Fun with Franchises: Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989), Part IV — “Shloppy Sheconds”
We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.
Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.
We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.
We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.
Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.
Right now, we’re doing the Indiana Jones franchise, and today is the fourth part of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.
We begin Part IV at a typical Saturday night at Republican headquarters:
The Nazis hated trees almost as much as they hated Jews.
Colin:
Book burning never looks super great for your group.
This is what graduations should look like.
Colin:
What do you mean ‘should’?
This must have been so much fun to shoot.
This looks awesome, by the way.
Nice. One pan, and he’s already dispatched a henchman and stolen his clothes.
Colin:
He also does this in both of the good movies. How do you change clothes that fast? Don’t care. Awesome.
“My boy, we’re pilgrims in an unholy land.”
Look at his adorable little Queen Elizabeth wave.
And the star of Bicycle Thieves sitting next to him.
Or Jim Caviezel with AIDS.
They’re burning Das Kapital.
Top Marx.
Books killed her parents in an alleyway when she was six.
They should just keep cutting between these two things, until a single tear falls.
Colin:
I don’t get it. Does she like Jew books?
Does She Like Jew Books?
Yeah! Fuck you, books!
Colin:
They’re just clamoring for the Jew books.
Why didn’t we have anything like this to rally around when I was a kid?
All I did was sit inside with my friends, playing Toejam and Earl.
“Fraulein doctor.”
“Where is it? Where is it, I want it!”
He sure is big on assault.
“You came back for the book?”
Why is no one watching this right now?
“Why?”
“My father didn’t want it incinerated.”
Colin:
Why is she carrying it?
Why does it matter why he wanted it? Does this somehow prove that he wants the Grail for legitimate reasons?
“Is that what you think of me? I believe in the Grail, not the swastika.”
“You stood up to be counted with the enemy of everything that the Grail stands for. Who gives a damn what you think?”
What does the Grail stand for?
Toasts?
“You do!”
Does no one hear this?
Colin:
You know this is gonna be like the Mary Astor thing where he kinda has feelings for her, ish, but she ends up dying anyway.
He’s speaking, of course, of Meet Me in St. Louis.
She never made it.
“All I have to do is squeeze.”
That’s an Everly Brothers song, right?
Colin:
The way he’s choking her, I really have to say how impressed I am with how 30s they made this look.
“All I have to do is scream.”
That for sure is an Everly Brothers song.
Colin:
I feel like once he’s squeezing, you’re not screaming.
Also I’m Impressed with the Way He’s Choking Her
Also, this man never wins a game of chicken.
I like the multi-dimensions of her. Most movies wouldn’t even give you that.
“Got it. Let’s get the hell out of here.”
I like when evil places are big enough to not be noticed in.
This is crisp.
You think they actually let Hitler get this close to the people?
Also, how are these people gonna feel in seven years?
“Yo Germany, Wake the Fuck Up!”
Is what those banners are saying.
This shot is hilarious.
Colin:
This part is so awkward. How do you get backed up into Hitler?
How Do You Get Backed Up Into Hitler?
This is the moment where Hitler goes, “… Ahhhhh.”
Why would you be holding it out like that?
Not that I care. This is awesome.
Colin:
There’s that long pause, and Hitler’s like, “Quit Riefenstahling! Give me ze book!”
Quit Riefenstahling
Does he look like a shitty officer for doing this? Or does Hitler think, “Yeah… I am popular”?
He’s got a pen guy.
You gotta have a pen guy.
Colin:
Not that I wanna be like Hitler, but I want someone who hands me writing utensils.
Ehh, I’d be fine with both.
Hitler has shitty handwriting.
That looks nothing like his actual signature, by the way.
The Fuhrer had great penmanship.
This is one of those moments where everyone, including the hero can imagine the possibilities.
This is great, too. How he’s almost smiling that he doesn’t notice.
This is such a brilliant moment. What an absolute brilliant moment. Whoever came up with it is a genius. And if it’s Lucas, I apologize for most of the bad things I said about him.
Why don’t we call more things the Flughafen?
Colin:
I’m writing this now in Newark Airport, on my way home for the holidays.
This should have been up by the book burning. Or in the tomb with the rats.
Colin:
And I just want to say – fuck airports. My flight just got delayed again, meaning my five hour layover just became a seven hour layover. For an hour long flight. I could have hitchhiked. It’ll end up taking me more than 70 percent as long to travel been two states of the Tri-State area as it did to travel from Tokyo to Newark. Thank you, America. I might as well take a blimp.
I remember these texts. This was also like, a week before I flew into Newark on my way home for the holidays. Nobody wants to be stuck in Jersey.
Colin:
Maybe this is why I felt so uncomfortable in post 9/11 America. Flags everywhere. You know there’s something wrong when there are flags everywhere.
It’s gonna be so fun when we do Transformers.
I thought for sure the gag was gonna be them putting down the newspapers.
“What did you get? I don’t know, first available flight out of Germany.”
Colin:
First available flight out of Germany? What if it’s like, Bratislava?
Pretty sure if you wanted the first ride out of Germany, all you’d have to do is pin a Star of David to your lapel.
But that is a good point. What if it’s to Poland?
THAT GUY. Honestly, that’s the costume I’d want most at a Halloween party. The fucking World War I Germany Lieutenant uniform. The monocle and the coat over the shoulders. That’s the look.
Customs is easy as shit in Nazi Germany.
On a zeppelin.
Also… REAR PROJECTION.
Oh, this is fucking glorious.
He just put his jacket hanging out of the open window of a zeppelin.
“Well… we made it.”
“When we’er airborne, with Germany behind us, then I’ll share that sentiment.”
Colin:
It ain’t over til it’s over. Any frequent blimp flier can tell you this.
Did you see the the new lounge features on BlimpQuest? Totally worth the miles.
Also, that paper is upside down.
Jerry Jones Nazi is here. With Simon Pegg Nazi.
Look at this fucking guy.
Is that a mini pie?
Phyllis Diller Nazi.
Kirsten Dunst Nazi.
Colin:
I love this part, because what the fuck is he saying to this steward? How does he get an outfit from him that quickly? He’s being all nice, so you wonder if he doesn’t actually just beat him up and take the outfit, but that’s probably what it is. Still, what do you say to the guy just to walk him out of sight?
“I’m parked over by the commissary…”
That’s the way a proper German would respond to this. Indignance.
He changes into other people’s clothes fast.
Mel Brooks Nazi.
Nice framing.
There’s an image.
And a face.
“Guten tag, Herr Jones.”
Herr Doctor, please.
Plus, he lost his herr years ago.
“Fahrscheine mein Herr.”
“Weg.”
“Tickets, please.”
This is how rich white people react to everything.
You can tell which one isn’t rich.
He’s the one with his hands up.
“It’s the po-po. I didn’t do nothin’!”
These people all have the same exact trunk.
Why don’t we start using this instead of this:
“No ticket.”
Colin:
The look on this white lady’s face always stuck with me. She’s like, “What? Just being a rich white woman isn’t enough to be on this blimp? Don’t defenestrate me just yet, I have it here!”
That guy on the left there is terrifying.
Wait, so what happened to all the luggage?
Colin:
Why is there still luggage on the ground?
Also, more rear projection.
Also, nice set up for later.
Love a guy shouting at a screen.
Also, I want to shake my fists at more things.
“You know, sharing your adventures is an interesting experience.”
I love how he threw a guy off the blimp, then changed out of the outfit, and no one said anything and they’re not calmly eating.
Colin:
Don’t they all see him back among the passengers? I feel like you keep an eye on the guy who threw someone out of a blimp. A distinction he shares with Chris Walken. Excellent company.
Technically Walken didn’t throw the guy out of the blimp.
But he did kidnap someone from one.
“That’s not all we shared.”
HA HA. Because they both rode the Doody train!
“It’s disgraceful. You’re old enough to be her f—her grandfather.”
“I’m as human as the next man.”
“I was the next man.”
Colin:
I didn’t get this at all as a kid. Oh well. I do now, and it’s great. “I WAS the next man.” But think about that. Sleeping with someone your dad slept with. I just shivered.
Or, as Connery would say, shloppy sheconds.
“Ships that pass in the night.”
But they both stopped at the same port.
“Remember the last time we had a quiet drink? I had a milkshake.”
“What did we talk about?”
“We didn’t talk. We never talked.”
Colin:
Even something like that is still way better than what Hollywood would do these days. “We never talk. We haven’t talked since you missed my homecoming game senior year!” This did it so much better.
“Do I detect a rebuke?”
“A regret. It was just the two of us, Dad. It was a lonely way to grow up. For you, too. If you’d been an ordinary, average father, like the other guys’ dads, you’d have understood then.”
“Actually, I was a wonderful father.”
“When?”
Colin:
This is the kind of dad I want to be, regardless of how my parenting is. He’s like, actually, I was a wonderful father. As though his son wasn’t there for it.
“Did I ever tell you to eat up, go to bed, wash your ears, do your homework? No. I respected you privacy and I taught you self-reliance.”
He’s not altogether wrong.
“What you taught me was that I was less important to you than people who had been dead for five hundred years in another country. And I learned it so well, we hardly spoke for twenty years.”
“You left just when you were becoming interesting.”
Colin:
I love this whole exchange. This whole exchange. So many of us have this relationship with our fathers.
So if they hardly spoke for twenty years, that means he left right after the Coronado thing.
“Dad…”
“I’m here. Now. What do you want to talk about?”
Reaction shots are the key to comedy.
“I can’t think of anything.”
“Then what are you complaining about?”
This face.
They have work to do.
Three challenges.
“First…the breath of God.”
So… fire.
“Only the penitent man will pass.”
Teachers should say that.
Also, that’s why Gandalf.
“Second, the word of God.”
Word.
“Only in the footsteps of God will he proceed.”
How did he do such divine things with such little feet?
“Third, the path of God.”
Is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men.
“Only in the leap from the lion’s head will he prove his worth.”
We saw that at the beginning.
“What does that mean?”
“I don’t know. We’ll find out!”
Colin:
They introduce the stuff they risked their lives to get back and it turns out we don’t quite know what it means. So…okay.
The weird thing is, later, he won’t even see this stuff and still knows exactly what, when and how the clues need to be used.
There’s a T-Rex coming.
“We’re turning around. They’re taking us back to Germany.”
Colin:
I use this line on flights all the time. Mostly when we’re turning, and the person next to me doesn’t speak English. I’m gonna pull that on my flight coming up in a little bit.
This is gorgeous.
Colin:
You know there’s a company that’s making semi-rigid airships again? It’s pretty awesome. They’re back.
Look at all that metal. (Also, Hell’s Angels.)
It’s great. Even without knowing this was gonna happen, the fact that they showed it to you earlier tells you it was going to be in play at some point.
Colin:
I’m confused as to why this thing has a plane on it. And why it’s armed. Is this a military blimp?
The plot.
Wooden propeller!
Also, no way those hats stay on.
“I didn’t know you could fly a plane.”
“Fly, yes. Land, no.”
Colin:
That’s not the order that’s supposed to go in. You usually tell the other person you don’t know how to land before releasing yourself into the abyss.
Some sheep farmer down there is like, “What the fuck is that?”
You’re not exactly safe yet.
So they had planes all ready to come after this?
I guess that’s not the worst logic. He throws the officer out, the officer tells them to go after the blimp. All right. I’ll go along.
Colin:
Messerschmitt Bf-109s against this piece of crap? This isn’t a fight. But then, he should be able to out-turn them.
Nice shot.
Colin:
It kills me to see people shooting and not leading the target. I mean, that’s elementary.
“Dad, you’re gonna have to use the machine gun!”
“Eleven o’clock!”
“What happens at eleven o’clock?”
Butt stuff.
Don’t show him what eleven o’clock is, by the time he gets there, they won’t be there.
They’re so clearly cut out of the background it’s great.
There’s a lot of open space in Germany.
Connery on the machine gun!
This is actually pretty funny.
“Dad, are we hit?”
“More or less.”
“Son, I’m sorry. They got us.”
Colin:
I feel like most things are okay as long as you have the strength to lie to your child.
“Hang on, Dad, we’re going in.”
In where?
Not the goat pen!
“Nice landing.”
“Thanks.”
He’s spry.
“Those people are trying to kill us.”
“I know, Dad!”
“It’s a new experience for me.”
“Happens to me all the time.”
That would have been a baller ass thing to say to a chick. But he can’t say that to a chick, because she’s a Natzshe.
That was convenient.
Just stealing a car.
Colin:
Why did you steal the poor Italian man’s car? He is Italian, right? I feel like this is Italy.
I think this place is known as Indiscriminate Europe.
No wonder he got a flat tire. Your windshield looks like a crime scene.
Dinosaur.
Great shot.
Oh good. A tunnel.
This place has everything we need.
Why the fuck would you do that?
Colin:
This pilot is a moron. They just did this, cause why not? What pilot is just gonna follow you into a tunnel like that?
Yes, watch the plane careen toward you and don’t drive faster.
Reaction shots.
The key to comedy.
Just like the pod race.
“Well, they don’t come any closer than that!”
Why don’t you ask Doody?
Colin:
Remember how they didn’t have bombs before?
That’s a sizable crater.
“Dad, he’s coming back!”
There’s a beach here?
Colin:
Yeah, that gun ain’t doing shit.
Colin:
Is that a Pilatus? Of course they never got an actual Bf-109.
He knows what he’s gotta do.
Sean Connery making seagull noises.
Colin:
I need this as a gif. I call upon the internet.
Or, if you want sound…
I hope seagulls were harmed in the making of this film.
This is exactly how Goose went.
Beautifully simple shot.
“I suddenly remembered my Charlemagne. ‘Let my armies be the rocks and the trees, and the birds in the sky’.”
Great. You just killed like a hundred birds, though.
P.S. That’s why the ending of Barton Fink is what it is.
Colin:
I remembered my Charlemagne, but I’m still stuck in Newark on this fucking layover. :(
Ah… Newfoundland.
Colin:
Hatay looks like India, but it’s probably not. It’s supposed to be more Middle Easterny, right?
They want permission to look for the Grail.
Colin:
Donovan walks weirdly. Pigeon-toed. I hate that. Stop that.
What a fucking white guy outfit.
They brought him gold and shit. Probably stolen from Jews.
“Rolls Royce Phantom II.”
Well… this one’s for Colin.
Colin:
You know where you know this car from? King’s Speech. When they’re driving to the party at the country estate and it’s all snowy.
Colin:
I’m pretty sure the guy who could get tanks can also get a Rolls Royce Phantom II in a color he likes. In these days, that was like bribing someone with rubber ducky and them letting you use their U-boat.
He’s gonna give them everything they need.
Colin:
The Republic of Hatay was a real place, but only from 1938 to 1939. It was a nation jointly-administered by France and Turkey. France rigged a referendum to give it to Turkey, hoping they’d support France against Hitler. That worked out.
Colin:
Shifty-ass Arab is shifty.
Sup, Doody? I like yo dress.
Colin:
Look at that outfit. How many times can I say that they did a great job making this look 30s compared with Temple of Doom, which failed miserably?
“We have no time to lose. Indiana Jones and his father have escaped.”
Were they ever really caught?
They took Marcus across the desert.
Akaba.
Colin:
Yes. More John Rhys-Davies.
They have dogs?
“Now they have the map. And in this sort of race, there is no silver medal for finishing second.”
Colin:
Sean Connery’s lower lip seems to have developed with age.
“To be, or not to be…”
Is he sunning? What’s going on?
TANKS!
Colin:
This tank always interested me. It’s a Tank Mark VIII (this is a replica), which never saw service in WWI because the production didn’t begin fast enough to equip units before the armistice. The design is weird, but it’s totally characteristic of WWI tank designs – I know Mike will like this – which were really long to focus on crossing trenches.
I do like trenches.
Colin:
This thing could cross a trench 15ft wide. But think about that point in history when the size of the gun or the thickness of the armor plating were issues that only got addressed once the designer could tell you how wide a trench the tank could cross. That’s awesome.
Tanks and submarines are such interesting vehicles. Putting people in giant pieces of metal and dangerous situations. I love it.
Colin:
Of course, the Nazis would be laughing at this tank. It’s big and bad looking, but really, it’s just bad. Slow, bad in the turns, lightly armored…and by this point, the Nazis had Panzer Is and IIs, with IIIs and IVs finishing development. So this is like the Lite Brite to the Nazis’ iPads.
All I got is Black Panzer division.
Do iPads have a Lite Brite app? They should.
This is incredibly similar to the first movie.
You think they went back here on purpose?
Doody goggles.
“Care to wet your whistle, Marcus?”
He has AIDS, you know.
Colin:
‘Wet your whistle’ is a phrase we should bring back.
“I’d rather spit in your face. Though I haven’t got any spit.”
Colin:
Nazis take your water. We all learned that lesson.
Art LaFleur Nazi.
This face.
“Well, Marcus, we’re on the brink of the recovery of the greatest artifact in the history of mankind.”
“You’re medaling with powers you cannot possibly comprehend.”
(If you strike me down…)
Colin:
All of this stuff belongs to the king? So he just sent them off cause he doesn’t give a shit and they’re driving through the desert while he jacks off in his new Rolls?
And why are they in a Renault? I guess it’s not their car. Actually, if they were being historically accurate, Hatay is a semi-French territory, so the car kinda makes sense.
“I see Brody. He seems okay. They got a tank.”
Just look at this line on its own.
Colin:
Isn’t it weird that the sun glints off his binoculars even though it’s behind them? And wouldn’t you expect Indiana Jones to know better than to be spotted like that?
“What do you think you’re doing? Get down.”
“Dad, we’re well out of range.”
Simple comedy.
Colin:
And why did they know to get in FRONT of the rock? Wouldn’t you stay behind it, thinking the shell would land between you and the tank?
“That car belonged to my brother in law.”
Colin:
I don’t have a brother in law. I only blow up blood relatives’ vehicles.
“We can’t see anyone out there.”
“Maybe it wasn’t even Jones.”
“No, it was him all right. He’s here somewhere.”
Well that seals it. “I can’t see anything. It might not be him.” “Nah, it’s him. Keep shooting.”
And so they just look around for him.
So what’s the deal with this group? Is he part of the republic, or were they just sneaking around? This guy seems to be everywhere the plot needs him to be.
“Well, in this sun, without transportation, they’re as good as dead.”
Uhh… or they could have water.
She knows what’s up. You fucking DROP.
Honestly, aside from being a zealot, I like this chick.
Tanks are pretty sezy.
“It’s Jones all right.”
He’s so certain. And yet… completely wrong.
“Who are all these people?”
“Who cares, as long as they’re keeping Donovan busy.”
Busy enough for what?
GRENADES!
Colin:
Potato mashers. They have a great name, but I’m torn about the shape. Do you really want a long, thin grenade for throwing? I guess it’d be like those foxtail things that kids would play with when we were little. But American grenades feel better for lobbing. The tie-breaker might be that if an American grenade falls when you’re about to toss it, you’re pretty fucked. A German grenade, you might be able to catch.
WILHELM SCREAM!
Colin:
Wilhelm!
These guys are pretty bad at sneak attacks.
Colin:
Toss the grenade to blow them up and then shoot them too? Part of this feels redundant, but when it comes to dispatching armed assailants, redundancy is your friend.
America loves dead brown people.
Colin:
How did you know to look for that tattoo? Do you know who these guys are? Are you on the lookout for them? If so, how did the shiftiest of Arabs make it into your private party with the king like 5 minutes ago?
“I’m going after those horses.”
“I’ll take the camels.”
“I don’t need camels.”
Colin:
Why did he take off Sallah’s hat and put it in his hands? Was that cause it stood out? That always seemed really rude to me. “We’re both wearing hats, but fuck yours! This is no occasion for you to be wearing a hat!”
Maybe because they’re shooting brown people in hats now.
“But Indy…”
“No camels.”
Colin:
Yeah, camels are ridiculous. And they spit a lot. And bite. But then again, Sallah probably knows what the hell he’s talking about.
And yet, you know there are gonna be camels.
Colin:
She doesn’t look too fine in this picture. More skeleton-like.
He basically tells them evil won’t win.
Colin:
I love that Donovan just asks, “Who is he?” to nobody in particular as the guy is still breathing and staring at them. There are few greater ‘fuck yous’ than talking about a dying man like he can’t hear you.
And then dies in the most obvious Jesus way possible.
Colin:
Nice color, though. You’ve got good blood, man.
It’s insane how fake this looks. And yet… I love it.
Holy fuck, that’s a way to take down a motherfucker.
Colin:
You usually don’t expect anything to come from above while you’re riding a horse, huh? Lancers from below, perhaps, but not a white man from the sky.
Colin:
And through all of this, the two guys trying to hold this horse down like ten feet away don’t notice a thing. Can’t they hear the trumpets telling us something badass is happening?
How much of this was a horse fall? Or did the horse just get yanked down?
That horse wants to fuck him up right now.
Colin:
I like how all of these guys are wearing crazy desert gear that makes them look like part of Xerxes’ outfit.
Nice, just whap a motherfucker in the face for good measure.
Colin:
Don’t look so glum, you’re in a tank!
I want to ride in a tank. Did you guys see Milk Fury?
Don’t Look So Glum, You’re in a Tank
He came to rescue him.
“Fold.”
Colin:
That was the whitest handshake I’ve ever seen.
Or not.
Colin:
You were bound to get caught. I mean, come on. You just walked into a mobile prison and did your white people handshake, and didn’t expect to get caught?
You Walked into a Mobile Prison and Did Your White People Handshake
“What does the diary tell you that it doesn’t tell us?”
What a stupid question.
Colin:
“It tells me that goose-stepping morons like yourself should try reading books instead of burning them.”
Colin:
Don’t you love it when Sean gets pissed and the Scotland comes out?
Nothing makes me happier than the “winners go home and fuck the prom queen” speech from The Rock.
“Captain, Jones is getting away.”
“I think not, Herr Donovan.”
Colin:
Why are you putting your leather gloves back on in this heat?
I love that he just pops into the tank hole and starts talking.
Love that cackle.
Why does he need all these horses?
Colin:
Can’t Donovan just tell people to shoot him? I feel like the Nazis would totally go along with it.
“Sallah! I said no camels, that’s five camels. Can’t you count?”
“Compensation for my brother-in-law’s car. Indy, your father and Brody–”
Colin:
I don’t have a brother in law, but if I ever do, I can’t wait to say that.
“They have them in the belly of that steel beast.”
Colin:
That ‘steel beast.’ Why does that sound more Native American than Arab to me? “Eh, brown people, right?” said Hollywood.
Scale.
Colin:
Where did his other horses go?
Colin:
Just watching that tank come after him, it’s immediately apparent what makes the image. Look at all the sand and dust that thing is kicking up! It’s made from a real excavator, and they were really chasing him with it! Now think of what it’d have looked like if this was a Star Wars prequel tank. Maybe a pebble would move here and there.
Nice looking shot.
Also, no way that horse doesn’t get scared shitless and fall over.
Colin:
What’s his real goal here? It looks like he’s running, but he has to get Sean and Denholm, right? So what’s the plan? Just run? That thing has a top speed of 6 miles per hour.
Oh, he’s just… horsing around.
This is nice.
How shitty would this be today? Because nothing would be real, and you wouldn’t be able to think of these awesome places to put the camera.
This guy’s got a hell of a moustache.
How long before we get a schnell?
Colin:
I imagine it’s hard not to be typecast in this kind of role. Once you have one “Slap-happy Nazi” on your credits, you probably have several.
Driver’s license photo.
Colin:
That was a productive ruse.
Oh, sucks for you, Werner.
There we go!
Wouldn’t be a proper Nazi movie without a good “Schnell!”
Colin:
Yes, yell ‘schnell’ a few more times.
Are they gonna fire through the car? Because they should fire through the car.
This face.
Colin:
That’s some skill there, to lean all the way down on your horse. I couldn’t even scratch my own foot at a full gallop. I wonder who did that. That’s some stuff you’d see on an old cavalry Western, back when the riders were still former US horse cavalrymen. So, pre-1943.
This face.
That was cool.
And they just killed that guy.
Colin:
If you’re blasting your own guys off your tank and then running them over, that’s bad. You’re bad.
Colin:
See? These shots would suck without all the dust, and dust is one of those things that needs to be real to look real.
Stuffing that shit like it’s Tanksgiving.
German people with guns like to shout things.
Oh yeah. That’s the stuff.
Colin:
Nice shot with the crosshairs. I love crosshairs. Remember Enemy at the Gates? Not the best movie in the world, but pretty entertaining, and lots of crosshairs.
All right.
Colin:
Does that work? I always thought that was bullshit, like the rock would come out too. I know it seems instinctual to stuff something in a gun barrel, but it seems to me that you’re just looking to get shot with a big bullet AND a rock.
The exploding cigar of tank guns.
Colin:
I can’t see that and not think of a trick cigar. I don’t know if those are real, but they should be. Ahaha. Check “trick cigar” on Urban Dictionary. It involves doo doo and is exactly what it sounds like.
“Yeah, motherfucker, we took out that tank! EEHEHEHEHEHE!!”
Colin:
Marcus looks sick of this.
Yeah, something like that.
Colin:
Only real smoke streaming off a person looks that good!
The hand cannon is back.
Colin:
That massive Webley he’s firing takes a .455 caliber shell. I’m amazed it doesn’t make his horse do a wheelie. Listen to how meaty it sounds compared to Vogel’s Luger. Still, the Luger’s a beast, as we’re about to see.
Colin:
Arabian horses always have to have tassels. Though I always picture Anthony Quinn riding Arabian horses. Mike knows what I’m talking about. He gets The Message.
Broken glass, everywhere.
Colin:
That joke was ex-Zorba-tently bad.
Colin:
Why are there random side streets in the desert?
We had to have done this at least three times in this franchise.
Tally ho!
Colin:
I will never jump onto a tank. I only jump off tanks.
What happens to the horse?
He ain’t that big. And he’s old as fuck. This isn’t a boss fight.
NAZI OUT OF NOWHERE!
SLAP!
Colin:
Through three people. That’s a bullet.
Nice reaction.
I like when action heroes are surprised when things work, rather than doing something badass and pretending like it was all part of the plan.
Colin:
There’s not really much to be said about this, other than…how much more can you get into something as a kid? This is a guy fighting Nazis with his bare hands on top of a tank rolling through the desert. I can’t tell you how thrilled I was watching this as a kid, and the fact that he killed people didn’t leave me scarred.
Colin:
“Dad! Daaahhhh! DUUUHHH!” Sorry, but that sounded pretty short bus.
Punched a guy in the face while being choked to death.
This’ll end well.
Tanks for the memories.
Colin:
Nobody taught that guy to roll to the right.
They don’t show the streak of blood on the treads. Thought they’d have continued that little motif.
This is it. This is your moment.
Interesting shot choice.
Colin:
That thing has a periscope? More things need periscopes. Just once in my life, I want to say the words “coming to periscope depth” outside the context of oral sex.
That is… unsettling.
Colin:
I had the way this German laughs. Stop laughing like that. He has the same inflection as Short Round saying, “Ha ha! Very FAH-ny!”
I’m guessing that was, These Americans are a bunch of pussies.”
Colin:
Good. I’m glad he got slapped around.
Aww… just like Junior.
This would be a great way to kill someone. Of course, it’s not happening here, with Indy, but still would be cool.
Colin:
It’s weird how this is a boss fight. This older Nazi colonel and a much younger American who beats the shit out of people all the time.
Scott Caan Nazi.
So are you guys just there to cheer, or what?
Of course, his pen.
Colin:
Do fountain pens just do that? Reminds me of a girl I knew. Loved squid stuff.
Death by ink?
“Henry the pen. Don’t you see? The pen is mightier than the sword.”
Colin:
Sometimes British people let their accents get away from them.
That face.
But the sword is pretty fucking nice too.
BAM.
Colin:
And with that, Sean Connery killed more men in one moment than he did in entire James Bond films.
Colin:
See? Rolling is easy. That Nazi deserved to die for his rotational impairment.
Simplicity is always a good thing.
Colin:
At this point, the colonel should really get a gun and shoot him.
Just… hop off.
Colin:
And now, shouldn’t he just drop off and come after the tank again? Why does he have to hang on?
“Look what you did!”
Get it?
“It’s war!”
Killing people is okay if it’s war.
That’s a shovel to the face.
That’s flattering.
This guy’s still here?!
Well that seems excessive.
You’re telling me that strap won’t break if you tried hard enough?
That driver is just screaming for no reason.
Colin:
Isn’t the driver still around to figure out that the other Nazis have been beaten up? Why is he still driving if there’s nobody to chase? This whole moving tank thing is unnecessary when you think about it. This would all have gone much more smoothly for them if they decided to stop and just circle him.
Colin:
The driver just pulled those levers completely, so this thing should be turning totally into the wall, but it seems not to be.
EWW! Ink licker!
Colin:
Don’t they know not to be messing with guns inside a tank? Knives.
His faces.
Colin:
That hat is good for falling rubble and stuff.
But really though.
That’s a good weapon.
A HA HA HA
This is how I wanna go.
What if that was Kurt Russell?
Faces.
Colin:
And at age 4, there was no problem seeing this guy get shot in the head.
The second movie barely had any guns, but in the ones with Nazis — someone always gets shot in the head.
That doesn’t look very good for you.
Wow.
Colin:
They really got their money’s worth for these punching sounds, huh?
Hey! I just killed like twelve guys!
Colin:
Nice blood spatter on the tank!
“You call this archaeology?”
Colin:
Why, if the driver was slumped over on the left lever, is the tank now going straight? It also didn’t appear that the levers were spring-loaded, so even if he fell down, it would still be going in clockwise circles.
“How does one get off this thing?”
Colin:
Colin:
“You dig what I’m sayin’, you jive motherfucka?!”
That’s barbed wire.
There goes Marcus.
“Where’s Marcus?”
I wanted to start a tumblr of Keanu Reeves looking at things (still do). Now I also want to start one of Harrison Ford’s ridiculous facial expressions.
