Fun with Franchises: Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989), Part III — “When Did Nazi Pussy Become Reprehensible?”
We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.
Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.
We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.
We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.
Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.
Right now, we’re doing the Indiana Jones franchise, and today is the third part of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.
We begin Part III putting clues together.
Managed to get every part of it, huh? That’s nice.
Somehow didn’t get destroyed when you were under fire water too.
Or on that boat.
Wait, what the fuck happened to you, Marcus? You’re just all right?
Colin:
Notice how there was no mention of him during any of the time they were on the run, either. He asks where his father is, but doesn’t stop to ask if they had killed Marcus, by any chance.
Also, way to look like you just went on a bender, Indy.
And why don’t hotels just provide you with decanted whiskey anymore?
Colin:
Or random old books. Look at this place. It’s awesome. I’d totally stay here. New hotels suck.
New hotels DO suck. It’s because they want that homogenized experience. Fuck that. Give me one of these any day.
Anyway, Indy figures some shit out.
Over the river and through the woods, to grandmother’s house we go. Pretty sure that’s what the Grail tablet says.
Colin:
Exposition that you don’t need to listen to. We didn’t know where the grail was, and now we do. And hopefully when we get there, we can tell the knight that we toppled his brother’s coffin into a river of burning petroleum.
Apparently Dad had a map. He knew everything except where to begin.
And now they do.
Right along the dick stem of this valley.
Colin:
I think we all know how green it was.
He tells Marcus to get a hold of Sallah.
I guess we’re not gonna save the reveal. That must be a more recent thing.
“What about you?”
FUCKING REALLY?
“I’m going after Dad.”
No you ain’t. You’re going after that Doody hole.
Also, this hallway looks exactly like the one in Charade.
Colin:
What a great fucking movie that is. I love that movie.
Oh, this was his room. He looks like a fun drunk.
Ransack sounds like a German word, too.
Colin:
I like this song.
♫ Ja, ja, ja, ja ♫
Naturally, she didn’t hear a thing.
Colin:
Nice robe, there, Fraulein.
How is it possible she heard nothing. I think she’s… Frau-lying.
“My room.”
WHAT?! This is the hotel’s room. What the fuck do you care? My STUFF. That’s more appropriate.
“What were they looking for?”
“This.”
What if he pulled out his dick just then?
Colin:
Is this customary? You find out someone’s ransacked your room and then get pissed that the thing that they were looking for is safe and sound? Trust or not, this is pretty clearly her.
“The Grail diary.”
Subtle. Real subtle.
Nipples.
Colin:
Whoa. That’s not really subtle at all, is it?
Man the torpedoes, Indy. Full steam ahead.
“You didn’t trust me?”
“I didn’t know you.”
You still don’t.
“At least I’m letting you tag along.”
So just cause her room got messed up too you trust her now? Or was it because of the near-death experience?
“Oh yes. Give them a flower and they’ll follow you anywhere.”
I like that they’re at least trying to set her up as a worthy love interest.
Well damn, that was fast.
“Knock it off.”
Colin:
How much better is this than Temple? “I could have been your greatest adventure!”
“You’re not mad.”
“No?”
“No. You like the way I do things.”
“It’s lucky I don’t do things the same way. You’d still be standing at the Venice pier.”
Colin:
I love this. That’s not something the kids are going to understand.
“What do you think is going on here? Since I met you, I’ve nearly been incinerated, drowned, shot at and chopped into fish bait.”
That’s the most romantic thing he’s ever said to anybody.
“We’re caught in the middle of something sinister here. My guess is Dad found out more than he was looking for. And until I’m sure, I’m going to continue to do things the way I think they should be done.”
And that includes sexual assault.
Indiana Jones and the Mythical Clitoris.
Colin:
It’s time for another episode of Hard Love or Soft Rape? Don’t hate me, it was Hollywood’s idea.
Totally Amber Heard.
“How dare you kiss me?”
All right.
That’s what’s known as the Blitzkrieg.
I’m torn if this is good or not. Technically he assaulted her, and she’s like, “How dare you assault me? I decide if I’m gonna kiss you.” And then she kisses him. So in a way, she’s not mad that he assaulted her, because she wanted it.
Colin:
It’s a control thing. I’ve been there before. To a guy, it’s all the same. There’s a kiss. To her, there’s HIM kissing HER and HER kissing HIM.
“Leave me alone. I don’t like fast women.”
But he does like ‘em loose.
Colin:
As a kid, I didn’t know what fast women were. Turns out he’s wrong. They’re not bad.
I don’t know if he’s wrong, per se. I think it’s more, different strokes for different folks.
“And I hate arrogant men.”
I have nothing to say except — these faces.
Colin:
This is where we won’t make any Doody hole jokes.
Despite the gaping opportunity.
Random cut to a gondola. Naturally.
Colin:
I see white people walking around in clothes like that, and I expect that most racists probably think this is the way things really used to be, before all the minorities showed up with their casual wear.
The gondola means insertion, right?
“Ah, Venice.”
Very Bond.
Speaking of Bond. This map stuff is straight out of Goldfinger.
Were there really enough gas stations along the way to make that trip?
Colin:
We’re talking Europe. Totally enough gas stations. They were all about long distance driving and racing, all the way back to WWI.
Wide shots with lightning. Harkening back to the good one.
She looks like Nazi Geena Davis.
Colin:
Castles are awesome. I gotta get me one of those. And this is a stripey-door castle. My favorite.
“What do you know about this place?”
Not much. She blew Goebbels here once. And that it’s 16th century.
That face.
“What are you going to do?”
The blue and green out the window is nice.
That face.
“Don’t know. I’ll think of something.”
I mean, really. Don’t you know who he is?
He made her up to look like Maureen O’Hara in The Quiet Man.
It worked.
Love the arched doorway. More of those.
He’s Scottish now. Connery must have loved that.
“Don’t take that tone with me, my good man. Now buttle off and tell Baron Brunwald that Lord Clarence MacDonald and his lovely assistant are here to view the tapestries.”
Colin:
I love that in those days, with no communications and long traveling times, you could show up out of the blue in the middle of the night and it would be totally plausible. Like, “We made bad time and caught dysentery along the way and all that, but here we are. It’s 10pm, let’s view some fucking tapestries!”
One of the reasons the action movie is lacking nowadays. Phones solve too many problems.
Wow, they really went for The Quiet Man here.
That dude is a mix of John Gielgud and Werner Herzog.
(By the way, guys, I’m really good at this.)
“Tapestries?”
“Dear me, the man is dense. This is a castle, isn’t it? There are tapestries?”
Colin:
Does he not know her? She hangs out here, doesn’t she? Or is this her first time here?
“This is a castle. And we have many tapestries. But if you’re a Scottish lord, then I am Mickey Mouse.”
“How dare he?!”
Anyone else see the PA walk past the door just there?
Connery would also approve.
Colin:
This is ridiculous, but whatever. A small blemish.
I want a big ass table with a giant map on it. Double points if it has soldiers and ships and stuff that I can push around with a little stick.
Colin:
I love these things, but you also have to imagine that there aren’t TOO many opportunities to push stuff around. Every one of those things on that table gets moved once a week, tops. Unless they’re predicting contingencies. Like, I move here, and that slimy bastard’ll probably go THERE.
“Nazis. I hate these guys.”
Colin:
YES. And we love that line. What a perfect line. It’s so over the top, and yet…you need it addressed.
Someone’s gonna get hurricaned in the face.
And it’s gonna be her.
“This one, I think. He’s in here.”
“How do you know?”
Because there’s a big sign on the door that says, “He’s in here.”
“It’s wired.”
Colin:
Isn’t that a smart frock you have on.
“Don’t worry. This is kid’s play. I’ll be right back.”
Why not just go right into the other one? Is it wired for alarm or to monitor what he says? Because I’m not really sure what this is accomplishing.
Colin:
It’s wired so you know when the door opens and closes.
Nice shot.
This is how I end all my one night stands.
Colin:
Breaking out the whip! Yeah! I never got how it just stays, though.
Lotta stripes on this castle.
Exactly how I end my one night stands.
Such grace.
Silhouette!
Faces.
“Junior?”
CONNERY!
The joke being here that Spielberg always said James Bond was the father of Indiana Jones.
It’s great casting all around, but I’m curious to see what would have happened if their second choice, Gregory Peck, got the part.
Colin:
What a great way to introduce this character. Bang with the vase, and then, “…Junior?”
“Yes, sir.”
Efficiently shows their relationship.
Colin:
I don’t get why people don’t love this movie for this relationship.
“It is you, Junior!”
“Don’t call me that, please.”
“What are you doing here?”
“I came to get you, what do you think?”
I thought he was here for the tapestries. What else?
“Late fourteenth century Ming dynasty. Oh, it breaks the heart.”
“And the head. You hit me, Dad.”
“I’ll never forgive myself.”
“Don’t worry, I’m fine.”
This is a great scene. Especially when you consider they’re stopping in the middle of an escape to do this.
What was his escape… oh fuck it.
“Thank God.”
“It’s a fake!”
“See, you can tell – with the cross-section.”
Colin:
And the whole cares-more-about-junk-than-his-child thing, which is key. They did this in a matter of 30 seconds. It took Transformers 4 like 20 minutes.
And twelve product placements.
Because of this movie, late fourteenth-century Ming dynasty vase sales skyrocketed.
They hired Tom Stoppard to come in and rewrite all of Connery’s dialogue, specifically the scenes with him and Ford. They paid him 120 grand for this. And because he did it so well (and Spielberg claimed that every line of dialogue between them was written by Stoppard), they gave him another million after the film came out as a bonus.
Colin:
That’s a nice bonus. That’s a bonus that’s eight times larger than the price. That’s like, corrupt CEO bonus money. Where the salary is nice and low for the official report and then the bonus is massive.
“Well I’m sorry about your head, though. I thought you were one of them.”
He sounded exactly like Walter Brennan when he said that. Holy shit. Like, exactly.
“Dad, they come in through the doors.”
And they’re about to. Maybe think about leaving.
“Good point. But better safe than sorry. So I was wrong this time, but I wasn’t wrong when I mailed you my diary. You obviously got it.”
“I got it and I used it. We found the entrance to the catacombs.”
“I knew it.”
“And the tomb of Sir Richard?”
“Found it.”
“He was actually there? You saw him?”
“Well, what was left of him.”
“And his shield? The inscription on Sir Richard’s shield?”
“Alexandretta.”
Colin:
Don’t you love giving someone the answer to the question they’re getting to before they get to it? “So how long have you been playing the harpsic—“ “Eight and a half inches.”
Jesus, Connery.
“Junior, you did it.”
“No, Dad, you did.”
“If only I could have been there.”
I don’t have a whole lot to say about this scene. Because, as is the case with most scenes between the two of them, it works perfectly.
“What did the Nazis want with you, Dad?”
“They wanted my diary. I knew I had to get that book away from me as far as I could.”
So mail it to the fucking government. You son is not as far as you can get it away from you.
“Yeah…”
“Dr. Jones.”
“Yes?”
“Yes?”
Nice.
“I will take the book now.”
“What book?”
Always great to share a knowing look and then deny.
“You have the diary in your pocket.”
Somehow he knows exactly where it is. Not suspicious at all.
“You think my son would be that stupid?”
Reaction shots are the key to comedy.
“You did!”
“I should have mailed it to the Marx brothers! Why do you think I sent it home in the first place?”
“I came here to save you!”
“And who’s gonna come here to save you, Junior?”
Colin:
I love when Sean Connery gets angry. And that highland comes out.
“I told you—”
Ever get so mad about your nickname that you killed three people?
“Don’t call me Junior.”
Colin:
I want to call this out for being gratuitous, with the line being finished after he mows down some Nazis, but if it were me, I’d probably pull something mid-sentence for the sake of surprise too.
“Look what you did!”
Colin:
If you love this movie, you know and use that inflection regularly.
“I can’t believe what you did.”
Colin:
I can’t believe how much I love that line.
Meanwhile…
“Put down the gun, Dr. Jones.”
This was abrupt.
Connery has some great faces in this.
Oh, I love how he uses silhouettes.
“But she’s one of them. She’s a Nazi.”
Colin:
More shadows. This looks amazing.
“What?”
“Trust me.”
It’s the tone. When someone uses that tone, they know.
Colin:
This is something to discuss. And despite your daddy issues, he is your father and he does know her. You can always get more pussy.
You Can Always Get More Pussy
“I will kill her.”
“Yeah? Go ahead.”
I fucking LOVE how he plays this.
“No! Don’t shoot.”
“Don’t worry, he won’t.”
He’s always put in these games of chicken.
And he never wins.
I don’t get why he wouldn’t allow him to shoot her. I mean, yeah, he thinks she’s innocent, but why would he kill her randomly unless he knows Jones is emotionally attached?
The question is — why is he so emotionally attached? I thought there were a lot of Marys.
Colin:
Sometimes there’s a special one. In fact, for this kind of character, there are a lot of Marys BECAUSE every once in a while there’s a special one. That’s the Bond thing. One or two special ones, and a bevy of bitches when those don’t work out.
Colin:
I like it when glass breaks unnecessarily.
“I’m sorry.”
Colin:
She’s got that just-been-fucked hair.
“Don’t be.”
He’s got that just-been-fucked look.
“But you should have listened to your father.”
There’s always a but.
And that’s where the Doody comes from.
Colin:
And as a kid, I was like, “WHHAAAAAAAAAAA?” This may be why I associate sex with betrayal. Among other reasons.
Nice lighting on the hair.
KHANNNN!!!!!!!!!!
Tune in next week for another episode of I Fucked a Nazi.
Is that a Monty Python reference back there?
“She ransacked her own room and I fell for it.”
And now you’re in deep Doody.
“How did you know she was a Nazi?”
“She talks in her sleep.”
This reaction wins everything.
Colin:
This is my favorite exchange in the movie. C’mon. “She talks in her sleep.” And as a kid, I took that to mean that Nazis all talked in their sleep. Until I was like 6, I never gave that a second thought. And then it was like, oh, so she gave away the Nazi stuff in her sleep. But why would he have heard that? And why is he now smiling. And now you see this and you’re like, “GET IT, SEAN!”
“I didn’t trust her. Why did you?”
“Because he didn’t take my advice.”
Why, it’s old man Withers who runs the carnival downtown!
I did Nazi that coming.
Colin:
Two reveals in like 2 minutes! Just when you thought you had it straight.
“Donovan.”
Thank you. I’d have called him, “Oh yeah, that rich white guy from earlier.”
Look at young Stallone Nazi back there.
And squinty Norton Nazi back there too.
“I misjudged you, Walter. I knew you would sell your mother for an Etruscan vase. But I didn’t know you’d sell your country and your soul to the slime of humanity.”
Nazis… never the innocents.
Colin:
Nazis, the slime of humanity? Given that era’s racism, I’m trying to figure out what that makes the Japanese.
This is why all your diaries should be written in a fake language.
Colin:
Splorf!
“Dr. Schneider, there are pages torn out of this.”
They’re called “abortions,” Walter.
Colin:
Whoever carved that statue was a bastard.
Did we need a doctor to look at it to confirm there are, in fact, pages torn out?
Colin:
Her hair got fixed awfully fast.
Don’t look so smug.
“Watch me turn this shit around.”
“This book contained a map.”
How do you know?
She really looks like Maureen O’Hara.
Anyway, she already knows what he did with the pages. Gave them to Marcus.
“Marcus? You didn’t drag poor Marcus along, did you?”
This is where it would be handy to say, “Marcus just fucking came on his own! I don’t know why!”
“He sticks out like a sore thumb. We’ll find him.”
“The hell you will.”
“He’s got a two day head start on you, which is more than he needs. Brody’s got friends in every village and town from here to the Sudan.”
Colin:
Sudan is an interesting place to have friends.
“He speaks a dozen languages and knows every local custom. He’ll blend in, disappear, you’ll never see him again.”
“With any luck, he’s got the Grail already.”
The other key to comedy.
Colin:
I’ve always wanted to describe someone like this. This is such a badass description of a person. And then the cut to him just helpless.
This looks like it was shot on the back lot.
Colin:
If you want a place to look ethnic in your movie, add people holding chickens.
SALLAH!
Look at that fucking tie.
Colin:
John Rhys-Davies, you are a treasure. I know people who do this, too. This Pakistani guy I know in Tokyo, he’ll walk up to you, pat you up and down to make sure you aren’t just an inflatable person and then he shakes your hand like six times over the course of a two minute conversation. And like this, I’ll bump into him randomly all over the place. Tokyo’s a metropolis of 35 million people, and I never see people I know on the street, and this guy just appears out of thin air. Others have corroborated this.
He’s got the map.
And a Nazi young Tom Cruise bodyguard.
Right, though?
Colin:
I’m pretty sure the heel click is done for the rest of history, wouldn’t you say?
Sallah knows some shit is up immediately.
Colin:
The Nazis were snappy dressers.
“Papers, please.”
Colin:
There it is again, that “papers” line.
“Papers? Of course!”
Colin:
The museum sent a car, and they need to see his papers? Why does that make sense? THEY’RE the foreigners.
Speaking of sticking out like a sore thumb, why are the Nazis wearing BLACK?
“Ha ha… run.”
“Here. Just finished reading it myself.”
“Run!”
“Egyptian mail. Morning edition.”
Sallah’s the best.
“Run!”
Colin:
Another great exchange. This movie is full of these gems.
“Run!”
Colin:
Punch someone through a newspaper. Added to my bucket list.
Did you ever hear the story of John Wayne drinking with Ward Bond? The two of them were best friends. Roommates together at USC. Constant drinking buddies. One time, they’re getting hammered, and Bond bets him they could stand on opposite sides of a newspaper and Wayne won’t be able to hit him. So he puts a newspaper down in a doorway and they stand on either side of it. And then Bond slams the door in Wayne’s face. And he shouts, “Try to hit me now, you son of a bitch!” And then Wayne just went ahead and punched through the door.
Those guys must have had a lot of fun.
Another great story, because this is exactly the kind of thing I want to do to people — John Ford (who was also great friends with the two of them), would just talk shit about them all the time. Especially Ward Bond. Just loved laying into him. So when Ward Bond dies, Ford goes up to Andy Devine at the funeral and goes, “Now YOU’RE the biggest asshole I know.”
Weird angle change here.
Colin:
I don’t know why, but the way he hops around timidly after knocking this dude out always makes me laugh. It’s the same way Chaplin would hop around a bit after knocking out someone way bigger than himself in a movie. Like he wasn’t expecting it to happen and isn’t cool enough to stand still. I’m thinking The Gold Rush.
That face.
And that one.
How fucking great is this?
And this.
Nazi truck.
I like this, because it’s a play on jokes from the first and second movie.
Colin:
Just like the part in Raiders where all the dudes set up the market in front of the truck to throw off the Nazis, I’m super confused about how this happened. How did they find Marcus here? How did they find him in this part of the city? Why did they have a truck waiting to take him away if they were gonna put him in a hired car? Why is there a fake building front here that facilitated this plan? Why were the locals so keen on helping? Did they have other trucks and traps laid around the town in case he decided to run somewhere that wasn’t the back of THIS truck?
I really like this shot. First, Sallah jumping up and down, ready to fight, then the Nazi truck gag happening, and then the pull away to reveal basically desert behind them. It’s a clear western shot. Where you see just how little separates them from vast emptiness.
Anyway, back to them.
Colin:
That doesn’t look too tight.
If I had a nickel…
She’s gotta go back to Berlin.
And she’s taking the diary.
Colin:
Good. More expository dialogue that doesn’t add anything unnecessary and sets up everything to come. They’re not wasting time here.
I guess it’s a good thing that we don’t have much to add here. It means the movie isn’t doing too many annoying things.
What’s with the wheel of swords?
“Don’t look at me like that. We both wanted the Grail. I would have done anything to get it. You would have done the same.”
That’s nice. I only banged you for the Jesus cup.
Colin:
I Only Banged You For The Jesus Cup
“I’m sorry you think so.”
Was that not the truth?
Colin:
She is fine. That’s what makes this difficult.
That smile was sexy as hell.
Colin:
That smile. This is so much more convincingly 30s than Temple of Doom was.
Am I the only one who sees Amber Heard?
Colin:
I see her, but I also see a major difference. There’s something different about Doody.
I bet the screen direction for that was, “She slithers over to his ear.” Because how the fuck else could you explain that?
“I can’t forget how wonderful it was.”
“Thank you. It was rather wonderful.”
Colin:
Sean Connery wins at life.
Think about how well every moment with the two of them plays.
And now think of Kate Capshaw.
I hope you found meaning in this exercise.
Colin:
Some people genuinely prefer that movie, and others think this was bad. And those people have confused things.
Well this is weird.
“That’s how Austrians say goodbye.”
Colin:
Hitler was Austrian.
Why are you so upset? Pussy’s pussy.
Colin:
You have to wonder, in real life, when Nazi pussy became morally reprehensible. Like, when it crossed the line.
That is one question we should take out of this? When Did Nazi Pussy Become Reprehensible?
“My turn, sugar.”
“This is how we say goodbye in Germany, Dr. Jones.”
Pretty fucked up how he throws him into a shower block here.
Colin:
Germans don’t really look super great in this movie.
They aren’t portrayed any better, either.
Punch a guy in the face and then stroll away.
“I like the Austrian way better.”
“So did I.”
“Let’s try to get these ropes loose. We gotta get to Marcus before the Nazis do.”
Did they leave no one to watch them?
Are they just gonna leave them chilling in this castle?
Colin:
That does seem questionable. This is 1938. There are Nazi flunkies for watching people.
“You said he had two days’ start. That he would blend in. Disappear.”
“Are you kidding? I made that up. You know Marcus got lost once in his own museum.”
Colin:
Lost in his own museum. That takes a special kind of hopeless.
His lucky charm.
My lucky charm would be a bottle opener.
Colin:
I don’t have a lucky charm, but I would want it to be a small person.
Nice job, Dad.
Many tapestries.
Colin:
I love their shenanigans music. That is what this is, right? But really? You can’t hear all those flames? Just like spatial relationships, I have an issue when movie characters are shown to be unable to hear something simply because they can’t see it.
“I’ve got to tell you something.”
“Don’t get sentimental now, Dad, save it for when we get out of here.”
“The floor’s on fire.”
Did you not hear all that happening?
Change of plan.
I’m sure if you fell over, something would break.
That guy is totally Jerry Jones Nazi.
Colin:
You know who looks good in armbands? Nobody.
Great way to read things.
Colin:
I hate people saying things in bad accents.
They have Brody. So he can kill Indy and Dad.
You walked him all the way out to the car just to get the okay to kill them?
“Dad.”
“What?”
“Dad!”
“What?!”
“Dad!!”
“What?!!”
Somehow even the old gags work here.
“Head for the fireplace!”
Oh, sweet irony.
Colin:
It is the safest place in case of fire, for reference.
Looks like those dudes are holding up the fireplace.
That’s a pretty shitty thing to carve there.
“I think I can get these ropes off.”
Snakes.
Was this just behind the fireplace the entire time? Does everyone else know that? What exactly does this room do?
Why didn’t someone unassumingly come outside to copy a file and notice her making out with them and then awkwardly scurry away?
Because that should have happened.
Does no one hear anything happening behind them? I feel like you’d have heard the door swivel and all the fire outside.
“Our situation has not improved.”
Is that Imelda Staunton Nazi?
Or Emily Watson Nazi?
Maybe little of column A, little of column B.
Those fucking teeth!
HOLY SHIT!
Colin:
This woman needs to be shot. The smile, and then what sounds like “ALLAH!” until you hear some consonant at the end. Probably “alarm.”
Wow… Peyton Manning Nazi looks so happy to be there.
You guys carry guns in a secret room behind a fireplace in a castle controlled by your side, where there’s like, 1% of a chance where anyone would ever come close enough to you to use them?
All right.
Colin:
This is how gun people are. Constant vigilance.
Colin:
Have you ever seen a pistol that shoots tracer rounds? What was that about?
How’d they do that so fast?
Surprise, motherfuckers!
Aren’t you guys now trapped in there?
I mean, sure… fire… but… now what?
Colin:
Is that not a great gag? He disappears with the Nazi, then as it comes around, there’s just a dazed Nazi and he’s gone. It’s like that part in Oldboy when the guys show up in the elevator and then there’s the cut to him surrounded by knocked out dudes in the elevator. Also, he was stabbed.
So those Nazis are dead.
Fuhrer fire.
Colin:
You just left like five people, including a woman, to be burned alive. Well done there.
These guys look like terrible Nazis.
“Dead end.”
“There’s got to be a secret door.”
This place has an upstairs?
Colin:
I like that it’s right there, in-shot.
“I find, that if I just sit down and think…”
Colin:
I want a castle so bad. I guess it’s dawn now? It was dark like 3 minutes ago.
“The solution presents itself.”
Colin:
They do such good light slapstick.
Why would you have that?
Oh, I fucking LOVE this location.
Boats, and crates — I want one of these in the back of my house. I want to be able to just hop on a boat and leave.
Imagine being able to make a pun so good you hopped on a boat docked behind your house and drove off into the sunset.
Colin:
That would be sweet. I want to live by a lake.
What a shitty life preserver.
“You say this has been just a typical day for you?”
“No!”
“Better than most.”
He got laid this time.
“Come on!”
“What about the boat?”
“We’re not going on the boat!”
Did you guys not see them?
And can you not see that boat is empty?
Colin:
This is how hierarchical management works. They say to get in ze boats, you get in ze boats.
Well maybe wait like, thirty more seconds before you do that. So they can actually get on the water first.
Colin:
Wouldn’t you want to wait until they were at least in the middle of the river before you revealed yourself? This way, they just get back out.
This is like Donkey Kong Raceway.
I love how there had to be two random Nazis there just to fall into the water.
Colin:
Sidecars used to look cool. Have you seen one in the past 20 years? They look terrible.
You fuckers got here fast.
This is a proper action sequence.
Goggles on, shit’s on.
Colin:
Putting on the goggles makes you look 100 percent dorkier.
They’re not allowed to wear beanies.
LOVE this shot. The low angle, the slight canted-ness of it. This is terrific.
Colin:
Low angle shots are always good. They tried to bring this back in Crystal Skull.
Hey, remember when they repeated this exact same chase in the next movie?
Colin:
I don’t know who this guy thinks he is, taking the other road. But I agree. Let’s go that way. Maybe he’s packed a picnic or something. Can we just enjoy the last few years before the war REALLY starts?
This is a funny sequence. Not a lot happens. Mostly they’re just maneuvering on bikes.
These faces are great, because you can see him coming up with the plan on the fly.
A little big for a Nazi, aren’t you?
Mud.
Colin:
This guy can ride. There are some majorly good motorcycle stunt guys. That was the one impressive thing about For Your Eyes Only. That bike chase in the snow and on the luge track. Holy shit.
Is this a border?
FUCK YOUR ROADBLOCK!
Chicken.
Medieval Times!
Colin:
Why is he flagging down the other Nazis? Can’t you see there’s a chase going on? People need to be more on board with chase scenes.
Mike Starr Nazi.
Stabbing him would have been better. But okay.
Colin:
That guy wasn’t gonna be able to shoot anyway. But he’s toast.
Love a riderless bike or horse shot.
Look at that face.
Also, look at the guy in the back.
He’s about to turn into Hugo Weaving.
How do you fuck that up?
He’s shocked that they can actually ride.
That’s the look a hero would have if the henchmen were able to connect with bullets.
Well shit, man. Just pop that wheelie.
Colin:
I’m not sure motorcycles of the time did that, but oh well. These are Hondas, if I’m not mistaken.
That’s one way to try to kill them.
Accurate expression.
Nice framing.
DUMMY!
Colin:
Oh, wow. That is amazing. I’m so glad we have these images.
Colin:
And he’s probably dead. These movies have a proper body count. Which, I don’t remember that in Crystal Skull. But we’ll see.
All of the body count in those movies is off-screen. Unless they’re the villain.
Oh nice, caught some grain on the film.
Ooh, the double sly smile.
Can’t win ’em all.
This is a good dynamic. Dad is all about the intellect and son is all about brute force, and dad disapproves of the way son does things.
Colin:
That’s a skill. Scowling so bad that it turns other people’s happiness into misery.
It is working for the film, but… that’s a serious problem that you can’t admit your son did anything good.
“You’re going the wrong way. We have to get to Berlin.”
“Brody’s this way.”
“My diary’s in Berlin.”
So fuck Brody.
Gotta get that paper.
“We don’t need the diary, Dad. Marcus has the map.”
“There is more in the diary than just the map.”
Is Marcus in there too? Because he’s a person.
“All right, Dad. Tell me.”
Colin:
Age makes one prudent. I think that’s why I’m such an old bastard at the age of 25. Ford is ready to go find the map and get the grail like it ain’t shit. And Connery’s like, no – we have to get the rest of the stuff so you don’t get killed trying to score the grail.
Plus, I guess, the real reason is — we can’t let the Nazis have it. Because it might give them
“He who finds the Grail must face the final challenge.”
“What final challenge?”
“Three devices of such lethal cunning.”
“Booby traps?”
“Oh yes. But I found the clues that will safely take us through. In the chronicles of St. Anselm.”
“Well, what are they?”
Colin:
What’s that place behind them? I want to chill in random European places. I’m done with Japan.
“Can’t you remember?”
“I wrote them down in my diary so that I wouldn’t have to remember.”
I can see why they wanted him for the Architect.
“Half the German army’s on our tail and you want me to go to Berlin? Into the lion’s den?”
Colin:
He’s got a point. Going to Berlin in 1938 or whenever this is…not advisable.
“Yes. The only thing that matters is the Grail.”
“What about Marcus?”
“Marcus would agree with me!”
Colin:
He’d say “fuck Marcus” too?
“Two selfless martyrs. Jesus Christ.”
“That’s for blasphemy.”
“The quest for the Grail is not archaeology. It’s a race against evil. If it is captured by the Nazis, the armies of darkness will march all over the face of the Earth.”
Why, exactly? It’s a cup.
Colin:
The stupid stones and the crystal skulls didn’t have this. You wanna make a good Indiana Jones movie? Some biblical artifact and Nazis trying to wield it. In that respect, Captain America was almost a better Indiana Jones film than Crystal Skull was.
It kinda was, though.
“This is an obsession, Dad. I never understood it. Never.”
Says the guy who went after a cross after 20 years just because he couldn’t get it the first time.
Colin:
Oh, burn. The man has a point.
“Neither did Mom.”
Aww… play the mom card.
“Oh, yes she did. Only too well. Unfortunately, she kept her illness from me. And all I could do was mourn her.”
Colin:
Bringing up mom, which is usually off limits, but they cut it off so fast. I approve.
This is kinda fucked up. She didn’t bother telling him she was dying, just cause it would have taken away from his time ignoring her.
Aww shit, the hat’s on.
Colin:
This moment, to me, is a major character moment. Like, this is what makes their relationship something more than a bolt-on extra trope in the larger context of the film. This is something I’ll have to get into during Final Thoughts, but this relationship is so much more effective in advancing plot and characters than any of the others that he has in these movies. This is one reason this sequel defies the curse and works.
Simplicity.
Choices.
Colin:
Isn’t it funny how plot makes things easy? The entire plot of Eurotrip is taken care of in this movie by a closeup on a wooden sign.
What’s the sign we can’t see?
Well I wonder where the fuck we’re going, fade out.
– – – – – – – – – –
Tomorrow is Part IV, and the perils of not having proper blimp fare.
(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)