Fun with Franchises: The Marvel Universe – Thor (2011), Part IV — “I Don’t Understand Your Norse Code”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is Thor.

Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.

We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.

We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.

Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.

Right now, we’re doing the Marvel Universe, and today is the fourth part of Thor.

We begin Part IV with sad warriors.

They’re hatching a plan. Or complaining. Probably both.

This guy.

Colin:

This is me, watching this movie. Eyes barely open, food.

Nothing like an overhead of a dude eating on good furniture.

He’s mad. He thinks he doesn’t care because he’s eating like a champion.

Colin:

“Do not mistake my appetite for apathy!” That’s got Ken all over it. Fakespeare.

“We all know what we have to do.”

One of them should start disrobing right now.

“We must go. We must find Thor.”

You’re so dead.

Colin:

See? The Japanese guy is the one with the answers after being the one who didn’t say shit earlier. That’s how you do it. You say nothing, because speaking gets you murdered, and then you hatch the plan later.

“It’s treason.”

“To hell with treason, it’s suicide.”

“Thor would do the same for us.”

“Heimdall might be watching.”

This is fucked up, that Heimdall can just watch whatever he wants.

Does he sleep? How does that work?

“Heimdall demands your presence.”

Well that was convenient.

Heimdall watches you masturbate.

Colin:

That was speedy. Does he have a Bluetooth to his flunky or something? Unclear on how that message was passed.

Sexually.

“We’re doomed.”

“You would defy the commands of Loki, our king?”

They’re clearly setting this up for him to help them.

But whatever. I’m more interested in how vaguely Oz this feels.

Colin:

Lots of gold on gold in this movie. Not really easy to see.

“You would break every oath you have taken as warriors and commit treason to bring Thor back?”

“Yes.”

Colin:

It’s dark and everything is gold. Help.

“Good.”

“So you will help us?”

“I am bound by honor to our king. I cannot open the bridge to you.”

Colin:

This scene needs a fucking Shirley Bassey bellow.

What does that mean, Heimdall? I don’t understand your Norse code.

“Complicated fellow, isn’t he?”

I don’t like you.

Colin:

We got loopholes and loopholes. Loki’s going to see it though, right? He has to. Does he fight the black guy? Sorry, I honestly don’t know what his name is or how to spell it.

Oh great. So the gate just opens itself.

How does the CGI look from up there?

I’m not really sure what this is gonna do to your plan. Banish them now too. Prevent them from coming back. Don’t try to kill them. Just leave them there.

Welcome to New Mexico.

How does SHIELD still not get what’s going on?

“Let’s go take a look.”

In our Acuras.

Colin:

“Let’s go take a look in our three different Acura models!”

SHIELD Agents in Cars Getting Coffee.

Has anyone ever done the Alka-Selzter? I never have. It seems like such a widely used thing in the movies, yet I’ve never done it once.

I’ve done Emergen-C, but never for hangovers. Mostly for food babies.

Colin:

I’ve done Alka-Seltzer, but only for the bubbles. I think it’s one of those things that most people don’t do now, but it’s still in the public consciousness as a thing associated with a certain kind of behavior, so Hollywood uses it. Like carriage rides in rom-coms. Nobody’s ridden in a carriage around Central Park in forever, but women like the idea of it. Meh.

That’s your breakfast? What is this, North Korea?

This is a bullshit family.

There’s been two cereal product placements so far. I approve of this.

Your breakfast is eggs and a piece of toast. Where the fuck is the bacon? Did Natalie have something to do with this?

Colin:

He made breakfast. Or at least, he brought it over after she made breakfast.

I love shit randomly getting canted.

Colin:

Good god with the canted angles.

Iced coffee? Fuck you.

“Ensure my brother does not return.”

I was half-expecting it to have a high-pitched, squeaky voice.

Got that, Silver Samurai?

Colin:

He’s sending the death robot, but he’d have to put it through the bi-frost first, yes? When’s he fighting the black guy?

Yeah, that part gets glossed over. How it gets there. You’d think Heimdall would see The Destroyer coming up behind Loki when he goes over there in a minute.

“Destroy everything.”

That’s a vague phrase.

Colin:

Not quite as vague as “smash.”

Bank of America.

And a Bicycle Shop.

We’re like, 2/3 of the way to a Pokémon existence here.

Colin:

This town’s gym leader would have four level 6 Cubones and give you the Shit Badge for winning.

Weird how there are no license plates on those cars. It’s almost as if they’re there to be destroyed.

This face.

Why are you looking at them sideways? Renaissance fair.

Colin:

They look like Renaissance fair assholes.

“Is there a Renaissance fair in town?”

See?

Colin:

Oh, I spoke too soon. The script said it for me.

Didn’t you just have a coffee?

Also, is that Matt Damon and Barack Obama?

“Base, we’ve got Xena, Jackie Chan and Robin Hood.”

Colin:

Why do they have flowers? Aren’t you broke? Isn’t this the desert?

“It’s a beautiful theory, Jane. But you won’t be able to convince the scientific community of any of it. Not without hard evidence.”

Who cares if she can convince anybody? Wasn’t Galileo practically killed for his theory? And then he jerked off out his window while he was under house arrest like, “I’m right, bitches!” That’s how that went, right?

“Found you!”

Christmas card.

Colin:

See, these people show up and if I’m Stellan, or just sane, I think they’re LARPers. Remember LARPing? Holy shit, remember Role Models?

Whispering Eye sounds like something that would be in Marvel.

Also, that guy became Ant-Man.

“Lady Sif and the Warriors Three.”

And Burger King. You guys sure do advertise a lot in a tiny ass town.

Colin:

Are they using a ping pong table as a table? Not sure I get that, but okay. Like, it’s supposed to make them look poor, even though I’m pretty sure a regular table could be gotten for cheaper.

How awesome would this be as a hangout house, though? We’d have the best parties in this town.

Is she turned on because he’s really from space?

“My friends, I’ve never been happier to see anyone. But you should not have come.”

“We’re here to take you home.”

“You know I can’t go home. My father is dead because of me.”

“And I must remain in exile.”

“Thor, your father still lives.”

Oh, right, your brother’s an asshole. How could you forget that?

Colin:

The my-father-still-lives track-in shot.

Like the sky behind this.

“Tell me, Loki, how did you get the Jotuns into Asgard?”

“You think the Bifrost is the only way in and out of this realm? There are secret paths between the worlds to which even you, with all your gifts are blind.”

So how do you know about them?

Also, way to just admit to something that could never be proven.

“But I have need of them no longer.”

That’s convenient.

He relieves him of his duties as gatekeeper.

Does he get a severance package?

“Then I need no longer obey you.”

So you can just conjure shit like that?

Colin:

Is that where we are? Freezing the black guy? Is that what’s going on?

Why tell the robot thing to go kill Thor if you were gonna take over the Bifrost gate yourself? Couldn’t you just prevent him from coming home now that the gatekeeper is dead?

So he can use that thing because he’s part blue, right?

How exactly do they unfreeze him, again?

The one black guy and this is what happens to him.

“Get somebody from linguistics down here.”

Colin:

Can I do that? Can I work for some clandestine agency and do linguistics for them? Show up wherever. “Yeah, I’ll get right on this. What? No, you kidding? No fucking idea what it means.”

Colin:

Are you KIDDING me? They put the Acuras in a big circle, the way they do when there’s a sales event commercial. Like Acuraugust or something.

And they’re all weirdly facing forward. This is actually terrifying.

There’s a flattering image.

I actually want to live in a town like this. Not like, forever. Just, for some of the year.

Colin:

Like, four hours of the year. To be precise.

Where did all those tailgaters come from, exactly?

Shitty Jurassic Park moment.

Colin:

Oh, you just messed up your Acura dashboard.

Colin:

Hey guys, remember Twister, with Helen Hunt? And Bill Paxton? I also need to rewatch A Serious Man.

First St. What a terrible town.

“Was somebody else coming?”

Me.

“Is that one of Stark’s?”

“I don’t know. That guy never tells me anything.”

Colin:

They had to mention Stark. Shouldn’t they know? Coulson JUST left Stark at his place to make the new element.

Right about now, Stark is discovering a new element.

Earth is having a really bad semester.

“Hello, you are using unregistered weapons technology. Identify yourself.”

How do you know?

“Here we go.”

Colin:

Acura: Get Vaporized Like Anyone Else

Colin:

Hah. Like someone who lives in a town like this is going to buy food or medicine from someone named Arturo.

“Jane, you have to leave.”

“Well what are you gonna do?”

“I’m staying here.”

Colin:

What’s his plan? Is he going to be the Owen Meany/Simon Birch of this scenario? 

“My friends, I’m just a man. I’ll only be in the way, or worse, get one of you killed. But I can help get these people to safety.”

Colin:

They’re gonna get the town out. That’s fair enough, considering it’s you the thing is after. Wait, for that matter…why don’t YOU just go? If Thor’s the target, shouldn’t he leave instead of letting them get fucked up?

The plot.

“Well if you’re staying, then so am I.”

This is one of the few times I’m okay with this moment. Because he’s being an idiot, so why shouldn’t she?

Boob grab!

“We need some time.”

“You’ll have it.”

He didn’t even argue with her? Just, “Okay”?

“Everybody out!”

And they just listen to him?

“Oh, hurry, you can eat later!”

How can they eat later… if they’re DEAD?!

Colin:

How is he not shot for looking like a robber? 

Oh, what a shame. A town that barely existed is now going to be totally destroyed.

This is almost a western, when you think about it that way.

Colin:

Fuck this town. Although…when you look at what happens to it, Samuel L. Jackson making the claim that it was “leveled” during The Avengers doesn’t really add up.

Thor helps put two children in the back of a truck. That’s his contribution?

Also, this town has way too much product placement for a town with only 2,000 people in it.

Not the booze!

Colin:

That’s a lot of Stella Artois. Are we to believe that this town consumes a lot of Stella?

This guys shares my reaction.

(Also, why is the black guy out of focus and behind glass?)

It’s funny how he said “destroy everything,” and then it just goes right after Thor and not much else.

Colin:

They’re doing the walk down. Four LARPers and a space robot. Doing the walk down. This is not a Western.

“Keep it distracted.”

She seems fun.

I hope this thing is the product placement destroyer.

Too easy.

This’ll end well.

“I’m Volstagg, and welcome to Jackass.”

Nobody tosses a dwarf, I thought.

Well he just got pimp slapped.

Colin:

That was a kind of tally ho, I guess. Not that it was successful. He got pimpsmacked into a car by a fire robot.

That entire thing was so fake it’s ridiculous.

Colin:

And you couldn’t clearly see any of it.

Well, there were only about a hundred people to move out, so now what do you do? I guess put yourselves in harm’s way like you said you wouldn’t do.

He’s gonna rape you with his big silver dick.

His body is ready.

This looks like a rape.

Tally ho!

Yeah right.

Well that was quick.

You guys remember cumming for the first time?

Something tells me it’s not dead, from that angle.

Also there are like 20 minutes left to the movie. That’s also probably a sign.

Colin:

We have 30 minutes left. That thing ain’t dead. See? See?

Why did it bother powering down, then?

Colin:

I bet that thing is flexible. Does it have a sex life, I wonder?

Does SHE have a sex life, I wonder.

No chance.

Colin:

This movie is boring. Though not as boring or awful as The Incredible Hulk. 

Don’t you know how your technology works? This thing lives on ASGARD!

Colin:

I thought it was sort of like the gargoyle things at Hogwarts that Maggie Smith summons. It’s available in time of emergency and maybe you know about it, but you don’t really think about it or know what its deal is. Also, why not send this thing to Jotunheim?

This whole plan seems flawed.

You is fucked.

 

Hair Affair.

Colin:

Such disregard for glass in this franchise.

This looks a lot like Los Angeles, sign-wise.

Also, “Do not loiter”? In a fucking laundromat?

Fuck you, lamp.

You’re all dead.

Colin:

PARKER, GET OUT!

Colin:

Wow, this is kinda Saving Private Ryan.

Complete with crying face!

You were told to destroy everything. Why are you focusing on these people?

Colin:

Does it have…face ammo?

Why did that explode conveniently like that?

He’s on fire.

News Stand Parking Only?

Also, maybe don’t run through an explosion like that. Maybe run in the opposite direction of the monster.

“Sif, you’ve done all you can.”

She jumped on it once.

“No, I will die a warrior’s death. Stories will be told of this day.”

Colin:

This is what we should be hearing from the Japanese guy.

“Live and tell those stories yourself.”

Colin:

This is Letters from Iwo Jima. Just way, way, way worse.

She so wants to fuck him.

“You must return to Asgard. You have to stop Loki.”

How do you know it’s Loki? Intuition?

“What about you?”

FUCK YOU.

“Don’t worry, my friends. I have a plan.”

So you told her not to die so you could?

Colin:

Oh, he’s self-sacrificing. That’s how he gets his helmet hammer back.

Why’d you take that from her just to drop it?

She says wait and they all stop to watch?

Colin:

Is your plan to crowd-source a plan? I have no idea what he might be trying to do as a buff but mortal man against the most effective killing machine since Johnny Five killed that grasshopper.

“What’s he doing?”

Really?

See, in concept, this is a good movie. In execution – I really don’t care.

Colin:

I was going to say, in concept, I don’t even care.

Colin:

What’s this music, by the way? Not exactly the music I was expecting for this moment, and a little too obviously uplifting, if you ask me.

High Noon.

Westerns are American Shakespeare.

Colin:

Is it possible to flex so hard the robot stops? Is that a thing?

I love it when cars and bodies are just kicked out of the way.

“Brother, whatever I have done to wrong you. Whatever I have done to lead you to do this, I am truly sorry.”

Colin:

Sorry never sounds quite as good when you’re saying “whatever I did.” You’re not sorry enough to even know what it was.

So he can hear him?

“But these people are innocent.”

And he’s monologuing over this?

“Taking their lives will gain you nothing.”

Is he controlling the Destroyer? Because that thing should have killed him by now.

“So take mine. And end this.”

So I guess he can control it?

The smart play would be to keep him alive. And tell him he did it because they were gonna bring about war. Loki still has complete deniability right now, outside of lying about Odin and freezing Heimdall.

DAMN!

Colin:

Aw, I am moved by your entreaties, SYKE PIMPSMACK YO DUMB ASS

I hope that was him fucking around as his brother. That would be great.

Boobies.

Pretty sure you have more wounds than that.

“It’s over.”

No it’s not.

“No, it’s not over.”

See?

Colin:

It’s over. This movie is over. “NO!” Well, really, though? Can it be?

“I mean, you’re safe. It’s over.”

And he’s dead.

Colin:

Is she gonna cry in his wounds or kiss him or something like that? Trinity the Phoenix? I dunno, franchises always have this moment.

I think she’s gonna make a crying face over the body. If we’re taking bets.

You should be the one who’s mad. He took your glory.

So you stopped the Destroyer from incinerating him and then had it slap him fifty feet away, and you just assume he’s dead from that?

They worked in the crying face!

So glad you had things to do in this movie.

And you.

Amazing how you knew all that from your coma.

Colin:

Dad cries in his sleep? Does he know? How does Anthony Hopkins always know?

He just impregnated like twenty-seven mortals.

What good is what’s about to happen? How can he be Thor… if he’s dead?!

Yes, thank you for bringing that back. Not sure we understood it the first time.

Colin:

Not once have I forgotten it when Anthony Hopkins whispered into a tool.

Colin:

Ah, this is where he gets the hammer, cause Anthony Hopkins cried and the curse is lifted or whatever. I’m beginning to understand why these movies are so confusing to our grandparents. Just give us two guys, so one can shoot the other. That’s a movie.

What I don’t get is, why is the hammer coming to him? Because it has to for the plot. It’s whoever holds the hammer. Not whoever the hammer chooses to give itself to from 50 miles away.

Holy shit!

Colin:

HAHA. It looks like they fired a missile at his corpse! How much would that suck? You’re dead? MISSILE TO THE CORPSE!

The hammer should pause on his dead body and just sort of nudge him a few times.

Colin:

Like Simba and Mufasa.

I guess lightning energizes him?

Colin:

This movie is giving OCD people cancer. You know that the really OCD people walked out of this movie like 12 minutes in and went home for a Wes Anderson marathon cleanse.

That’s funny. The hammer knocked him silly and he’s just shooting fire all over.

The power of Thor comes complete with clothing.

Colin:

That’s such a better way to get dressed. Mostly I just sit around in my underwear for a while until I work up the energy to put pants on.

“Oh. My. God.”

Get it?

And here’s where we get shitty again.

Can that thing fly?

Also, how about you just go destroy everything and ignore him?

Colin:

He’s really good with his wrist. Like, a little too good.

And that doesn’t suck up the humans who way less than a tenth of that thing?

Fuck you fire!

He just took a baseball swing at fire.

Sure. Just watch.

Colin:

Super unclear on how this is working. The last time I tried to put out a fire with a hammer, my fingers fused together.

Colin:

That was anti-climactic. He wasn’t Thor for most of this movie, which I can appreciate them doing. But once he became Thor…15 seconds?

So that town is leveled.

Just like Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

How is that town still standing?

Colin:

How are the magazines still on the newsstand? How is the phone not off the hook? How are the potted plants still in place?

And why do the cars know conveniently where to fall?

Colin:

It lifted cars, but couldn’t pick up a few magazines.

“So is this how you normally look?”

“More or less.”

“It’s a good look.”

Colin:

She REALLY wants the D now. When you find out that homeless guy you had a crush on was actually a Norse god, you know. Actually, have you been Brooklyn lately? I’m glad I’m not a girl or a gay guy cause it’s starting to get harder to distinguish who’s homeless and who’s not.

“We must go to the Bifrost site.”

And get back… how?

By standing around?

“I will have words with my brother.”

Colin:

So there’s just ONE place on Earth where you can use the Bifrost? Or in this area? Or…what?

I think they just sort of decide where it picks them up. Like Scotty and beaming.

“Excuse me.”

“Donald.”

At least they didn’t abandon that thing.

“I don’t think you’ve been completely honest with me.”

“Know this, son of Coul, you and I, we fight for the same cause, the protection of this world. From this day forward, you can count me as your ally.”

Colin:

Son of Coul. Holy shit, I never caught that before. His name is Coulson. That’s great.

“If you return the items you have taken from Jane.”

“Stolen.”

“Borrowed.”

“Of course you can have your equipment back. You’re gonna need it to continue your research.”

“Would you like to see the bridge we spoke of?”

Colin:

She has no idea what to do. Would a Norse god really go for a girl that short?

Colin:

“To hell with your debriefing, HOOOOOOOOOOO!”

“Welcome to Asgard.”

Colin:

Can’t people see them just walk in like that? Where are the peasants? Do they keep them in boxes and bring them out for the coronation? Like Potemkin villagers? Oh, read a book.

Why would you leave him there to defrost?

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow is Part V, and another… not, quite climax.

(See the rest of Fun with Franchises here.)

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