Fun with Franchises: The Marvel Universe – Thor (2011), Part I — “John Jacob Jotunheimer Schmidt”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is Thor.

Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.

We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.

We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.

Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.

Right now, we’re doing the Marvel Universe, and today is the first part of Thor.

Colin:

Not really looking forward to this. Haven’t watched Thor for a long time. Saw it in theaters, hated it, someone paid for me to go again, so I did, still hated it. Then I think I saw it when people were watching it. Always hated it. So, here we go. Predictions, anyone?

We open on stars.

That’s the fourth boring opening shot in the franchise.

Some place in New Mexico. Who cares where, really.

Colin:

We start with a supertitle. Good sign.

Superhero movie. Makes sense.

People in a van, monitoring shit.

Is this Twister? Are we chasing storms?

So are they on roads, or just kind of going wherever?

Is this what happens in the middle of the country?

Whew boy, this sure is riveting.

Oh man, we’re blowing shit up!

Could be Natalie Portman, could be Keri Russell. Who can tell in the dark?

We can spot Stellan Skarsgard from anywhere, though.

Colin:

Stellan. Natalie.

“Wait for it.”

Oh, it’s Natalie.

She won an Oscar right as this movie was ready to come out.

Colin:

Fitting first line. What are we waiting for? A better movie?

We’re ten movies in, post-Iron Man, and I’m still waiting.

She also went to Harvard, in case you guys didn’t know that.

Colin:

As she exposits. Blah blah blah my research blah blah. Thanks for explaining everything about why you’re here to someone who knows why you’re here.

She’s the Trudy Beekman of astrophysicists.

But also, this is one of those things that studios (and writers) just don’t get. I understand it’s for the sake of the audience, but it’s so simple to find a way to do it better. I wish people got upset at shit like this as much as I do.

“Can I turn on the radio?”

“No.”

Well, jeez, Natalie. Quit being such a bitch.

“Jane, you can’t keep doing this.”

“The last seventeen occurrences have been predictable to the second.”

Is that an ultrasound?

Also, signal strength maximum? You’re really getting service out here?

“You’re an astrophysicist, not some storm chaser.”

Personally, I’d buy her more as a storm chaser than an astrophysicist. The fact that he had to say she was an astrophysicist makes me buy it even less.

Why are we still in the dark?

Colin:

These movies are in the habit of using the dark to make then seem…darker. It’s also because CGI looks more passable in the dark and because dramatic things happening during the day are harder to pull off.

Yeah, but there’s a point where you just don’t give a shit.

Oh, and there’s some kind of connection between the atmospheric disturbances and her research.

In case you didn’t think she was conceited.

“Erik, I wouldn’t ask you to fly out here unless I was absolutely sure.”

Wait, you made him fly out there? From where? I feel like you guys want to tell us where he came from. That sounds like something you’d do.

But also, you made him fly out for this. That’s so fucked up.

“Jane…”

Aww, like Tarzan.

“I think you wanna see this.”

Are you paid to think?

Also, isolate this dialogue and look at it on the page. How awful is it?

I’ll tell you how awful. Marvel awful.

That also could be Ned Beatty.

“What is that?”

Oh, god, please don’t let it be flying whales.

Colin:

Is Mace Windu finally hitting the ground?

Colin:

Is a Chinese myth dragon coming out of that?

Kenneth Branagh directed this movie, by the way. You know. The guy who directed Henry V.

“I thought you said it was a subtle aurora.”

That’s about as subtle as Marvel gets.

“Gooooooo!!!”

Optimus?

And we’re chasing the sky because…?

Colin:

“We three kings of Orient are…”

I feel like anything that involves Stellan Sarsgaard, two women, a video camera and a van will not end well.

Actually chasing storms, by the way.

What if she stumbled onto the Bin Laden raid?

Colin:

Zero: my interest in this movie; Dark: Marvel’s default lighting; Thirty: the number of minutes into this film you can get before your brains start seeping out of your ears.

Are those clouds shaped like a dick exploding jizz everywhere?

Is this was a Rorschach test is?

Colors.

This is what my toilet looks like.

This is what my sex tape looks like.

And now you’re dead.

By all means, just keep driving into the thing.

Colin:

Is this a Bud Lite commercial?

Dumb white woman stumbling heedlessly toward a guy who will bang her and disappear for six months? Sounds like exactly what Bud Lite brings about.

And Natalie continues to make her drive into it, because why not?

Colin:

“I’m not dying for some college credit.” See how the need to have some snarky dialogue overrides the actual emotion of whatever is happening?

Also, you don’t go to college. This is not how someone like Kat Dennings puts herself through college.

This looks kind of like a skeleton with a jet pack.

This looks nothing like what this transportation looks like during the rest of the movie.

And you just killed a guy.

Colin:

I’ve been that guy.

He’s a god, so technically this isn’t manslaughter.

What if this was I Know What You Did Last Summer 4? I’d be down for that.

Natalie either looks like she’s got a goatee or Joker lips.

Colin:

It’s the goatee. The Joker lips are elsewhere.

This is when everyone quietly realizes they have to just dump the body.

Colin:

Are there marshes in the Southwest?

When in doubt, cant it out. Is Kenneth Branagh’s mantra with this one.

We’ve all buried a hooker in Vegas.

“Do me a favor, don’t be dead.”

Said the astrophysicist.

That man knows a thing or two about burying bodies.

Okay. That served a purpose, I guess. Was that supposed to be him seeing her for the first time? Because we never see his face at all.

This is exactly what burying a body looks like.

And now we cut wide, because, sure.

And… title card!

Oh shit?! REALLY?!

Did you really go for the title card after that?

So the intro to this movie is Thor gets hit by a car.

Colin:

Wait, that’s your opening sequence?

Tonsberg sounds like what you should call the area that separates your testicles.

Colin:

Norway. As someone of partial Swedish ancestry, screw you guys. Actually, I don’t care. Heritage means nothing to white people. Norway’s cool I guess.

“Once, mankind accepted a simple truth.”

Oh, good. Anthony Hopkins doing voiceover.

Because clearly good storytelling is exactly what we’re going for here.

Colin:

And a voiceover. For when you’ve failed at visual storytelling and just want to move things along.

That is exactly what voiceover is usually for. For those of you trying to learn good filmmaking from two assholes on the internet.

Colin:

That’s the subtitle for this whole feature on the blog. “For Those Of You Trying To Learn Good Filmmaking From Two Assholes On The Internet.”

“That they were not alone in this universe.”

And Tonsberg is where they accepted that truth?

Were papers signed?

The Tonsberg Accords?

Colin:

I almost got my Tonsbergs out but the doctor said I didn’t have to.

My friend used to put peanut butter on his tonsbergs and… oh I forget. Something to do with the army.

Nice lights up there. Too bad we’re looking at fucking PEASANTS instead.

Colin:

Here comes the clapping.

Oh, yeah, and he says some shit about gods, or whatever.

We don’t care.

Thus came the Frost Giants.

(In Tonsberg? Or are we jumping dimensions? You haven’t really settled on a shot that makes sense at all so far. Mostly it’s a light of lightning and random shit in the dark.)

Colin:

More like ‘A Game of Groans,’ amirite?

Is that an iPad that shoots ice?

Colin:

Do they not regularly?

This is exactly how Frozen ended.

If you’re coming to earth to destroy shit… why Tonsberg?

Because it’s cold? And you’re used to it?

The Frost Giants Go West

Pretty great how people run toward things until they’re killed by them.

Yes, run away from the CGI.

Colin:

Makes you remember the deer asshole from Twilight.

If I had a nickel…

Colin:

So the Frost Giants come and freeze the Vikings or whomever, because Norway in 965 AD wasn’t already succeeding on that front.

They’re freezing peasants at this point, which I’m not opposed to.

Just like on Omaha Beach.

“Threatening to plunge the mortal world into a new ice age.”

Pretty sure if you’re doing it, it’s not threatening.

Colin:

Why do other planets keep jizzing plasma on Earth? Why does Earth always have to be the galactic splooge sponge?

I’d love it if alien life existed just to come to Earth and jizz on it.

Imagine if that’s how Signs ended. The alien is standing behind the TV, masturbating furiously. And then he jizzes on the floor and then they all just leave.

And he tally hos into the screen.

The first four minutes of this movie are so atrocious. Has there been one shot worth having in the bunch?

As much as I appreciate a tally ho and a cut to black.

“But humanity would not face this threat alone.”

Colin:

Are the Autobots coming?

Because Anthony Hopkins runs shit.

Look at his motherfuckin’ costume.

Colin:

Anthony Hopkins. Oooh, maybe I should turn this off and watch Remains of the Day. Is that not a fabulous movie?

Good thing those peasants can’t read or write, otherwise this would be in all the stone tablets.

Seriously, you control ice through a fucking tablet.

Colin:

You know iPads, always freezing!

You’d think people would have written about this in history.

“Hey, remember that time a bunch of ice monsters fought Viking looking people?”

I’d buy it if it were in the history and people were like, “Oh, those Norwegians… so drunk.”

Colin:

They’re really just doing a Lord of the Rings opening, if we’re honest. He’s doing the voiceover, he’s Elrond, there’s gonna be a fight between clean, white people and weird monsters…yeah. Lord of the Rings.

CGI made him look 50 again.

You look like Nightcrawler had a son who was a drug addict.

Henry V, guys.

Just saying.

This was almost cool for a second. People fighting against a stark black background.

Colin:

We started in the dark…and then flashed back to the dark. And the Dark Ages.

This is seriously what this movie is so far. Shots where you have no idea what the fuck is going on and don’t care about any of it.

You should never leap during a battle.

See?

You look like Xerxes and Piccolo had an AIDS baby.

Colin:

Don’t take that personally. Mike said that about Amy Winehouse.

Say what you will about Amy Winehouse, but she hasn’t had a drink in almost four years.

Colin:

I wouldn’t mind freezing to death, of all things.

He knows when to freeze his problems.

So if they’re frozen, why would you do that now? Are they in danger of unfreezing? Is there a way to unfreeze them? I feel like if you have magical ice capabilities that can freeze a person solid, they’re not gonna thaw out before that battle ends.

And wouldn’t it be more fun to go around and shatter all the frozen victims at the end? Because I think it would be.

Colin:

Have you ever smelled a Viking? Frozen Vikings are the best Vikings.

Yeah, but have you ever heard the phrase, “The only good viking is a dead viking?”

My third grade teacher used to say that at least four times a week.

Except she said Mexican instead of viking.

He’s moving the camera like we have any idea what the fuck is happening here.

Colin:

Did he just make an ice morning star? This really had to be exactly like Lord of the Rings, didn’t it? It’s like Lord of the Rings had a stupid ice baby with Game of Thrones.

I want that to be my power. To be able to conjure up things to hit people in the face with from ten yards away.

Oh good, a flamethrower dick.

Fire does x2 damage to ice.

Frost Giants got sent back to their home planet.

Which might look nice, but we just rush past it. Because apparently we need to lay out all this exposition so people can make sense of the universe rather than just showing us a good movie.

Colin:

I don’t see how you drive them back to their world. It’s not like they lose ground on Earth and then go back to their planet, is it? You’re either here or there.

How did they get here, exactly? The iPad?

Colin:

Cause it’s never day on ANY planet.

Shire? Baggins?

Is this the Frost Giant world?

Where are we? Earth? Asgard?

You haven’t told us otherwise, so I assume we’re in Tonsberg.

Colin:

They said they got driven back to “their world,” so I assume this is Jotunheim.

Their king fell.

And he can’t get up!!!!

Oh, was that him losing his eye before when he threw that ice ball at him? HA HA that’s awesome. “How’d you lose your eye?” “Snowball fight.”

Colin:

In that same vein, can we talk about how Loki is basically the fucked up backwards version of Will Ferrell from Elf?

Especially that part where he calls Thor a Cotton-Headed Ninnymuggins.

Of course they cut in to show you. Of course they did.

Fire for fire, water for water, earth for earth?

“The source of their power was taken from them.”

Couple of questions – why does their power need a source? You’re basically saying these are a bunch of savages who happened upon a magical ability and flew too close to the sun. And second, why the fuck does it need to be a physical object? How can you get power from a big box with a blue light inside it?

Colin:

1. WHAT’S IN THE BO-OOOXXXX?!; 2. Much like the All Spark, their entire planet has jack shit without one artifact powering everything, which makes you wonder how they ever existed before it showed up.

This is kind of like Indiana Jones. Savages living around a shithole with one idol that they think is the source of all their power. Only now we’re dealing with comic books, so it literally is the source of all their power.

It looks like Spider-Man came all over the side of that.

Did they macrame their icePad?

So they won, and then went home.

Colin:

So that was pretty simple. And not as good as Lord of the Rings.

This is basically America. People fuck shit up, America comes in, fucks them up, and then leaves them to chill in their ruins without any help of rebuilding.

So they transport instantly, but then we have to follow behind like the slow kid.

“To the realm eternal.”

Las Vegas.

Colin:

Is this a Katy Perry video?

That’s what he said about The Killing Fields.

“Asgard.”

Colin:

Asgard looks like the island from The Incredibles.

Everyone always overlooks the forgotten Frost Giant:

He’s… Nick Furious.

So is this a giant mountain in space?

Odin is basically Space Zeus.

Cute trick. Maybe don’t go so fucking fast next time.

Colin:

Oh, wait. That was the Asgardian anus. This is the top now. Looks like you could take a bonko through that planet’s core no problem.

Meesa know a shortcut.

Well that was an awful and obvious transition. From CG to more CG.

This is what Tattooine looked like in the special editions. Shit just flying by for no reason.

Colin:

That building is spinning pretty fast, and that would get really annoying.

Is that the guy who sells Bruce Willis his Chinese food?

To more CG.

Colin:

Metropolis?

What are we watching, guys? Seriously.

I remember this as being an entertaining movie, but right now, I rank this as one of the worst three Marvel movies ever. I honestly used to think this was better than The Incredible Hulk. But so far, this is way, way worse.

Colin:

Show me the homeless people.

Is what I say about every new place I visit.

I demand this of movie realms.

Why do we care about any of this? None of this is real.

Colin:

Okay, THIS looks like fucking Dinotopia. Or Naboo. Or actually, kind of like Alderaan as it appears in Revenge of the Sith.

Shitty?

“Here we remain as a beacon of hope.”

To whom?

Colin:

Hopkins is still doing his voiceover. Why are you in this movie, Anthony Hopkins? I hope you got paid a LOT to be comatose in this movie.

Doubtful. Word is they paid Mickey Rourke like $250,000 to be the villain in Iron Man. Marvel is cheap as fuck when it comes to actors. Meanwhile Downey is gonna get something insane for Civil War.

“Though we have fallen into man’s myth and legends, it was Asgard that brought peace.”

Colin:

Brought PEACE? What about what’s been going on since 965?

Butt stuff, mostly.

Superhero children are creepy looking.

Colin:

There’s a child with brown hair. He’s obviously bad. Brown haired children are bad. And we also find out that he’s an orphan with powers.

Oh, brown-haired child, you’ve really done it this time.

Are those spiders in there?

“But the day will come when one of you will have to defend that peace.”

Gee, I wonder which one that is.

“Do the Frost Giants still live?”

Asked the son of the Frost Giant.

“When I’m king, I’ll hunt the giants down and slay them all.”

Well that’s… a wildly different reaction from your brother’s.

“Yeesh…”

“A wise king never seeks out war. But, he must always be ready for it.”

Colin:

Ah. Wow. They really set this up in the first five minutes, didn’t they? Thor is impetuous, thinks killing is glorious, and it turns out that he needs to learn the lesson of compassion. Is that it? I honestly don’t remember anything about this except that Loki is evil (duh) and that Anthony Hopkins was in a coma. Oh, and that Thor and Natalie don’t actually bang.

Loki is the Niki Lauda of this family.

Colin:

I love that you made that comparison. Cause he is.

That’s a cool looking wall.

Oh look, a random cut to a hammer.

And he flat out tells the only one of them can be king.

Colin:

Both were born to be kings. Oh, because Loki is actually the bad prince, right? CLEVER.

This is why they got Branagh. He can bring out the Shakespearean conflict.

Pod race?

This actually looks like when Anakin and Natalie were led out to be killed.

Natalie has bad luck with alien planets.

Who are you playing to? You think your father has a sense of humor about showboating?

Canted angle!

Colin:

Wow, Mike wasn’t kidding. Lots of canted angles here, huh?

“Oh please.”

He definitely fucked her.

Rene Russo knows what I’m talking about.

Might want to get that mask checked out. It’s spreading.

Colin:

He is a prick. This much we know. Your father grows weary of your grandstanding.

If you were about to appoint your son king, and he showed up like this, why would you go through with it? This is like, “Yeah, I’m getting the keys to the house! Giant party in Odin’s coma room!”

Ugh. Peasants clapping.

Colin:

Why do peasants always clap? That’s all you’re good for, peasants. Even space peasants clap.

Even Space Peasants Clap.

I like an indoor palace that has water in the middle of places for no reason.

Also, where do all you people live? I don’t see many houses around here.

I love how he has a little baby hammer.

Hollywood close up.

Yeah, that’s not creepy. Winking at mom.

Colin:

This is the only place where it’s ever day, apparently. Plus, when we first showed up on this planet, we were on the other side, and it was day there too! What gives?

Logic.

Like the canted angles, but who the fuck are these guys?

Why are all our main characters standing right here in front?

Colin:

Samurai space Viking, Guy Pearce type space Viking, Gimli.

Silence, bitches. When I pound my staff that means shut the fuck up.

Colin:

Okay, that was the shit. Can I have a stick that silences peasants?

Symmetry.

“Thor…”

I’m wearing metal on my face.

Is what he should say next.

“Odin’s son.”

You’re Odin.

“My heir.”

Isn’t that why we’re here? I think we get that.

Sad Loki is sad.

“My first born.”

Why’d you cut to Rene Russo as you said that?

Also, your only born. Loki isn’t even yours. Unless you banged a Frost Giant.

Or unless we’re counting all those peasants you knocked up. But since this is nobility, that doesn’t count either. I’m sure there’s a bunch of legitimates out there who we never see.

“So long and trusted with the mighty hammer.”

So much dick imagery.

“Mjolnir.”

What a terrible name for a dick.

Might as well call it Tonsberg.

I hope somebody makes a “Mjol-negro” pun. Sup, mjolnegro?

“Forged in the heart of a dying star.”

What is this, The Natural?

Colin:

Fucking Redford is in this franchise, too. They get EVERYONE.

They haven’t gotten Walken yet.

(Fingers crossed for Black Panther.)

“It’s power has no equal.”

Except it does. Because otherwise he wouldn’t get his ass kicked the way he does.

Colin:

I think this is what it’ll be like when Adam Sandler wins a lifetime achievement award, and the presenter says that he’s arguably the funniest man of his generation, as they always do when giving out awards. Everyone’s thinking, “No…but get on with it.”

At least this presenter is saying “arguably.” Because technically Carrot Top is arguably the funniest man of his generation.

“It’s a weapon to destroy, or it’s a tool to build.”

Because it’s a hammer?

Is there gonna be a scene of Thor hammering nails? That’s how you build stuff. Also, we haven’t really seen any destruction happen at all.

We haven’t seen anything happen at all.

Colin:

He’s pretty much Fix-It Felix Jr. of this universe.

Why didn’t Jack MacBrayer play Thor?

“It is a fit companion for a king.”

Colin:

Halt. Hammer time. They have to explain it, because it’s pretty much the only thing about him that’s supernatural.

Also, a hammer, a fit companion for a king. Pretty sure the viking chick is a fit companion for a king.

She seems fun.

Colin:

At this point, the canted angles are almost over the top. Like, I’m glad there’s SOMETHING interesting, but it’s like making an entire cake out of frosting.

This is Marvel. I’ll take what I can get.

Wow, this movie doesn’t even give a fuck what he’s saying. They just pull away and go somewhere else and fade out what he’s saying. How can I want to pay attention in a movie that doesn’t even care about what it’s saying?

So unnecessary.

Also, is that a Transformer logo on that building?

Cerebro?

Colin:

Wait, did they just zoom into a solid wall and go through it to where the action is happening inside? Cause that’s MORE theft of Lord of the Rings intro stuff.

This is a weird thing to have in your basement.

Is this where Odin keeps his sex dungeon?

More symmetry. Less peasants.

Colin:

Oh, this is probably where the king keeps his side hoes.

Is that Mike Wazowski?

Are we stupidly setting up bullshit that will be important later?

So this is where he keeps all his important relics? In one place? That seems dangerous. Plus, he just comes down here and brings his kids.

This is a cool looking room, though. I wouldn’t mind if my office looked like this.

I’m assuming these things have meaning within the universe.

Dementor?

Lots of symmetry.

And the birds are real. I know because one of them is picking at its feathers because it’s as bored as I am.

“Do you swear to guard the nine realms?”

What are the nine realms? Where are they? Maybe explain that instead of explaining all that other bullshit.

Colin:

Maybe the peasants don’t know. So you can explain it for them.

Thor really went overboard with the shoulder pads.

“I swear.”

By the moon and the stars and the sky?

“And do you swear to preserve the peace?”

Yeah, I’m skipping this. Of course he does. What’s he gonna say, no?

He also pledges to give up all selfish ambition and do things for the good of the realm.

Colin:

Ceremonies always last a little too long and stuff doesn’t get done. Shouldn’t a notary have already taken care of whatever they’re doing?

We’re not really sure what this ceremony is. Presumably he’s about to become king, which is weird that Odin is just gonna do it even though he’s clearly not ready for it. And then throughout the rest of the movies, Odin keeps saying shit that hints that he won’t be king until he dies. So I’m not sure what the rules are for succession here.

Huzzah.

“On this day, I, Odin, all-father, proclaim you –”

You don’t deserve to live.

Moron.

Colin:

Faces under the ice. There’s one that Jackson took back for Battle of the Five Armies.

Frost slap!

“Frost Giants.”

He proclaims him Frost Giants?

Colin:

Is his Odin-sense tingling? Side note: do you think Al Franken tells Senate colleagues that his Franken-sense is tingling? If not, he doesn’t deserve the office.

Franken-sense for Mir-ica.

But seriously, what was he about to proclaim him? He was this close to being king before shit started, and then after we see him earn it twice over, he’s still not king and not even close to becoming king.

And also how did Anthony Hopkins know the Frost Giants are there?

Colin:

No! They’ve taken the All-Spark! Er, the Heart of the Ocean! Some Unobtanium? Anyway, they’ve got it.

So that’s a thing?

Colin:

In this franchise, the answer to that question is always, “Yes, let’s get on with it.”

Is that thing always just behind that door?

Because that’s a dangerous thing to have hiding behind the door when your kids run around down here.

You look like if one of the Avatar people had sex with the I Am Legend vampires.

Is that safe for the rest of this room?

That’s a hell of a security system.

Colin:

A stick that silences peasants AND summons death robots. This man truly has everything.

He can also go into a coma whenever he wants to. So if his wife is nagging him, “Sorry bitch, Odin sleep!”

I’d get out of so many soccer games that way.

“Mike, you can’t coma yourself away from your obligations.”

Watch me.

Awesome location.

This looks like the prologue of a movie where a family abandons their baby by the docks before they get killed by the crazy, genocidal clergyman in 19th century Europe.

Have you guys seen The Karate Kid?

This looks kinda cool. I guess.

“They must pay for what they have done.”

Colin:

Yeah, so he’s the trigger-happy (hammer-happy?) prince who wants to annihilate all enemies, but his father is trying to show him patience and prudence and all that. So he’ll do something rash, be cast out, learn compassion, come back, be king. Right? It’s all coming back.

I hope they leave those bodies just laying there.

“They have paid. With their lives.”

I want to set that up outside my house.

Honestly, he was terrible at his job. Do not mourn the stupid.

Loki has a haircut in this movie.

I’ll say it now. This whole beginning has some Godfather vibes to it. Mostly I’m thinking about the father retiring and giving his son the job, and giving him advice even though he’s retired. And then something bad happening at a party that happens at the beginning of the movie, that we later find out the other son probably had something to do with.

It’s like The Godfather, only shitty.

Colin:

Oh wow. Did not even notice that. This movie is like a Bermuda Triangle for brain waves.

“The Destroyer did its work, the Casket is safe and all is well.”

The Casket?! That’s what it’s called? I feel like comic book writers come up with terrible names for things and then everyone has to abide by them because nerds hold that shit sacred. What a terrible name.

But they broke in. If they stole even one thing here…

“They didn’t.”

“Well I want to know why.”

Reaction shots.

“I have a truce with Laufey, king of the Jotuns.”

Jotuns? Is that Norse for Jews?

Also, why do you have a truce? Did we know this? That’s a weird thing to be kept secret from your family for hundreds of years.

And how does that work? These people live way longer than people do, yet they grow old and die. So what’s their maturation process like? Thor’s been an arrogant prick for like 500 years, and only now becomes a man?

Also the presumption is that Thor was a baby, and then Odin found Loki and adopted him too. So Thor is, at the very least, 1060 years old. And based on the look of this movie, is still only really in his 20s.

“He just broke your truce!”

Did he? He’s not here. And what were the terms of the truce? What if the truce was like, “We bang each other’s wives every ten years”? This could have nothing to do with the truce.

“What action would you take?”

“March into Jotunheim as you once did.”

Jotunheim. That sounds racist.

March is also a strong term. You were teleported.

“Teach them a lesson.”

It’s crazy how obviously single-minded he is.

Colin:

This audience can’t appreciate added depth unless the starting point is zero depth.

He tells him that’s an act of war. Thor says them coming here is an act of war.

“Of a few. Doomed to fail.”

“Look how far they got!”

Not very.

Honestly it’s your fault for having everyone at this ceremony. Any other day, they don’t get anywhere, because people are actually guarding shit.

This is all he’s done so far. And I love it.

I’m Thor, and here’s my mad face.

Grrr.

“You will find the breach in our defenses, and it will be sealed.”

He does not, he cannot, and it is not.

“As king of Asgard…”

“But you’re not king!”

Really? You think you’re king already? He didn’t even finish the ceremony.

This is all very Shakespearean, though. Fathers, sons, war and shit.

Colin:

But no James Earl Jones. Why?

Not many blacks on Asgard. The only one they have operates the elevator. Nobody talks about that.

Dad just pulled out his giant Mjolnir and slapped you in the face with it.

“Not yet.”

And he rubbed his Tonsberg all over your face.

“Bitch.”

You were one word away from being king.

But at least now you’ve been proclaimed Frost Giants. That’s something, right?

TABLE FLIP!

That’s one hell of a table flip.

Colin:

Sorry, that table flip just upped this movie a whole star. Holy fuck. If they made it a running thing of him constantly flipping tables, I would give this movie all the stars. That was glorious.

Really? You’re still fuming here?

That’s like, a whole feast, too. Wouldn’t you have turned something over back downstairs?

You look like a spoiled child. Quit being such a little bitch.

Though all this does is point to Odin’s failings as a parent.

Colin:

…Gladiator? Sorry, I was trapped in the Brainmuda Triangle again. You mentioned ‘failings as a [father] and I jumped to Richard Harris.

Odin should have Mufasa taught him.

Wow. And you sit down to sulk.

Why not go crying to mom?

What exactly does mom do all day, anyway?

What’s her cause? Every queen and first lady has to have a cause to keep her busy. What’s hers?

Nice, Loki. Way to hide behind a pillar.

“It’s unwise to be in my company right now, brother.”

“This was to be my day of triumph.”

Over what? Your father? The throne? No one’s explaining what this day was for.

“It’ll come. In time.”

Colin:

Where do they get space leather? Are there space cows? Can we see them?

I’m not one of those weirdos who knows about space leather.

“What’s this?”

The peanut gallery?

“If it’s any consolation, I think you’re right.”

Nice how you just completely ignore your friends.

Colin:

Popular kids get to disregard their friends periodically without fear of reproach.

“About the Frost Giants, about Laufey, about everything.”

Can’t let the cheese go to waste.

Colin:

Gimli likes food. Surprise surprise. Hey, that’s Ray Stevenson from Rome. Great series if you like Roman history and titties and backstabbing (figurative and literal).

That’s really all you need if you want a period piece to be good: titties and backstabbing.

This movie needs more titties.

“If they penetrate Asgard’s defenses once, who’s to say they won’t try again? Next time with an army.”

Colin:

Sorry, he said ‘penetrate.’

Who said they penetrated the defenses? Maybe the front door was open. Remember how you were supposed to check on that?

Slick.

Colin:

And now the part where Boromir tells us how Yodenheim is treacherous. The very air you breathe is a poisonous gas. And the great eye sees all.

Idris Elba?

Also, from the looks of it, one simply does simply walk into Jotunheim.

“There’s nothing you can do without defying father.”

“It’s the only way to ensure the safety of our borders.”

“It’s madness.”

“Madness? What sort of madness?”

He likes cheese, but not as much as killing people.

“We’re going to Jotunheim.”

Colin:

ROAD TRIP!

Bring your green hat, Loki!

He’s such a sneaky little bastard. I love it.

I don’t like you and your hipster moustache.

His father went in and fucked them up. They’re just gonna go see what’s going on.

“It is forbidden.”

Colin:

I don’t know why women enjoy the word ‘forbidden’ so much.

Because women, more so than men, enjoy setting boundaries that can be broken. It’s why Fifty Shades was so popular. Enjoyment of what’s considered off limits. Isn’t that why they came up with the Eden story when they made up the Bible?

Man, that would be a fun story to tell. The writer’s room that created the Bible.

I mean, because admit it — it’s kind of Sorkian. With the repeated tropes and inability to understand women.

Reaction shots.

I love that all the shit from this table is just on the floor as he’s like, “Come on, guys!”

Oh, right, the Asian guy’s there too.

They have names. Hipster guys is Fandral (of course he is. Foppish fuck) and Asian is Hogun.

Colin:

“And who decided that we needed an Asian guy and a woman in a Viking movie for diversity reasons?” The producers, probably. This is one of those cases where it backfires. All the movies where they could easily have more diversity and don’t, and then there’s this one where it makes little sense and you can tell that it was done grudgingly.

He’s Volstagg. Clearly going to be our favorite.

Also, Thor pulls that, “Who did (this)?” bullshit, basically to build a case for himself. Naturally they all agree.

She wants to bang him, so that doesn’t count. She was already in.

Still, shouldn’t they be like, “Yeah, we get it, Thor, you’re awesome, but we’re not fucking with your father.”

“Who proved wrong all who scoffed at the idea that a maiden could be one of the fiercest warriors this realm has ever seen?”

“I did.”

“True, but I supported you, Sif.”

This motherfucker’s just making a cheese sandwich.

“My friends, we’re going to Jotunheim.”

That’s all it took? Really?

So CGI.

Colin:

And helicopter shots as the team runs with their swords, chasing the orcs who captured their hobbit companions, or whatever.

Didn’t they take the hobbits to Asgard?

Does no one live here?

Colin:

Does Asgard have insurance companies? I don’t get why they have skyscrapers.

Is he covered for Odin Sleep? What’s the co-pay on that?

This is offensively bad.

Colin:

This is supposed to be offensively Greek.

You’re just parading CGI around for the sake of it.

Is Odin not paying any attention to what they’re doing right now? I mean, if you know your son has a knack for impulsive decisions, and you just told him not to attack some people and bitch slapped him in front of everyone, I feel like you should watch him to make sure he doesn’t go off to do something stupid.

At world’s end?

And what’s with Rainbow Road?

Colin:

This bridge looks slippery. Also looks like Rainbow Road from Mario Kart Wii. That was my best track, drunk or sober. I had a great evening in college, coming back to the dorm wasted while people were playing Mario Kart and I still got 1^st place on Rainbow Road, using the remote when they were using GameCube controllers. I don’t know how it isn’t easier for people.

Okay, their port is a giant helmet. That’s actually kinda cool.

Why’d you get off your horses so far away? He knows you’re coming.

Colin:

Seriously, with the canted vertical pans. I think canted shots are going to be this movie’s version of Lucas’ wipes. We started out all excited, and by the middle of the first movie, we were like, “Does he know another way to end a scene?”

And from this angle, that could be Kim Kardashian’s ass.

Alba was I, ere I saw Elba.

You shall not pass.

“Leave this to me.’

“Jus’ hang loose, blood. She gonna catch ya up on da rebound on da med side.”

“Loki, get the fuck out of my face before I slap the shit out of you.”

“You think that you can deceive me?”

“You must be mistaken.”

Colin:

This might be the most blatant use of the Magic Negro trope I’ve ever seen. Okay, in this century.

Whoopi Goldberg in Ghost. She won an Oscar for playing a literal magic negro.

I’ll give you the “this century” if we’re starting from 2000.

Bagger Vance is 2000, though, so we’re close.

Colin:

This is why we have Mike, you guys. He’s like our very own sherpa on Shit Mountain.

“Enough!”

“Heimdall, may we pass?”

“Never.”

That seems harsh.

“Has an enemy slipped my watch until this day.”

Well, it’s just you. Maybe… get more guys?

“I wish to know how that happened.”

So… let us pass, and we’ll find out for you.

“Then tell no one where we’ve gone until we’ve returned. Understand?”

No promises were made here.

Also, just because you fucked up means you’re going to disobey the king?

“What happened? Silver tongue turned to lead?”

I like what Branagh’s doing with the camera, the problem is these aren’t real sets. So I don’t care.

Colin:

They got to have fun with this set design, though, I’ll give them that.

Odin senses Frost Giants, yet has no idea this is happening.

Big fan of lightning.

Seriously, what is Odin doing right now to not notice this?

Colin:

There’s always a spinny thing. Remember Contact?

“Be warned, I will honor my sworn oath to protect this land as its gatekeeper.”

And that means… what?

“If your return threatens the safety of Asgard, the Bifrost will remain closed.”

Bifrost?

“And you will be left to die in the cold waste of Jotunheim.”

He knows where they’re going?

“Can’t you just leave the bridge open for us?”

Shouldn’t you know this by now?

“To leave the bridge open would unleash the full power of the Bifrost and destroy Jotunheim with you upon it.”

Seems weird that he would just volunteer this information. You could just say no and leave it at that. Or, “I’ll do my job, you do yours.”

Colin:

So this is where they have to explain the whole bi-frost thing and how it destroys planets if you leave it on, and all that. Haven’t they fought many battles? Don’t they know this? I guess you have to get it out there, but it feels clumsy.

It is clumsy, especially since this is almost iambic.

“I have no plans to die today.”

Plans don’t change likelihood.

“None do.”

Colin:

Nobody has plans to die today? What about like….Kurt Cobain?

I’m not sure if he had the plan so much as the inkling.

He seems sensible. Just not a fan of him giving up what will clearly be important plot information later on for the hell of it.

Crazy how Loki just goes with them.

You think they get drunk and go to other worlds? I’d do that.

Into the shitty tube we go.

Colin:

This could be from a James Bond credits sequence and you would never know.

This could be from a colonoscopy and you’d never know.

Colin:

Which filter were you using? Lo-Fi? These idiots don’t know how to Instagram.

Thor does. Just wait til he gets to that diner.

As this is all happening, and I couldn’t care less, I couldn’t help but think about the opening of this movie. Where Thor gets hit by a car. And then I thought, “How exactly are we going to tie back into that?” and then, “Why did they bother showing it to us in the first place?” Why not just show it as it happens? And then I thought, “Hey, wait, they haven’t shown us a title card yet.” And then I thought, “Is this gonna be a Departed thing, where they wait 20 minutes to put it on screen? That would be presumptuous.” And then I thought, “Wow, wouldn’t that be shitty, to suddenly pop back and go, “So this is where we came in?” even though we don’t give a shit about any of that stuff?”

All of this happened during this weird ass beaming exercise.

Colin:

That was weird, but…I dunno, okay, I guess.

Welcome to the shithole. Does this look like a place that’s gonna go to war with you anytime soon?

What exactly are you planning on finding out? Is this the moment you realized you probably shouldn’t have come here?

The sky looks nice. So this planet has that going for it. Which is ice.

So how are you getting across? Gonna float like Rudolph on the ice?

I don’t like you.

I like stalactites.

Colin:

I like this planet, but it needs some lights.

“We shouldn’t be here.”

Do you have a bad feeling about this?

Colin:

“We shouldn’t be here.” You know, for when you need something that says I’ve got a bad feeling about this without using those exact words.

Does no one live here either?

How many Frost Giants are left? Do we ever find out?

Your planet is falling apart.

“We shall go through the mines.”

Colin:

Oh my god I’m bored you guys.

This looks like a set. I just got more interested.

Oh, no. Back to the CGI.

“Where are they?”

“Hiding. As cowards will always do.”

Sure.

“You’ve come a long way to die, Asgardians.”

Yeah, but it was basically the same as taking a train from Union Square to Grand Central. You know who came a long way to die? Indiana Jones. He had to take three planes and a boat to get where he was going. If your trip requires map travel, then you’ve gone too far to die.

“I am Thor, Odin’s son.”

“We know who you are.”

John Jacob Jotunheimer Schmidt.

“How did your people get into Asgard?”

And he’s just gonna tell you that?

“The side door. It was unlocked.”

Okay, just look at us, then.

“The house of Odin is full of traitors.”

No… just one.

“Your father is a murderer and a thief.”

Isn’t that what Gollum called himself?

“And why did you come here? To make peace? You long for battle. You crave it. You’re nothing but a boy. Trying to prove himself a man.”

Colin:

If they have a truce, wouldn’t there be like a bi-frost airport that you could show up to? I thought they had peace, so why does it feel like war? Especially if the attack was only on the part of a few renegades.

“This boy has grown tired of your mockery.”

Y’all are surrounded.

Colin:

This is boring. It’s all setting up what needs to be done. They’re going to fight. Thor will be in trouble.

Ice shiv!

“Thor, stop and think. Look around you. We’re outnumbered.”

“Know your place, brother.”

That’s a dick thing to say.

“You know not what your actions would unleash. I do.”

“Go now. While I still allow it.”

Cool.

Now’s the time to just go. You got your answer.

“We will accept your most gracious offer.”

“You motherfucker…”

Anger.

“Run back home, princess.”

Colin:

Someone always has to provoke them. He can’t stand it when people call him chicken.

“Damn.”

YEAH!

Hammer of the Gods.

How’d you get that up your sleeve?

That’s a pretty easy way to kill a king.

In fact it’s pretty… Lauf-able.

“Next.”

Colin:

Marvel: fewer fight scenes in the dark.

That was a note and not a subtitle. In case you guys thought that’s what they had lots of.

Okay.

Technically this is all Laufey’s fault.

Colin:

Sort of like the Hulk fight, it’s too dark to see what’s going on. I wonder if that’s how they cover up CGI that isn’t perfect.

“At least make it a challenge for me.”

TALLY HO!

You can do that?

“OPTIMUS!”

Okay, just yell back.

“That’s more like it.”

Colin:

I wished more things boomeranged.

That’s a neat trick.

Colin:

They’re going to show us all of their skills now, is that it? He can do stuff with the hammer (there must be a porno), she can…I dunno. Fight. Loki can project his image.

I like that they can manipulate ice.

Too bad they don’t matter and only exist to be killed.

“Don’t let ‘em touch you!”

Colin:

Well obviously you don’t want them touching you. They probably just wax their icicles all day and I see no running water for hand washing.

What else can you don on this planet except wax your icicle?

So he’s one of them too. Somehow. Never explained, really.

Guess he can just shape shift and that’s the explanation.

Colin:

So he’s a Frost Giant who’s kinda smaller and white? I don’t get it, is he like the Michael Jackson of Frost Giants? How does that work?

Colin:

This would be like if Rick Santorum found out he was gay.

I hope that’s not his jerkoff hand. Nobody wants their jerkoff hand to turn blue.

I really don’t like you.

Please somebody kill this fuck right now.

YES!!!!

Holy shit, does he really die here? Because that would be AMAZING.

Colin:

They’re out, he’s having fun. But Guy got pierced. Oops.

This face.

No, don’t save him! Let him die!

(I’d also like to point out that I’m not wrong with this guy. He was the only one they recast for the second movie. It seems he was as terrible as I think he is.)

Colin:

And I didn’t notice, so that seems to have been a perfectly acceptable choice.

“We must go!”

“Then go!”

Hammer throw.

So the “camera” just went through that guy’s stomach.

Colin:

That’s why you always run serpentine. He just picked up the spare.

So you just keep those things frozen and the first thing they do when unfrozen is kill?

I have nothing to say about any of this. This is awful.

And you can barely see it.

Lotta Optimus screams here.

Creatures always need to step forward and yell.

Colin:

Where was that thing the last time around?

Colin:

Spinning the hammer and spraying ice. I like how he’s just ad-libbing at this point.

Where do you people live? Because this is a planet. And there are like, a couple dozen of you guys.

Does that just work?

You’re killing an entire race of people just because three of them broke into your house.

This is a hate crime.

Colin:

The act, or the film?

Little of column a, little of column b.

I really don’t like you.

Colin:

Of course it can run under the ice, because who even gives a shit at this point right?

Exactly. I’ve completely stopped caring. Especially since the only point of this is to get him thrown out.

“Heimdall, open the bridge.”

Give me the blood, Eli.

So throw the hammer through his head.

Or fly.

I guess.

Interesting camera flip here.

Isn’t this where An Unexpected Journey ended?

That’s a lot of blood.

Colin:

That was pretty badass. I want to fly my hammercopter through a monster’s throat.

How are you not covered in anything?

“You came to the wrong neighborhood, motherfucker.”

Colin:

Y’all are just always surrounded.

Wait, what? You wouldn’t open the portal if it endangered Asgard. One giant beast and you don’t open, but a thousand frost giants running toward it, and sure?

Colin: