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Fun with Franchises: The Marvel Universe – Iron Man (2008), Part V — “The Chino Syndrome: Fueled by Hatred and Pajamas”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is Iron Man.

Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.

We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.

We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.

Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.

Right now, we’re doing the Marvel Universe, and today is the fifth and final part of Iron Man.

Iron Man - Title Card

We begin Part V with Gwyneth apparently thinking she can accomplish something.

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Think Audi gave them money for this?

Colin:

Other than the Audi product placement, the rest of the cars in this movie are all over the place. GM, Dodge, and now the agents are in Fords. This is how the world works, and I notice these things.

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“Section 16.”

FUCK YOU.

Colin:

That is really fuck you, though. I mean, you could just walk in.

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Of course. There it is.

(I should have saved the fuck you for now.)

Colin:

Fuck yous never run out. You’re still good.

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White people and technology.

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“My key’s not working. It’s not opening the door.”

This is her purpose in the movie. Seriously.

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“Oh, wow, what’s that, is that like a little device, like a thing that’s gonna pick the lock?”

Colin:

Hah. Women never expect explosives.

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“You might wanna take a few steps back.”

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And she just goes? Did they block this scene at all?

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Colin:

That guy in the back is awfully close. And wincing a lot. He must be new.

Also — SHIELD shield.

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At least he heard it and realized what was going on. This is all around a lesser version of what Tony did earlier in the movie, down to the explosion. So that’s a nice juxtaposition.

But in terms of knowing what’s in store, these people don’t have a… CLU.

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Colin:

They built that in like a week, by the way. I can’t even finish the notes and the articles for this movie in a week. They built that.

Yeah, but you’re busy. He’s being fueled by hatred and pajamas.

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I believe the correct response is, “So this thing cost me $150 million plane?”

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“That’s the coolest thing I’ve ever seen.”

Colin:

The part where he officially comes out to his friend as an Iron Man.

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Colin:

Not too sentimental about that car, huh? It’s trashed. But most rich people buy their cars perfect and keep them perfect. Not a great formula for truly caring.

That’ the tagline for Marvel: Not a great formula for truly caring.

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“You need me to do anything else?”

Nope. We’ll get Cheadle to do it instead.

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Colin:

“Call New Hunan, I’m gonna need the orange chicken, beef lo mein, two quarts of pork fried rice, oh, and get me some motherfuckin’ 40s.”

They delivery.

Also, why hasn’t Iron Man prank called somebody from inside that suit yet?

Or at the absolute very least, I would like to see him ordering takeout from the suit while also on his way home talking and/or arguing with Gwyneth. It’s those scenes that make these movies for me, not the action stuff.

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“Keep the skies clear.”

Is that how he liaises?

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That’s the great thing about California. You don’t have to fix your roof immediately.

Colin:

I heard someone talking recently about how it never rains there. Did I mention I just took a 40 minute shower?

Never rains. You’ll get like, twice a year, change of season rain. Where it’ll rain for like three days straight, and then afterward it’ll be noticeably cooler or warmer overall. Otherwise, you can barely remember when it rains. I know because I never wash my car. So I’m always hoping it rains so I don’t have to. It’s always nice when it surprise rains, and I’m like, “YES! Another two months on the car.” Usually we only get shitty rain, where it’ll drizzle for like twenty minutes, and it wouldn’t be enough rain to do anything, and only serve to make my car look worse than before.

I really only judge rain in California by how much it cleans my car. Because it’s barely real rain. We got real rain like two weeks ago. I went right the fuck outside in it. Because I miss real rain. Rain is the best. Colin and I very much have that in common. We prefer rainy, shitty, overcast weather to nice, hot summer weather. Fuck the summer. If it wasn’t for the fact that it never gets balls ass hot in LA (and that you never really have to consider the weather as part of your routine), it would suck.

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So your purpose in this movie is done.

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“Next time, baby.”

Not for you.

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How many of these Audis does he have?

Colin:

That would be tempting, but I’m good with the R8. You shitting me? You know he got here in his Dodge, but he’s taking the Audi out. Hells yeah. I would. And he’s got this R8, which is the same from before, and the S5 that Pepper was in a few minutes ago. Oh, and he’s going to catch a Q7 on the highway in a little bit.

He’s also the fourth lead in this movie. Which is amusing.

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“Looks like you were right. He was building a suit.”

Why does this sound like men begrudgingly admitting a woman was right?

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“I thought it would be bigger.”

Of course you did.

Colin:

You think THAT’S the suit? I’m sorry, but this is a world-class weapons facility and those are shitty welds. That’s like finding some crayon drawing in Da Vinci’s studio.

I wonder what 15th century Chinese food menus looked like.

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SHIELD agents look like 50s FBI tools.

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Colin:

I don’t even know what it was hooked up to or why. The power comes from the chest piece. But that is a good image, cause something’s supposed to go there.

Yeah, but Tony was hooked up to shit too. Sequencing and what not.

Also, Japan.

Colin:

Wouldn’t it have been better if they hadn’t shown the entire thing until now? Just show Bridges putting in the chest piece, and maybe just the eyes or something. Then the “I thought it would be bigger” gag goes over better when he comes in all huge.

They should have also played that gag with the piece from Vanity Fair.

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TALLY HO!

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What’s with all the water reflecting on the walls? Is that the arc reactor?

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Wow. Somehow you haven’t figured that shit out yet.

And apparently can’t hear the big fucking metal suit moving around stealthily.

Colin:

This is like that Resident Evil shit, where you’re going through a stage and you come across blueprints or some readout of the monster you’re about to encounter. And it’s always like, “Hm, I wonder what that shit wa—OH FUCK SHOOT IT”

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Good job, Joseph Gordon-Levitt meets James Woods.

Colin:

He is REALLY good at this game.

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Colin:

I like how in some factory and workshop settings there are just chains hanging down from the ceiling. And how you know there was someone on this crew who was responsible for chain hanging.

It looks like we’re about to have a Last Dragon battle.

Remember when late 80s, early 90s fight scenes took place in warehouses? Man, those were the days.

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Just like Suspiria.

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Colin:

Nice work, chain hanger.

Maybe this is where he practices his dirty dancing.

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Colin:

Doo doo splosion. Is this not some Resident Evil shit? I guess it isn’t a bioweapon, but still.

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Do I call her out for outrunning this giant suit? Probably not.

I am, however, amused at the other suit looking over at the giant suit like, “The fuck?”

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Makes me wonder why she even accompanied them.

SHIELD never really has any plans, do they?

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This will be repeated in the Avengers. And maybe even in the next movie.

Colin:

Yeah, it’s in the next movie for sure.

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He figured out repulsors too?

Also, this shot, very horror/Terminator.

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Boy, you guys sure like having Tony Stark fall from the sky.

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Mark 1 chest piece. 48% power.

Colin:

Ah, so he’s down on power and still has to fight this massive bad guy. That’s decent plotting, I’ll give them that.

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Maybe get in the car and drive AWAY. Maybe.

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See this shot? Pepper’s not saying anything, is she? Not even making a gesture like she’s speaking into a phone, is she? Here’s the dialogue from this moment:

“Pepper!”

“TONY! TONY ARE YOU OKAY?!!”

Thanks, ADR!

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“Obadiah, he’s gone insane.”

Now he hasn’t. He’s just trying to not get arrested.

Also, total cop out with the earpiece. That shit was so clearly ADR before.

Colin:

Asian Dominatrix Retro?

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GET IN THE FUCKING TANK!

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Obadiah used Dig!

But Pepper is Oblivious!

Obadiah used Dig! It’s Super Effective!

Colin:

They comin’ out the ground now. If it was just the head it might look like a big ass metal Diglett.

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The Iron Giant really let himself go.

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“Where do you think you’re going?”

A Looney Tunes character would have a good answer for this.

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She wasn’t going anywhere, actually. She was standing outside, talking to Tony. I truly don’t think she had any idea where she was going.

Colin:

Gwyneth is hilarious. She just did a thing to raise awareness for families living on food stamps, so she went to the store and spent $29, which is what they have for a week of food. Her purchase was almost entirely green and included 7 limes. She lives in a strange little world inside her head.

I thought that was hilarious too. She’s a very strange person. Last year, she came out and was like, “Women should steam their vaginas.” And she wrote about how healthy it is. And then some doctor came out and was like, “No. That’s a horrible idea. That’s a very bad thing to do to your vaginas.”

Also, she has a magazine called Goop. What the fuck is that?

Anyway, Iron Man.

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“Your services are no longer required.”

Colin:

Why wouldn’t you just squish her? It’s no less barbaric than shooting her with a fucking MINIGUN.

The plot.

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He’s got a Jarvis in here too?

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Colin:

I don’t think that counts as a tally ho…?

Gwyneth, or…?

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Colin:

Roxxan? Do THEY have to put on the red light?

Those days are over.

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Yeah, fuck you and your Mazda!

(I have no idea what kind of car that is.)

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Oh, an Audi. Big fucking surprise.

Colin:

Of course this one car that figures into the action is an Audi.

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“Collateral damage, Tony.”

So they built microphones into these things? They can broadcast?

Colin:

I wonder if they could auto-tune. Cause that would be SICK. If he was talking and it sounded like T Pain.

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Damn, bitch, why you have so many kids?

Colin:

Probably a playdate.

At 9 o’clock? They all look like hers.

Colin:

I’d also like to say, if you’re a mom who drives an Audi Q7, I don’t think we have ONE thing to talk about.

“So… you married? … is it a happy marriage?”

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I like using people to hit other people with.

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Can’t you see this coming? Drop the car on him.

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I want to shoot people with my chest glow.

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Is that physically possible, even with the suit?

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19% power.

All of us with smart phones know all about this.

Colin:

Mike was late to the smart phone game. Had that baller slider. Slide phones are the shit.

I hate that I even have a smart phone now. I originally had an old flip phone in like, 2001. And then in like, 2005, I got a brick Nokia phone, which was the shit. I loved that phone. And eventually around college, I upgraded to the slide phone. Didn’t care about iPhones, didn’t need them. I ended up finally getting one… I wanna say… Christmas 2012. And only because it was free. They practically begged me to get one. I’ve had two different iPhones now and have paid a total of $1 for both of them. Still don’t want it. But now I have to have it for work.

I used to be the best at T9 texting, too.

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Damn it, woman, he’s trying to help you.

Colin:

This is what Q7-driving moms do. 

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He has fingernails?

Colin:

I think his whole body is just one big fingernail at this point.

Eww.

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Colin:

Hey, that’s nice ground clearance on that Aud– hey WAIT A MINUTE, WAS THIS PRODUCT PLACEMENT?

Just gotta shove that Au-dick in our ass a little bit more.

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Nice. Howard Stark has a memorial park next to a freeway where I’m sure people die in auto-related deaths.

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Colin:

Oh, it wan’t Roxxan, it was Roxxon. And I’m seeing here that it’s the Marvel universe’s oil company. I like that they put that in knowing almost nobody would catch it. The truck and the building.

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This is how the Monstars scored all their points.

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Yeah, steal that Faggio.

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Colin:

He just got hit in the face with a motorcycle.

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Colin:

Pow, right in the Ford Taurus.

Is it me or does that bus look like it has Spider-Man font?

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Of course we show the people running away. God forbid there are casualties.

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He also just got punted into a bus.

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This is just a good old fashioned ass whoopin’.

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Colin:

Hydrogen powered buses are dumb. 

If that bus is hydrogen powered, and they’re smashing into it, shouldn’t it be exploding at some point?

I haven’t done chemistry since high school, but hydrogen does explode, I do remember that much. Also, bombs.

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More of people getting thrown through things.

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Where did that come out of?

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Colin:

And a shoulder missile. I like this suit. It’s older and bigger. Sorta like how Bridges wears the scarf with the tux but Downey Jr. wouldn’t pull it off as well.

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There’s the explosion.

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Where are we? Presumably this is the 5 or the 405, right? That means his factory is somewhere in Santa Monica or down toward the airport?

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This looks like fun.

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He’s flying toward the camera like that door in the Matrix lobby.

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It’s funny how this explosion is one of the biggest setpieces in the movie.

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Ta da!

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“Impressive! You’ve upgraded your armor. I’ve made some upgrades of my own.”

Colin:

How does he know the armor has been upgraded? This is the first time he’s met him. If he means between the Mark I and the Mark II, then…fucking duh.

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♫ Fat guy with some rocket shoes… ♫

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“Oh, I’m comin’, bitch. I’m a-comin’.”

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Colin:

We already saw that it can fly, it used the rockets to jump and punch him.

All the different cuts to him flying make it look like he’s so big he’s only going like two feet off the ground. Like cutting all around a fat guy running, and then you pull back to reveal he’s only gone like, four feet.

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“Sir, it appears that his suit can fly.”

I like when people say obvious things.

Except when they’re annoying. (See: Jarvis vs. Willie Scott.)

“Duly noted. Take me to maximum altitude.”

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“Sir, with 15% power the odds of reaching that altitude are—”

“I know the math, do it!”

Does he, because…

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Seriously, her only purpose in this movie.

Colin:

Stop looking up, children.

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He’s letting off Cape Canaveral type smoke there.

(Note: I don’t know if I’ve ever said this, but it amuses me, but I’ll say it anyway. I’ve noticed, especially in these past two franchises, that when I go back to riff on the articles, even after having written all my comments months earlier, whenever I see screenshots, I go to make a comment, and then scroll down to write it, only to find that I’ve already said it. It’s happened at least five times in this film already. I just went to add, “Man, that’s a lot of emissions on that suit there, Obadiah.” And then saw I already wrote the Cape Canaveral thing. Which I like, that my brain will eventually make the joke.)

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Oh, good, you assholes are back.

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Colin:

Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa, that’s James Earl Jones’ shot. You don’t just steal a shot from Hunt for Red October and pretend we won’t know.

Some things don’t react well to… black people?

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“Not necessary people, just a training exercise.”

Yeah… you can be thrown in Guantanamo for that.

Why would you listen to him? He could be a Red.

Colin:

Also, why would he trust Tony all of a sudden? His whole thing has been how war is for the military to fight, and now he’s entrusting the safety of however many thousands of civilians in that area to Tony, without jumping it at all. Questionable.

Is this how you liaise?

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Looks.

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Really helping that smog problem there.

Also, I’ve been in LA for just about four years now… still no idea what smog is. Don’t know what it is, what it does… at this point, you say smog, I think Grimer before I think anything else.

Colin:

Things have gotten better since the 70s. Since they took care of the Weezing Gang.

Oh yeah. Never thought about that. I’ve been to Lancaster Weezing Memorial Park so many times.

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Jarvis says 13% power. The helmet says 12. Who do we listen to?

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Right?

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Looks a bit like General Grievous, doesn’t he?

(Note: Was about to write that again for the previous shot.)

Colin:

Evil people have harsh features. Pointy cheekbones. I think they both look like Jafar. Which…how many villains and bad guys throughout history do you think have been indirectly influenced by Conrad Veidt? Probably a lot, which is cool.

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What if Iron Man had eyebrows?

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7%? Where’d that last 4% go?

“Leave it on the screen. Stop telling me!”

Really? You told him to keep you updated a minute ago.

Also, “Never tell me the odds!”

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Does no one notice this?

I mean, yes, they do, based on the ending, but did Terrence Howard hanging up that phone stop all potential air problems for this fight?

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Why are you following him? Shouldn’t you be aware that he’s using some sort of lesser power source? Why not just wait for him to fall or come down? You have the complete upper hand here. How are they gonna arrest you in that anyway?

Villains fall victim to bloodlust far too much.

Colin:

I think it’s also the idea that his suit is just better, so why not? And who knows, maybe Tony goes up there and flies somewhere else. I’m following him for different reasons. I like to keep things close in case they get away.

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“Great idea, Tony, but my suit is more advanced in every way.”

Really? How so? What kind of scientists you got working that are smarter than Tony Stark?

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“How’d you solve the icing problem?”

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How’d you not notice the icing problem until now?

Colin:

Ice ice baby.

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“Might want to look into it.”

How can he look into it… if he’s DEAD?!

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So… if his suit is more advanced in every way… shouldn’t that thing start up no problem half the way down? You know, like Tony’s did? On a lesser power source?

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Waxing gibbous!

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Also… he probably lands in somebody’s yard.

Colin:

I guess, depending on how heavily armored that thing is…he’ll reach terminal velocity and hit the ground, and as long as that’s okay, he’s cool. And with flaps, his terminal velocity is probably less than 100 mph. As long as he can withstand that, no problem. I’d design that into the suit first.

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Emergency backup power.

Which is, what? His heart?

Colin:

Firefighters trust Duracell.

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Colin:

You fucked up in public.

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“Potts.”

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“Tony!”

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That actually makes sense. He should be alive.

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WHAM!

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I like our hero mostly getting his ass kicked and winning in the end due to intelligence and craftin… wait, this is Indiana Jones all over again!

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Falcon PUNCH!

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Iron Buttsex!

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Iron Karma Sutra!

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Colin:

I need someone to give me a bear hug like that and crack my back up nice. I got hit by a car like 11 years ago and I still haven’t really stopped cracking all the time. And all you people telling me the answer is yoga…I hope you choke on whatever smoothie you made with kale this morning in your juicer.

I bet I could link to an article on Goop about this exact scenario right now.

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You may have blinded the basilisk, but it can still hear you.

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You can hotbox the shit out of that suit.

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Pepper has to overload the reactor and blast the roof.

God, I forgot how shitty this ending is.

Actually, come to think of it, this movie loses steam after he becomes Iron Man. He’s much better when he’s an asshole.

Colin:

So she’s gonna blow something up, which is clearly the climax. We’re talking about overloading stuff and clearing the roof. They really set you up for this stuff, huh?

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Yeah, that’s the look of a capable person.

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Marco!

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That’s a lot of glass.

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Crazy how many reactors just have kill switches built in.

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HA HA. Bitch be trippin’.

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Anyone wearing a bluetooth in an action sequence should be killed.

Colin:

I was just about to say. Bluetooth people…what?

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Shouldn’t you be buying time by hiding? It’s not like he’s gonna notice you’re overloading the reactor. I thought you were gonna get clear of the roof.

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Like the color distortion.

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Colin:

Weak point located? I don’t like that level of analysis. That’s for him to decide. He sees some wires, rips them out.

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Aren’t you on auxiliary power?

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Just like Simon de Bolivar.

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What if an entire movie were done just inside that headset?

Like Doom. Why haven’t they truly attempted a POV Doom movie yet?

Colin:

There’s a porno version. I assume.

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Yeah, that seems like a smart thing to build over a reactor.

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Crazy how easy this thing is to operate.

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Colin:

There it is. That Hulk cum green.

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Technically they beat Avatar to this.

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“I never had a taste for this sort of thing.”

Metal?

Also, the only reason this is happening is so we can see him die.

Colin:

Not a bad way to get the suits open and for us to see some fucking faces before the fight’s done. I appreciate that. I want to see the faces we came to see and hear the voices we came to hear. It lends a vulnerability to them, too.

Iron Man - 1737

Iron Man - 1738

“You finally outdid yourself, Tony. Made your father proud.”

You said that like he has daddy issues. You’re the only one pushing the father angle.

Iron Man - 1739

Iron Man - 1740

Iron Man - 1741

Iron Man - 1742

No way that glass hasn’t broken. Remember, this thing went through his fucking DRIVEWAY an hour ago.

Iron Man - 1743

Iron Man - 1744

That seems dangerous.

Iron Man - 1745

Iron Man - 1746

Iron Man - 1747

Iron Man - 1748

Iron Man - 1749

Iron Man - 1750

Iron Man - 1751

Glass falling is great.

Iron Man - 1752

Iron Man - 1753

Iron Man - 1754

Yeah, she’d probably have gotten Suspiria’d there.

Colin:

It’s great how there are like 12 different things that COULD mean, given the context. What a movie.

Iron Man - 1755

My shitting pose.

Iron Man - 1756

Iron Man - 1757

Iron Man - 1758

Why not just shoot him in the face?

Are you getting extra points for shooting all the glass?

Colin:

He has no targeting. He’s trying to hit him.

Iron Man - 1759

Iron Man - 1760

This looks like the usual shitty Marvel effects.

Iron Man - 1761

Colin:

More children, looking up.

Iron Man - 1762

This looks cool. I hope they built this. They probably didn’t, but it looks cool nonetheless.

“How ironic, Tony. Trying to rid the world of weapons, you gave it its best one ever.”

Iron Man - 1763

“And now I’m gonna kill you with it.”

Short, sweet. To the point.

Colin:

At this point, how does Jeff Bridges expect to get away with this, let alone sell this technology to the US government?

Iron Man - 1764

“Time to hit the button!”

Iron Man - 1765

This face.

Iron Man - 1766

“You told me not to!”

REALLY?! WHAT DID HE JUST TELL YOU TO DO?!

Colin:

Well, now I’m telling you to do that thing I said not to do. You know how orders are superseded by new orders?

Iron Man - 1767

“You ripped out my targeting system… hold still you little prick.”

The second half of that line made the first one acceptable.

Colin:

It’s always fun when people have to shoot without computers. We’ll always have that nostalgia for the old ways of doing things by hand. Mark my words, when your grandkid stumbles out of the orgasmatron, you’ll be lecturing him about those old days when you used to Power Stroke it. I mean, choke Deagol. You know what I mean.

Iron Man - 1768

Iron Man - 1769

All right, he ripped out your targeting system, but you can’t be THAT bad, can you?

Colin:

He’s using the suit for the first time, and it’s a minigun. Miniguns can be a handful.

Iron Man - 1770

“OPTIMUS!!!!”

Iron Man - 1771

“OPTIMUS!!!!”

Iron Man - 1772

Iron Man - 1773

Iron Man - 1774

Iron Man - 1775

He says, “Just do it!” She says, “You’ll die!” Meanwhile, he’s about to be shot in the face with a rocket.

Women… amirite?

Colin:

“You’ll die!” Shut your face hole.

Iron Man - 1776

“OPTIMUS!!!!”

Weird that they keep saying that.

Colin:

He has power. He can just drop down and use his thrusters to not mess up the reactor and get out of the way simultaneously.

And fly her out of there because the glass on the doors is already gone.

Iron Man - 1777

Iron Man - 1778

If I’ve learned anything, it’s that I can take down any nuclear power plant in minutes by myself if I ever need to.

Colin:

The Chino Syndrome?

Iron Man - 1779

Hey, you guys remember Amazing Spider-Man 2?

Iron Man - 1780

Yeah, okay.

Iron Man - 1781

Iron Man - 1782

Yup, she’s dead.

Iron Man - 1783

Colin:

That looks like when Pikachu got overcharged and zapped Brock’s Onix. Which still doesn’t work, but anime don’t follow rules.

Iron Man - 1784

Iron Man - 1785

Iron Man - 1786

Iron Man - 1787

And he’s dead.

And probably a bunch of janitors and custodial staff as well.

Iron Man - 1788

Iron Man - 1789

Iron Man - 1790

You guys remember cumming for the first time?

Iron Man - 1791

Wow… that’s… actually how he goes out in Tron.

Iron Man - 1792

Iron Man - 1793

Iron Man - 1794

Wow, they really like beams of light going up into space, don’t they?

Iron Man - 1795

Colin:

….the Ark of the Covenant? No, wait, Minas Morgul?

Iron Man - 1796

Iron Man - 1797

Notice… traffic is still moving on that highway.

Iron Man - 1798

Iron Man - 1799

Iron Man - 1800

He’s not dead.

Iron Man - 1801

Iron Man - 1802

Iron Man - 1803

Iron Man - 1804

Iron Man - 1805

Iron Man - 1806

Iron Man - 1807

Iron Man - 1808

Iron Man - 1809

Iron Man - 1810

Okay, now maybe he’s dead.

Colin:

He just got Palpatined into the core.

Iron Man - 1811

Iron Man - 1812

Iron Man - 1813

Iron Man - 1814

Iron Man - 1815

Still don’t get how he lived.

Iron Man - 1816

How’s Pepper not dead either?

Colin:

That’s a pretty small explosion for a reactor, no?

Iron Man - 1817

The Dark Knight - 65

Iron Man - 1818

Iron Man - 1819

Colin:

And I guess he doesn’t just die, like he was supposed to?

Iron Man - 1820

Iron Man - 1821

Iron Man - 1822

Iron Man - 1823

I thought that thing was preventing the shrapnel from moving closer to his heart, not actually keeping him alive.

Colin:

Also, this little core looks spent. The new one just got incinerated in that blast, so I guess we’re to believe that this one either came back online fully or he makes another one in a race for his life like OVERNIGHT?

Iron Man - 1824

Colin:

Another training exercise? Seriously, this is the only guy who does press conferences for the entire US military.

This is liaising, though, right?

Iron Man - 1825

“Iron Man, that’s kind of catchy. It’s got a nice ring to it. I mean, it’s not technically accurate. You see, it’s a gold titanium alloy. But, it’s kind of evocative imagery.”

Colin:

I do like that the newspaper gave him the name. Leave writing to the writers.

Iron Man - 1826

“Here’s your alibi.”

Iron Man - 1827

“You were on your yacht. We have four papers that put you in Avalon all night, and sworn statements from 50 of your guests.”

Why 50? It would be more realistic if it was 33.

Colin:

So they bought off 50 people? That’s 50 loose ends right there. Unless those people are all agents or whatever. But that doesn’t make sense. And it becomes a question of who they’re trying to convince. As long as Samuel L. Jackson can call off the courts and investigators, it’s cool either way.

Iron Man - 1828

“See, I was thinking we should just say it was Pepper and me.”

Banging.

Iron Man - 1829

Iron Man - 1830

Iron Man - 1831

“Just read it word for word.”

“There’s nothing about Stane here.”

(He said, glancing at the cards as he flipped through them with barely enough time to even process the words.)

“That’s being handled. He’s on vacation. Small aircrafts have such a poor safety record.”

Iron Man - 1832

“What about the whole cover story – it’s a bodyguard? He’s my bodyguard? I mean, that’s kinda flimsy, don’t you think?”

That was the original cover story in the comics.

“This isn’t my first rodeo, Mr. Stark. Just stick to the official statement and soon this will all be behind you.”

Colin:

Yeah, you know this is a lame story and that he has to tell the truth right here.

Also, I’m like 99 percent sure that the plane in the picture next to them is a Maxim Gorky photoshopped into a US parade photo. The Maxim Gorky was a Soviet plane from the 1930s. Look it up, it was seriously cool, with its own radio station and movie theater. And I don’t know why I can’t find any confirmation of this online. I can’t be the first person to notice this. Even if it isn’t that plane, you should still look up that plane. I’ve been fascinated by it since I was tiny.

Iron Man - 1833

“Oh, Agent Coulson, I just wanted to say thank you.”

For allowing this scene to continue so we can get the nerd payoff.

Iron Man - 1834

“That’s what we do. You’ll be hearing from us.”

“From the Strategic Homeland…”

“Just call us S.H.I.E.L.D.”

Colin:

So we meet S.H.I.E.L.D. and from this moment on, we’ll wish we hadn’t.

Iron Man - 1835

Yup. That face.

Colin:

I don’t think that’s an American plane, but it’s definitely in that American picture. Weird.

Iron Man - 1836

“You know, it’s not that bad. Even I don’t think I’m Iron Man.”

Iron Man - 1837

“You’re not Iron Man.”

“I am so.”

Iron Man - 1838

“You know, if I were Iron Man, I’d have this girlfriend who knew my true identity. She’d be a wreck. She’d be always worrying that I was gonna die, yet so proud of the man I’d become. She’d be wildly conflicted, which would only make her more crazy about me. Tell me you don’t think about that night.”

Colin:

How nice, that they’re making light of the comic book conventions going on here.

I like that, in a way, he says he’s Iron Man purely out of spite.

Iron Man - 1839

“What night?”

Iron Man - 1840

“You know?”

Iron Man - 1841

The night he fucked you in the ass in the alley behind the all-night Denny’s in Koreatown?

Iron Man - 1842

“Are you talking about the night that we danced, and went up on the roof, and then you went downstairs to get me a drink and left me there by myself? Is that the night you’re talking about?”

Iron Man - 1843

Iron Man - 1844

“Thought so.”

Colin:

Ooops. Sometimes, she’s just this side of Aniston, and at other times, she gives our hero shit for being an asshole. Which is necessary.

Iron Man - 1845

“And now that my meaningless rambling is out of the way…”

Iron Man - 1846

He’s prepared a statement and will not be taking any questions.

Yup. Sounds exactly like Tony.

Colin:

And there’s Heigl in the front row. Cause Vanity Fair rates a front-row seat at this event.

She bangs the right people, apparently.

Iron Man - 1847

“Uhh… it’s been a while I’ve been in front of you. I think I’ll stick to the cards this time.”

You know…. Fair enough. Good save.

Iron Man - 1848

“There’s been speculation that I was involved in the events that occurred on the freeway and the rooftop…”

Iron Man - 1849

“Do you honestly expect us to believe that that was a bodyguard in a suit that conveniently appeared despite the fact that…”

Colin:

Heigl just happens to be in the front row (I attend press conferences regularly, and Vanity Fair isn’t getting front row unless they show up really early) in a revealing outfit that’s a different color from everyone else’s. Look again at the image of the whole presser. She’s the only one in a lighter color.

Iron Man - 1850

“I know that it’s confusing.”

GREAT FACE.

“It is one thing to question the official story and another thing entirely to make wild accusations, or insinuate that I’m a superhero.”

Iron Man - 1851

“I never said that you were a superhero.”

Colin:

That’s the same Asian guy who was spacing out at the last press conference.

He’s just wondering if he’s gonna make another Birdman.

Iron Man - 1852

“You didn’t?”

Iron Man - 1853

“Well good, because that would be outlandish, and uhh… fantastic.”

Iron Man - 1854

Colin:

They fucked.

Iron Man - 1855

“I’m just not the hero type. Clearly.”

Iron Man - 1856

“With this laundry list of character defects, all the mistakes I’ve made. In public.”

Iron Man - 1857

Iron Man - 1858

Iron Man - 1859

Iron Man - 1860

“The truth is…”

Iron Man - 1861

Iron Man - 1862

Iron Man - 1863

Colin:

“The truth is…you need to get yourself checked out.”

Iron Man - 1864

“I am Iron Man.”

Colin:

He wants to be the hero, which is why he’s such a good hero. I hate Superman, with all his emotional bullshit and his emo lair or solitude. I think we all know that the single greatest superpower is being rich. Tony Stark, Bruce Wayne, done.

Iron Man - 1865

Iron Man - 1866

All the extras were told this was a dream sequence so that way it wasn’t spoiled for audiences.

She’s so disappointed. She could still be hitting that.

Iron Man - 1867

BAM.

Hell of an ending. I think we all stood up and applauded that one.

Colin:

Not a bad way to go out. And that’s why the rest of these movies fail where this one succeeded. I’ll always have my little complaints, but this is the only one I’ve seen so far that really got me into it.

Iron Man - 1868

Iron Man - 1869

Iron Man - 1870

Oh, but wait… we ain’t done. This shit is Marvel.

Colin:

Are we doing the post-credits bit, too? I’m gonna watch the credits and find out who the chain hanger was, cause that guy or gal was on point.

Iron Man - 1871

“I am Iron Man.”

Colin:

Jarvis is all mickey-slipped.

Iron Man - 1872

“You think you’re the only superhero in the world?”

Colin:

Samuel L. Jackson! I’m thrilled it’s him, but only in that naïve way you were thrilled when you saw Mace Windu. Even watching the movies, you can enjoy him and his character, but it’s hard to be happy about Samuel being a part of this franchise the same way it kinda sucks he was such a big character in the Star Wars prequels. I love him, I don’t love the movies he was a part of.

Iron Man - 1873

“Mr. Stark, you’ve become part of a bigger universe. You just don’t know it yet.”

Colin:

As if anyone hadn’t already gotten who he was by the voice. If you don’t recognize that voice, you should give up now.

And this line, right there, is what ruined all future movies this studio would make.

Colin:

A bigger universe. It’s not that Stark doesn’t know. It’s that we didn’t know. And I’m not thrilled about it.

Iron Man - 1874

“Who the hell are you?”

Iron Man - 1875

“Nick Fury. Director of S.H.I.E.L.D.”

Iron Man - 1876

“Oh.”

Iron Man - 1877

“I’m here to talk to you about the Avenger Initiative.”

Colin:

The Avenger Initiative. Great. So we can all wet our pants when that movie comes along.

Still gotta get more milk bottles full of urine.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow we go over our favorite images from the film.

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

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