriously. THEY DON’T MOVE. YOU ARE MOVING THEM. JUST STAND STILL AND THEY WILL GO AWAY.

It actually does look like she’s being raped by skeletons, though.

I love how Indy is nowhere to be found during all of this.

Of course, he has to come to save her.

He just had to save her from dead people. That just happened.

Colin:

A strange moment, for sure. Not positive why it was included. But you know, meh.

Look, an exit. Why am I hoping this turns into one of those Suspiria exits?

(If you haven’t seen Suspiria, don’t worry about it. Just keep missing out.)

Colin:

Ooooooooh noooooooooo. I’m due to watch that movie again in 2038. Maybe. But if and when you guys do decide to watch Suspiria, I recommend you do it the way I did: in the dark, with earbuds or headphones instead of speakers, and on a screen that you’re close to. I’m advocate for small screens for horror movies, cause you’re more likely to be close to them and your periphery just disappears. Noise-cancelling earbuds, my laptop screen close-up, total darkness and a window open to let in some cold, damp air on a rainy October night…I was scared shitless by that movie.

He’s kidding. It’s a comedy. You’re good.

Do the at night thing with headphones, though.

Wow, the one crouton shaped rock in that entire tomb. Weird how no one noticed how haphazardly that was put in. What, were they drinking, like, “Hey Joey, that one rock fell out? Ah, fuck it, just throw something in there. No one’ll even see that side.”

Colin:

Kinda like in the old cartoons, especially the Hanna-Barberas, where there would always be that one thing that was off-color and you knew in advance that it was going to move.

And not a single Nazi heard that.

Colin:

How did they not see this wall right next to the airfield? You mean to tell me they were digging around in random sand and didn’t try to see what was on the other side of this wall that’s exposed to their fucking airstrip?

Also pretty crazy that the Ark was hiding in plain fucking sight. Why not just check all of the buildings?

She still isn’t wearing any shoes, by the way. In case you thought these damsels had it easy.

Colin:

These damsels ain’t loyal.

Is that guy just sleeping through all of this? Or did he die, and they just left him there?

Also, look how fucking far that block fell. And no one turned around? Not even the fucking camel?

That is an awesome plane. The design on that is incredible.

Colin:

This plane isn’t right. Flying wings were happening way after this. Even if you make the case that the earliest flying wing glider concepts were around at this time – no. I know what I’m talking about and this shit is DECADES early.

I also love those kinds of cars. I’d totally want to drive one of those. Fuck the new sports cars. Just give me one of those things.

Colin:

I always thought you’d have a weird car. Strangely, though, I have no idea what it would be.

And yet, whatever it is, it’ll make sense.

Couple of things. First – never hide behind the barrels. You know those things are prime explosion bait. The barrels always get shot first. Second – I love the abundance of barrels in action-adventure movies. Third, why the fuck are the barrels there in the first place? Plane fuel? Or just because that’s what’s there in these kinds of movies? Fourth, I love how they built a hut here for like, no reason. That looks like where Sessue Hayakawa stayed in The Bridge on the River Kwai.

“When that Ark gets loaded, we’re already gonna be on the plane.”

This motherfucker knows how to do it.

Colin:

Nazis were weird about their boots.

I love that they have their own specially painted crates. Amazon should ship in crates like those.

Colin:

When places ship in wooden crates, that’s cool. Got some special Fuchs rims in a wooden crate once. That was about it. But there wasn’t straw. I wanted there to be straw.

I want a car whose spare tire is up by the passenger door like that.

Colin:

They really need to bring back running boards. Only SUVs have them now, and they’re great.

I’m a ghost ghost ghost ghost ghost.

Holy shit, this looks like the desert safehouse/air strip in San Andreas.

Man, did I have so many fun times standing on the roof of those plane hangars, lobbing grenades down at the tanks and FBI vehicles when I had six stars. And shooting down police helicopters one after another.

It’s actually impossible to die that way. The only way you die is if you decide you’re bored and start taking risks, or if a helicopter lands right on top of the bunker with you. You can stay up there for two hours if you want. And we have.

HOW DO YOU NOT NOTICE THAT OTHER GUY?!!!

I love that he’s holding a wrench.

You came to the wrong neighborhood, motherfucker!

Colin:

Nobody has those wrenches anymore. What the hell is wrong with America? We used to be a wrench-carrying nation. Not anymore.

How could you not see that coming?

Oh man, that plane has a gunner box. That’s so awesome. Sit in there and just shoot motherfuckers.

Colin:

This is what it’s like in Mike’s head, ladies and gentlemen. “Fucking gunner box! I’d just sit in there and shoot people! BLAM BLAM BLAM!” I also share that sentiment.

The Arabs just don’t give a fuck, do they?

Oh, I love when people punch like that. The downward punch.

Oh, this motherfucker’s been waiting for this shit all his life.

Colin:

I love a guy who sees shit going down and just takes off his shirt to throw down.

How oblivious is that pilot?

You can only make this situation worse.

I love a guy who doesn’t have to run into the fight, because he knows that when he gets there, he’s gonna fuck people up.

Oh sure, now you turn around.

Oh man, wooden blocks. Love that.

Also, you’re about to do something stupid.

Colin:

This whole sequence makes no sense, but it’s fun.

Sandow wants to fight.

I love that. “Goddamnit…”

“All right, all right, I’m coming.”

Wow, you fell for that? No one’s fallen for that since the Zulu Wars.

No clue why this is happening, but who cares, really.

Where did Marion go?

Well that seems unnecessary. And late.

Gotta do what you gotta do.

That, should have probably hit him.

Wow, you literally walked right into that one.

You should be shot right now.

Wow. The backhanded punch. Nice one.

This is a weirdly choreographed scene.

Ah, the Mr. Fuji.

Why are you not firing?

Too late.

Was that part of the plan? Because I figured you were doing it to fuck with the plane.

Never knock out a pilot.

There have to be more blocks than that.

Wipe yourself off, Jones. You’re bleeding.

So plane windows close just like that, huh?

Aww… and now you’re locked in the cockpit with a concussed German.

And no one has noticed a thing so far.

Oh good. Somebody noticed.

What exactly is happening right now? Everyone else is gone. So what’s this plane doing here, and what are they trying to do? Do we know?

Yup.

YEAH!

So she just killed like six people.

Colin:

She’s shooting all these guys and yet Hans here is still intent on finishing the fist fight.

There’s always a fuel truck.

Fun fact: While shooting this scene, the plane actually ran over Harrison Ford’s knee during a take, and tore up a bunch of his ligaments. Only instead of getting medical attention, he just wrapped his leg in ice and moved one. Just in case you thought Episode VII was a good idea.

I miss the days when people were gung ho about murder.

YES! The old 30s death scene. Stand straight up, then fall over. More of this.

I’m sure that gun still works.

I wanna do this.

SEE?! All barrels explode.

Oh, they’re still here. Good. And no one still knew about this?

Nice way to wake up.

And they’re still just standing there.

I bet Sallah just ran away at this point. Since no one seems to give a shit about him.

Just climb through the gun hole.

It shouldn’t be that hard to run away from the giant lumbering dude.

See? Look at this running fuck.

Shoot the bald guy.

But not that.

This will end well.

Also, sucks to be that guy. He’s not even dead (yet).

“Oh my god.”

I thought you were gonna shoot it. That’s not as fun.

There we go. He’s alive. For now.

WHY ARE YOU FOLLOWING HIM UP THERE? This guy just wants to fight anything.

Wait… how is the guy underneath the plain covered in gasoline if there isn’t a trail leading from that truck to here?

Seriously, you’re cutting to it and then back, but we can clearly see there is no gasoline connecting these two vehicles.

Crawl out through the gun hole. Seriously.

Get your fire away from these barrels, essentially.

This guy just does not care about exploding. He wants to punch people.

I respect that.

Hey, you broke his nose!

Great. Now why are you still fighting?

How’d you get so much water in your mouth?

Kick him in the balls.

See, he does that, and immediately, I drop.

Dumb bastard.

Facial expressions.

Oh, now THAT is a nice shot. That’s some legit amount of blood going on right there.

Colin:

I need a juicer, though.

Goddamn, that’s a lot of blood.

Gasoline moves slow.

Remember when people did these explosions for real?

Look how dangerous this actually looks. We can SEE gasoline and fire spreading, and these actors are on a plane RIGHT in front of it. That’s real tension.

I mean, sure, they lit it so it’d go around the truck, but still.

Sucks to be that pilot.

This is where Bay got it from.

So obviously where Bay got it from.

Black smoke. That’s a real explosion.

Colin:

Let’s all take a moment to appreciate John Williams.

Aww, Uncle Fuck’s Tickle Hut exploded.

Wouldn’t you wait before surveying the scene of a gasoline fire?

“I want plenty of protection.”

There’s a line.

And a punchline.

How did that happen, again?

This is some There Will Be Blood shit.

“Jones.”

You’re wearing a neckerchief.

Also, this is happening because you didn’t just shoot him. That’s the problem with bad guys. They always assume the good guys will die, rather than making sure.

Colin:

I would be such a good bad guy, cause I would know when to kill my problems.

I Know When to Kill My Problems

“Holy smoke, my friends. I’m so pleased you’re not dead!”

This is actually how I greet my friends. That’s not even a joke.

This will be one of my favorite shots of the movie, simply because we go from outside to a darkly lit tent in a single shot. That’s really impressive, to go from such extremes and not lose focus or have lighting difficulties.

I’m noticing that my favorite shots in this movie have less to do with framing or composition as much as they do great directing. There are some really nice complex camera movements going on in this movie, and I’ve really never noticed them before

Sallah says the Ark is on a truck headed for Cairo.

“Truck? What truck?”

That truck.

P.S. Editing.

Also, how did you know it was being loaded onto a truck if it wasn’t already on the truck? Was that the plan all along? To put it on the truck? Was the plane just aerial support? Or was it only there for the setpiece?

Does no one care that this priceless artifact is just being carried around in the open like this?

The Arabs’ entire religion is almost being disproven by the existence this one box. And no one cares.

I love how realistic this actually is. So much shit going on, no one’s paying attention to these people just hanging out over here. They’re RIGHT there, and yet no one notices.

Because I’d notice. That’s who I am. I’d be the one looking around.

Are they rioting? What’s going on?

Nice ride.

Colin:

Convoy time. Eastbound and down. And a drop-top Mercedes as your blocker car.

Yup. Always have the goggles on.

Not quite a beanie, but it’s the Middle East.

Why are you pointing your gun like that?

Directors love shots of people starting cycles like this.

“Get back to Cairo. Get us some transport to England. Boat, plane, anything. Meet me at Omar’s. Be ready for me.”

He’s a really demanding bastard, Indiana Jones. It’s great how they consider him such a hero, even though he’s really only an action hero. Kind of like James Bond. He’s actually kind of a dick to women.

Also, look at Sallah. He’s like, “I like yo legs, baby.”

Colin:

Boat back to England. I welcome this development. This is a good movie, but what if [bad] movies gave you the opportunity to stop watching and switch to something else with random cues? Like, he’d tell her to arrange a boat trip to England and at the bottom, there’d be a list of WWII-era movies that take place on boats that you could watch instead. Lifeboat? Across the Pacific?

I like how they just know where Omar’s is.

Oh man. Across the Pacific. Remember when we discovered that one? I put that shit on randomly, and within thirty minutes was like, “You have to drop everything you’re doing and watch this shit immediately.” And then, by the end of the day, we’d both seen it. I don’t even want to hype it that much. I kind of like that it’s one of those under the radar great movies.

“I’m going after that truck.”

“How?”

“I don’t know. I’m making this up as I go.”

Notice how she talks back to him throughout the whole movie, but here, he’s like, “Go do this,” and she doesn’t say a fucking word.

Colin:

We love that he’s making it up as he goes. Boring people pride themselves on preparation, but nobody wants to watch a movie about something who makes a plan and sticks to it.

Unless it’s a heist movie.

What are you whipping the horse for? You have the fucking reins.

Also, why is there a horse there? Don’t they all have camels? Who the fuck brings a horse to the desert? Remember, three weeks in every direction. That horse was deliberately brought here.

War Horse.

Colin:

You can always judge the quality of a Hollywood classic by how many times during the film are brown people stymied by our white hero.

I wish, each time it happens, they hit their knees and say dejectedly, “Ah… stymied again!”

What do you guys do all day when you’re not being oppressed?

I love shots like this, of a camera tracking a horse. Because you get those perfect moments where only the horse and the rider are in focus.

Nobody cares that this guy is on this horse.

Oh, no big deal, it’s not like the biggest archaeological find in history is sitting between all of you guys.

Colin:

These guys are all bouncing back and forth like they’re riding horses. How much does that suck? Their job is to sit with a box.

Why aren’t goggles a thing anymore?

Why aren’t the overhead windshield wipers a thing anymore?

Seriously, I want to know what asshole brought this horse to the desert like this? And if you did bring a horse to the desert, how can you be stupid enough to lose it?

I know some horses are bred for this kind of climate and terrain, but still.

Colin:

Nice Arabian horse. Arabian horses are boss.

Horse power.

I’m sure Colin will know more concrete numbers off the top of his head, but I’m pretty sure he actually has a legitimate shot at running that car down with that horse.

That horse must be like, “What the fuck am I doing?”

See?

Now the horse is like, “What the fuck are you doing?”

Look at the path down the hill. You can see all the previous takes.

Colin:

THIS SONG IS THE SHIT

It’s not as all-out dark and badass sounding as the Jedi Temple March from Revenge of the Sith, but I’m so much more into what’s going on here. And it’s more upbeat and classic.

Fun fact: John Williams did not win an Oscar for this score.

Wanna know who beat him?

Vangelis. Chariots of Fire.

Not totally a “what the fuck” choice, but also not exactly an “Oh, that makes sense” one wither.

While we’re on the subject… other John Williams iconic scores that didn’t win Oscars:

Close Encounters. (Though that’s because he lost to Star Wars. Think about that one. He had both of those scores in the same year.)

Superman. (Lost to Midnight Express. Giorgio Moroder. Think the Scarface music.)

He lost for all the Star Wars and Indy sequels, since… more of the same, essentially. Though the Imperial March was a product of the Empire score.

Jurassic Park. (Wan’t even nominated for that one. Though he won for Schindler’s List that year, so it’s fine.)

Saving Private Ryan. (Lost to The Red Violin.)

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone. (Lost to Fellowship.)

His next nomination is gonna be his 50th, by the way.

How confident are we feeling he’s gonna get nominated for The Force Awakens?

He’s gotta also be on the shortlist for Spielberg’s new movie, too.

Or even both.

And, right there, you’re about to get shot.

Genius.

Firing at the Ark.

If this were made today, they’d have had a dam explode or something while this was happening, and they’d have to outrun the water.

That’s a Mercedes.

Though I guess it’s about to become a… Ford.

I wanna do that one day.

I love how these guys always let themselves be thrown out of the trucks.

What’s funny is, he’ll be the only one that lives.

That dude’s kept a steady grip on the wheel. Which is funny, since I was about to chide him for losing control of the car. Problem is, he doesn’t, which is badass. Other problem is – I see him turn the wheel all the way to the right and back again. And that truck has not swerved at all.

Look at that pedal.

WILHELM SCREAM!

Colin:

Wilhelm scream!

And he went through the windshield.

Look at that Aryan fuck driving.

Colin:

See how they’ve been driving for like 10 minutes and they’re already at a town? What happened to “the desert is three weeks in every direction?”

Maybe he figured that was because she was being directed by her tiny woman brain and not with a man-made automobile and the divine guidance of the Fuhrer.

And we wonder why the third world can’t get anywhere.

Colin:

That was like, the Trump Tower of rural Egypt.

I bet people came for miles to see those sticks.

Wow… your insurance is about to go up.

Colin:

Vehicles running into random stuff is always welcome. Movies these days are all about putting really expensive cars through elaborate chases where they never get a scratch on them and then at the end they’re wrecked. How about whatever cars getting all dinged up?

You got a brown guy on your windshield.

On second thought… I bet his insurance doesn’t go up.

I bet this is thought of as acceptable.

“The fuck was that?”

Nazis and Americans coming together momentarily for their amusement of brown people.

Maybe… swerve? Or not do that? You do have the Ark, you know. You’ve won.

Dinosaur shot.

I bet those are all of Toht’s dildos and leather.

The sand is wet from previous takes.

Hey, remember when they’re gonna repeat this exact same chase three movies from now?

Looks like he says, “Oh, shit!” Which I love.

You have the Ark. What are we doing, exactly?

That was great. Didn’t even give them a chance to turn that into a thing. Just ran them off the road off-screen. Nice touch.

Colin:

In Crystal Skull, these poor bastards with the motorcycle would have been devoured by crocodiles.

On the one hand, I understand the sentiment behind what you’re saying, but on the other… it would be really funny if a crocodile came out of that tiny ass puddle and just pulled him under and you heard him scream. That would be as random as two and a half fucks.

It’s pretty great how he commandeered a truck and these guys are still just in the back of it.

Okay, you’re just making it easier for them to shoot you. I mean, sure, you don’t really have any other play, but still.

Well, maybe you had one play. Brake really fast and then try to spin them out from behind.

Oh, you know he dead. If he puts his arms up before we cut wide, they’re going right off a cliff.

Because putting your arms up — perfect shield from falling hundreds of feet to your death.

Boy, that cliff came out of nowhere.

Colin:

Where did this Grand Canyon-sized cliff come from all of a sudden? I like how it looks, but WHAT?

Also, how bad must it be to be the guy not in the car right now? I mean, you’re in the car, maybe you think you have a shot at living, but free falling like that?

He never saw Venice.

Though, by the end of this shot, both guys are out of the car. So they’re really just fucked twelve ways from Earth Day.

I don’t know what happens here. The guy says something, then they say, “Okay, break.” But there’s one guy in the back who just stands there, not doing anything.

Only now are these assholes trying anything.

This is amusing.

Victor McLaglen Nazi doesn’t think this is such a good idea.

“How my hair look?”

Gregory Peck / James Mason Nazi is on it.

Tree branches apparently cause you to lose your grip on things.

That really shouldn’t be that big a thing to have to overcome. Indy would have held on, no problem.

Good thing that bush broke his fall.

Damn. Look at that blood spatter.

Colin:

It’s always great when your character gets shot this far from the end of the movie. Indiana Jones is the type of character who can get shot and you’re like, “Yeah, this movie is continuing without a problem.” The man just takes punishment like no other.