Fun with Franchises: The Marvel Universe – The Incredible Hulk (2008), Part II — “It Hulkened One Night”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is The Incredible Hulk.

Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.

We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.

We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.

Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.

Right now, we’re doing the Marvel Universe, and today is the second part of The Incredible Hulk.

We begin Part II back at the fav-and-dime.

Colin:

“Hey, so is this movie gonna keep sucking?” 

“A girlfriend? She helps him, maybe.”

Like what, with his dick?

“She is no longer a factor. They closed that door to him a long time ago. He’s alone.”

Colin:

She’s the general’s daughter, right? Everyone’s related to someone in these things. Comic book writers are limited.

“Doesn’t anyone want to talk about what went down in there, because that was – he didn’t lose us. And he was not alone, sir. We had him, and then something hit us. Something — something big hit us. It threw a forklift truck like it was a softball!”

Colin:

“Does anybody wanna talk about what went down?” No, we don’t. Americans don’t talk about our feelings, Nancy.

“It was the most powerful thing I’ve ever seen.”

Colin:

There’s no reason for him to be saying it was the most powerful thing he’d ever seen. This implies he’s some sort of big game hunter who frequently classifies things in terms of power. And I don’t see a scouter on his face.

“Well it’s gone.”

“Well if Banner knows what it is, I’m gonna track him down, I’m gonna put my foot on his throat and –”

“That was Banner.”

“It was Banner.”

That’s a proper reaction.

He even says, “You have to explain,” which is exactly what my reaction is to this movie right now. “You know you have to explain how this shit happened, right?”

“No I don’t.”

Wow. This is the most accurate representation of my relationship with a movie in this series.

Colin:

Mike Does Metaphors

I love how they’re just leaving. Because, fuck, he got away once, now we’ll never find him.

Colin:

Kay, I guess that’s the movie? Let’s blow out of here. Shouldn’t these guys be somewhere more desert-y?

How about walking around going, “Hey, have you seen the great big green giant guy running around?” or “Hey guys, can you check satellite to see what areas of the forest have had bunches of trees ripped out in the last ten minutes?”

Colin:

But seriously, these guys should all be in the desert fighting a real war, no?

Apparently Stark is doing it for them.

Actually though, I’d rather have shots of the favelas and that Brazilian chick than I would that entire action sequence we just saw.

Is this the Misty Mountains? Why are we seeing this?

This is where they honeymooned in Twilight, right?

Colin:

One of those times when either Mike or I get ready to make a comment, scroll down a bit, and it’s already there. I was about to say, “Stupid Twilight.”

How about a deer asshole, for old time’s sake?

(This is my, “Play it again, Sam.”)

Colin:

“Oh, I can’t remember it, Mr. Mike. I’m a little rusty on it.”

“I’ll hum it for you.”

*Mike humming deer asshole*

Are we counting the current day? Or did he actually pass out for 24 hours?

Colin:

I love NyQuil.

That was a fun day, when you almost didn’t make it back to your room when the nyquil hit.

We’ve all been there.

Colin:

I love how this character is basically a drunk. No other superhero wakes up naked somewhere with no memory of what happened the night before.

Well…

South America has such weird cars.

Colin:

I’d be impressed if it was like, Pasadena.

Well…

Jesus, with these camera movements. I understand that without them, we have zero good looking shots in this movie, but my god, to do it for the sake of doing it – that’s not filmmaking.

Colin:

Are there movies that do no moving shots? I feel like if I was gonna make movies, I’d start by teaching myself through limitation. And make my whole first movie in black and white with no camera movement at all.

Which is why so many senior theses look the way they do.

What if home was the titty bar?

Tim Roth looks about five feet tall.

“This is a whole new level of weird.”

“If you’re taking another crack at him, I want in.”

Why would you be out? You were hired for this express purpose.

“And, with respect, you should be looking for a team that’s ready to fight, because if that thing shows up again, you’re gonna have a lot of professional tough guys pissing in their pants. Sir.”

The pause before the sir conveys such disrespect.

Colin:

We should tally these speeches. “I’m a professional. I keep coming in every day cause that’s what the job calls for. What the fuck is going on?”

Colin:

This is the kid who escaped from the Temple of Doom and is coming back to the favela to give Indiana Jones the cloth to get him there. But seriously, the shot is exactly the same.

They’re dressed like people at Disneyland.

STOP WITH THESE FUCKING SHOTS ALREADY.

Colin:

Did he just walk to Mexico? He should just Hulk again and hope he wakes up somewhere more middle class.

Was there not a pair of pants along the way?

And now the sad hulk walking away music.

Now I guess it’s sad homeless music.

Motherfucker, that was your college fund.

Colin:

This did remind me of one of my favorite moments from Kurosawa’s Stray Dog. Which, if you haven’t seen it, watch it. Toshiro Mifune is a rookie homicide detective in early postwar Tokyo, and his pistol is stolen while he’s on the bus. And in those days, a pistol was a big deal, so he has to find the thief, or it’s his ass. So the whole movie is him tracking down the guy by following the trail of the crimes that are committed with the gun, and all the while, he’s sinking into the shit and becoming this rough customer.

At one point, he’s staking out this neighborhood and passes out just like Norton is here, and a cop shows up, thinking he’s a homeless beggar or whatever. And Mifune stands up and shows him his detective’s ID, and it’s this perfect demonstration of how far he’s fallen in the pursuit of this gun. “Oh, you’re a cop too? Right, carry on, I guess.” Great movie, and put Mifune on the map.

Oh, good, now he can afford those anal beads.

Are those pants purple? Because they should be purple.

That’s a little offensive.

Colin:

His anaconda don’t.

He wants stretchy pants. Because clearly that’s the only hazard with them when he Hulks out.

Ah, now grey. The other hulk color.

A HA HA. “Perfect!” he said, as he bought a pair of pants. Cut to him, sleeping at a train station.

Liv and let die.

Explain to me two things:

• Where is he going? Just gonna walk into the U.S. from Guatemala?
• What the fuck is with these shots? Seriously.

We’re just seeing things just to see them, aren’t we?

He’s about to share some classified information with him.

In World War II, they created a super soldier program.

(Which we will see in Captain America.)

He started it up again, naturally.

Colin:

They clumsily set up the backstory, which ends up alluding to Captain America in the process, and then move right onto establishing themselves as bad guys. “Now that we’ve discussed the particulars of our target, how would you like to be an modern day Mr. Hyde, but more evil?

That look. That “I’m gonna be the villain” look.

Problem is – he’s not an unlikable person right now. This is gonna be one of those “villain by circumstance” situations. Where it’s gonna make him crazy and he’s just a guy trying to do his job.

Banner was working on it. Had no idea what was really going on. Tross just decided… not to tell him. Which I’m sure is great. To have someone work for you and not know what they’re doing. Especially when it’s… you know… nuclear physics.

He tested it on himself, naturally. Which is so much better, hearing it from him and not seeing it. I mean… why would seeing it be entertaining? Right, Marvel?

Colin:

I’d also like to stop for a second to point out the shots. Where this is being done. They had to do this in this dimly-lit hangar, which is inexplicably green, with a helicopter. So we have military stuff, and GREEN. Cause…I dunno, Hulk? They really tried to go full comic book with this one, and it doesn’t work.

It would be worse if it weren’t green. At least I can see colors and pretend like I’m interested. If this looked like a regular movie, I’d have checked out more by now.

“And something went very wrong.”

Understatement of the century.

“Or it went very right.”

Is there any other way it could have gone?

“As far as I’m concerned, that man’s entire body is property of the U.S. Army.”

Good line.

But yeah… Banner ran. Because he’s “a scientist. He is not one of us.”

Gooble Gobble.

He’s 39.

I guess that’s the point of the character. He’s getting older and is using the super soldier shit to be able to still compete.

He should be a colonel. But no. He’s a fighter.

“If I could take what I know now and put it into the body I had ten years ago… that would be someone I wouldn’t want to fight.”

“I could probably arrange something like that.”

Can you arrange a better movie?

That face.

I hate these aerial shots. Just show a shot of the grounds. You don’t need to be in a fucking chopper.

Just in case we weren’t sure where he was.

Colin:

How’d he get to Virginia? How’d he cross the border? I want to see THAT. Whatever that was about.

Colin:

By they way – scraggly looking white dude with a baseball cap? Mass shooter.

Beautiful old universities shouldn’t be allowed to put up new posters.

Etch them in stone if you need to put them up. It’s disgusting, seeing those posters there.

It took him 17 days to walk there?

Why does an old school like that have metal detectors?

I distrust any school that has metal detectors. Especially colleges.

You didn’t really attend college if you didn’t risk being killed in a shooting.

Or on your way home from seeing The Forbidden Kingdom.

Colin:

Okay, that was a very unique incident. In which I acted freakishly calm, and Shiho made himself look huge[r than normal] and we somehow got away with not being jumped.

What? Does gamma poisoning prevent you from going through metal detectors?

Colin:

When you got that glow…

Colin:

Tell me that doesn’t look like 50 Cent if he never succeeded at rap and was a security guard at 45.

That’s exactly what he looks like.

These articles are good for making everyone good at this game.

Oh. Edward Norton hates black people. That’s what it is.

American Hulkstory X.

Is anyone really paying attention to him?

Also, we’re 34 minutes into this movie? Has there been a turning point yet? Has anything happened where we went, “Oh, there’s our inciting incident”? Because I’m pretty sure the only inciting incident was Tim Roth going, “I want some of that purple stuff.”

Nothing on the Banner front for character arc.

Great job, guys. Way to tell a coherent story.

What’s with the Bigfoot shot?

And why would you roll up your sleeves if you can Hulk out at any time?

Lotta mailboxes on this campus? Anyone else notice that?

There aren’t enough obstacles for him keeping calm. He should almost be hit by random cars, or have to stand in line at the DMV or something.

Only one Asian. I question the hiring practices of this department. What kind of country club shit is this?

Also, Scott Peterson. Didn’t he kill his wife? What’s he doing teaching structural bio?

Also, Murray Steeles. He sounds like the kinda guy who did porn in the 70s.

Wow, he’s really interested in Dr. Lester Richards.

Colin:

Her name is Elizabeth Ross? Like, Betsy Ross? I’ll never let her Liv that down.

Or maybe it’s Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman down there.

Colin:

Also, is Dr. Quinn a medicine woman?

Is Lester Richards a producer? I just assume that every random name you see in a movie is some producer.

STOP WITH THESE FUCKING SHOTS.

Is he just gonna stroll up to her like nothing happened?

Is that Murray Steeles?

I bet he’s hung like a traitorous Minuteman.

Weren’t you just on some steps? How about some spatial relations?

Is that what professors do? Just sit on benches?

Colin:

She’s a professor. I don’t doubt her as an attractive person, but I do doubt her as a young person. Like Emma Stone being hired right out of high school to do science at Oscorp. Come on. You don’t go from Bunsen burners to molecular bioengineering after senior prom.

What kind of fucking phone is that?

“Hey dad, what’s up?”

“Oh nothing, just doing illegal government stuff jk lol smiley face”

A HA HA HA. I can’t even say, “Really?!” because I just broke out laughing.

This is fucking ridiculous.

That face.

She’s banging someone. As they always are when you go missing for months.

Colin:

Her vajeen’s around someone else’s neck now.

How about you play the sad Hulk music now?

People always hold hands at the most opportune moments.

Colin:

“How’s your day? I’m wearing a vest.”

This lighting makes it look like something out of Dick Tracy.

How fucking complicated is this shot?

They panned down to show you that it’s a pizza parlor, and yet we SEE someone taking a pizza out. This is the kind of shit I’m talking about with this movie. How little respect do you have for your audience?

Colin:

I want pizza. I shall have pizza.

Oh, I get it. This was supposed to be Stan Lee.

Colin:

Wouldn’t it be great if it was randomly the pizzeria from Do the Right Thing? And that Mister Señor Love Daddy was just Nick Fury’s first gig before he gave up DJing and joined S.H.I.E.L.D.? Tell me that wouldn’t blow your mind as a random tie-in?

Colin:

Isn’t it funny how once in a blue moon there’s someone you don’t hate? And it takes a second look for you to go, oh wait, maybe not fuck you.

Naturally he never believed Norton did any of those things. As the people you go to first when you come home always do.

Colin:

Wait, is THIS dad? No, right? Is he just the friendly restaurateur, and this place is just the Arnold’s to their Joanie and Chachi?

And Betty is seeing someone. A “head shrink.” “One of the best.” Which clearly served a purpose. And of course they had to add that he’s also a nice guy. Because of course they did.

That’s how these movies work. If he’s a dick, then we have to see it, and there has to be a rivalry. If he’s a nice guy, then we can ignore him and assume he’ll just be pushed aside for our hero.

Colin:

And, even though he’s being pushed aside, he has to take the SIDE of our hero against the bad guys.

And there’s magically a spare room upstairs he can stay in. That was convenient.

And he has a job, too.

Kind of an awkward way to carry pizzas.

Colin:

HOW do you always get these amazing faces?

Someone’s gotta do it.

Ah, Lou!

Lou’ll let you through.

Green recognize green.

Colin:

Lou. He looks well.

Bribe him with the pizza.

Colin:

Oh, Lou. I’m not that kind of girl.

“You are the man.”

“My pleasure, brother.”

Why won’t you show Lou Ferrigno eating pizza? That would have been the highlight of the movie for me.

He’s so fucking suspicious looking.

These flashbacks are meaningless.

Do all pizza guys have PTSD?

They have Dells too?

Colin:

Who’s this schmuck? Do they know each other? Didn’t he work here? Have we met this guy yet? I don’t recognize him. Did he just trade pizza for access to their computer network, or does he think Norton’s just checking his Myspace? I’m sure there’s an Ed Norton anti-virus joke to be made, but I think we can skip it. I hate myself enough already.

REALLY?

He just knew the password was gonna be his name?

I made that joke already.

This brings me back to the days of actually having to worry about those things.

Colin:

Wait, no. They’re running Norton 360 on the screen right now. I take it back, I don’t hate myself. I hate them.

Man, searching computers in movies is easy as shit.

Colin:

I hate how in commercials and in movies the cursor always moves at a constant speed and so deliberately. They never let the person just do it quickly, cause there might be old people watching who need to follow along what everyone’s clicking.

“What? That’s not how this works.”

Colin:

This is the moment where we cut to the child from Attack of the Clones telling Yoda that the records have been erased from the archive memory, and somehow that’s a fucking revelation.

Why has no one referred to him by his first name yet?

Maybe not put a star where the rest of your name is. Maybe that’ll get you some hits.

Sure.

Oh god.

Colin:

Yeah, cause everyone has your weird ass chat software. AIM Deep Net or whatever.

Colin:

This person just answers immediately like an asshole. One of those assholes whose Second Life is their only life.

Colin:

“Meh meh meh, I’m Trudy Beekman close to a cure, but without the data I guess I can’t help! MEH!”

Or you could find out where he is and bring you.

This looks like a Chinatown whorehouse.

Colin:

This looks like where they shot Deer Hunter.

“What am I doing in this movie?”

Colin:

I heard jingling and then you turned the lights off. Chinese movie rules say you’re about to be kidnapped. If it were Japan, there wouldn’t have been a jingling cause ninja aren’t that amateur.

Aww… look who wants pizza.

Colin:

She wants food. Hah. Women.

Colin:

He used to say, ‘live and let Liv.’

Of course he shows up right now.

He looks fun.

That face.

Colin:

That’s the I-just-saw-a-chupacabra face.

That does not look like the back of a pizzeria.

Colin:

I can’t see a wet alley now without thinking of Matt Damon stabbing someone.

Have you guys seen We Bought a Zoo?

“Bruce.”

She busted out the Eowyn voice.

Colin:

Arwen? Admittedly, I can see how you could mix up that universe’s three females.

We also just called her “Liv Tyler” throughout that entire franchise, too. Which doesn’t help.

This is the most ridiculous shot in the movie.

Totally unearned.

“What the fuck, old man?”

“Don’t make me withhold the meds.”

Actually, what she says is, “Just tell me, if I saw what I think I saw?”

“My dildo funhouse? Yes. You did.”

The dialogue here?

“I don’t know what to say.”

“Please, just tell me the truth.”

Ugh.

Colin:

“Maybe you did, maybe you didn’t. But you let slip that I got roaches, and I’ll have the Board of Health and Safety up my ass. Oh, what were you talking about?”

And there it is.

Colin:

This movie is a lot of hitchhiking. Does he have a special thumb or something?

It Hulkened One Night.

He’s either gonna get run over or get fucked.

Also, please don’t set up for a kissing scene in the rain. That’s disgusting if you do that.

Colin:

That’s happening. I think we all know that’s happening.

White shirt.

Colin:

Was the white t-shirt thing on purpose? Is she supposed to just look terrified and confused and shocked and stuff? Can she be less breathy?

It’s Liv Tyler. She cannot be less breathy.

Colin:

Her ears look…normal.

This casting director chose… poorly.

“I want you to come with me now. Please, come with me.”

Sure forgot about the boyfriend right quick.

Colin:

Did her new boyfriend get some pasta out of all this?

Colin:

I want to watch Birdman again. That has Ed Norton and a super hero. And is better.

That’s probably what he’s thinking, too.

Colin:

Oh, whose VW Golf is this? I like that.

Didn’t Cast Away sort of end like this?

Unrequited love in a garage with a car and rain?

Colin:

Why was he down there? Oh. It’s funny, cause she was expecting to eat out tonight, but he ended up doing it for her.

And she just kept all the data (data ex machina) in that little thing.

Colin:

She has the data he needs, naturally. Hop back online and send that shit to the Second Life dude NOW. I’m all about base covering. If you ever find me in a situation where my life is on the line and stuff needs doing, you won’t find me talking to Liv Tyler, trying to explain stuff.

I’ll be getting shit done, or at the very least, making it so that people will know what happened when I got killed. I’ll be uploading files and hiding shit in safe-deposit boxes and dropping padded envelopes in the mail and all that shit you do when people are trying to close in on you.

“I hoped somewhere that it might tell us something someday.”

That’s gotta be a contender for one of the worst lines of dialogue of all time.

What’s with Liv Tyler putting her vagina on necklaces?

“Does the General know that you have this?”

Being real vague about names and relations, aren’t you?

“No. I don’t think so. I haven’t spoken to him in a couple of years.”

She thinks they should just go and talk to him. Because he’s reasonable.

But he wants to dissect what Norton has and weaponize it.

Colin:

NO! You’re KIDDING! The comic book general wants to use a breakthrough for weapons technology? This is seriously groundbreaking stuff.

Like this.

Colin:

I don’t know why, but cold stuff under plastic makes me think of The X-Files. Remember how creepy that show was? That scared the absolute bejesus out of me when I was a kid.

Colin:

That tag had the name Dr. Reinstein on it. Ever wonder what religion people are?

Colin:

The evil general has to do everything himself, cause he can’t just order some corporal to do it. Why do these movies have to be so over-the-top lazy?

Colin:

Good tong game, though. I’ll give him that.

“Hi.”

“Hi.”

Where’d he get that shirt?

Colin:

Their screen chemistry is a lot like the chemistry in the story. Explosively unpredictable? No. Fake. And he’s good. I like him. But THEY? No.

“I thought you might wanna – ”

Yuh huh.

“I should leave early. As early as I can.”

“You can’t stay at all?”

Bitch, your father wants to KILL HIM.

Also, if you haven’t spoken to him in a few years, what are you doing working and living like twenty minutes from where he operates?

Colin:

Be less breathy. Like, really. You have a PhD, I’m sure you can manage a more substantial voice.

But Norton needs to borrow some money. He’s gotta take a bus.

“Well, at least let me walk you to the station?”

What?

Drive him there, idiot.

Walk him there. Are you a fucking ass?

They’re not gonna bang.

Feel those titties.

Colin:

This is the part where she rubs herself and wants green dick. And he’s like, “….eh.”

Vagina round the neck.

Colin:

“NO, but I NEED the green dick!” “That crack in the ceiling is gonna grow and grow until it starts to leak. I wonder what Pedro from Guatemala’s doing right now.”

Colin:

Even his sheets are green. I really, really, really don’t like this movie.

This is disgusting.

Colin:

“How am I supposed to LIVE without green dick?” “I hope someone’s taking care of my dog. Whatever, I’m sleepy.”

But also…

He’s getting a very low dose.

And apparently they’re going to do it in the dark. Because how could anything go wrong when you can’t see?

Colin:

Tim Roth’s ready to get dosed. Is it gonna be crack? I really hope it’s not just crack.

“First sign of any side effect, we stop and you’re off team until you straighten out.”

Is that Murray Steeles?

Yeah… stick that shit in. Stick it in real deep like.

Colin:

The first two shots looked bad. Anything you get injected via squirt gun is probably bad. My dad was drafted during Vietnam and apparently had to get a shit ton of shots at once, and they had a big gun of like 10 shots that they gave you all at once. That’s not cool at all.

I’d look like that too if I heard the snapping sound he just did.

Colin:

not gonna say what I thought that looked like first-time anal oops

You guys remember cumming for the first time?

Anyway, that’s the end of Part II.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow is Part III, and a big ass action sequence that apparently the public just does not notice.

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