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Fun with Franchises: Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989), Part V — “A God Dick to the Nazi Hole”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.

We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.

We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.

Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.

Right now, we’re doing the Indiana Jones franchise, and today is the fifth and final part of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - Title Card

We begin Part V right before all the shit goes down. I mean, that’s what Part V is.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1522

I like how it’s so clearly marked when we’re hitting the home stretch.

“The Canyon of the Crescent Moon.”

Or it’s a big fucking smiley face.

Colin:

That canyon looks like a butt crack.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1523

Great shot.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1524

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1525

All you need to feel like an adventure movie is shots like this.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1526

Greater shot.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1527

There are at least two or three shots I can think of where only one lens of Connery’s glasses is reflecting.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1528

This place is fucking awesome.

Also, begs the question… how has nobody found this, exactly? Ever?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1529

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1530

I love red rocks.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1531

Come on, I know it’s coming. Where are they?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1532

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1533

This some Minas Tirith shit. And you know how we loved us some Minas Tirith.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1534

AWW SHIT IT’S THE HOLY GRAIL SON EEEHEHEHEEHEHEHEE!

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1535

I have way too much fun writing for horses with crazy eyes.

It’s funny because the last horse with crazy eyes was in Minas Tirith.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1536

RIGHT THOUGH?!

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1537

It’s insane how good this looks.

Colin:

Guess what’s better than filming on location? Hint: nothing.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1538

I’d live in a house like this. Totally would.

Colin:

This music still sounds like Peruvian pipe flute.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1539

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1540

Oh man. This is some silent film shit. Panning up to show you the scale of the set. Intolerance.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1541

I love how in all these movies the main character gather together at the end to encounter whatever supernatural force is the MacGuffin.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1542

Colin:

You know this place is used for enhanced interrogation these days. Let’s see Indiana Jones stand up to some waterboarding.

Indiana Jones and the Patriot Act

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1543

So apparently fucking everyone found the place at once?

(Also, just like the beginning.)

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1544

Scarecrow should have come prepared. That’s all I’m saying.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1545

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1546

You know he dead.

Honestly, why not just wait for them to exhaust all of their resources? If the diary can only be read by Connery, how likely are they to get through all three traps before all of their henchmen are killed?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1547

Colin:

Breathing: that’s not now you do it.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1548

Pick one of them up and use them as a shield.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1549

Maybe clear some of these webs out.

Colin:

I’m always creeped out by all the spider webs clinging to his sweaty face. That’s gross. How about we take a flamethrower to all these spider webs?

They are seriously ill-prepared for this.

Plus it’s like — you know it’s in here. Maybe put some people on finding another way in.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1550

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1551

So I’m curious — did the knight decide to stay in here, and all these traps were built afterward? Seems like this guy just took it upon himself to protect the cup. Mostly my questions is — is there no one to clean out these spiderwebs?

And has no one stumbled across this place by accident?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1552

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1553

The God Breath.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1554

So the only reason the penitent man kneels is because otherwise he’ll be decapitated.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1555

Colin:

Since they get decapitated by the blades, why is this one dead body so close to the entrance?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1556

Nice shot. The head rolling.

Colin:

A shorter guy would be fine. Why does nobody crouch? I’m always about crouching in situations.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1557

Colin:

Another ‘volunteer.’ Yeah, I’m sure they’re all volunteers.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1558

Do we ever figure out why Marcus came along?

We needed a Short Round?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1559

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1560

That’s a curious expression to make when someone pulls a gun on you.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1561

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1562

Colin:

Notice how fast all the Arabs turn around and run forward with their guns. They’re all okay with the discovery of new bad guys here cause it’s something else to pretend to be doing instead of getting chopped. We all need distractions to keep from getting chopped sometimes.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1563

Parlay.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1564

There’s gonna be a rumble tonight.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1565

This is some X-Men shit.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1566

“I never expected to see you again.”

The correct response is, “Damn baby, you lookin’ fine as hell.”

Colin:

Elsa’s shirt is billowy. It’s unbelievable. She just turned 50 and still looks good. The Doody abides.

“I’m like a bad penny. I always turn up.”

All… right.

Colin:

‘Bad penny’ is a term I enjoy because it doesn’t really make sense unless you figure out what its original meaning was. It refers to counterfeit coins in the past, back when a penny was worth something. Now, a ‘bad penny’ that always turns up seems like more of an inconvenience, like, “Oh, it’s that penny again. I don’t want to pick it up.” And then you vacuum it like we all have at some point.

Bad pennies are always getting turnt up.

But what will they turn down for?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1567

Jones is getting the Grail.

Colin:

Iggy and the Nazi Stooges. Worst punk band ever.

What if Indy dies? Then who goes?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1568

Then he says some shit about Nazis. Basically, he doesn’t give a fuck. He just wants the Grail. Everlasting life.

Colin:

Wait. You’re working for Hitler and getting the grail for him, so even if you drink from it, won’t he also? Isn’t the idea that he can use it for evil and stuff? What makes you think that you drinking from it first means he won’t also gain eternal life?

And then, when Hitler gets eternal life… well, we know what that means.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1569

“The Grail is mine.”

That’s a Walther. (Donovan.)

“And you’re going to get it for me.”

Connery’s got the tie loose. Casual Friday.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1570

“Shooting me won’t get you anywhere.”

“You know something, Dr. Jones? You’re absolutely right.”

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1571

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1572

You walked right into that one.

Colin:

That’s cold blooded.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1573

“Junior…”

Colin:

I’ve realized that Sean Connery mostly just says ‘Junior’ in this movie.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1574

At least you saw Venice.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1575

“Get back!”

Yeah! Get back, Loretta!

Colin:

We’re supposed to care about her a little more because of her crying at the book burning and being upset that the old man she fucked just got shot in the gut.

To be fair, she actually has more character development than both Karen Allen and Kate Capshaw. All of Allen’s development came before the movie even started, and all of Capshaw… well, she just yells a lot. At least with Doody, she’s invested in the Grail, she likes Indy, isn’t necessarily invested in the Nazis, hates the book burning — there’s almost a full-fledged character here. Probably the best we’re gonna get for a film like this.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1576

 

That’s a 1938 bullet, too. That’s at least 43% more lethal than a today bullet.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1577

What are you prepared to do?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1578

“You can’t save him when you’re dead. The healing power of the Grail is the only thing that can save your father now.”

Because how are you gonna save him… if you’re DEAD?!!!

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1579

“It’s time to ask yourself what you believe.”

This is the point where USA would cut to commercial in the TV version.

Colin:

I’m into this, though. The Belloq speech in Raiders was good, but this is pretty forceful in getting him to submit.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1580

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1581

“I believe y’all are fucked.”

And then he pulls out a giant shotgun and blasts him.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1582

Look at Pvt. Pile Nazi.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1583

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1584

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1585

I mean… what’s so nerve-wracking about this? Everyone else got beheaded. So… fucking duck.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1586

“Remember who you are.”

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1587

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1588

“The penitent man will pass.”

He should put that on his syllabus.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1589

Watch out for them temple guards, man.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1590

That lion thinks this is hilarious.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1591

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1592

Nice shot.

You guys ever see The Wrong Man?

This isn’t exactly more like that. This is more, he’s gonna get shot if he doesn’t go. That one’s more like sasquatch. They’re equally funny.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1593

“The penitent man will pass.”

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1594

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1595

“The penitent man will pass.”

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1596

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1597

“The penitent man will pass.”

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1598

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1599

How many fucking times you gonna say penitent?

Colin:

How many times can two men say ‘penitent?’ Also, what did they do to Connery’s voice? Cause it’s awesome.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1600

He’s still going!

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1601

Has this been turned into a remix? Because the fucking hobbits are going to Isenguard.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1602

Speaking of, this is some Shelob shit right here. How can there be that many spiderwebs in one place?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1603

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1604

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1605

Colin:

Doo doo slices.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1606

Wow… God sure does know a lot about mechanical engineering.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1607

So, wooden cranks operating very sharp metal… yeah, I’m sure that still works after 700 years.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1608

Why are there no spider webs on that?

And why hasn’t the wood rotted through yet?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1609

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1610

“I’m through!”

I said, on prom night.

If someone says “look at all the blood” in the next three minutes, things will start to get weird.

Colin:

He says he’s through. But is he finished?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1611

“We’re through.”

Just taking credit, aren’t you?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1612

Hey, hey! He’s not dead!

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1613

Oh, but he’s not doing well.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1614

Second challenge. Footsteps.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1615

Oh good. A spelling test.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1616

“The word of God!”

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1617

“The name of God.”

How does he know all this? Did the bullet allow him to figure shit out?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1618

“Jehovah.”

To the izzo.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1619

“But in the Latin alphabet, Jehovah begins with an I.”

Colin:

So, this is a funny challenge. Cause back in the day, everyone would have known that “Jehovah” began with an ‘i,’ so it becomes a test of, can you read? Which back in the day, was hard.

Why is he wearing a bracelet like a teenage girl?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1620

“J.”

Colin:

Uh oh. The score just went minor key, so something bad is gonna happen.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1621

Colin:

I’ll always remember this as the first Leroy Jenkins moment I ever saw. He says the letter J like such an overconfident douche.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1622

This doesn’t seem so bad.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1623

Now, I’m cool with this trap and all, but how the fuck are only a certain number of stones reinforced there? How’d you make that one happen?

Also, it seems like there is some shit to do down here, so it’s not like you’re completely dead if you fall. Right? Or is it just a bad angle, Tyrone?

Colin:

What if it WAS J and it only crumbled because it was so old? The most interesting part is, nobody will ever make that mistake again cause he broke the J.

It’s strange how these places are only meant to be gone through once.

It’s kind of like Pokémon in that sense. How everything is set up to be done once, and only the worthy do it. And once it’s over… it’s just over, that’s it.

Yet these movies somehow have a way of destroying all of these places right when we’re done with them. Somehow they all have a self-destruct button.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1624

He’s got an audience.

Hope you remembered how to put that monkey statue together.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1625

“Idiot. In Latin Jehovah starts with an I.”

Of course it does. God always starts with an I.

Colin:

There’s a weird telepathy thing going here. Although, I suppose it’s more like – he’s a good son and an okay Christian, or at least his heart is in the right place, so he’ll get it just as well as his father.

So if he didn’t say anything, and hopped across the iehovah before they came through, theoretically, they would have no idea how to follow him.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1626

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1627

What if that only took him half way? What then?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1628

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1629

Colin:

Indiana Jones doesn’t get any more Sesame Street than this.

Still waiting for Sesame Street to use my idea for a letter song. Nuthin’ But a ‘G’ Thang.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1630

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1631

“O…. shit.”

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1632

Twister should be more like this.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1633

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1634

Do they know how to spell too?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1635

Is this the lion’s head he has to leap from?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1636

Leap of faith time.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1637

Colin:

I appreciate a nice chasm.

My pickup line.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1638

Objectively, there’s no way he shouldn’t see this.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1639

Yes, we get it.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1640

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1641

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1642

Every movie should have random cuts to Connery screaming like this.

It’s like he’s giving birth.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1643

“You must believe, boy.”

How does he know where he is?

Colin:

It’s like him not believing is what makes Connery’s gut hurt, and not the bullet.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1644

Religious bullshit.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1645

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1646

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1647

That’s an exaggerated step.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1648

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1649

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1650

CUE THE BEACH BOYS!

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1651

Seriously, how can you not see this?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1652

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1653

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1654

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1655

That’s a pretty narrow footbridge to be taking a leap of faith on.

Also, what does it say about God if all the miracles and shit turn out to be nothing but cheap parlor tricks?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1656

Also, no way that works in real life. At all.

Colin:

That looks like the Bridge of Khazad Dum.

You’re missing a ‘b’ on the end of that.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1657

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1658

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1659

IT’S FUCKING CONNECTED. You should be able to see that.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1660

Why throw the dirt? Make them figure it out.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1661

This is how green screen works.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1662

Colin:

I thought you had to believe for the bridge to work. This means it’s just invisible and the second he put the pebbles on it, it’s just a cheap trick. That’s kind of a bummer.

Religion.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1663

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1664

This should have been Gene Wilder dressed as Willy Wonka.

Colin:

Is that just holy fire? How is that still burning? Does he go to 7-11 for food? How is that oil still going? Why does this make me feel like Hannukah wasn’t shit?

I have more questions. How does the water keep getting refilled when he drinks from it? Where does he shit? Is he pissing into the water? Is that how it’s getting refilled? How can you be sitting here for 700 years just chilling like this?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1665

How is that book still together after that much time?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1666

What exactly have you been doing for a thousand years? Just chilling, reading that book? How much do you masturbate?

Colin:

Here’s the dumbass knight, reading this whatever story for the 14,621st time.

Does he just drink from the cup and then hide it for visitors? Because honestly, the right cup is probably the one he’s got next to him.

Colin:

Does the grail work with Strawberry Kiwi Kraze Hi-C?

The real Grail test should have been putting the Capri Sun straw into the container. Then you’re guaranteed everyone would fail.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1667

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1668

That would suck. To get here and then be killed by a 700 year old man.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1669

Well shit, man.

Colin:

Wasn’t expecting that shit.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1670

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1671

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1672

You old bastard.

Colin:

Go home, man. You’re drunk.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1673

Apparently they wanted Laurence Olivier to play this part. But he was dying at the time. So…. He chose poorly.

Colin:

My brother has a real broadsword. I think I mentioned this once. It’s real folded steel, so you can wail on a brick wall and it doesn’t bend.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1674

He should start touching his head and acting all weird. The guy would have no idea what to make of current society.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1675

Lighting to make him look deathly. It’s the simple things.

“Knew you’d come. My strength has left me.”

Colin:

Why does he speak English? And proper English?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1676

“Who are you?”

“The last of three brothers.”

He’s the one with the Invisibility Cloak, right?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1677

“Who swore an oath to find the Grail, and guard it.”

Why would that be your oath?

That’s like saying, “I’m gonna find the Loch Ness Monster… and then, if it’s not fake, make sure no one else ever sees it.”

“That was 700 years ago.”

Colin:

How does he know how long it was? Not Jones, but the knight. Does he go outside? Does he know day and night while hanging out here?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1678

“I know, motherfucker. Look at me.”

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1679

“Strangely dressed, for a knight.”

Colin:

This guy has clearly been practicing this for like…699 years, 11 months and 30 days.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1680

He offers Indy his sword. Apparently he “vanquished him.”

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1681

“Listen, I don’t have time to explain, but…”

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1682

But the Doody is about to hit the fan.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1683

Colin:

How much would that fuck you up? You’ve been waiting for 700 years and finally someone shows up, and then within 20 seconds, two more people. And one of them is a CHICK.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1684

Pretty funny how the last test for finding the Grail is a multiple choice.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1685

“Which one is it?”

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1686

“You must choose. But choose wisely.”

He looks like he’s giving a huge line of bullshit right here.

Colin:

Why’s he telling Donovan to choose? Wouldn’t you be like, “Oh, actually, this guy got here first.”

Why not wait it out? This guy will die if he doesn’t drink from it. Play chicken with him.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1687

“For as the true Grail will bring you life, the false Grail will take it from you.”

Colin:

But how is he gonna choose WHEN HE’S DEAD?!

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1688

“I’m not a historian. I have no idea what it looks like.”

Colin:

Where’d he get all these cups? Ye Olde Crate and Barrel? Oh, wait. Weren’t they French? Le Vieux Sur la Table? Wait, they were totally French, but they’re speaking English! What?

They stole it from the Jews, naturally.

Isn’t that where all treasure is gotten from?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1689

“Let me choose.”

Her panties are flooded.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1690

Colin:

It’s pretty great how Indiana and the knight are both covered in such white light. They seem holy, while these two seem…mortal.

Again, we enter a climax where our hero is essentially passive. He does everything to get people there, and then the villain does too much and ruins it, and he just gets out of there alive.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1691

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1692

How exactly did that selection process go?

Colin:

He has more faith than anyone else here if he’s gonna let her choose, watch her put ZERO thought into it and then just go for it.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1693

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1694

She’s so confident that she picked the right one.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1695

And he just doesn’t give a fuck. He’ll wait and see how this plays out.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1696

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1697

Why do you assume that’s the right one? You have an infinitesimal chance at getting it right.

Colin:

Ew, don’t drink from that stagnant pool of old ass water! I can’t find a single aspect of this whole situation that I’m okay with.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1698

This certainly is the cup of the King of Kings.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1699

Well shit, make the knight drink it first.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1700

You made everyone else go first, and here you take the lead? Logic just went right out the fucking window right now, didn’t it?

Colin:

Whatever happened to goblets? I’d love a gimlet in a goblet.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1701

Nice flash of green there.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1702

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1703

Colin:

Musical tinglies. Bad sign for your everlasting life.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1704

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1705

Well now don’t you feel like an asshole?

Colin:

I hope that was a god dick fucking him in the Nazi hole.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1706

It would be interesting if she deliberately gave him the wrong one just because.

But no, she just has no idea what she’s doing, seems to be the case.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1707

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1708

So if you now drink from the actual Grail, does the process reverse?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1709

You had a good run.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1710

You think she fucked him too?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1711

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1712

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1713

Love the Harryhausen effects.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1714

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1715

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1716

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1717

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1718

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1719

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1720

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1721

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1722

Colin:

This is just gross. Gross. Still. Donovan got what was coming to him, the bastard.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1723

Honestly, the worst part is now having to be covered in that stuff.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1724

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1725

What’s the Nazi version of the Sierra Madre?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1726

“He chose… poorly.”

No… she chose poorly. He was just an idiot.

Colin:

What a versatile line. Like when you see a guy fighting with his ratchet girl at the store. Or when a dude gets Taco Bell shits.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1727

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1728

So now he gets to choose?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1729

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1730

“It would not be made out of gold.”

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1731

“That’s the cup of a carpenter.”

Ah, that one we’ve never seen before. Also, it’s the only cup that doesn’t look like the others. Why the fuck wouldn’t it be that one?

Colin:

Once again, you don’t even look at ALL of them. You’ve made it through a third of them and just grab it.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1732

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1733

“There’s only one way to find out.”

Colin:

The amusing part? Harrison Ford was a carpenter before he started acting.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1734

Maybe it’s the shitty water that killed Donovan.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1735

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1736

That cup looks like soft clay.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1737

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1738

“You have chosen… wisely.”

At least give him a minute to finish drinking. No suspense at all.

“Now fucking wash that shit. I gotta stay here.”

Colin:

What the cashier at Chipotle should say. And what I tell ladies.

I tell them the other one.

“But the Grail cannot pass beyond the great seal. That is the boundary. And the price of immortality.”

Uhh… sure. Why, exactly? Just cause? Convenience?

Colin:

The grail can’t leave, but ‘the price of immortality’ sounds like you can’t leave either.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1739

He’s got that Jim Broadbent look.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1740

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1741

Colin:

It’s hard to feed someone doing Connery lips.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1742

How come no one else gets a hit of the Jesus cup?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1743

Also, have we established what exactly one cup of Jesus juice gives you, life-wise?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1744

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1745

Colin:

Weirdly – or not – this is not the first time in franchises that we’ve seen someone bathe Sean Connery.

Ahh… Twilight.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1746

That doesn’t look very healthy.

Also, The Fountain is a really underrated movie.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1747

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1748

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1749

They had to shave him for this.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1750

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1751

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1752

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1753

So what happens to the bullet?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1754

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1755

What did you do?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1756

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1757

Is this where he realizes it’s the Grail?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1758

Your life’s work. That’s gotta feel nice. And all you had to do was get shot.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1759

Put some booze in it!

Also, how does that cup work, exactly? Can you put any water in it and it just works? Seems like a weird ability for a cup to just have.

I’d love to be a Grail-coholic. Destroying my liver and fixing it at the same time.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1760

How much are these guys getting paid?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1761

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1762

The peasants run away, naturally.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1763

“Drop your guns. Please.”

Colin:

Of course the flunkies run away. And then Sallah chimes in with his cautious braggadocio.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1764

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1765

Colin:

Why did you leave it on the floor? I’m pretty sure if you kick the grail, you get the god dick.

It takes the grail off the floor or else it gets the dick again.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1766

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1767

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1768

“We have got it!”

What did he JUST say?!

Also, “we”? You’re still with the Nazis? Do they know what happened to Donovan? How does the chain of command work here?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1769

Ladies and gentlemen… the Great Seal!

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1770

“It’s ours.”

Maybe she’s talking to Indy? She thinks they’re gonna end up together?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1771

Colin:

Who edges away like that while someone’s telling them not to move? Either you stand still and listen, or you tell them to fuck themselves and just leave. There’s no slow walk backwards.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1772

Maybe don’t walk over the seal. Just saying.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1773

Yeah, if shit starts shaking, don’t look at the walls, you run.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1774

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1775

Not sure what kind of system this is. How it knew the wooden cup crossed the line.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1776

Colin:

You can see the crack in the floor there. I wonder how many times they dropped it to get it just right.

I like sets that were built like this, to just separate. That

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1777

Not even gonna ask how that shit’s possible. Because apparently it just is.

Also, remember when they repeated this ending in the next movie?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1778

Great job. You just lost the Grail.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1779

One hell of a dive though. She laid out for that shit.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1780

HOW DO YOU FUCK THAT UP?!

Colin:

Oh, and she fumbles it.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1781

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1782

First… that must be fun as hell.

Second… LOVE the tally hos.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1783

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1784

Safe!

Colin:

Nice slide. I’d have let her die. She was a freak, no doubt, but you have to let her go.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1785

Why can’t we build sets like this anymore?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1786

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1787

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1788

Somehow it managed to stay just there.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1789

That face is never good for your survival.

Unless you’ve had your face taken off and swapped for that of your rival.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1790

Colin:

Sweaty hands in a leather glove. A recipe for success.

That’s the name of my third autobiography.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1791

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1792

Colin:

Good scream. The Call of Doody.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1793

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1794

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1795

Nice stunt. Like the hiding of the mat.

Colin:

I wonder where she ended up. Is that just a crack to hell? Is that all it is?

I think she’s just further down in the mountain.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1796

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1797

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1798

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1799

“Junior, give me your other hand!”

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1800

Motherfucker… we JUST had that lesson.

Colin:

Ah hah, and now the shoe is on the other foot or whatever.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1801

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1802

“I can get it — I can almost reach it, Dad.”

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1803

Colin:

This is when having the Force would be great. This and EVERY OTHER TIME EVER.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1804

“Indiana… Indiana…”

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1805

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1806

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1807

“Let it go.”

Colin:

The music stopping and everything calming down only confirmed what we all already knew. Sean Connery is God.

Yesh.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1808

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1809

Shweaty hands.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1810

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1811

What an awesome set.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1812

This face is amazing.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1813

Colin:

Oh jam, the old guy showed up? How did he make it through the second test backwards? Didn’t you have to hop for that? I feel like he’s too old to make it through that.

He’s just gonna die now. That’s fucked up.

I kinda hope he starts breakdancing like the Six Flags dude before he goes.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1814

And now you’re the one wanting to leave?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1815

Colin:

What a weak wave. Shouldn’t he be pissed that he didn’t listen to him and fucked everything up? Is he gonna die in this rubble now? Isn’t that just old age for you, though? Everyone fucks everything up, and the best you can do is wave a little bit and say, “Okay…bye!”

I think that’s what crazy, smiling old people are thinking all the time. That if they skip being mad and just smile weirdly instead, they can get home and watch The Price is Right a little faster. Sure, it’s not Bob Barker anymore, but the guy had to retire sometime, right? And Drew Carey’s done quite a job with it, making it his own thing. Good for him. What do you think Bob Barker used to watch while he was at home eating soup from a tray table? What was I talking about?

So is this his way of protecting the Grail? Letting it fall into the mountain as the inside crumbles and you die because of Nazis and a teacher from Connecticut?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1816

Colin:

Just look at him and remember how much work that hairpiece did in The Hunt for Red October. What a great fucking movie that is.

Connery and Cage are the two whose movie hairpieces have done the most work.

Willis is a distant, distant third.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1817

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1818

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1819

I hope he finished his book.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1820

Colin:

We’re running out of chances for Sean Connery to slip in a ‘Jamal Wallace’ before this movie ends.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1821

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1822

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1823

Colin:

It’s funny if you imagine all the dust billowing from that cave to be the knight jizzing for the first time in 700 years. Cause of course it’d be dusty, and of course you’d run from it.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1824

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1825

“Elsa never really believed in the Grail. She thought she’d found a prize.”

Colin:

The prize. After seeing Fallon on Seinfeld’s web series, I can’t hear that the same way. The story about how Fallon was at a World Series game with Lorne Michaels and Jack Nicholson, and while he’s eating Cracker Jacks, Nicholson asks him, “Did you get the prize yet?” And in the Nicholson voice, that’s amazing, like most things. Also, Jimmy Fallon does a decent Jack Nicholson impression.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1826

“What did you find, Dad?”

Colin:

He found that getting shot in the belly (the job of secret service agents, coincidentally) is not a pleasant experience.

‘Pleasant experience’ is such a great Connery phrase.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1827

“Illumination.”

Not your son?

Colin:

So how does this work now? He’s immortal? I mean, the next movie shows that his dad has died, so we know they’re not officially immortal, but what’s with that? I know the knight says the grail can’t cross the seal, but it must mean you have to keep drinking from it like every day to stay alive. “The price of immortality” doesn’t seem so bad if you just have to show up and drink from it and then be immortal. But I guess he has to keep drinking. Bummer.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1828

Colin:

It’s weird to me that they don’t turn around and go back inside now that the shaking and shit has stopped. Maybe check the 700-year-old man’s vitals and stuff. Nah, he’s probably better off dead.

Or maybe see if the Grail is retrievable. It seems weird to be like, “Oh, well, no one will ever find this again, we’re good.”

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1829

“What did you find, Junior?”

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1830

“Junior?! Dad…”

Colin:

When you think about it, Jr. is a pretty shitty thing to be called. It means your identity is defined by your father, at least until he dies. And then once you die, it’s defined by him again. Also, you don’t get to be “the Second” unless the name skips at least one generation.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1831

“Please, what does it always mean, this Junior?”

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1832

“That’s his name. Henry Jones, Junior.”

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1833

“I like Indiana.”

“We named the dog Indiana.”

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1834

“May we go home now, please?”

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1835

“The dog? You are named after the dog?!”

Colin:

John Rhys-Davies, you are divine.

Tree? I am no tree.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1836

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1837

“I’ve got a lot of fond memories of that dog.”

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1838

Colin:

It just occurred to me that he’s covering his bald-ass head. There are a bunch of bald guys in my office and they’re always wearing hats to protect from exposure. I think I take hair for granted.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1839

“Indy, Henry, follow me, I know the way. HAH!”

Colin:

This seems strange from Marcus, but what the hell. I mean, I get that it’s supposed to be a joke, but what person in this situation would say something like that and take off? This is not a time for levity or impulsive action. You just watched dozens of people die and you have no provisions, heading out into a desert on horseback. Also, you know the way through the canyon? Congratulations, asshole.

That’s like telling someone you know the way to New Jersey as you drive into the Lincoln Tunnel.

He just knows the way out of the crater. He has no idea where the fuck to go after that.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1840

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1841

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1842

Colin:

It’s funny how Marcus is just galloping away and doesn’t stop to see if anyone’s coming along.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1843

“Got lost in his own museum, huh?”

“Uh huh.”

 

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1845

“YEAH SON, HIS OWN MUSEUM. EEHEHEHEHEHEHE!”

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1844

“After you, Junior.”

“Yes sir.”

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1846

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1847

Nice silhouette payoff.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1848

Colin:

This is a ridiculous ending, but I guess I don’t really care. It’s heroic and triumphant. So it fits.

Classic western ending. Totally okay with all of this.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1849

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1850

I wish Spielberg made a western.

I wish every great director made a western.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1851

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1852

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1853

Colin:

They seem way too enthusiastic about riding off into the sunset. On horseback. With no food or water. In a hostile desert. In 1936 or whenever.

Looks great, though. So who cares, really, if it looks good?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - 1854

What a fitting way to end a trilogy.

… unless you decide to go back and make another one 19 years later.

Colin:

Oh no. I just remembered what’s coming up next.

– – – – – – – – – 

Tomorrow we go over our favorite images from the film.

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

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One response

  1. Awesome.

    November 8, 2018 at 11:51 am

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