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Fun with Franchises: The Marvel Universe – The Incredible Hulk (2008), Part V — “Even Hulk Understands Squalay”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is The Incredible Hulk.

Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.

We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.

We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.

Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.

Right now, we’re doing the Marvel Universe, and today is the fifth and final part of The Incredible Hulk.

The Incredible Hulk - Title Card

We begin Part V as the Abomination is tearing shit up.

I was gonna say with the Abomination, but technically that’s all parts of this movie.

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Colin:

So it’s a dimly-lit scene where we can’t see what’s going on and most of it is blurry anyway.

That is true, we really don’t have any idea what’s going on for most of this.

I feel like either they were trying to hide what he looked like until the actual fighting, or they were so ashamed at how bad the CGI looked they just cut around him as much as possible.

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This looks like a soundstage in London. What part of New York is this? Why do those steps go up like, a foot? This is clearly fake. And I want to like this more.

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Colin:

I’m not even watching at this point. The big thing jumped out and hurt some people and did some things. Next plot thing?

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“General, I’m a black guy with one line.”

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“The Hulk is in the streets.”

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That face.

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Colin:

Helicopters turning around over a lit city at night. Totally Michael Mann.

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Colin:

“We’re turning around. They’re taking us back to Germany.”

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Nazi Germany did look a lot like this, too.

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Colin:

Look at this. I give up.

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Colin:

“Go! Go! Go!” [Black guy yelling something three times?] Check.

My favorite is the audio video store. I love seeing those around New York and on Hollywood Boulevard. Because it’s always shit that stopped being made after 1997, and clearly only there for foreigners who are still using Walkmen and CD players.

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For Middle America — no, this is not what Harlem looks like all the time.

I’m not even gonna backhand that with a joke. Don’t be racist.

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Colin:

Hah. A British monster is trashing Harlem.

Kind of like Live and Let Die!

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Hey look, it’s Michael K. Williams.

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And that’s all he does.

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“One of yours?”

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Colin:

“Uh…oops?” She’s totally taking back his World’s Best Dad mug.

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I guess that’s why it doesn’t matter that they cast Tim Roth in this.

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Somehow this is actually less ridiculous than what the original comics character look like.

That one looked like you gave the evil Gremlin steroids.

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Notice how I didn’t put any dialogue in that scene.

Trust me — wasn’t necessary.

You can read it with faces.

“Oh shit, that’s Blonsky.”

“You did this?”

“Oh.. fuck… yeah, kinda.”

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Men of Steel.

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You guys take a fuck long time to clear out.

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Also, what’s Abomination’s end game here? He seems lucid, from what we’ll see later. So what’s he getting out of this?

Just.. fuck Harlem?

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I’m pretending he’s saying a really elaborate, “WHYYYY?!”

Or maybe one of these.

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“You think a rifle’s gonna hurt that?”

You know why I love that line? It saved me from having to write the same thing.

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So get a rocket launcher.

Because those are just laying around.

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“Sweet.”

FUCK YOU. You’re in the military. You shouldn’t be surprised at this.

Colin:

The black guy got a fancy gun and got excited. Let’s borrow some more from Men in Black.

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“Boo ya.”

DOUBLE FUCK YOU.

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YEAH RIGHT.

Not that he caught it, that he somehow knew it was coming.

He should take a bit out of it and spit it out. Because why the fuck not at this point?

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How are those storefronts still okay?

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What’s great about all of this? Tim Roth got paid to be the villain, yet he’s not even working for these scenes.

Colin:

You know, I think his teeth are actually better as a hulk.

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Now what I don’t get – does Blonsky not know what’s going on? Is he Blonsky anymore? Because I thought his only concern was Hulk.

Colin:

I don’t exactly get his plan here. Just wreck up the place like Charles Foster Kane? Doesn’t this stuff wear off once he gets subdued?

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Colin:

At what point in his soldiering career did he do this? Wasn’t he trying to be a super soldier? Run faster, be stronger, but still be able to shoot a gun better than most? Like, gee, I dunno, Captain America? I can’t understand his obsessions with being larger and more powerful, because that’s not what soldiering is about.

And also because bad writing.

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Do not care about any of this.

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He’d make a good Monstar.

Colin:

I could touch a magic basketball too.

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Fuck you, cab.

Colin:

But this makes me think of J2: Juggment Day, which I would rather be watching than this.

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“Give me a real fight!”

He’s more eloquent than the Hulk. How come he’s an Abomination, then?

Colin:

So he’s still totally in there. He’s talking and everything. I really have no connection to any of the characters in this film. I think this movie is way lower on my list than I expected. Oh, but Thor and shit. Hm. It’s a race to the bottom.

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You know what’s gotta be done.

“It has to be me.”

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“What are you saying? You think you can control it?”

Weren’t you the one who said he could before?

Logic is a funny thing.

“I don’t know about control it. But maybe aim it.”

Colin:

They’re talking about “it” like it’s a butt baby.

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“And what if you can’t?”

Then who gives a fuck? You’re already fucked as it is.

Colin:

They’re like, “Eh, it’s Harlem. If it was Greenwich Village, I’d have reservations, but…”

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“We made this thing. All of us. Please.”

Colin:

Still sounds like a butt baby.

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“Land us near it.”

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“No. Keep us high.”

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Colin:

This sucks. I like him, but the script is terrible. What was Penn doing?

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“What are you doing? Think about this. You don’t even know if you’ll change.”

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This scene plays much better knowing what Norton’s original version of the script was.

For those who don’t know – The script was written years earlier by Zak Penn. And then when it went into production with Norton, he rewrote the whole thing. And added a bunch of character stuff. Mainly, the opening scene of the movie is him, in the Arctic, trying to kill himself. Because he can’t live with the condition anymore. And the studio said, “Fuck that, that means he won’t be Hulk until almost 30 minutes in.” So they took it out. And because of that, there’s no drama in this scene whatsoever. Whereas the idea that he might not change and might die actually held some weight earlier, since that was okay with him.

So this is really the first instance of Marvel fucking over their own movies for profit rather than being good movies.

The first of many.

Colin:

Iron Man wasn’t really Iron Man til like an hour in. Couldn’t they have just had him messing up a polar bear or something?

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“Oh, I fucked up.”

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Why are all these people still on the street?

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Colin:

That would have been a good moment if we didn’t know he was about to get right up in time for the final fight.

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Colin:

Why did he lose his hair? 

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This is professional wrestling.

Colin:

Fewer chemicals involved.

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Colin:

Do all of the Marvel movies have to start with a showdown of hero vs hero upgrade?

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Jesus, how fucking long does it take for you people to clear out?

Also, I’d totally hang around and watch this shit from a distance. How could you not?

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Colin:

Is there really a 7-11 right next to the Apollo?

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Colin:

Just because it’s an overhead shot of a neon sign, this will probably make the shots list.

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Go home, Hulk, you are drunk.

Colin:

I’m still confused. I don’t know if he takes damage. I thought Hulk was like the Keith Richards of superheroes.

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Just realized what Abomination looks like to me – Apocalypse from X-Men mixed with the Goombas from Super Mario Bros.

Colin:

I love that goomba is also a slur for Italians. They just threw that in there. “Mario! Princess Peach has been taken to a castle in the Limey Kingdom!” But all that aside, what’s up with Japan? Did you guys know that goombas are mushroom/owl hybrids?

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Right?

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“Come on!”

He said. In that Jeff Bridges Iron Monger voice.

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NYPD. Means he will knock your punk-ass down.

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Fuck the po-lice indeed.

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Running of the bulls.

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Does he just need two pieces of things?

Colin:

I like the cop car pompoms.

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Oh, I see. Boxing gloves. Cute.

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SERIOUSLY HOW ARE YOU PEOPLE NOT GONE BY NOW?!!

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Hulk is beating the living shit out of him.

Probably dead shit too.

Or, I guess… The Liv-ing shit.

Colin:

He’s got stick-y out-y bones. Break those.

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This is how Do the Right Thing ended too, right?

Colin:

Fighting the powers that be?

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Oh please, like you even had teeth to spit out.

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That looks like where they built Gerald Field.

Colin:

My cousins and I watched that episode when it was new, got inspired and went to clear out a lot. Turns out that most lots are off-limits to children and can’t be mowed.

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Shoot that motherfucker.

“Which one?”

“Help the green one, damn it.”

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Your aim is awful. There are people in that building.

Colin:

Nobody told him to lead monsters more than terrorists.

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Colin:

Is that blood? I thought they couldn’t be shot? Hulk took minigun rounds like nothing. Is he being shot through?

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Colin:

He DEFINITELY is. Hey guys, it’s called a gun, and it turns out he’s weak to it. If you’re not impervious to bullets, that really makes the whole scene less tense. Shit, Transformers 2 used a rail gun. Which is now part of the US arsenal, and is awesome.

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“Ross!”

REALLY?!

How do you have a fucking vocabulary?

And why has no one called him Thunderbolt at all in this movie?

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You can’t aim for shit. And you have no conception of the phrase collateral damage.

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And again, why the fuck does the Abomination have a better vocabulary than the fucking Hulk?!!!

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Tuesday.

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Tally ho!

Colin:

There are really no good shots in this movie.

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Do they put that in the budget? Hulk-related damages?

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This movie is pretty much an… Abomination.

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You really need to learn how to shoot.

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Five point palm exploding heart technique?

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Colin:

Kidney punches while hanging from a helicopter is something I don’t think I’ve seen. Look at me, trying to find the bright side.

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Fix-It Felix?

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They’re still allowing traffic to go throughout all of this, by the way.

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If I’m making a disaster movie, or any movie where mass destruction takes place in a major city – my one rule is going to be “no landmarks.” Because people seem to take glee in destroying monuments and stuff. But honestly, I’d want to preserve those things. Destroy the other shit.

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Oh look, barrel rule. If they exist, they can explode.

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Colin:

That helicopter crash went surprisingly well!

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What? Did Hulk just not want to fight for a minute?

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Colin:

Too soon? Maybe too soon.

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Colin:

If there’s anything I like about Hulk, it’s that he’s annoyed at persistence.

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Naturally.

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Colin:

Oh, this is about to go Mad Max. Which body part do we think she’ll have to cut?

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“You don’t deserve this power.”

Colin:

I hope Hulk actually can talk this whole time and is just doing a Vinnie Jones Gone in 60 Seconds thing.

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Colin:

Can anyone see what the hell is going on? No? So it’s not just me?

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Hulk clap!

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Which looks like it should have killed them quicker.

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Not even gonna guess how that worked.

Colin:

He gave her the clap and put out the fire.

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“OPTIMUS!!!”

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Colin:

I’m not into getting hit in the face. I’m also not into this movie.

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“Any last words?”

Colin:

“I can’t believe people are paying to watch this.”

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“Hulk smash!”

Colin:

Oh, he did speak. And actually, “Hulk smash” is not inconceivable as a Vinnie Jones line.

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Colin:

What is all this BDSM stuff?

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Colin:

Liv Tyler is super good at being pale in scenes.

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So this battle ends with a shiv.

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“STOP!”

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Aww man, he was just about to nut.

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Colin:

That yell popped every hymen within a nuclear blast radius.

The Incredible Hulk - 1840

The Incredible Hulk - 1841

I’d be the one guy in that group who just went, “What the fuck was that?”

The Incredible Hulk - 1842

The Incredible Hulk - 1843

The Incredible Hulk - 1844

The Incredible Hulk - 1845

The Incredible Hulk - 1846

So what do you do with that now? Pretty sure you can’t incinerate it.

He’s still alive, by the way.

The Incredible Hulk - 1847

The Incredible Hulk - 1848

Colin:

What’s with the floating head? I can’t see a body on this gu– oh, is he wearing camouflage? 

The Incredible Hulk - 1849

The Incredible Hulk - 1850

The Incredible Hulk - 1851

Is this where they start slow dancing and Angela Lansbury sings?

The Incredible Hulk - 1852

The Incredible Hulk - 1853

Remember when Ben Affleck ate animal crackers out of your cooch?

Oh, is this a bad time?

The Incredible Hulk - 1854

The Incredible Hulk - 1855

Wipe yourself off. You’re bleeding.

Colin:

That should have snapped her neck. That’d have been a triumph.

The Incredible Hulk - 1856

“Betty.”

Colin:

Wow, was that line originally written for Radio?

The Incredible Hulk - 1857

The Incredible Hulk - 1858

The Incredible Hulk - 1859

The Incredible Hulk - 1860

The Incredible Hulk - 1861

The Incredible Hulk - 1862

The Incredible Hulk - 1863

Even Hulk understands squalay.

The Incredible Hulk - 1864

The Incredible Hulk - 1865

The Incredible Hulk - 1866

The Incredible Hulk - 1867

The Incredible Hulk - 1868

Who starts the slow clap?

The Incredible Hulk - 1869

The Incredible Hulk - 1870

The Incredible Hulk - 1871

The Incredible Hulk - 1872

You know that helicopter can easily track you, right? You’re not exactly subtle in an urban landscape.

The Incredible Hulk - 1873

The Incredible Hulk - 1874

The Incredible Hulk - 1875

The Incredible Hulk - 1876

So how does he de-Hulk, by the way? Heart rate goes up, and he’s Hulk. But does it go down? Does it just wear off? Does he just pass out and that’s how it works? Does Hulk sleep? I’m so confused.

Colin:

Looks like that’s what happened earlier. He slept, woke up scrawny. 

The Incredible Hulk - 1877

Colin:

I’m bored. Can we get a taco yet?

The Incredible Hulk - 1878

The Incredible Hulk - 1879

The Incredible Hulk - 1880

What are all these New Yorkers thinking right now?

The Incredible Hulk - 1881

The Incredible Hulk - 1882

The Incredible Hulk - 1883

The Incredible Hulk - 1884

The Incredible Hulk - 1885

The Incredible Hulk - 1886

That’s not really a satisfactory place to end. That helicopter was right on him. He couldn’t have gotten away.

The Incredible Hulk - 1887

Colin:

What city was this all taking place in again? I had forgotten.

The Incredible Hulk - 1888

CLEARLY GREEN SCREENED.

The Incredible Hulk - 1889

Really?

The Incredible Hulk - 1890

This was so clearly added later. For whatever reason.

Colin:

That was a pointless scene. Most of these scenes have been pointless.

The Incredible Hulk - 1891

The Incredible Hulk - 1892

I was almost gonna say, “Is he in Jersey?” Because that would only make the gamma poisoning stronger.

Colin:

He’s in Canada! How does Hulk do on ice? I bet there is Hulk on Ice. Fucking Disney.

The Incredible Hulk - 1893

The Incredible Hulk - 1894

The Incredible Hulk - 1895

The Incredible Hulk - 1896

Colin:

This looks like The Ballad of Little Jo.

Where’s the Chinaman on opium? Remember that guy?

The Incredible Hulk - 1897

The Incredible Hulk - 1898

YEAH RIGHT.

Colin:

Why David B? Why not something totally different?

The Incredible Hulk - 1899

The Incredible Hulk - 1900

The Incredible Hulk - 1901

Double yeah right. Like that shit would get through the mail unstolen. Especially without a return address.

The Incredible Hulk - 1902

The Incredible Hulk - 1903

The Incredible Hulk - 1904

Colin:

We’re back to the zen shit. Every one of these movies is an up-and-back that preserves the status quo and brings us back to where we started. It might as well be a sitcom.

The Incredible Hulk - 1905

This is how I jerk off.

The Incredible Hulk - 1906

The Incredible Hulk - 1907

The Incredible Hulk - 1908

The Incredible Hulk - 1909

The Incredible Hulk - 1910

The Incredible Hulk - 1911

Sure.

Colin:

So what, he can control it now? Why would he be doing that? He’s gonna wreck up the place and Canada isn’t made of cabins for wrecking.

The Incredible Hulk - 1912

And now for the end credits scene.

The Incredible Hulk - 1913

Which they put before the credits to capitalize on Iron Man’s success.

The Incredible Hulk - 1914

He’s drinking an Incredible Hulk.

Colin:

Drinking the green juice. Not that I respected the guy to begin with, but if that’s a midori sour, I’m well past even accepting him as a placeholder. I don’t judge you by the color of your skin, but the color of your drink is relevant. Green drinks are no good. And brown liquor is the only kind of brown Hollywood usually likes.

The Incredible Hulk - 1915

“Reload.”

Colin:

I hate when scripts make a character’s dialogue match their station. That’s low-grade video game crap. The pirate saying he has to ‘swap the decks’ when it’s shower time, or a sick hotrodder telling the doctor he’s having ‘engine trouble.’ Talk like people, you moron. It’s not ‘reload,’ it’s ‘refill.’

The Incredible Hulk - 1916

The Incredible Hulk - 1917

“Reload.”

The Incredible Hulk - 1918

The Incredible Hulk - 1919

The Incredible Hulk - 1920

Colin:

Why is there another dick in camo?

The Incredible Hulk - 1921

The Incredible Hulk - 1922

The Incredible Hulk - 1923

“The smell of stale beer and defeat.”

 Colin:

Robert Downey Jr. shows up, cause of course our universe needs to take shape here.

The Incredible Hulk - 1924

“You know, I hate to say I told you so, General, but that super soldier program was put on ice for a reason.”

The Incredible Hulk - 1925

“I’ve always felt that hardware was much more reliable.”

The Incredible Hulk - 1926

“Stark.”

“General.”

“You always wear such nice suits.”

The Incredible Hulk - 1927

“Touche. I hear you have an unusual problem.”

The Incredible Hulk - 1928

Reaction shots are the key to comedy.

“You should talk.”

 Colin:

There’s banter, but he’s drunk on green booze, so I don’t care.

The Incredible Hulk - 1929

“You should listen. What if I told you we were putting a team together?”

Cool. Except Ross isn’t on the team, is he? Hulk is a problem, you just said. So putting a team together should mean nothing to Ross.

Colin:

Yeah, no idea why they’d be talking to Ross unless they need information or are telling him to lay off the hunt. Which…he doesn’t seem to be hunting, and they’re able to take whatever information they want.

The Incredible Hulk - 1930

“Who’s ‘we’?”

 Colin:

“Who’s we?” Uh, you said earlier that you were working for S.H.I.E.L.D. What gives?

The Incredible Hulk - 1931

The Incredible Hulk - 1932

 Colin:

Oh, it’s over. Yes. Phew. What a bad movie that was.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow we go over our favorite images from the film.

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