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Fun with Franchises: Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989), Part III — “When Did Nazi Pussy Become Reprehensible?”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.

We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.

We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.

Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.

Right now, we’re doing the Indiana Jones franchise, and today is the third part of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - Title Card

We begin Part III putting clues together.

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Managed to get every part of it, huh? That’s nice.

Somehow didn’t get destroyed when you were under fire water too.

Or on that boat.

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Wait, what the fuck happened to you, Marcus? You’re just all right?

Colin:

Notice how there was no mention of him during any of the time they were on the run, either. He asks where his father is, but doesn’t stop to ask if they had killed Marcus, by any chance.

Also, way to look like you just went on a bender, Indy.

And why don’t hotels just provide you with decanted whiskey anymore?

Colin:

Or random old books. Look at this place. It’s awesome. I’d totally stay here. New hotels suck.

New hotels DO suck. It’s because they want that homogenized experience. Fuck that. Give me one of these any day.

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Anyway, Indy figures some shit out.

Over the river and through the woods, to grandmother’s house we go. Pretty sure that’s what the Grail tablet says.

Colin:

Exposition that you don’t need to listen to. We didn’t know where the grail was, and now we do. And hopefully when we get there, we can tell the knight that we toppled his brother’s coffin into a river of burning petroleum.

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Apparently Dad had a map. He knew everything except where to begin.

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And now they do.

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Right along the dick stem of this valley.

Colin:

I think we all know how green it was.

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He tells Marcus to get a hold of Sallah.

I guess we’re not gonna save the reveal. That must be a more recent thing.

“What about you?”

FUCKING REALLY?

“I’m going after Dad.”

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No you ain’t. You’re going after that Doody hole.

Also, this hallway looks exactly like the one in Charade.

Colin:

What a great fucking movie that is. I love that movie.

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Oh, this was his room. He looks like a fun drunk.

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Ransack sounds like a German word, too.

Colin:

I like this song.

Ja, ja, ja, ja ♫

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Naturally, she didn’t hear a thing.

Colin:

Nice robe, there, Fraulein.

How is it possible she heard nothing. I think she’s… Frau-lying.

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“My room.”

WHAT?! This is the hotel’s room. What the fuck do you care? My STUFF. That’s more appropriate.

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“What were they looking for?”

“This.”

What if he pulled out his dick just then?

Colin:

Is this customary? You find out someone’s ransacked your room and then get pissed that the thing that they were looking for is safe and sound? Trust or not, this is pretty clearly her.

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“The Grail diary.”

Subtle. Real subtle.

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Nipples.

Colin:

Whoa. That’s not really subtle at all, is it?

Man the torpedoes, Indy. Full steam ahead.

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“You didn’t trust me?”

“I didn’t know you.”

You still don’t.

“At least I’m letting you tag along.”

So just cause her room got messed up too you trust her now? Or was it because of the near-death experience?

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“Oh yes. Give them a flower and they’ll follow you anywhere.”

I like that they’re at least trying to set her up as a worthy love interest.

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Well damn, that was fast.

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“Knock it off.”

Colin:

How much better is this than Temple? “I could have been your greatest adventure!” 

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“You’re not mad.”

“No?”

“No. You like the way I do things.”

“It’s lucky I don’t do things the same way. You’d still be standing at the Venice pier.”

Colin:

I love this. That’s not something the kids are going to understand. 

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“What do you think is going on here? Since I met you, I’ve nearly been incinerated, drowned, shot at and chopped into fish bait.”

That’s the most romantic thing he’s ever said to anybody.

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“We’re caught in the middle of something sinister here. My guess is Dad found out more than he was looking for. And until I’m sure, I’m going to continue to do things the way I think they should be done.”

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And that includes sexual assault.

Indiana Jones and the Mythical Clitoris.

Colin:

It’s time for another episode of Hard Love or Soft Rape? Don’t hate me, it was Hollywood’s idea.

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Totally Amber Heard.

“How dare you kiss me?”

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All right.

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That’s what’s known as the Blitzkrieg.

I’m torn if this is good or not. Technically he assaulted her, and she’s like, “How dare you assault me? I decide if I’m gonna kiss you.” And then she kisses him. So in a way, she’s not mad that he assaulted her, because she wanted it.

Colin:

It’s a control thing. I’ve been there before. To a guy, it’s all the same. There’s a kiss. To her, there’s HIM kissing HER and HER kissing HIM. 

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“Leave me alone. I don’t like fast women.”

But he does like ‘em loose.

Colin:

As a kid, I didn’t know what fast women were. Turns out he’s wrong. They’re not bad.

I don’t know if he’s wrong, per se. I think it’s more, different strokes for different folks.

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“And I hate arrogant men.”

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I have nothing to say except — these faces.

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Colin:

This is where we won’t make any Doody hole jokes.

Despite the gaping opportunity.

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Random cut to a gondola. Naturally.

Colin:

I see white people walking around in clothes like that, and I expect that most racists probably think this is the way things really used to be, before all the minorities showed up with their casual wear.

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The gondola means insertion, right?

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“Ah, Venice.”

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Very Bond.

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Speaking of Bond. This map stuff is straight out of Goldfinger.

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Were there really enough gas stations along the way to make that trip?

Colin:

We’re talking Europe. Totally enough gas stations. They were all about long distance driving and racing, all the way back to WWI.

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Wide shots with lightning. Harkening back to the good one.

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She looks like Nazi Geena Davis.

Colin:

Castles are awesome. I gotta get me one of those. And this is a stripey-door castle. My favorite.

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“What do you know about this place?”

Not much. She blew Goebbels here once. And that it’s 16th century.

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That face.

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“What are you going to do?”

The blue and green out the window is nice.

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That face.

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“Don’t know. I’ll think of something.”

I mean, really. Don’t you know who he is?

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He made her up to look like Maureen O’Hara in The Quiet Man.

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It worked.

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Love the arched doorway. More of those.

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He’s Scottish now. Connery must have loved that.

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“Don’t take that tone with me, my good man. Now buttle off and tell Baron Brunwald that Lord Clarence MacDonald and his lovely assistant are here to view the tapestries.”

Colin:

I love that in those days, with no communications and long traveling times, you could show up out of the blue in the middle of the night and it would be totally plausible. Like, “We made bad time and caught dysentery along the way and all that, but here we are. It’s 10pm, let’s view some fucking tapestries!”

One of the reasons the action movie is lacking nowadays. Phones solve too many problems.

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Wow, they really went for The Quiet Man here.

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That dude is a mix of John Gielgud and Werner Herzog.

(By the way, guys, I’m really good at this.)

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“Tapestries?”

“Dear me, the man is dense. This is a castle, isn’t it? There are tapestries?”

Colin:

Does he not know her? She hangs out here, doesn’t she? Or is this her first time here?

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“This is a castle. And we have many tapestries. But if you’re a Scottish lord, then I am Mickey Mouse.”

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“How dare he?!”

Anyone else see the PA walk past the door just there?

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Connery would also approve.

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Colin:

This is ridiculous, but whatever. A small blemish.

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I want a big ass table with a giant map on it. Double points if it has soldiers and ships and stuff that I can push around with a little stick.

Colin:

I love these things, but you also have to imagine that there aren’t TOO many opportunities to push stuff around. Every one of those things on that table gets moved once a week, tops. Unless they’re predicting contingencies. Like, I move here, and that slimy bastard’ll probably go THERE. 

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“Nazis. I hate these guys.”

Colin:

YES. And we love that line. What a perfect line. It’s so over the top, and yet…you need it addressed.

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Someone’s gonna get hurricaned in the face.

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And it’s gonna be her.

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“This one, I think. He’s in here.”

“How do you know?”

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Because there’s a big sign on the door that says, “He’s in here.”

“It’s wired.”

Colin:

Isn’t that a smart frock you have on.

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“Don’t worry. This is kid’s play. I’ll be right back.”

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Why not just go right into the other one? Is it wired for alarm or to monitor what he says? Because I’m not really sure what this is accomplishing.

Colin:

It’s wired so you know when the door opens and closes.

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Nice shot.

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This is how I end all my one night stands.

Colin:

Breaking out the whip! Yeah! I never got how it just stays, though.

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Lotta stripes on this castle.

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Exactly how I end my one night stands.

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Such grace.

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Silhouette!

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Faces.

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“Junior?”

CONNERY!

The joke being here that Spielberg always said James Bond was the father of Indiana Jones.

It’s great casting all around, but I’m curious to see what would have happened if their second choice, Gregory Peck, got the part.

Colin:

What a great way to introduce this character. Bang with the vase, and then, “…Junior?”

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“Yes, sir.”

Efficiently shows their relationship.

Colin:

I don’t get why people don’t love this movie for this relationship.

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“It is you, Junior!”

“Don’t call me that, please.”

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“What are you doing here?”

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“I came to get you, what do you think?”

I thought he was here for the tapestries. What else?

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“Late fourteenth century Ming dynasty. Oh, it breaks the heart.”

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“And the head. You hit me, Dad.”

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“I’ll never forgive myself.”

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“Don’t worry, I’m fine.”

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This is a great scene. Especially when you consider they’re stopping in the middle of an escape to do this.

What was his escape… oh fuck it.

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“Thank God.”

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“It’s a fake!”

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“See, you can tell – with the cross-section.”

Colin:

And the whole cares-more-about-junk-than-his-child thing, which is key. They did this in a matter of 30 seconds. It took Transformers 4 like 20 minutes.

And twelve product placements.

Because of this movie, late fourteenth-century Ming dynasty vase sales skyrocketed.

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They hired Tom Stoppard to come in and rewrite all of Connery’s dialogue, specifically the scenes with him and Ford. They paid him 120 grand for this. And because he did it so well (and Spielberg claimed that every line of dialogue between them was written by Stoppard), they gave him another million after the film came out as a bonus.

Colin:

That’s a nice bonus. That’s a bonus that’s eight times larger than the price. That’s like, corrupt CEO bonus money. Where the salary is nice and low for the official report and then the bonus is massive.

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“Well I’m sorry about your head, though. I thought you were one of them.”

He sounded exactly like Walter Brennan when he said that. Holy shit. Like, exactly.

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“Dad, they come in through the doors.”

And they’re about to. Maybe think about leaving.

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“Good point. But better safe than sorry. So I was wrong this time, but I wasn’t wrong when I mailed you my diary. You obviously got it.”

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“I got it and I used it. We found the entrance to the catacombs.”

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“I knew it.”

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“And the tomb of Sir Richard?”

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“Found it.”

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“He was actually there? You saw him?”

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“Well, what was left of him.”

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“And his shield? The inscription on Sir Richard’s shield?”

“Alexandretta.”

Colin:

Don’t you love giving someone the answer to the question they’re getting to before they get to it? “So how long have you been playing the harpsic—“ “Eight and a half inches.”

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Jesus, Connery.

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“Junior, you did it.”

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“No, Dad, you did.”

“If only I could have been there.”

I don’t have a whole lot to say about this scene. Because, as is the case with most scenes between the two of them, it works perfectly.

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“What did the Nazis want with you, Dad?”

“They wanted my diary. I knew I had to get that book away from me as far as I could.”

So mail it to the fucking government. You son is not as far as you can get it away from you.

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“Yeah…”

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“Dr. Jones.”

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“Yes?”

“Yes?”

Nice.

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“I will take the book now.”

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“What book?”

Always great to share a knowing look and then deny.

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“You have the diary in your pocket.”

Somehow he knows exactly where it is. Not suspicious at all.

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“You think my son would be that stupid?”

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Reaction shots are the key to comedy.

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“You did!”

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“I should have mailed it to the Marx brothers! Why do you think I sent it home in the first place?”

“I came here to save you!”

“And who’s gonna come here to save you, Junior?”

Colin:

I love when Sean Connery gets angry. And that highland comes out.

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“I told you—”

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Ever get so mad about your nickname that you killed three people?

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“Don’t call me Junior.”

Colin:

I want to call this out for being gratuitous, with the line being finished after he mows down some Nazis, but if it were me, I’d probably pull something mid-sentence for the sake of surprise too.

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“Look what you did!”

Colin:

If you love this movie, you know and use that inflection regularly.

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“I can’t believe what you did.”

Colin:

I can’t believe how much I love that line.

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Meanwhile…

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“Put down the gun, Dr. Jones.”

This was abrupt.

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Connery has some great faces in this.

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Oh, I love how he uses silhouettes.

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“But she’s one of them. She’s a Nazi.”

Colin:

More shadows. This looks amazing.

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“What?”

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 721

“Trust me.”

It’s the tone. When someone uses that tone, they know.

Colin:

This is something to discuss. And despite your daddy issues, he is your father and he does know her. You can always get more pussy.

You Can Always Get More Pussy

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“I will kill her.”

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“Yeah? Go ahead.”

I fucking LOVE how he plays this.

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“No! Don’t shoot.”

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“Don’t worry, he won’t.”

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He’s always put in these games of chicken.

And he never wins.

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I don’t get why he wouldn’t allow him to shoot her. I mean, yeah, he thinks she’s innocent, but why would he kill her randomly unless he knows Jones is emotionally attached?

The question is — why is he so emotionally attached? I thought there were a lot of Marys.

Colin:

Sometimes there’s a special one. In fact, for this kind of character, there are a lot of Marys BECAUSE every once in a while there’s a special one. That’s the Bond thing. One or two special ones, and a bevy of bitches when those don’t work out.

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Colin:

I like it when glass breaks unnecessarily.

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“I’m sorry.”

Colin:

She’s got that just-been-fucked hair.

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“Don’t be.”

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He’s got that just-been-fucked look.

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“But you should have listened to your father.”

There’s always a but.

And that’s where the Doody comes from.

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Colin:

And as a kid, I was like, “WHHAAAAAAAAAAA?” This may be why I associate sex with betrayal. Among other reasons.

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Nice lighting on the hair.

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KHANNNN!!!!!!!!!!

Tune in next week for another episode of I Fucked a Nazi.

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Is that a Monty Python reference back there?

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“She ransacked her own room and I fell for it.”

And now you’re in deep Doody.

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“How did you know she was a Nazi?”

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“She talks in her sleep.”

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This reaction wins everything.

Colin:

This is my favorite exchange in the movie. C’mon. “She talks in her sleep.” And as a kid, I took that to mean that Nazis all talked in their sleep. Until I was like 6, I never gave that a second thought. And then it was like, oh, so she gave away the Nazi stuff in her sleep. But why would he have heard that? And why is he now smiling. And now you see this and you’re like, “GET IT, SEAN!”

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“I didn’t trust her. Why did you?”

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“Because he didn’t take my advice.”

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Why, it’s old man Withers who runs the carnival downtown!

I did Nazi that coming.

Colin:

Two reveals in like 2 minutes! Just when you thought you had it straight.

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“Donovan.”

Thank you. I’d have called him, “Oh yeah, that rich white guy from earlier.”

Look at young Stallone Nazi back there.

And squinty Norton Nazi back there too.

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“I misjudged you, Walter. I knew you would sell your mother for an Etruscan vase. But I didn’t know you’d sell your country and your soul to the slime of humanity.”

Nazis… never the innocents.

Colin:

Nazis, the slime of humanity? Given that era’s racism, I’m trying to figure out what that makes the Japanese.

This is why all your diaries should be written in a fake language.

Colin:

Splorf!

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“Dr. Schneider, there are pages torn out of this.”

They’re called “abortions,” Walter.

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Colin:

Whoever carved that statue was a bastard.

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Did we need a doctor to look at it to confirm there are, in fact, pages torn out?

Colin:

Her hair got fixed awfully fast.

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Don’t look so smug.

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“Watch me turn this shit around.”

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“This book contained a map.”

How do you know?

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She really looks like Maureen O’Hara.

Anyway, she already knows what he did with the pages. Gave them to Marcus.

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“Marcus? You didn’t drag poor Marcus along, did you?”

This is where it would be handy to say, “Marcus just fucking came on his own! I don’t know why!”

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“He sticks out like a sore thumb. We’ll find him.”

“The hell you will.”

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“He’s got a two day head start on you, which is more than he needs. Brody’s got friends in every village and town from here to the Sudan.”

Colin:

Sudan is an interesting place to have friends.

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“He speaks a dozen languages and knows every local custom. He’ll blend in, disappear, you’ll never see him again.”

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“With any luck, he’s got the Grail already.”

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 770

The other key to comedy.

Colin:

I’ve always wanted to describe someone like this. This is such a badass description of a person. And then the cut to him just helpless.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 771

This looks like it was shot on the back lot.

Colin:

If you want a place to look ethnic in your movie, add people holding chickens. 

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 772

SALLAH!

Look at that fucking tie.

Colin:

John Rhys-Davies, you are a treasure. I know people who do this, too. This Pakistani guy I know in Tokyo, he’ll walk up to you, pat you up and down to make sure you aren’t just an inflatable person and then he shakes your hand like six times over the course of a two minute conversation. And like this, I’ll bump into him randomly all over the place. Tokyo’s a metropolis of 35 million people, and I never see people I know on the street, and this guy just appears out of thin air. Others have corroborated this.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 773

He’s got the map.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 774

And a Nazi young Tom Cruise bodyguard.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 775

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Right, though?

Colin:

I’m pretty sure the heel click is done for the rest of history, wouldn’t you say?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 777

Sallah knows some shit is up immediately.

Colin:

The Nazis were snappy dressers.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 778

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 779

“Papers, please.”

Colin:

There it is again, that “papers” line.

“Papers? Of course!”

Colin:

The museum sent a car, and they need to see his papers? Why does that make sense? THEY’RE the foreigners.

Speaking of sticking out like a sore thumb, why are the Nazis wearing BLACK?

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“Ha ha… run.”

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 781

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 782

“Here. Just finished reading it myself.”

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 783

“Run!”

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 784

“Egyptian mail. Morning edition.”

Sallah’s the best.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 785

“Run!”

Colin:

Another great exchange. This movie is full of these gems.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 786

“Run!”

Colin:

Punch someone through a newspaper. Added to my bucket list.

Did you ever hear the story of John Wayne drinking with Ward Bond? The two of them were best friends. Roommates together at USC. Constant drinking buddies. One time, they’re getting hammered, and Bond bets him they could stand on opposite sides of a newspaper and Wayne won’t be able to hit him. So he puts a newspaper down in a doorway and they stand on either side of it. And then Bond slams the door in Wayne’s face. And he shouts, “Try to hit me now, you son of a bitch!” And then Wayne just went ahead and punched through the door.

Those guys must have had a lot of fun.

Another great story, because this is exactly the kind of thing I want to do to people — John Ford (who was also great friends with the two of them), would just talk shit about them all the time. Especially Ward Bond. Just loved laying into him. So when Ward Bond dies, Ford goes up to Andy Devine at the funeral and goes, “Now YOU’RE the biggest asshole I know.”

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 787

Weird angle change here.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 788

Colin:

I don’t know why, but the way he hops around timidly after knocking this dude out always makes me laugh. It’s the same way Chaplin would hop around a bit after knocking out someone way bigger than himself in a movie. Like he wasn’t expecting it to happen and isn’t cool enough to stand still. I’m thinking The Gold Rush.

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That face.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 790

And that one.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 791

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 792

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 793

How fucking great is this?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 794

And this.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 795

Nazi truck.

I like this, because it’s a play on jokes from the first and second movie.

Colin:

Just like the part in Raiders where all the dudes set up the market in front of the truck to throw off the Nazis, I’m super confused about how this happened. How did they find Marcus here? How did they find him in this part of the city? Why did they have a truck waiting to take him away if they were gonna put him in a hired car? Why is there a fake building front here that facilitated this plan? Why were the locals so keen on helping? Did they have other trucks and traps laid around the town in case he decided to run somewhere that wasn’t the back of THIS truck?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 796

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I really like this shot. First, Sallah jumping up and down, ready to fight, then the Nazi truck gag happening, and then the pull away to reveal basically desert behind them. It’s a clear western shot. Where you see just how little separates them from vast emptiness.

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Anyway, back to them.

Colin:

That doesn’t look too tight.

If I had a nickel…

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She’s gotta go back to Berlin.

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And she’s taking the diary.

Colin:

Good. More expository dialogue that doesn’t add anything unnecessary and sets up everything to come. They’re not wasting time here.

I guess it’s a good thing that we don’t have much to add here. It means the movie isn’t doing too many annoying things.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 802

What’s with the wheel of swords?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 803

“Don’t look at me like that. We both wanted the Grail. I would have done anything to get it. You would have done the same.”

That’s nice. I only banged you for the Jesus cup.

Colin:

I Only Banged You For The Jesus Cup

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 804

“I’m sorry you think so.”

Was that not the truth?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 805

Colin:

She is fine. That’s what makes this difficult.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 806

That smile was sexy as hell.

Colin:

That smile. This is so much more convincingly 30s than Temple of Doom was.

Am I the only one who sees Amber Heard?

Colin:

I see her, but I also see a major difference. There’s something different about Doody.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 807

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 808

I bet the screen direction for that was, “She slithers over to his ear.” Because how the fuck else could you explain that?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 809

“I can’t forget how wonderful it was.”

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 810

“Thank you. It was rather wonderful.”

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 811

Colin:

Sean Connery wins at life.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 812

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 813

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 814

Think about how well every moment with the two of them plays.

And now think of Kate Capshaw.

I hope you found meaning in this exercise.

Colin:

Some people genuinely prefer that movie, and others think this was bad. And those people have confused things.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 815

Well this is weird.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 816

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 817

“That’s how Austrians say goodbye.”

Colin:

Hitler was Austrian.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 818

Why are you so upset? Pussy’s pussy.

Colin:

You have to wonder, in real life, when Nazi pussy became morally reprehensible. Like, when it crossed the line.

That is one question we should take out of this? When Did Nazi Pussy Become Reprehensible?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 819

“My turn, sugar.”

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 820

“This is how we say goodbye in Germany, Dr. Jones.”

Pretty fucked up how he throws him into a shower block here.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 821

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 822

Colin:

Germans don’t really look super great in this movie.

They aren’t portrayed any better, either.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 823

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 824

Punch a guy in the face and then stroll away.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 825

“I like the Austrian way better.”

“So did I.”

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 826

“Let’s try to get these ropes loose. We gotta get to Marcus before the Nazis do.”

Did they leave no one to watch them?

Are they just gonna leave them chilling in this castle?

Colin:

That does seem questionable. This is 1938. There are Nazi flunkies for watching people.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 827

“You said he had two days’ start. That he would blend in. Disappear.”

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 828

“Are you kidding? I made that up. You know Marcus got lost once in his own museum.”

Colin:

Lost in his own museum. That takes a special kind of hopeless.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 829

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 830

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 831

His lucky charm.

My lucky charm would be a bottle opener.

Colin:

I don’t have a lucky charm, but I would want it to be a small person.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 832

Nice job, Dad.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 833

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 834

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 835

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 836

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 837

Many tapestries.

Colin:

I love their shenanigans music. That is what this is, right? But really? You can’t hear all those flames? Just like spatial relationships, I have an issue when movie characters are shown to be unable to hear something simply because they can’t see it.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 838

“I’ve got to tell you something.”

“Don’t get sentimental now, Dad, save it for when we get out of here.”

“The floor’s on fire.”

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 839

Did you not hear all that happening?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 840

Change of plan.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 841

I’m sure if you fell over, something would break.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 842

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 843

That guy is totally Jerry Jones Nazi.

Colin:

You know who looks good in armbands? Nobody.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 844

Great way to read things.

Colin:

I hate people saying things in bad accents.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 845

They have Brody. So he can kill Indy and Dad.

You walked him all the way out to the car just to get the okay to kill them?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 846

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 847

“Dad.”

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 848

“What?”

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 849

“Dad!”

“What?!”

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 850

“Dad!!”

“What?!!”

Somehow even the old gags work here.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 851

“Head for the fireplace!”

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 852

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 853

Oh, sweet irony.

Colin:

It is the safest place in case of fire, for reference.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 854

Looks like those dudes are holding up the fireplace.

That’s a pretty shitty thing to carve there.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 855

“I think I can get these ropes off.”

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 856

Snakes.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 857

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 858

Was this just behind the fireplace the entire time? Does everyone else know that? What exactly does this room do?

Why didn’t someone unassumingly come outside to copy a file and notice her making out with them and then awkwardly scurry away?

Because that should have happened.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 859

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 860

Does no one hear anything happening behind them? I feel like you’d have heard the door swivel and all the fire outside.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 861

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 862

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 863

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 864

“Our situation has not improved.”

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 865

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 866

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 867

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 868

Is that Imelda Staunton Nazi?

Or Emily Watson Nazi?

Maybe little of column A, little of column B.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 869

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 870

Those fucking teeth!

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 871

HOLY SHIT!

Colin:

This woman needs to be shot. The smile, and then what sounds like “ALLAH!” until you hear some consonant at the end. Probably “alarm.”

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 872

Wow… Peyton Manning Nazi looks so happy to be there.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 873

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 874

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 875

You guys carry guns in a secret room behind a fireplace in a castle controlled by your side, where there’s like, 1% of a chance where anyone would ever come close enough to you to use them?

All right.

Colin:

This is how gun people are. Constant vigilance. 

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 876

Colin:

Have you ever seen a pistol that shoots tracer rounds? What was that about?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 877

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 878

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 879

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 880

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 881

How’d they do that so fast?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 882

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 883

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 884

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 885

Surprise, motherfuckers!

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 886

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 887

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 888

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 889

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 890

Aren’t you guys now trapped in there?

I mean, sure… fire… but… now what?

Colin:

Is that not a great gag? He disappears with the Nazi, then as it comes around, there’s just a dazed Nazi and he’s gone. It’s like that part in Oldboy when the guys show up in the elevator and then there’s the cut to him surrounded by knocked out dudes in the elevator. Also, he was stabbed.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 891

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 892

So those Nazis are dead.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 893

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 894

Fuhrer fire.

Colin:

You just left like five people, including a woman, to be burned alive. Well done there.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 895

These guys look like terrible Nazis.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 896

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 897

“Dead end.”

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 898

“There’s got to be a secret door.”

This place has an upstairs?

Colin:

I like that it’s right there, in-shot.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 899

“I find, that if I just sit down and think…”

Colin:

I want a castle so bad. I guess it’s dawn now? It was dark like 3 minutes ago.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 900

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 901

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 902

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 903

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 904

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 905

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 906

“The solution presents itself.”

Colin:

They do such good light slapstick.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 907

Why would you have that?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 908

Oh, I fucking LOVE this location.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 909

Boats, and crates — I want one of these in the back of my house. I want to be able to just hop on a boat and leave.

Imagine being able to make a pun so good you hopped on a boat docked behind your house and drove off into the sunset.

Colin:

That would be sweet. I want to live by a lake. 

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 910

What a shitty life preserver.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 911

“You say this has been just a typical day for you?”

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 912

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 913

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 914

“No!”

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 915

“Better than most.”

He got laid this time.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 916

“Come on!”

“What about the boat?”

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 917

“We’re not going on the boat!”

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 918

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 919

Did you guys not see them?

And can you not see that boat is empty?

Colin:

This is how hierarchical management works. They say to get in ze boats, you get in ze boats.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 920

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 921

Well maybe wait like, thirty more seconds before you do that. So they can actually get on the water first.

Colin:

Wouldn’t you want to wait until they were at least in the middle of the river before you revealed yourself? This way, they just get back out.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 922

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 923

This is like Donkey Kong Raceway.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 924

I love how there had to be two random Nazis there just to fall into the water.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 925

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 926

Colin:

Sidecars used to look cool. Have you seen one in the past 20 years? They look terrible.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 927

You fuckers got here fast.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 928

This is a proper action sequence.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 929

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 930

Goggles on, shit’s on.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 931

Colin:

Putting on the goggles makes you look 100 percent dorkier.

They’re not allowed to wear beanies.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 932

LOVE this shot. The low angle, the slight canted-ness of it. This is terrific.

Colin:

Low angle shots are always good. They tried to bring this back in Crystal Skull.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 933

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 934

Hey, remember when they repeated this exact same chase in the next movie?

Colin:

I don’t know who this guy thinks he is, taking the other road. But I agree. Let’s go that way. Maybe he’s packed a picnic or something. Can we just enjoy the last few years before the war REALLY starts?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 935

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 936

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 937

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 938

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 939

This is a funny sequence. Not a lot happens. Mostly they’re just maneuvering on bikes.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 940

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 941

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 942

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 943

These faces are great, because you can see him coming up with the plan on the fly.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 944

A little big for a Nazi, aren’t you?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 945

Mud.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 946

Colin:

This guy can ride. There are some majorly good motorcycle stunt guys. That was the one impressive thing about For Your Eyes Only. That bike chase in the snow and on the luge track. Holy shit.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 947

Is this a border?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 948

FUCK YOUR ROADBLOCK!

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 949

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 950

Chicken.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 951

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 952

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 953

Medieval Times!

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 954

Colin:

Why is he flagging down the other Nazis? Can’t you see there’s a chase going on? People need to be more on board with chase scenes.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 955

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 956

Mike Starr Nazi.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 957

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 958

Stabbing him would have been better. But okay.

Colin:

That guy wasn’t gonna be able to shoot anyway. But he’s toast.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 959

Love a riderless bike or horse shot.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 960

Look at that face.

Also, look at the guy in the back.

He’s about to turn into Hugo Weaving.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 961

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 962

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 963

How do you fuck that up?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 964

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 965

He’s shocked that they can actually ride.

That’s the look a hero would have if the henchmen were able to connect with bullets.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 966

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 967

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 968

Well shit, man. Just pop that wheelie.

Colin:

I’m not sure motorcycles of the time did that, but oh well. These are Hondas, if I’m not mistaken.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 969

That’s one way to try to kill them.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 970

Accurate expression.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 971

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 972

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 973

Nice framing.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 974

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 975

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 976

DUMMY!

Colin:

Oh, wow. That is amazing. I’m so glad we have these images.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 977

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 978

Colin:

And he’s probably dead. These movies have a proper body count. Which, I don’t remember that in Crystal Skull. But we’ll see.

All of the body count in those movies is off-screen. Unless they’re the villain.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 979

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 980

Oh nice, caught some grain on the film.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 981

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 982

Ooh, the double sly smile.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 983

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 984

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 985

Can’t win ’em all.

This is a good dynamic. Dad is all about the intellect and son is all about brute force, and dad disapproves of the way son does things.

Colin:

That’s a skill. Scowling so bad that it turns other people’s happiness into misery.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 986

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 987

It is working for the film, but… that’s a serious problem that you can’t admit your son did anything good.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 988

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 989

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 990

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 991

“You’re going the wrong way. We have to get to Berlin.”

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 992

“Brody’s this way.”

“My diary’s in Berlin.”

So fuck Brody.

Gotta get that paper.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 993

“We don’t need the diary, Dad. Marcus has the map.”

“There is more in the diary than just the map.”

Is Marcus in there too? Because he’s a person.

“All right, Dad. Tell me.”

Colin:

Age makes one prudent. I think that’s why I’m such an old bastard at the age of 25. Ford is ready to go find the map and get the grail like it ain’t shit. And Connery’s like, no – we have to get the rest of the stuff so you don’t get killed trying to score the grail.

Plus, I guess, the real reason is — we can’t let the Nazis have it. Because it might give them

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 994

“He who finds the Grail must face the final challenge.”

“What final challenge?”

“Three devices of such lethal cunning.”

“Booby traps?”

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 995

“Oh yes. But I found the clues that will safely take us through. In the chronicles of St. Anselm.”

“Well, what are they?”

Colin:

What’s that place behind them? I want to chill in random European places. I’m done with Japan.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 996

“Can’t you remember?”

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 997

“I wrote them down in my diary so that I wouldn’t have to remember.”

I can see why they wanted him for the Architect.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 998

“Half the German army’s on our tail and you want me to go to Berlin? Into the lion’s den?”

Colin:

He’s got a point. Going to Berlin in 1938 or whenever this is…not advisable.

“Yes. The only thing that matters is the Grail.”

“What about Marcus?”

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 999

“Marcus would agree with me!”

Colin:

He’d say “fuck Marcus” too?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1000

“Two selfless martyrs. Jesus Christ.”

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1001

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1002

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1003

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1004

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1005

“That’s for blasphemy.”

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1006

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1007

“The quest for the Grail is not archaeology. It’s a race against evil. If it is captured by the Nazis, the armies of darkness will march all over the face of the Earth.”

Why, exactly? It’s a cup.

Colin:

The stupid stones and the crystal skulls didn’t have this. You wanna make a good Indiana Jones movie? Some biblical artifact and Nazis trying to wield it. In that respect, Captain America was almost a better Indiana Jones film than Crystal Skull was.

It kinda was, though.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1008

“This is an obsession, Dad. I never understood it. Never.”

Says the guy who went after a cross after 20 years just because he couldn’t get it the first time.

Colin:

Oh, burn. The man has a point.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1009

“Neither did Mom.”

Aww… play the mom card.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1010

“Oh, yes she did. Only too well. Unfortunately, she kept her illness from me. And all I could do was mourn her.”

Colin:

Bringing up mom, which is usually off limits, but they cut it off so fast. I approve.

This is kinda fucked up. She didn’t bother telling him she was dying, just cause it would have taken away from his time ignoring her.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1011

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1012

Aww shit, the hat’s on.

Colin:

This moment, to me, is a major character moment. Like, this is what makes their relationship something more than a bolt-on extra trope in the larger context of the film. This is something I’ll have to get into during Final Thoughts, but this relationship is so much more effective in advancing plot and characters than any of the others that he has in these movies. This is one reason this sequel defies the curse and works.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1013

Simplicity.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1014

Choices.

Colin:

Isn’t it funny how plot makes things easy? The entire plot of Eurotrip is taken care of in this movie by a closeup on a wooden sign.

What’s the sign we can’t see?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1015

Well I wonder where the fuck we’re going, fade out.

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Tomorrow is Part IV, and the perils of not having proper blimp fare.

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

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