Fun with Franchises: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008), Part IV — “Right in the Comrade-Maker”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.

We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.

We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.

Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.

Right now, we’re doing the Indiana Jones franchise, and today is the fourth part of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

We begin Part IV in another part of the jungle that wasn’t burned down by Shia LaBeouf.

Comrade Seth MacFarlane.

Colin:

♫ Lucky he’s a famine-ly guy ♫

That was like that time I worked as a contractor for the Soviets…

Completely unnecessary, yet I’m glad this part is actually CGI.

Colin:

Does this think run on Loraxes? Is that the plural? Loraxen? Anyway.

Loraxen must be a drug. There’s no way they haven’t gotten to that name.

Colin:

Yeah, I’m sure this is a real machine. This looks like those sawblade helicopters from The World is Not Enough had a baby with the pulverizer that killed Benicio del Toro in License to Kill.

Also… Avatar.

What are we watching?

Why not just have them riding through the jungle? What changes this way?

Colin:

Isn’t that what’s happening? Unless this thing is digging up stumps too, there’s no way there’s a smooth road happening here for regular vehicles.

Yeah, but they could have just had roads here and we wouldn’t have questioned it. I don’t understand the necessity of writing this machine into the script except for a blunt metaphor of power.

“No. No. He was British. My dad was an RAF pilot. He was a war hero. Not some schoolteacher.”

Colin:

Wait, wait, wait. You just found out you’re not half-British and you’re UPSET about that? I’d have thought he’d be stoked to be more…American. You know, given his greaser identity and all.

Is it weird that I’m more interested in the potato sacks than the plot?

Apparently that was his stepfather. They started dating when he was 3 months old.

Colin:

How does THAT work? I guess it was a British guy in the late 30s, so there wouldn’t have been any sex for quite some time. Nothing that you might see with your own eyes, anyway. Abonement, if you will.

How many people has she banged, by the way? I feel like this is one of those horrible stereotypes where she remained faithful to him while he was off banging all these women. And the romance comes from her being “the only one for him.” Fifty Shades of Fuck You.

And yet somehow he doesn’t know his real name.

“Wait, Colin? As in Colin Williams?”

Colin:

Wait, wait, wait. The stepfather’s name was Colin? Don’t bring me into your bullshit!

So glad I only get brought into the bullshit when shit’s getting real during combat.

Colin:

It still bums me out that scene isn’t up online anywhere I could find that was unaltered.

“You married him? I introduced you!”

Does that… preclude you from marrying him?

Knowing you, you probably introduced them to get her away from you.

Unless he means, “I introduced you to him” to mean, “I don’t have reputable friends!”

“I think you gave up your vote on who I marry when you decided to break it off a week before the wedding.”

Why did they even get engaged?

“I think we both knew, Marion, it wasn’t gonna work.”

And yet, he’s gonna completely contradict himself in two minutes.

“You didn’t know that. Why didn’t you talk to me about it?”

“Because we never had an argument I won.”

Colin:

Because I hate this dialogue, I’m going to break it up. We need to decide what the best relationship is. Is it the one where you argue and win some, or the one where you resign yourself to whatever she wants? You hear that you have to have communication and stuff like that, but you also hear that ‘happy wife, happy life’ stuff. Then there’s that third category where she mixes drinks while you watch Space Jam. But I’ve never seen that outside of dreams.

I like how she says “talking” and he says “argument.”

“It’s not my fault if you can’t keep up.”

I actually say this a lot to people. I have a tendency to go like, three degrees deep with references and people have no idea what I’m talking about.

“I didn’t want to hurt you!”

He’s just a jealous guy?

“Oh, for love of god, shut the hell up!”

Colin:

The Russian is comically annoyed with them. Because that’s what this movie tells us. Russians are comical.

Honestly, though, we were all thinking it.

That face.

“Didn’t you ever wonder, years ago, why Ox stopped talking to you? He hated that you ran away.”

What if he didn’t wonder why Ox stopped talking to him? You make it seem like they were the best of friends. They went to college together and both became teachers. That seems like maybe twice a year they talked. Especially given their completely opposite demeanors and probable extracurricular habits.

Colin:

Also, he ran away back to the same office at the same college. You could have confronted him pretty easily.

“Will you two just stop?”

“Yeah, Marion. Let’s not let the kid see mom and dad fight.”

“You’re not my dad, okay?”

Colin:

Was that a “you’re not my dad” moment? Oh boy.

I hate it when one of my illegitimate sons says that to me.

“You bet I am. And I got news for you – you’re gonna go back and finish school.”

What a shitty thing to say. “Oh, that’s right, I am your father. And now I’m gonna make you hate me like you’re supposed to!”

“Yeah? What about ‘there’s not a damn thing wrong with it, kid, and don’t let anybody else tell you anything different’? You don’t remember saying that?”

“That was before I was your father!”

I LOVE this line. I love the idea that new information can change your belief structure immediately. This exchange always works in dialogue. This is screwball dialogue 101.

That’s one way to shut her up.

Still arguing through the gag.

Colin:

Once the Russian is busy with something else and they’re in the middle of an argument, you know they’re going to kick the shit out of him and escape. It’s the same as, “I said – [murder murder murder] – DON’T call me ‘Junior.’“

And that’s how this plot continues.

“Why are you bothering to tell me now?”

“Because I thought we were gonna die!”

How nice. Only gonna tell him about his son on the verge of death.

Why? Don’t think he’d have wanted to see him? Never explained why he was kept from his son.

“Not yet!”

Why is it the same henchman during all of this? They’re gonna have a boss fight in like fifteen minutes. Why isn’t this some rando? You didn’t see the other “bosses” in the earlier films around to get beaten up before it was their time. They just menaced until it was fight time.

But apparently this guy was only supposed to have a bit part, but his facial expressions were so good, they just put him everywhere. Which I’m not against.

“You got it?”

Colin:

Was that a “split his pants” joke? Did that just happen? Did they waste a swearword on that? But then he’s free and we don’t see split pants. What the fuck?

“Oh shit.”

The guy in front somehow heard none of this.

“I’m sure I wasn’t the only one to go on with my life. There must have been plenty of women for you over the years.”

This is where you put the gag back.

“There were a few. But they all had the same problem.”

“Yeah, what’s that?”

“They weren’t you, honey.”

Colin:

They weren’t her. I’m going to go drink a lot. Shit. It’s 10 am. And I’m at work. So maybe not.

This is ridiculous. “It would never have worked. But none of the other women were as good as you.” I want to say this is complexity, but this is just shittiness because this is Lucas not knowing what was said three scenes ago.

Colin:

Wait, wait, wait (how many times am I going to have to say this?). The driver’s seat is RIGHT there, and the only thing separating him from the melee that just went on right behind him was a wooden window with slats?

He could stab that guy right now.

She want the dick.

Colin:

That’s…that smile puts her on the spectrum somewhere.

Like, Roy G. Biv, or…?

Weren’t there trucks behind them before this? I mean, sure, I’m willing to go with that guy not paying any attention to Indy fucking up the other guy and allowing himself to get thrown off, but the trucks behind them just completely fucking disappeared.

It happened off-screen because he’s 65.

That was spry.

You should stop smiling.

This reminds me of the Carlin bit about being “more than happy.”

“We gotta get Oxley back, get our hands on that skull and get to Akator before they do. Grab the wheel.”

Well that was a lot to accomplish. And no time to process it.

With a thin moustache, he’d pass for one of Edward James Olmos’ calculus students.

What the fuck is that look about?

“Well what’s he gonna do now?”

Colin:

He doesn’t plan that far ahead. Considering that this is the truck chase callback to Raiders, that might have been a reference to THAT exchange with Sallah. “I’m going after that truck.” “How?” “I don’t know, I’m making this up as I go.”

That face.

I do like that he just randomly has a rocket launcher. This is the kind of disbelief I can suspend.

“Scootch over, will you, son?”

“Don’t call me son.”

How did that rocket not hit any of those trucks?

Colin:

I think it flew right into a plot hole.

Great.

Colin:

As usual, the white woman is the only one who isn’t absolutely terrified at what she sees. Bad things don’t happen to white women in these movies, and they know it. Also, they told Karen Allen to act surprised at the green screen she’s staring at and she didn’t get the cue on time.

I feel like she just can’t see what’s going on. In that denial stage. “I don’t need glasses.”

Oh, I see,so the buzz saw was there just so we could see their faces during the chase.

Colin:

She looks strangely like Briony right now. The way she sees him. She sees him with her own eyes.

She looks like she got caught holding the remains of a dead hooker.

I understand.

Colin:

Normally I would be pleased with this kind of framing. But come on.

You say that, yet, when you contextualize this shot with the rest of the film, it’s somehow better than 90% of the rest of the shots.

Colin:

Ray looks like an old-timey film director.

Or a French douchebag.

Amazing how similar those two can be.

I wonder why Hurt is paying attention to what’s going on if he’s crazy.

Just a reminder guys, this is the first voice you heard during the Lord of the Rings trilogy.

“Henry Jones. Jr.”

Wait, why did she hand the skull off? Especially to Mac, who she actually HEARD say he doesn’t give a fuck about them and just wants all the gold and shit?

That’s a tight haircut you got there, comrade. What kind of barber you got down here in the jungle?

“JONES!”

I’m okay with that.

I’d feel better with a “schnell” or two, though. I don’t even care if they’re Russian. Schnell is universal now.

What the fuck is that? It looks like a boat with wheels!

Are they entering that in the parade? Why the fuck would you bring that with you?

Colin:

They probably expected there’d be water. It’s the Amazon. There’s water. They did actually have those, too.

Colin:

Didn’t they blow up the saw thing? Where is THIS road coming from now?

The plot.

This is why they didn’t need it in the first place. We most likely wouldn’t have questioned if the road just existed. Now that they showed us the saw thing, and it’s no more, now we’re like, “How can they keep driving?”

This is Lucas not paying attention to what was already written.

You suck.

WHY THE FUCK DID YOU NOT THROW HIM OUT OF THE TRUCK?!!

“Come on! Jump into my boatmobile!”

Ass shot.

And facial reaction.

Colin:

Right? Cause what woman her age is making that jump?

This guy’s facial reactions are something else.

Seriously, what the fuck kind of vehicle is this?

I’m not saying that in the general sense, because I’d drive the shit out of that thing. I mean, for the purposes of this sequence. What the fuck is that, why does it exist, and why the fuck did the Soviets bring that thing all the way to Peru?

Colin:

So first, you can read about it here. They made a bunch of them, and the time period is exactly right. I expect they brought these to wherever they are because they knew there would be jungle and probably water at some point, and they had to bring everything along. Bringing one of these is better than bringing a boat and a jeep. So I get it.

How is this the detail they got right?

Colin:

This is a break from tradition in that all the other chases like this so far have been more about the main bad guys going off ahead or splitting off as Jones is left to deal with flunkies or minor villains. Raiders truck scene, Temple mine carts, Crusade tank sequence, etc.

I don’t know. I feel like the main villains of this movie are not the Russians. I feel like we’re dealing with something much greater than that.

Hey, maybe don’t drive that way.

Colin:

This is like the forest chase in Return of the Jedi, only slower and without merit. We’re 77 minutes into this movie, and I’m betting that George and Steven devote the next 15 minutes to this goddamn bungle in the jungle.

That reminds me of a tangent I’m about to go on.

Because fuck it, we don’t care about this movie.

I remember reading about a script that was written back in the day for The Naked Gun 4. I think it was actually called The Naked Gun What? Four. To confront people’s initial reactions to it. And the idea was, they were gonna introduce new characters, but Leslie Nielsen was going to be Frank Drebin for part of it, and essentially be the Obi-Wan of the movie. Apparently one of the gags was that one part of the city was essentially like Grand Theft Auto, where people just walked up to cars and stole them in the middle of the street, and got into gang wars without major police repercussion, etc. Anyway, the point was, they brought back Police Squad, was the major storyline, to deal with it. And they contact Drebin, who has long since retired, just for consulting purposes. But he thinks it’s to put him back on active duty. And there’s a line in the script that’s just like, “I can do everything I did twenty years ago, only slower, and with more mistakes.” And I thought that was hilarious.

They never made the movie, of course. And Leslie Nielsen died. So that’ll never happen. Unless they reboot the thing. But at this point, no one knows how to make a parody movie anymore, so it probably should never happen until someone does.

Anyway, back to the shit show.

Because fuck trees, right?

And he’s just busting a nut in the back.

“Ox has got the skull.”

“Marion, take the wheel.”

I love how he just jumps out of cars at any moment and makes her drive.

“That’s not fair, she drove the truck.”

“Don’t be a child. Find something to fight with.”

That’s funny. “How come I don’t’ get to drive?” “Oh, please. She’s a woman. You have to fight.”

Pretty great how not once during all of this are we ever concerned for their safety. The point of these movies is to put your character in impossible situations and watch them get out of them. Even in Temple of Doom, that spike ceiling thing worked because you felt like, “Oh man, there’s a time limit here, because he can definitely fucking die.” Now it’s like, “Yeah, okay, nothing too dangerous. He’ll be fine. What’s next?” There’s no danger at all in this movie.

They’re literally shooting at trees.

Also, aren’t we past the point where that thing was clearing trees? How is there still road for them to travel down? And if there is, what exactly was the purpose of that CGI thing?

Colin:

In Soviet Russia, trees clear you!

TALLY HO!

“Jonesy!”

So there was no doctor to bandage his broken nose the first time?

He’s taking on five guys at once.

Colin:

Mmmm. I would like a burger, now that you mention it.

Oh, it’s about to get even rapier in here.

Hey, remember when he made that remark about private schools that teach you fencing? Yeah, now he’s about to fence Cate Blanchett on the top of a truck.

Colin:

He mentioned earlier that he learned fencing at prep school. So of course he gets a sword. Because she uses swords. So they will fight. If he’d told Indy that he spent all of prep school playing Yahtzee, he would have found dice in that chest and she’d have a line like, “Let’s get rolling!”

Haven’t you people learned anything from Die Another Day? With the fucking shooting at trees AND the fencing. In the span of TWO MINUTES!

Colin:

What if there were hovercrafts? Wait, what if Sputnik had a laser? What if Short Round became a white bad guy?

You know what’s funny? When I see people make lists of the best Bond girls of all time and put Halle Berry on them.

Hilarious.

Oh, also, Madonna.

Jeez, you really punch him in the face a lot. At this point, it’s pretty much overkill. Plus, I thought you broke his nose last time. Is this just cause you can?

Colin:

We’re turning around. They’re taking us back to this awful chase sequence.

East bound and down!

I wish I had as little going on as he does right now. It might make this whole business much more enjoyable.

Colin:

She’s out of bullets. Did she just say “fuck?”

Of course, the long range gun doesn’t work, so you pull out that. That’ll do something from fifty feet away.

Colin:

Click. Clack. The sword’s coming out!

I wanna say that in all situations.

Even just entering a room. “Aww, CLICK CLACK! The sword’s comin’ out!”

I’d be the best porno actor.

Colin:

The reference is from this guy who trolls people on games. He was messing with people in Second Life, picking virtual fights. Talking about, ‘click, clack, the GUN’S COMING OUT!’

He says he’s CIA.

Double agent.

Colin:

Naturally, the double agent is trying to tell us in the middle of a fight that he’s actually a triple agent.

Could he really have been a double agent, after being on the Nazi radar that much? He was basically their Osama bin Laden.

NICE catch there, comrade.

Colin:

What angle are you at right now? I don’t get how that works.

And that gun is there for what reason?

Colin:

You should be fuming. You captured your enemy for the THIRD time now, and he’s managed to escape a THIRD time and wreck possibly millions of rubles worth of your equipment in the process. He’s STILL on the loose, and you’re smiling like this because you got the skull BACK? You’re no better off than you were when they were tied up in the back of the truck — in fact, you’re measurably worse off. So wipe that dumb smirk off your face and act like someone with a functional memory.

Well, now they have the skull and know where to go. So in that sense, they’re ahead. Otherwise, no, there’s no real reason why she should be happy.

Also, why isn’t Shia LaBeouf shooting her right now?

Colin:

Now THERE’s an image.

That’s them Connery eyebrows.

And that “Were there nuts in this salad?” face.

Yup.

Yeah, I bet sword fighting in a leather jacket is real easy.

Sword fighting on top of jeeps is dumb as shit.

But if they pulled off something where Indy was on one car and someone was on another car in an earlier movie, and they kept fighting and jumping back and forth between the two, it probably could have worked.

But the idea that fencing is happening in the middle of the jungle… ugh.

He’s supposed to be proud of his son right now, but I’m more interested in the crazy person who’s cradling an invisible baby behind him, and the unconscious person in the passenger seat next to him.

This is like when Jack Nicholson took all those inmates fishing.

And naturally she’s giving him pointers. Because obviously she knows what she’s doing.

Colin:

“This is not a match, mom!” I’d be upset enough if we weren’t reminded that this is only once removed from intramural sports.

Colin:

They’re standing in speeding vehicles over a non-road, so let’s just consider that for a second.

Not even on solid footing, either.

Honestly, just stop right now and hop on the gun. Shouldn’t there be like four more trucks of Russians around here?

What is going on?

Colin:

You would think they would have learned the lessons of Revenge of the Sith. Wrong. Wrong.

Your hand should be pretty fucked up right now.

Maybe get a gun.

“You fight like a young man. Eager to begin, quick to finish.”

Colin:

Hah. Hah. Hah. Kill yourself.

Has she banged a lot of young men?

Also, pull back for a second, and realize Cate Blanchett just said that to Shia LaBeouf while standing on jeeps, holding swords in the jungle.

Do you not want her to give him sex tips?

That’s a true jungle slap.

Why are both of these drivers holding still? Well, Marion, I get. She’s half unconscious. But the other guy… if he just moves over a little bit, either Shia falls or he is pushed onto your truck and gets stabbed.

This is actually happening, guys.

That’s his Even Stevens face.

Colin:

This is my I’d love to get Even with Steven Spielberg moment.

This face.

Aww… you got the skull and she’s got mom.

Colin:

So they trade sides, which means Karen Allen should be skewered like Daniel Craig’s lamb.

Peace!

… and Moms’ face was just shot off.

Colin:

Machine gun turrets and Soviets in amphibious cars and Indiana apparently doing nothing off to the side.

Yeah, sure, tell him to throw it. That’ll end well.

How about you hop off the truck and then they stop and come get you?

Gun.

Doesn’t Cate Blanchett still have the gun?

Colin:

I no longer know what’s happening. I stopped caring ages ago. This is the worst extended sequence in the franchise, especially because it then has ants and then has three waterfalls. They could literally cut all of this and replace it with random scenes from The Rundown and it wouldn’t hurt the movie at all.

Favorite story about that movie: they’re about to shoot the scene where he calls the natives Oompa Loompas. And Walken goes to Peter Berg and says, “I don’t understand why I’m calling them that.” And Berg goes, “It’s from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.” And Walken goes, “I don’t know what that is.” So they halt production for two hours, sit Christopher Walken down in a room and show him Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, just so he’ll understand his motivation for the scene. And he sits there quietly for the whole movie, watching it, with those Walken fingers in front of his face. And then, when it’s over, he simply turns to Peter Berg and says, “Okay.” And then they shoot the scene.

Also, yeah, I’m done with this. I have no idea where every car is in relation to the other cars, who’s doing what — and honestly, fuck it.

She’s karate chopping the shit out of him.

He just grimaces in this movie. That’s all he does.

That Russian guy is still passed out in the passenger seat and they just left him there.

Colin:

You know what happens when you assume the position.

That’s how you get orc-raped.

Boy, she’s flexible.

Colin:

Seven X chromosomes will do that for you. TO you? Anyway.

Hey, you guys remember The Matrix Reloaded?

How the fuck did that thing toss up exactly like that? That’s complete horse shit.

Hey, you remember when that skull was really magnetic?

“What are you looking at, daddy-o? She’s getting away!”

And, that thing next to you is… what?

Colin:

So he falls backwards like Morpheus off the tractor trailer (this is bad, how I can’t not see other franchise moments now) and is sitting there with a goddamn machine gun turret next to him as she’s quote “getting away.”

Not only that. How exactly is she getting away? They’re in a straight line. It’s not like she turned a corner or something. He can look at Shia all he wants, as long as the car is keeping pace with the other one.

Colin:

That is kind of amazing in a horrible way, how she just stands there in the speeding Jeep with that face that says, “Game. Blouses.” Again, you’re actually worse off than you were 10 minutes ago by a LONG way.

Colin:

Instead of shooting her in the fucking face, he gets caught on a vine. Vine. Vineyard. Wine. That’s what this movie is telling me. Drink now to safeguard your sanity.

… here it comes.

It’s smiling at him. That’s problem number one.

In reality it’s either running from him or tearing his face off.

“So… you swing around here often?”

“Why don’t we go some place a little more… comfortable?”

Pretty great how no one cares about where Mutt is and doesn’t even attempt to go back and get him.

Colin:

You have to admit it looks great, though. “It” being nothing.

Great location. Too bad it’s all fake.

Colin:

There’s always a cliff. Always.

You weigh a lot more than these monkeys do. No way all those vines hold you.

Colin:

Mutt and the monkeys is the moment that everyone cites as the most unforgivable moment of this film. And it’s not. And that’s the sad part.

Well, if she knocks you off into the Amazon, at least you guys can just paddle away.

Shouldn’t “Hound Dog” be playing right now?

Probable death.

Colin:

This seems dangerous. But John Hurt is just staring over the edge like the crazy person he is, ready to be consumed by the void. How much would it suck to die in the 50s? Just before everything’s about to get good.

How Much Would It Suck to Die in the 50s?

Maybe dive off at an angle.

Colin:

Then you see in the next shot that there’s quite a lot of land still down there before you get to the shore. Jungles are so uncooperative.

Jungles Are So Uncooperative

Can we be done with this? I want this to be over.

I’m not even going to bother.

Colin:

He’s swinging on vines and he just cut them off at the pass. I can’t.

Just like in the old west.

Colin:

I’d like to stop for a second and try to figure out how he can work up that kind of momentum if all the vines are just hanging straight down. But if I tried to think about that, my brain might die.

“Dasvidaniya,” Dr. Jones.”

Colin:

Why is it that she says goodbye to him, knowing that this time she’ll succeed in pushing them over the edge despite having failed at that several times already?

At this point, I’m rooting for death just to get this movie over quicker.

Why weren’t you doing this earlier?

No way those tires made it through all of this terrain and these rocks.

So that just happened.

And apparently the monkeys are in on it too.

What the fuck is up with the CG animals in this movie?

Colin:

He just sic’ed monkeys on Cate Blanchett. Just in case we’re keeping score.

They like Ike.

His skinny jeans are rolled up at the bottom. This is not Indiana Jones’ son.

They’re gonna rip the wig off.

YEAH! YOU THROW THAT FAKE OBJECT THEY DIGITALLY TURNED INTO A MONKEY!

Oh, thank god. Wouldn’t want the fake monkey to seem like he died, right?

Colin:

They’ve gone soft in the wrong ways. Even the CGI monkey couldn’t fall to its death, but I seem to remember something about a man being eaten alive by ants shortly.

“Whoa.”

Thanks, Keanu.

“Whoa.”

“WHOA!”

Great shot.

And now you’re all dead.

You had that pistol the entire time?

And you’re nervous because…?

Oh, I see, because of the giant ant, and not because of a three-dimensional character.

Ah… giant ants. Somehow you knew Lucas was going to get all of his bullshit in here.

Colin:

Just ALL the bullshit. MAN, I hate this.

So naturally you just watch as it bites you.

Colin:

If there’s an ant that’s large enough to have dripping goop, I have only one word for you: flamethrower. I know when to flamethrow my problems.

Remember when these effects were done for real?

Colin:

Oh. Now. It’s now. The goddamn ants. Why did you do this? If I could ask you anything, Spielberg and Lucas and Koepp, it would be this. Why? Just…why?

“Big damn ants.”

Naturally you bring in more people to be killed by the giant ants. Does one of them have a flamethrower?

Colin:

I had not read this when I prescribed a flamethrower just a second ago. Mike and I both know when to flamethrow problems.

“Run to the river!”

Colin:

Is that a reference to the hymn? Don’t you dare bring John Ford into your bullshit.

Or maybe it’s this. Which is also John Ford.

Have you guys seen Young Mr. Lincoln?

Sure, because there’s not a giant drop along the way at all.

Somehow the ants know exactly who to follow.

Colin:

This camera guy is brave. SYKE it’s CGI, and I need it to be over.

This is like the Wild Bunch, only shitty.

Colin:

Ants do not run that quickly. And how did you fail to make the ants coming out of their nests look as realistic as the Lord of the Rings people were able to make the Moria goblins coming out of their tunnels?

Why are they all coming out, by the way? Just cause?

Also, how come this isn’t a bigger problem for the people who live here? I feel like this is something that should exist only in a temple area or something, that’s been hidden from people for thousands of years. And not like, right outside the second biggest river in the world.

Colin:

Nobody lives here. People live in small groups far away from this shit. This is why I hear about deforestation in Brazil or wherever and I’m bummed about how it messes up CO2 processing but also glad that ants and stuff are being torched. So yeah, watching this scene makes me want to print single-sided.

Yeah, but still. There’s no way these ants just decide they’re only gonna live here. There’s no way some don’t spread and take over the continent at large.

Though it seems like their only strength is in numbers. Since Cate Blanchett gets bitten and doesn’t even have so much as a giant blister on her hand. So maybe they’re harmless, they just have to devour you in groups in order to kill you.

Though maybe Cate Blanchett is now slowly turning into an ant and the aliens killed her before she could make the transformation.

Sure, get out of the safety of a truck so you can be killed by giant ants.

Gotta respect a good tally ho, though.

Boss fight.

Colin:

Boss fight, but this time we don’t get a propeller or a rock crusher or a tank over a cliff. We get an advancing wave of ants.

GET TO THE CHOPPER!

Also, faces.

One of these guys has a shitty gun.

Colin:

I like it when that happens, cause it’s planned. Someone told them, “Okay, on ‘three’ you’re going to fire at him, and Josh, you’re going to act like your gun is jammed.”

Wow, you people suck.

Sure, give them an even BIGGER target to hit.

“Jump in!”

Sure, get closer to the line of fire.

Colin:

Wait, how did she get the Jeep back? Didn’t they crash it? Is this a different Jeep? No, cause it’s got the same smashed windshield, right? What is going on?

I like how they just trust Mac again all of a sudden. All he did was say he was a double agent and punch one random guy in the face, who was already half-knocked out and no one was paying attention to.

Also, look at his fucking scarf.

What’s that face? “I got this.”

Colin:

White women.

Fake respect fake.

Colin:

This man has some very large – but crazy – balls. It’s weird he would just know to do that and part the ants, but I guess you try what you got.

So the ants are magnetic too?

How wide a berth do they know to give?

This is how UFC fights should really be fought.

Maybe run into the trees. The ants aren’t going that way.

Just shower in big ants.

Colin:

So that guy was just consumed instantly, which doesn’t work. Also, he’s totally R-Ed Norton.

I was gonna say a little Cusack in there too, but Red Norton is too good to not go with.

Let’s go surfin’ now, everybody’s learnin’ how.

Colin:

She gets lucky cause she’s the boss. I’d like for a movie to start like this one did, and then like 30 minutes in she dies unexpectedly and everyone goes, “Wait, don’t we need like 2 chases and 3 boss fights and a betrayal before she dies?” And then we shrug and the movie’s about something else.

And yet the ants continue to give them room to fight.

You think they’re taking little ant bets on the fight?

Colin:

We really have nothing to say about this, do we? I hate this sequence. All of it.

All… right.

Explain to me how they knew to do that.

Colin:

Ants CANNOT do that.

Just like Home Alone II.

Why are you not still climbing?

Colin:

Kinda weird that this angle has us staring her right in the comrade-maker. I feel like at this point they’re just doing things because they sound good. “Oh yeah, it’ll be a really low angle, cause that’s like, super film-y!” And it’s a fake Russian knee-squashing a fake ant while hanging from a vine.

Nice splatter. Too bad it’s fake.

Colin:

Ew. It squirted on the screen. You know this would have been in shitty 3D if they could have done that.

Colin:

It’s a good thing this Russian guy looks almost as old as Ford. Is there gonna be some way that Ford overpowers him or distracts him, or whatever?

The problem with this scene, and any of the scenes, is that you never feel like the characters are in any danger. It’s all CG, so there’s no sense of peril, even when the film wants you to think there is.

Colin: