Fun with Franchises: The Marvel Universe – Thor (2011), Part II — “Aww… His Name Really IS Your Name Too!”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is Thor.

Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.

We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.

We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.

Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.

Right now, we’re doing the Marvel Universe, and today is the second part of Thor.

Thor - Title Card

We begin Part II in the spinny helmet thing.

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“Why did you bring us back?”

What kind of question is that? “Why did you stop us from being killed?”

“Do you realize what you’ve done? What you’ve started?”

No. What have you done? How can they even get here without that portal opening? Sure, they know about the secret passageways, but do you? I don’t see how shit’s that bad.

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“I was protecting my home.”

“You cannot even protect your friends. How can you hope to protect your kingdom?”

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“Get him to the healing room now!”

There’s a healing room?

Are there naked chicks in there? I feel like that’s how vikings heal.

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Somehow Loki isn’t implicated in any of this.

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Thor says the Jotuns must learn to fear him.

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“That’s pride and vanity talking, not leadership.”

Colin:

They’re having the arguments we knew they were going to have, because he’s impetuous and dad seems disillusioned.

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“While you wait and be patient, the nine realms laugh at us.”

How do you know?

Colin:

Earth is one of them. And nobody on Earth is laughing at you. 

Are you not counting us?

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“You are a vain, greedy, cruel boy.”

Colin:

Okay, Hopkins brings the anger and puts some bass in the voice, which is nice. Gotta be forceful when you disrobe a Viking.

That’s the great thing about these Shakespearean arguments — people really say what they mean. How many movies do you see where a father calls his son “cruel”?

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“And you are an old man and a fool!”

Glad to see we’re doing well here.

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“Yes, I was a fool. To think you were ready.”

Dude was riling up peasants as he was walking up the aisle to become king. That didn’t tip you off?

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“Father…”

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What the fuck noise was that?

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“Thor, Odin’s son, you have betrayed the express command of your king.”

Which apparently gets done a lot around here.

How come Idris Elba isn’t in trouble? He let him go. I guess because he didn’t forbid anyone to leave. Still, he should get a talking-to, because he let Thor put himself in a stupid position.

Was it Elba who tipped Odin off? How did he find out? Do they ever tell us?

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“Through your arrogance and stupidity, you have opened these peaceful realms and innocent lives to the horror and desolation of war.”

Not really. You’re assuming the rest of them know how to get in.

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Big fan of this lightning.

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“You are unworthy of these realms.”

Well, that’s not entirely true. He may not be worth to rule these realms, but there’s no way, even with this, he’s not better than at least 27% of the peasants.

Also, which realms? All nine? Because apparently he’s worthy of one of the realms.

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Uh oh, there’s the badge. The gun comes next.

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“You are unworthy of your title.”

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“You are unworthy of the loved ones you have betrayed.”

Colin:

How much better would this have been if Anthony Hopkins had worked himself into a rage listing all the things that Thor is unworthy of? And then he’d end the list with, “YOU ARE UNWORTHY!” I’m serious, you guys. Give us money and we’ll fix your script.

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“I now take from you your power.”

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That was easy.

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He casts him out, too.

Colin:

Just once in my life, I want to cast something out.

You mean something like Saruman, right, and not a fishing line?

Or a chick. That’s a fun thing to do. Cast them out of your apartment.

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Colin:

Is that not death? Look at that Midas jizz.

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Apparently that just burned his robes off.

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Into the shitty tube we go again.

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I can’t tell if this is genuine or not. It looks genuine.

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“Ayo baby, let me holla at you right quick.”

Colin:

This is the part where Anthony Hopkins covers a song by The Ying Yang Twins.

Just like in Magic.

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“Who shall ever hold this hammer, if he be worthy, shall possess the power of Thor.”

Who’s defining worthy? The hammer?

Colin:

Can he just curse the hammer like that? Can we talk about how great it would be to be able to curse shit so nobody could pick it up unless they were a certain person?

A lot of shit just works because we assume he can do it.

I guess that’s why you cast Anthony Hopkins.

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Kiss the hammer.

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Kobe!

Also, oh my god, Idris Elba looks like 60s rear projection back there. That’s pretty awesome.

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Nice pan.

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So can we talk about how that hammer doesn’t land where he lands, even though the portal seems to point only in one spot?

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Falling through space must be fun.

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Shouldn’t you just cut to this stuff now?

Is it because it’s too long?

It’s still pointless.

Colin:

Oh, right. Natalie.

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Is that on the van later?

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“Do me a favor, don’t be dead.”

You wouldn’t like me when I’m dead?

Colin:

She has no blue shit left to bring.

I need to have a bottle of blue shit in my house. Just for life. Always sitting there. Ready.

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He magically is wearing people clothes?

Look at him! He thinks he’s people!

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“Whoa. Does he need CPR, because I totally know CPR.”

Colin:

“ZOMG HUNK”

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I often want to bang the first person I see when my father casts me out of my realm and strips me of my powers.

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Did he just cum?

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“Where did he come from?”

His… Thor hole? Does he not have a dick?

Oh, you mean…

Well, there was a giant dust cloud that came out of nowhere and disappeared almost immediately. It’s either that, or the town just up the road. It’s fucking New Mexico. All bets are off.

Colin:

I’ve been to New Mexico. You know those Roadrunner cartoons? It’s basically that, only the Acme Corporation has gone bust and there are more unemployed people.

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Stellan Skarsgard knows what I’m talking about.

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“Are you all right?”

“Hammer.”

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“Yeah, we can tell you’re hammered.”

Colin:

I’m not gonna lie, I’ve yelled crazier things while drunk. Mike’s been there.

I was shouting them too.

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She wants to study some shit.

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“Jane, we have to take him to the hospital.”

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“Father!”

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“He’s fine, look at him.”

That’s a good friend move. “Mike’s fine, look at him!” “He just asked his girlfriend if she was single.”

“Heimdall, I know you can hear me, open the Bifrost.”

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“Hospital. You go, I’ll stay.”

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“You – what realm is this?”

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“New Mexico.”

Your taser has a laser sight on it?

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“You dare threaten me, Thor, with so puny a weapon?”

Why did you have to say your name? Wouldn’t it play into the scene for you not to do that? Also, the fact that they haven’t yet picked up on the Thor stuff means we’re dealing with an Idiot Plot.

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You guys remember cumming for the first time?

Colin:

I’m so glad that became one of our lines.

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She makes that face even though she’s the one who hit him with the car.

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“What? He was freaking me out.”

Colin:

She just tased him? Is he just a straight up mortal right now, with none of the powers?

I’m not really sure what his powers are normally. It pretty much seems like the hammer. I haven’t seen Thor shot at ever. I don’t know what those rules are.

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“Next time you taser somebody, make sure he’s already in the car, okay?”

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Colin:

Also, how long is he in transit? Because she was able to see the “disturbances” and then drive all the way out here just for him to land, even though it seemed like a spur of the moment thing in Asgard.

That might have just been the Bifrost being opened and creating the lights. Them going to Jotunheim, Hopkins coming down, taking them out, throwing him out — this all happened in a pretty quick span of time. And would actually stand to reason that they’d be following the data (whatever data that is, that somehow the U.S. government isn’t able to follow. Because remember kids, she develops a theory and becomes world renowned for this research in the next movie).

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“Jane!”

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Hammer.

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Boy, these shots are riveting.

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I appreciate him canting these shots. Because if he didn’t cant them, they’d be boring establishing shots that annoyed me.

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“Name?”

“He said it was Thor.”

“Thor?”

“From fucking your mother’s pussy all night.”

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Colin:

Oh, Natalie. You’ve got a bad track record in Fun With Franchises.

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“T-H-O-R. And your relationship to him.”

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“I’ve never met him before.”

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“Until she hit him with a car.”

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“I grazed him. But she tasered him.”

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“Yes I did.”

Weird how humans in this movie exist purely as comic relief. This almost becomes the Transformers argument — so just don’t put them in there, because the other stuff is more interesting.

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Fish eye.

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“Hi.”

Nerdy Neal McDonough.

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They’re just taking a little blood.

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Facial expressions.

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“How dare you attack the son of Odin.”

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Colin:

Yes. Okay, I might just enjoy this because he’s roughing up an examination room with people in it.

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This is amusing.

Colin:

Some Republicans probably use this as proof of Obama’s death panels.

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“You are no match for the mighty –”

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Colin:

That was timed pretty well.

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Colin:

How much would you cheer if this turned into an episode of House right now? Just, Massive Attack. “Patient presents with psychosis. Thinks he’s a god.” Taub suggests fungus. Chase counters that there’s no use in pursuing environmental factors because they don’t know who he is and therefore don’t have an environment to check for toxins. House makes a crack about scouring the Nine Realms and being Thor-ough about it.

I really wish House was still a show and that they’d hire me to write for it. I’m really good at it.

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Hey, remember where the last movie ended, teaser-wise?

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Colin:

There’s always a shitty old pickup.

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Wow, Coulson, you really put on a few.

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Wouldn’t it have been cooler if it were John Ratzenberger?

(P.S. I say that about all of the characters in this movie.)

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Sword in the Stone bullshit.

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Why isn’t he worthy?

What did he do? Bang his daughter’s high school friend?

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Colin:

“Gee. I can’t pick it up. Maybe I should call some friends and we can tailgate this sucker.” 

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Population of 2,000 people, but they have a 7-Eleven.

Colin:

Branagh’s like, “OMG I just cant.” White girls and cinematography.

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“Land of Enchantment… Journey into Mystery.”

Yeah, I’m sure you’d have a billboard like that in a town that America doesn’t even know exists.

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Natalie thinks she’s found something important.

She’s pretty pleased with herself. Probably because she went to Harvard.

Colin:

A lot of my friends went to Harvard. Still go to Harvard, for that matter. And yes. They’re pleased with themselves. Harvard-going sons of bitches.

Harvard is the CSS of schools. (Colin knows what I’m talking about.)

Kat Dennings asks questions so we can get exposition.

They explain this by saying she was the only applicant for the internship, even though she was a political science major. Honestly, at this point, this is the least of my problems.

Colin:

She was the only applicant? Why does a political science major apply to come to the middle of New Mexico to work with crazy people?

Still not gonna bother with the exposition, though.

Wormhole, is the short answer.

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The stars in the sky weren’t our stars.

Colin:

What about our stars, though? Was there a fault in them?

I’m less interested in that than in how they managed to get such a great office in this tiny ass town with, what I’m guessing are no funds whatsoever, since it’s some crazy scientific thing that even Stellan Starsgard thinks is crazy, and they only had one intern applicant. I feel like if these were reputable scientists who actually were doing something logical, they’d get the grant money necessary to do this, and have people lining up to work for them just to have their names on the research. So how did they manage to get a lab this nice looking?

Colin:

I think it’s because it’s New Mexico. It’s one of those things where people writing grant checks are in New York and San Francisco or wherever, and they don’t realize that the monthly rent on this place is $30 and an Altoid because they’re in New Mexico’s eighth shittiest town.

Fun fact: New Mexico’s eighth shittiest town as also it’s third best.

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She shows them this.

Which somehow nobody noticed before?

Didn’t someone put that up? Didn’t someone develop that? How do you not clearly see a body in those photos?

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“I think I left something at the hospital.”

Colin:

She left something at the hospital. Was it….HER misunderstanding?

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Sure. Couldn’t be an aberration at all.

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Wait, so this guy threw around like twelve doctors before you injected him, and you just put some ties on him and leave him alone? Not a single guard outside his room? Really?

Colin:

I’m just going to give them the credit (because this is my second go-round and I’m being super generous with everything I see deserving of mention) for making that cut from the picture of him to him in the bed in the same shape, and from the same perspective. That’s called a visual match, and it’s above the bare minimum that we expect from movies. Congratulations, you did something good.

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And no one hears him struggling to get out?

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Really? How do you not tie those tight enough to where he can’t do that?

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It’s great that he’s canting the angles of shots that don’t matter. It makes me marginally more interested in bullshit shots.

Colin:

Which is making this more interesting. It’d be better if he wasn’t canting the more important shots of main characters and stuff. If he wasn’t canting everything, and was only doing it for the boring stuff, I’d appreciate it more.

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WHAT?! You’re taking statements from doctors and not paying attention to the guy who did it?!

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And they’re allowed to just walk into the hospital and no one stops them?

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The door is wide open and yet somehow they’re the first people to figure this out.

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Colin:

I’ll appreciate that they did an overhead shot here.

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“I just lost my most important piece of evidence.”

Did you? You put him in the hospital, and he escaped on his own. Technically the inept police force lost your most important piece of evidence. You actually did nothing wrong here. You almost did, when you were gonna leave him alone and not bring him to a hospital. But you brought him to a hospital. Short of bringing him with you, which you had no reason to do, or bringing him to the police, which you had no reason to do, the fuck up was entirely out of your hands.

“Typical.”

Typical? What kind of scientist are you that finds failure typical?

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Now they need to find him.

Stellan Skarsgard (did we ever get his or Kat Dennings’ name in this? I know he’s Erik, but that’s based on having seen these movies. I think they maybe mentioned it once in passing, in the first twelve seconds of the movie, but I don’t think they ever said her name) says he doesn’t know if finding him is a good idea.

Colin:

She’s Darcy. Which makes me think of Mr. Darcy. Which makes me think of Wishbone. Most things lead to Wishbone eventually.

But have they actually spoken her name in the film up to this point?

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“Well, our data can’t tell us what it was like to be inside that event but he can, so we’re gonna find him.”

Sure. Might be homicidal, but it’s science, so fuck it.

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“Okay.”

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“Good luck trying to find him in New Mexico.”

But this town is 2,000 people. Clearly he hasn’t been gone for long. The police don’t even know.

Colin:

I’d like to live in a town like this for like…4 hours. Just to see what it’s like.

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Found him.

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Colin:

He’s escaped…and she hits him with the car. Of course. What a pussy he is in mortal form.

Pretty crazy how he was right in front of the hospital and yet no one’s noticed him so far.

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“I’m so sorry, I swear I’m not doing this on purpose.”

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Colin:

They’re ACTUALLY tailgating it? Oh, god.

Oh, Thor?

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This is what the Sword in the Stone would be like today.

Colin:

I imagine today’s Sword in the Stone as people trying random passcodes to unlock a mystical iPhone.

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Still curious what qualifies as worthy.

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Honestly, this looks like a fun place to hang out.

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Colin:

This asshole with the Budweiser. At least it wasn’t a Red Bull.

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Colin:

hey guys hey guys hey guys

THIS IS A DODGE

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“Did it work?”

Colin:

Oh Stan. Be more old people.

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Colin:

Foot getting out of the Acura, and I’ll point out that now there IS an Acura emblem on the wheel because this isn’t an Audi movie. It’s an Acura movie. If you remember the end of Iron Man 2, this exact shot showed a wheel with a blank cap, no Acura emblem.

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Not quite the scene when Coulson showed up the first time.

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“Sir, we found it.”

Colin:

Always the desert. Always. What if it had landed in the middle of the Pacific? What if HE had landed in the middle of the Pacific?

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That was for the ladies.

Colin:

Taylor Lautner, eat your heart out.

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Uh huh.

Colin:

Why should Natalie be interested? She got about six reasons.

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“Uh huh.”

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“Hey, sorry I tased you.”

Colin:

Cant we stop and look at this shot? Not because we’re supposed to — and yes, we’re supposed to — but because it’s a shot of a ripped man in front of a wide-open desert. Look at that and tell me they didn’t spend hours with a focus group working this out.

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Colin:

Hours and hours. With a focus group.

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“What is this?”

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Colin:

Good face, Natalie.

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Her ex.

Somehow she didn’t think to get rid of that?

Colin:

Was he black?

“They’re the only clothes I have that would fit you.”

So she has a type.

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“They will suffice.”

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“You’re welcome.”

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“This mortal form has grown weak.”

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“I need sustenance.”

Colin:

Ordering mortals to do shit. I can agree to this.

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How bad does the CGI look now that we just saw what real locations look like?

Colin:

Even shitty locations. Pretty much anywhere looks better than this. I’d take shots of New Jersey over this.

I’d have to think about it.

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Why would you hang out in a room like this? What is there to do?

I don’t see anyone with a ball and a glove.

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Colin:

Look at that roaring fire. Is there malt beer, or red meat off the bone?

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“We should never have let him go.”

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“There was no stopping him.”

Colin:

Discussing the aftermath. This is always how these movies go when there’s going to be a big twist. Iron Man didn’t contain the Jeff Bridges secret very well at all, but they also didn’t have Jeff Bridges and Tony sitting around wondering aloud what the hell was going on.

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“But at least he’s only banished, not dead. Which is what we’d all be if that guard hadn’t told Odin that we’d gone.”

That guard? Not even Elba? Some rando is the one who tipped him off? That’s a “one line fix” if I’ve ever heard one.

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“How did the guard even know?”

Uhh, because you guys all went on the giant rainbow bridge toward the one place that allows you to leave in full combat gear on horses?

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“I told him.”

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Let’s just isolate these two shots by themselves — the hand, and his reaction. They’re hilarious to me.

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“I told him to go to Odin after we’d left. He should be flogged for taking so long. We should never have reached Jotunheim.”

Colin:

“He should be FLOGGED! I’m so angry, I could spit. Hugo, tell Carl to load my elephant gun with buckshot.”

“You told the guard?”

He just said that, you asshole. With your stupid little vest.

“I saved our lives. And Thor’s.”

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“I had no idea father would banish him for what he did.”

What exactly did you think was the end result? An open competition for the throne?

They say he has to go convince Odin to change his mind.

“And then what? I love Thor more dearly than any of you here, but you know what he is. He’s arrogant, he’s reckless, he’s dangerous. You saw what he did today. Is that what Asgard needs from its king?”

The thing I like about Loki is that he’s the villain who knows how to cover his tracks. There’s no ties back to him. He sets this up and it actually does look like Thor is crazy. The only real thing that fucks him up is the assumption that Thor will never make it back and telling him Odin is dead. Outside of that, he looks like he’s doing what he has to do.

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Asian dude’s pretty silent during all this. He ain’t making it.

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“He may speak of good of Asgard, but he’s always been jealous of Thor.”

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“Laufey said there are traitors in the house of Odin. A master of magic could bring three Jotuns into Asgard.”

Colin:

Who the shit is this Japanese guy? I get the diversity thing, but he still has a RIDICULOUS accent. Is this a Viking exchange program? Is there a white guy living with a Japanese Viking family somewhere? Probably wearing his boots in the house and pissing everyone off?

Viking Exchange Program.

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“Loki’s always been one for mischief, but you’re talking about something else entirely.”

The truth?

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Hey! It’s that vague… thing… whose power we don’t really know about, but is apparently really important to the ice people.

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And no one stops him?

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I like this shade of blue.

That’s something nice I can say about this.

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Oh, there we go.

Colin:

“Stop! In the NAAAAME of LOOOOOVE!”

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Colin:

Nice shot with his back and the bright wall.

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Odin, you got some ‘splainin’ to do.

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“Am I cursed?”

“No.”

Then quit being so… blue.

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“What am I?”

“You’re my son.”

Nice door.

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“What more than that?”

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“The Casket wasn’t the only thing you took from Jotunheim that day, wasn’t it?”

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Nice shot.

“No.”

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“In the aftermath of the battle, I went into the temple, and I found a baby.”

As you do.

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Filthy creature.

Colin:

Ew, they have gross babies.

Without his hand and the cloth, this actually would be a terrific shot.

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Laufey’s son. Which he somehow knew upon seeing a random baby.

Colin:

Who embossed this baby?

And why does it look like he has Jaws teeth?

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A HA HA HA HA

A one-eyed viking holding a blue baby.

That’s what this moment is.

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Colin:

He’s got that magic touch. He’ll turn you white, just like that.

Either that or that’s a baby that’s really good at self-preservation. Looks exactly the way the person who’s gonna adopt him wants him to look.

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“Laufey’s son?”

Aww… John Jacob Jotunheimer Schmidt. His name really IS your name too!

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“Yes.”

“Why?”

“You were knee-deep in Jotun blood. Why would you take me?”

First off — knee deep? I’d like to have seen that. And second — valid question.

“You were an innocent child.”

This is basically saving the kid from the projects. And also political reasons.

Thor - 812

“No, you took me for a purpose. What was it?”

How does he look like a person, again?

Thor - 813

“TELL ME!”

Thor - 814

That was nice. I’m down for emotion.

Thor - 815

“I thought we could unite our kingdoms one day. Bring about an alliance. Bring about a permanent peace. Through you.”

Colin:

Why does nobody accept it when I steal babies in the name of peace?

Thor - 816

What are you so surprised about? That’s a noble gesture.

“But those plans no longer matter.”

Why, exactly?

Thor - 817

Right, though?

“So then I am no more than another stolen relic, locked up here until you might have use of me?”

He did say you were his son. And he’s treated you as such for like 25 years. You’re overreacting.

Colin:

I’d really like it though, if more movies involved telling kids they were adopted.

Or if Marvel actually had legit complex character scenes like this one.

Thor - 818

“You twist my words.”

“You could have told me what I was from the beginning. Why didn’t you?

“You’re my son. I wanted only to protect you from the truth.”

Protect him from the truth? What does that mean? “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you that you were black. I thought it would protect you.”

The reason he wants the fucking throne is because he thinks he’s actually your son and can have it.

Thor - 819

“Why? Because I’m the monster who parents tell their children about at night? You know, it all makes sense now. Why you favored Thor all these years.”

Do parents really tell their kids about Frost Giants? Because they don’t seem like a threat.

And no, I’m pretty sure he favored Thor for other reasons.

Thor - 820

Thor - 821

“Because no matter how much you love me.”

Colin:

Tom Hiddleston is pretty good, eh?

Thor - 822

He’s stroking out.

Colin:

Is this like, “My feelings are hurt, I’m gonna die now?”

Thor - 823

“You could never have a Frost Giant sitting on the throne of Asgard.”

Thor - 824

Thor - 825

Gladiator!

Colin:

Oh, so you were getting to Gladiator. Branagh and Mike.

Come on. Perform the Jotun-Heimlich.

Thor - 826

Thor - 827

Colin:

So he didn’t do that on purpose, right? Is he still conflicted about this stuff and wants to save dad? He’s already evil, though, right?

I don’t think he’s evil. I think that’s the beauty of the character, and why he might be the best character Marvel has next to Stark. He’s supposed to be a trickster, who likes fucking with people. But here, it’s the Shakespearean thing, where he wants his father’s love, wants to prove that he’s worthy to rule this place, but feels slighted because his older brother was always the favored one. He has affection for them both, but also will try to kill them. I like it, actually. I like that he can fluctuate between major villain and also unpredictable and untrustworthy good guy.

I read this as, he wants him out of the way, but not dead. And he can’t really have it both ways. It’s that standard, “Oh my god, I didn’t mean what I said,” moment. You see this again in the next one, after mom gets killed. He actually does have feelings, even though he also wouldn’t think twice about trying to annihilate an entire race of people.

Colin:

See, I like that, but I’m also questioning it because of The Avengers. Let’s not forget, Loki is supposed to be repentant and dead at the end of this movie, and he’s already alive and evil again after the goddamn credits. You see him set up for The Avengers, and the entire character is wiped out, like he was drawn on an Etch-a-Sketch. He’s just a generic bad guy.

That is true. The Avengers does fuck with that. But if you separate that movie from the two Thor movies, Loki does have some great character development.

Thor - 828

“Papa can you hear me?”

Thor - 829

Thor - 830

This is a pretty powerful scene.

Thor - 831

Thor - 832

“Guards!”

Thor - 833

Thor - 834

So what happens after the most emotional scene in the film? Comedy.

Thor - 835

This can’t be that far off from what his routine was during the shooting of this film. This motherfucker must have been drowning in protein.

Thor - 836

“How’d you get inside that cloud?”

Thor - 837

“Also, how could you eat an entire box of Pop Tarts and still be this hungry?”

Colin:

Oh, shit. PopTarts. I love those. Mike, tell the PopTart story.

This is my role. The one who tells the stories.

It is a good one, though.

The way you said that made me think of that drunk voice you have in your head that’s like, “Tell that woman her titties look nice.” And you have to have that moment of, “Should I do that?” mixed with, “Fuck you, I’ll do what I want,” and hope that in that time, drunk Shiho goes, “Her titties are beautiful.” Anyway…

Sophomore year, I had a box of PopTarts in my room. I forget how this started. I know there was one there. And I think Colin was in there hanging out and had some. Might have had the last two. Whatever it was, he felt obligated to replace it, even though to me, any kind of food I have is fair game for anyone who wants it. I don’t give a fuck. I must have spent like $1,000 in college on booze for other people. That’s just what I do. But Colin felt like he should replace it. And then he went through that box too. And he just kept replacing them.

Eventually it just became, Colin bought his PopTarts and left them in my room. They stopped being for me and were just his, only in my room. I think some of it was the knowledge that it wasn’t in his, which kept him from going through them as quickly. That’s definitely what it became after a while. Because, say there were five boxes of PopTarts, just for the sake of this analogy. Maybe I had two packs for myself total. They were all Colin’s. That much was understood. And that’s just how shit was. We don’t question it. That’s just what it was. Seventeen.

Anyway, I had an open door policy with my room. Which meant, if I’m in that room and not sleeping (or getting dressed. Because no one wants to walk in and see the sausage unprepared), my door is open. I had a flip flop propped in the door at all times, keeping it open for people to pop in at their leisure. So whenever he wanted PopTarts, Colin would just come in. There were times where we’d be hanging out at like 1:30, all of us on the hall, and then we’d break off to either go to bed or do our own things, and Colin, before he left, would take PopTarts with him for the road, just in case I went to bed and he couldn’t get them later. But that’s basically how this worked.

And the way our hall was structured (which is horrible) — there are about 12 people on a hall, something like that. And in the middle, were two bathrooms. Single bathrooms. One sink, one toilet, one shower. For twelve people. And since most people had classes at 9am, you basically had to shower one after the other after the other. Plus, one of the showers (the one closest to my room) always backed up and would flood after two minutes. (Good times in that bathroom, though, huh? Actually, shit… two weeks from now, I’m gonna be there.)

But, that’s how it worked. There was a revolving door of people showering in the morning. Usually, you’d get up, get your shower caddy and stuff ready, and listen for how many showers were running. If not, you’d go in there, and hope someone wasn’t ready to go in the shower. Surprisingly we all had good etiquette about this. (Except when roommates would shout, “Dibs on the first open shower!” and scurry off.)

So one morning, I was going to class (which was not always a certainty), and did my showering thing. This is at like, 8:15. And then I come back to my room, remove the flip flop keeping the door open and go to get dressed. Our doors closed automatically, so if the shoe isn’t there, the door just closes all the way shut. Only, as the door is closing, out of nowhere, a hand stops it. It’s Colin. I didn’t see any sign of life as I left the bathroom. I had no idea he was even awake. Didn’t hear the sink running in the other bathroom. As far as I knew, no one was in any of the bathrooms. He just appeared out of nowhere. And he lives at the end of the hall. It’s not like he was next door. He comes in, walks over to my fridge area without a word, picks up the PopTarts, takes a pack, opens it up, takes a bite out of it, savors it as we stand there in silence for a few seconds, then nods at me and walks out. And that’s it. And everything was understood.

This is how guys work.

Thor - 838

Colin:

This is how guys work.

Thor - 839

Thor - 840

Thor - 841

Is that an Asian woman back there?

Thor - 842

“This drink, I like it.”

Thor - 843

Thor - 844

Thor - 845

“Another!”

Colin:

That is how I order coffee as well. I have to admit, I had forgotten about his ridiculousness. This and the table flip were great. But really, this just makes me want to watch The Vikings, which was on Mike’s list of movies for me to watch. If you guys haven’t seen it…it’s fucking incredible.

ODIN!!!!!!!!!!!

Thor - 846

Damn it, you broke one of Doris’s cups.

Thor - 849

“What was that?”

Thor - 847

“It was delicious, I want another.”

Thor - 850

“Well you could have just said so.”

“I just did.”

Colin:

That’s such a great moment, when you’re so clearly wrong, but you’ve answered in a way that makes you right.

Thor - 848

“No, I mean, asked, nicely.”

“I meant no disrespect.”

Thor - 851

“All right, well no more smashing. Deal?”

Thor - 852

“You have my word.”

Colin:

Is that the same Dodge from before?

Thor - 853

They’re gonna fuck.

Thor - 854

That’s the “they’re gonna fuck” face.

Thor - 855

And now these fat fucks are gonna give an important piece of plot. One of those times a town of 2,000 comes in handy.

Colin:

This is actually plausible because there are like 8 people in this town. Hey, you think this is the town where Bad Day at Black Rock happened? So…I guess, Black Rock? 

Thor - 856

Thor - 857

“Excuse me, did you say there was a satellite crash?”

Thor - 858

Yeah, he also said the Feds showed up.

Thor - 859

“Oh my god, this is going on Facebook. Smile!”

Colin:

Iron Man referenced Myspace. How quickly things move along, hm?

We’re still four years behind the eight ball.

Thor - 860

Colin:

That was a great smile. That’s how I smile at breakfast.

Thor - 861

“What did it look like, the satellite?”

He’s the only one asking the pertinent questions.

Thor - 862

“Well, I don’t know anything about satellites, but, it was heavy.”

It also looked like a fucking HAMMER. You moron.

Thor - 863

“I mean, nobody could lift it.”

Thor - 864

There’s colors in this shot. Which is unlike them.

Thor - 865

“Which way?”

“50 miles west of here.”

That’s a lot of miles.

Colin:

He thinks he knows what it is, but…does he know what West is on this planet, or how far 50 miles is?

Thor - 866

Thor - 867

Home of the Vikings. Jesus.

Colin:

What would Viking Jesus be like?

You’re looking at him.

Thor - 868

Colin:

That’s also a Dodge. These types of places like American vehicles.

The buffet is gourmet, but the furniture’s just ok.

Thor - 869

“Where are you going?”

“50 miles west of here.”

Thor - 870

“Why?”

“To get what belongs to me.”

Herpes?

Colin:

Did they hose down the road for this scene? Was that on purpose? Why is the pavement wet? It didn’t rain the night before. It’s the desert, but the road is wet.

Classic movie trick. They did that for everything. Classic noir trick. Made the road look slick so it lit up better. That’s one of those things I will always go along with. Like rear projection.

Thor - 871

“It’s not what they think it is.”

Thor - 872

“Well the government seems to think it’s theirs, so you’re just gonna go in there and take it?”

“Yes.”

Thor - 873

“If you take me there now, I’ll tell you everything you wish to know.”

Thor - 874

“Everything?”

“Everything.”

Thor - 875

“Can I have a word, Jane?”

Thor - 876

He says he’s crazy. Talking about Mjolnir and Thor and Bifrost.

“It’s the stories I grew up with as a child.”

Colin:

Stellan has a stellar sense about these things. But, like most foreigners — pronoun trouble. “THEY ARE the stories I grew up with.”

Thor - 877

“I’m just gonna drive him, that’s it.”

Sure. That’s what they all say.

“He’s dangerous, Jane.”

Thor - 878

“I’m sorry, but I can’t take you.”

Thor - 879

“Well, peace, then.’

Thor - 880

Way to show your hand.

Thor - 881

Thor - 882

Thor - 883

And your vag.

Thor - 884

Thor - 885

Thor - 886

Really, Natalie?

Colin:

Sheeeeeeeee wants the D. It’s pretty great when a guy knows he can do that to a chick. Cause usually girls mess with guys and when the roles are reversed, it’s pretty satisfying to watch.

Thor - 887

“Jane Foster, Erik Selvig, Darcy – farewell.”

How do you know their names? We don’t even know their names.

Colin:

The intern doesn’t have a last name.

Thor - 888

Thor - 889

Lotta people wearing coats in the desert.

Thor - 890

Uh huh.

Colin:

Listen to the foreigner. He knows. You don’t mess with guys like this. Only white women with citizenship mess with guys like this.

Thor - 891

“Hey, that’s my stuff!”

Thor - 892

Thor - 893

Agent Coulson is stealing your shit.

Thor - 894

Thor - 895

SHIELD is pretty poorly organized.

They definitely seem more coordinated later on.

Thor - 896

“This should more than compensate you for your trouble.”

Well damn. All right.

Thor - 897

Crying face. Almost.

“I can’t just buy replacements at Radio Shack. I made most of this equipment myself.”

“And I’m sure you can do it again.”

Great answer.

“And I’m sure I can sue you for violating my Constitutional rights.”

Colin:

Coulson’s a DICK right now. Although not really. But also kinda. We’ve met him on several occasions and he’s supposed to be the nice guy. Wouldn’t he have something better to say?

Thor - 898

“I’m sorry, Ms. Foster. But we’re the good guys.”

Thor - 899

“So are we.”

Thor - 900

Colin:

“No, uh, I don’t think so. Anyway.”

Thor - 901

“I’m on the verge of understanding something extraordinary. And everything I know about this phenomenon is either in this lab or in this book—“

Colin:

Darcy’s lips and Stellan’s tuft are kind of a bummer.

Thor - 902

“And you can’t just take that away.”

Thor - 903

YOINK!

Thor - 904

“Hey!”

Thor - 905

Thor - 906

Random overhead. Okay.

Thor - 907

Maybe just explain shit to them.

This is all because the guy you want to bang has answers to your research. But you get your research back if you tell them about him.

Thor - 908

Acuras — roll out.

Thor - 909

I appreciate Branagh’s attempt to spice the shots up.

Colin:

Some more canted angles?

Thor - 910

This would be an awesome place to hang out in. This kind of place is gonna be my booze house.

Colin:

Circular glass places remind me of MoCon.

Aww… that place.

I’m gonna drop a plastic cup on the floor in remembrance.

Thor - 911

“Years of research. Gone.”

Remember how you’re considered crazy for doing it?

Thor - 912

“They even took my iPod.”

Did no one think she was gonna be too much?

Colin:

iPods were still a think when this movie was written.

Does this town have a school?

This town looks so fake it could be a studio backlot. And that makes me happy.

Thor - 913

“Who are these people?”

Thor - 914

“I knew this scientist. A pioneer in gamma radiation.”

That’s not answering the question.

“SHIELD showed up and – he wasn’t heard from again.”

You mean, aside from in that movie?

Colin:

Oh, they had to link it to Hulk? Why did he know Hulk? When they meet up again in The Avengers, are they like, “OH, hey, long time no see!”

No, because he’s mind-controlled.

Thor - 915

“They’re not gonna do that to us.”

Aww… you read the script.

Thor - 916

“Let me contact one of my colleagues. He’s had some dealings with these people before.”

Who is your colleague exactly?

“I’ll email him, and maybe he can help.”

Wait, what? You’ll just email him? And you don’t think they’re monitoring that after they stole your shit?

Thor - 917

“They took your laptop too.”

Great job in knowing how the internet works.

Thor - 918

Push her off. Please push her off.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow is Part III, and tube fights.

(See the rest of Fun with Franchises here.)

http://bplusmovieblog.com

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