Fun with Franchises: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008), Part V — “What’s the Ugha for ‘I Hate This Movie’?”
We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.
Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.
We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.
We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.
Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.
Right now, we’re doing the Indiana Jones franchise, and today is the fifth and final part of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.
We begin Part V in a rock vagina.
So they’re all coming anyway?
So I guess he’s going alone because it told him to and—nope, here we all are, crawling deeper into the dank, disgusting cave that is this movie.
This shot would be better if it was just him and maybe one other person.
It’s four or five thousand years old. “Old as the pyramids.”
He’s as old as the pyramids.
I’m sorry, I’m just assuming the movie is gonna make that joke.
Old as the pyramids, which I guess is supposed to be significant. At this point, at least, it’s entirely unrelated, which means it would be like saying, “This is my grandmother, old as the Chrysler Building.”
That’s one way to introduce people. Hello David, son of Chris, old as Fraggle Rock.
Sun worshippers. “Just like the Egyptians.”
Yeah, and a fuck ton of other primitive cultures. It’s the big, shiny thing in the sky that provides the only respite from your depressing, short lives. I don’t give a shit about the sun (actually prefer cloudy or rainy days) because I have other things to idolize, like the Internet.
This is also South America. How about the Aztecs?
But the torches. Those are fresh.
Which means what Ox was here?
“Yeah, but that’s not the Sun they’re worshipping.”
That’s a fucking alien.
And apparently taught them how to do shit.
Butt stuff? No. Farming and irrigation classes. The sexiest version of alien visitor theories.
Most alien visitor theories involve some sort of irrigation.
Yeah, pull the skull out by its fucking eye sockets like a dick.
That cave painting looks like an alien Eyes Wide Shut party.
“I think I understand, Ox.”
NO WAY. That elongated skull that came out of an alien body earlier belonged to an…ALIEN?
Somehow that unlocks the door.
I’m gonna assume finally the magnets thing comes into play and not this bullshit silhouette matching thing.
Why does it have teeth?
Oh, good, more of them.
“Thirteen, in a circle.”
Oh, you mean this whole movie that’s been about aliens had to do with…ALIENS?
“Show us the way, Ox.”
Or… just follow the goddamn path.
This is demeaning for this poor man. Call him by his name and clean him up. They’re clearly more concerned with finding this place than they are about their friend’s health.
Oh good. More savages.
Oh Good, More Savages
Would have been cooler if the camera didn’t track in. It’s pointing out what’s about to happen. It doesn’t let the shot linger at all and happen organically. So instead of a “Whoa, shit!” moment, you get, “Oh, so that’s going to happen now.”
So do you guys just chill in there for weeks on end? Do you have to rebuild the fronts every time you get out?
Tell me these assholes haven’t been waiting in the walls for millennia, just for this moment.
Considering that they broke the walls to pop out, this wasn’t normal. They weren’t just using doors that they always use. You were waiting in the walls and ceiling for them to walk by. I hate that these filmmakers only think in terms of shitty film conventions.
Bolas seem like a terrible weapon. You throw them and then…good luck. The Aborigines made a weapon that comes back to them, you morons.
When did he light that torch? He had a lighter on him?
We should probably run now.
This would make a great location for a better Indiana Jones movie.
Too bad it’s clearly CG.
That doesn’t look CGI. Not at all.
Why didn’t you guys think to ambush them from this side too?
Now the closeup looks more real, like they built it. They probably did. Why did the wide shot have to be such crappy CGI?
The ones in the back look blue. And excited. They’re about to fuck up some white people.
They get taken down by the natives, because they didn’t think to use the skull on them after just using it on the ants.
Man, that was elongated. Is that what she sound like when she cums?
Why are you all depending on him to do something?
Because it’s his name in the title. Think about that, and a lot of bad franchise movies start to make sense.
You know what this moment reminds me of?
Exactly. Depend on the guy who did it before and has the alien skull in his possession.
This is majorly sub-par-lay.
Ugha… skull got you all in check.
Oh, you primitives.
Oh, he had to ask. Fucking really.
Ah, way to reveal Mac is still working with them and completely eliminating any kind of twist to it when it happens later. Not that we believed a fucking word of it.
This means that Mack is really a quadruple agent. Good guy turned bad guy turned good guy and now a bad guy with the tracking device. Unless it’s Karen Allen. There’s a twist. Good thing he didn’t loose all of that stuff in the three waterfall drops. And that it was waterproof.
So how’d you guys get down the waterfalls without getting wet?
Jesus, Mike, not all of us require PCP to accomplish our goals.
You came to the wrong neighborhood, motherfucker.
Weird how the natives are just letting this happen.
“City of gold? So where’s all the gold? Look at the state of this place. What a stupid legend. What a waste of my time.”
Even if you did find all the gold…how do you think you’d make money off of it all? It’s in a country you’re probably in illegally, and even if you got a cut, did you SEE National Treasure 2?
I love how he says it though. “What a stupid legend.”
So this thing is the key. They just need to figure out how to open it.
Sand, and the obelisk is the key? So, based on documentaries I’ve seen from turning on the History Channel (back when it was only about ancient civilizations and Nazis, kinda like this franchise), I’m going to guess that you have to remove the sand from this cube structure, which will be full of sand that drops the key into the lock. Exactly how the Egyptians raised their obelisks and columns.
He was here before. Right? Or did he not get this far? Honestly I don’t even care anymore. Let’s just get this over with.
I want stone faces carved into my obelisks.
Way to defile a temple that’s been here for 5,000 years.
I’m not automatically respectful of old stuff. Besides, he has a history of defiling.
I’m smart. From watching the History Channel.
So if someone got all the way here without the skull, what happened then? Who put all that sand back?
Which reminds me… if Oxley was here before, why wouldn’t the assholes who just tried to kill them remember him? It’s not like you get many visitors. I’m pretty sure if a dude came by with a skull that looks like your deity, you’d remember him if he came back.
“Hey, hey, hey! Who the hell are you? Are you– oh, wait! No, guys, it’s that white guy with the skull! Hey, man, how’s it going? Did you ever find that Arby’s? I know the directions were a little confusing.”
You think this place has Chipotle?
That rock face looks nice.
Behold the moving stone dick.
Steven Spielberg look of wonderment.
Notice that British people always pucker a little more. It’s like an “ooooooooooh” moment.
These ancient peoples were all about moving rocks around. Get a new thing, ancients.
So seriously, how does this thing get reset?
Maybe don’t stand on sand when a giant obelisk is moving in front of you.
See, someone did this before. How did all the sand get put back?
That was a super long time ago, though. Oxley was never IN here, he only knew where it was. And whoever stole the skull was here like 500 years ago, so the natives probably took care of that at some point between now and then.
They must have. They have a lot of free time to put wall hiding spots back together while they sit inside them.
So you fell like ten feet and landed on rock.
Well that was simple. Two shots explains the situation. Not that we really know where anyone is in relation to anything.
Okay, I get that the stairs are moving in, giving them a limited window, but that was a really shitty way to set that up. At least let the moment breathe before it happens. We’re just rushing to a conclusion here.
Mike’s still bailing out the Titanic, folks. I’m on the other side. There’s a conclusion imminent? By all means, rush! I’ve given up on this movie.
I feel like Karen Allen isn’t making this. Which…regrettable, I guess.
They survived the spikes, which weren’t even that spikey. Great tension, Steven.
He dropped the skull.
Probably not the hardest thing to find right now. Just walk around. You’ll get it eventually.
Harrison Ford, up to his knees in shitty water in a weird sci-fi type movie. You guys see Witness?
Did you really think you were in danger right there? Those fucking things were spaced out. It’s not like you were guaranteed to hit them if you fell.
You know what this all is?
Who kisses like that?
“No time for love, Dr. Jones!”
If I had a nickel every time I got cockblocked by a skeleton…
Karen Allen has the face like a mother seeing their child get their favorite doll back.
Give him back his blue blanket.
Nice. Rob the dead guy.
This movie is almost done. I love watching things on VLC as we near the end.
The aliens sure hid themselves from view.
Oh, what a fucking surprise. Who’d you think was leading them? Oxley?
K, so he’s dropped another homing beacon. Cause the top of the now-open pyramid and the ONLY door leading out of the chamber inside probably would have been too tough. Also, doesn’t that look like the same homing beacon Heather Graham put in Fat Bastard’s ass?
Have you guys seen Milk?
Dead Mayans. Or whatever they are.
Murder the natives so my country can control the alien knowledge.
Talk about walking it through Mayan.
How many people have we seen KILLED in this? These guys aren’t killed, and we don’t really get confirmed kills on most of the other “deaths” that we see. The ants, for sure.
Where does one get those? Did he get a deal, buying them in bulk? Why did you think you’d need so many?
How come no one took food on this trip? When’s the last time any of them ate?
Is she going to keep picking them up and treating it like a mystery? This is like the twelfth one by now. “A thirteenth. Hmm.”
Did you guys not hear the machine guns mowing down the natives?
Here’s the gold.
That looks like Maggie Smith as Hera and Fat Orson Welles.
“There are artifacts from every era of early history.”
So these guys just stole shit?
“There isn’t a museum in the world that wouldn’t sell its soul for this lot.”
Apparently the aliens were archaeologists. And that’s supposed to make it okay.
Let’s entertain for a second that all this stuff would be preserved. Just the fact that it’s light in here tells us that there’s too much fresh air getting in, which means damp and elements and shit. Nope.
Right, because only now it’s gonna do that. What kind of lead shawl was that thing?
Well, obviously that door.
Strange moment for a wide, symmetrical shot, huh? I mean, strange moment to start.
I like the little bit of space in its brain.
Which reminds me… why exactly did Mac need to get the Russians here? Indy would have let him keep the shit.
Of course Mack is the shithead covering himself in jewels like a stereotype. You’re not Jack Sparrow, you don’t do the covered in jewels thing.
Do you all have to touch it? What happens if you’re just a badass and show up yourself?
So the way the aliens get inside is to stand inside that doorway?
It looks like he’s gonna bash it against the door but instead is just exaggerating the movement.
How does he know that’s how you open the door? He’s remarkably slow with most things and then strangely quick with others.
Awesome door. Isn’t it nice when shit is made for real?
So that door opens ONCE. Can’t you make something that can be used more than once? This is why these civilizations failed so miserably. Every door they made was a rock hymen. Popped your door cherry, so I guess this room is now eternally accessible.
Yup… fucking aliens.
Even Spielberg thought this was stupid. He admitted he never liked the idea and said that the only reason he went along with it is because Lucas is his good friend.
Dead aliens. This movie still isn’t over, is it?
I saw this in theaters.
Me too. It’s terrible how many awful movies I’ve paid to see. Like, at least 5.
Remember when we went to see Dragonball: Evolution?
Wait, were these skeletons here this whole time, and someone stole the skull? Why then, when they return the skull, does it become a live alien again and disappear? Wouldn’t it have to be a skeleton first for the skull to be stolen? Doesn’t that mean they were dead and waiting here for something when the skull was stolen? So why do they now all come back together?
I’m through asking plot questions. I’m gonna stick to logistical and continuity questions.
Fucking really, dude?
“So what are you… a triple agent?”
“Nah, I just lied about being a double.”
This makes him a quadruple agent. Single, double, triple, quadruple. Four. Single was when he was good in the beginning. Double was when he was working for the Russians and sold him out. Triple was when he pretended to be good again. And now he’s bad again. Even numbers are bad. Odd numbers are good. Can’t you count, George and Steven? Who taught you math?
Did he know they were gonna show up at this exact moment?
“Look at them. Still waiting for the return of the one who was lost.”
So they were waiting for the skull to come back, but how did the skull get swiped in the first place unless they were already sitting here as skeletons?
Apparently they’re a hive mind. Or whatever. I stopped paying attention. I’m just drinking heavily now.*
*And probably whenever you might be reading this, as well.
“Imagine what they could tells us.”
“I can’t. Neither could the humans that built this temple and neither could you.”
Oh, NOW he’s respectful of this stuff? There was NOTHING like the ark or the grail or even the stones in this movie, nothing that he was respectful or fearful of. Nothing until this moment to the effect that this is some shit that shouldn’t be meddled with. Now he’s talking about it like it’s a holy relic.
“Belief, Dr. Jones, is a gift that you have yet to receive. My sympathies.”
HE FUCKED WITH GOD’S STUFF TWICE. HE BELIEVES.
How exactly did the head get separated from the spine anyway?
Couldn’t a hive mind have stopped a beheading?
It sits up. How clever.
He’s speaking Mayan.
John Hurt speaks that hassa hassa.
“He’s grateful, and wants to give us a gift.”
Is he speaking for the alien? Can’t this alien speak? Not exactly the knight, is it?
“Tell me everything you know. I want to know everything. I want to know.”
“I’ve got a bad feeling about this.”
Just in case you thought George Lucas was limited in his ability to ruin franchises.
That line. Stricken from films for all time to come.
“Indy… the eyes.”
Mac be peacing.
But not without that.
He’s got to grab more shit. Does he drown with it all on?
Is it that fast? There’s not a whole lot of build up to this. Not that I need it, honestly. Finish the damn movie.
“What are they, spacemen?”
“Interdimensional beings, in point of fact.”
“Welcome back, Ox.”
Ox is back for whatever weird reason. He probably has shitty pants.
Did those Russians just visit another dimension? Eat your hearts out, Laika and Yuri Gagarin.
So… was that there the whole time, or is that just coming to get them right now?
There goes that rock hymen.
“What is that?”
“A portal. A pathway to another dimension.”
“Don’t think we want to go that way.”
“I want to know.”
This is what kills her, right? They gear up to leave and then she gets blinded with science zapped with knowledge and blows up? Could she have spared her own life by limiting her query? Like, “Give me the knowledge required to defeat the Americans and achieve world domination?”
“Tell me. I’m ready. I want to know.”
Her body is ready.
Give him the loot, give him the loot. (He’s a bad, bad boy.)
I don’t care how ready for treasure you are, if you hear that sound and then see a bunch of people trying to break the hell out, you stop to see what’s going on.
Wow. Never seen this before. Guy lusting for treasure killed because of his greed.
I mean, you can’t have a franchise without some freshness, am I right?
“I can see.”
She’s getting some sense. Probably just realized that she’s already knocking on the glass ceiling of her career path as a woman in an oppressive society.
“Use your legs, Mac, I can’t do it alone.”
“I’m gonna be all right.”
What? You’ve been out for yourself this entire movie and now all of a sudden you decide to sacrifice yourself? He actually can save you.
Where did this moment of redemption come from? He was a four-timing asshole who couldn’t put down the treasure less than TEN SECONDS AGO and we saw zero change in him. He just looks up and says he’s going to be okay, as in, “Let me go, this is how I can redeem myself.” You don’t just manufacture that sort of moment out of nowhere. There has to be some realization, some nobility, some badassery, or SOMETHING. This was weak and upsetting. It makes me angry that this level of apathy in the making of this film isn’t IMMEDIATELY apparent to EVERYONE who watched it.
Did she learn that communism is fundamentally flawed?
Skeleton + skeleton + skeleton … + skeleton = bad CGI alien.
“Hey, you gave me my head back… and now I’m going to kill you.”
Presumably the idea is that the alien knew Ox was the one who did it and not her. Presumably.
Honestly, the only thing missing right now is the alien plugging Starbucks or something.
“Now serving kale smoothies.”
“Taste the rainbow.”
I hope this isn’t a poorly veiled argument against educating females. Girls: knowledge will make you explode.
So he’s gone with little fanfare, she’s gone, which is refreshing…can we end here? Or do we have to talk about all the characters who get born after this and all have names referencing people? I guess Mutt is technically referencing him, since he’s actually Henry Walton Jones III. If Rowling had been involved with this, it would have been Henry Abner Jones, and we’d have an epilogue with Mutt married to the chick who punched him in the diner (wait, that was Sasha Spielberg?) and they’d have a son named Henry Oxley Jones or whatever. Rowling and her bullshit names. Mutt is already a dog thing, huh? Is that because Indiana was the dog’s name?
Naturally there’s just water there. Because why not?
Fitting. Let us remember this movie as a shit ending with a rock toilet being flushed.
And now they have to race the rock hymens for their survival.
This is straight out of Journey to the Center of the Earth.
Why are you afraid? People float.
Pretty sure it wouldn’t work like that. Pretty sure they’d drown before they got to the top.
This is just moving people around so we can get to the end of the goddamn movie.
Well that leather jacket is ruined.
Like ten times over.
The whole place is spinning now? We get here just in time to see the whole thing start spinning. This is one of those where the main action sequence starts and the process is going slowly, like a train on fire a tiny bit. And then you jump off, and the entire thing just explodes out of nowhere.
All of this needs to not.
And somehow he’s not killed by flying concrete.
And somehow he’s not killed by falling concrete.
Now… few questions.
First… so all that shit the aliens were collecting… just didn’t give a fuck about it? Did they just want to go home the whole time? What exactly was their purpose? They helped the people, then lost a skull, then had to chill there for a few thousand years until someone found it? Because the skull was only like a couple hundred miles away from where they were the whole time. If they’re a hive mind, what did they need the last skull for? Does anyone have any idea what was going on with this fucking movie?
Now, second, and less plot based, because that shit will kill you if you try to think about it for more than a few minutes… planes exist. It’s the 50s. Planes and aerial photography exist. So presuming that wherever they are, it hasn’t been seen from above and noticed in the 40 years air travel has been perfected. Sure. Fine. But you’re telling me that a giant fucking temple and a big ass area of land goes completely under water like this… and nobody notices the displacement? You’re telling me that this is just gonna go completely unnoticed, a giant area of land now water? The fucking water is coming from somewhere.
“Like a broom to their footprints.”
Except you saw it. You know where it is and you know what’s there. You can tell people about this. They can go underneath and find all this stuff. The skulls are still there.
And what about the skull in the British Museum? That’s still there. What the fuck was that?
A broom and footprints is effective. You can’t just cover this with water and expect people to be like, “Oh, I guess there weren’t pyramids here for the last few thousands of years.”
“Where did they go? Into space?”
“Not into space. But into the space between spaces.”
Because that fucking makes sense.
How do you know they went to the space between spaces? You just went from crazy person to expert in the aliens’ whole deal a little too quickly.
Also… how the fuck are you guys gonna get home from here?
“I don’t understand. Why this legend of a city of gold?”
Apparently the word for gold in that dead language translates as treasure.
Oh, apparently that dead language is called Ugha.
That feels appropriate.
But yeah, gold translates to treasure. So it’s a city of treasure. Either way, the question stands.
“But their treasure wasn’t gold, it was knowledge.”
No, but it said city of treasure. There was no knowledge there. Just aliens and gold. You’re just making that shit up right now.
“Knowledge was their treasure.”
So you guys realize that this movie ends with “Treasure is knowledge and knowledge is treasure,” and how fucking ridiculous that is, right?
Why was knowledge their treasure? There was a fuck ton of gold there, too. And you’re only saying that because THAT’S what she asked for. What if she’d asked for a lifetime supply of Fruitomic Punch Gushers? Or 40 vats of Solar Gak? What’s the Ugha for ‘I hate this movie?’
And now let’s chill on this rock, because where the fuck else are we going?
Yes. Sit here with no shelter or food, all night.
Oh, good. At least we know how they’re gonna go home.
“What, are we just gonna sit here?”
“Night falls quick in the jungle, kid. You don’t wanna climb down the mountain in the dark.”
“I can. Who’s coming with me? Come on.”
Really? You just asked why they’re all sitting there and are now asking who’s coming with you? Is anyone even paying attention to anything that’s going on?
“Why don’t you stick around, junior?”
Hah. Junior. Dad. Get it? Let’s reference Connery. There it is. Hoop = jumped through.
“I don’t know. Why didn’t you, Dad?”
“Somewhere your grandpa is laughing.”
In Scotland. That’s where he’s laughing. Laughing because he didn’t have to be in this piece of shit.
And not a single ‘Jamal Wallace’ was said.
Shouldn’t Ox be pissed at him right now? Since he made him raise the motherfucker?
That’s a Buck Nasty move. Hate, hate, hate.
You could end the movie here.
But apparently this is Spielberg’s thing nowadays… not knowing where to end his movies. (Seriously… Lincoln?)
Seems like this was supposed to originally be Sallah. But more on that in a moment.
“Make the letters bigger. Much bigger.”
Why? Just for the joke?
I remember this was a gag in a Three Stooges short, where they kept on breaking the glass that the poor guy was painting. I still think of that when I watch Charlie Wilson’s War.
So he got his job back, how? By finding aliens? I don’t understand how that all worked out.
He gets a job again because he has a kid and some need of money again. I guess he’s no longer just going to drink beer and eat bread heels all the time.
Let’s go over this: Indiana Jones is minding his own business, digging for shit somewhere in Mexico. Probably was drunk with Mac and digging for a place to shit. He is then thrown in a trunk and taken to Area 51, which is also a nuclear testing site. Because all of the government’s biggest secrets ought to be kept right where nuclear weapons are being tested. So that gets burned to the ground.
And then the FBI gets Jones fired, for… reasons. And then he randomly meets his long lost son, because of… reasons. And then they go to Peru, where they encounter aliens. And somewhere during all of that, he gets his job back. I guess, because… reasons? Because Spalko was killed? It doesn’t really matter, does it? Because that’s the smallest logic hole we’re dealing with at this point.
Not a hole. A hole between holes.
This is the Harry Potter epilogue of the Indiana Jones franchise.
Goddamn it. Wedding.
Apparently they wanted to bring everyone back for the wedding. Which would have been fucking dumb. Fortunately Connery said, “Fuck no. I like being retired,” and John Rhys-Davies said it would cheapen Sallah’s character to just have him there. They also wanted Kate Capshaw and Short Round to come back. Which really would have made this movie even more pitiful than it already is.
I almost wish Kate Capshaw and Short Round had been in this scene, because it would have been so undeniably, so incomprehensibly shitty that I’d never have to have that discussion with people about how they didn’t think this movie was that bad.
Also, Indiana Jones… not Jewish.
It’s refreshing to see no Botox there.
Wow. John Hurt looks like a normal person.
“How much of human life is lost in wait?”
This is a creepy minister.
I think he’s one of the Boys from Brazil.
“You may kiss your bride.”
Really? What’s that all about?
Karen Allen and her whole take-charge thing is a lot less interesting now that she’s not 30. And for anyone who thinks I’m being prejudiced against older women, I think Ford is out of his element too. And I love Judi Dench. So there it is.
Mom and Dad kissing joke. Ah. This is still happening.
Christ, John Hurt.
“Thanks Ox.” Connery did this with Ford before, not going to hate it, even if it would be weird for Mutt to even think this was directed at him, or for that matter, to answer to his “real” name that quickly.
Ahh… they shot this in LA. Red sidewalks are a dead giveaway.
White vehicles. Lots of white vehicles.
What’s that face about? Are you all gonna get Kill Bill’d right now? It’s fucking wind.
I would forgive a lot if they cut to Samuel L. Jackson playing the piano in the church. Cause Rufus, he’s the man.
That hat looks way too new. Does he have new ones? That hat is more than 50 years old at this point, most likely. He got it in 1912 and it looked at least a few years old at that point. New hat, I guess.
And I think we all just breathed a collective sigh of relief.
I’m glad he didn’t get to put it on. Good.
The Raiders March… down the aisle.
And that’s the END OF THE FRANCHISE!
Oh yes, it’s over. Thank you. Yes. Do I need to do Final Thoughts on this? Is it not apparent? Monkey swinging and rock hymens.
– – – – – – – – – –
Tomorrow we go over our favorite images from the film.
(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)