Fun with Franchises: Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (1984), Part II — “Yes, I Have Performed Intercourse on Several Notable Occasions”
We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.
Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.
We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.
We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.
Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.
Right now, we’re doing the Indiana Jones franchise, and today is the second part of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.
We begin Part II with peasants.
The old guy walked here faster than they did.
That’s a video game thing. How the person you need to follow is somehow a certain number of steps in front of you, and you can never catch up to them until you’re meant to.
Colin:
Or how you’re always allowed to check out what’s going on in the area before you catch up to them and they go the next 100 steps. Resident Evil or whatever always let you spend like 10 minutes checking everywhere for hidden stuff or ammo while your companion stands next to the exit, probably catching up on Fresh Air with Teri Gross podcasts or something.
How great would that be? To have podcasts going in open world games.
Driving around with someone in the trunk for GTA and listening to podcasts.
The village is that way, he points, even though we’re living in a place where it would be painfully obvious where the village is.
Awesome shot.
So, the explanation for this is some sort of supernatural bad luck.
Honestly it looks like ze Germans got there.
What a great pose. I’m gonna start using that as a response to people.
She’s still carrying around that fucking dress.
This is what America thinks of itself. That people will come for blocks just to see a white person.
Colin:
In some parts of Japan, that’s still true.
They’re white, so naturally they must have money.
That’s kind of racist.
Colin:
Ew, no. Anything but beggar hands.
Anything But Beggar Hands.
This is how we’re taught to view poor countries.
Colin:
I’ve found it’s better not to view them at all.
Look at Dave Chappelle beggar.
Colin:
Holy shit. That is uncanny.
I love these subtle glances at the camera.
Isn’t the thing that all their children are missing? Why is no one trying to adopt him?
There we go.
Colin:
They like the white people but the Asian kid only gets the ratchet old lady.
This is a pretty great shot. They’re all bowing to the white people, she’s totally into it, and he’s just pissed off that he has to deal with peasants. And I don’t know what the fuck Short Round is looking at, but it’s great. One guys’s looking one way, one guy’s looking the other, and Short Round is like, “Oh, what do you want from me?”
Colin:
That’s an unpleasing number of ribs on that guy over there on the right.
“Come, eat our leaves.”
Colin:
We have to have the scene where they eat nasty food. I had Indian food today. That shit was GOOD. Chicken and mushroom tikka masala. C’mon. Indian food is amazing.
Oh fuck yeah. I had that shit the other day.
This is where he offers it to the starving guy and he tells him it’s all for him.
These people sure are excited to watch white people eat.
“I can’t eat this.”
Just kill her and get it over with. Seriously.
“That’s more food than these people eat in a week. They’re starving.”
It’s also not even that disgusting. It’s just beans and rice.
Colin:
More than they eat in a week? Maybe NOW that there’s no food and they’re cursed. But I call bullshit. There’s no way that’s more than 300 calories. These people aren’t eating 300 calories a WEEK.
“I’m sorry. You can have—”
“Eat it.”
“I’m not hungry.”
“You’re insulting them, and you’re embarrassing me.”
That face.
Also, seriously, why is she being such a cunt?
“Eat it.”
Yeah, listen to the Asian child.
Well that’s just a disgusting way to eat.
Colin:
And yet, I bet Spielberg was loving this. “Four fingers, oh, you’re nasty!”
“Bad news coming.”
“Can you provide us with a guide to take us to Delhi?”
Reaction shots are the key to comedy.
“On the way to Delhi, you will stop at Pankot.”
He’s going to Pankot Palace. He thought it was deserted, but it’s not anymore. Apparently now it has the power of the “dark light.”
“The fuck is this guy talking about?”
That place kills his people. It spreads evil everywhere.
“The evil?”
Great moment of contemplation.
Look at Short Round. “Evil, huh?” as he finishes his lunch. Priorities, man.
“See? Bad news.”
What’s he shushing him for? I don’t get his motivation for this. Isn’t he looking for artifacts? This isn’t about artifacts. This is a favor, and some local shit.
This is a weird set up. You have the diamond or no? What’s in Delhi? He’s selling his diamond, right? Or does he just wanna get home? Either way, this entire plot is a diversion, much like this entire film is a diversion from a great first and third entry to the series.
Colin:
Difficult to place the motivation here, for sure. We’re not presented with an artifact to start, like we are in the first and third movies. And the random artifact we ARE presented with is not really something that’s lost or that’s been sought after for a thousand years or whatever. I’m not Christian, and I’m not religious, but I’ll say this much: if your Indiana Jones movie isn’t dealing with Bible relics, I have no use for your Indiana Jones movie.
Because at least that’s a made up story we know about.
They took some sacred stone of theirs. Sivalinga. But still. Indy knows what it is. I doubt it’s worth that much money.
Colin:
This is like Roger Moore knowing Amazon plants. Jones just knows the local palace like it ain’t shit. And knows all the comings and goings, at least up until recently.
Is he up on that Pankot Monthly?
“Huh?”
Shut the fuck up, Willie.
“Goddamnit, woman, it’s a stone. Keep up.”
“It is why Shiva brought you here.”
Everyone is laughing creepily in this movie.
Colin:
This old ass Indian dude didn’t speak English, so apparently Spielberg had to teach him his lines one by one, off camera.
His hair is something else. That’s that Bruce Dern hair.
So dude’s like, “Shiva brought you here to help us,” and Indy’s like, “Nah, dude, our plane just crashed,” and dude’s like, “Yeah, he did it. So you can help us.”
He tells Indy to go get the stone and bring it back to them. And apparently he’s just going to agree, because he just ate their cow shit.
Colin:
And so we have a quest. Hooray. I’m so glad we had some bullshit go down in Shanghai just to get us here.
What’s that about? Short Round copying his movements?
Colin:
I won’t say I don’t like it as a shot, though. This sort of shot is nice.
Yeah, but it’s not exactly Marcel Mar-so subtle.
So these people just sit around and be sad now?
Weird that they just took the stone like that.
I don’t even begin to try to understand the weird supernatural shit they throw on top of these stories.
Indy exposits exactly what the stone looks like, purely for the audience. It’s awful, being so attuned to exposition. I can’t even listen to it without cringing.
Put it this way: “You say your flag was stolen? Did it have red and white stripes? Thirteen of them, to represent the original founding colonies? And white stars on a blue background in the corner? 50, to represent the current 50 states?” See what I’m saying? That’s how all of this sounds to me.
Colin:
Oh, religion. I like how it’s totally cool that this weird black magic shit works in a universe where the Judeo-Christian God has already been proven to exist. Although, that’s technically after this. It’s not like in Raiders or Crusade, he was skeptical about what was going on because he knew that the Hindu religion was legit.
It’s not the fact that he’s explaining it. It’s, if he understands, and they understand, who’s really the recipient of the information? The audience. And it’s obvious. So either don’t do it, or do it differently.
He can talk shorthand with them, but then have someone else ask about it. And he explains to them. Simple. “So what exactly are we looking for?” “It’s a smooth stone that looks like it came out of a sacred river. And has three lines across it, representing the three levels of the universe.” Simple. Acceptable exposition.
And if you really want to make it not sound like exposition, you throw in a line after that. Doesn’t even have to be clever. He explains it, and then goes, “You see it, you come find me real fast.” It costs them nothing to write it correctly.
Colin:
It’s sad that people don’t write better.
Why is the Asian kid rooting around in the rock vagina?
Colin:
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve seen that happen in Japan…
I think he found the rock clitoris.
Colin:
You ever make a stone moan?
One time I was whispering into this rock in Cambodia…
She doesn’t understand how one rock could destroy a whole village.
Once the stone was taken, the wells dried up, and the river turned to sand. And the crops and animals died. Well that’s fucked up.
Colin:
He knows all this random shit. And it doesn’t matter, because we’re just building up to…
Oh, there’s more. Then there was a fire. And when the men went to fight the fire, they came back to find the women crying. The kids were taken.
Colin:
THE CHILDREN! THEY STOLE THE CHILDREN!
Keeping track:
Stone was taken. Made wells dry up. Made water turn to sand.
So basically… dry season.
And then the crops and animals died.
All of this basically comes back to water.
Which I’m guessing they’re diverting for their child labor operation.
And because it’s dry, there’s a fire.
Or they set the fire as a distraction so they could steal the children.
Either way — supernatural shit doesn’t need to be there.
And actually, it kind of isn’t. The only supernatural stuff that happens is Indy’s weird conversion thing and the stones catching fire at the end. It’s actually less than the previous film.
Colin:
His conversion was PROBABLY just PCP in the gross blood, if we’re honest.
This is true. This movie is actually a lot better if you consider it entirely part of a PCP trip.
This is a weird place to end. Well, not really. He’s pondering the missing kids. But then the cut that happens here…
Makes it seem like he’s watching this happen. Which, as we’re going to find out in a second, he isn’t.
I found one!
Colin:
This would be a great shot, if it wasn’t also gross. This kid needs some burgers.
That would be fun. Offer the starving Indian kid food from a sacred animal. That would be a real Shanti’s Choice.
And that child grew up to become President of the United States.
Colin:
Weirdly, we’ve never had a president born in the 1930s or the 1950s. Just throwing that out there. Carter was 1924, Reagan was 1911, Bush Sr. was 1924, Clinton was 1946, Bush Jr. was 1946, and Obama was 1961. If Hillary wins, we’ll have another president born in the 1940s. Ted Cruz or Marco Rubio would be the first to be born in the 1970s. But those two…you’d have better luck betting on the Tennessee Titans to win, and I’m still talking about the presidency.
You don’t look particularly malnourished.
Colin:
You Don’t Look Particularly Malnourished
Is he gonna shank him?
Why does no one see this child, especially the one woman looking RIGHT AT HIM.
Look at his back. Clearly points to child labor. But whatever.
“Forrest… I wanna go home.”
Where does he get that from? Why does he conveniently have this to give to Indy?
Colin:
Ew. I’m sorry that you’ve suffered, child, but you’re doing that breathing like the nerdy kid on Hey Arnold! That kid, by the way, was called Brainy, and he was voiced by Craig Bartlett, who worked on Rugrats and created Hey Arnold! He’s also married to Lisa Groening, the sister of Matt Groening, and also where Lisa Simpson gets her name. See what these articles do? We learn. Oh right. Dying Indian kid.
This kid only exists for the plot.
People sure do like dying in his arms.
Hold this dead child, peasant.
I hope he gave him a note that says “fuck you.”
I really hope he gave him a note that says “fuck you.”
Oh, it’s a map.
It means something or other.
Colin:
How’d this kid get back here? Where’d he get the cloth? Can he read? He seems to know what to do.
Old school shot.
Too bad that sky is manufactured.
Remember Lawrence of Arabia? That was some real sky shit.
“Little boy escaped from evil palace. Many other children still there. What we do, Dr. Jones?”
Children always make you do dumb things.
He thinks someone believes the good luck of the village is in that lost stone. Which is apparently one of the lost Sankara stones.
Which should mean absolutely nothing to him.
Colin:
A shooting star! Now we know he has to save them.
I hope it turns him into a robot.
Because in my experience, that’s what shooting stars do.
“What is Sankara?”
It’s a stone.
“Fortune and glory, kid. Fortune and glory.”
No. It’s not. Because if you get the stone, you’re not gonna steal it from them. This makes absolutely zero sense.
Colin:
That would have been a REALLY dark plot. He gets the stone and brings it back to Marcus to fund one of his better adventures.
So here we are, with him deciding to go.
Remember when Lawrence went off by himself and decided to cross the Nefud? Indy went off by himself and decided, “Fuck it.” So now he’s going off to save children just so he can see a stone that will amount to absolutely no profit for him whatsoever.
Colin:
This movie needs more Anthony Quinn.
Is he not playing Short Round?
This motherfucker climbs an elephant like it’s nothing.
WE RIDE!
Is that a baby elephant for Short Round?
Also, they chained the fuck out of that thing.
Colin:
I never noticed that. That sucks.
And this is what they thought would make this film fun.
Colin:
Did you see how high she got her leg just then? No wonder Spielberg went for her. I have no use for her myself. Maybe if Short Round had an older sister….who would be about 100 by now. Never mind.
Reaction shots are the key to comedy.
What are we watching? I mean, honestly now.
“I can’t go to Delhi like this.”
“We’re not going to Delhi. We’re going to Pankot. Doll.”
“Pankot? I can’t go to Pankot. I need to call my agent. Is there a phone?”
Which is just dumb of her to say. Really? Do you think there’s gonna be a fucking phone nearby?
Yeah, bye peasants.
Smell ya later.
Colin:
Sitar music always means some mystical stuff is going down.
Nice coloring. That Apocalypse Now coloring.
Colin:
Love this wide shot with the elephants. We haven’t had too many great shots so far. At least, not many that I’ve really enjoyed.
He definitely doesn’t go wide as much in this film. Mostly because we’re in a cave for half of it.
Colin:
See what I mean about the 70s and 80s mostly sucking at period pieces? What woman in the 1930s had hair all frizzed out like that? That’s a completely 80s look.
Look at that elephant hair.
It looks like if you put gel on someone’s scrotum.
What happened to her dress?
Wait, they’re on the same elephant now? What happened?
I hate her so much.
Colin:
She’s pouring perfume on an elephant’s head. She is a plague upon this film. What happened to the sultry broad who drank for a living?
Honestly? She probably died in a house fire when she fell asleep with a lit cigarette and a bottle of gin.
Colin:
That’s how I wanna go. Just not gin.
I’d love it if he trunk smacked her.
And now Short Round is back on his own baby elephant.
Do we not care about continuity in this film?
Oh no, it’s them.
Colin:
It cracks me up that we make that joke constantly and nobody has seen The Cranes are Flying. But we’re still like, fuck it, stuff in the air means Soviet cinema joke!
The best thing about that reference — you can still see The Cranes Are Flying (and you should. It’s amazing), and still not understand what the hell it means.
She’s yelling at bats.
Colin:
Vampire bats. That’s one of the big issues with this movie – we’re supposed to be grossed out more than anything else. Raiders was all about the mystical powers of God and the Nazis being evil. This is like…ew, India. Which is crap, cause India’s awesome. Not that I’ve been, but I totally would go.
Her dress is around the neck of that elephant.
It’s hilarious how these animals are clearly chained up, yet they’re supposed to be wild.
I hate all of this.
So the elephant didn’t like the perfume, or are we just putting stupid shit in here because people’s hearts are gonna be ripped out in a half hour?
Hero shot.
And lens flare.
In the first movie, his hero shot happens as he thwarts a traitor from taking his map. Here, it happens as he disappointedly looks at a stupid woman who fell off an elephant.
Colin:
Well, when you put it THAT way…
I’m saying he’s a hero. He’s doing the Lord’s* work.
(* Voldemort)
Colin:
“Hahaha! Very funny! Hahaha!” I do laugh like this on occasion. If it’s at a vain woman’s expense.
These guys are their guide. And yet they get elephants while the guys have to walk.
What are they eating, by the way? If the town is starving?
How long is this journey?
“I was happy in Shanghai.”
Uhh… okay.
“I had a little house and a garden.”
You can barely even hear what she says over the whining. God, I hate this character.
“My friends were rich. We went to parties all the time in limousines.”
Can we kill her? Honestly. What is she doing in this movie? She’s the antagonist of this movie. Not Mola Ram.
“I hate being outside!”
Colin:
I will admit, though, seeing the whining it text for the first time makes me sympathize a bit. She shouldn’t be in this movie, but if I was in that position, I’d be bummed about being here instead of living it up in 1935 Shanghai. I mean, I’d also be GONE in like 2 weeks because I’m not trying to get Empire of the Sun-burnt.
I’m not really sure why she’s in this, either. She wasn’t part of his shit. He threatened to kill her and the owner was like, “Go ahead.” So then Jones just brought her with him. He could have left her, and she’d just have been upset at Lao for a while. There’s really no purpose for her to be here except to get a woman involved.
“I’m a singer! I could lose my voice!”
And then he decides they’re gonna camp there for the night. Because the dumb woman is slowing them down.
“Where’d you get your little bodyguard?”
Ah, the exposition scene. Always happens over a campfire.
“I didn’t find him, I caught him.”
His parents were killed, and he lived on the streets. He tried to pick Indy’s pocket.
Colin:
As a degree-holding East Asian Studies major, I’ll just say that this is also wrong. The Japanese bombed Shanghai in the January 28 Incident, in 1932. So unless Short Round is 7, he wasn’t 4 when it happened.
Bat.
Colin:
This chick needs to shut the fuck up.
“The most trouble with her is the noise.”
The men play poker while the woman screams.
And now he’s accusing him of cheating while she’s flipping the fuck out.
Colin:
Accusatory Chinese child accuses.
Monkeys.
And now they’re yelling at each other in Chinese.
There just happen to be these things right where she goes?
This is the dumb version of all the skeletons from last movie. And that was pretty dumb.
Colin:
I like children who cheat at cards. Shifty Asian kids are great.
I like people who maintain that the other person is cheating until they get caught.
See how quickly his face changes? “Hey, man, I was just playin’!”
Colin:
That is a great character thing to do. “Motherfucker, you cheat! What? Oh, that? You know, you know.”
Uh huh.
If you wanted, you could knock that owl right off that perch.
I am enjoying that they’re yelling at each other in Chinese, I just hate the rest of this scene.
There’s a face.
“This entire place is surrounded. It’s crawling with living things.”
“That’s why they call it the jungle, sweetheart.”
Welcome to the jungle, baby. You’re gonna die.
And now they settle down and start the exposition.
Willie is apparently her “professional name.” Like Indiana.
What if that elephant started shitting right now?
“Why are you dragging us off to this deserted palace? Fortune and glory?”
Why do you know the key phrase too?
“Fortune and glory.”
Why are you repeating it?
And then, more exposition.
Colin:
More exposition. We really don’t need this, and nobody’s paying attention. But I wonder if it were left out, would I not complain about it being left out?
This entire scene could be left out.
Magic rocks, basically.
And she says some shit about her grandfather.
And then she goes to bed, and he tells her to stay close, for safety. And she says (for what reason, I have no idea), “I’d be safer sleeping with a snake.”
Colin:
He doesn’t like snakes. And you know what? Neither do I. Not big ones, anyway.
Oh, so everything else freaks you out, but that, no problem?
They completely change her character just to get the laugh out of him being afraid of snakes.
And then we just change scenes. As if that snake just moseyed on up the forest, not pissed off that it was just thrown.
Nice color.
Is it weird that when I see this shot, I think Bio-Dome?
Colin:
Truth is, most shots make Mike think about Bio-Dome.
Especially in The Treasure of the Sierra Madre.
Colin:
You see it? You mean the only structure within miles? The enormous structure, prominently placed in your line of sight? You see that thing?
This movie needs a Sister Ruth.
Colin:
Doubt needed a Sister Ruth. Going My Way needed a Sister Ruth.
E.T. needed a Sister Ruth.
You see where this is going.
(Bio-Dome actually has a Sister Ruth.)
Great how these places have magic walkways for them to travel down.
Scared locals, afraid of some supernatural shit. Again.
GPOY
Leone shot.
Why’d you get so close, exactly?
To show that he’s at least a little afraid of it and believes in it? Which makes that weird turning evil thing work later?
Indy has AIDS now.
Colin:
If he doesn’t here, he sure will in a little bit.
And they’re just peacing.
“They’re stealing our rides!”
“We walk from here.”
Ah… dialogue.
Colin:
This is that part where he gets to tell the natives to fuck themselves and their superstitions, but at the same time, kinda believe in them himself. Which just makes him braver than they are, really.
Colin:
That IS a lot of bats. And that IS gross. Bats start every nasty disease. Ebola included. Seriously, look up all the infectious diseases that have occurred in the past 15 years. Like ¾ of them start with bats.
Contagion.
Matte paintings are awesome.
This is so Wizard of Oz, too.
Colin:
The ironic thing is that George Lucas’ place is actually more impressive than this dump.
Is that guy texting while riding an elephant?
What do those guards do all day? Just stand there outside the deserted palace?
Colin:
There are a lot of them. I wonder about how they procure food, and based on the feast that happens in a bit, we’re probably still looking at hunter-gatherers.
Why is Gatherer not every person named Hunter’s middle name?
Nerdy white guy. You know he’s secretly into some dark shit.
Colin:
This dude’s slimy. Obviously a bad guy, as we all know from the get-go.
Introductions.
“I’m the Asian sidekick who’s also comic relief. She’s the noisy cunt we all hate.”
“Dr. Jones? The eminent archaeologist?”
I want to be an “eminent” something one day. If only alcoholic.
Colin:
And he’s heard of Indy, which is weird. He’s just a whatever professor. Even if he was a baller archaeologist, who’s heard of archaeologists? And this is before the internet, too.
Even if you did hear of him, you wouldn’t say “eminent” before his name.
Why do they widen their spear stances when they shake hands?
One bird.
They always put a bird in to make it seem more realistic.
Colin:
Is this not the same as the cut to Jabba’s palace from the outside?
Goddamn, son.
This is some Black Narcissus shit.
Dancing chicks is always a good way to start a scene.
Just in case you weren’t sure where we are.
So what exactly is his eyesight like?
Colin:
Looking professor-ly again, which is a bit weird, though I like that they put in the music and the dance.
Hey, remember colonialism?
Colin:
What the fuck is Colonel Mustard doing here?
He’s here peacekeeping with his condiments.
What a great band name. Colonel Mustard and the Condiments.
Indy had to have taken this kid to his first whorehouse at some point, right?
Colin:
I don’t think I need to make a “Short Round” joke here.
You don’t need to…
He says she looks great. I respectfully disagree.
But she’s more interested in this maharajah. Dude’s got some money.
Colin:
She does NOT look beautiful. She looks stupid. White people need to not wear ethnic clothing.
She finds out he’s not married. She want the dick.
Colin:
She’s one bad stereotype after another. Now she’s the over-the-top gold digger. Which, considering what happened with the actress that played her, isn’t far off the mark.
I like this place. I like pretty much any place wit high ceilings and carved walls and stuff. I’d live in a place like this. High on a mountain in India.
How do they figure out the place settings?
Colin:
This is a pretty dope dining room, but I do hate sitting on the floor. The Japanese love sitting on the floor, and it sucks.
Colin:
This guard on the left is slouching. Slouching guards will not be tolerated in my kingdom.
Hey look, it’s little Sabu.
Colin:
The Maharajah is a lil bitch. I could kick the shit out of this kid.
But this time, for a purpose.
That one asshole didn’t get the memo about the dress code.
A ha. She wants child dick.
There’s no way this kid doesn’t grow up to be an asshole.
“Maybe he like older women.”
What? It’s a legitimate point. Arguably your job is even easier now. You get to play the motherly role, and promise him the pussy in a few years. And then you can bang him when he gets older.
Colin:
These guys are always into the motherly figure. Fujitsubo, Murasaki no Ue, amirite?
Kid recognize kid.
Colin:
Probably hopes they can chill out later and play Sega or something.
In this place, Pitfall is for real.
And he’s a little prick.
Meanwhile, the adults talk.
This is the kind of conversation that you realize — you don’t care about it until you’re truly an adult. I went home for Christmas for the first time in three years this past December, and the family started their usual after dinner argument. And for the first time, I found myself participating in it. (Granted, I was doing it just to be annoying. But I still engaged.) And it made me realize, “Shit, that means I’m an adult now.”
And this has cult members.
Colin:
I know what you mean. I never realized it was affecting me until I started talking shit about news and wanting to write news. Then I went home to hang out with family, and they started arguing about some shit that was on the news, and I remembered.
He talks about some academic shit.
Is she stealing from him or just checking to see how much they’re worth?
Colin:
Didn’t know Horatio Sanz was in this movie. All the SNL folks.
Snake for dinner.
Also, he want that purple stuff.
Colin:
You know that this is a dish that only gets used for snake surprise. It’s a big ass silver platter with a spiked tower sticking up out of the center. What else could go on this? Where did they get this thing? This isn’t a real thing, like at Sur la Table in New Dehli, is it?
This is a weird scene. Because on the one hand, you assume it’s to freak out the guests, but on the other, some of those people eat that shit right up.
Remember in Raiders when these shots looked iconic?
Here, not so much.
Maybe that’s the same one she threw in the forest.
So it’s snake stuffed with eel? And the snake was used as insulation?
I do not understand your cuisine.
Colin:
No, did you never get this? Those are baby snakes, still alive. They probably had this snake alive until like 10 minutes ago, and now they’re cutting the live babies out of it. Fucked up, yes.
Come to think of it, maybe like, twice at Usdan they had this.
Where did you get the gum from?
This is like Olive Garden.
Colin:
Who eats like that? Nobody eats like that.
He talks about someone named Thuggee. And I know I’m gonna have a lot of fun with that one the rest of the movie.
Colin:
Ever notice how Harrison Ford is a mumbler until there’s a line that he’s had to ask someone how to pronounce, at which point he over-enunciates? “peasandcarrotspeasandcarrots THUH-GEE?” I’ve always kind of liked that about him.
Colin:
I was trying to remember where I’ve seen Colonel Mustard, so I looked him up, and now I feel stupid. Alex’s dad in A Clockwork Orange, The Shining, Barry Lyndon…he was even SPECTRE #5 in the meeting scene in Thunderball. But really, The Shining is probably the number one. “I…corrected them.”
I have no use for the dialogue on this scene.
Oh, good. Beetles.
And jello.
“You are not eating?”
Colin:
Is this guy seriously going to guilt trip her for not eating? You don’t scrape out a beetle and act like it ain’t shit. Unless he’s trolling her, it would be absurd to expect this white woman to be cool with anything. Have you ever tried eating with a white woman? They don’t like ANYTHING.
Her excuse is, “I had bugs for lunch.”
“Give me your hat.”
“Why?”
“Cause I’m gonna puke in it.”
So he brings up the village, and how they say evil shit’s going down here, and how they had something taken from them.
Naturally the dude is like, “No idea.”
Colin:
This Thugee dialogue is crap. I feel like I’m hearing it for the first time, which is probably because I’m paying attention for the first time.
“Excuse me, sir. Do you have anything simple, like soup?”
What? Real food? Nan, son.
No soup should emit that much steam when you open it.
See, now they’re just fucking with her.
Colin:
Ford has this doofy grin on his face the whole time, and it’s the only part of this that works. This is also the look he has when he’s stoned on TV.
What was taken? A rock. “You see, Captain? A rock!”
Colin:
This sounds like Scooby Doo. Folklore, which is basically their version of “ARTIFICE!”
He goes on about the Sankara stones. Which is great, since he’s literally calling this guy a liar, even though the guy is like, “Do you hear yourself? I invited you to dinner, asshole.”
And then he’s like, “Weren’t you considered a graverobber in Honduras?”
“The newspapers greatly exaggerated the incident.”
“And wasn’t it the sultan of Madagascar who threatened to cut your head off if you ever returned?”
Why aren’t we seeing those adventures?
Colin:
Now this guy brings out the newspaper clippings, which obviously we all know about. It’s one thing to have even heard of Jones – it’s bordering on creepy to have read all the newspaper stories from abroad about him.
“No, it wasn’t my head.”
“Then your hands, perhaps.”
“No, it wasn’t my hands. It was my—”
“My misunderstanding.”
Colin:
Hah! Eunuch joke! That’s so Madagascar.
“Exactly what we have here, Dr. Jones.”
A penis?
Colin:
It would seem an appropriate time to mention that this is the guy who played Nehru in Gandhi. So this is a step up, to be sure. In this movie he STARTS as a prime minister.
He’s wearing one of Nehru’s jackets.
“I’ve heard the evil stories of the Thuggee cult.”
Right, though?
Oh, brown child, you’ve really done it this time.
Colin:
You could hear a pin drop. Or maybe the sound of this kids balls, eventually.
“I thought the stories were told to frighten children.”
Then he found out they were real. And apparently has feelings about that.
Colin:
You always have to be nice to the host. Doesn’t that suck? Bond would’ve had something amusing to say.
“And I assure you, this will never happen again in my kingdom.”
Colin:
This kid wants to see some blonde ussy-pay.
Cut to…
“Ahh.”
Yum.
Dessert.
These courses go by fast.
Though I guess that’s what happens when your child host says something dumb and you want to speed it up so you can send him to Saudi Arabia. (Since that’s what they do after this.)
And she faints.
Bad exposition is made worse by dumb comic interludes in between it.
I have no use for anything in this movie outside of the opening sequence.
Take everything after the shot of the aircraft taking off at sunrise (which made no sense at all, but, it never really does) and change it.
Colin:
I’ll admit, you won’t find me at my most charitable at this point in the movie. Fuck all of this.
Why don’t we see how Short Round got that tray he’s holding? I’d much rather the comedy be him stealing some shit.
“Uhh… I think I’ll just check on Willie.”
I’ll bet you will.
“That’s all you better do.”
What I’m curious about here is — is he telling him not to fuck her because he’s a child and, “Eww, gross”? Or is it because, “Please don’t fuck her”? I hope it’s the latter.
“Tell me later what happened.”
That’s fucked up.
“Don’t fuck her.” And then, “Tell me how it went.”
Though, that is something one of your boys would do.
“Are you really gonna fuck her? Don’t fuck her. Don’t do that to yourself. Yo, let me know how it went tomorrow.”
Did she know he was there? Was she listening to all that? What’s that about?
“I’ve got something for you.”
His Indiana JOHNSON!
And he’s gonna put it in your temple of doom.
“There’s nothing you have that I could possibly want.”
“Right.”
His line basically takes care of anything I was about to say.
The fact that they have apples here makes me wonder how much of that dinner was a charade. Though you have to think — not that much, though, right? Because how much time did they really have to prepare that? Did they find out they were gonna be staying and within an hour decide, “Throw some eyeballs in that soup. Ethnic it up a bit”?
Damn, woman you is voracious.
Colin:
Look at what’s gone on so far in this movie and what’s going on right now and you’ll understand something that I didn’t really put into my final thoughts, but that Mike got to during Raiders, which is that that movie (and Crusade) succeeded because they built the character from scratch. Of course Crusade didn’t, but it gave us a backstory and explained who the character was.
Put it this way, if that was the first Indiana Jones movie someone was seeing, they wouldn’t have gross misconceptions about who this character is or who he’s supposed to be. So far in this movie though, we see him onscreen and basically go, “Well, these stones seem to be vaguely archaeological…I guess he could be involved with whatever’s going on.” There’s no development! We’re just expected to go along with all of this based on what we know from the previous film. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is a failure.
Well now.
Colin:
She has to play hard to get and then fall into his arms when she finds out he has an apple. I miss Marion.
The weird thing is, his face in this moment is like, “Oh yeah, I got her.” Yet, when he’s teaching, and a chick essentially tells him she wants to fuck him, he’s all flustered. We know he doesn’t have a problem with young girls, so what’s the change? Is it only when he’s in the Indiana persona and not the Dr. Jones one?
Colin:
Look at her hair now. It’s feathered. She looks like a fucking Bon Jovi groupie.
More than that.
“Oh, you’re a very nice man. Maybe you could be my palace slave.”
What?!
Oh, thanks for the fruit. When I end up fucking this kid, maybe I can do something for you.
The assassin is in the wrong room.
Colin:
The Assassin Is In The Wrong Room
That’s a nice little pause. It’s a mix of, “That was insulting,” and, “That was an in for sex.”
“You wear your jewels to bed, princess?”
Colin:
Whoa. This is getting very forward. He BASICALLY brought her a pizza, and now they’re gonna fuck. How is it that this movie is doing the porn dialogue worse than some actual porn flicks?
George Lucas.
“Yeah. And nothing else.”
That seems inconvenient.
Nothing like sexy chewing.
Right Tom Jones?
No, that’s not what…
Never mind.
That face.
“That shock you?”
“Nothing shocks me. I’m a scientist.”
Electricity shocks him.
(I am rubber and you are glue. So fuck you, Pikachu.)
“So as a scientist you do a lot of research?”
She annoys me to no end. The problem here is, you bang her, but then you still have to deal with her afterwards, even if you didn’t want to.
Colin:
Maybe if you could be sure you were out before she woke up.
“Always.”
“And what sort of research would you do on me?”
All the worst kinds.
“Nocturnal activities.”
“You mean like what sort of cream I put on my face at night, what position I like to sleep in?”
“Mating customs.”
“Love rituals?”
He took the glasses off.
Feel the chemistry, people.
“Primitive sexual practices.”
“So you’re an authority on that area?”
“Years of field work.”
Colin:
“Yes, I have performed intercourse on several notable occasions.”
Only John Williams could make this scene not seem as ridiculous as it is. My god, is she terrible.
“I don’t blame you for being sore at me.”
Not as sore as you’re gonna feel in the morning.
BAM!
“I’ve had worse.”
Trust me, dude. No you haven’t. Not even with the monkeys.
Colin:
I think we’re pretty harsh toward her because her character sucks. I feel like in spite of her blonde-ness, I could be pretty fond of her if they’d written her correctly, in a better movie. But of course, character vs. actress. I haven’t seen her in other stuff. Don’t know.
“But you’ll never have better.”
A HA HA HA HA HA HA I just cut open a tendon
“I don’t know.”
If he walked out right now, I’d stand up and applaud.
“As a scientist, I don’t want to prejudice my experiment. I’ll let you know in the morning.”
“Why you conceited ape! I’m not that easy.”
Weren’t you going to bang a pre-teen like an hour ago?
Colin:
This has been all about sex. Why is she NOW getting offended? Do some girls just think they have to play along for giggles and then get shitty later?
“I’m not that easy, either.”
Is it possible for a guy to not be easy?
Also, nice little bit with the door. Not amazing, but always fun when they pull the hide and the reveal.
Colin:
Oh, but he IS that easy. We know this from when he did his Doody. And from the line, “There were a lot of Marys, kid.”
“The trouble with you is, Willie, you’re too used to getting your own way.”
Wait, what? Explain that to me again.
So she makes the slave comment, and he’s like, “Well all right… I might get some.” He asks about the jewels, and she implies she sleeps naked. She’s clearly coming onto him, or trying to shock him. Either way, you don’t make that comment if you’re not at the very least interested. He says he’s a scientist. She flirts with him. There is no other interpretation for this. They flirt together. They kiss. Both are clearly into it. She apologizes for being a bitch. She says she understands. He says, “Ehh… I’ve been around worse people.” Which is what you say to a chick when you’re about to stick your penis inside her, even if it’s not true. And she says, “I’m gonna be the best fuck you’ve ever had.” And he, jokingly, says, “I don’t know. Let’s not bias the experiment. I’ll reserve judgment in the morning. Clearly referring to their flirting. And then she gets pissed like, “Wait a minute… you think I’m going to fuck you that easily?” Yeah. Because you clearly told him you were going to fuck him and that it would be the best he’s ever had. And for some dumb ass reason, he goes, “Well shit, I don’t fuck people that easily either!” Which makes no goddamn sense at all, because he just said he’s banged a lot of women. And why would you say that of all things? Wouldn’t you turn on the charm one last time and close the deal? This conversation makes no sense and clearly seems to be there because Lucas needed an out to make it to the next sequence.
But even if you want to let that comment pass, then he goes, “You know what your problem is? You’re too used to getting things your way.” Which means what? Are they arguing about whose terms on which they’re fucking? Or is he like, “You know what? You think I’m gonna fuck you. Now I’m not”? I’m so confused as to what happened.
Colin:
“Now you could cum or you could go. Don’t make me no nevermind.” Also, when I’m about to sex someone, I usually say something like, “ちくび、なめるなよ。” because I’m constantly baffled about why Japanese dudes like getting their nipples licked.
“And you’re just too proud to admit that you’re crazy about me, Dr. Jones.”
A HA HA HA. I’d laugh in her face right now. Do you know how many women he’s banged? You’re singing in a fucking Chinese nightclub!
Colin:
He’s doing the same walk he did in the first step onto the invisible bridge.
See what I mean? Desperation masquerading as strength.
“You want me, Willie, you know where you can find me.”
Well goddamn. This is some college shit. Start a fight in the hallway and then hand signal, “I’ll see you in five.”
“Five minutes. You’ll be back over here in five minutes.”
I don’t get what this argument is about. You’re both in fucking India. You haven’t had sex in at least a week. You almost died like three times already. If you’re gonna bang, it’s purely for sex and nothing else. What’s with the arguing? Is this seriously about who is gonna cave first?
Also, you have to go to her room anyway. You have a little Asian boy sleeping in yours.
“I’ll be asleep in five minutes.”
Honestly, he has all the power here.
Colin:
“You know it, and I know it.”
Why not just be nice? A spoonful of sugar helps the dick go down.
Guess that’s why they call it the Karma… Sucra.
HE GAVE YOU THAT FRUIT!
(He gave you that fruit so show him your melons. Was probably what that should have been.)
Well goddamn. I hope she doesn’t come over here. You gonna bang with Short Round sleeping on the futon like that?
How’d he fall asleep that fast?
It also looked like a bunch of Indian guys are watching him sleep.
What? You’re seriously looking at the clock to time five minutes? You can’t guesstimate that shit mentally?
Also, Short Round looks like I do most Tuesdays.
You with the fucking clock too?
Those pajamas look terrible.
Fucking really? You just has fucking snake for dinner. Do we really need the formalities?
Colin:
And now she’s getting ready for fucking? Is this for real? They’re doing the cuts back to one another? Stop it. Just stop it. Is she going to bust out the razor and the toothbrush like Kristen Stewart?
He needs more mileage on him.
All… right.
Also titties on the wlal.
Seriously, just fall asleep.
Really? That’s how you present yourself?
Honestly, just jerk off and be done with it.
Fucking really? You can’t kill time for FIVE minutes?
Colin:
It’s 10:18. Isn’t Law & Order SVU on? Kill time with Ice-T.
This is why we can’t have nice things.
“Palace slave…”
Colin:
Indiana Jones is not supposed to talk to himself. Not about anything, and especially not about a girl.
“Nocturnal activities…”
Is that some lesbian shit happening back there?
“I’M a conceited ape?”
You’re gonna wake up Short Round.
“I’ll tell you in the morning.”
What, was he gonna tell you before you fucked?
“I can’t believe it.”
“He’s not coming.”
“She’s not coming.”
You’re not over there yet.
Also, were you really not going to take the Asian kid into account during all of this?
But he is.
Colin:
Assassination Attempt or Sex?
Little of column A, little of column B.
“I can’t believe I’m not going.”
Colin:
The garrote is a weird choice of weapon. But I guess he didn’t want to be an Indian shivver.
That is weird that he went with that. Because even if he made noise, will people really hear this? Don’t most other people in this palace also want him dead? If he ends up dead in the morning, won’t we assume murder and nothing else? Why not poison him? He’s susceptible to that. Or did we already do that gag?
And this isn’t waking everyone up?
Short Round, you sleepy fuck.
Colin:
Why does nobody go for the knees?
Way to wake up, Short Round.
“Indiana Jones! This is one night you’ll never forget.”
Great. It’s not like anyone can hear you.
And now they definitely can’t hear the murder going on in Room 7.
“This is the night I slipped right through your fingers.”
Fingers.
Get it?
“I could have been your greatest adventure.”
Official nominee for worst movie lines of all time.
Remember when AFI made that list of top quotes? Well, if they made the opposite (which they should), this should be a nominee.
Colin:
She doesn’t know him as an adventurer. And that line. I’m gonna go throw up now.
Look at that pose.
About fucking time!
Now these guys are watching a murder.
Silhouettes are back.
Naturally, he throws him the whip. Because what else is his purpose here? He’s a fucking child.
Colin:
Nice little leitmotif with the whip.
Tug of war!
… as he, chokes him to death.
Shourt Round is the Duggory in this scenario.
Completely plausible.
You think that was his first murder?
No way that fan doesn’t come down. But sure.
Looks like… the Sikh has hit the fan.
“Shorty, turn off the switch.”
Why, leave him hanging like that? That’s a great message to send to people.
Falling corpses are the key to comedy.
Colin:
The whole guest room assassination attempt thing reminded me of On Her Majesty’s Secret Service when Draco’s dude tries to knock him out in the casino hotel.
“Oh, Indy…”
So after our first taste of what this movie should be, doesn’t she come off as that much more annoying?
“Be gentle with me.”
A HA HA.
Colin:
Please. Please stop.
How do you think Indiana Jones bangs? Technique-wise, I’m talking about.
Colin:
I feel like it involves Tutting.
This is the point where he searches the entire room and realizes only one person was sent to kill them. Which he should find insulting.
“I’m here.”
“There’s nobody here.”
“No, I’m here.”
“Hey, I’m right here!”
Colin:
Maybe he’d look if she took her shirt off.
At least 80% of this movie is ridiculous so far.
I like that pillar.
Colin:
Ah, the old look-where-the-flowers-are-blowing trick from Nam.
Why would you put a secret passageway in a guest room?
Colin:
Hah. She has…personality.
You’re better off with the carving than with her.
Colin:
I still say he should sleep with her first. Better to get back to full health before you go off somewhere.
Movies should do that!
“I’m gonna go beat his ass! But first!”
And then he lays down on the bed as like, three corpses are there and naps for like four hours, then gets up and goes into the next room.
I still will always remember that the biggest company in Kanto had fucking beds just chilling on one of its floors.
Images.
Push them titties into Narnia.
Where’s Short Round?
It says to “follow the footsteps of Shiva.”
Probably means something.
Or it’s a national picture or something, and that’s just everywhere.
Love this shot. This is the adventure movie in a single image. And he’s gonna put on the hat.
“Stay behind me, Short Round. Step where I step. And don’t touch anything.”
I know that look.
Yup.
Colin:
How obviously Styrofoam was that wall?
Is that Statler and Waldorf?
They look so happy that they scared a little Asian child.
Colin:
This should be shown to children at museums. “I STEP WHERE YOU STEP! I TOUCH NOTHING!”
“Indy!”
Because that’s smart. And not annoying.
Colin:
We do these notes in a document and then Mike puts them together in the articles later on, so the overall word count is a pretty good gauge of how enthusiastic I am about a movie, or how much I have to say throughout. I usually write about 2000 words about the first ten minutes of a movie, unless it’s Twilight. With this, I was right on the money – 1800 in the first ten minutes.
What happens next, is – based on how good (and long) the movie is and how interesting the universe is, my output falls. So for a Twilight movie, I’ll end with like 6000 words. With The Matrix, it was 11000. With something long and intricate like my dick Return of the King, I end up with like 17000 words by the end of the movie. Now that I’m hitting the middle of this movie, I’m only at 4500, and I’m making an effort.
Considering that the ends of these movies are always action heavy and don’t need a lot of commentary, it’ll only slow down from this point, so I’m looking at like 7000. That’s a lot closer to Twilight than it is to Return of the King. And that’s sadly true, actually. If we started mapping out our number of words typed per minute of film and then compared it across films, I bet that would be a pretty decent metric of our overall evaluation of the film’s quality. Except for the Star Wars prequels, which had WORDS because we were making fun of them.
I just watch the movies and make dick jokes. Is how my strategy works.
I like yo rock boobies.
Oh, how nice.
Colin:
Yes. Touch the rock boobies.
This is another great adventure movie shot.
Bugs. Because otherwise there would be nothing to fear in these places.
I don’t mind that the bugs are here, I just wonder what kind of infestation the actual palace has. Because there are too many bugs back here to not have some of them overflow into the palace.
Not to mention, back with the child labor.
Who sets these trap doors?
I’m not really sure what the purpose of this door is. What exactly were they hiding? This was clearly here before the thuggee came back.
I really want to know why ancient peoples decided to go to such great lengths to build these traps.
That is a paring knife!
I like the expressionist design of those rock doors.
Told you it was a paring knife.
Also, with a little more light, that could be a good shot.
Oh good… bones.
Colin:
All of a sudden, you light a match and there’s sound everywhere.
Matches create fill silhouettes.
“Look, just stand up against the wall, will ya?”
Colin:
He tells him to stay against the wall, which is obviously going to cause problems. Why would they leave a trigger in the wall? Is that for in case one of them accidentally got trapped and needed to get out?
Weird design. The doors trigger to trap them in, and a second switch is required to start the spike ceiling.
I’d have liked more of a visual on that. Wouldn’t it be cool if you walked into a room and absentmindedly went, “Oh, stalactites” (because, as we know, I like stalactites), and then, once the switch was triggered, “Oh hit, those aren’t stalactites.” And that’s suspense. Now it’s just, “Oh look, spikes.” Because of course there are spikes.
Who leans against a giant rock sticking out of the wall?
What’s that other hole? From the last people?
