Fun with Franchises: The Marvel Universe – Thor (2011), Part V — “Don’t You Talk About My Earth Bitch”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is Thor.

Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.

We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.

We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.

Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.

Right now, we’re doing the Marvel Universe, and today is the fifth and final part of Thor.

We begin Part V trying to go back to Asgard.

Technically this whole movie has been Coming to America.

“Heimdall, open the Bifrost.”

Colin:

His name is Heimdall. I learned it. I mean, I could have called him Idris Elba. But why would he expect him to be there, if the destroyer thing just came to kill him? He should know that Loki’s running it.

Is this the symbol that was on baby Loki’s head?

It’s kind of fucked up that he just assumes the black guy is there and will do the work for him.

They have the exact same facial expression.

“Heimdall?”

Colin:

She has skinny legs.

Cutting wide is the key to comedy.

Also, where’s everyone else?

Apparently sheer will can do that?

“Heimdall!”

Sure, just shout. That’ll work.

Shitting pose.

Colin:

He just popped out the ice like WHAT UP I GOT A BIG COCK Y’ALL

I love how two Frost Giants were left there to watch him, just in case this happened.

Wouldn’t they have pushed him over the side or something?

Frost Giants seem useless, as far as battle goes.

I appreciate you focusing on her more than the others.

And not putting the moustache fuck in this shot.

Can I have a big sword that opens doors in my house?

Look at his stupid run.

“I must go back to Asgard, but I give you my word. I will return for you.”

Colin:

Okay, so they’re going back and he intends on returning in a matter of minutes, or what?

“Deal.”

That wasn’t a deal. That was him telling you what’s up.

Colin:

If it’s only gonna be for a few minutes and he expects to have no issues, why doesn’t she just come along?

Kissing a little too hard there, Natalie.

Colin:

Look at her as they kiss and tell me her ear isn’t pointed back like 45 degrees further than most ears are.

How’s this making Sif feel?

“Deal.”

Colin:

Also, ewwwwww. She’s an Earth girl. Earth girls are easy.

Colin:

It’s a good thing he wasn’t hit by Fran Drescher’s car.

Let’s point out that this portal decided to drop him off in New Mexico, of all places.

Really? Not a single cut to Sif? That was deliberate.

Colin:

This looks like 2001: A Space Odyssey.

Back out of the shitty tube we come.

“Get him to the healing room.”

Okay.

Colin:

Is there ONE healing room for this entire place? Cause I guess all the peasants can just die. They only turn up to clap and stuff. Not many clapping wounds, are there?

Do you think they know about the coma yet?

“Leave my brother to me.”

Colin:

So is he still wearing the ex-boyfriend’s clothes under the armor? Why did the ex-boyfriend leave that much clothing?

Colin:

The way that’s edited, it looks like Thor’s using ice to break in, which is not the case when you think about it.

Yeah, sure. Let’s see how that goes, Rene Russo.

Colin:

I was about to ask if mom knows how to use a sword, but they’re pretty self-explanatory. Pointy end, bad guy.

I like that they have a sword just chilling in a stool, or whatever that is. That’s like, an armrest, and you can just pull a sword out of it. What a badass thing to have in your house.

Lotta dust in his coma pod.

This place is really gold.

Facial expressions.

The benefit of not using CGI.

Lotta pimp smacking going on.

Colin:

He just pimpsmacked the queen. This movie has a very high pimpsmacking quotient (PQ).

That’s the good thing about vikings — pimpsmacking, table flipping, and destroying cups.

Kinda weird that Loki’s still going through with this.

Is everyone at home, just watching Sven Svenson on the news? Are they just finding out about the coma now?

Colin:

He should drop tobasco sauce in the eyeball.

“It’s said that you can still hear and see what transpires around you.”

Shouldn’t that be burning his skin like the other people from earlier?

“I hope it’s true. So that you may know that your death came at the hands of Laufey.”

Colin:

Why don’t they turn into white people here? Why did Loki?

Colin:

Not going to be a honey potion in the ear? Why do I always think it’ll be a honey potion in the ear?

Reaction shots are the key to comedy.

It looks like he’s putting his balls on his face.

Whoa, that’s a hell of a high ceiling above your fuck pad.

Well that makes perfect sense.

Also, his staff can do that?

He’s killed two fathers so far.

“And your death came by the son of Odin.”

He just killed his own father so he could make things better for his adopted father, even though he’s the reason his adopted… oh fuck it.

Colin:

So, how was I the only one who saw this coming? Loki needs evidence to show his people that Jotuns were here, which means a witness (mom) and dead Jotuns for proof. This guy should have known something was up.

I’m sure a large chunk of the audience is baffled at this moment because they only deal in good guys and bad guys. Which is fine. As I said, give me a movie where there are two guys and it ends with one of them shooting the other. That’s a movie.

Have you guys seen Trading Places?

Colin:

I’d hate to disintegrate.

So Jotunheim is pretty useless now, huh?

“Loki, you saved him.”

What?

Colin:

FUCK YOU.

“I swear to you mother, that they will pay for what they’ve done today.”

Except you have about six witnesses who can prove otherwise.

Colin:

Also, now that there’s war against Jotunheim, wouldn’t everyone want Thor back? Isn’t his banishment supposed to be to keep the peace? I know that’s only what Loki told him, but the rest of the people would probably be like, “Well shit, this only proves he was right. Bring him back now.” The peasants will oil their hands for clapping and might even chant.

“Loki.”

Uh huh.

“Why don’t you tell them how you sent the Destroyer to kill our friends, to kill me?”

Colin:

Destroyer. It is the destroyer. I’m still thinking about the creepy way it reversed itself. If you can turn your head around 180 degrees, I don’t want to spend time with you. Yes, that means most owls, too.

Colin ain’t got time for all of those Ga’Hoodlums.

“It must have been enforcing father’s last command.”

“You’re a talented liar, brother. Always have been.”

And yet, you believed him.

“It’s good to have you back. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to destroy Jotunheim.”

Wait, so he gets them into Asgard to fuck up Thor’s big day. Then Thor decides, “They got in, so I’ll kill them,” and gets banished for it. And then Loki, through random finding out of being adopted, gives Odin a stroke. And then he goes, “Well, Thor’s out of the way, so I’ll get Jotunheim to show up again, and this time, I’ll kill them and prove that I should be king.” What?

Wasn’t the point of banishment that he shouldn’t be rushing into war? He set this whole thing up to look like a legitimate reason to kill them? Doesn’t he know Odin understands what’s going on around him? And did Jotunheim ever know he was one of them? And why the fuck was that his plan? Couldn’t he have kept Thor banished and been king and proved himself that way? Odin banished him. So all you really needed to do was be a good king while Thor was gone. And then he comes back like, “What the fuck?” and Odin’s like, “Well, he’s done a good job so far, so let’s stick with him.” Despite having tried to kill two people, one of whom is family. This plan makes no sense at all. I guess it’s the “All’s well that ends well” theory?

Colin:

I get it, sort of. He needs to be seen doing SOMETHING to protect the realm or whatever. So he gets rid of his rival and saves dad at the same time. Makes him look like the hero who’s now justified in striking back. It’s basically the 9/11 conspiracy version of Asgard vs. Jotunheim.

Why wouldn’t you have him help? Treat him like second in command? You’re clearly making yourself look guilty by doing this.

CG as fuck.

Colin:

Thor falls, yes, but why did we need the shot of Loki riding his horse down the bridge?

His entire plan is revealed, and he’s still planning on committing genocide in the hopes that it’ll impress his father.

Just gonna say it – this bridge looks like a laser shooting out of a dick.

So if you piss down the Bifrost, can you hit someone on another planet without them knowing who did it?

Colin:

Doesn’t it seem like the bi-frost is the nuclear weapon of this universe? Like, they could use it on anyone and destroy their planet. So how are there wars? How did the Jotuns wage a war before? Couldn’t Odin just have kicked on the bi-frost for like 10 seconds to remind them their planet is fucked if they do anything upsetting? You know, like a nuclear deterrent?

At this point, why not? What else is this planet good for?

I like the coloring of this set.

And as he just stands there while an entire planet is being wiped out.

Colin:

I kinda like your ice tree.

Min-Ice Tirith?

Colin:

He made it all the way down Rainbow Road without falling off once.

No Chomp Chomps here.

“You can’t stop it. The Bifrost will build until it rips Jotunheim apart.”

Didn’t that sound a lot like, “You may have blinded the Basilisk, but it can still hear you”?

Wasn’t he invincible with that hammer?

Man, the Frost Giants sure have some bad luck.

Colin:

Look at these assholes.

Meanwhile, they’re just chilling, 50 miles from the nearest town.

Colin:

Look at these canted assholes.

Whoa, what’s with this shot?

“Why have you done this?”

It’s actually pretty obvious. He wants love from his father, while also dealing with identity issues. He wants to destroy the part of him that’s from Jotunheim, and embrace his Asgard half, which he can’t do because his father prefers Thor.

“To prove to Father that I am a worthy son.”

See?

“When he awakes, I will have saved his life.”

And… all that other stuff that you can’t explain. Which he saw.

“I will have destroyed that race of monsters.”

Which he didn’t want to do at the beginning. And of which he is one.

Also, what capabilities did they have to go to war? Jotunheim had no Casket, and they said “We’re going to war with you.” In that sense, that’s basically like North Korea declaring war on people. What the fuck are they gonna get done? And the places look the same.

“And I will be true heir to the throne.”

Yeah… remember when you were a blue person?

“You can’t kill an entire race.”

Why not?

“Why not?”

HA!

THIS FACE!

Colin:

Hiddleston’s good. Too bad he has a dumb costume and a pretty weak character.

“And what is this newfound love for the Frost Giants?”

Yeah, what is it?

“You could have killed them all with your bare hands.”

Well that’s because they can’t fight worth a shit.

“I’ve changed.”

Colin:

His problem is that he argues with people. He’s too honest. Why argue? Just be like, “Oh, that’s cool. Kill the blue guys and we’ll have some blue shit.” And then when he’s not looking you clock him with the hammer.

“Now fight me.”

That’s pretty great. He’s way stronger than you, and you’re telling him to fight you.

“I never wanted the throne.”

Yeah, you did. You just said you did.

“I only ever wanted to be your equal.”

Which you still can be.

“I will not fight you, brother!”

“I’m not your brother. I never was.”

Oh, well in that case…

“Loki, this is madness.”

I feel like I’ve heard that phrase at least a dozen times in franchises.

Colin:

I really thought we’d have retired that line by now. You can’t hear that line and not see someone being kicked into a chasm. That’s a chasm-kicking line.

“Is it madness? Is it?”

Yeah. It is.

Oh, well in that case…

“Tell me, what happened to you on earth that turned you so soft?”

Butt stuff.

“Don’t tell me it was that woman.”

“Oh. It was. Well maybe, when we’re finished here, I’ll pay her a visit myself.”

Colin:

Now he’s just getting nasty. Trying to fuck your Earth bitch.

That’s what did it? None of the other stuff? Genocide is one thing, but don’t you talk about my Earth bitch.

Why are those two weapons equal?

Colin:

So much of this movie. In the dark. Action in the dark. Even the action during the day was blurry.

Kneecap!

Colin:

How could Loki block the hammer from above? It’s impossible to lift, meaning it has theoretically unlimited weight. We see Thor hold him down later by putting the hammer on his chest. If Loki’s able to block the hammer while he’s on the ground, that would necessarily mean that Thor is holding it up rather than striking down. See how logic doesn’t work in this universe?

Colin:

I like a hammer to sing. I’ll give them the sound design on this.

Whew. Look at that. That was close.

Or I guess it was a…Mjol-near miss.

He looks like the Green Goblin, and it’s creeping me out.

Colin:

This is like a worse version of the Gandalf – Saruman fight.

I’m not even sure what I’m watching anymore.

Never do that.

Shitting pose.

They are just cutting all over the place right now.

Anybody giving a shit about this? Anyone at all?

Are the other guys still bringing Heimdall to the healing room? Not gonna double back to check on your buddy?

Also, I just realized — Loki said he was gonna bring Laufey and a few guys in here to get rid of Odin. Which amounted to three, total. Two killed by Heimdall, and Laufey himself. Did that not tip him off that he was only gonna let in three of them? Motherfucker could have walked in fifty and said “king’s business” and no one would have said a fucking word. Everyone in this movie is pretty stupid.

It’s always so amusing when people throw other people across rooms.

Well that’s probably dangerous.

Does nobody learn?

Sure.

Oh good, now we’re back on Rainbow Road.

Uh oh, he’s gonna fall off Rainbow Road. That’s what you get for fucking up that jump off the opening ramp to try to get halfway across the board.

What’s that road made out of?

This is how the Lion King ended.

I know we’re going for Shakespeare, but… Lion King.

“Brother, please.”

Colin:

He’s hanging and whimpering. I call bullshit.

Yup.

“Oh, you dick!”

Colin:

They didn’t give me long enough to finish writing my sentence before the bullshit was revealed.

Colin:

“Hi, I’m Thor. I’m here for the gangbang?”

“ENOUGH!”

His body is not ready.

Colin:

Okay, that was cool. Still haven’t seen any more table flips. That will remain my highlight from this movie.

Lotta rape shots in this movie.

That’s fucked up. Put the hammer on him knowing he can’t lift it.

This is objectively pretty funny. That he’s stuck there because the hammer can’t be picked up by anyone else.

Colin:

 “…and as he put his hammer on Loki’s chest, Loki’s breathing grew faster….” I hate Marvel because you know that someone, or even multiple someones, have almost definitely written gay Thor-Loki fan-fiction and their justification is that they’re not real brothers. Like, I love the Internet, but I hate the Internet.

Great camera placement.

This is cool. I like rainbow bridges over water.

So how much of Jotunheim is gone now because of all this?

“Look at you. Mighty Thor.”

“With all your strength. And what good does it do you now, huh?”

“Do you hear me, brother?”

“There’s nothing you can do.”

Well, I guess that’s something.

Colin:

Anthony Hopkins wakes up, coffee in his cup.

“What are you doing?”

Colin:

NO THAT’S THE RAINBOW BRIDGE I SPENT HUNDREDS OF HOURS PLAYING TREASURE COVE TO BUILD

I picture him having a Seinfeld voice right now. “What are you doing? That’s the only way outta here!”

“If you destroy the bridge, you’ll never see her again!”

What about all those secret passages you talked about like, an hour ago?

Obviously the Jotuns got in somehow. There are ways.

Colin:

See how clumsy that is? We’re supposed to care that destroying the bridge will keep him from seeing Natalie, but we’re not trusted to understand the significance of what’s going on, so the line goes to Loki for him to remind Thor – and us – what it means that he’s wailing on this bridge.

Loki doesn’t give a shit that he’ll never see her and doesn’t necessarily know that Thor cares about her that much either, so this line is just HORRIBLY misplaced exposition to help us put two and two together. The idiots in the audience are like, “omigod RIGHT!” And the rest of us and sitting here thinking, “Really? Fucking really right now?”

That’s abstract.

“Forgive me, Jane.”

I’m sure she does.

Yeah, you got stabbed during this.

So… they can just rebuild this. Not sure how that does it.

colin:

Can they rebuild it? It looks like it’s made of abalone jizz. 

Couldn’t he have thrown the hammer inside to take the sword out?

Colin:

Good point. Also, maybe he can do some of that “building” that Odin said you can do with the hammer.

Colin:

I guess I’m right back to Treasure Cove now, rebuilding this shit. Thor’s gonna do some Super Seeking in Natalie’s pants and bubble her goobies.

My new euphemism for sex is ‘bubbling goobies.’”

Colin:

Remember that soundtrack? How the fuck has nobody sampled the cave music from that game? That song had a slamming bass line for a Learning Company game.

Oh right, Thor.

And all of Asgard was just killed in a tidal wave.

Is this where Neo comes and grabs them?

Taste the rainbow.

Colin:

No idea what I’m looking at now.

I’m not quite sure either. I like all of the things in this shot, but I don’t quite know what Asgard is. Not a planet, just like… a realm.

I guess it’s actually Space Mountain.

Uh oh, someone caught them. Who could it be?

Was that bridge made of crystal?

So you’re alive.

You managed to get over here pretty quickly for a stroke victim.

This is a, “What the fuck did you guys do while I was away” moment.

You have a lot of strength for a stroke victim.

“I could have done it, Father.”

“I could have done it. For you. For all of us.”

“No, Loki.”

Wow. I thought he was gonna say more. He left it at that. That’s some cold ass shit.

Colin:

That was cold as ice. 

Was kinda holding out hope he’d have that stroke voice.

What are you crying about? The fucking portal thing is still open.

“No.”

Yeah, now you have to choose Thor.

He makes a crying face too.

Is this the Gone Girl poster?

And the Final Fantasy music?

And the Assassination of Jesse James poster?

Colin:

Okay, that’s a good shot of them with the silhouettes on the sky. Stellan’s hair is looking…wispy.

Sure, just make Kat Dennings walk away so we can get the sun in the shot.

Colin:

Yeah, you walk away, Darcy. Fuck your college credit. And Natalie, he only kissed you. There is NO obligation. For that matter, isn’t the rule three days? You shouldn’t expect him back so soon anyway. There was no specific agreement on when it would be.

What, are you gonna walk away too now? Is this Ocean’s Eleven?

Holy shit, this is that.

Wow, you look like Anne Hathaway playing a teenage hooker.

Colin:

Have you guys seen Ella Enchanted?

Why are you so sad and walking away? He’s a mythical fucking being who traveled between planets. If anyone can find a way to get back, it’s this guy.

Have fun going back to your town that doesn’t exist!

Did anyone catch that little Matrix ripple that happened as we passed over into CGI?

Colin:

They don’t have our sun, right? Cause that’d be too easy.

They’re all part of that tree thing. So there’s some sort of through line throughout them all. Because it’s weird that they’re the only ones who can transport from planet to planet. (Have they ever explained how Jotunheim got to Tonsberg, anyway?)

Also, doesn’t Guardians take place around here? There have to be spaceships that can get around here. This Asgard business is confusing.

Does no one live here?

Is that the Galactic Senate over there/

Colin:

There’s a table ripe for flipping.

I like that chandelier. A boat holding candles that can catch its own wax.

Must suck for the peasant that has to clean it, though.

That’s how you get over shit.

Fuck bitches, drink mead.

A ha, let us laugh at the attempted hostile takeover.

Colin:

He’s eating and telling stories. I assume they’re also drinking. Cause that’s the only way to eat and tell stories.

“Remember when I got pimpsmacked by that giant robot?”

Which is now no longer part of your security system.

That’s dangerous.

Are they having an Irish funeral for Loki?

I’m glad they’re making her unrequited love for him something only visual and not spoken.

P.S. she’s apparently the sister of Heimdall. I randomly found that out.

So go figure that one out.

Colin:

Were they supposed to bang, or something? Betrothed, or whatever it would be called in this universe?

“Hi, Rene Russo.”

“Bye, Rene Russo.”

That’s a pretty accurate description of her purpose in this movie.

Doesn’t even get to say a word here.

“My Queen, I’m so sorry for your loss.”

Colin:

Certainly seems that way. She follows him over and starts talking to mom. “Anyway, I guess I won’t be your daughter in law cause Thor found some Earth hussy to law waste to.”

Well damn, that’s how you react?

HOLY SHIT SHE DOESN’T SAY A WORD.

That’s insane. What kind of casting is that?

“How is he?”

“He mourns for his brother. And he misses her.”

Colin:

This shot exemplifies how women can are shown in Marvel movies. They look at men, and they do so in two ways: head tilted, or head straight.

“The mortal.”

Weird overlay.

There are mountains and shit here. Asgard seems like a cool place, but I have no idea how it’s set up or how any of this works. You have a waterfall that leads into space.

“You’ll be a wise king.”

“There will never be a wiser king than you.”

That’s not what he said, motherfucker, is it?

Colin:

This is the part where Anthony Hopkins tells him to see the world. You know, ‘sow your royal oats.’

“Or a better father.”

“I have much to learn. I know that now. And some day, perhaps, I shall make you proud.”

“You’ve already made me proud.”

Colin:

Daddy time. They’re going to have the discussion that they would have had already except for the plot. I have to learn things, I’m proud of you, blah blah. They’re milking it. Long, long pauses. I wish Fats would show up and say something really vulgar and tell Odin to kill people.

We have a Fats doll in our office. It sits in the hallway and scares the people who come in to clean at night.

Colin:

That shit would scare me during the day.

He stood in front of green screens for half this movie.

What? Heimdall’s still standing there? Is this like the dog that kept going to the train station to wait for its dead person to come back?

Colin:

Idris at the end of the rainbow bridge. There’s also a Rainbow Bridge in Tokyo, but it doesn’t take you to the Master of Mischief’s evil laboratory. Is this where they show you that the bridge is regrowing?

“So Earth is lost to us.”

What about the other 8? Aren’t those gone too?

“No. There is always hope.”

And the secret passages Loki told you about.

Colin:

Hey, what about how the Jotuns got in? They didn’t use the bi-frost and they still managed to make the trip. How about that? Is this just plot?

Colin:

I like that he just always has the hammer, even though he can just Accio it.

“Can you see her?”

What?

“Yes.”

“What’s she wearing? Is she thinking about me? Tell me what’s she’s doing real slow…”

“How is she?”

“She searches for you.”

Colin:

He asked how she was, not what she was doing. 

Colin:

Your man left you and you spent time searching the sky for him…cause yeah. She wants the hammer.

Colin:

“Yeah. She wants the hammer.”

And that’s the end of the movie!

Actually the end of the movie. All of this stuff is credits.

I just really like this space stuff.

They give us the title card at the very end.

Oh, right, and end credits.

Really?

Colin:

Thor will return in The Avengers. Thanks. Didn’t want it to be a surprise. Not that it would be.

“Dr. Selvig.”

“So you’re the man behind all this?”

Colin:

So Stellan is in the basement, and Samuel wants to talk.

“So why the labyrinth? I was thinking they were taking me down here to kill me.”

Reaction shots.

Colin:

“I thought you were going to kill me.” “……(Motherfucker.)”

“I’ve been watching the New Mexico situation. Your work has impressed a lot of people who are much smarter than I am.”

Colin:

There was The China Syndrome, and now? The New Mexico Situation.

“I have a lot to work with. The Foster theory. A gateway to another dimension. It’s unprecedented.”

The Foster Theory. Jesus.

“Isn’t it?”

“Legend tells us one thing. History, another.”

“But every now and then we find something that belongs to both.”

Colin:

I’m checked out. There’s a thing. Oh, it’s the Captain America thing. So that saves us the trouble of worrying about that movie. Well, that movie took place during WWII, so I guess we REALLY don’t have to worry about that movie.

“What is it?”

“Power, doctor.”

“If we can figure out how to tap it, it may be unlimited power.”

Colin:

I’m sorry, but was that intentional? Samuel L. Jackson, the sole recipient of UN-LIM-IT-ED P-OW-ER in another franchise we’ve covered, now says the same line himself?

We all secretly root for him to not be dead.

Colin:

“Whaddaya know, Loki’s still alive.” Fucking really. He was “dead” for all of 5 minutes in this franchise.

Combined.

“Well I guess that’s worth a look.”

Colin:

I like Hiddleston breaking the fourth wall to show us that he’s got Stellan locked up. Mind control is cool, as long as you’re not the mind controlled.

“Well I guess that’s worth a look.”

If this shot was presented out of context as the final shot in the film, people would wonder what the fuck happened throughout the rest of the movie.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow, we go over our favorite images from the film.

(See the rest of Fun with Franchises here.)

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