Fun with Franchises: Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (1984), Part IV — “Norma Rae Dawn Chong”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.

Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.

We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.

We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.

Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.

Right now, we’re doing the Indiana Jones franchise, and today is the fourth part of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.

We begin Part IV with a GREAT FUCKING SHOT.

Don’t need the bats, but whatever. This is awesome.

This guy’s job is to walk up and down this track, whipping children all day.

Colin:

Yes, menace the Chinese child. I hate to break it to you, kid, but if you go back to China, things are going to be very similar in about…14 years.

If he had a rock…

Is there only one guy watching all these kids?

Two shows a day. Man… that’s a real actor’s life.

Colin:

This drummer really is the organist from Eyes Wide Shut. He probably has impeccable credentials, went to some fancy conservatory and did the whole Whiplash thing to come home and find that his hometown had been overrun by cultists in need of someone to hit their dumbass drums with goat femurs.

Wouldn’t it be amazing if we had J.K. Simmons edited into other random movies with drummers so he could yell at them too? Like this guy? Or the oar tempo drummer in Ben-Hur? “You sorry sack of shit, the captain said ‘ramming speed.’ Are you slow or are you fast? You think that’s ‘ramming speed?’ I will not have you sabotaging my trireme, you fuck!”

“Kali Ma protects us.”

Fucking really?

Colin:

Is that a Machamp statue behind him? It never occurred to me that Machamp is basically a bodybuilding Indian deity. With underwear.

“We are her children. We pledge our devotion to her.”

Colin:

Things are always more impressive without guardrails.

How do you know the chant all of a sudden? Why not just say it in Hindu like the rest of them? Since you magically know all the stuff out of nowhere.

Colin:

What, drinking the blood didn’t teach you their language? You speak all the other languages. Oh, and look – it’s the prime minister guy who was all upset earlier. Couldn’t they just have spiked his drink earlier with some of the Kali blood?

“With an offering of flesh.”

Another offering? Kali’s gonna get fat. That shit’s gonna go straight to her thighs.

Honestly, though, I’ve gotten rid of women this way. “Oh, sorry, babe, I can’t call you anymore because I’m part of a cult.”

Colin:

You know, I was in Shibuya the other day to meet some people, and in the place where cult members are usually standing with megaphones, trying to get you to join their clubs, there was a group with megaphones loudly protesting cults who stalk potential members. I was tempted to tell them that I support their position, but they were vaguely cultish, so I kept walking.

“And blood.”

Why are you still talking? We fucking get it. You’re part of the cult now. Have fun tithing and hating on gays and watching Fox News and quoting scripture for everything.

Colin:

He looks like John Turturro in this shot. He even has the purple Jesus outfit.

Just run over and push the asshole into the pit. I know these movies steer toward the fantastic, but drinking fucking blood and somehow going into a zombie state? If that shit was even remotely legitimate, he deserved to be crucified.

Colin:

This is that moment where you notice each other across the party and know that he’ll be the one to steal your heart.

Colin:

Blondes always make the best sacrifices.

She finally got her diamonds.

Colin:

Is this still like…3am? Cause they investigated shit at 10:30 (I remember that they weren’t watching SVU in their rooms, which was weird) and got caught shortly thereafter. And now it’s like…still the middle of the night? Which means the events of this film take place over the course of ONE NIGHT in the palace? I guess I never thought about that, considering that the other movies probably take like 8 months when you factor in all the traveling.

“Your friend has seen. And she has heard. Now she will not talk.”

Fucking FINALLY. Would be my response.

But, that’s a prime minister, FYI.

What is it about white people and cults?

Colin:

White people have enough to want things that don’t make sense.

These guys look hilarious with the face paint.

Yeah, love’s not gonna break you out of this one. Maybe if she shouts loud enough she’ll reach a pitch where only his deep-rooted sarcastic instincts will take over and snap him out of it.

Colin:

Rip her heart out. Rip it out. End this and let’s go home.

“I’m not gonna have anything nice to say about this place when I get back.”

Shouldn’t the tourism board be rappelling down like Tiger Tanaka’s ninjas right now? I’m pretty sure that’s what they do when you say you don’t like a place. They come and offer you amenities and shit.

I was also gonna say she didn’t get laid before she died, but…

Colin:

This is the perfect moment for her to say, “Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there!” And the poor asshole probably materializes over the pit.

“Indy! For god sakes, help me!”

Reaction shots are the key to comedy.

Honestly, I’d just wait it out. Wait for her to die, and then go kill bitches.

Colin:

He’s gotta be a creep for all of this so we get nervous. Only I’m not. Kill her. Also, that’s my face when the Chipotle person tells you guac is extra. Yes. We know. My burrito.

I like this creepy ass shot. Good on him for repeating it.

I was gonna say she’s famous, but India is really the only country that has a completely different system of celebrity than the rest of the world.

Rip out the implants.

See? She knows.

“Bye, bitch.”

That’s what the glance down and glance up is.

Oh, this guy again.

In two movies, he’ll be an alien.

This is good casting.

Colin:

Get a load of those molars…ram.

Oh, man. You missed your opportunity, “Bye, bitch,” then BAM, rip the fucking heart out.

Are we miming now?

Why would you take your hero out of the movie like this? Bizarre storytelling choice.

Also, really, asshole? With the fucking dot?

Ford also has a giant V on his forehead. He must be at his first midnight Rocky Horror showing.

Colin:

God do I hate those people. I know there are a lot of people who do that, and my request to all of you is: please keep it to yourselves.

He’s just walking around?

Why is he taking the long way around?

Colin:

Titty silhouette!

Does that count as back boob or side boob?

Back… and to the left.

This staging is ridiculous. I can only assume this is to draw out the shock of, “Oh my god! Snap out of it, Indy!”

Colin:

The little head on the top of this guy’s hat looks like Matt Walsh waking up to a hangover.

I guess this only works on children. Because the rest of us should be watching and going, “We know he’s gonna be fine. So just fucking do it already, so we can see something interesting.”

“Indiana… Indiana… help us.”

First… us? You’ve only ever thought about yourself this entire movie. Second, he blinks and shit here. So are we to believe the blood shit hasn’t fully taken hold? If so, why the fuck has it affected him at all? I’m completely confused as to what the deal is with this bullshit right now.

Colin:

It’s just PCP. You’re in there, but you’re really only a passenger.

What does it say that he’d rather be in a death cult than with her?

Colin:

Has nobody addressed how his hairpiece here is basically a taller, more-horned version of Mel Gibson’s hair from Mad Max: Beyond the Thunderdome? That’s probably where the Mad Max people got the inspiration.

Completely unnecessary yet awesome evil track in.

Weird how no one’s paying attention to this.

By the way, even if you get that done, you’re still chained to a fucking rock.

Colin:

Wait, what? Wasn’t he cutting through the chains? How’d he get the shackles off?

Look at that dress. Someone’s about to get Kali… married.

“You’re not one of them. Please come back to us.”

Still a great time to say, “Nope!” and rip her heart out of her chest.

He glances at the camera a lot in this movie.

Or… reaction shots are the key to comedy.

All right. Not gonna question how he managed that so quickly with those weak ass swings.

Red and yellow.

Red.

Yellow.

Colin:

Nice yellow. The smoke, not the kid.

Little of column A, little of column B.

Aww… he’s snapping out of it!

Nope! *click*

“Holy shit, it worked!”

Colin:

I just imagined Mola Rom giving his credit card at the Plaza Hotel.

That was the intention.

Oh, so now you chant in Hindi. Way to play with logic for the sake of exposition, Steven.

Okay, so spit on him.

Why do they not rip her heart out?

Also, I hope he licks it.

Colin:

What is this human need to look at the spit? Why do people always look at the spit? Don’t you wipe it off and slap her?

It’s like after a shit. “I wanna look at the damage.”

How do none of the slave drivers notice this?

There it is. Norma Rae Dawn Chong.

That one kid on the bottom knows how to get a good view.

Why is he going up this ladder?

Why are these kids just hanging all over this cave?

Do they have curfews?

Colin:

Why didn’t these guys just go to Loompaland and get some orange servants like everyone else? Are cultists afraid of Snozzwanglers? That’d be sad.

Yes, follow the child up the ladder.

That face.

Colin:

Thanks for the help, you jerk.

There’s been a significant lack of knives in teeth in my life.

Now push the ladder.

Isn’t that how this works?

He’s got them Peter Falk eyes.

There’s a classic shot.

There we go.

“I’m a little Asian kid, and welcome to Jackass!”

I actually really love this shot.

Because, one — “Ohhhhhh SHIIIIITTTT!!!!!”

And two — it’s always better seeing people’s reactions than the actual event.

And three — I’m thinking what it would be like if they recreated the Ocean’s Eleven shot with child slaves.

Colin:

How about how none of the kids are looking in the right place? Some of them are probably thinking about other things, like how many of these extra jobs they’ll need to do before their parents will buy them an Atari.

I like when directors get expressive with the lighting. There is no reason for that cave to glow yellow, and no reason for that cave to glow red. That implies that all the magma is above them, which is dangerous as fuck.

Colin:

Nah, we’ve also seen plenty of red lights — lanterns with red glass. The yellow is an exposed bulb, but the bright reds down here are actual lights.

Oh look, a rope.

I could use one of those right now.

Not for this… for when Willie comes marching home.

Look at that one kid with the long hair. What are you doing here, Rufio?

You know what the worst thing about Rufio was? He could never have a cocktail named after him.

Colin:

The kid who’s second from the left in the third row back wants that purple stuff.

“Yeah, motherfuckers!”

She doesn’t look like she’d be into that kind of stuff.

Is that a cult rule? You’re not allowed to wear a shirt?

Really like this overhead.

Specifically that little lava fall on the right,. That’s dangerous as fuck.

This face.

Not this face.

Nice use of green in the back.

This should remind him why this is happening.

What ever happened to gathering for public executions?

They’re just busting nuts all over the place.

Colin:

Feels like a waste, honestly. Why’d they put all those nice clothes and jewels and stuff on her? Aren’t you digging for gems? Why throw them back into the lava?

The more you scream, the more we want you dead.

Colin:

Smushed titties.

That’s what my toilet looks like.

“Ladies and gentlemen… I give you Morpheus.”

Colin:

What is this, a meat parade? You don’t know what a meat parade is? ME NEITHER, cause I don’t know why these people are cheering.

Just fucking die already.

“Wake up, Dr. Jones!”

The guy following him looks like the person assigned to watch him so he doesn’t fuck up the ceremony.

Wow, you just slapped a Chinese kid across the face.

Colin:

Backhanded, though. Which is discipline.

You Kali Monster!

Also, is it wrong that I find Asian children crying hilarious?

Colin:

They’re usually not. Not in Asia anyway. They’re just like any other crying child, just more local. Japanese kids are also way quicker to cry. I think it’s partially because they don’t finish elementary school until they’re 12, which means young childhood gets extended. I’ve seen 10 year old boys start whining with tears, and it doesn’t make me laugh like most crying children do.

I love his enjoyment from slapping him in the face.

This face is pretty amazing.

Colin:

There is an argument to be made that he’s at his happiest in the franchise during these moments.

I like a kid who knows to beat his problems.

Colin:

Oh, the part where she’s almost killed. My favorite part.

“Indy, I love you.”

Colin:

Haha. Some time for a love confession, kid. It would never work.

HOLY SHIT WHY HAVE I NEVER NOTICED HOW GOOD HARRISON FORD’S FACIAL EXPRESSIONS ARE IN THESE MOVIES

Colin:

burn the indians so my country can be free

If that works, then that whole thing is an even bigger crock of shit.

I’d be fine if he snapped out of it and she died.

The dumbest shit snaps people out of it.

Colin:

This red is reminding me of The Hunt for Red October. So many awesome shots in that movie of people’s faces with colored light. Stellan Skarsgard had the blue, but the Red October was obviously red.

“Wait! He is mine.”

That worked? Really?

Why are you listening to him? He’s newly converted.

Also, if he didn’t snap out of it, what then? Do they just keep him here forever? Won’t his school come looking for him?

Colin:

This is the 1930s. The school wouldn’t go looking for him if he didn’t come back from the BAR.

This face.

“I’m all right, kid.”

Does no one see this?

I’d be more afraid of that wink too.

Colin:

He’s okay now. So there’s gonna be a fight.

That kid knows karate.

So that’s fucked up. All he wanted was a diamond and now he’s scarred for life.

Colin:

This might have sealed it, though. His power, his pleasure, his pain.

There were a lot of Roses, kid.

This show just got good.

Medieval Times.

What are they cheering for? They’re not cult members, they just like a fight?

Kill the bitch.

Colin:

She’s RIGHT above the lava. Am I the only one who knows how lava works? Lucas clearly never learned, considering Revenge of the Sith. It’s crazy stupid hot, and we saw it spitting 20 ft flames just a minute ago. Now she’s right on top of it but she’s not on fire. Actually, I’m sorry. Tolkien and Peter Jackson were even worse with their understanding of lava.

Red is a good hue for fight scenes.

She’s already dead right there.

Also, not sure how that can be swirling like that. But it looks cool, so whatever. I’d rather buy into this pit than the voodoo bullshit.

Back body drop.

Into the fire!

Sucks to be you.

Start taunting. This is basically professional wrestling.

Oh, this’ll end well.

Love the piece of wood they put there so the stunt would work.

Oh man, that was the happy guy.

Start posing and shit. Why not? Win the crowd.

Colin:

He will show them something they have never seen before.

USA! USA! USA!

Hacksaw Indiana Jones.

Look at that glistening.

Peasants are down for anything.

Colin:

Why are they still happy about this? Is this them getting excited cause now he’ll be sacrificed too when they finally subdue him?

This is your cliche cut away to the kid mimicking the moves.

Mostly I’m looking at the silhouette.

Because where is that light coming from?

Blood.

You’re still there?

Bye bye!

Colin:

He looks like he’s about to be eaten by a jaguar shark.

Yeah, trap door. That’s some Baron Samedi shit.

Colin:

Holy fuck yes, I love this guy. More trapdoors. Yes.

My house needs to have trapdoors in it.

This is that moment they show off that the star got in shape for the role. Like in American Sniper, where we randomly watch Bradley Cooper dead lift for like, ninety seconds.

Colin:

You know he finished that movie and started playing The Elephant Man on Broadway? How does THAT work?

A lot like Bell’s Palsy.

This actually is what my toilet looks like, though.

Why is she passed out, exactly?

The fumes?

Or is it like a child? Eventually they just scream themselves out.

Colin:

In my experience, it’s usually fumes with kids too. I actually almost passed out at Easter Vigil Mass while I was visiting my cousins. Went with them to church, and everyone was standing for hours with those little petroleum-based candles with lead wicks. My aunt made me sit down before I threw up on Jesus. Or whomever.

Shank bait.

I like the hue.

Oh, it’s the white dude. Who cares?

Technically he’s not white. But he’s a really light skinned Indian.

This is also exactly what happened to Caesar.

Colin:

He’s from Oxford. His knife is ceremonial. It’s like Alec Guinness in Lawrence of Arabia. He shouldn’t even be here. They should be dragging him off later as he yells something about meddling kids and that dog of theirs.

Haven’t used a knife much, have you?

Colin:

This guy went to Oxford? Really?

She looks possessed.

The universe is telling us that she should die.

This guys is an elected official.

Colin:

We are talking about rural India in 1935. That might be a misstatement, frankly.

The British elected to appoint him to the position.

There’s at least some truth to it.

How are you gonna serve the province… if you’re DEAD?!

Maybe Mola Ram can take over.

Mola Rahm Emmanuel.

Look at that stalac-dick.

Colin:

You know how you sometimes go on Wikipedia and then come back an hour later? That just happened to me.

Colin:

Must suck that all those Indians can’t get over to him. Couldn’t they make a human bridge or something?

I don’t think they’re interested in helping. I think they just want to see the fight.

Besides, Ma Kali protects them.

(Too bad she’s not played by Jane Darwell.)

Colin:

Hold up, that would be GREAT. Probably like, Ox-Bow Incident Jane Darwell, right?

I’d be down for Mary Poppins Jane Darwell, if need be.

I wanna kill a guy via death wheel.

It’s about time, asshole. Fucking help the guy.

Colin:

“What? No, this red-hot metal doesn’t hurt my hands. Metal doesn’t get hot until it TOUCHES the lava.”

How’d you know how to work it?

Colin:

Again. That metal should be hot.

Colin:

That was not the sound she made hitting him.

“Willie, it’s me, I’m back!”

You were gone? Fuck you.

But also, if he just freed you, why would you hit him? Isn’t it clear this isn’t the guy that let you almost plummet to your death like, three minutes ago?

Colin:

“Oh Indy.” All of the Oscars.

Does he consider them his parents?

Yes, let us steal the precious rocks.

Is that Indy’s shirt? They still had that?

Why’d you wrap it up in a bindle?

Colin:

God, do we love the word ‘bindle.’

That should be a player’s nickname. I can’t believe it isn’t.

I want to talk about the hall of fame career of Bindle Rodriguez.

How do you know what stone is their stone?

Colin:

We can figure that out later. Just be ready if 5-0 shows up and you need to “make the rocks disappear.”

Man, that guy was a true patriot.

Colin:

They have each other’s hats. Symbolism!

This is what it’s like when you’re drunk in front of your kid and suddenly want to give them some advice.

“I’m sorry kid.”

“Now let’s get out of here.”

“Right. All of us.”

Colin:

“No, fuck all the brown people! Just you and me!”

Nice shot.

Heigh ho, heigh ho.

Is this where he leaves him to get fucked up by all the kids?

So the key to overcome child slavery is to just give the kids self-esteem.

This is actually Norma Rae Dawn Chong.

Fuck you, rocks!

Colin:

You’d think they’d have done this by now. No guns, no nothing?

Tits.

Colin:

Titties.

How do they know where the way out is?

Colin:

You never want to be swamped with throngs of needy children. This is begging for a sad song.

Boss fight time.

Colin:

This guard comes out with his dick swinging. In case you didn’t notice (with the beard, I can see why you wouldn’t), that this is the same guy who played the huge German in Raiders. Return of the boss fight.

Red, blue, yellow.

Nice use of planes and colors.

Honestly, the color is the only thing I’m interested in.

Sure, toss the hammer.

I mean, yeah, fight like men and all, but, way to toss the hammer like an asshole.

Colin:

How many of these fights have we had in movies? It’s always a fight like this where there’s someone way too big and the good guy has to struggle for a while. I’m thinking The Transporter 2. Which — I had never seen those movies, and it came up one day in college when I was in Mike’s room, and we ended up watching all three that day just because.

It isn’t like we had class to go to or anything.

Apparently that gag was the one Spielberg thought would lighten the mood.

Colin:

They don’t even notice this other guy crumple, possibly to his death, right next to them?

DROP KICK!

Colin:

That’s a fucking kick. Goddamn.

Ugh, child slaves running through the palace.

This is how you get (more) ants.

Just like the Death Eaters.

Also, way to fucking trash a nice place for no reason. Ungrateful little shits.

Colin:

I love that they run through the palace and just fuck up everything. Fuck this table, fuck these weird back pillows, I’m going to play Atari!

Love the backdrop out the window.

More color.

And the hat looks nice.

“I need to save him!”

“He can take care of himself.”

“He needs me.”

Colin:

You think you can save him from this Indian Hercules if you can’t even get free from a pussy ass white lady?

They could be on the Pirates set right now.

Also, really? You just leave Indy to fight on his own?

Faces.

Colin:

This is the grown-man-baby-ate-a-lemon face.

This is the ‘my tongue is swelling up and you just shivved me with an epi pen’ face.

This is what happens when you tell untrained child actors, “Pretend like the sun is too bright for you.”

Colin:

Run, children! Run from this movie!

“Haaaay.”

Or, as I like to call it… Finding Neverland Ranch.

Also, that girl in the back is clearly a producer’s kid. Just having fun.

Colin:

Wait, are the ones with shirts girls? Is that what that is? I didn’t see girls anywhere else. I just assumed, from this movie, that all Indian children were male.

They didn’t want to show you the female child slaves. Because that might have made things too dark.

But now it’s even darker, because you wonder where they were keeping them the whole time. And what they were doing to them.

Seriously, the colors.

“Okay… save him.”

Really? “He’s fine, you’re a little Asian child. Oh… he’s getting his ass kicked. All right, see what you can do.” I guess it’s not the worst comedic moment. But also not great.

Colin:

It’s called find something pointy and put it somewhere squishy.

And that, kids, is how you do the sex.

Kneecap him. That’s the only way.

You did not kneecap him.

This little asshole?

Is what he’s thinking right now.

Colin:

He doesn’t get beaten up by conventional weapons. You can’t just beat this guy. You need a propeller or something.

That’s fun. You think he’s gonna take it away from him, but instead he just fucking lifts him up off the ground and says, “Fuck you.”

That’s a broken something.

Colin:

Children are bouncy. You can just throw most children around.

Look at the little point.

“My exit is that way.”

Kick to the face!

Yeah, get in. That’s smart.

Apparently he drank that bullshit too.

Colin:

That’s a stupid number of jewels to have on unless we’re at the R&B Awards.

You’re fighting in a cart!

So he’s a maharajah. Which means he’s got some sort of rule over this place. Either figurehead rule or legitimate rule. And the prime minister is there to shepherd the place until he comes of age. He’s your Sabu character. And the prime minister is doing some secret shit. And then he does whatever the fuck he does with him. Right?

There’s no real point to be made here. I just want to make sure that’s what’s going on here, right?

I guess my question is — what happens once this is over? Does the kid make the place better? They need a new prime minister, obviously. What happens, exactly? We know the village is cool, but this entire province has no leadership now.

Colin:

Who keeps a dagger in their hat? I will never understand some people. But yeah, I wonder if it was all about the blood. Like, the kid drank the blood. Did the prime minister? Can they just burn both of them and put them back to work?

Can They Just Burn Both of Them and Put Them Back to Work?

Colin:

The little whip is a nice touch.

Oh shut up.

Whatever you’re saying.

This is more like the serial adventure movie.

How’d they get one of these set up down here? That’s pretty advanced.

Colin:

A pulverizer. That’s an interesting enough device.

How do they know the stones are in this place? And why would two of them be here if they were scattered? This seems weird.

Also, if you dig away enough rock, won’t the ceiling cave in?

Maybe don’t stare at it and just jump off.

For someone in a black sleep of Kali, or whatever it is, you sure do take a lot of joy out of someone’s suffering.

Schadenfreude knows no limits, I guess.

I prefer my schadenfreude like I prefer my Texas Hold ‘Em.

Nice cult members you guys are. Just standing around.

Nice shot. You can see all the staging.

All… both of them.

Colin:

It’s pretty great how for the 70s and 80s, a lot of fake sets were randomly smoky or steamy to make them look less fake. Imagine this set with none of the smoke or steam.

Colin:

More voodoo shit. I really don’t buy this. I’m pretty checked out of this movie. Why is this happening?

Where’s Short Round? Why are none of these guys doing anything? Where’s Mola Ram? This is structured exactly like the last film. This is the truck chase. The airplane fight portion. Take your antagonist out of it. Have him fight the henchman, defeat the henchman, then a thrilling chase that takes you all around in a vehicle, and then you have your showdown where a supernatural object comes in to save the day.

Oh, well at least one of my questions is answered.

Where’s all this water going? Powering the pulverizer? Can he ride up in one of those buckets? That would be cool.

Faces.

Colin:

If there are bones in your necklace, you need to abdicate.

Pull him down, woman!

Or give him that.

Colin:

All the China leitmotif. Which wasn’t the riff I thought it would be.

This kid only seems to use the doll when Indy is winning.

Also, does that wall say “Brooks was Here” in Hindi?

He’s got genie pants and pointed shoes.

Also, why is she throwing rocks at him?

At some point, you have to be able to power through a stab, right?

YEAH! CLIMB THE WATER FERRIS WHEEL!

You guys remember Attack of the Clones?

Colin:

Another shitty set that got some coverup with smoke and steam.

That wasn’t even a set.

Colin:

How many cuts between the kid and him about to get crushed are they gonna do? Four. Looks like four. This is gratuitous, and not in a good way. Seriously, this is the guy who did Lincoln? Actually, there are better movies I could have chosen, but you get what I mean.

He’s talking about The Terminal.

This is a great face made greater by framing.

This kid is really focused on stabbing this doll.

But anyway, here comes Short Round.

His head should be burnt as shit.

And who knit that leather jacket for the doll?

Yeah, you’re dead.

And they made a little whip too!

Colin:

The head is GROSS, though.

Elbow!

Yoink!

Yuh huh.

He never… saw that coming.

Colin:

See how he had his head in the crusher and is now like 5 feet away?

Why throw the punches NOW?

Colin:

Seriously? Seriously? She’s doing the air punches? And then the multiple planes of them punching TOGETHER? C’mon.

She’s missing a shoe.

For fuck’s sake, Willie, get your shit together.

Colin:

Nah, she’s got both sandals on, if you look closely. Not that this revelation changes the sentiment. Get your shit together, Willie.

Faces.

Kid fight!

What if he kills him? This kid technically owns all of this.

ROCK TO THE FACE!

This might be one of the few times where somebody had a rock and did bust their head, bitch.

They’re really drawing out the pulverizing.

Goddamn. That’s more than a concussion.

Colin:

Okay, that was a sizable rock to the head. These fights are comical. You hit me with that rock, I’m down. In fact, you come near me with that rock and intent to hit me with it, and I’ll just lie down to save you the trouble.

Colin:

This is why I don’t wear scarves. Oh, and I never thought they looked good. But you should always limit the number of garments you have that can be sucked into things.

He never saw Venice.

The rope is a nice touch.

Not realistic in the slightest. But a nice touch.

Not as cool as the blood on the swastika, but still nice.

Colin:

Blood spatters are always better on swastikas.

This looks like Ken Jeong getting clawed.

GPOY

Fire is a cure-all.

Colin:

If fire is enough to save you from this trance, I think their long term plans are probably doomed. People have contact with fire now and again.

People Have Contact With Fire Now and Again

This is what the aftermath of PCP looks like.

Down to the blood.

Damn, someone hasn’t missed arm day.

You look like fucking Popeye in this shot.

It also looks like his upper half is separated from his lower half.

That henchman was a fucking idiot.

I like makeshift wooden rafters and hanging lights.

Though all this is doing is making me think of how shitty they use the lights in Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

GET TO THE CHOPPER!

He actually says, “Quit playing around with that kid!”

“Nah, he’s cool. Me and him, we tight now.”

He’s still playing around with that kid.

And naturally he knows the way out. Because of fucking course he does. It’s not like he’s been kept from this his whole life or anything.

Colin:

This kid is seriously okay with having been put under a spell and then beaten up? I’d be asking questions. He’s just helping them get the fuck out.

“Thank you.”

Maybe the kid will send Short Round a bunch of Christmas presents, like when Macaulay Culkin helped save Eddie Bracken’s toy store.

What if he ran like Jack Sparrow?

I LOVE when henchmen come out of places like that.

What he should do is spin move and use some sparkle. But not enough to do the hat throw. It’s a waste of magic.

Oh, they have guns.

And… power lines.

This looks like a film set. So fucking dangerous.

Colin:

This looks like Fraggle Rock. Seriously, tell me this whole place is not what Fraggle Rock would look like with more Indian people.

Colin:

Oh, so NOW they have guns. Fucking goon squad just showed up. Where’s Chris Walken with an automatic weapon when you need him?

Can we talk about how that movie had a drive-by blimp kidnapping?

I feel like we don’t talk about that enough.

Colin:

That is pretty unforgivable. If you get drive-by blimp kidnapped, there’s not a whole lot anyone can do for you even if you are rescued.

That’s the thing about 80s movie heroines. Either they were Willie Scott, or they were the tough-nosed working girl, trying to make it in the man’s world, with the power suit and the shoulder pads.

Rape.

Driver’s license photo.

Yeah, scream before you run at a guy.

That might make him thrust harder.

Should be shot, and should not be so much dust there.

This is comical.

Do you seriously not have enough guys to trap him somewhere?

Somehow not hit once.

Guess the cart is the only way out.

Where’s Mola Ram, by the way?

BARREL ROLL! Kind of.

Colin:

This kid is handling an insane number of bad guys, which doesn’t make ANY sense. All of a sudden, he’s a kung fu master after just beating his fists on the guard a few minutes ago.

You say “beating his fists on the guard” and all I imagine is: