Fun with Franchises: The Marvel Universe – Iron Man 2 (2010), Part II — “Hi I’m Tony Stark and I Have Diabeetus”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is Iron Man 2.

Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.

We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.

We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.

Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.

Right now, we’re doing the Marvel Universe, and today is the first part of Iron Man 2.

We begin Part II in…

Ah, The Hague.

Yes, I know where it is.

Colin:

Monaco’s the shit. I’m going there.

REALLY, Marvel?!

Colin:

Which reminds me, as I write this, F1 is in its first race weekend of 2015. I’m sure that excites none of you.

I’m okay with these shots. Monaco looks better than everything else in this movie.

Colin:

Wrong town, dinguses.

Nice hat.

“Whatever happens in the next twenty minutes just, go with it.”

That is a great thing to say walking into any place.

Colin:

Where couldn’t you say that? It works everywhere.

I wanna work that line into everything I write.

Ah, look who’s here.

Colin:

Goddamn, she DOES look good. Good for him for just making that happen.

“What’s on the docket?”

“You have a 9:30 dinner.”

“Perfect, I’ll be there at 11.”

Colin:

THAT’S the assistant I want. That is amazing. “Is this us?” “It can be.” And then she just makes it happen! I think I’ve gotten meek from being around Japanese people this long, cause that is mind-blowing.

Elon Musk. Because why not?

Colin:

Never noticed that he was talking to Elon Musk in this. That’s so perfect, cause Elon Musk is easily the closest we have to a real-life Tony Stark. PayPal, SpaceX, Tesla…all good shit. And now he’s really pushing the space thing. The man has a sense of humor, too. The other day he actually addressed the crazy people on Twitter and denied that there was any truth to the rumors that he’s only funding space development to return to his home world. Good for you, sir.

Colin:

I wonder how many individual sound clips there are in Hollywood of ice clinking around in crystal glasses. And, Asian chick wants him, and douche white guy wants to be him.

Nice.

Colin:

Fucking Dan’s here.

It’s Hammer time.

And look who he’s banging.

Colin:

How much more comic book can you get? He actually brought the chick who Tony slept with and who then tried to bring him down with all those hatchet jobs. Cause of course everyone’s working in concert and trying to thwart our hero.

Naturally she wants a quote.

Colin:

And Heigl has to get the quote for the women’s issue. Funny how Pepper’s still like the only one never to have slept with him.

“She’s actually doing a big spread on me for Vanity Fair. I thought I’d throw her a bone, you know.”

Colin:

“Spread.” Hah. This could be made better if he told Hammer to ask her about “the thing with the beads.”

Reaction shots are the key to comedy.

“She did quite a spread on Tony last year.”

“And she wrote a story as well.”

Stonewall like a champ.

Colin:

Why are these competitors expected to be friendly? Why does anyone think that would be a thing? And why is Hammer still gravitating toward Tony when Pepper is actually the CEO now and therefore represents his true competition? Stark should just tell Hammer to fuck off and let Pepper deal with it.

Colin:

“We kid. We’re kidders.” You’re resorting to lines from Triumph the Insult Comic Dog.

“I kid” was actually the immigrant altar boy’s last words.

This is the first time they’ve seen each other since the senate.

“Since he got his contract revoked.”

So who’s got the contract now?

“Actually, it’s on hold.”

“That’s not what I heard. What’s the difference between hold and cancelled? The truth?”

He’s actually hoping to show something at his Expo.

“Well, if you invent something that works, I’ll make sure I get you a slot.”

“Actually, I have a slot.”

“Hammer needs a slot.”

But he’s not even using the suit.

This also reminds me – since Hammer is bankrolling Rourke, why did he have to do some black market deal for IDs and plane tickets? Hammer could have just sent him that shit in the open. Meeting in an alleyway. Just fucking hand deliver them to the apartment. Who’s gonna know?

Colin:

He’s not bankrolling him yet. This is where he sees Rourke for the first time. But see how you could easily draw that conclusion?

“Got any other bad ideas?”

You mean besides this shot?

Colin:

“Hi. My name is Tony Stark, and I have diabeetus.”

Is that a bad idea? Or the best idea?

This doesn’t come off as self-destructive so much as it does random. I just don’t buy the toxicity thing enough to go along with this.

Colin:

He could not drive that car. And people don’t dress that way.

Colin:

I’m actually writing this on a bullet train to Hiroshima right now, and I just passed, at 186 mph, a love hotel in the middle of nowhere, made to look like an Arabian Palace. For those of you who don’t know, love hotels are hotels in Japan that give you a place to fuck if you can’t make it home. 3-hour stays and all.

Colin:

He couldn’t drive that thing without all his gadgets and electronic aids. This is a historic formula car. The amount of time and training required to reach the level of skill and precision to race one of those in a professional race rivals brain surgery. You can’t just say that he’s a genius and therefore can race this thing no problem.

“I love Tony Stark.”

“We’re not competitive.”

Colin:

I’m not sure what the regulation for that is. The point of qualification is to see who’s fastest and to put the fastest people in front. They now put an amateur 5^th on the grid, and on what looks like the racing line, based on someone else’s qualifying performance. That’s not dangerous at all. None of this could happen. He doesn’t have that license, didn’t sit through the safety briefing…yeah, I’m through discussing this logically.

Colin:

“I got some caviar coming.” You fucked up, sir. Bond orders caviar and leaves it for the girl. The girl just left you with the caviar.

I’d rather be watching the Grand Prix Sans Importance.

Or maybe the Grand Prix Infame.

Colin:

I think we’re going to spend the rest of the Marvel block looking for good faces.

And good feces.

There’s a lot of both.

Did he Enrico Palazzo that other driver?

Hammer has a car, too.

Nothing to say here. The visuals of a Grand Prix are pretty cool.

Colin:

That is actually what they do in Monaco. People get drunk on their yachts, watching the race that’s RIGHT THERE on a screen tilted their way.

Naturally he’s just there. If you considered how he would have gotten there for a second, you’d realize someone is helping him. And then it’s, “Who could be helping him? Well, Hammer, of course.”

Colin:

He doesn’t expect Tony to be racing, right? His plan can’t have anticipated Tony deciding to hop in this car last minute. But again, Hammer isn’t helping him. That would have been better if they’d done it that way because at least Hammer would have looked into the past for enemies of the Stark family and found someone instead of having it dropped in his lap like it is.

I bet he made them allow the toothpick. Method actors seem to love props.

Colin:

What race marshal has a lollipop?

Colin:

They removed the chicane for this race? What’s with that? Do you WANT people to die?

I can’t tell if the camera shaking as the cars zoom past is legit or CGI pretending to be legit.

Normally I’d say, “Well that’s the point of CGI,” but I want to know whether I should hate this or not.

I love that all it takes is one drunk asshole to fall off a balcony and at least three people end up dead.

This is so dangerous it could only be Europe.

Colin:

But Asia’s dangerous too. I think the distinction is that Monaco is classy-dangerous.

Weird how he know exactly where Stark was gonna be.

And how no one is monitoring the way ONTO THE TRACK.

Colin:

Technically, he’s dressed as a marshal, which means he’s the one who’s supposed to be monitoring the track. Kinda like Javier Bardem dressing as a cop and waltzing through London without being noticed.

Colin:

What a dumbass. There was actually a pretty crazy moment at the Canadian GP in 2011, I think (seriously, one of the best grands prix I’ve ever watched), when a marshal was picking up debris during the race, tripped while leaving the track and almost got hit by a car coming through at high speed.

The dress looked better on Keira.

And why does the guy on the right look like the Broken Lizard dude in a 70s porno?

How did he get through customs?

Or into the stadium?

Well that seems dangerous.

Pretty sure that would catch fire and not do what it just did.

Especially since these people are meant to be able to help people out of wreckage.

Colin:

I would like that, if he just caught fire.

Why would you cast Mickey Rourke in this?

That face.

The Hammer car went first.

Why are the cars not closer together?

Colin:

Shit like this does happen in races. Back in the late 90s, Le Mans prototypes didn’t have enough downforce and would take off on little hills, flip backwards in the air and crash. Scary shit.

Like the sound of air popping when the tire hits. Nice sound design.

Are there not police there to take him out?

That’s her only job in this movie.

Colin:

She is a pretty worthless character. Why can’t we have a better female lead?

See that dude to Favreau’s right? He’s like, “I just popped a tab of acid. Shit’s about to get real interesting.”

WHY ARE YOU IN THE CAR?!!!

Someone’s trying to kill Tony Stark. So you, the head of his company, go TO HIM.

Colin:

The shot of Pepper being kicked back in the seat is the same as the shot in Skyfall when Bond abducts Judi Dench from the hearing and peels out in her Jaguar. Which do you think I prefer?

Colin:

He’s driving a Rolls Royce Phantom, a car large enough to pull several smaller cars into its gravitational field, in the wrong direction on a street circuit. This is actually AS ridiculous as Trinity going the wrong way on the motorcycle.

Wouldn’t people be getting in the drivers’ ears and being like, “FUCKING STOP!”?

Sure, you can explain this by Tony saying, “Fuck that,” and tossing his earpiece out at the start of the race (assuming he even had one to begin with), because he’s not listening to anybody. But the other drivers still racing? That’s ridiculous.

Colin:

They have radios. They should have shut this mother down IMMEDIATELY. It’s been long enough for Pepper to see what was happening on TV, get Happy, have him get the suit and the car, get in the car and start driving down the track. And in this period of time, the racers, who have radios to their pit crews and clear sight of visual signals that can halt the race all around the track, have not been alerted to what’s going on.

How do you leave your hotel during this race?

That would suck, to be hungover and stumble outside for some eggs. “What the fuck?”

Wouldn’t you aim to take his head off and not keep him alive?

Or is it an Indigo Montoya thing?

Colin watches way more Formula 1 than I do… but you don’t survive that.

Colin:

Remember when Brad Pitt survived a plane crash?

You guys ever see Troy?

Colin:

That’s serious injury in one of those cars. The new ones break away from you to protect you from being crumpled, but these just smash with you inside.

Colin:

How are there no cops with guns? This guy is thwarted by projectile weapons. Tony’s energy blasts don’t work, but a bullet would. Or a lot of bullets.

So how many people are dead right now?

Colin:

That’s basically death. Two cars flipping behind him and one blowing up. No way he isn’t What Dreams May Come’ed. And he doesn’t even LOOK.

RANDOM FLYING TIRE!

Pretty sure the news wouldn’t put this on live.

Or would it?

Maybe that is the most realistic part of this movie.

These extras aren’t getting paid enough.

Colin:

Why is nobody drinking? This lady has a drink, but she’s not sipping. When stuff starts going down, you sip.

Colin:

These cars go so fast that the fact that they’re still driving through the field means that they’re a LONG way in the other direction of where the action is happening. That is, all of these cars that they’re passing through would have had to have passed through where Tony and Vanko are before Vanko started shit.

In clock terms, these cars were at least at 1 o’clock when Vanko popped out at 12. And they’re really fast, which means they’re probably somewhere between 6 and 12 now, but Pepper and Happy, also between 6 and 12, are heading to 12 by going COUNTER clockwise. Spatial relationships, people.

So naturally she wants the case, and has to get the key from his pocket in order to uncuff it from his wrist. At ninety miles per hour driving against traffic going at least 150 miles an hour.

What the fuck is this asshole doing?

He’s the human version of Tony’s robot.

Yeah, there was fuel leaking. You’re both incinerated right now.

Not without my toothpick.

And how did you not see that earlier?

Colin:

Surprise, motherfucker?

That probably should have knocked him concussed. That’s a piece of metal.

Colin:

Why’d the whips that cut everything else instantly not cut through the thing he was holding just then? Do they cut adamantium? Can Wolverine fight Mickey Rourke?

Colin:

You’re like, super good with whips, dude.

He’s one of those weirdos who knows about leather.

You knew that shit was going to happen at least once.

The spin is unnecessary.

Is that all it did?

Fuel. Again. There is no way either of you survives this.

Colin:

Always with the spatial relations. He whipped right to Tony’s foot in that last shot, and now we turn the shot around and he’s like 30 feet away.

Is this the realization of what an idiot he was?

NOW IT MATTERS?!

Must have been fun to see him walking around with jump ropes in his hands.

Maybe… move?

Great how no one’s cleared out and they’re all watching this.

Colin:

His reaction to the sleeve on fire reminded me that he played Chaplin. Which is a compliment.

Colin:

Hey, Martini! One of the greatest racing liveries of all time. We love Gulf, and we love Martini.

It’s funny now that Mickey Rourke was a thing for two years.

Wasn’t there a driver who used to do that? I feel like that’s all I know about racing. That someone used to do that.

Colin:

Haha. He just got Signs’ed. I have a euphemism for almost every different way you can be hit by a car. The funniest being Meet Joe Black’ed.

Colin:

This happens every time. You don’t let bad guys get up. You put a nail through his temple RIGHT NOW.

I Know When to Kill My Problems

OPTIMUS!

“God, this is embarrassing!”

So they’re arguing instead of killing their problem.

Is this what rich people do? Hit someone with the car and argue over whose fault it was as they drive away from the body?

GPOY

Weird how the world is watching a billionaire encourage vehicular manslaughter.

And… no cops? Nothing?

They’re all finishing their lunch first, aren’t they?

Colin:

This is a strange shot.

It was handcuffed to Favreau a minute ago, wasn’t it? Or did he take it off before they even got in the car? Oh, who cares anymore.

Just hop on the yacht and float away.

“Bye, bye, cunts!”

That’s how I’d do it.

Airbags. Reliable.

Colin:

I like how he’s chopping up the Rolls. That’s impressive in terms of effects. You know Rolls had to make this for them so they could cut it up in the right way.

This is all she does.

This does look cool, though.

“GIVE ME THE FUCKING CASE!”

Is basically what this is.

Colin:

No. She can’t throw that whole thing. She threw that like a piece of Styrofoam. That’s supposed to be a suit that can take a hit from an anti-aircraft gun or an explosion or something. There’s no way it’s made of something light enough that the WHOLE suit in suitcase form could be tossed. They’re just getting ridiculous. It should have been in the trunk.

Don’t think it slides, but whatever.

How about you just kill him while he’s putting it on?

Colin:

How did he get this through customs? Do sovereign nations want him showing up with this?

This suit automatically looks more fake than the last one.

Now they’re running closer to get a better look.

GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY, CAR!

This is a weird looking suit.

Well maybe get a little distance from him. Those whips only reach so far. And you have a long range… whatever that thing fires.

Colin:

This is not hurting him? It doesn’t cut this metal? You can cut through a Rolls Royce Death Star but not the little thing that Gwyneth Paltrow was able to throw?

Can’t you fly?

Colin:

That didn’t really hurt him at all, huh? He’s just looking at it like a math problem. It’s like the only thing we’re supposed to care about is the suit getting a little wrecked up. And later on we see that he has like 10 of them, like Batman. None with nipples, though.

You eat those? What?

Yeah, maybe keep walking backwards outside of the range of those whips.

Though presumably the implication is at longer range he’s not as accurate.

But the movie doesn’t bother to explain this at all through staging and choreography and all those important things that makes action coherent.

Doesn’t anybody here carry a gun?

Colin:

Look at the extras here.

Why does the Iron Man suit have a watch band for an abdomen?

Colin:

I like how they’re still just sitting in the car. No, that’s fine. Don’t help.

Colin:

Those are the crazy eyes. Mickey Rourke does have the crazy eyes.

“So, uhh… guys… maybe do something?”

Why are you both just sitting in the fucking car?

Colin:

He did just pull Tony off the car pretty hard, and he’s been whipping him around, which suggests that he has the strength to swing the weight of Tony IN the suit around like nothing. I see no prosthesis that’s making him stronger or supporting any of the load. His arms are what make the whip go.

Has Mickey Rourke spoken a word yet? I don’t think he has.

And this is where he realizes he has to get closer because he can hit him when he’s closer.

Now, if you structured the action better, we’d have understood this and it would have felt like a realization.

Colin:

Another Tuesday pose.

Where the fuck were you assholes five minutes ago?

I like that they resisted the urge to give him a one-liner here.

What did he say? “You’re washed”? Like Boris the Blade?

Colin:

He says, “You lose.”

There’s so much AIDS in franchises.

Gotta love a guy who laughs manically as he’s being taken away to go to prison for the rest of his life.

Colin:

Mickey Rourke, laughing like a crazy person. Not much of a stretch.

How much do you think all this cost Mickey Rourke?

Good thing they didn’t fuck up those CG yachts.

Look at these extras.

Colin:

When you look at them in single images, you can imagine them shooting these cuts in a row. Three or four, one after the other. And then they tell Hammer to smile for the last one.

They don’t know who he is. No prints. Hasn’t said a word. Doesn’t know if he can speak English.

Knives and lint.

Colin:

Oh, so his French accent is LOVELY. Almost as good as Uma Thurman’s Japanese accent.

Tony wants five minutes with him.

Naturally, what the billionaire wants, he gets.

Colin:

I love how rich people don’t have to follow the justice system.

Well this is creepy.

Colin:

Shitting pose.

“Pretty decent tech. Cycles per second was a little low.”

He gives him pointers on how he could have done better.

Calls it a “passable knockoff.”

Colin:

Yeah, tell the crazy Russian how to make a better thing. That serves a purpose.

It actually does. Characterization about how he’s got that kind of brain, where he’s more interested in the tech than the person. That actually does make sense and work as character building for me.

“I don’t get it. A little fine tuning you could have made yourself a decent paycheck. You could have sold it to North Korea, China, Iran.”

All those places we saw before.

I’m sure even the UK would have taken it.

“Come on, Comrade.”

What he actually says is, “You come from a family of thieves and butchers. And now, like all guilty men, you try to rewrite your own history. And you forget all the lives the Stark family has destroyed.”

That line could be from Game of Thrones and you’d never know.

“Speaking of thieves, where did you get this design?”

“My father. Anton Vanko.”

“Well, I never heard of him.”

Oh, I see. This is why they wanted Mickey Rourke.

“My father is the reason you’re alive.”

Colin:

It’s funny how he’s basically the Winklevoss twins of arc reactor technology. “Oh it was my family’s idea, WAHHHHHH.” “Fuck you, I did it better anyway.”

“The reason I’m alive is because you had a shot, you took it, and you missed.”

“Did I? If you can make God bleed, the people will cease to believe in him.”

Colin:

Ah, so he thinks Stark is Xerxes. What with all his weird fever dream orgies and his low voice and face piercings. Gotta show people he can bleed. Didn’t work well for Connery in The Man Who Would Be King, either.

“And there will be blood in the water. And the sharks will come. The truth, all I have to do is sit here and watch as the world will consume you.”

So his plan is, “Oh, I showed you’re vulnerable, so now people are gonna take shots at you.” That… seems unlikely. I don’t think one villain begets other villains. That’s not how escalation works.