Fun with Franchises: Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (1984), Part III — “The Chuck E. Cheese of Death Cults”
We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.
Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.
We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.
We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.
Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.
Right now, we’re doing the Indiana Jones franchise, and today is the third part of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.
We begin Part III in The Journey to the Center of the Earth.
Color. That’s gonna make some of this better.
This is like that shot from the last part. I really like people walking through a crevasse.
Ugh. Peasants chanting.
I’ll tell you right now… an Oz reference is coming.
Here’s where shit gets weird.
Brown people chanting is never a good sign in Hollywood.
Where’d they get all the lighting from?
Which one is the Tin Man?
Well, it’s not him, cause when he gets the hat in the epilogue in Last Crusade, the guy says he’s got heart. That leaves her and the small Chinese boy. I withhold judgement.
I Withhold Judgment
“It’s a Thuggee ceremony.”
This is a really poorly chosen name.
“Thugee. I hate these guys.” In case you were wondering why this feels familiar.
“They’re worshipping Kali.”
Isn’t Kali not evil? Isn’t the idea of Kali being evil more of a misogynist take on the whole thing?
How messed up were Lucas and Spielberg during the production of this movie? This is some In the Company of Men shit.
And, looking it up…
George originally intended for the darker tone, much like Empire, but because he was going through a divorce at the time, and was “not in a good mood,” it turned out a little darker than he wanted. And apparently Spielberg doesn’t even like it, thinking it’s too dark and that there’s not enough of his personal feeling in it.
What’s the deal with skulls in cults? Why do people like skulls? What’s to like there?
This thing is pretty great.
Now THAT’S a fucking face.
“Have you ever seen anything like this before?”
“Nobody’s seen this for a hundred years.”
Really? Because this palace was like, right here this entire time.
But wasn’t it abandoned and now they’re back? I thought it was like, the spooky, haunted mansion that nobody lived in for decades cause some crazy shit went down there a long time ago, and now somebody new has moved in. You know, that trope. Where the new people act like nothing’s going on, but they’re actually in on whatever crazy supernatural activity is happening there.
Instead of Old Man Withers who runs the carnival, it’s old man Lal who runs THE FUCKING PROVINCE!
That’s just what I assumed when Indy mentioned the palace having been deserted. So the Thuggee have returned and are using the palace as a front after it was empty forever.
Oh, so it’s more like Welcome Back, Pan-Kotter.
How do you get a job playing percussions for groups like this? You think they take out an add in the paper, or…?
I feel like you gotta really be desperate or young to have this shit on your resume. “Man, before I hit it big, I had some crazy jobs. I was the tempo leader for an Indian death cult. I basically just kept beat so the zombies could sway in time. Pay was shit, but the monkey’s brains were all right.”
I still wish I could meet the one person out there who has the resume with playing the triangle on the Hey Arnold! theme song. That guy was on point, am I right?
I always leave dried blood on the walls of my hideouts. Adds character.
It’s really weird that no one looks up and sees them here. It’s not like they’re hidden.
Is it normal that every time I see them from this angle, I think of Statler and Waldorf from The Muppet Show? “Well, this gives a new meaning to ‘captive audience! Talk about putting the ‘cult’ back in ‘culture!'” “I hope they weren’t putting on any musical numbers, because it looks like he’s wearing the horn section on his head! Ho ho ho ho ho!”
Never understood the idea of cults.
Which, I guess, goes hand in hand with that religion thing.
I get it here. We’re talking about rural India in the 1930s. People needed something to do.
“Why’d you join that cult?”
“Ehh. Boredom, mostly.”
People chanting is always uncomfortable.
Especially when they’re peasants.
Doesn’t he look like Indian Paul Freeman?
“This isn’t where I parked my car!”
Wait, isn’t that, “I’ve heard about the Thuggee cults from my father” asshole?
Nice color distortion.
Get it? He’s evil.
Maybe just… turn around.
This giant voodoo statue thing is pretty great.
You gotta love how they cast these people. One look and you know, “Oh, they’re gonna kill this fuck.” Some people just have that “Gonna die soon” look.
Oh wow. At least they lei’ed him before he has to die.
This definitely isn’t where I parked my car.
I want no part of this sex dungeon.
Anyone else really weirded out by the term “sex dungeon?”
I prefer my dungeons unknown instead of sexual.
This is some fucked up bondage shit.
Well that’s not comforting.
A sociopath calming you down.
Do they ever explain why they’re killing this guy at this exact moment? It’s clearly just so the heroes can see it, but I’d at least like to know what he did to deserve this.
Oh, rock skull, grant me the strength to rip this motherfucker’s heart out.
Seeing armpit hair in movies weirds me out.
Yeah, not into that. Especially in period pieces — Asian period pieces — when there’ll be a random sex scene showing the girl’s sweaty pit hair. Not about it.
Look at this motherfucker glistening.
I guess they… Kali-marinated him first.
Kali ma. The words we all knew and used as children, when we wanted to rip someone’s heart out. “You took my Tonka trunk! KALI MA!”
Hopefully he doesn’t fuck this up.
That would be some real… Kali-malpractice.
Do you really need to hold him down like that?
This looks more like he’s looking at his dick.
His Kal… ma-nhood?
Oh, what a goddamn surprise. The female Indian goddess of change rips your heart out. Subtle, George. Real fucking subtle.
There’s our Tin Man.
They should put a baby elephant dick in there, just as a goof.
Okay, that’s legit magic. How is the Judeo-Christian god true in this universe when the Hindu one is true too? Are they BOTH cool? Is Shiva like Jesus’ cousin or something?
Well that’s great. You can see your heart no longer being there.
Remember how Kanye had that song, “Heartless?” Yeah.
This is accurate. You pretty much always cheer when a heart is ripped out.
Why is this so theatrical? Especially when they’re all zombies.
Look at the fucking facepaint on that guy.
Is this what the Wachowskis were doing in the 80s?
Not really sure how this dude can still be alive. Or why it’s necessary to throw him down into the fires. Wouldn’t it be more fucked up to send him back out into the world, knowing he doesn’t have a heart anymore?
That’s…pretty fucked up. Like he could be killed any time. Maybe that’d be how they kept everyone in line. And there’d be a room full of still beating hearts that you could stab. Never mind. Forget everything I just said.
I feel like if you were to eat someone’s still beating heart, it would only serve to make your still-beating heart stronger.
Calm the fuck down, lady.
This is that moment of, “Bitch, every time you open your mouth, my dick gets homesick. Now simmer down!”
Hard to starboard.
What a waste of a lei.
Where’d you guys get that, by the way?
This is a weird ride.
This is how all of my one night stands end.
I want more stuff attached to levers. I have zero levers in my life right now.
And a… vortex to Hell, apparently. Sure. Why not?
I don’t think that’s how magma works.
You think he’s got a deal with Satan? “All right… you get his soul, but I get his heart.”
You know, Mola Ram, that’s very… Big, of you.
Oh man, they got a full band. Which one is Max Rebo?
Wait a minute… that asshole on the end doesn’t have an instrument! He’s just waving his arms up and down!
Damn, he’s ashy as hell.
Look at the excitement on this motherfucker’s face.
Of course he’s excited, he’s running the lever. That was basically the PS4 of 1930s rural India.
And look at fucking Zion happening over here.
What’s that little tra-la-la feather about?
I like this effect, however they did it.
India must have loved the depictions of their people in this movie.
You guys remember cumming for the first time?
Now you cover up?
This looks awesome, by the way.
I feel like that guy would be dead before he got that far down.
Nice trick. Somehow have fire show up to cover the obvious trick photography.
Does that…not hurt?
Maybe we should start calling him Mola… Rammstein.
They must go through a crazy amount of those metal things. There’s no way that doesn’t burn through every time they lower it.
Honestly, I’ve got respect for this dude. He’s holding a flaming heart and laughing maniacally. That’s some Dick Cheney shit right there.
He should just…Let it Burn.
Where’s Willie? Did he punch her in the face and knock her out?
I want my armrests to be skulls.
This is one of those groups you join cause they’ll fucking kill you otherwise, but then if you do, you’ll still probably get fucked around and killed. Sometimes, you’re just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Damned if you don’t, damned if you do. But it’s somewhere to be.
All right, show’s over. Next one starts in 15.
Really? Is that it? Show’s over, and we just go our separate ways until the next one?
This is the Chuck E. Cheese of death cults.
They want more. Kali… mas.
That backdrop looks like the same color and weird texture that every 1990s yearbook photo had. Red or blue.
Photographer who took thousand of yearbook photos is one of those jobs that always felt to me like — if you have it, just kill yourself. It’s not the monotony aspect. I could see how delivering mail or whatever could be okay in its tedium — but taking pictures of children all day, with the same backgrounds, and all their goon faces… I’d rather be fed to the crocodiles than have to do that.
That motherfucker in the back is still smiling! Favorite character in the movie.
That guy takes pride in his job.
Who are these Baron Samedi looking motherfuckers?
Is that his dick in a handkerchief?
Though that looks like an RPG shell.
That’s a double wave.
These rocks were basically the Justin Bieber of India.
Everyone wanted them deported?
The fuck on the right is so excited. The fuck on the left could not give less of a shit. The fuck in the middle is baked out of his mind right now.
Do those things glow only when they’re near each other? So it’s not supernatural at all, is it?
Oh shit, are those glo-sticks?
Don’t walk over the trap door. That’s just stupid.
This entire movie is Indy basically doing a favor for poor people. This is the pro bono movie of the franchise world.
And actually, come to think of it… every time he finds something, he never comes away with it. So how the fuck can he afford to keep going on these missions? His school is making no money from them. Sure, last time, he got lucky and the government cut him a check. But this time? Nothing. No diamond. No stone. Just an annoying white woman. Next time, they end up with nothing. And the time after that, all he gets is a son and a wife. Which is the opposite of what you want to get out of these trips. For the amount of time he misses, and what he costs the school in salary and excursions, how does he still have a job?
Well, it’s assumed he’s on sabbatical for all of this, which — let’s assume he’s tenured. And at the end of Raiders, he got a LOT of money from the government to just shut up and walk away. So there’s that. We’ll assume that this was just a vacation that he might have been rewarded for in some way.
How much do you think they actually gave him?
It’s mid-30s. I know New Deal and all, but do they have that much money to just be throwing around like that? And what was considered a lot of money back then? It had to only be like, a couple hundred grand, right? There’s no way it’s more than six figures.
I did a calculation on the interwebs (the most accurate source of the informations), and it said that basically a hundred grand back then was between 1.5 and 2 million dollars today. So I imagine he got paid probably somewhere in there. Which is nice… if he kept it in savings and stuff. But I don’t know how fiscally responsible a man who steals from angry natives for a living is. Though, I guess he’s got that tenure money.
I’m all about that tenure money.
“That’s the rock they took from the village.”
Seriously… which one?
They look like amber. Maybe you can drill inside to extract the blood from a mosquito and clone yourself a baby dino-saw.
Maybe you can drill inside to extract the blood from a mosquito and clone yourself a better movie.
“Why they glow like that?”
There you go. “Don’t question the plot holes, kid.”
Apparently there’s a legend that says when the rocks are brought together, the diamonds inside them glow.
Why do the shitty Indy movies have some kind of glowing metal in them?
Thanks for the exposition. I was a little unsure if maybe those obviously magical stones might be linked to the magical stone we know these people to have stolen.
Sure. Ignore the fact that you just saw a beating heart ripped from a man’s chest and set on fire remotely, just because there may be diamonds present.
She’s a worse stereotype than Short Round is.
Jesus kid, shut the fuck up.
And now they’re all just dispersing. Where do they go? What do they do during non cult hours?
I would love to see these guys in the locker room after this. You know they have to take off all the makeup and put away the creepy headdresses and shit. And then go home to the wife and kids. “Yeah, it was a rough one. Had to put the glowing rock in the skull statue four times today. And fucking Vijay kept walking too fast. One of these days I’m gonna Kali ma that dickbag.”
Fucking Vijay, man…
You’re showing us the stones, but I’m looking at this as rock skull reaction shots are the key to comedy.
Is this a cigarette break or something? Are there no other people to murder?
It’s funny that all the children are doing the work, and these people are just sort of chilling around and dancing.
He’s going down there. She want the dick.
Aw, she cares. I don’t.
“You’re gonna get killed chasing after your damn fortune and glory.”
Remember how they were gonna fuck like teenagers like five minutes ago?
“Maybe. But not today.”
Yeah, what that taste like? Probably like Carrie Fisher.
I was gonna say cocaine, but… yeah.
Was that your best “want the dick” face? That wasn’t your best. I know you can do better than that.
That’s the “tastes like Carrie Fisher” face.
You get with Carrie Fisher, you pay the Fisher price.
Don’t you get suspicious when a room is suddenly empty?
I love that they keep cutting back to this thing.
Who carved this place?
I want to meet the architect who drew up the specs for the death cult lair.
You have to assume all of these people get killed.
There is no way a Bond villain has a hideout built and then leaves the person who did it alive.
Or do you think he does, and is like, “Yo, Bob, the roof is leaking again, can you come by for maintenance? I swear, what do I pay you for?”
This looks way too easy.
Gotta love how they have a giant pit right there, yet use a trap door to lower the bodies down into the flames.
But I understand. You gotta keep the peasants at bay.
Also, who was going down there to carve that pattern into the rock? I never understand this shit. It’s like in the Tolkien movies, when you see some crazy, intricate rock carving in some insane place suspended over a chasm, or at the top of a cliff. And it’s already crazy enough that they’re walking or climbing in that place, but then you think, wait…someone had a hammer and chisel at this. HOW WERE YOU HERE WITH NO HANDS FREE?
It’s a Kali Miracle!
CUE THE BEACH BOYS!
Oh, wait… wrong franchise.
Very close in year, though.
Yeah, I’m sure that’s safe.
The whip has to be one of the coolest things about him.
Said nobody, ever.
It’s amazing to me that I sometimes forget he has it, but it’s such a random thing to have. I really respect them for having come up with that as an accessory for him, even though it has nothing to do with this movie. I really like the character, so that helps.
Cool how these things just hold.
Love how ungraceful he is.
I’m picturing that carving behind him dancing, and it’s hilarious.
Watch out you two. Temple guards might come out. And you don’t have a half pendant of life on you.
Maybe just grab the shit and leave instead of looking around.
That’s like, the perfect height to stick your dick into.
Which one is it? Will the village be like, “That’s not our stone,” and then sad trombone plays, and then he looks at the camera and everyone goes, “Oh, Indy!”? “The Indiana Jones Show was taped in front of a live studio audience.”
She just mouthed the words ‘be careful.’ I’m surprised you didn’t shout them and have him almost shit his pants.
Great… now go.
I’m betting these are just 40 watt bulbs.
Greedy motherfucker. Taking all three.
See, it IS the perfect height to stick your dick into.
Tip of the hat to the fake snake. Cause this is a franchise, and they have to play to the fans, of course.
Remember when we did that like 20 minutes ago in the jungle?
Sounds like velociraptors having sex.
Don’t mind that. It’s a sex dungeon.
Also, don’t those look like the scarecrows from Planet of the Apes?
It looks like Buffalo Bill’s leftovers.
Yes, because that’s what’s making the noise. Clearly.
Dude, punch him in the face.
oh my god i made doo doo
All right, Indy it’s up to you now. I hope you studied up on how to put that monkey statue together.
They’re making orcs.
Ah… right on shedule.
Isn’t it great how the heart-ripping-out cult is just a front for child slavery?
If you’re gonna have a front, go big.
Of course it’s child slaves. This is the Nazi thing that’s going to get us on board. If it was just a weird cult, we could leave it be and get the hell out of here. But just like we can’t leave Nazis to their own devices, we can’t condone child slavery. Unless they’re making electronics.
I’m amused that they have dedicated followers and they’re still employing child slaves.
That’s not how manpower works.
Not sure. Sometimes the best way to acquire dedicated followers is to mess them up as children first.
And cigarettes 101.
Actually, a lot of things 101.
I just realized I really like this shot. Look at that. So simple.
If I had a rock, I’d bust yo head, bitch.
We were all thinking it.
Didn’t think that one through, did you?
You came to the wrong neighborhood, motherfucker.
It’s always this way, isn’t it? You turn around, and they draw weapons. Why wouldn’t you just have them all holding their dicks or something? What’s he gonna do?
What if they were all standing there with a birthday cake, and yelled “Surprise!”?
I’ve been working on the railroad…
What are they mining for? Tears?
Mola Ram really wants to get that factory tour.
(Imagine THAT version of the movie.)
I would REALLY enjoy something like that where it turned out that Augustus Gloop actually had a prison labor camp or something.
Maybe not the German kid.
Work makes fries.
I know child labor is cheap, but again, you have fucking cult members in the next room. Maybe use them, if you want shit done more efficiently. That’s the thing about cult members. They’ll do the work. See: religion.
But I get it. They do other stuff. If you have enough children, great. Efficiency isn’t the number one issue here. It’s team-building.
Hard to do trust falls when THE FLOOR IS LAVA.
I haven’t seen this movie in a while. Is Short Round gonna organize a revolt among the child laborers? Have a “Little Rascals” subplot? Some unionization shit?
Call it… Norma Rae Dawn Chong.
Putting people in cages is only cool in weird metal clubs. Otherwise, you’re asking for trouble. Better to throw them in some pit that they can’t get out of. And make sure the walls come in at the top, we’ve all seen Dark Knight Rises.
I always wondered, but when you’re shackled like this, you just have to shit yourself, right?
Even if you’re not, really.
“I keep telling you. You listen to me more, you live longer.”
Coming from a kid whose advice is to “hold onto your potato.”
“I pray to Shiva. Let me die.”
Good for you, Haji.
And now he’s here for exposition. He’ll drink the blood of Kali, and then fall into the “black sleep of the Kali Ma.”
Just like Lana Turner.
Also, blood of a deity that turns you into a mindless cult member? Wonder what other religion features something like that…
Mike’s just asking for trouble with this. But then, it is Mike. And for what it’s worth, I’ll sign up for stuff if there’s wine.
I grew up in that dumb religion. Plus, do I give a shit? No.
But to be fair, I was always down with the win wine part. But don’t give me Andre and tell me it’s Jesus.
I prefer my Jesus vintage.
“We’ll be alive, but… like a nightmare.”
It’s crazy how showcased exposition is in these movies. They literally stop the movie to give you exposition.
These kids speak surprisingly good English. Make them drink the blood of the Kali and then set them up in your call center, cause they sound ready.
Also, what a shitty office.
“You were caught, trying to steal the Sankara stones.”
Do those things just light up when you put them in certain sockets?
Also, this totally feels like the subplot of a show I’d be watching on Nickelodeon.
Being caught, trying to steal something. It feels like a kid thing.
Like the adventures of (Wa na na) Jack Bandit.
Apparently there were five of them, but then, like Dragon Balls, dispersed, and stolen by thieves.
This Indian actor is a boss. I love when Bollywood actors show up in Hollywood movies. They’re so over the top, you can’t help but to like them.
He’s petting his little hat thing.
Apparently when the temple was broken into by the British, they put the last two down here somewhere. So that’s what they’re making the kids dig for. Rocks.
They are MINING, so unless the guy hid the stones in bedrock…. Oh, so they’re mining for gems to finance shit and looking for the stones. How funny would it be if they were just left in some filing cabinet?
And yada yada yada, with all five, they become all-powerful.
Now we’re getting into some dicey territory. Wiping out all the other religions in the world? I’m not sure what a world run by these people even LOOKS like.
“What a crock of shit vivid imagination.”
Ah, the camera’s on him. Time to struggle a little bit.
He does the creepy smile thing well.
“You don’t believe me.”
Here’s another issue with this that I have. This is not a NEW thing. They’re talking about reuniting the stones, and implying that they were all together at one point in the past. So, I’m hazy on this. Did you rule the world then? In the same way that bringing the Ark of the Covenant to Tanis brought down God’s wrath on the Egyptians, wouldn’t the Nazis also get totally zapped like they basically do? I mean, these are whatever plot holes, but the idea that reuniting these stones is going to give you world domination is outrageous if they were previously scattered by some Victorian-era British regulars.
Primitives believe some crazy shit. Educated people believe crazy shit. We don’t even have to go further than, “Hey man, pass me some of that Jesus. My glass is empty.”
“You will, Dr. Jones.”
“You will become a true believer.”
I don’t know why I love this guy so much, because the movie is bad and nearly everything about it should die. I guess it’s like those Bond movies where I dislike the movie, but actually sort of enjoyed the villain.
A View to a Kill. Moonraker. Man with the Golden Gun. I’m basically just listing off most of the Roger Moore movies now.
He kills on blind dates. This is all going so well.
“You got a purdy mouth.”
Oh good, somebody shut up the Exposition Kid.
Interesting idea for a cup.
The closest I know of is when Brew Dog made their strongest, most expensive beer ever and bottled it inside bottles inside dead squirrels and stoats.
There you go. I was just about to call him out for not doing that.
They’re pouring this nasty blood out of a rotting head. Think you should spit it out? Really?
This double talking little maharajah fuck.
Okay, now this is mixing up racism. That’s voodoo. Wrong brown people, George.
Wrong Brown People, George.
Also, was he just saving that for right now?
What the fuck is with that face?
And why did he spin around with it?
Kick the kid INTO the fire. Nobody ever won a fight by kicking someone past fire.
This looks like a publicity still.
I love it when people point to make bad stuff happen.
I thought this kid was supposed to be smart. Can’t you figure out that you’re not going to accomplish anything by hitting this wall of an Indian guy?
Or by not kicking that doll down into the fiery chasm?
50 Shades of Flay?
What are you, some kind of Kali-masochist?
So, fun story. There’s a “lost” scene from this film that exists right here. Barbra Streisand comes in wearing a leather costume and starts whipping Harrison Ford. Saying, “That’s for Force Ten! That’s for Hanover Street. That’s for all the money you’re gonna make on Return of the Jedi!” And then Carrie Fisher runs in, and Ford’s like, “Who’s that?” And she goes, “Someone who loves you.” And then Irvin Kershner comes in like, “How could you fuck up that scene?” And they start arguing over the dialogue, and Kershner’s like, “Steven, how could do make him do this?” And then Barbra Streisand says, “I feel like a faggot” at the end, which gives the whole thing a nice offensive end to it.
You can watch it here: http://collider.com/temple-of-doom-lost-footage/
The safe word is “Rumpelstiltskin.”
Well that’s just excessive.
“Leave him alone, you bastard!”
The opposite of Aliens.
Look at all that candle jizz.
How do they not all die from fumes?
And what’s to stop him from spitting it out this time?
Also, if you don’t believe in that shit, why spit it out the first time? Why not drink it and be like, “That’s all you got, motherfucker?”
He’s just there for the reaction shot.
Holding his nose? Really?
You could just spit that shit out now, you know.
Nah, that’s how you get someone to swallow something. He’s already swallowed it.
This is my relationship with gin.
Ever have some really cheap tequila?
Me + tequila
You know, back when I was a werewolf…
This seems theatrical.
This is him looking into the future and seeing Crystal Skull.
Fuck you, candles!
They’re not even going to let him chase it? He’s writhing around on this table because he probably needs some Listerine.
He needs a Razzie, is what he needs.
I mean… really.
Uh oh, he put his hand in front of his face and then went into darkness. He’s evil now, guys.
“You got any more of that stuff?”
Harrison Ford knows how to laugh like a frat boy.
– – – – – – – – – – –
Tomorrow is Part IV, and Norma Rae Dawn Chong.
(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)