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Fun with Franchises: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008), Part III — “The Goddamn Russians Are Still Dancing”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.

We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.

We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.

Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.

Right now, we’re doing the Indiana Jones franchise, and today is the third part of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

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We begin Part IV with the most efficient form of travel.

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Map travel.

Colin:

That…that isn’t a real plane. Like, not only was it not a real plane that was FILMED, but this plane never existed. Which, I don’t get. 

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I do enjoy a nice riverboat.

Especially if there’s gambling on board.

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Never get off the boat.

Oxley got off the boat. He split from the whole fucking program.

Colin:

What the fuck is that, the Amazon Queen?

“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now proceed with the execution… of this franchise.”

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Nah, completely realistic.

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Nah, completely realistic.

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Colin:

Ugh. Peasants clapping.

I hate movie people celebrating ethnically.

I Hate Movie People Celebrating Ethnically

Colin:

Seriously, what’s the point of having them do the goofy dance in a South American jungle other than to remind us that they are comically Russian? This is an unsophisticated caricature of Russians that should have been left out. The last time I saw this sort of display was in Patton, when the dancing Russians are supposed to look provincial and unrefined next to the Americans, who show discipline and restraint.

That was a scene that took several minutes to carefully construct a visual representation of the gulf between the US and the USSR during the postwar period. Lucas and Spielberg just threw in some soldiers doing hopak (it’s called ‘hopak’ or ‘gopak’ – you learned something) and called it a nice segue into a scene involving a British guy interrogating an American in the middle of the Amazon. I don’t care how rich they are, they’re yokels with cameras at this point.

It’s actually kind of incredible how much they stopped caring for this. At least do the little things right. And then the big things can be somewhat forgiven, or attributed to, “Well, they thought wrong.”

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It looks like there’s an iris around this.

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Is he getting his cunt cleaned?

Colin:

Why was everything in the late 50s and early 60s shaped like a space capsule? That dome shape on of the big lamp or whatever that is, it’s so pervasive in imagery and industrial design of this era. Maybe it was a fascination with space, or with minimalism, or with satellite receiver dishes, or something. But that shape is everywhere in this shit, and then 1970 shows up and you don’t see it as much. I expect the new season of Mad Men to confirm this.

The 60s must have been such a fun time.

And then the 80s happened. Colin and I barely got out of that decade alive.

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“You’re lucky I turned up, Jonesy. Dovchenko there wanted to blow your brains out. That’s the third time I saved your life.”

“Unshackle me, I’ll give you a big hug.”

Colin:

“Come on down here, I’ll show you.” Remember when we were watching better movies? Remember three weeks ago?

The real answer here is don’t let Lucas write a sequel to something more than eight years after the fact.

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“You had a luger pointed at the base of your skull, first time we met.”

“I had the situation under control.”

Colin:

There’s a little TOO much of this going on in movies these days. Characters who treat these impossible situations like nothing so the audience will appreciate their badassery. It’s endemic among franchise movies. Anakin’s cockiness in the face of almost certain death in the arena, Neo telling the Merovingian and his men that he would “handle” them — I think the most blatant example was when Black Widow was getting “interrogated” in The Avengers, and it turns out she was just using the situation as a means of getting information and treated her situation as a mere chore that she was in complete control of. Which, she was. But that’s cheap.

At least the Fast and Furious franchise recognizes this attitude for the sad running gag that it is, putting Vin Diesel in an impossible situation and then giving someone the line, “How’s he gonna get out of THIS one?”

What’s funny is, I watched Furious 7 last week. Yup.

Colin:

I just hate that movies have gone so over the top that they’ve resorted to secondhand accounts of calm resolve in the face of danger. It used to be a better device, but now it’s played out. Action movie characters are either fearless gods who can handle anything that comes their way, or they’re hot women or Simon Pegg type techies. Fuck, this pisses me off.

So, for those keeping track — we hate calm resolve in the face of danger for the simple purposes of badassery, but we do like bringing up past badassery but not elaborating on it and playing it off like it was nothing. (eg: “This isn’t so bad.” “Oh no? Remember Des Moines?” “Wait, that was you?”)

“You owe me.”

“What do you owe them?”

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“Eventually they’re gonna let me out of this chair, comrade, and when they do, I’m gonna break your nose.”

Colin:

He’s going to…break Mack’s nose? That was very obviously PG, wasn’t it?

“Comrade? You think this is about flags? About uniforms? You think this is about lines on a map?”

If this isn’t about flags and uniforms, then why are the Russians even involved?

And this is about lines on a map. Just not the ones you’re talking about.

“It’s just about money, isn’t it?”

Gambling debts, man. He already said.

“No, not only money. A gigantic pile of money.”

Colin:

A gigantic pile of money is what’s motivating Mack to betray his friends. And coincidentally, it’s also what motivated everyone involved in this film to betray their values.

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He says what the Russians are paying is nothing compared to what’s at Akator.

And right here, we know how he dies.

“It’s what the conquestadors were after.”

Conquestador.

Can I also say how conquistador is one of my favorite words of all time?

Colin:

It’s what the con-QUEST-tadors were after? I hope that wasn’t in the script. I can’t take it from Lucas (David Koepp’s a mixed bag), but I can take it from Ray Winstone. He knew my grandma.

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A HA HA HA! I love this angle! The two assholes just sitting there, working, having to listen to this conversation, and the one asshole stationed at the door, as everyone else parties. Watching this, you’re like,” Where the fuck did they come from?” Even before. When he walked in, you didn’t see them.

Colin:

The goddamn Russians are still dancing.

The Goddamn Russians Are Still Dancing

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Here comes Blanchett.

While we’re here, I want you guys to know just how much of a stoner Harrison Ford is.

A few weeks into shooting the movie, he saw a blonde woman walking around the set. And he turns to people and asks who she is. Because he’s never seen her before. (We’ll assume his intentions were strictly on the up and up and it’s only because he’d never seen her before.) And they said, “That’s Cate Blanchett.” It’s because she was walking around the set outside of her costume and without the wig. And apparently Harrison Ford had no idea who she was and/or had no idea what she looked like normally.

This is what Indiana Jones has become.

He tells him to smile and do the right thing, “Just like in Berlin.”

Colin:

Just like in Berlin? Wink? What Hessian hijinks can we expect?

We’ve seen him in Berlin, though. This is a bad line.

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“How fortunate our failure to kill you, Dr. Jones.”

Colin:

Something tells me they STILL won’t kill him. Nobody knows when to kill their problems. Hint: it’s now.

I don’t like people who try to kill someone, fail, and then go, “Oh, well it was nice that I didn’t kill you, because you’re useful to me now.” That’s not how it works. Either they’re better off dead, or they’re better off alive. You can’t have both just because it’s convenient.

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Hey, remember when that bottle on that desk was thrown on the floor by Winstone a few moments ago? And it was empty?

“You survive to be of service to us once again.”

“Well, you know me. Always glad to help.”

Colin:

“Well, you know me, always self-identifying.” Seriously, that’s the second time he’s answered her with a “you know me” sentence. And they’ve only met twice. The point is that they DON’T know him, but obviously the line is thrown in because WE know him.

This is terrible writing. And you know me, I hate bad dialogue.

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“Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.”

Oh, I know this one. There’s a Wocket in My Pocket.

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“You recognize those words?”

Colin:

This is the nerd in me, but that’s inaccurate. The quotation she cites wasn’t said by Oppenheimer publically until 1965, in the documentary The Decision to Drop the Atomic Bomb. It appeared in Time magazine in 1948 with a different translation: “shatterer of worlds.” If you’re going to blatantly reference this and then explain it to the audience who probably doesn’t know the quotation, you can do it right.

You know what this reminds me of? I watched Jersey Boys last year, and there’s a scene where they’re sitting down and watching Ace in the Hole. And it says “Ace in the Hole” as a title card on screen. (Why they’re watching that movie is beyond me, but that’s beside the point.) Problem is, right when that movie was released, they changed the title to The Big Carnival. And that’s what it was known as for about 50 years or so. It’s weird that people who were alive when the movie came out either didn’t know the facts or didn’t care because they figured it was easier for the audience to know what was going on.

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Wait… what did that handle do? Those things were spinning before.

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Her accent is pretty ridiculous.

Colin:

It’s part of the reason her being in this movie makes me sad. But if we’re honest, I can accept the accent because we have bigger problems.

They have a “mind weapon.”

Colin:

No, I meant like, in terms of filmmaking.

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“A new frontier of psychic warfare. That was Stalin’s dream.”

Colin:

Stalin’s dream was a better mustache wax.

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Correct.

I like that he finds this as ridiculous as we do.

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“That skull was no mere deity carving. Surely you know that the moment you laid eyes on it.”

I’d like it better if it were a deity carving.

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“It was not made by human hands.”

Are you gonna jerk him off? What’s that about? I’m certain you don’t even think about sex, so what exactly is this accomplishing, other than us all going, “What the fuck was that about?”

Colin:

Oh. Hands on his knees. I wish this was Daniel Craig and Javier Bardem.

“Who made it, then?”

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“Come on.”

And yet… even with the reasons not to IN THE MOVIE, it’s still the plot.

Great job, George. You killed another one.

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The Roswell body wasn’t the first one. They already had two more from Soviet Union crashes. Because if there’s any place for drunk piloting, it’s there.

Colin:

Pretty awesome that most of these sci-fi happenings started around the time we because interested in GOING to space ourselves, huh?

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“Saucermen from Mars.”

Of course Lucas worked that in. Of fucking course he did.

Colin:

Why do they have to be from Mars? Why are they always from Mars? Is it cause we’re the blue planet and they’re the red planet? I do sort of like how when you say, ‘from Mars’ like that it sounds dickish.

Plus, why would he even know the sci fi stuff? That’s kid shit. When does he have time to watch movies? Isn’t he off banging Marys and robbing graves? Plus, he was AT ROSWELL!

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Colin:

I’m not listening. Sorry. This whole shadow puppet setup makes you think it’s gonna be her changing, and then you realize that you wouldn’t even really want to see that, and then you snap out of it and realize that you’re writing a blog about this movie and need to pay attention.

I made another drink as this was going on.

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“The legends about Akator are all true. Early men could not have conceived it, much less built it.”

Why could they not conceive it? Problem with the bullets?

“It was a city of supreme beings with technologies and paranormal abilities.”

Of course it was.

I don’t think that one drink was enough.

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“You’ve got to be kidding me.”

Why is he the only one having the correct reaction here?

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“Why do you choose not to believe your own eyes?”

They lit her eyes as she said this, in case there was any danger of things being subtle.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 915

E.T. extra crispy.

Colin:

GPOY

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“The New Mexico specimen gave us hope. Unlike the others we’d found, its skeleton was pure crystal.”

Why did we need the flashlight? Haven’t you seen this before?

Though I do like that she has people.

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A distant cousin, perhaps. Maybe they, too, were sent to find Akator. Perhaps we’re all searching for the same thing.

Colin:

I’m pretty sure my neighbors get off on stuff like this. Also, does she pull this skull out? Cause what about the eyes and tongue and stuff like that?

“MOM! I don’t want to go to school today!”

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I’m not really sure what makes a kingdom of these things. It’s a kingdom of the skull, yet there are eight skulls… no one really put any thought into this whatsoever, did they?

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“There is no other explanation.”

“There is always another explanation.”

Religion.

Not religion.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 920

“The skull was stolen from Akator in the 15th century. Whoever returns it…”

“Returns it to the city temple will gain control over its powers. I’ve heard that bedtime story before. It’s a legend. Why do you think Akator even existed?”

Colin:

You’ve heard that bedtime story before? Oh, I get it, that’s a line he used with Walter Donovan. Yay, connections.

No, but actually, I’m genuinely curious. Why did you hear that bedtime story? What book of bedtime stories was that one in?

“You should ask your friend that question.”

You mean Colin, or…?

Also, you know the difference with this and Donovan? There he actually sort of believed a little bit. Here, it’s complete ridiculousness that’s just going to happen. It’s crazy that this movie is so bad it actually is making me more likely to go along with the concept of a divine power than with aliens.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 921

It’s tough looking into your future, kids.

Colin:

He’s gone full retard.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 922

Why is he so angry?

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 923

Hey, you remember me, right?

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 924

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 925

This guy is proper crazy. I like him.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 926

“Ox, listen to me, pal. Your name is Harold Oxley, you were born in Leeds, England. You and I went to school together at the University of Chicago, and you were never this interesting. “My name is In–”

Colin:

 “You’ve never been this interesting.” I actually approve of this line, cause I would say that to someone lame.

Why did he go to the University of Chicago?

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 927

“My name is Henry Jones Jr.”

Colin:

Wait, is he actually crazy? He’s not, is he?

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 928

“The fuck did you do to him?”

Nothing, of course. It was the skull. They’re gonna use him as the “divining rod” to get to Akator. And Indy’s gonna translate all the madness.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 929

Oxley stared too long at the crystal skull’s eyes. Apaprently it opens up an unused portion of the brain. So they figure he’ll stare at it too, and then he’ll understand Oxley better.

Colin:

He went crazy after staring at the crystal for too long? This movie has similar effects on people. And isn’t the danger that the same thing happens to Indy? Maybe you can’t just split the difference.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 930

“It was your idea, you look at it.”

“The skull does not speak to everyone, it seems.”

Great line. Why can’t they all be as subtle as this? And this isn’t even subtle. This just isn’t Dick in the Ass Subtle.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 931

Random doctor, just chilling.

Colin:

Notice that nothing made of metal in here is flying to the skull?

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 932

“Surely you’re not afraid, Dr. Jones. You spent your entire life searching for answers. Think of the truth behind those eyes.”

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 933

And think of the crazy behind those.

It’s weird how he says he doesn’t believe in bullshit, yet when it comes down to it, he’s afraid to call bluffs.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 934

“Be careful. You might get exactly what you wish for.”

Colin:

Don’t analog watches not work around powerful magnets?

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 935

“I usually do.”

Nice.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 936

Colin:

He is so fucking stoned right now.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 937

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 938

This is the most accurate representation of what watching this movie is like for an audience.

You remember that moment Mark Wahlberg talks to the house plant? This is the Indiana Jones version of that.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 939

For a more entertaining version of these next few shots, hit play and then scroll very slowly.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 940

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 941

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Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 949

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 950

Look at this fucking Lenny Riefen-Stalin over here filming this.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 951

Meanwhile, this monologue is playing over it all.

“Imagine. To peer across the world and know the enemy’s secrets. To place our thoughts into the minds of your leaders. Make your teachers teach the true version of history, your soldiers attack on our command.

Colin:

So this is totally an In Invasion of the Body Snatchers thing, huh? Soviet domination of the world? Having read Das Kapital in its entirety, I could take this opportunity to deconstruct everything that’s wrong with this, but I think we’d all be better served by finishing this movie as quickly as possible.

“We’ll be everywhere at once. More powerful than a whisper. Invading your dreams. Thinking your thoughts for you while you sleep. We will change you, Dr. Jones. All of you. From the inside. We will turn you into us. And the best part? You won’t even know it’s happening.”

Colin:

Everyone is gonna be Soviet? I forget, are Soviets cool with black people?

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What, so he can just sense this? They’re skull brothers now?

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 955

Colin:

This is so fucking dumb.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 956

Colin:

This glowing, blue ball is reminding me of my glowing, cinematic blue balls.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 957

These shots are fucking hilarious to me, though. We’re watching him stare at a fucking GLASS SKULL!

And they’re cutting back and forth like it’s actually Sergio Leone epic.

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Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 959

“That’s enough. If he dies, we can’t get there.”

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 960

Black bag that son of a bitch.

Also, look at his Simple Jack face.

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Colin:

Chills. I just got chills from the stupid.

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“Henry.”

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 963

Colin:

He’s faking it, of course. We’ve seen this before. He’s stoned out of his mind – there’s no way you can tap into his brain and take control when he’s already relinquished it.

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Colin:

He’s gonna break Mack’s nose, isn’t he?

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Admittedly not the worst moment in the film.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 967

“You broke my nose!”

“I told you.”

Colin:

Yeah. Great idea. I still enjoy the explanation. “I told you.”

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“Enough. You will speak to Oxley and lead us to Akator. Yes?”

What? So he looks at the skull and suddenly can understand? It’s insane that this works.

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“Nyet.”

I’d have gone with a “Fuck. You.” But that works.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 970

The Russians stopped dancing.

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“You all right, kid?”

You’re still here?

“They left my bike at the cemetery.”

So what? You know where it is. You think those natives know how to ride it?

“Yeah, but you’re all right?”

“They left my bike.”

Colin:

They left his bike. He’s in a camp of militant Soviet carnies and he’s talking about where they left his bike.

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The appropriate reaction.

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“I’m ready.”

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“Don’t give these pigs a thing.”

Colin:

That’s great, though. He’s ready to go out. Let him.

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“You heard him.”

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“Clearly I have chosen the wrong pressure point.”

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“Perhaps I can find a more sensitive one.”

His misunderstanding?

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 980

“Get your hands off me!”

Now, before the reveal… does she not hear her son or her ex-lover standing outside this whole time?

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She stopped struggling quick.

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“Indiana Jones.”

Hey, remember when she said that in the first movie? And it was better?

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“Bout time you showed up.”

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“Mom!”

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 988

“Mom?”

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 989

Do the Russians have any idea what’s going on right now?

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 990

“What are you doing here?”

“Well, forget about me, are you all right?”

“Mom?”

Colin:

You think she’s gonna slug him, but no. She’s going to yell at her child. I’m indifferent when it comes to onscreen abuse.

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“Young man, I specifically told you not to come here.”

“Marion is your—”

“You never wrote back, you never said that in any phone calls.”

“Marion Ravenwood is your mother?”

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“Oh, for god’s sake, Indy, it’s not that hard.”

Well probably not anymore, he’s like 65.

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“I know, I mean, I just, I never thought that you’d–”

“Have a life after you left.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

This could have been written way better.

By someone else.

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“A damn good life.”

“Well that’s fine, just–”

“A damn good, really good life.”

Not to give it away, but this reminds me of a really annoying line in next week’s film.

Colin:

They had a bad breakup, huh? Considering that the timeline is Temple, Raiders, Crusade, that makes sense. He goes to India, then dumps the blonde immediately to go back to teaching. Then he gets with Karen Allen, and dumps her to go back to teaching. Then fucks a Nazi and dumps her in a crevasse.

I always dump my Nazi pussy in crevasses.

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“Well so have I.”

“Yeah?”

That Russian guy has the best reactions in every scene.

“You still leaving a trail of human wreckage, or have you retired?”

“Why, you looking for a date?”

Colin:

Old people hate-flirting is so insufferable.

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“With anybody. But you.”

You’re in a camp full of Russians. Probably not the smartest thing to sya.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 997

“So, Dr. Jones. You will help us.”

Why? This is making huge assumptions that will just be ignored for the rest of the film.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 998

“Simple yes will do.”

Say no. Let them shoot her. The idea that he’s still pining over her after all these years is ridiculous. He left her TWICE.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 999

“Oh, Marion, you had to go and get yourself kidnapped.”

“It’s not like you did any better.”

“Same old, same old.”

Colin:

Someone flush and let’s get this shit moving.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1000

“Henry Jones Jr.”

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1001

“To lay their just hands on that golden key, that opes the palace of eternity.”

Oh, so he’s talking now. Why not just have some flunky look into the eyes, in that case?

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1002

“Golden key?”

“It’s from Milton, he said it before. Why?”

Colin:

Finally, someone who shares my level of impatience.

I also like when they show her intelligence without being garish about it.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1003

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1004

“Autowriting, I should have seen this.”

Nice line, given her character. But also, yes. Because he was clearly writing in mid air with his hand.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1005

He asks for a pen and paper, and they just have it.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1006

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1007

“Three times it drops. The way down.”

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1008

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1009

He’s drawing idiotgrams.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1010

Love how people think they can snap a crazy person out of it.

Colin:

It Hurts to see him this way.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1011

Colin:

What if he farted really loudly right now?

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1012

Anyway, he interprets shit.

“The wavy lines mean water, of course. Closed eyes mean sleep. The sun with the arc over the sky stands for time, duration. The word “now” is “until.” These two close together, the horizon and the snake, mean one thought. The horizon stood for the world, but it didn’t mean the Earth. It meant big, great.”

Colin:

Listening to this, I feel like I could accomplish everything he does outside of the fighting and the knowledge of ancient languages. Like, everything else. Indiana Jones (from this movie) could accompany me to translate shit and fight off crazy natives and Soviets. And I would solve the puzzle because it has about two pieces.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1013

“The water sleeps until the great snake.”

Yup. Sounds like you nailed it.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1014

“The great snake is the Amazon, of course, but ‘sleep’? What water sleeps?”

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1015

“Here! Sono. The Portuguese word for ‘sleep.'”

This would have been a brilliant scene in one of the earlier movies.

“Yes, good.”

Think about this — Indiana Jones and his adversary just discovered a clue at the same time. And they’re so excited to interpret it and get to the treasure that they just start working together. And then they work through the clue, figure shit out, and then it’s guns drawn again.

And yet… this movie.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1016

Yeah, I’m sure whatever he’s gonna do right now is smart.

Colin:

He looks like he’s about to start a fight or whip out his dick. Or both.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1017

“He wants us to follow this curve of the Sono down to where it meets the Amazon to the southeast. After that, I’m not sure. Kingdom of dreams, tears and eyes… I have no idea what he means. This could be the route, though. It’s a completely unexplored part of the canopy.”

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1018

Colin:

Wait, did he unzip?

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1019

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1020

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1021

I… don’t care.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1022

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1023

So now we run. Why? Just cause.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1025

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1024

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1026

Shia LaBeouf is the only one with the right priorities here. “Don’t give these pigs shit.” And then when it’s time to escape, set their shit on fire.

He’s not the problem here.

Now, sure, he might not have made a great Indiana Jones if they continued with him, but in this movie, he isn’t what’s wrong with it.

Colin:

Curses! Stymied by fire once again!

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1027

“Kid, what the hell are we doing, kid?”

“They were going to kill us!”

“Well, maybe.”

This jungle should be on fire.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1028

“Somebody had to do something!”

“Something else would have been good.”

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1029

“At least I got a plan.”

“This is intolerable.”

Colin:

He just said “This is intolerable.” Another Connery line.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1030

Oh, good. Quicksand.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1031

“Moving makes space, space will make you sink.”

“No, I think I can get out if I can just…”

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1032

“What is it, quicksand?”

“Okay, I’m calm.”

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1033

“No, it’s a dry sand pit.”

“I’m sinking, but I’m calm.”

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1034

“Quicksand is a mix of sand, mud and water, and depending on the viscosity, is not as dangerous as people sometimes think.”

“For Pete’s sake, Jones, we’re not in school!”

Colin:

He’s lecturing. Stop it. Please stop it. Please stop killing this movie.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1035

“Don’t worry. There’s nothing to worry about unless there’s a–”

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1036

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1037

“A void collapse.”

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1038

“I’ll get something to pull you out.”

How do the Russians not find them, exactly?

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1039

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1040

“Ox, don’t just sit there.”

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1041

Crazy people are the key to comedy.

“For God’s sake, man, go get help!” “Help?”

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1042

“Help!”

“Help?”

“Help! Go!”

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1043

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1044

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1045

“Mutt can be a little impetuous.”

Well this came out of nowhere.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1046

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1047

“It’s not the worst quality in the world.”

The idea of them having this conversation and bickering in quicksand is good in theory.

And yet… this movie.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1048

“Keep your arms above the surface. When the kid comes back, grab on.”

“Indy, he—”

“He’s a good kid, Marion. You should get off his back about school.”

Why are you having this conversation with her if he’s not your son?

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1049

“Mutt, I mean…”

“Not everybody’s cut out for it.”

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1050

“His name is Henry.”

Why would you tell him this? Is he supposed to figure it out from that? Because now might not be the best time.

“Henry. Good name.”

“He’s your son.”

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1051

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1052

“My son?”

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1053

“Henry Jones III.”

Are you allowed to give him that last name without some sort of DNA test? Could she legally have named him Andrew Carnegie II and claimed he was related?

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1054

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1055

“Why the hell didn’t you make him finish school?”

Colin:

Ain’t that just like the universe to stop trying to kill you only after you find out you’re about to get slapped with 20 years of retroactive child support. The universe loves a paternity suit.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1056

Anyway, time for the rescue.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1057

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1058

Colin:

That wasn’t too difficult, was it? Doesn’t he have a whip? Why didn’t he whip something while he was standing there for like a minute? I guess they took his whip. I just went back to check and didn’t see it. Why do I feel like we’re going to see him using it later without them explaining how he got it back?

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1059

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1060

“Grab on.”

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1061

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1062

“Just grab it, Indy.”

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1063

“It’s a rat snake!”

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1064

“Rat snakes aren’t that big.”

“Well this one is, all right?”

“It’s not even poisonous. Now grab on!”

Colin:

You know a lot about snakes. This was before there was entertainment on small screens.

Apparently this was in one of those books he read that wasn’t in the schools.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1065

“Go get something else.”

“Like what?”

“Like a rope or something.”

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1066

“There’s no Sears and Roebuck here, grab the snake!”

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1067

“Maybe I can touch the bottom.”

Seriously? You’re going to fucking die.

“I think I can feel it with my feet.”

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1069

“Grab the snake!”

“Stop calling it that!”

“It’s a snake. What do you want me to call it?”

You’re 65.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1068

“Say rope!”

“What?”

“Say grab the rope.”

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1070

“Grab the rope.”

Really?

Colin:

This is just absurd.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1071

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1072

There is no way that doesn’t tear that snake in half. No way.

Colin:

You can snap a snake, you know. You can pull a snake apart. I’ve done it.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1073

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1074

“Get rid of that thing, will ya?”

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1075

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1076

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1077

Nice throw.

Colin:

PETA loved that.

Honestly, if I were PETA, I’d still have bigger problems with this movie than that. On principle.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1078

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1079

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1080

It’s still just right the fuck there.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1081

“You are one crazy old man.”

Maybe don’t just hang around here.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1082

“Why do you have to do everything the old way, Jonesy?”

Quicksand is the old way?

Also, he’s 65.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1083

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - 1084

“Help.”

Colin:

Hah. After all this yelling and them right there in the woods near you, it’s really not his fault that you got found. Also, isn’t it funny how all the Soviets know not to step in the quicksand? I bet they’d have rope.

You’re in the middle of the fucking jungle with people who are looking for you, who are the only people for miles around, and you just told a half-retarded person to go get help. What did you think was gonna happen?

Anyway, that’s the END OF PART III.

Quick one today. Because Part IV is essentially one giant action scene.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow is Part IV, and THE MONKEYS!

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

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  1. Pingback: The Pickup Artist Online Megavideo | Mystery PUA Blog

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