Fun with Franchises: The Marvel Universe – Iron Man (2008), Part II — “Is This How You Liaise?”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is Iron Man.

Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.

We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.

We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.

Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.

Right now, we’re doing the Marvel Universe, and today is the second part of Iron Man.

We begin Part II as Stark gets ready to unveil the suit.

Like a boxer getting ready for a fight.

You know, like Sherlock Holmes. (Seriously, what the fuck was that about?)

Colin:

I don’t remember the books, and the Wishbone version didn’t get into it at ALL, but apparently Holmes was quite the pugilist. It was strange how he set it all up in his head and did it. But that’s the character, I suppose.

Colin:

This is that gay scene where Gamling helps Theoden get dressed while stroking his ego.

Where is the horse and the rider…

And this isn’t suspicious at all to the terrorists?

Colin:

If he was smart, he wouldn’t put glass in front of the thing powering the whole suit. Put that shit inside.

He shaved, by the way.

Colin:

Screw that. The girlfriend got me a beard trimmer for Christmas, and I have it on the lowest setting. So every day or two, I go from that ‘3-4 days without a shave’ look to the ‘2 days without a shave’ look. And it takes 30 seconds. It also has a built-in vacuum that sucks up the little hairs so they don’t go everywhere.

And then he counts the steps out. Which… okay.

Colin:

How does Toub know how many steps it is? I thought they hadn’t let him out.

Where the fuck is Stark?

Colin:

These guys should absolutely know this is coming. They’ve been threatened and they’re locked in what is basically the Gizmos and Gadgets version of an armory.

God, what a great company. To come up with so many great games.

But Treasure Cove was amazing.

The way these guys run out reminds me of SOCOM. I played the shit out of that game when it first came out.

Colin:

I remember that. Think my brother had it on his PS2. That was one of those games that looked really cool but I could never really do because it was too complicated for someone with no console to just pick up randomly at a friend’s house. I remember getting spotted cause I’d leave bodies everywhere, thinking they’d just disappear or whatever.

I liked it because it was just military enough to where you could actually use sniper rifles and stuff, but all the missions were based on how you ran them. You told the rest of your team what to do. So you could tell them, go sneak up there, while you hung out and picked people off. I never got very far in the game, I always ended up going more for Mercenaries in the end. Just because the concept of that first game was one of the best I’ve ever seen.

You guys deserve everything that’s about to happen to you.

Yes, because opening that is gonna do something.

“Say something.”

“They’re speaking Hungarian. I don’t—”

“Speak Hungarian.”

“Okay.”

“What do you know?”

He knows bomb.

Colin:

These two terrorists are totally the Middle Eastern version of the two idiot British soldiers in the Pirates movies.

Colin:

Those terrorists just got volcanoed in the face.

Nice coloring.

Colin:

I feel like “yalla yalla” is going to be the phrase that sticks with our generation the way “di di mao” stuck with our parents and “schnell” stuck with our grandparents.

Nah… still those other two for me.

One of the reasons I can’t wait to be a parent. The ability to shout “schnell” at my children. It’s not the same when it’s other people’s children.

Colin:

That’s what life is. Yelling ‘schnell’ at other people’s children until you can yell it at your own.

He’s gotta finish the last of the power sequencing.

Naturally only Stark knows how to do it.

Ticking clocks make for good action movies.

Also, this is Afghanistan, yet… QWERTY keyboard.

Colin:

He wrote a launch program for this thing? On what looks like MS DOS?

“We need more time.”

And… sacrifice.

Good thing we can telegraph shit before it happens.

“I’m gonna go buy you some time.”

“Stick to the plan.”

Colin:

He’s getting off the boat.

Sure. Looks like a plan.

YEAH! GET SOME!

(That was a waste of bullets.)

Colin:

Yensin don’t give a FUCK. I really don’t get him spraying the ceiling with bullets, though. If I was him, I’d conserve ammo, find a position and pick off some dudes instead of running headfirst into a goon squad. You wanna stall? Catch them off guard.

It’s always that progress bar. Fucking windows…

(Also, why is it going so slow now? What kind of Wi-fi they have in here?)

Colin:

Is it weird that Arabic script goes right-to-left, but the progress bars still go left-to-right? I guess they only wanted to change the language packs and wouldn’t localize anything else.

Hey, you guys remember Star Wars?

Colin:

See? What did you expect would happen? He’s gonna get shot hundreds of times. Probably take a few in the dick.

I guess that means it worked.

Though I thought his heart reactor was powering this thing. So what’s with all the sequencing?

Colin:

I’ll never understand the slow creeping into a room with guys fighting over who goes first. It’s called a flashbang.

You know who knew how to do this? Javier Bardem in Skyfall. Just lobbing fucking grenades through the windows.

Colin:

That was a great scene. He knew exactly what he was doing. He was LAUGHING.

That’s a fun way to go out.

Colin:

Ever pimp smack a terrorist across a cave?

Ever? Check out my Youtube channel!

Sure. Just fire randomly when there are missiles in there. Seems smart.

Oh shit.

This feels like something out of an 80s movie.

Colin:

It looks like a stupid RoboCop.

Colin:

Wait, he just had his hands in gloves, so how is he punching them like that? Does he have hand covers?

If I had to guess, his hands only go so far into the fists, and there’s a gap there between his actual fist an the outside.

He is, quite literally, iron man.

Nice camera placement.

This thing eats bullets.

Yes, run at the giant metal suit.

Colin:

I admire your bravery, charging Arab. But you’re a dumbass.

SWAT YO DUMB ASS.

That’s what Cell did to Hercule.

Colin:

And probably what Goku did to Chi Chi when nobody was around.

Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Robots.

Barrels. Shit’s gonna explode!

I hope he’s counting his steps. Otherwise that shit was useless a minute ago.

Iron Man, Iron Man, does whatever an Iron Man can.

Please step over him now.

This sequence plays a lot better in real time than it does in shots.

Ha ha. Locked him in there with him.

Colin:

That’s like the schmuck who got left in Jabba’s pit. Yeah, it’s the rancor, bitches!

If it’s not Ramses, I’m not interested.

This is the kind of shit they do in monster movies. And now Iron Man is the monster.

LET Mw IN!

Colin:

I BEEN READY TO FUCK, MY SUIT’S SO TIGHT!

Oh, that dude got FUCKED up.

Aww… he’s stuck.

Good job, asshole.

Colin:

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Colin:

Here comes Big Dick McGee with his grenade launcher. I don’t know why all weapons don’t have grenade launchers attached. I just saw American Sniper and saw a guy with an M4 Carbine (I think) with a grenade launcher, and he was very conspicuous not firing it every 2 seconds.

Big Dick McGee with the Grenade Launcher

Clue 2000.

Colin:

Isn’t it also funny how grenade launchers and other attachments are referred to as “accessories?” As though you bought them at Claire’s.

“Watch out!”

(Is he on bags of fertilizer? That’s… shitty.)

Colin:

Optimus? This actually feels like the closest fit yet for that to be true.

Yeah, right, like he’s got the ability to be evasive in that.

Look at me, Mr. I Have Rockets Too.

Colin:

Arm rockets are key.

Naturally he gets crushed, so he can come back later and not have to die now. Classic.

Colin:

Kill your problems. We can just make more problems. I want to write an action movie where there’s a solid confirmation on all the kills. Kinda like Zombieland.

Get this shit out of my way.

“Come on, we gotta go.”

“This was always the plan, Stark.”

You guys were seriously not on the same page, were you?

“Come on, you gotta go see your family. Get up.”

“My family’s dead. I’m going to see them now, Stark.”

Colin:

What is he lying on? Is that rice or something? Just some random American stuff?

Random American Stuff

Aww… he’s gonna cry.

Just like Timothy Dalton.

“Don’t waste it. Don’t waste your life.”

Colin:

Oh this is where he tells Robert Damon Jr. to “earn this.”

I’m sure he got that speech many times.

You know, like, in prison and rehab and stuff.

Not to bring up old wounds.

All right, he’s dead. Now, to kick some ass.

Look at his little knit hat.

Colin:

What’s with the cap?

Barrel alert.

Colin:

Out of the darkness, and a terrorist yells ‘aloha snackbar.’

Tiger Woods terrorist.

Colin:

I was gonna say Hiroyuki Sanada.

Not bad for like, a week. In a cave.

Y’all science fair projects ain’t shit.

They always pull guns at the same moment.

The amount of times we hear this sound effect.

You’re telling me not a single person hit him in the eye hole?

Colin:

There’s no way he’s not getting one of those in the eye hole.

That guy on the left is Mexican!

“My turn.”

Well that seems like a dangerous thing to have on you when people are shooting at you.

That thing also has a pretty great range to it. Doesn’t it?

Colin:

Still thinking about those damn ants from Crystal Skull.

These guys at least know how to flamethrow their problems.

Watch out for your hat!

Colin:

OH! Did you see that? He crossed the streams.

How many women do you think Tony Stark has peed on?

I’m sorry, what?

I zone out during action sequences.

Streams, Vanity Fair… my brain is a deep, dark place.

Colin:

Just like Lana Turner.

That seems pretty dangerous to be around as you set it on fire.

(Just like Lana Turner.)

Your eyeholes are seriously exposed. Not even the fire is making that burn up or anything?

That guy just got propelled.

Metaphors, guys.

Symbolism.

But not really. Since he’s still using his own equipment.

Colin:

Remember Firebats from StarCraft? And how they made jokes about propane and propane accessories?

I want all of my weekend plans to include the phrase “propane and propane accessories.” But not barbecues.

He should be walking along this place, strutting. Give us a flamethrower shimmy!

Colin:

I really don’t get how there’s a 20mm cannon on the ridge, pointed at the cave.

The plot.

This suit shoots rockets. And you’re on a ridge.

This’ll end well.

Hopefully with a Wilhelm Scream.

There’s no way out. Maybe that detail would be more important for an actual escape.

Paul Giamatti terrorist.

But like, if Paul Giamatti were playing Steve Van Sant.

YOUR SUIT IS FLAWED

Action pose!

Yeah, that’s a self-destruct button.

Where’d you get the hydraulics to be able to pull that off?

The army sees this, right?

Colin:

Michael Bay?

OPTIMUS!!!!

I’m sure the CIA is freaking out right about now.

Colin:

And none of this huge explosion killed the guy who’s still injured in the cave, cause he has to continue as a bad guy. And did this not kill his whole crew? The ones we see later must have been at Chipotle.

Desert Chipotle

Colin:

Oh, I like that shot.

So do they not have more guys outside the mountains?

100% instant death.

Colin:

This thing isn’t padded or filled with jelly or anything, so I don’t see how he survives this.

The plot.

So he hits sand at some ridiculous speed, and now there are jagged bits of metal everywhere.

This looks like a Terminator funeral.

Now what? You’re still in the middle of the fucking desert.

Colin:

That’s what my grandfather says every time there’s some invasion in the Middle East. ISIS takes over some town. “Now what? You’re still in the middle of the fucking desert.”

When I say it, I have that Elliott Gould inflection.

If the entire upper half is still on, where did all those parts come from?

Can you clim bout of that easily?

“Not bad.”

Are there scorpions and shit there?

Colin:

I can’t imagine walking like that without podcasts or SOMETHING.

I hope there’s a desert Chipotle nearby.

There’s gotta be a Starbucks or something around here.

Free Wi-fi.

Do terrorists do Instagram?

Nice shot.

Colin:

SURPRISE AMERICA

Did they happen to be patrolling, or is this their response to the explosions?

You know… I feel like no matter how much you assume they saw you, you pretty much have to act like an idiot and do exactly that when they fly overhead.

He actually sounds like Tom Hanks screaming for the volleyball right here.

Colin:

He’s waving like Hanks did when Lt. Dan showed up on the dock.

Please, no gang signs.

Colin:

Are those rocks? They look green. What do you do in this situation? Wait. Look closely at that image. Is that not a power line in the distance, from the left? Those look like telephone poles. That’s where you should go.

Surprise America changes everybody’s plans.

“How was the Funvee?”

Really? That’s what you have?

Colin:

Aww, they’re friends. Remember that pun he made?

What’s he doing here? His friend went missing, so he just hung out in Afghanistan for three months to try to find him? Was there a whole Taken subplot to this, where he bombed around villages trying to figure out what happened to him? And now he just gets to go home, while the rest of the soldiers who helped him stay there on tour?

Is this how you liaise?

Colin:

Would they not be stopping him and asking what the glowing thing is in his chest? And assuming that it’s a bomb and that he’s rigged to explode?

“Next time, you ride with me, okay?”

The plot can’t kill us both!

Dead eyes.

Great how they brought him to the Santa Monica Airport and not to, you know, a debriefing facility of some sort.

Colin:

Is that not Edwards AFB? It says Edwards on all the stuff.

Oh. It is. I was just guessing that’s what they did. These movies have instilled low expectations in me.

Still, is he not gonna be debriefed?

What are you assholes just standing around for? Don’t you have military stuff to do?

Colin:

Rich people always get to drive onto the runway. I want that. You’ve made it if you drive on the runway.

And if you’re John Favreau.

I always like a good shot from the inside of a plane.

Is it weird that I find her slightly more attractive when she’s been crying?

Colin:

I’d much rather ride down that ramp on a wheelchair or something.

I hope Terrence Howard made him wait three hours before that plane took off.

Colin:

So they’re holding hands, which is normal.

Is this how you liaise?

What asshole parks a plane directly across from another plane like that? I know the shot is one thing, but that guy parked that plane exactly across from the other one, and everyone parked like they knew the plane was gonna land right here.

That’s like those people who deliberately back into parking spots. Fuck you.

“Are you kidding me with this? Get rid of ‘em.”

Why? They don’t even seem like they’re paying attention anyway.

Though I like his little hand motion. Do you think that’s gonna stop real medical professionals?

Especially ones hired by the army?

It’s crazy that rich people can get away with this.

Anyone else would be in a holding cell until they answered questions.

“Your eyes are red. Few tears for your long lost boss?”

Is that the flight crew behind him? That’s a big downgrade.

Hell of a suit you got there, though. How’d they whip that up so quickly?

I wish I was rich enough to have tailored suits ready for me at a moment’s notice.

“Tears of joy. I hate job hunting.”

And then he says, “Vacation’s over.” Great boss.

Colin:

That’s true. My current boss is the sole owner of the startup I work for, which means that if he died out of nowhere, there would be problems. Job hunting sucks. (Update: I have left that company, so whatever.)

What do you do while your boss is held captive by terrorists?

Colin:

Butt stuff?

“Where to, sir?”

Crazy Girls?

But In N Out. The answer is always In N Out.

“Take us to the hospital.”

“No.”

“No?”

“No is a complete answer.”

“Tony, you have to –”

“I don’t have to do anything. I’ve been in captivity for three months.”

Wait… three months? When the fuck did that happen? What happened to a week? Way to keep us informed of the time span, guys.

Colin:

Yeah, but it might have also been his treatment and stuff. Maybe they had him knocked out for the first 10 weeks for probing and stuff like that.

Maybe terrorist abduction is a semesterly thing.

(Would that have made that their Arab Spring?)

(And Tony is now on Spring Break.)

“There are two things I want to do. I want an American cheeseburger, and the other –”

“That’s enough.”

“Is not what you think. I want you to call for a press conference now.”

Colin:

He wants a cheeseburger and…not what she thinks? Fries? Does Burger King sell onion rings?

They’re like 20 minutes from In N Out right now.

“Hogan, drive. Cheeseburger first.”

Is he driving into the plane? Where’s he going?

Colin:

The plane’s big enough that it looks like they’re closer to it than they are. He’s turning around. But we’re talking a Rolls Royce, which has the turning radius of a small moon. Or a space station.

That’s a lot of people milling about for no reason. Don’t you guys have jobs?

Really? You assholes. Clapping.

Also, Asian lady in the red suit.

Colin:

Ugh. MBA types clapping.

Colin:

Jeff Bridges doing the twinkle toes dance. Look at the guy fourth from the left. That is a comically poor-fitting suit.

You didn’t go to In N Out. That was closer than the Burger King.

Also, product placement much?

Colin:

That woman in the background is dressed like Rosa Klebb.

But she looks like the fucking Joker. Holy shit.

Wanna know how I got these scars?

A doctor in Beverly Hills, I already know.

I mean seriously. You want an American cheeseburger, and you live in Malibu. Get a real fucking cheeseburger.

Burger King? Fuck you.

Colin:

I forget that Burger King is a thing.

That’s the most Unforgivable part of this movie.

“You get me one of those?”

“There’s only one left, I need it.”

Colin:

On the left. Casey Affleck, fat Bill Goldberg and Tony Bennett.

That Tony Bennett guy actually looks like the guy who played the public attorney in My Cousin Vinny. The one with the stutter.

Also, Turtle is on the far right back there. And Macklemore is right behind Tony. And that guy right above Pepper’s head has a bit of a young Jon Stewart vibe.

Colin:

That’s great. He eats the whole burger on the way into the press conference. I like that vitality in a person. He’s not afraid to eat crap, drink to excess, sleep around or shoot off his mouth. Greatest superhero ever?

Weird that they just let him call this press conference.

Though Jeff Bridges is doing a great job drumming up the band.

Why are you smiling? He’s back in his element?

Colin:

Are these journalist extras, or did they let the producers get in on this?

What’s Jason Sudekis doing there?

“Miss Potts?”

Coulson.

Fun fact: he wasn’t even meant to be a part. The dude wasn’t even named. But they saw how great Clark Gregg was with everyone else, so they kept giving him more scenes. And now he’s got his own fucking show based around the character.

Colin:

Wait, he’s married to Jennifer Grey?

“I’m Agent Phil Coulson, with the Strategic Homeland Intervention Enforcement and Logistics Division.”

Colin:

Tanks on a Train? That would be a great movie for Samuel L. Jackson.

“That’s quite a mouthful.”

“I know. We’re working on it.”

Colin:

Okay, S.H.I.E.L.D. Setting up the universe before we know what it’s going to be. I sure wish they were left out of this and that like 8 out of the last 10 movies didn’t happen.

“You know, we’ve been approached already by the DOD, the FBI, the CIA –”

FBI always comes before CIA. Ever notice that?

Also… approached? Nice to be rich, when you get “approached” and not “forcibly dragged into a room.”

“We’re a separate division. With a more specific focus.”

Colin:

I hope it isn’t butt stuff.

That would be an ironic name.

“We need to debrief Mr. Stark about the circumstances of his escape.”

At least SOMEBODY does.

“I’ll put something on the books, shall I?”

That’s how that works? “We need to debrief him about top secret military shit.” “How about next Thursday? He’s gotta go bang Miss August on Wednesday, and he doesn’t like to do meetings before that.”

I hope he doesn’t say anything, and just looks around like that for three minutes.

“Hey, would it be all right if everyone sat down?”

You called this rodeo.

That guy on the right looks so inconvenienced.

Maybe he realized this isn’t a National Geographic shoot.

I wish more people got away with this.

Colin:

Hold on, did he not eat that other burger on the way in? Less respect, until I realize that he’s going to eat it in front of all of them, flaunting that flame-broiled goodness.

Hilary should do this.

I can’t believe this worked.

“What’s up with the love in?”

Colin:

“Love in?” He’s probably a Republican.

“Don’t look at me, I don’t know what he’s up to.”

Which is pretty dangerous, considering he’s talking to the media after being in captivity for three months and hasn’t once been approached by anyone from the government or checked for any serious mental instability or PTSD or prevented in any way from doing this.

Colin:

This is America. Rich people do whatever they want. They let Donald Trump run for president.

He also, as you said, has a giant glowing thing sticking out of his chest.

“Good to see you.”

“I never got to say goodbye to Dad.”

Car crashes tend to do that.

“I never got to say goodbye to my father.”

I feel this way after burgers too.

“There’s questions I would have asked him. I would have asked him questions about what this company did. If he was conflicted, if he ever had doubts. Or maybe he was every inch of the man we all remember from the newsreels.”

What’s with that smirk? What kind of man was he? Was he banging playmates all day? I want to see those newsreels. And not those piece of shit ones you showed me earlier.

Colin:

I think it was the “every inch of the man” comment. They used to call Howard Stark the Hogwarts Express cause he had about 9¾ if you know what I mean AYO

Fun fact about this screenshot: I took it three times, and every time when I started the movie again, I heard the screenshot noise go off, and I thought it fucked up and caught the play symbol in the upper right hand corner. And only after the third time did I realize the sound is in the movie. If you listen closely at this exact moment, you’ll hear that noise go off. And it really fucked my shit up for a good thirty seconds.

“I saw young Americans killed by the very weapons I created to defend them and protect them.”

Colin:

Forget the crazy technology and the superhero stuff – a Fortune 500 CEO expressing disappointment with his own industry is the single most outlandish part of this movie.

NICE shot.

Also, he knows where this is going.

“And I saw that I had become part of a system that has become comfortable with zero accountability.”

Colin:

Imagine this shit happening after Deepwater Horizon happened. Which, shit. This article is live as of April 21st, 2015, and Deepwater Horizon happened on the April 20th, 2010 (4/20, woo!), so this press conference would be happening five years ago TODAY. But there’s no way they say that shit. You get your company sued and your company sues you and everyone sues everyone else. ‘Sue’ is a funny word/name.

They’re casting that movie as we speak. I think they added Kurt Russell and somebody else just last week.

I used to be leery about movies about recent events, but Captain Phillips was the shit. And I thought that was gonna be awful.

Look at that one asshole in the front with a question.

And goddamn, is that lady on the left dark.

Colin:

LOOK AT THAT FACIAL HAIR ON THE GUY NEXT TO HER. Asian guy in the middle of the pack has spaced out.

Why did the cameramen sit down too?

Wait, you let him ask it?!

“What happened over there?”

The fucking GOVERNMENT is about to get scooped by the goddamn Post.

Colin:

I hate movie journalists. Nobody asks that question. What a moronic question that was.

“I had my eyes opened.”

You asshole. Make them sit down then get up to talk.

“I realized that I had more things to offer this world than just making things that blow up. And that is why, effective immediately, I am shutting down the weapons manufacturing division of Stark Enterprises.”

Colin:

He really should have known that this was a bad idea to do publicly. But I do want to start saying “effective immediately” more often.

Seriously, though. I know he’s being selfish and all, but also… that is for the good of the company. Don’t let him say that shit until you know he’s lucid.

“What we should take away from this is – Tony’s back!”

Really? Because he just said he’s shutting down the weapons division of his company. We should probably take that away from this as well.

Colin:

Jeff Bridges, the average white man, picking up the pieces.

Colin:

I don’t know why I love this image so much. There’s a great deal of sincerity to his perfidy.

It’s fun seeing how obvious, yet surprisingly realistic, this CGI is.

Because when you really look at this, none of this is real. Nothing in this frame is real whatsoever. And yet, looking at is as just an image… it’s not bad.

AWFUL product placement #2.

I mean, I get it, they had to finance a movie, and they had a lot riding on this one. But still… come on, man. Jeff Bridges on a Segway? What the fuck?

Colin:

Why are there so many military vehicles here? They don’t make Humvees or that stuff. This is their factory.

Is this how you liaise?

“Where is he?”

Where the fuck would he be?

Taking a tank out for a spin.

Colin:

Oh my god yes, I would love to do that. Ever since GoldenEye I’ve wanted to drive a tank around a town. Maybe before that, too. But Pierce made it look FUN.

“He’s inside.”

Seriously, where the fuck else would he be?

Colin:

Cigar + Segway = Douchebag

A HA HA, he’s gonna park the Segway.

Why we needed to see him swipe that card, I have no idea.

But I like his suit. So there’s that.

Colin:

I was just gonna say that. You can always tell a nice suit. That hangs so nicely.

I like how he asked where he was, yet you could clearly see him through the glass if you wanted to look.

That face.

“Well that went well.”

“Did I just paint a target on the back of my head?”

“Your head, what bout my head?”

Yeah, his head actually can have a target painted on it.

Colin:

Bridges has the head more suited for target painting, if we’re honest.

Also, target for whom?

“What do you think the over/under on the stock drop is gonna be tomorrow?”

“Optimistically? Forty points.”

“At minimum.”

“Tony, we’re a weapons manufacturer.”

“I don’t want a body count to be our only legacy.”

Colin:

I like how Bridges says ‘weapons man-a-facturer.’ It’s wrong, but I like it.

Nuc-u-lar.

“That’s what we do. We’re iron mongers. We make weapons.”

HINT HINT HINT.

“What we do keeps the world from falling into chaos.”

“Not based on what I saw. We’re not doing a good enough job. We can do better. We’re gonna do something else.”

Now’s a good time to point out, because this is a scene where it feels really obvious – they shot this movie without a finished script.

That is to say – they had the story down, and the action sequences and all of that… but they never really worked out the dialogue. So mostly they just ad-libbed what was said on the set. Which is why the movie feels as fresh as it does.

They even shot some scenes with two cameras just to capture all the lines that were improvised. Now, Downey, that’s his forte. He’ll just keep saying shit and do a lot of takes and come up with something good. Other people… like Gwyneth… not their forte.

And Bridges came out to be like, “There was no script! You’d think with all this money on the line they’d have their shit together, but no.” He’s one of those people who likes to know the lines cold. So it annoyed the shit out of him, and then he just adjusted to it. He was like, “Oh, so we’re making a $200 million student film, and just fucking around. Great.” It’s crazy to think Marvel just let Downey and Favreau do and say whatever the fuck they wanted with this.

Colin:

And yet…this movie. In a good way.

“Like what? You want us to make baby bottles?”

Colin:

“Babies are gay. We don’t do that stuff.” Is basically what his tone was then.

What’s with the amount of baby bottle references in this movie?

Or…arc reactors.

“The arc reactor? That’s a publicity stunt. Tony, come on, we built that to shut the hippies up.”

Funny for so many reasons.

Colin:

Haha. Screw hippies, amirite?

“It works.”

“Yeah, as a science project. The arc was never cost effective. We knew that.”

Colin:

I really like Jeff Bridges in this role. I never think of him as a bad guy, but he’s really solid here.

“Arc reactor technology. That’s a dead end.”

“Maybe.”

“Am I right? We haven’t had a breakthrough in that in, what, thirty years.”

“Could you have a lousier poker face? Just tell me, who told you?”

“Never mind who. Show me.”

“Rhodey or Pepper. It’s Rhodey or Pepper.”

“I wanna see it.”

“Okay, Rhodey.”

Was there really a choice there? Also, how would Pepper even know? You went from an airplane to a car to a press conference. Did you open up your shirt on the way over?

And why didn’t we see that scene? “Check out what I got in Afghanistan.” “Oh god, Tony, if you’re gonna show me chlamydia…”

That’s a pretty bad poker face.

This is what two people do when they’re about to get into some shit.

“It works.”

“Listen to me, Tony. We’re a team. You understand? There’s nothing we can’t do if we stick together. Like your father and I.”

Colin:

My favorite part about this is that Jeff Bridges also looks back and forth and then closes Tony’s shirt like he’d been looking at an underage girl’s chest.

That’s also one of the most bullshit platitudes.

“I’m sorry I didn’t give you a heads up. But if I had—”

“Tony, no more of this ready, fire, aim business.”

“That was Dad’s line.”

That’s also a good strategy.

Screenwalker.

That’s how shit gets done.

“You gotta let me handle this. We’re gonna take a lotta heat. You gotta promise me that you’re gonna lay low.”

What kind of heat are they gonna take? Everyone presumably hates your company. And now you say, “Hey, the reason you hate our company… we’re not gonna do that anymore.” Sounds like you’re only taking heat from other rich white people.

Colin:

Other than Patrick Stewart, bald people in action movies are not to be trusted.

Speaking of which…

JIM CRAMER! YES!

Colin:

What did I just say? Jim Cramer is such a whackjob.

We never see her in her own house.

I feel like this wouldn’t be on TV at 10 in the morning.

Colin:

Of COURSE Pepper watches MSNBC. I also appreciate what a douche comment that is on my part.

Colin:

You know who likes Jim Cramer? Dan. Also, look at that screen. It’s transcribing the conversation as they have it. So much for all those stenographers who took Indiana Jones’ class.

This is a great thing to start a conversation with. “How big are your hands?”

Colin:

Ahhhhhhh.

Why does that say 2:38? I thought it was 10 o’clock?

Or is that counting down how much time she has before it locks her out? That doesn’t make very much sense.

Also a great way to be met by someone.

“Oh, wow, they are small.”

Colin:

Little hands. Also probably cold.

Chris Martin:

Fucking tell me about it.

“God, is that the thing that’s keeping you alive?”

I’d like to have that said to me at least once. Preferably sooner, rather than later. For interest’s sake.

“It was. It is now an antique.”

It’s only been a day.

He’s upgrading.

Just a little speed bump. There’s an exposed wire there.

“What do you want me to do?”

“Put that over there. That is irrelevant.”

He can eat cereal out of his chest.

I remember that was somebody’s “talent” on Figure It Out. I feel like no one was able to figure it out, because what a stupid thing to be able to do. And the end of the show was the person demonstrating their ability to do this. As if that was something to be proud of. And all those people getting slimed, and for what?

She’s gotta reach in and lift the wire out.

How’d he get that metal tube inside his chest like that? I feel like that can pose a whole bunch of health problems.

“Is it safe?”

Good question, Sir Laurence.

“It’s fine. It’s like Operation. You just don’t let it touch the socket wall or it goes beep.”

“What do you mean, Operation?”

“It’s just a game, never mind.”

Colin:

They have someone writing the man-woman banter dialogue.

I feel like someone wrote more dialogue than this, and he just ran with whatever he wanted to.

I also like when geniuses can make simple analogies using popular culture to oversimplify what is going on. He says if she touches the socket wall it goes beep, but what really happens is he’ll die. That’s fun.

“You know, I don’t think that I’m qualified to do this.”

“No, you’re fine. You are the most capable, qualified, trustworthy person I’ve ever met. You can do great.”

He also pays you to do this.

Colin:

This is that sort of rom-com writing where one character is like two lines ahead of the other and the person who’s behind is totally not following along at all. Cause for whatever reason, that formula appeals to people, and I kind of get it. Maybe Mike can elaborate on what I’m talking about.

I’m not entirely sure I understand what you’re talking about. Maybe because I see this partly as him being a genius as well as a rom-com, and also because I’m not sure specifically what kind of “two lines ahead”/”not following along at all” set up you’re talking about. My brain hears that and thinks of about four different scenarios in which that can occur.

I’m thinking you mean the part later where he’s directing her on how to do this, and she’s just winging it and pulling at whatever wires are there. Which doesn’t seem so much of a rom com sort of convention as it does an action/comedy convention. Like something Archer would do. “Okay, you have to disable the lever here, and…” meanwhile he’s already busted the control panel with the butt of his gun. Though I get that here they play it more rom commy.

Colin:

No, I’m talking about when the man and woman are arguing about something or at least discussing something and talking over one another and then she stops like three lines later and goes back to question something he said like 10 seconds ago. The whole, “Blah blah blah bl– wait, WHAT?” The delayed reaction, and then he’s either in trouble, or trying to gloss over it.

I’m fine with it. Rom com dialogue can be hacky as shit, it just depends on who’s delivering it. Chemistry and the ability to pull off dialogue is what makes these scenes, not good writing.

Is this how you liaise?

“Oh, there’s pus!”

It’s not pus. It’s some kind of plasmic discharge. It’s from the device, not from him.

“It smells.”

“Yeah it does.”

Best delivery in the movie.

“The copper wire.”

She looks up at the fucking ceiling during this. Maybe look to see which one is the copper wire.

“You got it? Now don’t let it touch the—”

Colin:

You guys remember cumming for the first time? Lots of those moments in this movie, huh?

It’s always one thing. There are next to no tally hos in this movie.

So there’s an exposed wire, but she’s just yanking this thing out. What exactly is going on right now?

“Okay, now make sure that when you pull it out you don’t pull out the magnet–”

“At the end of it!”

“That was it.”

“Don’t put it back in.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, I’m just going into cardiac arrest because you yanked out –”

Colin:

“Oh, I’m just going into cardiac arrest cause you fucked up.” The sarcasm in his voice and that line were like Catholic and Jewish guilt adopted an Asian guilt baby.

Asian Guilt Baby

“I thought you said this was safe!”

That sounds like something I’d be yelled at for.

“Tony.”

“What?”

“It’s gonna be okay.”

“Is it?”

Colin:

Apparently women always want to discuss feelings when they should be doing important things. Not my words. Marvel.

“Let’s… hope.”

Big fan of witty banter while someone’s going into cardiac arrest.

So the magnet’s no longer there. Was that important? I’m confused as to this whole chest situation.

Maybe take your fucking watch off.

Also, did that magnet not fuck it up?

Colin:

Did he just jizz? I still don’t get how this sends him into cardiac arrest, by the way. His heart isn’t being RUN by this thing, is it? I thought it was supposed to be just keeping the shards out.