Fun with Franchises: Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (1984), Part V — “Ah… Colonialism or: I Do Love This Indian Guy”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.

Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.

We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.

We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.

Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.

Right now, we’re doing the Indiana Jones franchise, and today is the fifth and final part of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - Title Card

We begin Part V during a cart chase.

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Colin:

Mine cart scene. The best thing they could possibly do here is to just play this:

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That’s not the left tunnel.

(Also, love how they’re color coded warm and cool.)

Colin:

Oh of COURSE you go in the red tunnel instead of the nice bright one.

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How DARE he get into one of my carts!

Colin:

I’m still fascinated by how evil organizations determine their wardrobe choices. Is there a cultist fashion designer?

There must be a whole level of cult-friendly workers. I’m still wondering about the contractor who built this place.

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You, motherfuckers, after him!

Even though it’s a giant track. Just… go to the end.

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That guy in the back is so fucking ready for his turn.

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If you’re gonna chase someone, you gotta put on the light. Because otherwise… fuck if you’re gonna find them on that SINGLE TRACK.

Colin:

There was one roller coaster I went on (I feel like it was at Six Flags in New Jersey, or somewhere like that) that was inside a giant building in the dark. That shit was scary.

That wasn’t Six Flags, that was a kidnapping.

I understand how you could have confused them, though.

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I’ll say it now — this is gonna be terrible for things to say, but when you watch it, it’s actually fun as hell.

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This is a theme park ride.

Colin:

That’s the sad part. They made a theme park ride for the movie. Pirates made a movie for the theme park ride. And I think that turned out pretty well.

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How can you not have fun during this sequence?

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“We got company.”

Colin:

Is it rear projection? Also, that’s a Han Solo line.

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What’s with that face?

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I imagine the second unit on this must have been so boring.

They set up a shot of that cart going in and out of frame. And that took like an hour to set up.

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“Let go of the brake.”

Was he holding the brake the whole time? Are you supposed to be doing that?

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Red and yellow again.

The previous film had the color palate of blue and gold, for the most part. And I guess beige. And this one is more red and yellow and brown.

The next one doesn’t really have a color to it. And the fourth one is barely coherent as a film and color doesn’t even exist anymore.

Colin:

The fourth one is more about red, just in a more abstract way.

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Colin:

I swear, that’s the Jennifer Grey hair.

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They’re having a shoot out from carts.

I mean… sure.

Might have been better if there weren’t already a shoot out from vehicles in this movie.

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Great thing to do when you’re being shot at. Because why would you duck down under the METAL THAT CAN STOP BULLETS.

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Cool shot. Because of the coloring.

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This looks fake. But in real time, it’s thrilling.

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Remember when they had guns?

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You guys remember The General?

Colin:

What a great movie that was. There should be more movies with train hi-jinks. Only I’d rather that the Confederacy got beaten in all of them. You might ask, do I really need to take that from them too? Yes. Yes I do.

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Weird that there happened to be a piece of wood in there for just such an occasion. And no one thought to toss it out before when there was barely enough room for three people in there.

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Great shot. This is what makes you excited, because you can see it built, you can see it as a ride, and also because you can see all the lighting that went into making it look like lava down there.

Colin:

This looks like the best Lionel train set-up ever. I had a Lionel train set, and I was always confused about why everyone wanted to make theirs some green British countryside. Make that shit look like the Desert of the Real.

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Straight out of The General.

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As thrilling as this is, I’d actually rather be watching The General right now.

Colin:

Next project for Michael Keaton?

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Why do you even need to focus on them? Just focus on getting out of there alive.

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That amounted to bupkis.

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Water tower.

Man, this is making me think of how good The General is.

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Faces.

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He’s always operating best when he’s in the middle of intense danger.

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Yes. He’s that way. Good job.

Colin:

I say this around my office constantly, and nobody knows the quote, and it only serves to confirm what I’ve said.

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Love the spark.

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Oh good, more than one.

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I love how they always cut in to their faces as they’re about to die.

Colin:

He has rather straight teeth for a cultist, don’t you think? Do cultists get dental plans?

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It’s only water.

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This is a weird chase, logistically.

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Lot of rocks. Like the unfinished nature of this tunnel.

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That’s gonna hurt.

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Cheering? Really?

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A HA HA this shot is hilarious to me.

The way they’re just tipping over like that.

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More sparks.

Colin:

That’s like a Power Rangers level of sparking.

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Why are guns only a thing now?

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REAR PROJECTION!

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Yeah, bring it down!

Colin:

Look at the size of this tank, and recognize that it’s basically big enough to fill a large backyard pool. And that amount of water is still coursing through the tunnel at high pressure for like 5 miles and apparently not getting vaporized by all the exposed lava. Why couldn’t there just have been a dam that they busted to fuck them up? I could understand a RIVER fucking them up, Isengard style.

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Because why not, right? Your shit is found out, so bring down the water tank.

Might flush the stones out and have them be lost forever, but fuck it, right?

Small, poor, and badly governed.

Colin:

It’s awful how many places in the film [and real] world can be described that way. You usually just have to change the small to large to make it fit other countries.

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This track is barely finished, but it has switches?

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You’re calling it a shortcut, but how the fuck do you know?

Colin:

Why is this in English twice? Do we expect the people this would apply to to be speaking English? How about just the skull and crossbones or something?

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Some shortcut.

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Did that switch back on its own?

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This is a nice wrinkle to the scene, though.

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These Phantom Ride shots are the best.

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If they hopped out now, they’d probably get away.

Or… ducked down. Away from the bullets.

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Take his gun and beat him with it.

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YES!

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How do you let a man take a gun from you?

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Is he gonna use it to row?

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No, he’s gonna beat him with it!

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That’s a fucking swing.

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All… right.

Is he a bargaining chip? Why are you taking him?

Colin:

Gotta start rebuilding your child slave inventory somewhere.

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That face.

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Nice.

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Something’s gonna give there.

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You’re holding his pants and not him?

Colin:

Chinese pants, very strong!

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Have we established why they grabbed him? As a hostage?

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This is kind of what divorce is like for a child.

Colin:

Hah. Hah. I went through that but there was way less lava and I was way less Asian.

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How were these tracks built over lava? Seems like a bad place to build a cart track.

Colin:

This was probably one of those contracts that went to Indian Halliburton.

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You’re doing so much to help, Willie. So much.

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Good thing they got him inside before those rocks.

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Oh, is this gonna be like The General, where they end up in front now?

Colin:

This is such a model train set! Shit running on two levels at the same time!

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I guess not. GODDAMN THAT’S A TALLY HO

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For once that face is accurate. Why the fuck would you jump between tracks in moving carts OVER LAVA?

Colin:

Cults.

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Good on him, though. He made it.

He deserves to win, after that.

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Fine, let him stab her.

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LOOK AT HER FACE

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His hat should be on fire.

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This is like The General.

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Of course it has to get set on fire.

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Come on. Stop trying to hit me and hit me!

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Wow. He did.

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Or not.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1719

He looks like Richard Gere screaming, “I GOT NO PLACE ELSE TO GO!!!!”

Colin:

You can so clearly see the mat technology they used here. It looks like the early Hoth renders, where you can see the cutout on the miniatures so clearly.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1720

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Tripped over their own pimp!

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This is one of the more amusing shots in cinema — a vehicle falling off the edge of a cliff in the background.

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Sucks for anyone trying to work here in the future.

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LOOK AT HIS FACES THIS IS INCREDIBLE

Colin:

“Did that just happen? I mean, get a load of these guys, am I right?”

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1725

Oh, so the second they lose the guys, there’s a gap in the track.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1726

Maybe hit the brake.

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SPEED!

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This is death.

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No. Fucking. Way. Not if you had thirty tries.

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Oh look, they got it down.

Weird how no one’s around when it floods, though.

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Oh my god, this face.

This is a Christopher Lloyd face.

Colin:

If by that you mean that he’s a fucking crazy person who takes joy in conflict even it it means a setback for his own operation, then yes.

And also, he looks like Brown Christopher Lloyd.

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This kid has done all the driving in this movie.

Even the slave driving.

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I really want to watch The General right now.

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That’s a broken brake.

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Maybe just hop out. It looks like dirt.

Colin:

The tracks look like masking tape at this point, too. 

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Or do this.

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We’re just repeating the truck chase now.

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Yeah, that seems like the smartest thing to do.

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Uncomfortably 80s.

Uncompromising, too, but also uncomfortable.

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I now realize that this entire movie could have taken place over Spring Break.

“How was your break, Professor?”

“It was Kali Magnificent.”

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Yeah, you lose part of your foot doing that.

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HOP OUT RIGHT NOW THERE’S GROUND THERE

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That’s a mix of both happiness and extreme pain. You come up smiling and then pull up your foot that came off.

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“Water!”

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“Water!!”

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Why do they look so excited for the water?

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1770

Colin:

Okay, so he stops the thing with the soles of his shoes, which…yeah. No. And then the water shows up, which is pretty impossible. Remember how they just went through a bunch of tunnels full of lava and stuff? How did it not fill up all of those and just steam off? Anyway.

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Colin:

You’re not outrunning that.

Not unless you’re John Cusack and have a limo.

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Surprisingly simple shot.

Maybe I’m just excited to see daylight.

I think those two king statues are just up the stream.

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Who builds an exit here? Are the bridge guys not due til next month?

How do you string a bridge all the way across a river, a hundred stories up?

Colin:

I think this is probably where they’re dumping shit. It’s just all through the mountain, and this is where their trash goes.

Not the giant fire pit in the middle of the place, naturally.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1776

I love that they’re cut out from the rest of the shot.

Colin:

Remember how all she’s had to eat in like three days is a little bit of fruit?

True, but this entire like, last hour plus of the movie happens in like, a day. Think about it — they get to Pankot, right? Dinner, argument, assassination attempt or sex, then they’re in the tunnel, almost killed, find the ceremony, he gets captured, and then escapes. So really, this is all a day. They get out of this place and it’s daylight again. So between dinner and now, 12 hours. So it’s not that crazy.

Colin:

Yeah, that is weird. It’s like 8am right now.

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You guys remember cumming for the first time?

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Colin:

How? How did you outrun water that now has the force to bust through solid rock?

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It’s also conveniently busting through that rock wall.

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I’m still amazed they kept your shirt after you went cult.

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You can climb down this thing relatively easy. I mean, sure, up is the way to go, but… there are ridges.

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Colin:

There just wasn’t this much water in that tank. Sorry, but there wasn’t.

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I really want to know how they built these bridges.

I’d watch at least twenty minutes of people doing that.

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Framing.

Disney framing, at that.

Colin:

Oh, cause I was thinking more, The Great Panda Adventure

Unscrupulous Poacher is such a great nickname.

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Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1788

“Strong wood!”

I’ll bet.

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He got cocky.

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Colin:

This is like that guy who fell 23 floors to his death because he was demonstrating the strength of a plate glass window to some people by leaning on it.

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Ah, crocodiles. The staple to serials.

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What I love about this is how they’re clearly in some croc farm in Florida that they intercut. Which is exactly what a 30s movie would do.

But, kind of like Live and Let Die… you know those fucking things pose no threat to anyone.

Colin:

I dunno. I sorta doubt that. I’m not taking my chances with the world’s deadliest predator.

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Those crocs look like leeches.

Can they see that high?

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“That very funny.”

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Look familiar?

Colin:

The one on the left has Jeffrey Tambor eyes.

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Reaction shots are the key to comedy.

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Nope!

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Colin:

Callback to Raiders, cause he’s supposed to have the gun. Even though this is technically a prequel to Raiders and he shouldn’t set up the visible gag the way he does. Oh well, clearly this movie is more about fun and less about logic.

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I always wonder how the person with the sword loses to the person who is just punching.

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You guys are shitty henchmen.

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The whip is mightier than the sword.

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Wow. This face.

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The payoff to the fist to the face shot earlier.

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We’ve seen this at least three times before this. One of them was also Ford.

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Colin:

And now they’re recreating the Star Wars moment when Han chases the single stormtrooper down the hall and comes back being chased by a drillion of them. These guys work with very simple devices.

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This is the proper way to tell the kids to get off your lawn.

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You guys remember Dead Man’s Chest?

Colin:

Cannibullshit?

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I like that they have a ladder to get to the bridge. That’s cool.

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Jesus Christ!

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Surprise, motherfucker.

Colin:

How in the fuck did HE get over there?

The plot.

Colin:

They’ve been sprinting this whole time! He was ALL the way back in the mine when they were getting to the exit! How the fuck? Oh never mind.

We’ve already seen him go through a trap door. This is one of those things you just go with.

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Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1831

However they lit this, it looks amazing.

Colin:

You’d expect them to do this in different lighting, wouldn’t you? Like, it would more likely be done now at a different time of day.

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Y’all are surrounded.

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“Let her go, Mola Ram!”

Colin:

His name was “Mola Ram?”

It’s funny. They never gave his name before this.

So how does he know it?

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“You are in a position unsuitable to give orders.”

Colin:

I’m so glad Spielberg said he disliked this movie. I like him. I don’t love this movie. Everyone has their mistakes.

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Oh yeah…

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This is more like the Bridge on the River… Not Kwait.

Colin:

This one’s a y’all are surrounded shot AND it’s wide. I like this.

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Look at this face. This is the face of a madman. He’s like, “That motherfucker’s gonna drop them. Okay, let’s play.”

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What’s THAT face about?

She looks like Alison Pill here.

Colin:

And that chick from Matrix Revolutions who got stabbed.

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“You want the stones? Let ‘em go!”

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1845

“Drop them, Dr. Jones. They will be found.”

Colin:

He does have the stones, but this isn’t the Laurentian Abyssal. You can send dudes in there until the crocs get full and then the rest can look for the stones in knee-deep water.

People be calling him out on his bluffs this movie.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1846

“You won’t!”

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1847

(Hindu chant!)

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1848

Press yo face into the titty.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1849

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1850

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1851

“Shit.”

The great thing about “shit” with this character?

You know he’s gonna come up with a good alternative.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1852

Is this the part where the eagles come?

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1853

Yup.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1854

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1855

“Really?”

That is a paring knife!

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1856

Why are you making them go out there, by the way?

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1857

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1858

Are none of you watching what he’s doing?

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1859

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1860

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1861

There you go. Speak in Chinese so only the kid understands.

Colin:

What’s with Ford’s delivery? Was he just high? Why does this come off as his worst acting in either of his franchises?

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1862

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1863

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1864

“Hang on. Lady, we going for a ride.”

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1865

“Oh my god.”

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1866

Could no one else figure this out?

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1867

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1868

“Oh my god, is he nuts?”

“He no nuts. He’s crazy.”

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1869

Reaction shots are the key to comedy.

“Mola Ram, prepare to meet Kali. In hell.”

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1870

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1871

“Oh!!! What the fuck?!”

Colin:

I do love this Indian guy.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1872

You’d think all that preparation and him measuring it would have given it away.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1873

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1874

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1875

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1876

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1877

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1878

I love that they added sand to make the bridge still appear there even as it falls. Great little practical trick that doesn’t exist anymore because of CGI.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1879

The poses of the falling bodies are great.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1880

And by bodies I mean dummies.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1881

Aside from the crocodiles, most of you will be fine.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1882

… except that guy.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1883

This is crisp.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1884

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1885

You don’t survive slamming against the wall like that.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1886

CUT OUTS!

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1887

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1888

They do a really good job of cutting to the crocodiles. Clearly separate location, and I love it.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1889

You guys are right at the top. How did Indy get so far up so fast?

Colin:

The plot.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1890

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1891

A HA HA that crocodile just flipped over.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1892

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1893

HE’S STILL FLIPPING

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1894

Well those swords are no good.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1895

Maybe… go around.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1896

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1897

Strong wood.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1898

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1899

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1900

Adventure movie shot.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1901

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1902

I love how all they’re doing is throwing the costume in the water and adding screams and it looks like the crocs are devouring the people.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1903

So many more tit shots in the third act.

Colin:

Titties.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1904

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1905

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1906

NICE KICK.

That takes flexibility.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1907

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1908

This is another cool shot.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1909

Colin:

You know they just did this on some fence from Home Depot.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1910

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1911

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1912

Oh, good, he’s gonna do that shit now.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1913

Colin:

Cover your heart? I don’t see why he couldn’t snatch it out even if you were.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1914

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1915

Great face.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1916

Faces.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1917

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1918

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1919

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1920

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1921

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1922

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1923

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1924

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1925

Colin:

Did someone fart?

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1926

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1927

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1928

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1929

The natural moment the boss doesn’t give a fuck about his henchmen.

Colin:

All your homeys just saw you throw that dude to his death. How do these people keep followers?

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1930

To be fair, it’s pretty crazy that he didn’t get any higher than he did.

Though I’m sure there’s a whole subplot about it. His fear of heights, the amount of times he was ridiculed for not climbing the rope in gym class, his feelings of inferiority among the other henchmen, how he froze during a key moment in one of the earlier action scenes, him finally resolving to overcome his fears, climb this bridge to safety… and then his boss casually comes and throws him over the side.

Colin:

It wasn’t even a Bane moment either. He just tosses the poor bastard.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1931

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1932

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1933

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1934

And he’s laughing at his henchman falling to his death.

Or laughing that Jones almost fell off because he did that.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1935

Yeah, probably the latter.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1936

“Shoot this motherfucker!”

Colin:

What a great line that was.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1937

Where did their guns go?

Colin:

Obama.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1938

What’s up with her stomach?

Colin:

I think it’s a white woman thing.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1939

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1940

Colin:

Okay, that was like 50 arrows. No fucking way he’s not hit.

You’d think these guys would be more Jet… Li-thal.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1941

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1942

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1943

Love that one arrow that bounces off and makes a Sega Genesis noise.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1944

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1945

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1946

I have nothing to say about this.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1947

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1948

Those sandals ain’t gonna do shit.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1949

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1950

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1951

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1952

Aww, he’s gonna carry him over the threshold.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1953

Colin:

Gotta give the man credit for not making a sound. He held his composure and stuck the landing. Good for him.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1954

How about you climb back up and then take the bag when you and your boys outnumber him?

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1955

That’s not so far down.

I mean, yeah… crocs… but distance wise, not so bad.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1956

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1957

“The stones are mine!”

… is the last thing they all say before they plummet to their deaths.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1958

That face.

“You’ve betrayed Shiva.”

Colin:

Wait, now HE runs the stones? Never fuck with the guy who runs the stones.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1959

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1960

This it the climax of a movie. People playing tug of war over a bag with rocks in it.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1961

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1962

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1963

All right. That just happened.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1964

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1965

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1966

Hot potato.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1967

You sure you got the right one?

Colin:

Did the two other ones belong to other villages? What if you got the wrong one? I’m still missing how Shiva and God can coexist.

Also wondering how the stones only burned the Indian guy.

That’s racist.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1968

So he died because he wanted the stone.

I thought if they fell they would be found.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1969

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1970

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1971

That had to hurt.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1972

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1973

Colin:

Fuck you, I guess.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1974

They devour people fast.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1975

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1976

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1977

WILHELM SCREAM.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1978

WHY ARE YOU STILL SHOOTING YOUR BOSS IS DEAD

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1979

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1980

Oh shit, somebody brought the Mounties.

Colin:

And now the fucking army that could have solved this in 20 seconds decides to show up. Thanks a lot, guys.

AMERICA

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1981

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1982

A HA HA I want that to be my job. Just walk into frame like, “Yeah, that’s right, bitches, we got this shit from here,” and do nothing else.

All the points to you, sir. Bully for you.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1983

WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN FIRING RANGE

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1984

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1985

Colin:

Red vs. blue!

Just like South Central.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1986

Good time for a Wilhelm Scream.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1987

If you’re covering your ears, why the fuck did you move forward to crouch with them?

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1988

This would make a good video game level.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1989

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1990

Yeah, maybe a good idea, assholes.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1991

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1992

Ah… colonialism.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1993

Indy dead?

Colin:

Does he make it? Or is he dead? Let’s find out!

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1994

Colin:

He looks exactly the same, she looks like shit.

— Aging.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1995

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1996

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1997

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1998

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 1999

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 2000

He held onto his potato.

Colin:

One handed? Are you out of pockets? I didn’t think Indiana Jones could ever run out of pockets.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 2001

Yes, let us laugh.

Colin:

“Hahahahaha….so, I’m hanging for dear life here. Some help, assholes?”

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 2002

Wow… that village got put back together quickly. Why does it look like The Quiet Man all of a sudden? It’s been like, three days.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 2003

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 2004

YES! PERSON RISING INTO FRAME!

This is my modern day rear projection.

This needs to happen in every single movie.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 2005

It seems like all this village was really lacking was color.

PLEASANTVILLE. JONES STYLE.

Colin:

This village looks lush. I thought they needed the stone, which he hasn’t brought back yet. The guy said that when the stone was taken, shit died. I guess it came back on its own.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 2006

More color, less smoldering ruin. I guess. Is the key to your village looking less shitty.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 2007

The rock hole is purple now.

Colin:

That’s a girl.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 2008

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 2009

Damn it, woman, show some respect.

Colin:

“Got my jacket back!” Was that back in the cult temple or something?

Probably still in his room. Bet that bug chef is pissed now that he has to find new work.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 2010

Colin:

Dispense with the pleasantries, where’s the rock? Trying to unload this ice.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 2011

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 2012

Colin:

There’s no reason for these kids to be trailing behind silently.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 2013

Wait, so how come the village got back together before the kids came back? So you’re telling me the whole thing was a crock of shit and they just wanted the kids back? What’s the deal with the whole “lucky rock” bullshit?

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 2014

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 2015

YES! ANOTHER ONE!

Colin:

Indian people are not born; they rise into the frame.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 2016

Do you think they even know what they were doing?

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 2017

Indiana Jones: the Savior of Brown People.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 2018

For people who are starving, they sure fuck a lot.

Colin:

That’s WAY too many children. You couldn’t have left some of them in the mine?

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 2019

Colin:

Where did all this food come from? It’s been less than a week!

I think they got conned. It was all an elaborate front so they’d take the case. They just wanted the rock back.

This is like that scenario where you are hired to do a job but the person you hires you… oh wait, that’s actually going to happen in the next movie.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 2020 Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 2021

Colin:

Look at this meth kid. Get some teeth, meth kid.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 2022

Colin:

Let’s throw brown children in the air!

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 2023

What? Goddamn, he hasn’t even brought back the stone yet? So they just fixed shit on their own? And he went off and did all that shit just so they wouldn’t have to? This is some Magnificent Seven shit.

And he didn’t make any money off of this. Because they fucking have none.

Indy really chose… poorly.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 2024

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 2025

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 2026

Apparently they knew he was coming back when life returned to the village.

“Now you can see the merit of the rock.”

I saw that shit in The Rundown, man.

Colin:

Oh, so the stone knew he was coming back. It was only like two days. They left, slept one night and then reached the palace. Then that night, they got captured, and the next day they got out. So this is like the third day, probably.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 2027

“Yes. I understand its power now.”

Do you? Because I sure as fuck don’t.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 2028

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 2029

All the plot shit is done, so now let’s pay off the flirting.

Colin:

She still has such 80s hair.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 2030

“You could have kept it.”

“Ah, what for? They’d just put it in a museum. It’d be another rock collecting dust.”

Colin:

Notice how he doesn’t mention the needy people of the village when he explains why he didn’t keep the rock. Nice.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 2031

“But then it’d given you your fortune and glory.”

“Anything could happen. It’s a long way to Delhi.”

Colin:

They’re gonna fuck now, right?

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 2032

“No thanks. No more adventures with you, Dr. Jones.”

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 2033

“Sweetheart, after all the fun we’ve had together?”

He calls that fun.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 2034

“If you think I’m going to Delhi with you, or any place else, after all the trouble you’ve gotten me into, think again, buster. I’m going home to Missouri where they never feed you snakes before ripping your heart out, lowering you into hot pits.”

Colin:

She’s from Missouri? Why are they always from the Midwest? I’m not hating, I’m just wondering. Why are all the blonde movie characters from the Midwest? Is it supposed to make them sympathetic?

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 2036

“This is not my idea of a swell time.”

What is your idea of a swell time?

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 2037

“Excuse me, sir.”

Yes. Whatever you’re about to ask him is completely sane and reasonable and something he’ll be able to do.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 2038

“I need a guide to Delhi.”

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 2039

This was done for the whip gag, but no one’s pointing out how that guy ignored the fuck out of her.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 2040

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 2041

This shot is the true definition of Uncompromisingly 80s.

The rest of this could be any time, anywhere, but her — 80s.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 2042

“Ha ha, very funny.”

Colin:

He just whipped her. How did that not hurt?

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 2043

This movie especially — it’s great how films decide, “Ehh, they kiss, everything is forgotten and everything will be fine.”

And then in franchises, he’s just off her by the time we get to the next one.

Colin:

Is it me, or was there more violence in this one? He hit Short Round and her at one point or another.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 2044

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 2045

Thought he was gonna take off the hat to make out with her. No, just tipped it. Tip of the hat so he could bend her like Beckham later.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 2046

Wow, it’s almost like that happened on cue.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 2047

You just got peed on by an elephant.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - 2048

Where’d you get the water from?

Colin:

That elephant. The only one we can trust.