Fun with Franchises: Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989), Part IV — “Shloppy Sheconds”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.

We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.

We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.

Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.

Right now, we’re doing the Indiana Jones franchise, and today is the fourth part of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - Title CardWe begin Part IV at a typical Saturday night at Republican headquarters:

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The Nazis hated trees almost as much as they hated Jews.

Colin:

Book burning never looks super great for your group.

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This is what graduations should look like.

Colin:

What do you mean ‘should’?

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This must have been so much fun to shoot.

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This looks awesome, by the way.

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Nice. One pan, and he’s already dispatched a henchman and stolen his clothes.

Colin:

He also does this in both of the good movies. How do you change clothes that fast? Don’t care. Awesome.

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“My boy, we’re pilgrims in an unholy land.”

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Look at his adorable little Queen Elizabeth wave.

And the star of Bicycle Thieves sitting next to him.

Or Jim Caviezel with AIDS.

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They’re burning Das Kapital.

Top Marx.

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Books killed her parents in an alleyway when she was six.

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They should just keep cutting between these two things, until a single tear falls.

Colin:

I don’t get it. Does she like Jew books?

Does She Like Jew Books?

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Yeah! Fuck you, books!

Colin:

They’re just clamoring for the Jew books.

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Why didn’t we have anything like this to rally around when I was a kid?

All I did was sit inside with my friends, playing Toejam and Earl.

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“Fraulein doctor.”

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“Where is it? Where is it, I want it!”

He sure is big on assault.

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“You came back for the book?”

Why is no one watching this right now?

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“Why?”

“My father didn’t want it incinerated.”

Colin:

Why is she carrying it?

Why does it matter why he wanted it? Does this somehow prove that he wants the Grail for legitimate reasons?

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“Is that what you think of me? I believe in the Grail, not the swastika.”

“You stood up to be counted with the enemy of everything that the Grail stands for. Who gives a damn what you think?”

What does the Grail stand for?

Toasts?

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“You do!”

Does no one hear this?

Colin:

You know this is gonna be like the Mary Astor thing where he kinda has feelings for her, ish, but she ends up dying anyway.

He’s speaking, of course, of Meet Me in St. Louis.

She never made it.

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“All I have to do is squeeze.”

That’s an Everly Brothers song, right?

Colin:

The way he’s choking her, I really have to say how impressed I am with how 30s they made this look.

“All I have to do is scream.”

That for sure is an Everly Brothers song.

Colin:

I feel like once he’s squeezing, you’re not screaming.

Also I’m Impressed with the Way He’s Choking Her

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Also, this man never wins a game of chicken.

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I like the multi-dimensions of her. Most movies wouldn’t even give you that.

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“Got it. Let’s get the hell out of here.”

I like when evil places are big enough to not be noticed in.

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This is crisp.

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You think they actually let Hitler get this close to the people?

Also, how are these people gonna feel in seven years?

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“Yo Germany, Wake the Fuck Up!”

Is what those banners are saying.

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This shot is hilarious.

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Colin:

This part is so awkward. How do you get backed up into Hitler?

How Do You Get Backed Up Into Hitler?

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This is the moment where Hitler goes, “… Ahhhhh.”

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Why would you be holding it out like that?

Not that I care. This is awesome.

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Colin:

There’s that long pause, and Hitler’s like, “Quit Riefenstahling! Give me ze book!”

Quit Riefenstahling

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Does he look like a shitty officer for doing this? Or does Hitler think, “Yeah… I am popular”?

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He’s got a pen guy.

You gotta have a pen guy.

Colin:

Not that I wanna be like Hitler, but I want someone who hands me writing utensils.

Ehh, I’d be fine with both.

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Hitler has shitty handwriting.

That looks nothing like his actual signature, by the way.

The Fuhrer had great penmanship.

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This is one of those moments where everyone, including the hero can imagine the possibilities.

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This is great, too. How he’s almost smiling that he doesn’t notice.

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This is such a brilliant moment. What an absolute brilliant moment. Whoever came up with it is a genius. And if it’s Lucas, I apologize for most of the bad things I said about him.

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Why don’t we call more things the Flughafen?

Colin:

I’m writing this now in Newark Airport, on my way home for the holidays.

This should have been up by the book burning. Or in the tomb with the rats.

Colin:

And I just want to say – fuck airports. My flight just got delayed again, meaning my five hour layover just became a seven hour layover. For an hour long flight. I could have hitchhiked. It’ll end up taking me more than 70 percent as long to travel been two states of the Tri-State area as it did to travel from Tokyo to Newark. Thank you, America. I might as well take a blimp.

I remember these texts. This was also like, a week before I flew into Newark on my way home for the holidays. Nobody wants to be stuck in Jersey.

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Colin:

Maybe this is why I felt so uncomfortable in post 9/11 America. Flags everywhere. You know there’s something wrong when there are flags everywhere.

It’s gonna be so fun when we do Transformers.

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I thought for sure the gag was gonna be them putting down the newspapers.

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“What did you get? I don’t know, first available flight out of Germany.”

Colin:

First available flight out of Germany? What if it’s like, Bratislava?

Pretty sure if you wanted the first ride out of Germany, all you’d have to do is pin a Star of David to your lapel.

But that is a good point. What if it’s to Poland?

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THAT GUY. Honestly, that’s the costume I’d want most at a Halloween party. The fucking World War I Germany Lieutenant uniform. The monocle and the coat over the shoulders. That’s the look.

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Customs is easy as shit in Nazi Germany.

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On a zeppelin.

Also… REAR PROJECTION.

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Oh, this is fucking glorious.

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He just put his jacket hanging out of the open window of a zeppelin.

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“Well… we made it.”

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“When we’er airborne, with Germany behind us, then I’ll share that sentiment.”

Colin:

It ain’t over til it’s over. Any frequent blimp flier can tell you this.

Did you see the the new lounge features on BlimpQuest? Totally worth the miles.

Also, that paper is upside down.

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Jerry Jones Nazi is here. With Simon Pegg Nazi.

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Look at this fucking guy.

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Is that a mini pie?

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Phyllis Diller Nazi.

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Kirsten Dunst Nazi.

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Colin:

I love this part, because what the fuck is he saying to this steward? How does he get an outfit from him that quickly? He’s being all nice, so you wonder if he doesn’t actually just beat him up and take the outfit, but that’s probably what it is. Still, what do you say to the guy just to walk him out of sight?

“I’m parked over by the commissary…”

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That’s the way a proper German would respond to this. Indignance.

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He changes into other people’s clothes fast.

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Mel Brooks Nazi.

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Nice framing.

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There’s an image.

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And a face.

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“Guten tag, Herr Jones.”

Herr Doctor, please.

Plus, he lost his herr years ago.

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“Fahrscheine mein Herr.”

“Weg.”

“Tickets, please.”

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This is how rich white people react to everything.

You can tell which one isn’t rich.

He’s the one with his hands up.

“It’s the po-po. I didn’t do nothin’!”

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These people all have the same exact trunk.

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Why don’t we start using this instead of this:

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“No ticket.”

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Colin:

The look on this white lady’s face always stuck with me. She’s like, “What? Just being a rich white woman isn’t enough to be on this blimp? Don’t defenestrate me just yet, I have it here!”

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That guy on the left there is terrifying.

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Wait, so what happened to all the luggage?

Colin:

Why is there still luggage on the ground?

Also, more rear projection.

Also, nice set up for later.

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Love a guy shouting at a screen.

Also, I want to shake my fists at more things.

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“You know, sharing your adventures is an interesting experience.”

I love how he threw a guy off the blimp, then changed out of the outfit, and no one said anything and they’re not calmly eating.

Colin:

Don’t they all see him back among the passengers? I feel like you keep an eye on the guy who threw someone out of a blimp. A distinction he shares with Chris Walken. Excellent company.

Technically Walken didn’t throw the guy out of the blimp.

But he did kidnap someone from one.

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“That’s not all we shared.”

HA HA. Because they both rode the Doody train!

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“It’s disgraceful. You’re old enough to be her f—her grandfather.”

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“I’m as human as the next man.”

“I was the next man.”

Colin:

I didn’t get this at all as a kid. Oh well. I do now, and it’s great. “I WAS the next man.” But think about that. Sleeping with someone your dad slept with. I just shivered.

Or, as Connery would say, shloppy sheconds.

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“Ships that pass in the night.”

But they both stopped at the same port.

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“Remember the last time we had a quiet drink? I had a milkshake.”

“What did we talk about?”

“We didn’t talk. We never talked.”

Colin:

Even something like that is still way better than what Hollywood would do these days. “We never talk. We haven’t talked since you missed my homecoming game senior year!” This did it so much better.

“Do I detect a rebuke?”

“A regret. It was just the two of us, Dad. It was a lonely way to grow up. For you, too. If you’d been an ordinary, average father, like the other guys’ dads, you’d have understood then.”

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“Actually, I was a wonderful father.”

“When?”

Colin:

This is the kind of dad I want to be, regardless of how my parenting is. He’s like, actually, I was a wonderful father. As though his son wasn’t there for it.

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“Did I ever tell you to eat up, go to bed, wash your ears, do your homework? No. I respected you privacy and I taught you self-reliance.”

He’s not altogether wrong.

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“What you taught me was that I was less important to you than people who had been dead for five hundred years in another country. And I learned it so well, we hardly spoke for twenty years.”

“You left just when you were becoming interesting.”

Colin:

I love this whole exchange. This whole exchange. So many of us have this relationship with our fathers.

So if they hardly spoke for twenty years, that means he left right after the Coronado thing.

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“Dad…”

“I’m here. Now. What do you want to talk about?”

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Reaction shots are the key to comedy.

“I can’t think of anything.”

“Then what are you complaining about?”

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This face.

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They have work to do.

Three challenges.

“First…the breath of God.”

So… fire.

“Only the penitent man will pass.”

Teachers should say that.

Also, that’s why Gandalf.

“Second, the word of God.”

Word.

“Only in the footsteps of God will he proceed.”

How did he do such divine things with such little feet?

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“Third, the path of God.”

Is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men.

“Only in the leap from the lion’s head will he prove his worth.”

We saw that at the beginning.

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“What does that mean?”

“I don’t know. We’ll find out!”

Colin:

They introduce the stuff they risked their lives to get back and it turns out we don’t quite know what it means. So…okay.

The weird thing is, later, he won’t even see this stuff and still knows exactly what, when and how the clues need to be used.

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There’s a T-Rex coming.

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“We’re turning around. They’re taking us back to Germany.”

Colin:

I use this line on flights all the time. Mostly when we’re turning, and the person next to me doesn’t speak English. I’m gonna pull that on my flight coming up in a little bit.

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This is gorgeous.

Colin:

You know there’s a company that’s making semi-rigid airships again? It’s pretty awesome. They’re back.

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Look at all that metal. (Also, Hell’s Angels.)

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It’s great. Even without knowing this was gonna happen, the fact that they showed it to you earlier tells you it was going to be in play at some point.

Colin:

I’m confused as to why this thing has a plane on it. And why it’s armed. Is this a military blimp?

The plot.

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Wooden propeller!

Also, no way those hats stay on.

“I didn’t know you could fly a plane.”

“Fly, yes. Land, no.”

Colin:

That’s not the order that’s supposed to go in. You usually tell the other person you don’t know how to land before releasing yourself into the abyss.

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Some sheep farmer down there is like, “What the fuck is that?”

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You’re not exactly safe yet.

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So they had planes all ready to come after this?

I guess that’s not the worst logic. He throws the officer out, the officer tells them to go after the blimp. All right. I’ll go along.

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Colin:

Messerschmitt Bf-109s against this piece of crap? This isn’t a fight. But then, he should be able to out-turn them.

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Nice shot.

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Colin:

It kills me to see people shooting and not leading the target. I mean, that’s elementary.

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“Dad, you’re gonna have to use the machine gun!”

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“Eleven o’clock!”

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“What happens at eleven o’clock?”

Butt stuff.

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Don’t show him what eleven o’clock is, by the time he gets there, they won’t be there.

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They’re so clearly cut out of the background it’s great.

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There’s a lot of open space in Germany.

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Connery on the machine gun!

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This is actually pretty funny.

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“Dad, are we hit?”

“More or less.”

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“Son, I’m sorry. They got us.”

Colin:

I feel like most things are okay as long as you have the strength to lie to your child.

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“Hang on, Dad, we’re going in.”

In where?

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Not the goat pen!

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“Nice landing.”

“Thanks.”

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He’s spry.

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“Those people are trying to kill us.”

“I know, Dad!”

“It’s a new experience for me.”

“Happens to me all the time.”

That would have been a baller ass thing to say to a chick. But he can’t say that to a chick, because she’s a Natzshe.

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That was convenient.

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Just stealing a car.

Colin:

Why did you steal the poor Italian man’s car? He is Italian, right? I feel like this is Italy.

I think this place is known as Indiscriminate Europe.

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No wonder he got a flat tire. Your windshield looks like a crime scene.

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Dinosaur.

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Great shot.

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Oh good. A tunnel.

This place has everything we need.

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Why the fuck would you do that?

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Colin:

This pilot is a moron. They just did this, cause why not? What pilot is just gonna follow you into a tunnel like that?

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Yes, watch the plane careen toward you and don’t drive faster.

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Reaction shots.

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The key to comedy.

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Just like the pod race.

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“Well, they don’t come any closer than that!”

Why don’t you ask Doody?

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Colin:

Remember how they didn’t have bombs before?

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That’s a sizable crater.

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“Dad, he’s coming back!”

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There’s a beach here?

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Colin:

Yeah, that gun ain’t doing shit.

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Colin:

Is that a Pilatus? Of course they never got an actual Bf-109.

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He knows what he’s gotta do.

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Sean Connery making seagull noises.

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Colin:

I need this as a gif. I call upon the internet.

GvZ2Mo

Or, if you want sound…

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I hope seagulls were harmed in the making of this film.

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This is exactly how Goose went.

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Beautifully simple shot.

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“I suddenly remembered my Charlemagne. ‘Let my armies be the rocks and the trees, and the birds in the sky’.”

Great. You just killed like a hundred birds, though.

P.S. That’s why the ending of Barton Fink is what it is.

Colin:

I remembered my Charlemagne, but I’m still stuck in Newark on this fucking layover. :(

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Ah… Newfoundland.

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Colin:

Hatay looks like India, but it’s probably not. It’s supposed to be more Middle Easterny, right?

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They want permission to look for the Grail.

Colin:

Donovan walks weirdly. Pigeon-toed. I hate that. Stop that.

What a fucking white guy outfit.

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They brought him gold and shit. Probably stolen from Jews.

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“Rolls Royce Phantom II.”

Well… this one’s for Colin.

Colin:

You know where you know this car from? King’s Speech. When they’re driving to the party at the country estate and it’s all snowy.

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Colin:

I’m pretty sure the guy who could get tanks can also get a Rolls Royce Phantom II in a color he likes. In these days, that was like bribing someone with rubber ducky and them letting you use their U-boat.

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He’s gonna give them everything they need.

Colin:

The Republic of Hatay was a real place, but only from 1938 to 1939. It was a nation jointly-administered by France and Turkey. France rigged a referendum to give it to Turkey, hoping they’d support France against Hitler. That worked out.

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Colin:

Shifty-ass Arab is shifty.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1244

Sup, Doody? I like yo dress.

Colin:

Look at that outfit. How many times can I say that they did a great job making this look 30s compared with Temple of Doom, which failed miserably?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1245

“We have no time to lose. Indiana Jones and his father have escaped.”

Were they ever really caught?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1246

They took Marcus across the desert.

Akaba.

Colin:

Yes. More John Rhys-Davies.

They have dogs?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1247

“Now they have the map. And in this sort of race, there is no silver medal for finishing second.”

Colin:

Sean Connery’s lower lip seems to have developed with age.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1248

“To be, or not to be…”

Is he sunning? What’s going on?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1249

TANKS!

Colin:

This tank always interested me. It’s a Tank Mark VIII (this is a replica), which never saw service in WWI because the production didn’t begin fast enough to equip units before the armistice. The design is weird, but it’s totally characteristic of WWI tank designs – I know Mike will like this – which were really long to focus on crossing trenches.

I do like trenches.

Colin:

This thing could cross a trench 15ft wide. But think about that point in history when the size of the gun or the thickness of the armor plating were issues that only got addressed once the designer could tell you how wide a trench the tank could cross. That’s awesome.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1250

Tanks and submarines are such interesting vehicles. Putting people in giant pieces of metal and dangerous situations. I love it.

Colin:

Of course, the Nazis would be laughing at this tank. It’s big and bad looking, but really, it’s just bad. Slow, bad in the turns, lightly armored…and by this point, the Nazis had Panzer Is and IIs, with IIIs and IVs finishing development. So this is like the Lite Brite to the Nazis’ iPads.

All I got is Black Panzer division.

Do iPads have a Lite Brite app? They should.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1251

This is incredibly similar to the first movie.

You think they went back here on purpose?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1252

Doody goggles.

“Care to wet your whistle, Marcus?”

He has AIDS, you know.

Colin:

‘Wet your whistle’ is a phrase we should bring back.

“I’d rather spit in your face. Though I haven’t got any spit.”

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1253

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1254

Colin:

Nazis take your water. We all learned that lesson.

Art LaFleur Nazi.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1255

This face.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1256

“Well, Marcus, we’re on the brink of the recovery of the greatest artifact in the history of mankind.”

“You’re medaling with powers you cannot possibly comprehend.”

(If you strike me down…)

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1257

Colin:

All of this stuff belongs to the king? So he just sent them off cause he doesn’t give a shit and they’re driving through the desert while he jacks off in his new Rolls?

And why are they in a Renault? I guess it’s not their car. Actually, if they were being historically accurate, Hatay is a semi-French territory, so the car kinda makes sense.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1258

“I see Brody. He seems okay. They got a tank.”

Just look at this line on its own.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1259

Colin:

Isn’t it weird that the sun glints off his binoculars even though it’s behind them? And wouldn’t you expect Indiana Jones to know better than to be spotted like that?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1260

“What do you think you’re doing? Get down.”

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1261

“Dad, we’re well out of range.”

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1262

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1263

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1264

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1265

Simple comedy.

Colin:

And why did they know to get in FRONT of the rock? Wouldn’t you stay behind it, thinking the shell would land between you and the tank?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1266

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1267

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1268

“That car belonged to my brother in law.”

Colin:

I don’t have a brother in law. I only blow up blood relatives’ vehicles.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1269

“We can’t see anyone out there.”

“Maybe it wasn’t even Jones.”

“No, it was him all right. He’s here somewhere.”

Well that seals it. “I can’t see anything. It might not be him.” “Nah, it’s him. Keep shooting.”

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1270

And so they just look around for him.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1271

So what’s the deal with this group? Is he part of the republic, or were they just sneaking around? This guy seems to be everywhere the plot needs him to be.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1272

“Well, in this sun, without transportation, they’re as good as dead.”

Uhh… or they could have water.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1273

She knows what’s up. You fucking DROP.

Honestly, aside from being a zealot, I like this chick.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1274

Tanks are pretty sezy.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1275

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1276

“It’s Jones all right.”

He’s so certain. And yet… completely wrong.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1277

“Who are all these people?”

“Who cares, as long as they’re keeping Donovan busy.”

Busy enough for what?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1278

GRENADES!

Colin:

Potato mashers. They have a great name, but I’m torn about the shape. Do you really want a long, thin grenade for throwing? I guess it’d be like those foxtail things that kids would play with when we were little. But American grenades feel better for lobbing. The tie-breaker might be that if an American grenade falls when you’re about to toss it, you’re pretty fucked. A German grenade, you might be able to catch.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1279

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1280

WILHELM SCREAM!

Colin:

Wilhelm!

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1281

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1282

These guys are pretty bad at sneak attacks.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1283

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1284

Colin:

Toss the grenade to blow them up and then shoot them too? Part of this feels redundant, but when it comes to dispatching armed assailants, redundancy is your friend.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1285

America loves dead brown people.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1286

Colin:

How did you know to look for that tattoo? Do you know who these guys are? Are you on the lookout for them? If so, how did the shiftiest of Arabs make it into your private party with the king like 5 minutes ago?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1287

“I’m going after those horses.”

“I’ll take the camels.”

“I don’t need camels.”

Colin:

Why did he take off Sallah’s hat and put it in his hands? Was that cause it stood out? That always seemed really rude to me. “We’re both wearing hats, but fuck yours! This is no occasion for you to be wearing a hat!”

Maybe because they’re shooting brown people in hats now.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1288

“But Indy…”

“No camels.”

Colin:

Yeah, camels are ridiculous. And they spit a lot. And bite. But then again, Sallah probably knows what the hell he’s talking about.

And yet, you know there are gonna be camels.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1289

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1290

Colin:

She doesn’t look too fine in this picture. More skeleton-like.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1291

He basically tells them evil won’t win.

Colin:

I love that Donovan just asks, “Who is he?” to nobody in particular as the guy is still breathing and staring at them. There are few greater ‘fuck yous’ than talking about a dying man like he can’t hear you.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1292

And then dies in the most obvious Jesus way possible.

Colin:

Nice color, though. You’ve got good blood, man.

It’s insane how fake this looks. And yet… I love it.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1293

Holy fuck, that’s a way to take down a motherfucker.

Colin:

You usually don’t expect anything to come from above while you’re riding a horse, huh? Lancers from below, perhaps, but not a white man from the sky.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1294

Colin:

And through all of this, the two guys trying to hold this horse down like ten feet away don’t notice a thing. Can’t they hear the trumpets telling us something badass is happening?

How much of this was a horse fall? Or did the horse just get yanked down?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1295

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1296

That horse wants to fuck him up right now.

Colin:

I like how all of these guys are wearing crazy desert gear that makes them look like part of Xerxes’ outfit.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1297

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1298

Nice, just whap a motherfucker in the face for good measure.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1299

Colin:

Don’t look so glum, you’re in a tank!

I want to ride in a tank. Did you guys see Milk Fury?

Don’t Look So Glum, You’re in a Tank

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1300

He came to rescue him.

“Fold.”

Colin:

That was the whitest handshake I’ve ever seen.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1301

Or not.

Colin:

You were bound to get caught. I mean, come on. You just walked into a mobile prison and did your white people handshake, and didn’t expect to get caught?

You Walked into a Mobile Prison and Did Your White People Handshake

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1302

“What does the diary tell you that it doesn’t tell us?”

What a stupid question.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1303

Colin:

More glove slaps.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1304

“It tells me that goose-stepping morons like yourself should try reading books instead of burning them.”

Colin:

Don’t you love it when Sean gets pissed and the Scotland comes out?

Nothing makes me happier than the “winners go home and fuck the prom queen” speech from The Rock.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1305

“Captain, Jones is getting away.”

“I think not, Herr Donovan.”

Colin:

Why are you putting your leather gloves back on in this heat?

I love that he just pops into the tank hole and starts talking.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1306

Love that cackle.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1307

Why does he need all these horses?

Colin:

Can’t Donovan just tell people to shoot him? I feel like the Nazis would totally go along with it.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1308

“Sallah! I said no camels, that’s five camels. Can’t you count?”

“Compensation for my brother-in-law’s car. Indy, your father and Brody–”

Colin:

I don’t have a brother in law, but if I ever do, I can’t wait to say that.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1309

“They have them in the belly of that steel beast.”

Colin:

That ‘steel beast.’ Why does that sound more Native American than Arab to me? “Eh, brown people, right?” said Hollywood.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1310

Scale.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1311

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1312

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1313

Colin:

Where did his other horses go?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1314

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1315

Colin:

Just watching that tank come after him, it’s immediately apparent what makes the image. Look at all the sand and dust that thing is kicking up! It’s made from a real excavator, and they were really chasing him with it! Now think of what it’d have looked like if this was a Star Wars prequel tank. Maybe a pebble would move here and there.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1316

Nice looking shot.

Also, no way that horse doesn’t get scared shitless and fall over.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1317

Colin:

What’s his real goal here? It looks like he’s running, but he has to get Sean and Denholm, right? So what’s the plan? Just run? That thing has a top speed of 6 miles per hour.

Oh, he’s just… horsing around.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1318

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1319

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1320

This is nice.

How shitty would this be today? Because nothing would be real, and you wouldn’t be able to think of these awesome places to put the camera.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1321

This guy’s got a hell of a moustache.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1322

How long before we get a schnell?

Colin:

I imagine it’s hard not to be typecast in this kind of role. Once you have one “Slap-happy Nazi” on your credits, you probably have several.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1323

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1324

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1325

Driver’s license photo.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1326

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1327

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1328

Colin:

That was a productive ruse.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1329

Oh, sucks for you, Werner.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1330

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1331

There we go!

Wouldn’t be a proper Nazi movie without a good “Schnell!”

Colin:

Yes, yell ‘schnell’ a few more times.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1332

Are they gonna fire through the car? Because they should fire through the car.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1333

This face.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1334

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1335

Colin:

That’s some skill there, to lean all the way down on your horse. I couldn’t even scratch my own foot at a full gallop. I wonder who did that. That’s some stuff you’d see on an old cavalry Western, back when the riders were still former US horse cavalrymen. So, pre-1943.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1336

This face.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1337

That was cool.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1338

And they just killed that guy.

Colin:

If you’re blasting your own guys off your tank and then running them over, that’s bad. You’re bad.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1339

Colin:

See? These shots would suck without all the dust, and dust is one of those things that needs to be real to look real.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1340

Stuffing that shit like it’s Tanksgiving.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1341

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1342

German people with guns like to shout things.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1343

Oh yeah. That’s the stuff.

Colin:

Nice shot with the crosshairs. I love crosshairs. Remember Enemy at the Gates? Not the best movie in the world, but pretty entertaining, and lots of crosshairs.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1344

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1345

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1346

All right.

Colin:

Does that work? I always thought that was bullshit, like the rock would come out too. I know it seems instinctual to stuff something in a gun barrel, but it seems to me that you’re just looking to get shot with a big bullet AND a rock.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1347

The exploding cigar of tank guns.

Colin:

I can’t see that and not think of a trick cigar. I don’t know if those are real, but they should be. Ahaha. Check “trick cigar” on Urban Dictionary. It involves doo doo and is exactly what it sounds like.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1348

“Yeah, motherfucker, we took out that tank! EEHEHEHEHEHE!!”

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1349

Colin:

Marcus looks sick of this.

Yeah, something like that.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1350

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1351

Colin:

Only real smoke streaming off a person looks that good!

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1352

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1353

The hand cannon is back.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1354

Colin:

That massive Webley he’s firing takes a .455 caliber shell. I’m amazed it doesn’t make his horse do a wheelie. Listen to how meaty it sounds compared to Vogel’s Luger. Still, the Luger’s a beast, as we’re about to see.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1355

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1356

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1357

Colin:

Arabian horses always have to have tassels. Though I always picture Anthony Quinn riding Arabian horses. Mike knows what I’m talking about. He gets The Message.

Broken glass, everywhere.

Colin:

That joke was ex-Zorba-tently bad.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1358

Colin:

Why are there random side streets in the desert?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1359

We had to have done this at least three times in this franchise.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1360

Tally ho!

Colin:

I will never jump onto a tank. I only jump off tanks.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1361

What happens to the horse?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1362

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1363

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1364

He ain’t that big. And he’s old as fuck. This isn’t a boss fight.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1365

NAZI OUT OF NOWHERE!

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1366

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1367

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1368

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1369

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1370

SLAP!

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1371

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1372

Colin:

Through three people. That’s a bullet.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1373

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1374

Nice reaction.

I like when action heroes are surprised when things work, rather than doing something badass and pretending like it was all part of the plan.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1375

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1376

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1377

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1378

Colin:

There’s not really much to be said about this, other than…how much more can you get into something as a kid? This is a guy fighting Nazis with his bare hands on top of a tank rolling through the desert. I can’t tell you how thrilled I was watching this as a kid, and the fact that he killed people didn’t leave me scarred.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1379

Colin:

“Dad! Daaahhhh! DUUUHHH!” Sorry, but that sounded pretty short bus.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1380

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1381

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1382

Punched a guy in the face while being choked to death.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1383

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1384

This’ll end well.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1385

Tanks for the memories.

Colin:

Nobody taught that guy to roll to the right.

They don’t show the streak of blood on the treads. Thought they’d have continued that little motif.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1386

This is it. This is your moment.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1387

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1388

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1389

Interesting shot choice.

Colin:

That thing has a periscope? More things need periscopes. Just once in my life, I want to say the words “coming to periscope depth” outside the context of oral sex.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1390

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1391

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1392

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1393

That is… unsettling.

Colin:

I had the way this German laughs. Stop laughing like that. He has the same inflection as Short Round saying, “Ha ha! Very FAH-ny!”

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1394

I’m guessing that was, These Americans are a bunch of pussies.”

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1395

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1396

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1397

Colin:

Good. I’m glad he got slapped around.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1398

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1399

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1400

Aww… just like Junior.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1401

This would be a great way to kill someone. Of course, it’s not happening here, with Indy, but still would be cool.

Colin:

It’s weird how this is a boss fight. This older Nazi colonel and a much younger American who beats the shit out of people all the time.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1402

Scott Caan Nazi.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1403

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1404

So are you guys just there to cheer, or what?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1405

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1406

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1407

Of course, his pen.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1408

Colin:

Do fountain pens just do that? Reminds me of a girl I knew. Loved squid stuff.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1409

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1410

Death by ink?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1411

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1412

“Henry the pen. Don’t you see? The pen is mightier than the sword.”

Colin:

Sometimes British people let their accents get away from them.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1413

That face.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1414

But the sword is pretty fucking nice too.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1415

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1416

BAM.

Colin:

And with that, Sean Connery killed more men in one moment than he did in entire James Bond films.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1417

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1418

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1419

Colin:

See? Rolling is easy. That Nazi deserved to die for his rotational impairment.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1420

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1421

Simplicity is always a good thing.

Colin:

At this point, the colonel should really get a gun and shoot him.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1422

Just… hop off.

Colin:

And now, shouldn’t he just drop off and come after the tank again? Why does he have to hang on?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1423

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1424

“Look what you did!”

Get it?

“It’s war!”

Killing people is okay if it’s war.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1425

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1426

That’s a shovel to the face.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1427

That’s flattering.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1428

This guy’s still here?!

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1429

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1430

Well that seems excessive.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1431

You’re telling me that strap won’t break if you tried hard enough?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1432

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1433

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1434

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1435

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1436

That driver is just screaming for no reason.

Colin:

Isn’t the driver still around to figure out that the other Nazis have been beaten up? Why is he still driving if there’s nobody to chase? This whole moving tank thing is unnecessary when you think about it. This would all have gone much more smoothly for them if they decided to stop and just circle him.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1437

Colin:

The driver just pulled those levers completely, so this thing should be turning totally into the wall, but it seems not to be.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1438

EWW! Ink licker!

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1439

Colin:

Don’t they know not to be messing with guns inside a tank? Knives.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1440

His faces.

Colin:

That hat is good for falling rubble and stuff.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1441

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1442

But really though.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1443

That’s a good weapon.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1444

A HA HA HA

This is how I wanna go.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1445

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1446

What if that was Kurt Russell?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1447

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1448

Faces.

Colin:

And at age 4, there was no problem seeing this guy get shot in the head.

The second movie barely had any guns, but in the ones with Nazis — someone always gets shot in the head.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1449

That doesn’t look very good for you.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1450

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1451

Wow.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1452

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1453

Colin:

They really got their money’s worth for these punching sounds, huh?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1454

Hey! I just killed like twelve guys!

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1455

Colin:

Nice blood spatter on the tank!

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1456

“You call this archaeology?”

Colin:

Why, if the driver was slumped over on the left lever, is the tank now going straight? It also didn’t appear that the levers were spring-loaded, so even if he fell down, it would still be going in clockwise circles.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1457

“How does one get off this thing?”

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1458

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1459

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1460

Colin:

Shovel fight!

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1461

Colin:

“You dig what I’m sayin’, you jive motherfucka?!”

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1462

That’s barbed wire.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1463

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1464

There goes Marcus.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1465

“Where’s Marcus?”