Fun with Franchises: Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989), Part II — “The Doody Decimal System”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.

We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.

We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.

Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.

Right now, we’re doing the Indiana Jones franchise, and today is the second part of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

We begin Part II at Yale. Where the Part II of every good Indiana Jones movie should begin.

Did bicycles start becoming a thing during the two years between movies?

Colin:

That’s kind of a large amount of activity for a random part of campus at this time of the afternoon. This is that time in the afternoon when campus empties for whatever reason. Like, 4:30 pm, and everyone’s back from class, but it’s too early to go to dinner, so people are either at the gym or doing work, or in a room playing Pokemon and watching Coming to America.

I was gonna say, “Back from class?” but I realized, that semester was the 4:06 semester.

“Archaeology is the search for FACT. Not truth. If it’s truth you’re interested in, Dr. Tyree’s philosophy class is right down the hall.”

Colin:

Oh, but this is back. I think this is why I liked this movie so much. They brought back the formula – beginning where he’s almost killed several times, class where he insults the supernatural and folklore, conversation with Marcus, Nazis, hating those guys.

“So forget any ideas you’ve got about lost cities, exotic travel and digging up the world. We do not follow maps to buried treasure, and X never, ever marks the spot.”

But aliens, though…

Colin:

Ah, we’re back to ARCH 108: Archaeology for Future Stenographers.

I feel like the girls were hotter last semester.

And more subtle about swooning.

Colin:

At this point, he’s probably sleeping with everything that moves, having given up on Karen Allen.

BRODY!

Wait… isn’t the “x never marks the spot” speech the thing you give at the beginning of the first class? Why is it at the end of a period? What is going on with this lesson plan?

Colin:

I’ve taught, and I do a lot of this. You just start rambling about shit like five minutes before the end of class. “Anyway, before we get to the next question…oh, yeah, look at this. This is a great example of how they try to fuck you — sorry — how they trick you with this kind of distracting answer choice. You’re gonna find that most of your life from now on is just figuring out how people are trying to mess you up on a daily basis. And it IS on a daily basis. So — hm? Bathroom? Yeah, go ahead. See what I mean, though?” I was a great teacher.

It should be said that this provided a great example of what kind of student I am. Once you started the digression, I stopped listening.

Colin:

What was college like before laptops? Horrible, I bet.

They had booze, though. So at least there was that.

Colin:

What the hell is this girl wearing? Did people dress like that at a northeastern elite university? Farm girl taking ARCH 108? Splendor in the Class?

She’s not bad-looking though. The one on the right looks like a career waitress.

And the guy in the back is giving Marcus the stink eye.

Just like in Raiders. Read this shit. They want to bring you back to the good stuff.

Look at that one girl. “Ugh, I don’t get to stare at him anymore.”

Colin:

Look at poindexter in the back. Remember when we could still use that word?

Why can we not use it now?

“Yeah… I’d like to excavate you, baby.”

“Marcus… I did it.”

Colin:

This is also before cell phones because he’s back from Portugal and Marcus still doesn’t know he’d gotten it. You think he’d have sent a telegram or something. “Cross of Coronado swingin from DICK STOP Headed back to get my drink on STOP Prepare bitches STOP”

Prepare Bitches

He’s been looking for that all his life. Apparently. Even though he stumbled on it during a field trip when he was like, 16.

Colin:

This is a moment and a sound that I’ve referenced elsewhere, so I should acknowledge that. Marcus does a gasp/sigh that I also heard from Jonathon Pryce in Curse of the Black Pearl when we meet Orlando at the beginning. He opens the sword case and sees the sword, and it’s the same sound. Listen to both, and you’ll recognize it as the sound of an older white man appreciating something of great beauty.

They’re gonna put it in their Spanish collection. And Marcus is gonna pay for his dinner. Natch.

Colin:

“Yes. My treat…” This sounds like Jafar has him under a spell.

This is what happens when you run into someone you banged and never called again at brunch.

Goddamn, look at these office hours.

Colin:

No professor is that popular. No professor has that many students after him. Even for negligence.

Why are all the guys either jocks or nerds?

He’s got a secretary?

Also, why’s she saying this shit in front of the students? “These papers still haven’t been graded”? What? You’re at YALE. Those kids will murder you if they know that.

Colin:

Why is it that white people trying to get someone’s attention always look like they have to go to the bathroom?

Colin:

Chicks used to wear ribbons in their hair and now they don’t. No joke, just an observation.

Zombies.

Colin:

Seriously, Mick Jagger doesn’t have this problem. They’re banging on his window like it’s the goddamn zombie apocalypse.

Remember the old days? When you could wrap something like that and it would get delivered without looking like the Enron files?

Also, is that Abraham Lincoln carved into that stone?

Also, these kids are rude as shit.

Colin:

I don’t know why but the image of this girl’s face pressed into his door has always stuck with me. It’s ridiculous. And what’s the hurry? There’s no internet and no cell phones. You people have no place to be. You should be welcoming this opportunity to queue.

Nice office. It looks like where Lawrence was drawing maps.

Otherwise known as a basement.

Colin:

I like that his office is full of random stuff from the field. Junk. It’s junk. That’s the archaeologist’s signature. Junk.

I’m going to have an office like this in my house where I can just do this.

Colin:

The Defenestration of Dr. Jones.

This could have been a great moment. Him beating the shit out of someone, climbing out the window, and calmly walking away in wide shot.

Colin:

Wide shots are the key to comedy.

Shifty men in cars.

Colin:

That’s what this movie took to start. 17 minutes.

This is a hit.

Men in hats and trenchcoats surrounding you. This will not end well.

Colin:

In case the music wasn’t a dead giveaway, it’s usually a bad sign when three guys ask you to come with them and one of them immediately walks behind you. I only accept frontal invitations.

Nice eye lighting.

Colin:

You know how in the old movies fedoras went with most suits? This one doesn’t go.

It does if you’re a badass.

The thing I like about this is that they don’t tell you explicitly where this is. It’s clearly the city, based on the matte paintings out the windows. But it doesn’t matter for the story. He’s in a nice apartment where he doesn’t quite fit, and we’re going to get exposition. That’s the point. Today, you’d get a wide shot of the city and a title card telling you where we are. Don’t believe me? Wait two weeks.

Colin:

Oh, no. But yeah, we just show up. Where is this? No idea. Did it matter? NOPE.

“I trust your trip down was comfortable, Dr. Jones.”

Colin:

I trust most people these days don’t use the term “I trust.” But I do, on occasion. It elicits some pretty confused looks, I can tell you.

Motherfucker doing business during a formal gathering. Like Winston Wolf.

Colin:

Also, when you call them your “men” – that’s usually not a good sign. Still, that’s something to aspire to in life. To be in the position to have flunkies that you call “my men” and hope they didn’t alarm people.

That’s Walter Donovan. He introduces himself even though Indy knows who he is. Which is pretty unlikely, given he can’t just google a picture of his face. So this dude is either really famous or infamous. Either way, introducing himself is a sign of false humility.

Colin:

Walter. What a fucking white guy name.

What a Fucking White Guy Name.

Apparently he’s donated a bunch to the museum.

What a fucking white guy thing to do.

Colin:

Rich white people giving money to charity can actually be pretty infuriating, cause in many cases it becomes a tax write-off. So this guy donates $5 million to a charity he owns that’s probably used to do favors for other people or sponsor events and stuff, and his taxes are reduced to reflect that. So in effect, money that would have been going to pay for school lunches or whatever ends up in his vintage bidet museum or something. If you ever look at records of what gets written off and for how much, it’s insane.

And he’s got this.

Colin:

I want to be that rich guy that has random priceless shit just lying around the house like this. You’d be walking around and there would be some ancient figurine or whatever – maybe a fetish – and you’d go, “Where did that come from?” and I’d say, “Oh, Marrakesh, or some other such place. Anyway, if you’ll step through the bookcase door, we can have our booze.” We would be such great rich people. Kickstarter?

The funny thing is we can actually start a kickstarter aimed at getting rich.

“It’s sandstone, Christian symbol, early Latin text – mid-12^th century, I should think.”

Colin:

That cross thing – Christian symbol, you say? I mean, hey, you’re the PhD.

The best is that he qualifies it with, “I should think.”

“That was our assessment as well.”

Oh, see… I was just about to call Indy out for that lazy analysis that should be obvious assessment, but then Donovan came right out and was like, “Yeah, we figured that shit out too.” That was the polite version of, “No shit, Sherlock.”

Colin:

At least this is his expertise. He’s not commenting on butterfly sizes. Lazenby.

“My engineers unearthed it in the mountain region north of Ankara while excavating for copper.”

Why would you use any word similar to Sankara?

Colin:

He has men AND diggers? How do you shop for this guy?

Also, I feel like every time copper is mentioned on film, there should be an obligatory cut to Edward G. Robinson.

I think the more accurate question is — where IS his messiah now?

Translation is like – “Drink that water, I give you life.”

Drunk Life!

Colin:

As someone who does a LOT of translation and even some simultaneous translation, that is not how it goes. You don’t just see the language and read in English in real time as you’re seeing it. Maybe it’s an occupational gripe, but I’m always pissed off when people think that translation is simpler than it is.

People used to write on stones.

If you fucked up, that must have been a bitch. What if you messed up the last word? That’s like, a week of work.

Colin:

I was just reading about the oldest ever customer complaint that has been found, from like 1750 BC. It was done in clay. This dude bought copper ingots, but they were crappy, and the seller told him that if he didn’t want them, to go away with no refund. The dude made the clay complaint and probably sent it to people to fuck with the jerk’s business. That’s dedication.

You think people carved dick selfies on stone tablets too?

Colin:

*CUTS TO BOOZE*

“Where the cup that holds the blood of Jesus Christ lies forever.”

Colin:

You’d think he’d have figured out what he was reading before that.

“The Holy Grail, Dr. Jones.”

Well if you fucking knew what it was, why didn’t you just say it?

Apparently Lucas originally wanted this third one to take place in a haunted mansion. And honestly… people think he’s a great storyteller.

Colin:

What’s the deal with this…chandelier thing? It looks like one of those fiber optic Avatar trees.

Why is the ceiling so low?

“Here’s a bunch of heavy shit… and some booze.”

I like that they’re talking about a cup that not only did they drink from at the Last Supper, but also caught his blood during the crucifixion (because somehow it was the EXACT same cup), and they’re drinking from champagne flutes as they say it. That amuses me.

Colin:

Back then, you had to take cups with you. Still, it was a wooden cup. Probably like the Solo Cup of Zion.

He says it’s bullshit, the other guy says it’s not. You know the drill.

Then he brings up Indy’s dad.

Colin:

I don’t get this cause I don’t have daddy issues, but you have to be pretty messed up over something to stop drinking champagne mid-sip. I have the same philosophy on booze as I do on bad guys executing good guys in movies – finish what you’re doing, THEN look up and pay attention to the distraction.

“Grail lore is his hobby. He’s a teacher of medieval literature, the one the students hope they don’t get.”

First off – college. Pretty sure there’s no “hope you don’t get.” Second… didn’t they just reuse this “boring teacher” bit with John Hurt in the next one?

And then the woman shows up for no reason.

Colin:

HAH! Is that his wife? He said he had a passion for antiquities, but that’s too far!

Putting booze on the Jesus stone.

Colin:

*RUBS BUBBLY ACID INTO A PRICELESS ARTIFACT MADE OF SANDSTONE*

He tries to goad Indy into it. Apparently the stone is vague. Talks about mountains and deserts and shit. Where do they even begin?

Well… how about where you found the fucking thing? Or maybe… where Jesus fucking LIVED.

Colin:

Well, that’s Utah, right?

Then again, nothing is going to make sense. Because apparently they decided, “Let’s save this cup because it’s a big deal. Along with a thousand other cups.”

He tells a story. The Grail was lost for a thousand years and was found by three knights of the first Crusade.

Three brothers.

Colin:

Three brothers? This would be so much better if Hermione was telling it and it was animated. Shut up, Ron, nobody cares how your mother always tells it.

Two left 150 years after finding it. They went back to France. Only one made it. And before the second died, he told a friar.

Colin:

Wait, they were FRENCH knights? Why am I less interested?

Remember that when the knight later is not French at all.

And that’s the story.

Look at this fucking book.

This is how The Sword in the Stone started.

Colin:

Yeah, that proves it, all right. This stuff is all infallible.

Just like now. “What, it’s in a book? Of course it happened!”

Colin:

I would have killed it like 2000 years ago. I’d write some shit saying how much of a boss I was, and it would be so.

Dante did that. Inferno is 60% great imagery, and 40%, “I’m so much fucking better than these assholes.”

Good shot.

Apparently the other marker that shows where the Grail is happens to be in Venice.

Colin:

These are two educated men. Why do you say “Venice, ITALY?” Do you really think he’s going to confuse it with California?

You think Indiana Jones V is gonna be the Live and Let Die of the Jones movies? Or The Voyage Home? Where he’s walking around in the 60s, not knowing what the fuck is going on?

Colin:

Oh, please, please, no. “Ho Chi Minh is hunting for the lost amulet of Who Gives a Phuc, and if he finds it, the VC can make their AK-47s magic or some shit. Here’s some LSD. Good luck, Dr. Jones.”

“Hippies. I hate these guys.”

There you go… just touch a thousand year-old book. What could go wrong there?

“As you can see, Dr. Jones, we’re about to complete a great quest, that began almost two-thousand years ago.”

What? Why did it begin 2,000 years ago? Why was it a quest? It’s a fucking cup. They saved the cup. No one went on a quest. People found it a thousand years ago by accident.

“We’re only one step away.”

“That’s usually when the ground falls out from beneath your feet.”

Quite right. As the project leader has gone missing, along with all the research. He wants Indy to pick up where the dude left off.

“Find the man, and you will find the Grail.”

“You’ve got the wrong Jones, Mr. Donovan.”

“Why don’t you try my father?”

“We already have. Your father is the man who has disappeared.”

This guy has a problem with leading with the important facts.

Colin:

Notice how this is all ambiguous so we can have the crazy reveal. In real life, it’d be like, “Your father is missing and there’s some other shit too. Oh, have some champagne, I guess.”

In real life, this guy wouldn’t be a Nazi villain.

Colin:

I like that you don’t see his face here. Just the lowering of the hat. Complicated relationships are complicated.

Colin:

That looked like a Cadillac like the one in The Artist but it was a Pontiac.

Nice house.

Looks different, two years later.

Oh, they’re looting it, I get it.

Colin:

The door’s open. Good sign. When I show up to a house and the door is open, I immediately go for my gun. I’ve never owned a gun.

The mail flag is up. Come on, Jones.

Someone already beat them to it.

Colin:

Why does he have curtains? Unless they’re for orgies. Orgies happen behind curtains.

Love the leaning bookcase.

Also, yes. That is the only thing that happens behind curtains.

“Today’s mail. And it’s been opened.”

Oh no! Someone opened the mail!

Good thing they didn’t ransack his office mail.

Colin:

How do we know it’s today’s mail? I guess if it was postmarked the previous day or something.

Or someone didn’t pay attention to what they wrote.

As per usual.

Indiana Jones and the Mail Thief

The Nazis want his Hogwarts letter!

Colin:

This place looks like Charles Foster Kane came through.

AHA! A clue.

What the hell is his fireplace lined with?

What kind of shitty Scrabble tiles are those?

“It’s Dad’s Grail library.”

It would be better if it was all the chicks he banged.

Colin:

Good thing Venice didn’t remind him of all this while he was at Donovan’s place. You think Donovan’s men would have roughed him up and just taken it? What does that timeline look like?

Just like Lana Turner.

Every clue, every discovery. Somehow all in one moleskine.

Colin:

People used to keep shit written down in little books and stuff. All those explorers and geologists and naturalists and stuff. They’d come back and everything would be beautifully written and drawn like a pro. I get 3 pages into a Moleskine and there are already like 12 mistakes and the first thing I draw is ugly as shit.

How do you not have a dozen of these? No way one notebook holds up that long. You have to keep updating that shit.

Dad also seems like the kind of guy who would make a new Grail book over again just for fun.

This is coming from someone who will decide, “You know… that giant list of 4,000 movies needs updating,” and will go through the entire thing and take like, two full days to do it just because I want to.

Colin:

This is true. Think of what we could accomplish if we set our minds to something more productive. Maybe we could cure AIDS instead of just pointing out how much of it there is in franchises.

Colin:

I still love how heavy the leitmotif is. The grail music kicks in so obviously. Nothing with leitmotif like that can be fake.

Looking off into the distance, making proclamations.

“This is his whole life. Why would he have sent this to me?”

Metaphors.

I want wooden frames like that. That’s real shit.

“Do you believe, Marcus?”

Well that was heavy-handed as shit.

That’s from Monty Python, right?

Those other guys never saw Venice.

Colin:

Just looking at this image, I hear a bumping 80s tune as this guy walks like an Egyptian.

But for some reason the 80s song is “All Night Long,” by Lionel Richie.

“Do you believe the Grail actually exists?”

Holy shit, Steven. Cool it down with these shots. Did you see that fucking staging? Jesus, “Do you believe?” *walks over to other picture* *rack focus* “Do you believe the Grail actually exists?” Seriously? The only thing that could be less subtle is if we looked at something in the book and Ennio Morricone had a “wah wah wahhh” in there.

The Man Who Would Be Connery.

And he’s got a bitch with him.

Sean Connery would have been great in The African Queen.

Colin:

Sean Connery would have been great in a lot of things. Not Skyfall, though.

How can your house look so awesome and so antique, and still have such a shitty tablecloth? That’s the kind of tablecloth you wrap around a stick and take with you as you hobo across the country.

Also, that fan is still running. His electric bill is gonna be crazy this month.

“Call Donovan. Tell him I’ll take that ticket to Venice now.”

Really? People are just paying for shit? I’ll go to fucking Venice if it means a free ticket.

I’ll go anywhere if it means a free ticket.

Colin:

“Mike, we think Cthulhu is about to appear in Omaha, Nebraska and we need someone who’s seen lots of movies to predict how the plot might unfold. Will you go?” “Window seat, booze.”

Honestly, if they started with “window seat, booze” I wouldn’t even have to hear the other half. They also don’t even need to tailor it to me. They can be like, “We think Cthulu is gonna appear in Omaha. We’ll pay for you to go.” I’d be like, “Done.” Free ticket? I’ll go and say hi to that motherfucker.

Me and Cthulu Down by the Schoolyard

Also, why is this the thing that gets him to agree to go? Because now he thinks his father wants him to? Or did Jesus tell him to go? Because Jesus also tells people to kill other people.

He also told me he jerked off like, eight times the other day. And I was like, “Man, Jesus, stop bragging, I’m just trying to watch the game.” And then he did blow off a hooker’s ass.

He keeps that shit up, he ain’t gonna make it past 35.

“I’ll tell him we’ll take two.”

What? You’re coming? Why? For the free ticket? Then I can understand. But now the president of the university and a professor are just missing from the school. How does nobody question this?

Colin:

I think he’s just the dean at this point. He’s not the president til later, based on the statue we see in the next movie. This is ’38, he starts in ’39. So he basically pulled a Cooper from Eurotrip, skipping out on his job and getting promoted.

There’s a difference between a dean and a president?

And why would Donovan agree to this?

“I invited this guy. Why the fuck are you going too?”

That’s fucked up. That’s like inviting a friend to dinner and he shows up with another friend who decided to come too.

Plus, that’s just another person to kill. Would Marcus be the first university president to be killed by Nazis?

DRAMATIC PUSH IN TO PROPELLERS.

We got pretty advanced in two years, aviation-wise.

Colin:

We definitely had DC-3s in Raiders, even though I was questioning the likelihood of that being accurate. So that’s the same. But Temple was a Ford TriMotor because it was China and they had crap.

Are those suicide doors?

Colin:

And they’re only discussing the itinerary as they’re about to get on the plane? What’s with that? No Doody picture, no contact information, no nothing. Just show up at that time and if something goes wrong on your 36-hour multi-leg voyage…oops.

At least this time the shifty Nazis want him to survive.

Marcus is nervous as shit.

He was dying of AIDS as they shot this, by the way. Just thought I’d let you know.

Colin:

Aw, Denholm Elliot.

“Now, be very careful. And don’t trust anybody.”

Especially the Aryan you’re fucking.

Colin:

Don’t trust anybody. Those Italians are all out to get you.

Fucking greasy wops.

Technically he’s trusting the pilot right now.

Colin:

Oh, no. We did this before the Germanwings crash. Still true.

Map travel – the only proper travel.

Colin:

And a DC-3 flying montage. One of the most Indiana Jonesy parts of Indiana Jones.

And he’s trusting his father. That this book is accurate and not a fake.

He’s got a long ass time to study this book. So at least all his knowledge of shit later can be considered accurate.

Hey, remember when he was just here, killing that guy?

Colin:

Doesn’t that suck? When going from NY to Venice involved stops in Canada, the Azores and Portugal?

The weird thing is, it’s the same plane. Wouldn’t they change planes? Or is this how it went, back in the day? Same plane, just refueling three times?

Colin:

Yeah. You’d have to change luggage and all that stuff. And who wants to show up in the Azores and change to a random plane they have lying around there?

DC-3: Stagecoach of the Skies

Hopefully it doesn’t stop at Lordsburg.

And they trusted that boat driver.

Colin:

I wonder if any of these children will be teenagers in Life is Beautiful.

They’re probably gonna grow up to be bicycle thieves.

“Ah… Venice.”

One less thing he can say when he dies.

Also, the only thing that could have made that delivery even funnier is if they were walking in front of rear projection. Like that “trees” line in The Band Wagon. Gets ‘em every time.

“How will we recognize this Dr. Schneider when we see him?”

“I don’t know. Maybe he’ll know us.”

“Dr. Jones?”

“Well hello.”

Also… Doody.

Colin:

Doody Bombshell.

“I knew it was you. You have your father’s eyes.”

Does he also have his girth?

That look.

“And my mother’s ears. But the rest belongs to you.”

I’ve never seen him out and out flirt like this.

Colin:

That’s the corny serial dialogue we’ve been waiting for. Openly flirting with women you’ve just met and getting away with it.

I appreciate that they didn’t go for the obvious joke that, “Oh man, we assumed it’s a woman and it’s a lady. Lady scientist!”

“Looks like the best parts have already been spoken for.”

What about his misunderstanding?

Not gonna take that Frau…. Lein’ down.

Look at those fucking t-shirts.

Colin:

I was just going through these images and got to this one, and before I scrolled down, said, “Who the hell are these t-shirt assholes?”

Dr. Elsa Schneider.

Also, this face.

A man, a plan, a canal. Venice.

So she saw his father “in the library” last. Which really narrows it down. What section? Use that Doody Decimal System.

Colin:

Doody Decimal System

Apparently he was also “giddy as a schoolboy.” Are schoolboys giddy? Are schoolmarms not also giddy?

“Who, Atilla the professor? He was never giddy, even when he was a schoolboy.”

Atilla the Professor? Jeez, we get it. You and him are tight.

Colin:

Ew, I just remembered that since I last saw this, I watched Don’t Look Now. They should have called that one “Don’t Watch Ever.” That creepy dwarf woman smiling. Any creepy dwarf woman smiling, really. But THAT one. Eesh. I’m never going to Venice.

The reason he was so freaked out is because he knows that’s how at least one of us is bound to go.

Just stealing shit from innocent people.

She’d be played by Amber Heard now.

“Fraulein, will you permit me?”

To stick his wiener in your schnitzel?

Colin:

Sorry, the last time I heard someone ask, “Fraulein, will you permit me?” it was in a very, VERY different context.

“I usually don’t.”

Sure.

“I usually don’t either.”

See?

“In that case, I permit you.”

What? “I don’t usually fuck guys.” “I don’t either.” “Oh, well, that’s fine, then.”

“You make me very happy.”

“But I’m already sad. By tomorrow, it will have faded.”

“Tomorrow, I’ll steal you another one.”

Wait, wait. What is going on here?

“Can I give you this flower?” “I usually don’t let guys give me flowers.” (It happens enough that you have a ‘usual’ course of behavior with flowers?) “I usually don’t give flowers.” “Oh, well in that case, guy I just met who was brazenly flirting with me, give me the flower.” “That’s cool. I’m really glad you did that.” “I’m not. Because it’ll be dead tomorrow.” “Nah, that’s cool, I’ll steal you another one tomorrow.”

I don’t have a problem with the exchange. The writing isn’t that bad. Mostly what I’m pointing out is that people will have ridiculous conversations when they both want to fuck each other and are just killing time before that happens.

Colin:

I really like this sort of thing, cause it’s real. That’s what we do, just dancing around the carnal knowledge, trying to sound cool and making no sense in the process.

Also, he let her know he stole that flower. Which is baller.

Colin:

That is baller. That did not occur to me. “Yeah, I steal shit.”

“Listen guys, I hate to cockblock, but…”

It’s weird how they just trust her because she’s hot.

Colin:

*FLIRT FLIRT FLIRT FLIRT* *EXCUSE ME, BUT I’M GAY HERE*

Honestly — this is a good way to move from the fluff into the exposition. Usually the transitions are so clunky you groan. This one actually kind of works.

Last time she saw his father, he sent her to get a map.

And then he went out for cigarettes and never came back.

All that was left was this.

Colin:

I always get chills when someone says the word “papers” in a German accent.

Imagine German Jimmy Two Times.

That’s the library.

It’s a big stone building with books in it.

The library is apparently closing soon. Which is weird. Because it looks like 1 o’clock. But I guess that’s Italy. It’s already been open for an hour and a half. They’re already working overtime. They had to drink a half a bottle of wine just to make up for the lost time.

And Elsa says she’s gonna arrange for them to stay a little longer. Which… how exactly are you gonna do… oh, right… Axis powers.

Colin:

How do you just arrange something like that? And why is the library closing? It’s the middle of the day. We have this whole long action sequence after this.

He repeated the look of this library in Tintin.

Stained glass is nice, but it has too many religious images.

I’d want my stained glass to have something cool on it.

Like Christopher Walken.

Or Snoop Dogg.

What great stained glass windows those would be.

We really need to get rich. We’d have the best houses.

And I think we know, from experience, that I wouldn’t think twice about propping that door open all day for people to just show up.

Colin:

I’d also have the Sleuth hedge maze, complete with the hidden bar at the center. Not that it’d be a secret bar.

“Marcus… I’ve seen this window before.”

Well, you’re an archaeology professor. It happens.

Maybe don’t say “I saw that window before” if you saw it in that book you were just studying intently for the last day. Maybe say, “That window is in the book.”

Weird how it just happens to be the thing he was sketching when all that shit went down at the beginning.

Not a fucking chance you saw that window and remembered it from back then. Not when all that other stuff was happening.

Colin:

Also, how come Connery’s sketch has a sword, and the glass doesn’t?

Apparently Dad was onto something. Perhaps the fact that the fucking knight in the center is exactly the dude they encounter at the end.

Which is weird. Because who painted that picture?

Colin:

Shouldn’t this be the brother? The one who’s entombed downstairs?

Either way, is that not the exact text he needs on the stained glass?

The tomb is in the library.

Where’s the ten?

Colin:

Why does the ten have to be the one that leads them to it? Why do the three and the seven even exist? They seem to lack any significance.

Three plus seven is ten.

Italian is a funny language.

And The French They Are a Funny Race.

Colin:

I bet Doody knows a thing or two about “modern tongues.”

If he went down that left stack, we’d have a great symmetry shot.

Metallic winding staircases are the best.

More scenes in old libraries.

How the fuck did you not notice that earlier? That’s not even hidden.

Colin:

This is just for effect. There’s no reason for him to climb the steps just to see this. He can see it from where he’s standing. It’s not like the fucking line drawings in the desert. It’s an X and it’s not that big.

That also doesn’t look that old. You’re telling me they kept updating this to mark the spot over time?

“X marks the spot.”

Wow, you’re a horrible teacher.

Colin:

Still, it’s a nice callback to what he was saying earlier. Most of the work you do is in a library, and X never marks the spot. He did this in Raiders, too, sounding all boring and then going back on what he said. This is what we all want to see. We want the hero to spout the same boring shit everyone else does, and then prove himself wrong.

The only thing that rubs me wrong here is that… hasn’t he been in enough situations where he knows that anything is possible on these adventures? That’s what always keeps me from fully loving this moment. So, in a way, he’s saying something knowing better that it isn’t true. Which makes me wonder why he’s saying it in the first place. Which brings me back to The Plot.

Colin:

I think he just says it out of denial. That’s why these movies are so fun, cause he’s REALLY just a professor who’s boring most of the time, but he gets really into it out in the field. Sorta like how Clark Kent is actually a nerd who doesn’t know what to say to women, and then when he’s Superman, he’s all suave and shit. It’s like Jones gets back to the classroom and reverts to teacher mode, where he’s just trying to be an educator. It’d be less fun if he was trying to convince all the students of how much intrigue and sex there is.

Time to desecrate a library!

Hell of a drug.

Colin:

What did he just blow out of that crack? That looked like Kirk Douglas jizz.

He’s turning 100 next December, by the way.

He’s a fucking BOSS.

While we’re here — because I do like to educate along the way…

Here’s a couple of Kirk Douglas movies everyone should see:

Ace in the Hole

The Bad and the Beautiful

Lonely Are the Brave

The List of Adrian Messenger

There Was a Crooked Man…

The Villain

I went from obvious to “What the hell is that?”

Colin:

I watched the first three for my list of movies that Mike put together for me.

I remember that day. Colin emails me at like, 9:30 am my time, which is right around the time he was going to bed in Japan, and just sort of off-handedly says, “I’m thinking about getting together a list of 500 essential movies that I need to see.” And sure enough, within six hours, I had that shit sent to him, comments and all, rating each of the choices from 1-3, “totally essential,” “mostly essential,” “Not as essential, but badass and better than some of the other boring shit.”

We tweaked it a bit over time, but essentially, at least 425-450 of the original movies stayed. I think there’s less than 30 left on there, too.

But anyway, Kirk Douglas made awesome movies.

Colin:

Also, Paths of Glory. Which, most people should have seen, or otherwise should see.

There are at least six more I could list that most people haven’t even heard of.

Start with those. They’re awesome, and he’s great in them.

Kirk Douglas has nothing to do with this movie, by the way.

How is no one paying attention to what they’re doing?

The only explanation for this is, “It’s Venice. Who the hell is in a library?”

Yeah, right, like that means anything.

That lady is in the extreme background and out of focus, but she’s already more period than Kate Capshaw.

This is a nice little gag. Don’t think too much into it, but it works.

Colin:

This is acceptably stupid. It’s playful, and the way they do the cuts, it works.

Totally fucked up that they’re doing this.

He’s really selective about what is sacred and what isn’t.

Colin:

That’s the great thing about him and Connery. He’s not there yet, he’s still into the adventure. Connery’s freaking out about stuff breaking. And then he gets that way later on.

That’s all right, I’m sure that wasn’t hundreds of years old marble.

And somehow they just built over this without investigating?

Colin:

It’s a converted church. They didn’t build over it, they just renovated the interior. But the fucked up part is, when they turned the church into a library, they just sealed up whatever door there might have been to the tombs.

“Lower me down.”

She’s way too excited about this.

I bet that gives him the biggest double boner (intellectual and… normal).

The gay archaeologist.

What kind of shoes are those?

Colin:

Okay, so…skull floor. Not a great start.

That’s how you know she’s evil. She’s standing on skulls and smiling.

Just like Lana Turner.

They should stand here and argue over something inane for like two minutes while she has to overcome some kind of eel or something down here.

The beauty of a moment like that is that, while it’s funny that they’re arguing and not helping her, she would prove to be capable on her own. So we get the best of both without sacrificing a character.

Like that moment in Ocean’s, where they forget the batteries, and Yen has to unstick his bandaged hand before the door blows up. It’s funny. And also has tension to it.

Colin:

That’s exactly the moment. And then you get to have a Chinese man yell, “What the fuck?!”

Doesn’t even have the outfit on yet.

Also, again, really weird they just built over this like it was nothing. What tile guy is like, “Hmm… look at all those skeletons… meh”?

Also, remember when suspenders were a thing?

What is she, a child?

Remember the 30s? Everyone had a lighter on them.

Colin:

Old shit is cool.

Oh man, I miss fezzes.

Colin:

Why were these guys upstairs this whole time? Have they been waiting in the library since before everyone got here? Why?

Can’t get enough of that Brontë.

Colin:

Said nobody cool, ever.

I’m sure someone’s said it. Just to try to sound less… Austen-tatious.

Somehow Marcus pays no attention at all.

What’s he doing here, again?

Colin:

Oh, they got the shifty music.

Marcus, you got knocked the FUCK OUT.

Colin:

Mama said KNOCK YOU OUT

Mama also probably said, “Marone, stop running through the house with your shoes on!”

Italian mothers don’t give a FUCK.

BODY BEING DRAGGED OUT OF FRAME!

People get knocked out real easy in films. What’s the science on that? Concussion? Not a concussion? Because I’d like to see the realistic effects of that just once. Even if it’s a guy who’s still fucked up and woozy and suffering the aftereffects later in the movie from being knocked out earlier. Sometimes it’s the little things that make things unique.

Colin:

Yeah, I don’t know how to knock people out, which might be a problem in the future.

BUNK COFFINS!

We’ve all been there.

“What’s this one?”

“The Ark of the Covenant.”

“Are you sure?”

“Pretty sure.”

Colin:

That’s such a throwaway line, and yet, it’s SO GREAT. They put in the ark leitmotif and you can tell that it’s the same shape and everything. “Are you sure?” “Pretty sure.” And then there’s no more attention called to it. If you didn’t see Raiders, it wasn’t obtrusive, and if you did see it, you were like, “Yeah!” That’s what references need to be.

But not too many of them. You can only do that so many times before you’re jerking yourself off.

Olmec had a stroke.

Petrified jizz ropes.

X marks the spot.

She wants to fuck him.

Finesse.

What if that were the foundation to the building?

Colin:

What made you just decide to bust through a stone wall? What made you think you could do that? It worked, but if I need to get through a stone wall, I’m getting a sledgehammer. You can’t just bust it up like it was a chiffarobe or something.

+1 for the perfect use of chiffarobe.

Also, you know what this reminds me of?

That one night that’s responsible for like five separate stories. Which conveniently was also Colin’s birthday, in the middle of it. I’m sure we’ve told it. But the “charge 211” moment, where Shiho just decided to burst through his own doorway, and would have killed anyone standing on the other side of it.

That was a fun night.

And I’m sure a memorable birthday for Colin.

Colin:

I cleaned up vomit that night. It wasn’t mine.

Apparently rocks are just like puzzle pieces.

That’s the end of this suit.

“Petroleum. I should sink a well down here and retire.”

I’m sure absolutely no one would have a problem with that.

Colin:

Italy was an oil-producing country?

The term greasy wop didn’t just come about out of nowhere.

Must have sucked sleeping in that bunk.

These stone bunks is how I assume Zion was for a long time.

Corpse desecration.

Colin:

Fuck this dead guy who’s been here for a thousand years! I’m not going back for a flashlight.

And he’s gonna light it on fire.

Colin:

Am I crazy? Shouldn’t she not be holding that lighter like that over a river of PETROLEUM? Shouldn’t he not be holding that enormous bone torch that we see dropping bits of flame here and there?

Bone torch.

Bone torch ‘n harmony.

I love these skeleton bunk beds. I love the idea of people sleeping inside the walls.

Colin:

Kinda like the capsule hotels in Japan. You pay like $40, and you sleep in a tiny area recessed into the wall.

That sounds amazing.

Then again, I’m someone who wants a house built into the side of a hill or something.

“Oh, rats.”

Colin:

Who says that? “Oh, rats.”

Ba dum chish!

That’s like, a serious rat problem. What are they eating down here?

Must be each other, right?

Just dumping skeletons all over the place. I’m sure that wasn’t Michelangelo.

Didn’t ask for permission there.

Colin:

I usually use a bag if I have to pick up Doody.

Silhouette.

These guys would make a great band.

Great location.

STEPPED ON A RAT!

I love this. That’s how you know they used real rats and didn’t CGI it. Now they’d CG it and just put rats around where they step. Here, you can tell, the rats are real and they have to not step on them or else they get the animal rights assholes all up in their shit.

Colin:

And it’s more disgusting.

Colin:

They are so gonna bang.

When you gotta take a shit in the middle of a date.

Hey baby, ever fuck in a sewer full of rats?

Colin:

This was always the most troubling part for me. You’re gonna just step down into a bunch of petroleum and soak yourself while holding a torch? Also, what if there’s some nasty shit down there? Also, wouldn’t it have been hilarious if there was a sudden step that he didn’t know about and just fell down and torched everything? But they’re both okay so whatever.

Not to mention — that skeleton bone is pretty old. What if it broke off?

So these coffins are just chilling in a whole compartment of oil.

All right.

Now… I’m no chemist, but if there’s petroleum down there, and he’s using a bone with a t-shirt around it to light on fire, pieces of that are going to fall off. And when that hits the petroleum, pretty sure that’s gonna burn them all to shit. Just saying.

They look like they’re doing the Arab Money dance.

Colin:

Holy shit, yes. And given that this was a tomb for Crusaders, that’s an appropriate image.

See? That is fire falling onto oil right now.

Colin:

“It’s this one,” she said, as the torch dripped flames into the river of petroleum.

I see you’ve read my Indiana Jones fanfic.

That’s just before things get steamy.

So who are all the other guys buried here?

Just casually throw the lid aside. Why not? Not like this isn’t already one of the biggest archaeological finds of all time.

When your mom tries to wake you up for school.

Colin:

Surprise dead guy.

Hold my torch, bitch.

Colin:

They’re gonna bang.

Sure, because he had that important shit engraved right on his shield. Just in case.

How long do you think it took to engrave that?

And what’s on the other side?

I hope it’s a picture of peasants fucking.

Colin:

Ugh. Peasants fucking. Which, they did. Peasants are unpleasant.

“The shield is the second marker!”

You’re sweating copiously.

Colin:

Couldn’t they have put it on TOP of the coffin or something so you wouldn’t have to pop open this dead guy box to get the thing you wanted to leave behind?

Pop Open This Dead Guy Box

“Just like your father.”

Is a disturbing line when you know what you know about her later.

“Wouldn’t it be wonderful if he were here now to see this?”

You mean, if you didn’t kidnap him in order to lure his son here?

“He never would have made it past the rats. He hates rats.”

Weird how the entire family has one irrational fear. But only one.

Colin:

I’m actually kinda on board with both of those fears. I don’t mind ONE snake, especially a pet snake, and a pet rat is fine too (although in both instances you aren’t popular with ladies) but rivers of either are no good.

1634 Racine?

He’d have been played by Eli Wallach 40 years ago.

Because he was one of those guys who was of indeterminate race.

Colin:

Pretty much, yeah. Olive-skinned. Anthony Quinn. He’s Mexican! He’s Greek! He’s Arab!

I FUCKING TOLD YOU!

Colin:

These clearly Middle Eastern guys are gonna kill you now.

He looks like Sacha Baron Cohen.

Soft focus.

Also, way to unbutton that shirt for the dead guys.

Colin:

I hope rats were harmed in the making of this film.

Crazy how soft this focus is.

Goddamn, you people don’t care about artifacts at all.

Maybe they’ll bang under the coffin while covered in petroleum. That’s sexy, right?

Yeah, sure, get underneath. It’s not like there’s petroleum under there either.

Colin:

That doesn’t seem smart either.

That is not an attractive look for her.

Colin:

I hope he gave her a little tickle. Can you open your eyes in gasoline or kerosene or whatever this is?

I think the question is, is she kero-seeing anything right now?

“Don’t wander off.”

That looks mostly like water. Guess it’s just a light level of petroleum on top.

Also a great thing to say — “Don’t wander off… from underneath the coffin that’s lit on fire on the other side,” and then disappear under the water.

This is how you exit a one night stand.

Did they chew through stone that fast? Or was it already weak from years of water damage?

Colin:

That’s a wood coffin, no? It’s floating.

Then they should be on fire right now.

Rats.

“I think I found a way out. Deep breath.”

Colin:

How do you find a way out of that? But whatever, the film goes on. Also, you’d think this enormous gas fire would be alerting people outside in some way.

That’s it?

“I think I found a way out.” *cut to them being out*

Well, give them credit for not wasting time with bullshit.

That looks like Lady Gaga back there, wearing the Hamburglar outfit.

That also looks like Steve Carell in old person makeup.

And Steve Carell as the Italian waiter.

By the way, guys — I don’t know if you’ve noticed this — but I’m really good at this game.

Colin:

I was just scoping Stephen Baldwin the sailor.

Robert Pattinson in the white suit is also demanding some attention.

This is a great way to make an entrance in any scene.

You either have to do it super high profile, or stealth ninja-like and no one notices.

“Ah… Venice.”

Colin:

This is where you expect to see Fred and Ginger having coffee or something.

I like the Ah… Venice. The only other thing that would have worked is, “This isn’t where I parked my car.”

How did you know they got out?

Colin:

I like an assassin who wears flowers.

More people should wear flowers.

So much better than leaving them in water.

Grow flowers or wear flowers.

That’s what I always say.

They’re covered in oil.

Also, I see some booty at that angle.

Also a great image. People being chased through an outdoor restaurant. I love when bystanders have no idea what’s going on.

Jackass used to do that stuff. You’d see people at a cafe, and then some guy would run past, half naked, being chased by a gorilla.

That’s comedy.

Colin:

A lot of that in Bond movies. Chases through cities and stuff.

One of those boats has wheels under it.

Colin:

Fuck you, Roger Moore.

Them’s some nice ass boats you got there, Venice.

Why does Venice look so vaguely Middle Eastern? I’m guessing this has something to do with history.

Colin:

It does share a sea with North Africa and the Middle East.

Please jump and miss.

There’s no way you should miss.

Good. You didn’t miss.

Colin:

That wasn’t exactly a tally-ho, but I’m still calling it impressive.

Tally boat!

I love side shots of boats zooming across the water.

I love a good on-boat tackle.

Especially when people are tackled off boats into water.

Colin:

Those boats are SWEET. I don’t even love boats, but man, these are awesome boats. They go for crazy money now, too.

Nice angle.

“You motherfucker…”

Colin:

I think this is the moment when I knew that this woman was the keeper you can’t keep. She’s clearly a psycho, but there’s something really hot about a woman who gets shot at and turns around seething instead of freaking out.

I love these shots.

You wonder why Timothy Dalton never did anything like this.

Guess he was too busy crying over unimportant subordinates.

Colin:

You really hate him for that. I didn’t love it, but I’m also like, 90 PERCENT of Roger Moore stuff in sum outweighs it.

It’s easy to hate Roger Moore, but you can’t get irrationally angry at what he did. It’s just weak, and ridiculous at times. It’s fun having irrational hatred toward that moment, and I’m gonna keep milking it, because it’s funny to me.

Why does the water cinematography look crisper than the rest of the cinematography?

“Are you crazy? You don’t go between them.”

He should not be wearing a suit.

Though I guess he technically hasn’t started the adventure yet.

“Go between them? Are you crazy?”

Colin:

He-said-she-said nonsense.

Did you know little boats can do that?

Because anchors — not really that useful.

Lot of water in this movie so far.

Wow, he hit the water fast. That was awesome.

What are those things on the right?

Are they supposed to be there in 1938?

Colin:

These kinds of scenes are always an issue. Docks and boats and stuff. I was watching Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy, and the scene at the docks is the only place where I noticed a conspicuously new vehicle. The whole movie is perfect, and then there’s this new BMW chilling in the back of a wide shot. And that kills it for anyone who’s watching. You know they saw it during editing and just had to hope nobody would notice. And I did.

Colin:

His face is so great here. It’s the same face he has later when the plane’s rudder gets shot up. “Oh, shit, what’s going on here? What do I do now?”

Grab those ropes, hop up. Be a badass.

Those look like giant measuring spoons.

Wouldn’t you get the idea to stop, as the ships close in?

They only saw Venice!

Gotta cut in close to henchmen before they die violently.

Gotta put their hands up. Otherwise how would you know?

That’s the boat’s dickhole.

Yup.

Well those boats are no good.

Colin:

I didn’t really think that would happen like that, but I guess it got squeezed?

Love cargo ships too. Love the idea of all those giant crates.

Great action sequences.

Look at this guy’s fucking face.

Know what would also be a cool sequence? Panama canal. How it has all those chambers where the water is let in or taken out. That would make for a great action sequence.

“No time to lose. Suck my dick.”

Colin:

Yeah, that’s right. Put her head down. Keep it there.

You think they got those because they raised the Defense Subcommittee budget?

That’s probably not good.

At all.

Lot of propeller deaths in this franchise.

Damn shame to be destroying those boats.

He just completely left her to die.

This boat is so nice.

Even with all that Doody in it.

Okay, I see you, high angle shot.

“Why are you trying to kill us?”

“Because you’re looking for the Holy Grail.”

Well that was easy.

What if he’s like, “Okay, I’ll stop looking,” and the other guy was like, “Cool. We’re all good then,” and then they went and got tacos?

Colin:

I’m actually now interested to know what the taco situation in 1938 Venice might have been.

Where’s dad?

I like when people threaten other people with mutual death.

“If you don’t let go, Dr. Jones, we’ll both die.”

“Then we’ll die.”

“My soul is prepared. How’s yours?”

You are terrible at bluffs.

“This is your last chance.”

“No, Dr. Jones. It’s yours.”

Colin:

This is a great moment. We always get this moment where two people are playing chicken, and it usually goes without dialogue. One person bests the other in some way, and they get away. This is better.