Fun with Franchises: The Marvel Universe – Iron Man 2 (2010), Part IV — “Bullshitium”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is Iron Man 2.

Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.

We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.

We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.

Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.

Right now, we’re doing the Marvel Universe, and today is the fourth part of Iron Man 2.

We begin Part IV with an arc reactor.

Operation.

Colin:

That’s actually a nice shot. 

“You think that’s the power source?”

“Major, this is not a scientific exercise. Let’s just focus on arming it, all right?”

Colin:

Are you slow? Yes, the big fucking glowing thing at the heart of the suit is the goddamn power source.

Also, I thought you wanted to reproduce it, not arm it.

Hammer is nutting in his $12,000 pantaloons.

Colin:

I think it’s the glee and the high voice. Dan.

“Is it my birthday? You got it. What did you do? What did you do? Is this what I think it is?”

“Hammer, I want to know what you’re gonna do for us.”

“What am I gonna do? First things first, I’m gonna upgrade your software…”

Why is nobody talking about more of these?

“I’m talking about firepower.”

Colin:

He has a lollipop.

It’s an $8 lollipop. It’s the best lollipop there is.

“Well, you’re talking to the right guy.”

The moment they thought about cutting to “Back in Black.”

You know they did.

Colin:

I actually like this part. It’s a smarmy sales pitch. Which is fun to watch.

“Too downtown? I agree.”

Colin:

The fuck does that even MEAN?

Downtown LA. Black people and Mexicans. Racism.

“You know what? You’re not a hunter.”

Colin:

That doesn’t look like a shotgun. Which, I think, is why I like the looks of it. Although, remember the SPAS-12? That looked cool, AND it was the basis for the Automatic Shotgun in Goldeneye. Which – explain anything to me in terms of Goldeneye.

Colin:

And how much do we love the overhead shots of the guns on the table? It’s like the shot of all the motorcycle parts laid out in Twilight: New Moon, which reminded me of Wes Anderson. And the fact that I even remember that shot and which of those execrable flicks it was from should tell you that it was a halfway decent shot.

“I can tell, this isn’t disco enough for you.”

Colin:

I can’t explain why I enjoy this. Cause you’re embarrassed for him. Also, isn’t this stuff supposed to be his stuff? That was from Belgium.

Also, these guns — that’s a fully-made suit. What the fuck are these guns gonna do on that?

Basically, he goes through weapons and puts them on the table. Why, I have no idea.

Colin:

I want a grenade launcher.

“Let me tell you something. Size does matter.”

A minigun.

Colin:

It kinda hurts that the A-10 Warthog might be retired soon. The Air Force is thinking about it. It’s a slow plane made for close air-support, but it’s basically like the modern, American equivalent of the Il-2 Sturmovik from WWII. Heavily armored and carrying fucking WEAPONS. The thing has a minigun in the nose that shoots fire. It’s such a beast that even though the Air Force is ready to get rid of it, they Army is arguing in favor of keeping it, cause you always want to have something like that overhead in case Tom Hanks is shooting at a tank with a pistol.

Is he liaising right now?

Here’s the good shit. Why he didn’t led with this – really all he’s doing is wasting my time.

“It’s capable of busting a bunker – under the bunker you just busted.”

“If it were any smarter, it would write a book. A book that would make Ulysses look like it was written in crayon. It would read it to you.”

It’s his masterpiece.

“Capable of reducing the standing population of any structure to zero.”

Colin:

How about the Super Dome?

How about Polio?

“I call it the Ex-Wife.”

Colin:

An ex-wife joke was made.

The joke here is that it’s not gonna work. Which makes you wonder how this man got to the point where the U.S. government hired him to be their weapons contractor. Was there no one else? Even if you talk a good game, you have to show them some form of capability to get shit done.

“I think I’ll take it.”

“Which one?”

“All of it.”

Colin:

All of it. There’s no way all of that fits, by the way. And the ammo. And all that. Nope.

This is a third time I’ve seen them take really weird approaches to stuff. First, when Stark got free. No one bothered to really debrief him or ask him questions when he got back. Second, when they caught Rourke. They just put him in a cell and figured he’d be fine. And third, here. They have the suit. Didn’t run diagnostics, didn’t do anything except pull the power source out and go, “Let’s put guns on it.”

Way to keep this from him for 30 years.

Colin:

I love looking through old shit. Not like Chevy Chase in Christmas Vacation. More like this.

Hey look, you know that guy who tried to kill you? Turns out there was a reason. Surprise!

Colin:

Show him all the blueprints. Wave of the future.

We saw all this already. Jarvis pulled this up on his screen.

Libatique’s father shot that? Cute.

Also, Tony just has a reel to reel in his basement. All this technology — still watches movies like this.

Or did he just go out and buy one specifically so he could watch this?

These better be outtakes. See him fuck up, curse and drink whiskey, slap his secretary on the ass. If that’s no in these videos, this is wasted time.

Colin:

I’m impressed by actors who are able to act like someone acting badly and do it convincingly.

Colin:

I want to watch old shit on reels. Can we watch old stuff on reels?

This is dad’s Grail diary.

Colin:

His mother’s name was MARIA? That might be his problem, that he can’t solve problems like her.

Is that the Tesseract? Is that one more thing for me to hate?

And there’s Tony, fucking around as a child.

Colin:

Children have issues with touching stuff they’re not supposed to touch.

Colin:

If it’s 1974, he would have been 3, no? How are you gonna fault a 3-year-old?

There it is. I will allow it.

See how easily I am placated?

Colin:

BOOZE. Just learned that apparently the word “booze” comes from the surname of E.C. Booz, who was the liquor producer who supplied most of the alcohol for William Henry Harrison’s 1840 campaign. History is a grand thing, folks.

“One second.” *BOOZE*

“So from Stark Industries, I would like to personally show you – my ass.”

That’s two!

Get it? It’s his turn to finish the pages.

I wish this shot were better.

Colin:

Is Tony drinking booze too? I guess he doesn’t need his stupid stuff anymore.

“Tony –”

REALLY?!

Colin:

Why does 1974 here look more like 1964?

“You’re too young to understand this now, so I thought I would put it on film for you.”

Colin:

I am SO making a cryptic home video for my kids that they’ll find later on in the event of my tragic death. The sort of thing that could either lead them to untold riches or to question my sanity. Or both?

“I built this for you. And some day you’ll realize that it represents a whole lot more than just people’s inventions. It represents my life’s work. This is the key to the future.”

This is weird that somehow he knew the thing he created would be exactly what Tony needed to keep himself from dying.

Or maybe it’s just bad writing.

They edited this?

“I’m limited by the technology of my time. But one day, you’ll figure this out. And when you do, you will change the world.”

“What is, and will always be, my greatest creation, is you.”

Colin:

You. Hah. Daddy’s little ‘squirt.’

You know, this is actually a good moment. Character-wise. A little hokey, but not so awful.

The shoehorning in of SHIELD and Fury as the conduits seems forced, but the rest of this actually kind of works for this movie.

I think we needed less worldbuilding, less comic bullshit with Hammer and Vanko and this actually could have been a really great movie.

Colin:

The father relationship can work in movies, as evidenced by Indiana Jones.

Colin:

Daddy DID love me! I’ll drive my Audi very fast!

I thought no contact with the outside world?

A watch for strawberries.

Colin:

Why the strawberries? And paying for it with a watch? What is this? Wait, he just said, “I don’t like people handing me things,” which is an amazing line, so I’ve decided this is all okay.

“Are you Iron Man?”

“Sometimes.”

Colin:

“We believe in you!” You sell strawberries on the side of the road. You’ll believe in anything.

It’s funny, because you know he’s got like, three crosses in his general vicinity at all times.

Like the perpetual motion machine. Always a fan of those and the Rube Goldbergs.

This office looks shittier now.

Colin:

I like that Bill O’Reilly did this. Not that I like him. But I like that he at least let himself be the shitty guy who criticizes Iron Man.

She’s a CEO.

Colin:

More dialogue that someone wrote so she could be on the phone during this. It’s like Bob Newhart but wholly unenjoyable.

“Got a minute?”

“No.”

“Come on. You just got off the phone, you’re fine. Thirty seconds.”

“Twenty-nine, twenty-eight…”

“Okay. I was just driving over here, and I thought I was coming over here to apologize, but I’m not.”

“You didn’t come over here to apologize?”

“That goes without saying, and I’m working on that. But I haven’t been entirely, up front, with you, and I just wanna try to make good.”

Colin:

Holy shit that is genius. Apologies that go without saying. How did we never think of this before?

I think it’s actually the lack of an apology that goes without saying, which might actually be better.

“So you’re not apologizing?”

“No, I’d have thought that part was obvious.”

“Can I move this? This is crazy. This is like a ferris wheel, going around, while I’m trying to –”

“No.”

“Do you know how short life is? And if I never got to express – and by the way, this is somewhat revelatory to me – and I don’t care – I mean, I care, it would be nice, but I’m not expecting you to – here’s what I’m trying to say –”

Colin:

He can’t finish a sentence.

“Let me just stop you right here. Because if you say ‘I’ one more time, I’m gonna actually hurl something at your head. I am trying to run a company. Do you have any idea what that entails?”

Is that a joke?

Colin:

He ran a company for a long time.

“People are relying on you to be Iron Man and you disappeared. And all I’m doing is putting out your fires and taking the heat for it.”

Wait, what? Remember when they relied on him to sell weapons? And now they need him to be Iron Man? What? And why is she taking the heat? This makes no fucking sense whatsoever.

“I am trying to do the job that you were meant to do.”

‘Meant’ is a tricky word in this case. Especially after the whole dad bullshit.

“Did you bring me strawberries?”

“Did you know that there is only one thing on earth that I’m allergic to?”

Colin:

The redhead who’s allergic to strawberries. Good.

“This is progress, Pepper. I knew there was a correlation between you and this.”

“I need you –”

“I need you, that’s what I’m trying to say.”

“To leave.”

He’s so hurt.

Yeah, this is the look when you bang someone at the office.

Colin:

What is THAT art?

That looks like a piece of toast painted black.

“Anything else, boss?”

“No, that’ll be—”

“No, I’m good, I’ll be just another minute.”

“I lost both the kids in the divorce.”

Colin:

That’s a Nicholson face.

Colin:

They don’t even laugh at his jokes anymore.

“Are you blending in well here, Natalie? Here at Stark Enterprises.”

“Your name is Natalie, isn’t it?”

Yeah, that look. I know that look well.

Fortunately for me it’s not backed up with, “I can kick the shit out of you twelve different ways” like it is here.

Colin:

She can fuck your day up. And she speaks Latin. But something tells me her Latin is like his French. Or Uma Thurman’s Japanese.

“I thought you two didn’t get along.”

“No, that’s not so.”

“It’s just me you don’t care for.”

“No? Nothing?”

Favreau has the best response. “Sorry, man, what can you do?”

“I’m surprised you can keep your mouth shut.”

“Boy, you are good. You are mind-blowingly duplicitous. How do you do it?”

Why is it a big deal if she works for SHIELD? It’s not like Pepper is in any danger if she finds out. You’re gonna quit eventually.

“You’re a triple impostor. I’ve never seen anything like it. Is there anything real about you?”

Only one way to find that out.

“Do you even speak Latin?”

“Fallaces sunt rerum species.”

“Which means? Wait, what? What did you just say?”

“It means you can either drive yourself home or I can have you collected.”

Colin:

Is that…? That’s not what that meant.

He’s about to flip those strawberries.

Oh, that thing.

He’s taking his strawberries and going home.

There we go.

Colin:

He threw away that watch worth of strawberries in the office of the woman who is allergic to strawberries. Ill-conceived and inconsiderate.

And hilarious. That’s one of the funniest moments in the movie. The long shot of it all. You actually laugh in this moment, because it feels like Downey just improvised it.

Ah a clue.

Please don’t let it be the exact building he picked up when he was a kid.

See, and I didn’t even need the obvious prompt. Sometimes shit is obvious.

So this was just laying around his office?

So without dad’s video message, would he have figured this out?

Weird how there’s never anyone on the highway or in donut shops the same time he is. It’s like they closed the streets to film or something.

Colin:

I’m not sure that works in the car like that. Convertibles suck.

Fun story about PCH.

That’s Pacific Coast Highway, for you non-regionals.

That’s the highway that goes all the way up the… well, you can figure that out.

Anyway, back in the day, it was pretty much a community for all the movie stars. Malibu police was its own thing. (Remember Lebowski? “Stay out of Malibu?” That kind of deal.) They were pretty chummy with people and generally let the movie stars slide.

The point of all of this is to tell the story, because it’s awesome. But it ties into the article in the sense that – nothing will happen to him for doing this. Most cops would give tickets for this, but someone like him – nothing.

Anyway, one of the people who lived in Malibu back in the day was Burgess Meredith. And he was a legendary drinker. (Not a drunk. A drinker.) I told the story once where he was sitting on a barstool and flipped over backwards and when he came back up, not a drop of his beer was spilled. He’s that kind of guy.

Anyway, he used to go out drinking all the time and drive back up PCH to his house in Malibu at 2, 3 am. And of course he’d be drunk and not driving perfectly. And the cops would pull him over, and the usual deal. And they’d see it was him and be like, “Oh, all right, Buzzy, you sure you can make it home all right?” Because they knew he was fine. And they just let him go home.

Man lived until he was 90.

Anyway, that’s my story.

Get it? He blew the dust off of it.

Colin:

Cause there’d be a fine layer of dust still on it after he had it poking out of the convertible doing 100 mph on the highway.

Oh, look, Jarvis is back.

Colin:

I still want all this holo shit.

One of his suits is missing. At least they got the continuity right there.

Looks like an atom.

Colin:

“In which case, the nucleus would be here.” Fucking really. Thanks for aping it for the dumbasses in the audience who flunked high school chemistry.

I mean, nucleus… atoms — who am I, Ernest Rutherford?

He’s got the whole world in his hands.

Colin:

This is where the middle steps get lost. He gets rid of all this random shit and you’re like…wait, what if that had some significance? Maybe the Belgian Waffle stands WERE important. And then he says to configure it using the pavilions, and JARVIS knows, apparently, how to turn a 2D layout of buildings into a spherical atomic structure.

The other thing is, Howard would only have been able to theorize what this element was and how it works. He couldn’t make it and figure out what it did. So Tony should also have been able to theorize what kind of element WOULD suit his needs, hypothetically.

I’m confused about why he needed this to show him there was a hypothetical element he COULD create, cause the ease with which he then makes it suggests that it should have been an option all along.

The Plot.

“What is it you’re trying to achieve?”

“I’m discovering – correction – rediscovering a new element.”

The element of Bullshitium?

So apparently dad figured all this shit out in 1974 and just left it for you to guess on your own?

This is a pretty hilarious motion.

Colin:

First thing I’m doing when I get back to the US is sneaking some booze into a planetarium.

“Dead for almost twenty years. Still taking me to school.”

Dead for 20 years. Dad died in the 90s? This does NOT fit with everything we find out later.

He was like, 30 in Captain America. And that was during the war. So that makes him like 70 when he’s killed in a car crash. Even if he’s 60, that’s still old. You don’t die in a car crash with mysterious circumstances in your 60s. Why would Hydra need to kill him if Tony was around? What we he accomplishing at 60 that was really a threat to Hydra? If it was building as the computer said, they’d have killed him in the 70s. The timeline makes zero sense.

“The proposed element should serve as a viable replacement for palladium.”

Well that seems convenient. Dad just knew all this was going to happen.

Now I remember why I don’t like this movie very much.

“Unfortunately, it is impossible to synthesize.”

In 1974. But he can rebuild it. He has the technology.

Colin:

Impossible to synthesize. So, not impossible to synthesize.

“Get ready for a major remodel, fellas. We’re back in hardware mode.”

Fellas?

Oh, he’ still talking to the dumb robot.

Where’s SHIELD during all of this? Surely they can help.

Colin:

I wonder why he does this with a hammer and not with the suits he possesses.

The beauty of Stark is, we know he can do this shit in like, a day.

Colin:

Did he get that from weird scientist Amazon?

Pretty great how he’s supposed to be watched during all of this, and SHIELD has no idea what’s going on.

Just like the Matrix Revolutions.

Colin:

I hadn’t seen this. He’s propping it up on a motorcycle and books. That’s great.

Well that’s convenient. You could have helped.

Also, WHY DOES EVERYONE HAVE THE CODE TO HIS GARAGE?!!!

“I heard you broke the perimeter.”

Obviously it wasn’t a very good perimeter.

“Yeah, that was like, three years ago, where you been?”

Exactly!

“I was doing some stuff.”

Butt stuff?

“Yeah, well, me too, and it worked.”

You weren’t really doing much of anything. You watched a video you were given, you saw a model your dad meant for you to see, realized something was up, and then Jarvis did a lot of the rest. You just deduced. You haven’t actually made shit yet.

“I’m playing for the home team, Coulson. You and all your fabulous furry freak brothers. Now you gonna let me work or break my balls?”

“What’s this doing here?”

Fuck you.

Colin:

What’s the bullshit Captain America shield? That looks like some crap you’d see on the wall of a diner.

“That’s it.”

“Bring that to me.”

“You know what this is?”

“It’s exactly what I need to make this work.”

Colin:

It’s that disregard for shit that keeps us coming back.

“Perfectly level.”

Now, first off – again, fuck you. And the world building shit. Second, they make like Captain America was a huge deal back in the 40s. No way they wouldn’t at least have taught him in schools in this universe. So the fact that Stark has no idea what that shield actually is makes this whole universe a joke. We’re selectively playing by rules. That’s not okay.

“I’m busy, what do you want?”

“Nothing. Goodbye.”

He’s been reassigned. New Mexico.

He wasn’t doing very good on this assignment. Might as well.

“Fantastic. Land of Enchantment.”

“So I’m told.”

“Secret stuff.”

“Something like that.”

Colin:

Stop trying to tie this in with Thor. We don’t like that movie.

“We need you.”

“More than you know.”

The subtitle to Marvel.

“Not that much.”

Which is what they tell themselves.

Love that he can built this in his garage. And they just trust him to do it.

Colin:

I do kind of want a particle accelerator. Not sure why, but it seems like it’d be cool. There was that whole “will the universe implode” worry there for a bit, but meh.

Weird Scientist Amazon ships fast.

Colin:

Lasers are also cool and the US government has some of those, which makes me sleep better at night. ZAP yo dumb ass!

Colin:

I need to have a wrench like that hanging around. I wouldn’t use it, but it’d be a great conversation starter.

Probably not good. Though at this point, what hasn’t this house gone through?

Well those look like gas pipes.

Colin:

Hey, see how you’re about to zap through a cabinet labeled inflammable?

Colin:

Why the triangle, though?

They just said impossible like, four minutes ago.

“That was easy.”

See?

“Congratulations, sir. You have created a new element.”

A for Avengers? Is that what that is?

Colin:

Oh, I really hope that’s not what this is. You have to wonder why he wouldn’t have made another circle. And does he have to make a lot of this stuff? Palladium was spent, but what about this?

Bullshitium.

Colin:

This stupid fuck is still playing with stuff from last week. Let’s laugh at the poor kid!

Does this bird drink booze?

He has bluetooth?

“Hey, Ivan. I got Senator Stern here. Thought we’d swing over and look at some of the drone designs.”

Colin:

Fucking Dan. He plays golf. Was he really going to have them SHOOT stuff at this urban demonstration? And for that matter, what the hell kind of universe is this where people show up by the thousand to watch live ammo weapons demonstrations in an urban center?

Dan’s a Republican, too.

He says they’ll make the demonstration, not a presentation.

Colin:

I bet Russians love this performance.

Russians are one of history’s natural villains. Russians, Nazis, Arabs, and Sean Bean.

But anyway, he can’t make them fly. He can make them salute.

Colin:

He can make salute. Unless you have $10.

Drone Hookers!

Colin:

He made an extra-long electric dildo.

Is that bird sucking its own dick?

Oh, yeah, the electric whips and stuff too.

Colin:

I love it when white people in suits get pissed and walk quickly with their angry little shoes.

Colin:

That’s not the Birdman. Though, coincidentally, Mickey Rourke has walked through Times Square in his underwear on several occasions.

Mickey Rourke walks through Beverly Hills in his underwear every fucking day. I’m not kidding.

“Now you like the bird, is that right? Is that your bird? I’m confused. You said it wasn’t, but now it looks like you’re best of pals. You love that bird, don’t you? You know what? Take the bird.”

Colin:

That was kind of a straw man just to piss him off.

And his pillows.

Colin:

Take his pillows? The fuck is this? This is a very bad lesson, and it won’t help him make some shit for…what was it, TONIGHT?

And his shoes.

Yeah, sure, fuck with someone whose feet look like that.

Colin:

He has some dumb fucking feet, man.

“I took your stuff. How’s that make you feel?”

Probably not the best thing to do to someone who’s sole purpose in life is getting revenge on someone whose father stole his father’s stuff.

“You feel bad? Good. Because that’s how I feel!”

Colin:

Oh, someone let Dan use the outside voice inside.

“We had a contract. I save your life, and you give me suits. That was our deal. And you did not deliver.”

Colin:

Mm. Suits. Like, Men’s Warehouse. Or Jos. A. Banks.

“I don’t know if you’re a genius or a fraud. I don’t know what you are.”

Colin:

You can be a genius AND a fraud at the same time.

“Something really great fell into my lap. And if it hadn’t, I’d be at your mercy tonight. Now I have a piece of Stark tech, that I pimped out myself.”

Colin:

He has on a weird wife-beater. Why do I feel like I’ve seen Kim Basinger wear the exact same thing?

“And now your overpriced paperweights are gonna look like a backdrop to my demonstration. You dig what I’m getting at here?”

Colin:

I’m still confused about how he thinks this will go. So he publicly shows off something he only modified and stole from the guy whose show he’s presenting at? That…works.

And Vanko says something in Russian.

“I don’t know if you know this, but I don’t speak Russian!”

“I’m gonna leave now. I’m gonna go to the Expo. Maybe I’ll even get laid.”

Colin:

Oh, that would be worth the price of admission. Cutting to him getting laid.

“See these guys? They’re your babysitters. They are not to be trifled with.”

Never a good idea. Never leave babysitters. Just lock him in a room without computers.

Colin:

Because he’s the bad guy and spent like 15 years in a Russian prison, I guess these guys are nothing. Who knows, maybe there are pansies in Russian prison. Someone has to be the littlest nesting doll. But this guy just happened to be a badass.

When he gets back, they’re gonna renegotiate the deal, and he’s gonna deliver, “otherwise you’re gonna be exactly what you were when I found you. A dead man.”

He’s still holding the bird.

Also, at what point in there was there a low point? I don’t know if you guys know this, but if there isn’t a low point at this stage in the movie – it’s a tragedy.

Colin:

The low point was him in the donut with a hangover and toxic blood after his love interest left him and his friend stole his suit, trashed the house and left. That was what I would classify as the low point.

Yeah, but that wasn’t the end of act two. Not even close. In terms of story arc, the low point here is gonna be, “Hey Tony, I’m alive.” Which is not a low point. It’s just another turning point.

This is bad storytelling.

Colin:

He’s back to being chipper cause he fixed his battery thing.

Oh, but he’s still using the old chestpiece? I guess he’s supposed to be running diagnostics or whatever.

“Hey, Tony.”

Oh, good. He got a phone.

He did what he said. More power.

“You sound pretty sprightly for a dead guy.”

“You too.”

“Now, the true history of Stark name will be written. What your father did to my family over forty years, I will do to you in forty minutes.”

Colin:

Let him die in Siberia?

Only if Gwyneth makes that noise.

“Sounds good. Let’s get together and hash it out.”

“I hope you’re ready.”

These scenes always suck.

Also, this isn’t a low point.

This is bad story structure.

Him being dead has nothing to do with a character arc.

NO SHIT.

Colin:

So he’s in the tri-state area, but Tony knows immediately to go to the expo. That’s not as much of a slam-dunk as say, Casino Royale, when he’s already at Miami Airport and they only have to Google it to see what the target is gonna be. Good thing he happened to have the news about Hammer on screen already, with his dumb face and all.

Suit up.

“You wanna run some tests? Run ‘em.”

No word on how this cures him. He’s still god palladium in his blood. Presumably he still has toxic blood. Not to mention — what is this chest piece doing? I thought it was just for shrapnel. Is his heart dependent on it now? You can just put it in the suit and it can run that way. Like War Machine. Which randomly had a power source inside of it. Which might have been the clue that he wanted Rhodey to have it all along.

“That tastes like coconut.”

“And metal.”

Just like Lana Turner.

Colin:

Coconut? And metal? I’m still confused about what part of this has contact with his body, considering that it goes in a metal slot in his chest.

What if your dick could do that?

Colin:

Does yours not?

Hammer has a two hour time slot, by the way. What the fuck is he doing for all that time?

“I’ll keep the car down here, all right?”

And you’ll just be allowed to?

Colin:

All the Audis.

Goddamn, look at that wiggle.

Note to self: always let Sam Rockwell dance.

Colin:

Can someone write a movie for him and Walken where they would resolve conflicts and overcome problems by dancing?

Seven Psychopaths?

Also, is this Favreau referencing himself?

Seems lazy and desperate.

Colin:

The average white man dancing to Average White Band.

“Ladies and gentlemen, for far too long, this country has had to place its brave men and women in harm’s way.

“But then the Iron Man arrived, and we thought that the days of losing lives were behind us.”

Why did we think that, exactly?

“Sadly that technology was kept out of reach. That’s not fair, that’s not right. And it’s just too bad.”

Colin:

Get it over with, asshole.

“Regardless, it was an impressive innovation. One that grabbed headlines the world over.”

“Well today, my friends, the press is faced with quite a different problem. They are about to run out of ink.”

Oh… you’re acting like newspapers still exist.

Crickets.

Colin:

When they said this guy makes bombs, I thought they were talking about the weapons!

I love this. Telling them to move the podium. This is hilarious to me. This moment.

Colin:

Irritated people like to order around people who are already doing whatever the order is. He tells them to get the podium out of his way as they’re already doing that.

Poses.

“Ladies and gentlemen, today I present to you the new face of the United States military.”

They probably aren’t happy to hear that.

Stop. Hammer Drone.

Sentinels.

Colin:

These drones would never be approved.

Check out the little pelvic thrust when he says “Marines.”

“That’s a hell of a lot better than some cheerleaders, let me tell you.”

I disagree.

Now, what I don’t get is – he’s trying to take down Stark’s legacy, yet Hammer is the one that will catch shit for this. These things malfunction, they only prove Tony right.

And now he introduces War Machine.

Colin:

They gave him red eyes, cause that doesn’t make him more menacing.

Too bulky. Look at that thing.

Colin:

That thing does look pretty badass, though. I like the Popeye arms and the metal shoulder dick.

Popeye Arms and Metal Shoulder Dick

“For America and its allies, Hammer industries is reporting for—”

Colin:

Yeah, that’s a good way to enter. They were smart to not have him do a slow landing. The hover and drop landing is so much cooler looking.

That suit is too CGI.

“We got trouble.”

“All these people are in danger. We gotta get ‘em out of here. You gotta trust me for the next five minutes.”

Colin:

Remember when in the last movie, it was the arc reactor everyone was after? And they didn’t know how to make it? Why have they not given it to scientists to figure out and replicate at this point?

“I think he’s working with Vanko.”

“Vanko’s alive?”

Colin:

Vanko’s alive? Yeah he’s alive. French prisons are bad at keeping track of people. There’s another guy missing who they THOUGHT was Vanko, and they didn’t even have his dental records or anything? And they almost let poor Leo die in that French prison. Wait. Twice. Man in the Iron Mask AND Catch Me if You Can? Leo has bad luck with French prisons. But I’ll still visit France. Good luck trying to get me to visit Turkey.

“Where’s Vanko?”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.”

“Is that you?”

“Get out of here, go! The whole system’s been compromised.”

Colin:

It’s weird that Don Cheadle can still use the radio. You’d think that Mickey Rourke would have cut that feed.

Get out of here, Tony! You don’t want no part of this shit!

Colin:

At this point, you should probably book it. That goes for people, too. If Vanko was really a bad guy, he’d shoot the audience too.

What is his plan here? If Tony didn’t show up, what happens? Presumably he is gonna kill people and they’re gonna think it’s Tony’s fault? I don’t really get how this works.

Well that was the least safe way to get out of there for all of the people who are in danger.

Colin:

Usually best to bring demos that aren’t loaded.

Nah, but they were really expensive. These are the best drones anyone’s ever seen!

You guys remember cumming for the first time?

Disregard for glass.

RANDOM SHOT OF PEOPLE.

“Jarvis, break in. I need to own him.”

Racist.

Colin:

That’s just lazy genius work. You’re getting your virtual butler to hack shit for you now. Weak.

It’s either that or he makes him eat the virtual spiderwebs.

“Tony, I’m locked in. I have target lock.”

“On what?”

WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK?!

“On you.”

Maybe since you’re in Flushing, just fly north a little bit. Over the water. And people are safe.

Not to mention, you’re like, right next to La Guardia. That’s really bad for the planes.

Colin:

He’s heavier and less aerodynamic. AND he has an old chest piece. How is he catching up?

You set that up just for that?

This is why that shit I was saying about The Matrix, and how badly they’d fuck it up if it were made today – all true.

Colin:

None of those people were hit with the hundreds of minigun rounds plowing through. Fortuitous.

How about you fly where there aren’t people?

Stop using the word “enslave.”

And how is this impossible? You SAW him hack into your shit before, and he’s been working on these things for weeks without anyone paying any attention to him.

Colin:

What a dumb fuck. The sad part about this is that we have people like this in positions of power in the public and private sectors. This is why we have failsafe shit and nerds to make sure stuff isn’t fucked up.

What the fuck is Pepper doing there?

“If your guy hadn’t shown up, this wouldn’t be happening.”

He’s got a point. This really is because Tony showed up.

“You tell me who’s behind this. Who’s behind this?!”

And she’s calling the police. Because what else is she good for?

Colin:

She’s the failing of the Iron Man movies. Other than their connection to the larger universe.

“Tell me everything you know.”

He knows nothing! They’re all fucking clueless. That’s the only reason this is happening right now. That’s why this movie is stupid. Dumb people doing dumb things leading to giant CG explosions. The only part of this movie they cared about remotely was Tony. Probably because Downey demanded quality there. The rest of it is awful. Marvel bullshit.

Colin:

A woman just got you to spill the beans in like 2 seconds and now another woman is hijacking your whole situation room. Which wouldn’t be too bad if they weren’t both redheads.

Colin:

A HAH HAH. This is like when the stormtroopers blew up the Ewoks.

Because we don’t care?

So are you trying to kill people? Not trying to kill people? I just want to understand your purpose here.

Colin:

How are more people not getting murdered?

“Nobody’s answering the phone. What’s going on?”

“Get in the car. Take me to Hammer Industries.”

“I’m not taking you anywhere.”

“Fine, you want me to drive?”

You’re like, right next to it. Just go over there.

“No, I’m driving. Get in the car.”

Happy’s the best.

Colin:

I was about to say that they should have featured him more, but that’s probably why we still like him.

Colin:

She’s getting in the back seat? Some women, it seems, just like to be taken for a ride.

Battleship Bullshit, is what this is.

Why hasn’t someone shot a superhero movie in black and white? That would be pretty cool. Somebody needs to have balls within this genre.

Colin:

All this shit blowing up and all these people and I still don’t think I’ve seen one person die.

One of their aircraft is missing.

Again, purpose, anyone?

I find this suspect that the drone can’t tell the difference between the kid and Iron Man.

This kid is gonna get annihilated.

Colin:

That kid should be vapor.

Well that was convenient. That he happened to be flying past and see this.

REALLY?!

“Nice work, kid.”

Colin:

Why is that kid not vapor?

Meanwhile like twelve people just got murdered behind the camera by the other drones.

And that kid went on to be Justin Bieber.

Good job, Stark.

Colin:

Every child saved is a moral dilemma. 

Colin:

Did Hammer do the de-icing thing? Cause that’d be one way to thwart him. Guaranteed he’s faster and nimbler than Cheadle, and they probably can’t climb to that altitude. So we could just have a semi-repeat of the first movie.

Fly by the sponsors. Convenient.

Colin:

WEAPONS! Brought to you by Dr. Pepper!

Well, now that he’s not CEO, that’s technically not untrue.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow is Part V, and a shitty climax in an Asian garden.

(See the rest of Fun with Franchises here.)

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