Fun with Franchises: Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989), Part I — “Portugalavanting”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.

We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.

We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.

Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.

Right now, we’re doing the Indiana Jones franchise, and today is the first part of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

Somehow they were allowed to use the word crusade in the title. Also, the “last” crusade. Very Zionist of you.

Colin:

Oh, I’m so glad Temple of Doom is behind us. But let’s not forget what’s still to come after this. Ugh. But whatever. For this moment, let’s be thankful for the movie we’re about to enjoy together. Lest the shitty surrounding it make us forget.

Now that I think about it… yeah, this pretty much can only ever look like other rocks or hills.

Colin:

What about one titty? 

Temple of Poon!

Maybe Everest? That’s an interesting one.

My idea for a movie opening logo would be to have the Universal Earth blow up.

Panning does not go well with Monument Valley imagery.

Colin:

It really should be a still shot with things moving across. I just watched Stagecoach in a theater for the second or third time in my life, and that shit looks great.

This movie looks like 1989.

Colin:

We’ve gone from dots to feathers.

This is the closest he’ll ever get to a John Ford western, isn’t it?

Colin:

This looks like some Monument Valley shit. But it’s not. It’s Moab. Fewer cowboys, more lifted Jeep Wranglers. Actually, that’s not fair. A lot of Westerns, including Stagecoach, shot here. And here’s the kicker – the pod race from The Phantom Menace was also filmed in Moab, or using images from Moab.

Why did the horse neigh when the title came up? Is the crusade the Frau Blucher of conflict?

I don’t normally include credits in screenshots if I can help it (and I usually can)… but her name is doody. And I am a child.

Colin:

I never knew who Alison Doody was as a kid, but as I read the credits at the beginning of the movie I chuckled. How’s your name gonna be ‘DOODY?’

Just show shots like this for ten minutes. I’d be down.

Colin:

I love wide shots. Let that be known. Movies that start with wide shots are great. Movies that feature wide shots are great. Movies that end with wide shots are also great.

That rock’s just waiting to be pushed over.

Another thing I want to say… the credits just advertised John Rhys-Davies before this shot. So now I‘m going, “Oh man, they brought Sallah back?” If I’m in the theater in 1989, shouldn’t that be a surprise? Shouldn’t that be something you see as it happens and go, “Oh man, Sallah’s back!”? Even now, in a spoiler culture, when the internet knows everything, isn’t it nice when a movie doesn’t spill all its secrets until you see it? Why do we do that?

Colin:

And John Rhys-Davies is back. There’s a triumph. The man’s voice should be given its own zip code.

Isn’t it also great how you can just spot a John Williams score from anywhere?

Colin:

I just heard the ET in that bit of the score. I like that.

I mean… we already know what entry #1 is on our shots article.

I will never turn down Monument Valley shots. Ever.

Colin:

America got some good looking country, man. Foreigners don’t get just HOW MUCH there is and the variation of it. You hear them be like, “I dunno, I went to Seattle, and I guess there were trees. America’s not really that nice.”

Colin:

The stone arches are a giveaway that it’s Moab.

“Dis-mount!”

David Arquette?

Colin:

Look at this asshole. There’s always a kid who doesn’t know how to scout. I’m glad I wasn’t a boy scout in that era. Technically, I was only ever a cub scout, and only then for a single year before my mom found out how crazily conservative they are and decided I was too busy as a third grader to spend one evening a week learning to tie knots or whatever we did.

Goddamnit, fat kid.

Colin:

Don’t wander off? That’s exactly what they’re ALL doing. That’s what it looks like you TOLD them to do.

Rock vagina.

Guys cackling inside a rock vagina.

This is slam poetry.

That sounds unhealthy.

Colin:

Fat people: don’t breathe like that.

Silhouettes have returned.

Weird that he modeled his entire look off of this guy.

Makes sense, given the age, but this guy… maybe not the most honorable.

Though, according to Belloq, neither is Jones. Even though we don’t really see it.

Colin:

I would love to see whatever story it was that got whatever guy to threaten to cut off his ‘misunderstanding.’

That cave wall is too well put together.

Hey guys… remember The Goonies?

Yeah…

Colin:

Cowboys and enthusiastic young men should be less so. How did they come across this place? How do you just happen upon something like this and randomly dig through the solid rock floor of a tunnel passage in the middle of nowhere? I’ll never understand archaeology or paleontology. People who go out and dig for dinosaur bones and stuff…do you just start digging in a random area? How the hell does that work?

I like how late 80s action movies always have that one “kid” henchman who looks like that.

Colin:

He looks like an extra from Titanic. Which, given the year this takes place, is actually not so deplorable.

“Indy… what are they doing?”

Colin:

Hah. River Phoenix. Didn’t quite live up to the name, did he?

“Indiana… Indiana.”

“Shut the fuck up, Porkins, I’m trying to listen!”

Colin:

Your ‘shh’ was more piercing and loud than anything this kid was saying. Oh movies.

We’re in Utah, 1912, by the way. Just so we’re clear that Indy is probably dead by the time Jamiroquai happens.

Colin:

This is where the title goes? This is where you thought it would be a good idea to tell us we were in Utah in 1912? Was that your shot at a clever title placement? Not exactly The Departed, was it?

For that matter…it’s Utah, and it’s 1912. How do we not assume that EVERY one of these guys is Mormon?

Why does Indiana live in Utah?

And apparently that’s the cross of Coronado.

Colin:

I refuse to believe you know what that thing is from this distance. I also refuse to believe you could or would know what that thing is in a world without Wikipedia. Sorry, no.

“That cross is an important artifact, it belongs in a museum.”

Colin:

How do you know it’s not going to a museum? They’re saying, “We’re rich!” which could mean that they’re going to sell it to the highest bidding museum and make off like bandits, as was common with early 20^th century treasure hunters. None of this is inconsistent with how it might look.

I bet this guy was the Daniel Plainview of 1912. Did some unscrupulous shit, made money, and then by the time Indy is doing his stuff, he’s off in his mansion, beating people to death with bowling pins.

Colin:

It’s never really stated in those terms exactly, but I’m pretty sure the American dream as such is the promise that if you work hard enough, eventually you’ll have an in-house bowling alley where you can beat people to death. I think some politicians have lost sight of that.

Colin:

This profile is so uncomfortable. It looks like he’s glazed. He looks like the gross ham you don’t want to eat.

“Run back and find the others.”

Your plan is already flawed.

Colin:

You’re sending this kid to get help? I’d send him home and just hope he doesn’t fuck up too bad. How did you get that fat in this time?

“Here, let me pull this snake off your dick.”

“It’s only a snake.”

“Do you hear what I said? You fat fuck.”

Look how sweaty he is. He’s gotta stop eating cold cuts. It’s seeping. Coming out of his pores.

Way to leave the cross just chilling on a rock like that.

YOINK!

Colin:

Nobody ever looks behind them at the right times. It’s watching movies that’s made me so compulsive about this. I look behind me all the time, and it pays off a lot.

This is where he gets the cockiness from.

Really?

Colin:

You’ve got to be smarter than this. After being so cool under pressure, to break a beam like that? Then again, it seems like something grown up Indy might do, so I’m not entirely against it.

He looks like the guy who would be the estranged drunk father in those kids movies from the 90s.

Colin:

This guy looks comically like Indiana Jones’ dad. I sort of like how in many ways, he’s like Connery, but how he’s tried to sort of model himself and his look after this guy.

Is that Alice Cooper?

Colin:

“He’s got our thing!” I love that they don’t even try to add detail to it. They just left it as the trope/pretense for a chase scene and forgot to fill in the particulars.

Pretty nice how two shrubs managed to grow out of that thing.

Colin:

Look at that uneven ground and all those loose stones as he runs down the slope. That’s DEATH.

Look at you. You look ridiculous in that kerchief.

“Everybody’s lost but me.”

I can’t even begin to get into how much I hate that way of thinking.

Colin:

I would laugh at his stupidity, but technically, he’s right. They were told not to wander off, and this is where they all went in.

Look at that sky. Goddamn, man.

Yeah fucking right.

Colin:

I don’t like uniformed people. I think one thing that makes me uncomfortable about Japan is that everyone’s in uniform. Fucks with your head. 

The horse knows to just wait there?

As two people who’ve watched a lot of westerns, this moment is really hilarious.

Colin:

It’s pretty simple how they set all this up, but still effective. He’s a lot like Indy, and he’s got all the makings of the hero we know and love, but he’s not quite skillful enough. He makes mistakes, he’s always screwing up. And just like the older character, he’s constantly improvising.

So this is the key to the adventure movie. Start with a specific serialized genre, or a specific classical genre – the musical, the western – and then tell your story.

Colin:

Why did the truck not show up when Indy whistled? And for that matter, do you know how long it took to start one of those? Just trust me on this one (and on just about anything else car-related), but that’s a Ford Model TT (the truck based on the Model T), and those weren’t around until later in WWI. And until 1919, you had to crank to start them. Wrong.

First off… bad choice for a suit in a place with a lot of dust. Second, are you really signaling for your guys to “come on, get him”? Because you’re in cars, and you’re chasing him. Are they just gonna randomly go, “Oh, that’s my turn” and stop chasing him?

Colin:

I do like the Model T they’re driving in. But you also have to wonder – this guy in the car, wearing the white suit and clearly bankrolling the whole thing…shouldn’t he be smoking a cigar somewhere? They just found something baller and didn’t immediately rush out to tell him, which is weird. Apparently he’s just spending his whole day sitting in a full suit in an uncomfortable car under the Utah sun while his guys dig with no idea whether or not they’ll find anything. That makes sense.

Also, Indy in the white suit in Temple — he modeled himself after this guy too.

Colin:

I’m gonna say that was modeling himself after Bond. The key difference between that outfit and this guy was that it featured black pants, and this asshole is all white. His Temple outfit matched Goldfinger opening sequence Connery exactly, and it makes sense. That was his Bond scene, meeting the bad guy in a night club. I’m surprised there was no gambling.

Ah, the train. This brings back fond memories.

Colin:

This is such a B Western. I say that as a compliment.

What happened to the fat kid?

I think he had a massive Coronado.

Colin:

Ohhhhhhh no. You know that if Karma is real, we’re screwed from this blog.

Look at that fucking axle.

Colin:

This is kinda matched, I guess. The truck was maxing out at like 20mph, which is probably what a normal horse could be expected to do. The car, though…those things were good for more than 40mph, so I don’t know why they’re not all over him. You could say it’s the suspension, but…eh.

Of course it’s a circus train. Maybe Roger Moore is on it.

Colin:

Those giraffes would have been decapitated if this was Skyfall.

The horse somehow just knows to get out of frame and go away from the train.

Colin:

Where are you going? What’s the endgame here?

Does he ever have an endgame?

This is a motherfucker who will later pull an RPG on the Ark of the Covenant.

Colin:

RPGs have been known to end games.

Also love how the people on the train never notice this happening. Ever.

Dunn and Duffy.

I like how they say “combined.” This is some Barnum and Bailey shit. “You know what would be better than trying to beat each other? Making them pay double to see us both.”

You wonder what parts of each one were contributed to the whole. Did they sit down, like, “Well, Duffy doesn’t have any giraffes, so we’ll use ours. But our rodeo clowns are fucking terrible. So we’ll let them all go except Swift Feather…”

Colin:

Duffy had giraffes, but they were queer. They just stood around eating, and not mating. 

I hope that’s how they do it. Sit down in a room and hammer that shit out, Mafia style.

Would be cool if he got them up there then stole their car.

Also, where does that driver go once they’re on the train? Does he just go away until they’re done? Ride along the whole time?

Colin:

Probably just drives along the side of the train, spray painting dicks on the cars.

A HA HA. They had someone move the giraffe heads to make them look real.

I feel like it would be fun to be part of a traveling circus.

Or a traveling anything.

You know, despite it being a terrible choice for Best Picture, The Greatest Show on Earth — actually a good movie.

Colin:

I disagree. Remember The Seventh Seal? That looked like a shitty gig.

Just unhook the motherfucker.

Shouldn’t they have water or something?

Also, these trains must have been so fucking dangerous.

What kind of circus has crocodiles?

What purpose can that possibly serve for your circus?

Do the clowns put them in their pants?

Colin:

Do they eat each other? Is this attraction just the largest ouroboros in the world?

Oh man, you mean shitty 1912 wood wasn’t able to hold 475 pounds of weight?

Colin:

Those were the days, when wood was shitty. 

What the fuck is that?

That’s the Biz Markie of snakes.

Colin:

WHY would you even have this snake?

And so he just falls back into all the other snakes.

As the other guys just… do nothing.

Really? That’s what did it? Not that giant fucking thing in the water?

Colin:

That snake needs to die.

Like most children, the circus scarred him for life.

UNHOOK THE GODDAMN CAR

Colin:

No, see, cause he made a rookie mistake and started running backwards. If he unhooks the car, he’ll just slow down and they can jump off and surround him. The way to do it is run to the front of the train and unhook the cars behind you.

Oh, I guess that chase is over. Not like they have guns and the train is made out of an easily chopped material or anything.

Colin:

What they should have done is stayed back and had one guy run across the top of the car. Now he’s stuck in the reptile car and you’re out of luck.

Aren’t you afraid of snakes now? What gives?

Tally ho!

What’s under that tarp? Clifford?

Colin:

We’re in a forest now. So that happened. 

Jump off. That car ain’t traversing that landscape.

He just got the hook.

Goddamn, that lantern just made that rhino cry.

A kid dressed like that will always have a knife.

That’s one pissed off rhino.

The fuck?

Is that all it takes to get the rhino to go nuts? You mean to tell me he’s all right in those cramped quarters the rest of the time?

Now roll that motherfucker off the train.

You look like every 80s movie bully.

Colin:

It was always that hair in the 80s, too. The sort of curly-wavy strawberry blond hair.

RHINO HORN TO THE DICK!

Colin:

They did find something interesting to do with all the animals, though, which is good. I didn’t mean that in a gross way. Was that gross?

Why do you have a rhino in a show meant for children?

Took them that long to figure out to use a gun.

The classic Jones escape route.

Also known as the Fairbanks exit.

Colin:

I’m always amused at fences in places like this. Unless you really need to keep something in, what’s the point? Even for cows and whatever, they need to roam around and eat grass and stuff. Building a fence here is pointless. “Okay, this here is my side of the shitty nothingness, and that there is yourn.”

Good job.

Look how low rent he looks in this shot.

“There’s no way out of this,” he says, as the kid crawls over a trap door. And over a train, that can easily be jumped off of if you really wanted to get out of this.

Colin:

Isn’t this the part where Morpheus jumps off the Camaro and flying kicks him?

Lion cage. No way it’s not.

Never get off the boat.

Colin:

You should never have to pull back your hair to see what’s in front of you. Again, talk about 80s period pieces missing the mark on hairstyles.

He’s not going to eat you, he’s just asking, “Hey man, why you fucking up my roof?”

Colin:

That’s just a big kitty. I’d be cool.

Amazing how this sets the tone for the man’s entire life.

Colin:

That whip doesn’t look anything like his. Is it the same whip? Or is it just worn out so much that it goes from black and red to brown?

“Motherfucker, do you think this is a game?”

Good job, moron.

Also, is this really how they’re gonna try to explain the scar Ford has on his lip from real life?

“Goddamnit…”

(MY SON WORKS?!!!)

That’s one forlorn looking lion.

Colin:

Wow, that lion is regal as fuck.

He has more pathos than anyone else in this movie.

“Jesus, motherfucker, all right!”

Throw me the idol, I throw you the whip.

That lion is baked out of his mind.

Yeah, right, like he’s not mauled to death right here.

“You got heart, kid, but that belongs to me.”

“It belongs to Coronado.”

“Cornoado’s dead, and so are all of his grandchildren.”

Weird how the guy actually has a point. Indy actually did steal this from him. Granted, it’s for a noble purpose, but he still stole it. He doesn’t even know what this guy’s end game is.

Colin:

FUCK your grandchildren, Coronado!

Somehow, had no idea that was even there. That’s suspect.

Colin:

I would NOT have missed that snake for this long.

Really? It’s the fucking WEST.

Also, why do you send the kid to get the cross?

How are you all so disorganized?

Oh, now this is where it gets interesting.

Though the fact that none of the performers are on this train is suspect.

Colin:

“Magic?!” Thanks for the reading help, Sparky. Also, I knew a girl once who had a magic caboose. 

Colin:

“Make sure he doesn’t double back.” When I was a kid, I thought this was something I was missing. Then I realized, it’s a bullshit line that buys him time. Even if he does double back, he’s just trying to go through you. Why would you stop chasing him when he can just jump out the back of the train? Why is him doubling back your concern NOW? See how they just throw in random lines sometimes, hoping you won’t notice?

Sometimes action movies have dialogue just to have dialogue.

And then the whole movie is, “Make sure he doesn’t double back,” “Look over there!” “Where did he go?” “Shit, I lost him!” “Watch out!” and, “Man, I’d really like to fuck that chick who works the juice bar at Whole Foods that always wears the beanie.”

Colin:

That’s a nice touch. With the box.

(Just like Lana Turner.)

Maybe run for those cars so you can get a ride. Do you even know where the fuck you are?

And again, what’s Indiana Jones doing growing up in Utah? Is he a Mormon?

He should have been played by Kurt Russell.

Colin:

No. Nobody in his position is smiling in this situation.

Well… kinda. I mean, the kid’s got moxie. Is the scripted reason for the smile. And also, he knows he’s just gonna find this kid and get it from him anyway.

Gotta go tell dad.

This town looks like Paper Moon.

What a shitty house.

Wow. Maybe put a little more effort in the mailbox. What is that, Comic Sans?

Colin:

Fuck the 80s for every single shot of a mailbox I’ve ever hated.

I’m guessing that’s the dog of the namesake.

Colin:

The dog. Is Indiana.

“Dad!”

His kid could have walked in with the Grail, and he’d still make him wait.

Colin:

“Fuck your problems! I’m drawing Bible shit!” It’s sad how that still probably flies across most of America.

When Sean Connery tells you to shut the fuck up, you shut the fuck up.

Colin:

And Sean Motherfucking Connery. If this wasn’t one of the first movies I knew him from, this would have excited the hell out of me. I remember writing an essay in the sixth grade about the person we admired, and I wrote about him. I was the only kid in the class who had seen The Great Train Robbery or A Bridge Too Far. Dumbasses.

You fucking idiot.

His door is purple.

Why is he sketching this? So he could take it with him? I’m confused as to what’s happening right now. Did he take this book out of the library?

Colin:

A sweater? In Utah? During the day?

You stupid fat fuck.

Colin:

You’re a terrible bugler and you should feel bad.

I shouldn’t have to point out that this is this actor’s last role in any film. Blowing this dumbass bugle.

Because he probably had a fucking heart attack at 19.

Look at his fucking face. That’s the face of an actual baby.

“I brought the sheriff.”

But he did not bring the deputy.

Goddamnit, Tyrone.

“Glad to see that. Because the rightful owner of this cross won’t press charges if you give it back.”

Colin:

Remember when the rule of law wasn’t worth a damn even if you were white?

Don’t have to think back that far.

Reaction shots are the key to comedy.

Were all of these people invited into the house? What does Connery have to say about all this?

Weird as hell. He says they have witnesses, but they’re all menacing as shit. Somehow he just believes them.

Colin:

They pay. Also, isn’t it weird how in this timeline, The Wild Bunch hasn’t happened yet? And a bunch of other westerns.

And this guy goes, “Yeah, woo hoo!” and somehow that’s not a giveaway either.

Colin:

Nobody should have to skid to stop. This is my least favorite character in the movie so far. This guy with the stereotypical Mick outfit and the cocaine habit worse than Carrie Fisher’s.

Do we know who this guy is and why he wants the cross? Sure, they’re just doing a job, but considering we’re about to find out that he still has it, twenty years later, I doubt he wanted it for anything that sinister.

“You lost today, kid. But that doesn’t mean you have to like it.”

I got screwed out of the Cross of Coronado and all I got was this stupid hat.

All this is telling me is that Indiana Jones is unoriginal and cheap. Models himself after this guy and doesn’t even get a new hat.

(How has his head not grown in all this time?)

How can he not have a hat guy? Even I have a hat guy.

Colin:

“Ew! Get your sweaty fucking hat off of me!” – Me, in this situation and in many others.

Match cut!

Uplifting leitmotif!

WHAM!

That was nice. Looks up, smiles, gets punched in the face. This is a perfect reintroduction to the character.

Colin:

The other guy aged way better, and he was old-ish to start.

One of the great cuts in cinema.

Also, look at Sailor Victor McLaglen back there.

Colin:

Only after going through the last two movies can someone smile like that while getting punched by a deckhand in a Portuguese hurricane.

I’ve been through a Portuguese hurricane before. She was… fun.

Hey, look who it is.

What this is teaching me is that, if you want to not be stolen from, don’t wear the same thing all the time.

26 years later.

(12 minutes exactly.)

Colin:

26 years later, and this guy still doesn’t look THAT old.

Those are chemicals by the way. So we know how this is ending.

One of my favorite movie effects of all time. (No joke.) I love the water splashing.

They’re kinda both Victor McLaglen. One’s got more of a Gandolfini thing going on. But they’re both McLaglen. One’s good guy McLaglen, and one’s bad guy McLaglen. A Rio Grande and a Quiet Man.

That’s William Hurt mixed with Bob Hoskins.

Colin:

That would be some baby.

Also… really never knows when is an appropriate time to wear that suit.

Watch this be after Labor Day, too.

“Small world, Dr. Jones.”

“Too small for two of us.”

What?

Christ, man, how many times are you gonna steal that thing? Move on. You’re like 35 now.

Colin:

Don’t you love it when something Spanish comes onscreen and they spice up the score?

“This is the second time I’ve had to reclaim my property from you.”

You know who he is? You remember that? I call bullshit.

Also, why did you decide to go back for it all these years later?

Or is this like his Marrakesh thing? Can’t let shit go.

Colin:

I want a Marrakesh thing.

I want to see the scene of him sitting in his parlor, glass of neat bourbon on his lap, just staring into the fireplace, reliving the opening, and eventually going, “Motherfucker…” and packing his shit and going here just to steal it.

That has to be how his life works. Otherwise, how does he decide what to go after?

“It belongs in a museum!”

“So do you!”

Colin:

As a four year old, that was a KILLER comeback.

“Throw him overboard.”

Also one of the best things you can do in a movie. Huge fan of throwing people overboard.

Colin:

Nobody ever shoots anybody before throwing them over the side.

It’s less fun that way.

Colin:

Why are they here, anyway? Portugalavanting, or whatever they’re doing.

YES! BIG WAVE!

What would have been better was, big wave, then, when it was gone, he had already taken out the two henchmen.

You know this shit was done on a soundstage. There is no way Spielberg said, “Yeah, let’s shoot on the water again. It’ll be fun!”

Colin:

I prefer it this way. Limitations.

Telling you right now, this is one of my favorite shots in the film. Boat, wide shot, pouring rain, clearly on a soundstage, rocking back and forth, giant simulated waves crashing down, BARRELS!

If it wasn’t raining so hard, the deck of that boat would be covered in jizz.

Because this shot is making me ejaculate everywhere.

Was what I was going for.

With that.

Colin:

Now back to not being grossed out by Mike’s praise of film.

Sometimes I’m not descriptive enough. Just trying to clarify for everyone.

WAVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WAVE FROM THE FRONT!

My god, these waves are amazing. I completely forgot about this sequence, and I love it.

They had a rope there so he could pull himself up. Smart. I don’t even care that it’s technically a mistake (though not really).

That also could be a railing. But it looks flimsy.

Colin:

It’s a rope railing. That’s a thing on boats. (White people knowledge.)

I guess the real question is what is he doing outside?

Oh this is so awesome.

First off, I’m so glad his ridiculous faces continue in this movie. A trilogy of faces.

Second, I’m so proud of myself for getting all of these faces in screenshots. Because you have to realize — I watched these movies back in August. I took screenshots of the action. I wasn’t consciously looking for all of these faces, and honestly, didn’t even notice a lot of them until now, as we’re going back to riff on the articles some more and edit them before they go up. I’m so glad I caught them all, because they bring me such joy. And now everyone (all twelve people) reading these articles can share in that joy.

I miss people getting punched in the face.

Anyone realize how little that happens anymore?

No one really gets hit in the face. Punches don’t mean anything anymore. Everyone can fight. So they’re all blocking shit and doing all these moves.

What ever happened to one punch doing damage?

You had ONE job!

Someone should be clocking this cross.

That’s a cool shot.

How long does it take this guy to walk up stairs?

This is a sturdy boat, to not be turned over.

That pose.

Of course. There are barrels on this ship. Explosives have to be nearby.

DOUBLE PUNCH TO THE FACE

Bodies sprawled out from overhead are always nice.

Yup.

CANNONBALL!

Colin:

That was good timing to get off the boat, sure. But what was your endgame here? Float to the Azores and fuck with some A-whores, probably.

Float to the Azores and fuck some A-whores.

This harkens back to the first movie. Clearly a small pool on a soundstage, but it’s darkly lit so you don’t know.

Colin:

More shoestring budgets.

TNT.

Barrel.

TNT. Meet Barrel.

That was badass. Sudden, but awesome.

Life raft out of nowhere.

Now what?

Also, what do you think the guy who gave him his hat is doing right now?

Colin:

It’s the 30s, so I just assume anyone who isn’t in this scene is probably drinking.

I know what that guy’s doing right now.

Colin:

This does go back to the lovely film serial beginning thing, with the bad shot of the boat going down and the obvious hat floating by. The question I have after all these years is, why was this episode necessary? We get a little bit of the backstory and “meet” dad, I guess, but it’s wholly unnecessary. Either way, I enjoy it, because it sets us up for another scene with Denholm Eliot where he sounds all giddy about something.

That was still one of my high-point character moments from Raiders, when Marcus is trying to tell him that people want to hire him for shit and he’s still like, “Gimme $2000, I’m going to Marrakesh for that idol I just lost.”

Does he have a plane coming to get him? Or is he just gonna drift a while… collect his thoughts?

Or we’re just gonna fade out and imagine how he got back.

Sea turtles, mate.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow is Part II, and a bunch of Doody.

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

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