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Fun with Franchises: Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (1984), Part IV — “Norma Rae Dawn Chong”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.

Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.

We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.

We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.

Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.

Right now, we’re doing the Indiana Jones franchise, and today is the fourth part of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - Title Card

We begin Part IV with a GREAT FUCKING SHOT.

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Don’t need the bats, but whatever. This is awesome.

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This guy’s job is to walk up and down this track, whipping children all day.

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Colin:

Yes, menace the Chinese child. I hate to break it to you, kid, but if you go back to China, things are going to be very similar in about…14 years.

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If he had a rock…

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Is there only one guy watching all these kids?

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Two shows a day. Man… that’s a real actor’s life.

Colin:

This drummer really is the organist from Eyes Wide Shut. He probably has impeccable credentials, went to some fancy conservatory and did the whole Whiplash thing to come home and find that his hometown had been overrun by cultists in need of someone to hit their dumbass drums with goat femurs.

Wouldn’t it be amazing if we had J.K. Simmons edited into other random movies with drummers so he could yell at them too? Like this guy? Or the oar tempo drummer in Ben-Hur? “You sorry sack of shit, the captain said ‘ramming speed.’ Are you slow or are you fast? You think that’s ‘ramming speed?’ I will not have you sabotaging my trireme, you fuck!” 

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“Kali Ma protects us.”

Fucking really?

Colin:

Is that a Machamp statue behind him? It never occurred to me that Machamp is basically a bodybuilding Indian deity. With underwear. 

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“We are her children. We pledge our devotion to her.”

Colin:

Things are always more impressive without guardrails.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1225

How do you know the chant all of a sudden? Why not just say it in Hindu like the rest of them? Since you magically know all the stuff out of nowhere.

Colin:

What, drinking the blood didn’t teach you their language? You speak all the other languages. Oh, and look – it’s the prime minister guy who was all upset earlier. Couldn’t they just have spiked his drink earlier with some of the Kali blood?

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“With an offering of flesh.”

Another offering? Kali’s gonna get fat. That shit’s gonna go straight to her thighs.

Honestly, though, I’ve gotten rid of women this way. “Oh, sorry, babe, I can’t call you anymore because I’m part of a cult.”

Colin:

You know, I was in Shibuya the other day to meet some people, and in the place where cult members are usually standing with megaphones, trying to get you to join their clubs, there was a group with megaphones loudly protesting cults who stalk potential members. I was tempted to tell them that I support their position, but they were vaguely cultish, so I kept walking.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1227

“And blood.”

Why are you still talking? We fucking get it. You’re part of the cult now. Have fun tithing and hating on gays and watching Fox News and quoting scripture for everything.

Colin:

He looks like John Turturro in this shot. He even has the purple Jesus outfit.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1228

Just run over and push the asshole into the pit. I know these movies steer toward the fantastic, but drinking fucking blood and somehow going into a zombie state? If that shit was even remotely legitimate, he deserved to be crucified.

Colin:

This is that moment where you notice each other across the party and know that he’ll be the one to steal your heart.

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Colin:

Blondes always make the best sacrifices.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1230

She finally got her diamonds.

Colin:

Is this still like…3am? Cause they investigated shit at 10:30 (I remember that they weren’t watching SVU in their rooms, which was weird) and got caught shortly thereafter. And now it’s like…still the middle of the night? Which means the events of this film take place over the course of ONE NIGHT in the palace? I guess I never thought about that, considering that the other movies probably take like 8 months when you factor in all the traveling.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1231

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“Your friend has seen. And she has heard. Now she will not talk.”

Fucking FINALLY. Would be my response.

But, that’s a prime minister, FYI.

What is it about white people and cults?

Colin:

White people have enough to want things that don’t make sense.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1233

These guys look hilarious with the face paint.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1234

Yeah, love’s not gonna break you out of this one. Maybe if she shouts loud enough she’ll reach a pitch where only his deep-rooted sarcastic instincts will take over and snap him out of it.

Colin:

Rip her heart out. Rip it out. End this and let’s go home.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1235

“I’m not gonna have anything nice to say about this place when I get back.”

Shouldn’t the tourism board be rappelling down like Tiger Tanaka’s ninjas right now? I’m pretty sure that’s what they do when you say you don’t like a place. They come and offer you amenities and shit.

I was also gonna say she didn’t get laid before she died, but…

Colin:

This is the perfect moment for her to say, “Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there!” And the poor asshole probably materializes over the pit.

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“Indy! For god sakes, help me!”

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1237

Reaction shots are the key to comedy.

Honestly, I’d just wait it out. Wait for her to die, and then go kill bitches.

Colin:

He’s gotta be a creep for all of this so we get nervous. Only I’m not. Kill her. Also, that’s my face when the Chipotle person tells you guac is extra. Yes. We know. My burrito.

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I like this creepy ass shot. Good on him for repeating it.

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I was gonna say she’s famous, but India is really the only country that has a completely different system of celebrity than the rest of the world.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1240

Rip out the implants.

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See? She knows.

“Bye, bitch.”

That’s what the glance down and glance up is.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1242

Oh, this guy again.

In two movies, he’ll be an alien.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1243

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This is good casting.

Colin:

Get a load of those molars…ram.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1245

Oh, man. You missed your opportunity, “Bye, bitch,” then BAM, rip the fucking heart out.

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Are we miming now?

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Why would you take your hero out of the movie like this? Bizarre storytelling choice.

Also, really, asshole? With the fucking dot?

Ford also has a giant V on his forehead. He must be at his first midnight Rocky Horror showing.

Colin:

God do I hate those people. I know there are a lot of people who do that, and my request to all of you is: please keep it to yourselves.

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He’s just walking around?

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Why is he taking the long way around?

Colin:

Titty silhouette! 

Does that count as back boob or side boob?

Back… and to the left.

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This staging is ridiculous. I can only assume this is to draw out the shock of, “Oh my god! Snap out of it, Indy!”

Colin:

The little head on the top of this guy’s hat looks like Matt Walsh waking up to a hangover.

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I guess this only works on children. Because the rest of us should be watching and going, “We know he’s gonna be fine. So just fucking do it already, so we can see something interesting.”

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“Indiana… Indiana… help us.”

First… us? You’ve only ever thought about yourself this entire movie. Second, he blinks and shit here. So are we to believe the blood shit hasn’t fully taken hold? If so, why the fuck has it affected him at all? I’m completely confused as to what the deal is with this bullshit right now.

Colin:

It’s just PCP. You’re in there, but you’re really only a passenger.

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What does it say that he’d rather be in a death cult than with her?

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Colin:

Has nobody addressed how his hairpiece here is basically a taller, more-horned version of Mel Gibson’s hair from Mad Max: Beyond the Thunderdome? That’s probably where the Mad Max people got the inspiration.

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Completely unnecessary yet awesome evil track in.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1259

Weird how no one’s paying attention to this.

By the way, even if you get that done, you’re still chained to a fucking rock.

Colin:

Wait, what? Wasn’t he cutting through the chains? How’d he get the shackles off?

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Look at that dress. Someone’s about to get Kali… married.

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“You’re not one of them. Please come back to us.”

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Still a great time to say, “Nope!” and rip her heart out of her chest.

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He glances at the camera a lot in this movie.

Or… reaction shots are the key to comedy.

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All right. Not gonna question how he managed that so quickly with those weak ass swings.

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Red and yellow.

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Red.

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Yellow.

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Colin:

Nice yellow. The smoke, not the kid.

Little of column A, little of column B.

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Aww… he’s snapping out of it!

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Nope! *click*

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“Holy shit, it worked!”

Colin:

I just imagined Mola Rom giving his credit card at the Plaza Hotel.

That was the intention.

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Oh, so now you chant in Hindi. Way to play with logic for the sake of exposition, Steven.

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Okay, so spit on him.

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Why do they not rip her heart out?

Also, I hope he licks it.

Colin:

What is this human need to look at the spit? Why do people always look at the spit? Don’t you wipe it off and slap her?

It’s like after a shit. “I wanna look at the damage.”

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1277

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How do none of the slave drivers notice this?

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1279

There it is. Norma Rae Dawn Chong.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1280

That one kid on the bottom knows how to get a good view.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1281

Why is he going up this ladder?

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1282

Why are these kids just hanging all over this cave?

Do they have curfews?

Colin:

Why didn’t these guys just go to Loompaland and get some orange servants like everyone else? Are cultists afraid of Snozzwanglers? That’d be sad.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1283

Yes, follow the child up the ladder.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1284

That face.

Colin:

Thanks for the help, you jerk. 

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There’s been a significant lack of knives in teeth in my life.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1286

Now push the ladder.

Isn’t that how this works?

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1287

He’s got them Peter Falk eyes.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1288

There’s a classic shot.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1289

There we go.

“I’m a little Asian kid, and welcome to Jackass!”

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1290

I actually really love this shot.

Because, one — “Ohhhhhh SHIIIIITTTT!!!!!”

And two — it’s always better seeing people’s reactions than the actual event.

And three — I’m thinking what it would be like if they recreated the Ocean’s Eleven shot with child slaves.

Colin:

How about how none of the kids are looking in the right place? Some of them are probably thinking about other things, like how many of these extra jobs they’ll need to do before their parents will buy them an Atari.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1291

I like when directors get expressive with the lighting. There is no reason for that cave to glow yellow, and no reason for that cave to glow red. That implies that all the magma is above them, which is dangerous as fuck.

Colin:

Nah, we’ve also seen plenty of red lights — lanterns with red glass. The yellow is an exposed bulb, but the bright reds down here are actual lights.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1292

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1293

Oh look, a rope.

I could use one of those right now.

Not for this… for when Willie comes marching home.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1294

Look at that one kid with the long hair. What are you doing here, Rufio?

You know what the worst thing about Rufio was? He could never have a cocktail named after him.

Colin:

The kid who’s second from the left in the third row back wants that purple stuff.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1295

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1296

“Yeah, motherfuckers!”

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1297

She doesn’t look like she’d be into that kind of stuff.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1298

Is that a cult rule? You’re not allowed to wear a shirt?

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1299

Really like this overhead.

Specifically that little lava fall on the right,. That’s dangerous as fuck.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1300

This face.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1301

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1302

Not this face.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1303

Nice use of green in the back.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1304

This should remind him why this is happening.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1305

What ever happened to gathering for public executions?

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1306

They’re just busting nuts all over the place.

Colin:

Feels like a waste, honestly. Why’d they put all those nice clothes and jewels and stuff on her? Aren’t you digging for gems? Why throw them back into the lava?

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1307

The more you scream, the more we want you dead.

Colin:

Smushed titties.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1308

That’s what my toilet looks like.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1309

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1310

“Ladies and gentlemen… I give you Morpheus.”

Colin:

What is this, a meat parade? You don’t know what a meat parade is? ME NEITHER, cause I don’t know why these people are cheering.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1311

Just fucking die already.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1312

“Wake up, Dr. Jones!”

The guy following him looks like the person assigned to watch him so he doesn’t fuck up the ceremony.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1313

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1314

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1315

Wow, you just slapped a Chinese kid across the face.

Colin:

Backhanded, though. Which is discipline.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1316

You Kali Monster!

Also, is it wrong that I find Asian children crying hilarious?

Colin:

They’re usually not. Not in Asia anyway. They’re just like any other crying child, just more local. Japanese kids are also way quicker to cry. I think it’s partially because they don’t finish elementary school until they’re 12, which means young childhood gets extended. I’ve seen 10 year old boys start whining with tears, and it doesn’t make me laugh like most crying children do.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1317

I love his enjoyment from slapping him in the face.

This face is pretty amazing.

Colin:

There is an argument to be made that he’s at his happiest in the franchise during these moments. 

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1318

I like a kid who knows to beat his problems.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1319

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1320

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1321

Colin:

Oh, the part where she’s almost killed. My favorite part.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1322

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1323

“Indy, I love you.”

Colin:

Haha. Some time for a love confession, kid. It would never work.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1324

HOLY SHIT WHY HAVE I NEVER NOTICED HOW GOOD HARRISON FORD’S FACIAL EXPRESSIONS ARE IN THESE MOVIES

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1325

Colin:

burn the indians so my country can be free

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1326

If that works, then that whole thing is an even bigger crock of shit.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1327

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1328

I’d be fine if he snapped out of it and she died.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1329

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1330

The dumbest shit snaps people out of it.

Colin:

This red is reminding me of The Hunt for Red October. So many awesome shots in that movie of people’s faces with colored light. Stellan Skarsgard had the blue, but the Red October was obviously red.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1331

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1332

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1333

“Wait! He is mine.”

That worked? Really?

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1334

Why are you listening to him? He’s newly converted.

Also, if he didn’t snap out of it, what then? Do they just keep him here forever? Won’t his school come looking for him?

Colin:

This is the 1930s. The school wouldn’t go looking for him if he didn’t come back from the BAR.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1335

This face.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1336

“I’m all right, kid.”

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1337

Does no one see this?

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1338

I’d be more afraid of that wink too.

Colin:

He’s okay now. So there’s gonna be a fight.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1339

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1340

That kid knows karate.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1341

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1342

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1343

So that’s fucked up. All he wanted was a diamond and now he’s scarred for life.

Colin:

This might have sealed it, though. His power, his pleasure, his pain.

There were a lot of Roses, kid.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1344

This show just got good.

Medieval Times.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1345

What are they cheering for? They’re not cult members, they just like a fight?

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1346

Kill the bitch.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1347

Colin:

She’s RIGHT above the lava. Am I the only one who knows how lava works? Lucas clearly never learned, considering Revenge of the Sith. It’s crazy stupid hot, and we saw it spitting 20 ft flames just a minute ago. Now she’s right on top of it but she’s not on fire. Actually, I’m sorry. Tolkien and Peter Jackson were even worse with their understanding of lava.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1348

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1349

Red is a good hue for fight scenes.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1350

She’s already dead right there.

Also, not sure how that can be swirling like that. But it looks cool, so whatever. I’d rather buy into this pit than the voodoo bullshit.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1351

Back body drop.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1352

Into the fire!

Sucks to be you.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1353

Start taunting. This is basically professional wrestling.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1354

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1355

Oh, this’ll end well.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1356

Love the piece of wood they put there so the stunt would work.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1357

Oh man, that was the happy guy.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1358

Start posing and shit. Why not? Win the crowd.

Colin:

He will show them something they have never seen before.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1359

USA! USA! USA!

Hacksaw Indiana Jones.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1360

Look at that glistening.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1361

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1362

Peasants are down for anything.

Colin:

Why are they still happy about this? Is this them getting excited cause now he’ll be sacrificed too when they finally subdue him?

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1363

This is your cliche cut away to the kid mimicking the moves.

Mostly I’m looking at the silhouette.

Because where is that light coming from?

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1364

Blood.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1365

You’re still there?

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1366

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1367

Bye bye!

Colin:

He looks like he’s about to be eaten by a jaguar shark.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1368

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1369

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1370

Yeah, trap door. That’s some Baron Samedi shit.

Colin:

Holy fuck yes, I love this guy. More trapdoors. Yes.

My house needs to have trapdoors in it.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1371

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1372

This is that moment they show off that the star got in shape for the role. Like in American Sniper, where we randomly watch Bradley Cooper dead lift for like, ninety seconds.

Colin:

You know he finished that movie and started playing The Elephant Man on Broadway? How does THAT work?

A lot like Bell’s Palsy.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1373

This actually is what my toilet looks like, though.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1374

Why is she passed out, exactly?

The fumes?

Or is it like a child? Eventually they just scream themselves out.

Colin:

In my experience, it’s usually fumes with kids too. I actually almost passed out at Easter Vigil Mass while I was visiting my cousins. Went with them to church, and everyone was standing for hours with those little petroleum-based candles with lead wicks. My aunt made me sit down before I threw up on Jesus. Or whomever.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1375

Shank bait.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1376

I like the hue.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1377

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1378

Oh, it’s the white dude. Who cares?

Technically he’s not white. But he’s a really light skinned Indian.

This is also exactly what happened to Caesar.

Colin:

He’s from Oxford. His knife is ceremonial. It’s like Alec Guinness in Lawrence of Arabia. He shouldn’t even be here. They should be dragging him off later as he yells something about meddling kids and that dog of theirs.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1379

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1380

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1381

Haven’t used a knife much, have you?

Colin:

This guy went to Oxford? Really?

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She looks possessed.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1383

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1384

The universe is telling us that she should die.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1385

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1386

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1387

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1388

This guys is an elected official.

Colin:

We are talking about rural India in 1935. That might be a misstatement, frankly.

The British elected to appoint him to the position.

There’s at least some truth to it.

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How are you gonna serve the province… if you’re DEAD?!

Maybe Mola Ram can take over.

Mola Rahm Emmanuel.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1390

Look at that stalac-dick.

Colin:

You know how you sometimes go on Wikipedia and then come back an hour later? That just happened to me.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1391

Colin:

Must suck that all those Indians can’t get over to him. Couldn’t they make a human bridge or something?

I don’t think they’re interested in helping. I think they just want to see the fight.

Besides, Ma Kali protects them.

(Too bad she’s not played by Jane Darwell.)

Colin:

Hold up, that would be GREAT. Probably like, Ox-Bow Incident Jane Darwell, right?

I’d be down for Mary Poppins Jane Darwell, if need be.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1392

I wanna kill a guy via death wheel.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1393

It’s about time, asshole. Fucking help the guy.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1394

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1395

Colin:

“What? No, this red-hot metal doesn’t hurt my hands. Metal doesn’t get hot until it TOUCHES the lava.”

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How’d you know how to work it?

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Colin:

Again. That metal should be hot.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1400

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1401

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1402

Colin:

That was not the sound she made hitting him.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1403

“Willie, it’s me, I’m back!”

You were gone? Fuck you.

But also, if he just freed you, why would you hit him? Isn’t it clear this isn’t the guy that let you almost plummet to your death like, three minutes ago?

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1404

Colin:

“Oh Indy.” All of the Oscars.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1405

Does he consider them his parents?

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1406

Yes, let us steal the precious rocks.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1407

Is that Indy’s shirt? They still had that?

Why’d you wrap it up in a bindle?

Colin:

God, do we love the word ‘bindle.’

That should be a player’s nickname. I can’t believe it isn’t.

I want to talk about the hall of fame career of Bindle Rodriguez.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1408

How do you know what stone is their stone?

Colin:

We can figure that out later. Just be ready if 5-0 shows up and you need to “make the rocks disappear.”

Man, that guy was a true patriot.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1409

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1410

Colin:

They have each other’s hats. Symbolism!

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1411

This is what it’s like when you’re drunk in front of your kid and suddenly want to give them some advice.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1412

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1413

“I’m sorry kid.”

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1414

“Now let’s get out of here.”

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1415

“Right. All of us.”

Colin:

“No, fuck all the brown people! Just you and me!”

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1416

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1417

Nice shot.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1418

Heigh ho, heigh ho.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1419

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1420

Is this where he leaves him to get fucked up by all the kids?

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1421

So the key to overcome child slavery is to just give the kids self-esteem.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1422

This is actually Norma Rae Dawn Chong.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1423

Fuck you, rocks!

Colin:

You’d think they’d have done this by now. No guns, no nothing?

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1424

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1425

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1426

Tits.

Colin:

Titties.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1427

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1428

How do they know where the way out is?

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1429

Colin:

You never want to be swamped with throngs of needy children. This is begging for a sad song.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1430

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1431

Boss fight time.

Colin:

This guard comes out with his dick swinging. In case you didn’t notice (with the beard, I can see why you wouldn’t), that this is the same guy who played the huge German in Raiders. Return of the boss fight.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1432

Red, blue, yellow.

Nice use of planes and colors.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1433

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1434

Honestly, the color is the only thing I’m interested in.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1435

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1436

Sure, toss the hammer.

I mean, yeah, fight like men and all, but, way to toss the hammer like an asshole.

Colin:

How many of these fights have we had in movies? It’s always a fight like this where there’s someone way too big and the good guy has to struggle for a while. I’m thinking The Transporter 2. Which — I had never seen those movies, and it came up one day in college when I was in Mike’s room, and we ended up watching all three that day just because.

It isn’t like we had class to go to or anything.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1437

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1438

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1439

Apparently that gag was the one Spielberg thought would lighten the mood.

Colin:

They don’t even notice this other guy crumple, possibly to his death, right next to them?

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1440

DROP KICK!

Colin:

That’s a fucking kick. Goddamn.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1441

Ugh, child slaves running through the palace.

This is how you get (more) ants.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1442

Just like the Death Eaters.

Also, way to fucking trash a nice place for no reason. Ungrateful little shits.

Colin:

I love that they run through the palace and just fuck up everything. Fuck this table, fuck these weird back pillows, I’m going to play Atari!

Love the backdrop out the window.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1443

More color.

And the hat looks nice.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1444

“I need to save him!”

“He can take care of himself.”

“He needs me.”

Colin:

You think you can save him from this Indian Hercules if you can’t even get free from a pussy ass white lady?

They could be on the Pirates set right now.

Also, really? You just leave Indy to fight on his own?

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1445

Faces.

Colin:

This is the grown-man-baby-ate-a-lemon face.

This is the ‘my tongue is swelling up and you just shivved me with an epi pen’ face.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1446

This is what happens when you tell untrained child actors, “Pretend like the sun is too bright for you.”

Colin:

Run, children! Run from this movie!

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1447

“Haaaay.”

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1448

Or, as I like to call it… Finding Neverland Ranch.

Also, that girl in the back is clearly a producer’s kid. Just having fun.

Colin:

Wait, are the ones with shirts girls? Is that what that is? I didn’t see girls anywhere else. I just assumed, from this movie, that all Indian children were male.

They didn’t want to show you the female child slaves. Because that might have made things too dark.

But now it’s even darker, because you wonder where they were keeping them the whole time. And what they were doing to them.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1449

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1450

Seriously, the colors.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1451

“Okay… save him.”

Really? “He’s fine, you’re a little Asian child. Oh… he’s getting his ass kicked. All right, see what you can do.” I guess it’s not the worst comedic moment. But also not great.

Colin:

It’s called find something pointy and put it somewhere squishy.

And that, kids, is how you do the sex.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1452

Kneecap him. That’s the only way.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1453

You did not kneecap him.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1454

This little asshole?

Is what he’s thinking right now.

Colin:

He doesn’t get beaten up by conventional weapons. You can’t just beat this guy. You need a propeller or something.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1455

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1456

That’s fun. You think he’s gonna take it away from him, but instead he just fucking lifts him up off the ground and says, “Fuck you.”

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1457

That’s a broken something.

Colin:

Children are bouncy. You can just throw most children around.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1458

Look at the little point.

“My exit is that way.”

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1459

Kick to the face!

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1460

Yeah, get in. That’s smart.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1461

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1462

Apparently he drank that bullshit too.

Colin:

That’s a stupid number of jewels to have on unless we’re at the R&B Awards.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1463

You’re fighting in a cart!

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1464

So he’s a maharajah. Which means he’s got some sort of rule over this place. Either figurehead rule or legitimate rule. And the prime minister is there to shepherd the place until he comes of age. He’s your Sabu character. And the prime minister is doing some secret shit. And then he does whatever the fuck he does with him. Right?

There’s no real point to be made here. I just want to make sure that’s what’s going on here, right?

I guess my question is — what happens once this is over? Does the kid make the place better? They need a new prime minister, obviously. What happens, exactly? We know the village is cool, but this entire province has no leadership now.

Colin:

Who keeps a dagger in their hat? I will never understand some people. But yeah, I wonder if it was all about the blood. Like, the kid drank the blood. Did the prime minister? Can they just burn both of them and put them back to work?

Can They Just Burn Both of Them and Put Them Back to Work?

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1465

Colin:

The little whip is a nice touch.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1466

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1467

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1468

Oh shut up.

Whatever you’re saying.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1469

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1470

This is more like the serial adventure movie.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1471

How’d they get one of these set up down here? That’s pretty advanced.

Colin:

A pulverizer. That’s an interesting enough device.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1472

How do they know the stones are in this place? And why would two of them be here if they were scattered? This seems weird.

Also, if you dig away enough rock, won’t the ceiling cave in?

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1473

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1474

Maybe don’t stare at it and just jump off.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1475

For someone in a black sleep of Kali, or whatever it is, you sure do take a lot of joy out of someone’s suffering.

Schadenfreude knows no limits, I guess.

I prefer my schadenfreude like I prefer my Texas Hold ‘Em.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1476

Nice cult members you guys are. Just standing around.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1477

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1478

Nice shot. You can see all the staging.

All… both of them.

Colin:

It’s pretty great how for the 70s and 80s, a lot of fake sets were randomly smoky or steamy to make them look less fake. Imagine this set with none of the smoke or steam.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1479

Colin:

More voodoo shit. I really don’t buy this. I’m pretty checked out of this movie. Why is this happening?

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1480

Where’s Short Round? Why are none of these guys doing anything? Where’s Mola Ram? This is structured exactly like the last film. This is the truck chase. The airplane fight portion. Take your antagonist out of it. Have him fight the henchman, defeat the henchman, then a thrilling chase that takes you all around in a vehicle, and then you have your showdown where a supernatural object comes in to save the day.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1481

Oh, well at least one of my questions is answered.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1482

Where’s all this water going? Powering the pulverizer? Can he ride up in one of those buckets? That would be cool.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1483

Faces.

Colin:

If there are bones in your necklace, you need to abdicate. 

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1484

Pull him down, woman!

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1485

Or give him that.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1486

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1487

Colin:

All the China leitmotif. Which wasn’t the riff I thought it would be.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1488

This kid only seems to use the doll when Indy is winning.

Also, does that wall say “Brooks was Here” in Hindi?

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1489

He’s got genie pants and pointed shoes.

Also, why is she throwing rocks at him?

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1490

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1491

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1492

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1493

At some point, you have to be able to power through a stab, right?

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1494

YEAH! CLIMB THE WATER FERRIS WHEEL!

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1495

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1496

You guys remember Attack of the Clones?

Colin:

Another shitty set that got some coverup with smoke and steam.

That wasn’t even a set.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1497

Colin:

How many cuts between the kid and him about to get crushed are they gonna do? Four. Looks like four. This is gratuitous, and not in a good way. Seriously, this is the guy who did Lincoln? Actually, there are better movies I could have chosen, but you get what I mean.

He’s talking about The Terminal.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1498

This is a great face made greater by framing.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1499

This kid is really focused on stabbing this doll.

But anyway, here comes Short Round.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1500

His head should be burnt as shit.

And who knit that leather jacket for the doll?

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1501

Yeah, you’re dead.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1502

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1503

And they made a little whip too!

Colin:

The head is GROSS, though. 

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1504

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1505

Elbow!

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1506

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1507

Yoink!

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1508

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1509

Yuh huh.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1510

He never… saw that coming.

Colin:

See how he had his head in the crusher and is now like 5 feet away?

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1511

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1512

Why throw the punches NOW?

Colin:

Seriously? Seriously? She’s doing the air punches? And then the multiple planes of them punching TOGETHER? C’mon.

She’s missing a shoe.

For fuck’s sake, Willie, get your shit together.

Colin:

Nah, she’s got both sandals on, if you look closely. Not that this revelation changes the sentiment. Get your shit together, Willie.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1513

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1514

Faces.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1515

Kid fight!

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1516

What if he kills him? This kid technically owns all of this.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1517

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1518

ROCK TO THE FACE!

This might be one of the few times where somebody had a rock and did bust their head, bitch.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1519

They’re really drawing out the pulverizing.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1520

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1521

Goddamn. That’s more than a concussion.

Colin:

Okay, that was a sizable rock to the head. These fights are comical. You hit me with that rock, I’m down. In fact, you come near me with that rock and intent to hit me with it, and I’ll just lie down to save you the trouble.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1522

Colin:

This is why I don’t wear scarves. Oh, and I never thought they looked good. But you should always limit the number of garments you have that can be sucked into things.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1523

He never saw Venice.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1524

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1525

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1526

The rope is a nice touch.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1527

Not realistic in the slightest. But a nice touch.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1528

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1529

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1530

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1531

Not as cool as the blood on the swastika, but still nice.

Colin:

Blood spatters are always better on swastikas. 

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1532

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1533

This looks like Ken Jeong getting clawed.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1534

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1535

GPOY

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1536

Fire is a cure-all.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1537

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1538

Colin:

If fire is enough to save you from this trance, I think their long term plans are probably doomed. People have contact with fire now and again.

People Have Contact With Fire Now and Again

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1539

This is what the aftermath of PCP looks like.

Down to the blood.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1540

Damn, someone hasn’t missed arm day.

You look like fucking Popeye in this shot.

It also looks like his upper half is separated from his lower half.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1541

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1542

That henchman was a fucking idiot.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1543

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1544

I like makeshift wooden rafters and hanging lights.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1545

Though all this is doing is making me think of how shitty they use the lights in Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1546

GET TO THE CHOPPER!

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1547

He actually says, “Quit playing around with that kid!”

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1548

“Nah, he’s cool. Me and him, we tight now.”

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1549

He’s still playing around with that kid.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1550

And naturally he knows the way out. Because of fucking course he does. It’s not like he’s been kept from this his whole life or anything.

Colin:

This kid is seriously okay with having been put under a spell and then beaten up? I’d be asking questions. He’s just helping them get the fuck out.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1551

“Thank you.”

Maybe the kid will send Short Round a bunch of Christmas presents, like when Macaulay Culkin helped save Eddie Bracken’s toy store.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1552

What if he ran like Jack Sparrow?

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1553

I LOVE when henchmen come out of places like that.

What he should do is spin move and use some sparkle. But not enough to do the hat throw. It’s a waste of magic.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1554

Oh, they have guns.

And… power lines.

This looks like a film set. So fucking dangerous.

Colin:

This looks like Fraggle Rock. Seriously, tell me this whole place is not what Fraggle Rock would look like with more Indian people.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1555

Colin:

Oh, so NOW they have guns. Fucking goon squad just showed up. Where’s Chris Walken with an automatic weapon when you need him?

Can we talk about how that movie had a drive-by blimp kidnapping?

I feel like we don’t talk about that enough.

Colin:

That is pretty unforgivable. If you get drive-by blimp kidnapped, there’s not a whole lot anyone can do for you even if you are rescued.

That’s the thing about 80s movie heroines. Either they were Willie Scott, or they were the tough-nosed working girl, trying to make it in the man’s world, with the power suit and the shoulder pads.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1556

Rape.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1557

Driver’s license photo.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1558

Yeah, scream before you run at a guy.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1559

That might make him thrust harder.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1560

Should be shot, and should not be so much dust there.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1561

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1562

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1563

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1564

This is comical.

Do you seriously not have enough guys to trap him somewhere?

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1565

Somehow not hit once.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1566

Guess the cart is the only way out.

Where’s Mola Ram, by the way?

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1567

BARREL ROLL! Kind of.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1568

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1569

Colin:

This kid is handling an insane number of bad guys, which doesn’t make ANY sense. All of a sudden, he’s a kung fu master after just beating his fists on the guard a few minutes ago.

You say “beating his fists on the guard” and all I imagine is:

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1570

That’s how useless she is. She’s being outdone by a kid.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1571

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1572

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1573

Now try and tell me Short Round is worse than she is. Fucking try.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1574

This is also the payoff to him mimicking his every move.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1575

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1576

Yup. I rest my case.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1577

Oh, so you are still in this movie.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1578

Why are you running things? You’re basically the Baron Samedi of it all. The prime minister was the one really getting shit done.

Colin:

What’s up with Jerome? Where’s your face paint, Jerome? 

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1579

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1580

That’s an awful face.

Colin:

Does that not make her look like Jennifer Grey? Who was probably in this as an extra at some point, cause it was made in the 80s.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1581

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1582

Not quite.

Colin:

Wait, I thought for a second the cart said “SWAG” on it.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1583

And now he’s gonna run up him to get inside.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1584

Yup.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1585

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1586

Two down, one to go.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1587

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1588

Nice splash.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1589

“Hurry!”

Colin:

How is he supposed to ‘hurry?’ He’s at the mercy of gravity at this point. Just like Sandra.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1590

Why are they all in a row like that?

This IS Moonwalker!

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1591

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1592

Amazing how that whip just holds, and how it detaches like nothing.

Colin:

It’s a rope. He’s got the whip with him.

The questions still stand about the whip.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1593

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1594

Yeah right.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1595

This is where shit gets thrilling. First 20 minutes, last 20 minutes.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow is Part V, and what is essentially a theme park ride.

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

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