Fun with Franchises: The Marvel Universe – Thor (2011), Part III — “Someone’s Gotta Tell the Peasants About the Ruler Coma”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is Thor.

Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.

We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.

We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.

Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.

Right now, we’re doing the Marvel Universe, and today is the third part of Thor.

Thor - Title Card

We begin Part III with an appeal to the king, which always goes well.

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Unnecessary shot.

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Colin:

Why must you hold your hands to your chest? You look like stupid LARPers.

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“All-Father, we must speak with you urgently.”

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Any time they start with the silhouette, you know shit ain’t gonna go as expected.

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“My friends.”

Colin:

Was this not news? Is there no Asgard Nightly News with Sven Svenson? Whenever a leader falls into a coma, someone has to tell the peasants. That used to be a newsman’s primary function. Reporting on ruler comas.

Someone’s gotta tell the peasants about the ruler coma.

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“Where’s Odin?”

“Father has fallen into the Odin Sleep.”

That’s a thing?

Colin:

I fell into Odin sleep the other night. Pretty much just requires a bottle of wine.

I love that the sleep was named after him. That motherfucker must have had some wild nights in his heyday. Partied so hard he slept for eight weeks. That’s not sleep, that’s Odin Sleep.

That’s kind of like getting Mike Drunk.

“Mother fears he may never awaken again.”

So you’re in charge? Not her?

Colin:

C’mon, buddy.

Does he not have an Odin Will?

Don’t you hate it when you banish your son and then fall into a coma?

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“We wish to speak with her.”

“She has refused to leave my father’s bedside.”

So… take them there. Are you not allowed to see Odin when he’s in a coma? Will they draw dicks on his face?

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“You can bring your urgent matter to me.”

He says, as if he doesn’t know exactly what it is.

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“Your king.”

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Yup. You take orders from the kid you bullied.

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That’s right. Kneel, bitches.

Colin:

Gimli kneels first. He knows how his bread gets buttered.

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They want Thor back.

Colin:

The Japanese guy — that’s Tadanobu Asano, not that his name should mean anything to you, or even me — is looking around. Japanese people in this position are always looking around to scope out what’s going on. Gotta read the air, figure out what’s going down. The stupid white people are all too busy looking at Loki and trying to figure out what to say. That’s how you get ninja-murdered.

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Reaction shots.

He chuckles. That’s always a good start for an answer you want to hear.

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“My first command cannot be to undo the All-Father’s last.”

Makes sense, actually.

But you can just make another command first.

Colin:

That’s true. “A sandwich! No, a panini! Now, to undo the All-Father’s final command.”

Also, why was Thor banished to Earth, exactly? Of all the places in all the universe?

Colin:

It’s harmless?

I think it’s The Plot.

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“We’re on the brink of war with Jotunheim. Our people need continuity to make them feel safe in these difficult times.”

Colin:

The people need to feel safe in these difficult times? Nobody’s even told the people about the latest leader coma!

They also say the brink of war as if these people can easily show up within their borders. Just put half your guys around that IcePad, and have the giant fucking robot annihilator ready to go. These guys don’t have power without that thing. I think you’re fine.

They must stand together. “For the good of Asgard.”

He says, as they kneel.

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I don’t like you.

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He wants him to reconsider.

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“We’re done.”

Colin:

The Japanese guy is the only one who hasn’t spoken. He knows. I know. You don’t say shit, you just let it play out and hopefully you can figure something out along the way. Speaking gets you murdered.

And again — three white people looking at Loki, but the Japanese guy? Scanning the room, stopping on the ass in front of him.

I think it’s because his character is the most useless. They literally just write him out of the next movie, because he serves no purpose.

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Colin:

She literally has abs of steel.

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Colin:

How novel, a canted angle.

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Well there’s a location difference.

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Free internet. You cheap fuck.

Colin:

I’m always embarrassed when foreigners from nice places like Scandinavia come to places like this instead of ANYWHERE else in America. It’s like showing a stranger your scrotum.

Finally, an analogy I can understand.

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What are you smiling for?

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Colin:

He got a book about Thor. That’s nice. I like etymology.

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Monkey in the corner.

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So what? He believes Thor is who he really is now? Or was he just transported to his childhood? I’m confused about the purpose of this scene.

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Staff of what?

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How could you not get 50 miles in all this time?

Colin:

It’s the same morning. That’s what people forget. This movie takes place over like…3 days.

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Thor in a pet store.

In a town of… how exactly can this store be sustained in a town this small?

Colin:

They eat the puppies.

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“I need a horse.”

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“We don’t have horses. Just dogs, cats, birds.”

Colin:

This guy is the David Cross from Men in Black condensed into like 15 seconds. That’s exactly who he is.

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“Then give me one of those large enough to ride.”

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“Hey, you still need a lift?”

This is how Under the Skin started.

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You heard that?

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“I’ve never done anything like this before.”

Picking up a stranger to go fuck in the desert?

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“Have you ever done anything like this?”

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“Many times.”

Colin:

What? Done WHAT many times? Gotten into a van with a stranger? Gone to find your hammer? Ridden shotgun through the desert? What are we referring to? Whatever it is, I don’t think you’ve done it many times.

Unless he means using his dick powers to bang some floozy. In which case — yes.

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He flirts with her.

Colin:

He speaks strangely. Let’s get past it, Natalie.

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How can you not drive a straight line?

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A HA HA let us enjoy merriment, for we have almost perished.

Colin:

“Haha! You’re hot, so I almost crashed this RV.”

It’s like she’s never been hit on before. It’s insane. Because she’s an astrophysicist she’s inexperienced at courtship? You look like Natalie Portman.

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He wants to bang her too.

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“But who are you? Really.”

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“You’ll see soon enough.”

That’s ominous.

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“You promised me answers.”

“What you seek, it’s a bridge.”

A rainbow bridge.

Colin:

Like…like a Rainbow Connection?

“God, I hope you’re not crazy.”

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This could be Africa and you’d never know.

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Colin:

What if you had that bed, but like, in a racecar shape? Am I way off?

As opposed to a T-16 shape?

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This is Odin sleep? Sounds great.

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Who got him out of his clothes?

Oh, so Odin Sleep is him just falling into a coma wherever he is, and they just put him in this thing as a healing method. I got it. Still, he sleeps under a giant bear skin blanket. That’s pretty great.

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“How long will it last?”

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“Why did he lie?”

Two completely separate questions.

“He kept the truth from you so that you would never feel different.”

And also because of political reasons. Which he told you.

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“You are our son, Loki. And we are family. We mustn’t lose hope that your father will return to us.”

Colin:

This is the stuff that dad should have been saying but didn’t. The whole, “we love you,” blah blah blah.

He asks how long it’ll last, then why he lied. She answers the second question and then sneaks in the “we gotta hope he doesn’t die” at the end.

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“And your brother.”

Remember when Renee Russo was a thing?

Colin:

Nope.

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They’re having a conversation over an unconscious person.

Colin:

She thinks everything her husband does has a purpose. What makes me feel like she’s used that to explain away domestic abuse before?

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This looks like a Transformer in drag.

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How did it get dark so quickly? 50 miles for them should have been like, an hour and a half.

Actually, fuck that. This is the desert. 50 miles for them should have been like, an hour, tops.

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Isn’t this what they did in E.T.?

Colin:

I love when they set up the tubes like in E.T.

(Drink!)

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I feel like that’s a symbol of something. I feel like Marvel would do that.

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So do they know who Thor is, or, are they just looking at this hammer just because?

Since they should know only one person can come and get it, and they should figure he’s going to come to them. What exactly is their end goal here? To try to recruit him as part of the team?

Colin:

Don’t they only know that it’s a random space relic? They don’t know his deal, right? It’s from space, it’s clearly not a rock, and it’s giving off waves. They’re probably just checking it out.

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“That’s no satellite crash. They would have hauled the wreckage away, not built a city around it.”

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He gives her his coat.

“Stay here. Once I have Mjolnir, I will return the items they have stolen from you. Deal?”

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“No.”

Colin:

So he has to infiltrate, which means things are about to go all Bond.

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Does he really think he’s gonna walk in, grab the stuff and walk out?

“No, I’m gonna fly out.”

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Convenient.

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Hey! It’s… that guy!

That guy who is in other Marvel movies, whose name we never really know until the one where they kill him.

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Did you really notice something that small with the screens flickering that much?

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That’s pretty stealthy for someone who just walked through traffic to ask a pet store for a horse.

And that would have come up on infrared?

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Is this not on the cameras?

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Where’d you get the poncho?

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Uh oh. Barrels.

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This is a nice location to keep budget down and still have a solid setpiece.

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“Hi Erik, it’s me.”

Your phone works? Wasn’t Coulson not able to use his phone?

“I’m fine. But, just in case you don’t hear from me in the next hour, just come by the crater site and try to find me, okay? I did exactly what you told me not to.”

Colin:

How many times have I gotten that voicemail?

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You guys are really still checking it?

Also, you’re wearing moderately protective gear, but not full hazmat suits? It’s giving off what sounds like radiation, yet you’re dressed like you’re about to coach a track meet in the rain.

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He likes lightning.

Also, shouldn’t he have been able to call the hammer to him? He seems to know how to do that later. How was he able to wield it before, even though he wasn’t truly worthy of it? Were there no restrictions on it before Odin whispered into it? Was it a learner’s permit?

Holy shit, is this movie Thor Gets His Driver’s License?

This is basically a high school movie. “You’re gonna take over for me son.” “Yeah, let’s go fiht those assholes.” “No, son, you’re not ready.” “You’re an idiot, dad!” And the brother stuff. You can take this exact plot and set it in high school and it would still translate.

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Not exactly ghosting, is he?

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I’m so interested in this. And this cost a tenth of whatever the Jotunheim sequence cost.

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I want my house to have one of these. This is amazing.

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Colin:

Sorry, I’m checked out for this. He’s running in the rain and clumsily dispatching guards. This is not what Thor is about.

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“I need eyes up high. With a gun.”

Shit. They were gonna go up high with a cauliflower stalk and some Red Vines.

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That’s not a gun. Way to pay attention, asshole.

Colin:

Why does Renner even stop to pick up the gun? He’s all about the bow, we know this from later movies. It seems weird that he would even consider grabbing the gun. That’s like Tony Stark going to get in a forklift and then stopping and getting into the Iron Man suit.

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I was gonna make a comment about the rain, but Thor — weather — sure.

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How did you not see that coming?

Also, is that a chick back there?

Thor - 1031

DOMINO FALL!

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You completely missed on that kick.

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Jesus, look at this asshole.

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Pretty great how we’re supposed to pretend like this person with a gun means something. Especially since – is Thor mortal? Is he not? How does that work? Will we ever know?

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This would make a great video game level.

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“Barton, talk to me.”

So you called for eyes with a gun up top, and not you just assume Barton is up there, even though you didn’t call him.

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“You want me to slow him down, sir?”

Like this?

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“Or are you sending in more guys for him to beat up?”

This should be his purpose in the franchise. Hit anything he needs to, stay away from the core of the battle for most of it, and make snarky comments. They figured this out by Age of Ultron.

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Look at that smirk.

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NOPE!

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Aww shit.

Is this Natalie’s ex?

Why does SHIELD have a guy this size just hanging around? For situations just like this?

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“You’re big. I’ve fought bigger.”

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Still not a gun.

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What’s with men and mud wrestling?

Colin:

Muscleman fights black guy in the mud. Nobody is excited.

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Well that’s just gross.

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So that happened in slow motion.

Colin:

That’s a way to kick people, I guess. So much of this action bores me. I want him to break more mugs and flip more tables. Can this fight feature a table flip?

Or even a person flip. People flipping is cool too.

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You guys remember that movie Renaissance Man? I could use Danny DeVito right now.

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Maybe shoot him now.

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Colin:

Did he just wipe the mud off his face with more mud? Is this precipitation coming from Natalie’s pants?

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That’s cool. Seeing the hammer through the tube wall.

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“You better call it, Coulson. Because I’m starting to root for this guy.”

Colin:

You’re starting to root for this guy? I can’t even get into how much I hate that line. Like, WOW, do I hate that line.

Could have been slightly more okay if he actually had to go through some shit and we saw his sheer determination to get the hammer get him further along.

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Japanese walls.

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So is the bottom of that stump reinforced? Because they could just cut that part out too. Not that they’d be able to move the hammer anyway, but I’m not sure the thought process behind the digging here.

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Sure, put explosive materials next to the Hammer that’s giving off electromagnetic signals. That seems smart.

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“Last chance, sir.”

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“Wait. I wanna see this.”

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Do we ever find out how much SHIELD knows about this? It seems like nothing. Seems like they don’t really know about Asgard or any of that. And Fury says about as much in The Avengers.

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Yeah, you edited around it too long. We know what’s going to happen.

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You are not worthy.

Colin:

Shitting face.

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Not sure how this thing is deciding if he’s worthy or not. It’s not like he has to change. He’s Thor. Whatever makes him worthy is inside of him. So this is all bullshit.

Colin:

Meh. They’re gonna make it the actions. Anthony Hopkins whispered to hammer and threw it into an inter-dimensional portal. I think all bets are off.

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So much less Shakespearean with wires and shit all around it.

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“OPTIMUS!”

Colin:

He made a loud noise. No more yelling up at the sky. You wanna look up at the sky in the rain, you do it silently, or with a laugh like Andy Dufresne.

“Thor, son of Odin, crawled through a river of shit…”

He did technically just run through the shit pipe, so we’re not that far off.

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Way to give your position away.

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As Coulson slowly jerks off atop the balcony.

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The score in this scene is better than this movie deserves.

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Colin:

We didn’t need the slow motion dripping, did we? Did we?

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“All right, show’s over. Ground units move in.”

Colin:

That’ll do, Thor. That’ll do.

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So what happens, he just gives up now? There’s a worthy king for you.

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And your purpose in this movie is over.

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And now we have a brilliant shot/reverse shot conversation with a man and his hammer.

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The hammer’s saying “fuck you” to him right now.

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No idea why this is canted, but I love it.

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Seriously, this score is making me think Odin’s gonna show up and be like, “Remember who you are.”

Or somebody’s gonna jerk off in front of a volleyball.

And not me this time.

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Overheads are fun.

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As you fools play your silly games, I stare into the abyss. For I am Elba.

Colin:

Aw, the black guy is watching you. The black guy knows your suffering.

I’d like to mention once again that the only black guy in Asgard operates the space elevator.

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Seriously impressed with Kenneth Branagh’s ability to make this look decent.

Colin:

Canted angle of neon lights. This movie is boring, but still not as bad as The Incredible Hulk, so that’s good news!

Why is their building called Smith?

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She can’t leave him in jail.

Thor - 1117

This book is really fucking with continuity. I mean – so are these incarnations of myth? Are these actual characters of myth? Can they die? Obviously they can, since Renee Russo gets bumped off in the next movie. But then apparently there’s some shit called “Odin Sleep” and Odin’s not dead. And apparently these people existed thousands of years ago. So how is that possible? How is Thor only like 30 years old? Do they stop aging? How long does it take them to age? Are we even trying to make sense of this?

YOU CAN’T HAVE MYTH AND THESE PEOPLE BE THE SAME CHARACTERS IN THE SAME MOVIE WITHOUT MAKING SENSE OF IT.

Colin:

Wait, Mjolnir means “that which smashes?” Isn’t that Hulk in this franchise? Is the Norwegian for Hulk just “Mjolnir?”

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Colin:

“You didn’t see what I saw!” A crazed, homeless man attacking government agents and failing to steal a wet hammer?

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Why does Loki have one hand in that photo?

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He says it’s children’s stories.

“But you’re the one who’s always pushing me to chase down every possibility, every alternative.”

“I’m talking about science, not magic.”

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“Well magic’s just science that we don’t understand yet. Arthur C. Clarke.”

Oh… she went to Harvard.

Colin:

She’s seven, that’s what this is. Magic is NOT just science we don’t understand. Magic is magic. And besides, they’re called ‘illusions,’ Michael.

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“Who wrote science fiction!”

“A precursor to science fact!”

Kill me.

Colin:

Can’t. Already dead.

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She says some shit about the bridge.

Colin:

It kills me that she’s right. It really kills me that she’s not laughed all the way to the asylum and left there to die an addled old woman. The Linda Hamilton special.

This dialogue blows, and she ends up being right. Also, I hope they got money from Southwest Airlines. That’s like 3 times so far.

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“A primitive culture like the Vikings might have worshipped them as deities.”

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“Exactly! Thank you.”

What did that accomplish, exactly?

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Colin:

His men didn’t look super well-trained. They looked like regular guys who got beaten up by Mr. Clumsy Punch over here.

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I like how they’re monitoring the hammer as if something’s gonna change there.

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Canted.

He made some highly trained soldiers look like mall cops.

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“That’s hurtful.”

Colin:

You’re personally upset that he fought better than your guards? It’s HURTFUL?

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How many shots in this movie aren’t canted?

He wants to know where Thor received his training.

He lists a bunch of Middle East places.

Does SHIELD have Mossad agents?

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“Certain groups pay very well for a good mercenary like you.”

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“Who are you?”

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“One way or another we find out what we need to know.”

Colin:

They’re not waterboarding. How would Thor do with waterboarding?

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“Don’t go anywhere.”

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I like that he can do that.

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“Loki.”

Colin:

I’d like to show up places in a suit. Seriously, is this movie not entirely good entrances and snappy exits?

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“What’s happened? Is it Jotunheim? Let me explain to father.”

This light is not agreeing with the hair on your face.

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“Father is dead.”

Is he? Again, logic. I need some sort of explanation here.

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“Your banishment.”

Why are you wearing people clothes?

“The threat of a new war. It was too much for him to bear. You mustn’t blame yourself.”

Have we ever been told what Loki can do?

Colin:

Were they born with these powers, or does someone teach them how to do this stuff? Can these powers be learned? Why does this universe have warrior classes like Diablo or World of Warcraft? Is there an Asgardian Leeroy Jenkins?

It seems like this is Loki’s big mistake, up to this point. If he doesn’t tell Thor that Dad is dead, then Thor doesn’t suspect him. Though I guess Dad not being dead is what makes Loki have to go through with the rest of his… no, actually, not really. Since Loki’s plan doesn’t make much sense anyway.

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“I know that you loved him.”

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“It was so cruel to put the hammer within your reach, knowing that you can never lift it.”

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Colin:

Another case of hurt feelings and death. Last time, it was Natalie, for that matter. She knows all about hurt feelings and death.

And sand.

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“The burden of the throne has fallen to me now.”

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“Can I come home?”

Colin:

He took the news of Loki’s coronation rather well, I thought.

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“The truce with Jotunheim is conditional upon your exile.”

Colin:

Oh, and apparently it’s spelled “Jotunheim.” And they are Jotuns. Which is a little too close to the German word for “Jew” for my comfort.

“Couldn’t we find a way?”

“Mother has forbidden your return.”

This is actually turning very Lion King. Slash Gladiator.

Colin:

I was trapped in the Brainmuda Triangle, but yes.

“This is goodbye, brother. I’m so sorry.”

Colin:

At least pretend you’ll try to help him return. Don’t leave it to mom. Also, isn’t the black guy watching all of this? I know he can see far, but maybe he can’t see through the ceiling. We’re not sure how magical this Negro is. Tropes.

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“No. I am sorry.”

Now you can probably lift it. Give it a go.

“Thank you for coming here.”

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“Farewell.”

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“Goodbye.”

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“Goodbye? I just got back.”

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Colin:

Oh, see that? Thor’s all modest now that he knows he ain’t shit. Maybe now he can get the hammer back? For that matter, the hammer wouldn’t be here unless he was supposed to use it, no? Wouldn’t he be like, “Why would Pops have thrown my hammer after me if he never wanted me back?”

I wonder if he’d have tried to help him out if he didn’t fall into a coma. Maybe the coma is what fucked up Loki’s plan.

Thor - 1155

Still?

Thor - 1156

Thor - 1157

Colin:

He’s invisible. There are so many other things I’d do if I was invisible. I’ve never been invisible before. Grandfather has been.

Thor - 1158

Might as well.

Thor - 1159

Thor - 1160

Thor - 1161

Thor - 1162

Thor - 1163

Nice random mirror shot.

“Sir, he’s got a visitor.”

So?

Thor - 1164

Yeah, you go, technician. Fix that shit.

Thor - 1165

“His name is Donald Blake?”

Thor - 1166

“Doctor Donald Blake.”

Colin:

Stellan is gonna try to convince them that this man with no ID and paramilitary levels of badassery is a random scientist with them, a group they’ve been monitoring for some time.

Thor - 1167

“You have dangerous coworkers, Dr. Selvig.”

Thor - 1168

“He was distraught when he found you that you’d taken all of our research. That was years of his life, gone.”

Thor - 1169

Thor - 1170

“You can understand how a man could go off like that. A big, faceless organization like yours, coming in with their jackbooted thugs and – that’s how he put it.”

Thor - 1171

“That still doesn’t explain how he managed to tear through our security.”

Thor - 1172

“Steroids!”

Thor - 1173

Why New York?

Colin:

Oh, that’s the breakfast picture. That was convenient.

Who put that together so quickly? You got a fake ID guy?

Thor - 1174

“Says here that he’s an MD.”

“Well he is. Or he was. He switched careers and became a physicist.”

As you do.

Thor - 1175

His eyebrows are freaking me out.

Thor - 1176

“Oh, Donny, Donny, Donny. There you are.”

Thor - 1177

So they believe he’s Thor so that’s why they’re helping him out? Or did they just convince him to do it because Natalie needs to bang find some shit out from him?

Thor - 1178

Thor - 1179

Yoink.

Thor - 1180

Culver University. Fuck you.

Colin:

They must be letting him go. And who keeps all those files outside like that? Especially considering the typhoon they just had.

“Dr. Selvig.”

Thor - 1181

“Just keep him away from the bars.”

Thor - 1182

“Where are we going?”

“To get a drink.”

Colin:

They’re getting a drink. I like Stellan. He gets me.

Thor - 1183

Thor - 1184

“I had it all backwards.”

“Is that a bad thing, finding out that you don’t have all the answers? You start asking the right questions.”

Thor - 1185

“For the first time in my life, I have no idea what I’m supposed to do.”

What were you supposed to do before this?

Thor - 1186

“Anyone who’s ever going to find his way in this world has to start by admitting he doesn’t know where the hell he is.”

Colin:

And apparently he gets Thor as well, cause they’re having a heart to heart. This is probably the first time that Thor has consumed booze with a peasant.

Thor - 1187

“Thank you, for what you’ve done.”

Cranberry juice.

Oh, and now we get some bullshit backstory on Jane.

Colin:

We need something to back up the bullshit plot. She’s a wasted character. They just throw her away. 

Thor - 1188

Colors. Kind of.

Thor says how he never listened. How his father was trying to teach him something but he was “too stupid to see it.”

Thor - 1189

Selvig says he’s “seen the way” Jane looks at Thor. Which is one of the all-time terrible lines in movies.

“I swear to you, I mean her no harm.”

Colin:

He’s just trying to protect Natalie. The last time she ended up with someone with powers, she got knocked up and died. And then one time before that there was this French guy with guns…she has a bad track record.

Thor - 1190

“Good. In that case, I’ll buy you another round.”

My kind of guy.

“You leave town tonight.”

Oh.

Colin:

That’s still cool. Free drinks, then leave.

Thor - 1191

“Two Boilermakers.”

All right then.

Thor - 1192

Thor - 1193

That’s a big glass you got there. I like this bar.

Thor - 1194

Nah, son, you gotta drop that fucker right in the glass.

Thor - 1195

Thor - 1196

You knew that gesture already? That’s suspect.

Colin:

Don’t they do that on Asgard? They have space pheasant and stuff. They totally have booze and I bet they do this.

Yeah, but this is a guy who does not understand any Earth customs whatsoever. I know the language of booze is universal, but this is selective understanding.

Thor - 1197

Colin:

Booze. There’s this one place not far from me where they have a 1 liter beer, and if you can drink it without stopping, it’s free and you get a free round of chicken for your table. I didn’t know they had it until after my first round, plus food, but they still wanted me to do it. Made it to 940 mL, and the pressure was too much. They knew, so they gave it to me. And the chicken.

But before I leave this place, I’m going back to do that shit properly. That takes will for a mortal. For those of you unfamiliar with metrics, that’s chugging 3 beer cans’ worth without stopping.

Thor - 1198

Thor - 1199

Thor - 1200

Thor - 1201

This is how guys work.

Thor - 1202

Thor - 1203

This is begging for a cut.

Colin:

I hope he has a super liver.

Thor - 1204

No?

Thor - 1205

Thor - 1206

Thor - 1207

Thor - 1208

This might be the first time I see a wide shot in this movie and go,” Yes. This one.”

Thor - 1209

Thor - 1210

Thor - 1211

Thor - 1212

“Kill him.”

Thor - 1213

“After all I’ve done for you.”

“So you’re the one who showed us the way into Asgard.”

“That was just a bit of fun, really. To ruin my brother’s big day. And to protect the realm from his idiotic rule for a while longer.”

Colin:

So Loki was causing trouble to fuck with Thor. That’s some shit you might see on My Super Sweet 16. Siblings messing with your big day.

Thor - 1214

“I will hear you.”

Thor - 1215

“I will conceal you, and a handful of your soldiers. Lead you into Odin’s chambers, and you can slay him where he lies.”

“Why not kill him yourself?”

Thor - 1216

Come on, buddy.

“I expect that the Asgardians won’t take kindly to a king who murdered his predecessor.”

This whole thing is full of holes. Why is he having them do this? Why is his plan to lead them there and then kill them? This really is just fucking bizarre all around.

Thor - 1217

Lot of head tilts here. Did he kill his predecessor? Because that would be interesting, if we knew that backstory. Otherwise I can just pretend that’s what it is and that’s a really good reaction and set of dialogue.

Colin:

This is still suspicious. He kills them, right? The Jotun should know this is weird because his only excuse is that Asgard doesn’t want a king who killed his father. So, there’s an assumption that they’d know. So how do they know Jotuns did it if they sneak in and out?

He should know there’s gonna have to be evidence of it, which means he kills them for everyone to see. Is this not clear? Am I the only one constantly worrying about backstabbery?

He’s gonna return the Casket to them once Odin is dead.

“And you can return Jotunheim to all it’s, uhh –”

Thor - 1219

“Glory.”

Thor - 1220

“I – accept.”

Of course you do. Motherfucker practically held your hand during all this. You’re useless without his help.

Thor - 1221

Thor - 1222

This could be McFly plugging in his guitar and you wouldn’t know.

Thor - 1223

Thor - 1224

Thor - 1225

Thor - 1226

“What troubles you, gatekeeper?”

Thor - 1227

“I turned my gaze upon you in Jotunheim and could neither see you nor hear you.”

And what about on Earth? Could you not see nor hear him then, too?

Also, what was his excuse for going to Jotunheim? The truce?

Thor - 1228

“Perhaps your senses have weakened after your many years of service.”

Yeah…. That’s it.

“Or perhaps someone has found a way to hide that which he does not which me to see.”

Colin:

Ah, so he can see anything, unless it’s being hidden. Well, that’s a nice power. I hope he gets paid well for that. Does he have kids? Do they take over? What’s bring your kid to work day like at the bi-frost gate?

Thor - 1229

“You have great power, Heimdall. Did Odin ever fear you?”

“No.”

Thor - 1230

“And why is that?”

“Because he is my king, and I am sworn to obey him.”

“He was your king. And you’re sworn to obey me now.”

Thor - 1231

He tells him not to open the Bifrost to anyone, until he has repaired the “damage” Thor has done.

Thor - 1232

She went to Harvard.

Thor - 1233

Product placement.

Thor - 1234

Exactly what happens when your parents knock on the door.

Thor - 1235

Thor - 1236

“Oh my god. Is he okay?”

Thor - 1237

“He’s fine. Not injured at all.”

Thor - 1238

Just SHITFACED!

Thor - 1239

Thor - 1240

“What happened?”

“We drank, we fought, he made his ancestors proud.”

Colin:

I like the inclusion of ‘he made his ancestors proud.’ That’s a great way to justify drunken behavior. “Mike! What are you doing?! Are you pissing on that cop car?!” “I’m making my ancestors proud!”

Thor - 1241

Thor - 1242

Colin:

This face.

Thor - 1243

“I still don’t think you’re the god of thunder.”

Thor - 1244

“But you ought to be.”

Colin:

That’s also good. Drunk people being honest and friendly. Everyone has that friend who gets honest and friendly while drunk. “You make the best pancakes. She makes the best pancakes, you guys. Will you make me pancakes? God, I love you so much. And pancakes.”

Thor - 1245

Thor - 1246

Yup. Know where this scene goes.

Thor - 1247

“Are these your chambers?”

“It’s more of a temporary living situation.”

Thor - 1248

“Oh.”

Colin:

Never ask a woman about her chambers.

Thor - 1249

Thor - 1250

“I don’t usually have guests.”

Thor - 1251

“That’s not the right place for it.”

Thor - 1252

Thor - 1253

“Can we go outside?”

After all that?

Thor - 1254

God.

Colin:

She’s so befuddled. He has muscles, so she loses her mind. And I’m betting the inside of her panties look like Depp at the end of Dead Man’s Chest right about now.

Thor - 1255

And this is where they roast s’mores and fuck.

Thor - 1256

“I come up here sometimes when I can’t sleep. Or when I’m trying to reconcile particle data.”

Naturally. Two things that go hand in hand.

Colin:

She’s a non-character. Wow, I can’t wait to see where she ranks on our character list.

You’re assuming she will.

Thor - 1257

“I’m really glad you’re safe.”

For selfish reasons, I imagine.

“You’ve been very kind to me, and I’ve been far less grateful than you deserve.”

That’s debatable.

“You know, I hit you with my car a couple times, so I think that kind of even things out.”

Does it?

“Perhaps I had it coming.”

No. No matter what you did, you didn’t have ‘getting hit by a car’ coming.

Thor - 1258

Thor - 1259

How many times have we seen this shot in franchises?

Thor - 1260

Colin:

He brought back her space diary. The tension builds. I can’t wait for them to not sleep together.

Thor - 1261

“It was all I could get back. I’m sorry it’s not all I promised.”

“No, this is great. I don’t have to start from scratch now.”

But close to it.

Thor - 1262

“What’s wrong?”

Thor - 1263

“SHIELD, whatever they are…”

REALLY?!

“They’re gonna do everything in their power to make sure this research never sees the light of day.”

Based on one encounter with them.

“No, Jane. Listen to me, you must not give up. You must finish what you’ve started.”

Colin:

Making them the bad guys now instead of talking about where he’s from and what the hell is going on. No need to touch on any of that.

Thor - 1264

“Because you’re right.”

They’re trying to stop her because she’s right? Okay.

Thor - 1265

“Your ancestors called it magic. And you call it science. Well, I come from a place where they’re one and the same thing.”

Colin:

He’s going to explain the universe to her. Nothing wets panties like explaining the universe. Except knowing in your heart, of course.

Thor - 1266

Thor - 1267

There are nine realms. Earth is one. There’s a world’s tree or something.

Colin:

Is there a knothole that Space Boo Radley leaves shit in?

Thor - 1268

She’s so turned on, hearing about science from a hot guy.

Thor - 1269

“Tell me more.”

Thor - 1270

Thor - 1271

Colin:

Tell me that’s not how he gets his powers back. Doodling in a girl’s notebook.

Thor - 1272

Colin:

Hah. He said Hooble Telescope. They have to laugh. “Hah! I am foreign! I’ve mispronounced a word! HAH!”

Thor - 1273

He tells her he’s from another planet, and she’s just going along with it.

Thor - 1274

Thor - 1275

And then we just cut to the moon.

Thor - 1276

She’s blowing him right now, isn’t she?

Thor - 1277

Nope. Just blew it.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow is Part IV, and the crying face!

(See the rest of Fun with Franchises here.)

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