Fun with Franchises: The Marvel Universe – Captain America: The First Avenger, Part II — “Stanley Tucci’s Making the Face Again”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is Captain America: The First Avenger.

Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.

We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.

We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.

Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.

Right now, we’re doing the Marvel Universe, and today is the second part of Captain America: The First Avenger.

We begin Part II with stickball, a real piece of nostalgia for people from Brooklyn in the 40s.

This kids don’t look 40s at all.

Nobody shouted “Car!”

“I know this neighborhood.”

Really good noodles?

Colin:

You mean DEAD PEOPLE?

“I got beat up in that alley.”

That’s an alley? Looks like a street.

Colin:

This looks like Once Upon a Time in America.

That actually looks like the exact building where the Children of Men tracking shot begins.

“And that parking lot.”

“And behind that diner.”

Colin:

Yes, you got beat up a lot and she’s hot. You would have died a virgin without this serum.

Technically we don’t know if he’s ever not a virgin.

“Did you have something against running away?”

The ability to run?

“You start running, they’ll never let you stop. You stand up, push back – can’t say no forever, right?”

If you say so. Sounds like they’ll just beat you up if they want to, whether you run or not.

“I know a little of what that’s like. To have every door shut in your face.”

Because you’re British? I’m not good with metaphors.

Why are you looking at her vag and why is that your facial expression?

“I guess I don’t know why you’d want to join the army if you were a beautiful dame.”

+10 for the use of the word dame.

Bring that back.

Colin:

Judi and Helen?

Nah, not even the official ones. The lower case dames.

They should use that word in everything.

Imagine a movie about kids. “I don’t like a dame that drinks apple juice.” But it’s kindergarten.

“Or a woman. An agent. Not a dame.”

“You have no idea how to talk to a woman, do you?”

Colin:

Considering that dame is the feminine equivalent of “sir,” it’s a pretty great example of how men’s tone is all that’s required to make something completely benign an offensive term.

Huckleberry Finn:

Tell me about it.

“I think this is the longest conversation I’ve had with one.”

Because you’re an orphan, or just useless?

This orphan is going to be given powers.

“Women aren’t exactly lining up to dance with a guy they might step on.”

You said dance but I heard bang.

“You must have danced.”

Oh, so that’s gonna be their thing? Dancing?

Not fucking?

“Well, asking a woman to dance always seems so terrifying. And the past few years it just, didn’t seem to matter that much. Figured I’d wait.”

Sounds like you’re talking about fucking.

“For what?”

“The right partner.”

That’s just rationalization for not being able to get laid.

Also, definitely fucking.

Colin:

Well, you can always use it to make it look like you’re more sensitive than you are.

Just in case you didn’t get it.

Colin:

They’re not gonna bang.

The movie says they’re gonna, which means they’re not gonna.

An antiques shop? Not an orange stand?

I like 40s New York.

Colin:

I’m only noticing this now, but there are like 12 Buick Specials of different years around this set, including the one they’re arriving in and the car parked behind it. And some others on the road. It’s not like that’s just the government car, because there are random ones and convertibles and they’re all different years. It’s like they called up an owner’s club to see if they could get one to borrow for the movie and the club just let them take every one.

It’s a hit!

Weird how they knew exactly where they were gonna be.

Colin:

These guys are staking out the shop? Why aren’t they inside where they can see what’s going on? If you know that the HQ is inside and you let them walk in and get away, that’s your own fault.

Hitmen in the 40s were so well-dressed.

This looks better than how an antiques store would look now.

Why is she just standing there? Don’t trust this old woman.

“Wonderful weather this morning.”

“Yes, but I always carry an umbrella.”

Colin:

Limey birds always do.

That’s it? That’s the code? This is New York. Your code better be her getting out a bat, going, “Get the fuck out of my shop,” and Carter going, “So help me, my father is Chief of Police and I’ll have him set fire to this place!”

Colin:

That was a dumb code.

You either get the button or the Tommy gun.

It’s great how flammable old buildings are.

Do did none of those books fall off as the doors open?

Weird place for a lab.

For some reason, that woman looking up from the desk reminded me of His Girl Friday, when Hildy shows up at the beginning.

They’re going John Williams with the score here. I like it. Overdo the score in these moments.

“You know what the difference is between me and you? I make this look good.”

Colin:

And here we are at Men in Black. Or the Ministry of Magic. But seriously. I told you this was MIB.

This is like Dr. No. I like it.

Colin:

I hope there’s a locker room where all these people can suit up because otherwise it’ll look like a lot of military personnel are just randomly into antiques.

How deep is this building? This isn’t all under the antiques store.

Also, is that alleyway back there? What if some kid started looking in, like Moonwalker?

Way to make him not feel self-conscious.

What the fuck was that look about?

Sure, just take a motherfucker’s picture without asking.

“Are you ready?”

Colin:

The Orgasmatron.

Colin:

“Strip. You heard me. Get butt-ass nekkid.”

They brought a senator down here? This is government approved?

“Why exactly am I in Brooklyn?”

That is not the borough you say that about.

Apparently the reason is they needed access to the power grid.

And now we meet some random guy from the State Department, because why not?

Colin:

Random people from the government, cause why the hell not? Wasn’t Stark supposed to be here too?

“Jeez, somebody get that kid a sandwich.”

No fluids.

“Comfortable?”

How come his asthma hasn’t been a thing yet?

“It’s a little big.”

He’s so nice you know he ain’t making it out of this.

“You save me any of that Schnapps?”

“Not as much as I should have.”

Colin:

What happens if he has liquor before the procedure? Would he get secret booze powers? I’ve always wanted secret booze powers. I mean, I have booze powers, but none of them are secret.

I like a guy who gets shitfaced and is hungover on the day of his greatest achievement.

That’s two so far in this franchise.

“Mr. Stark, how are your levels?”

“We may dim half the lights in Brooklyn, but we are ready. As we’ll ever be.”

Colin:

Oh, there’s Stark, without a good quip. Really, what’s a Stark without a quip?

A Wayne?

“Agent Carter, don’t you think it would be more comfortable in the booth?”

Was that a woman thing or a, “Get the fuck out of my doctor area” thing?

Colin:

Can’t it be both?

Just a reminder they’re gonna want to fuck.

“You hear me? This on?”

How nice. The three guys we met all in one shot.

Please let him start singing “In Dreams.”

“Ladies and gentlemen. Today –”

Is our Independence Day.

“We take not another step toward annihilation, but the first step on the path to peace.”

Do those people even know what buttons they’re hitting back there?

Seems like 95% of this is inside the shots. The rest is just Easy Cap Oven.

Nipple sponges.

Seven injections? What is this, rabies?

Also, why are they in a bread box?

He explains the process. I don’t care.

“That wasn’t so bad.”

“That was penicillin.”

Colin:

Penicillin! Hah! That doesn’t work anymore. Wait, does it? I’m actually not super sure. Anyway, anti-vaxxers are dumb.

Great way to inject shit.

Colin:

Seriously. This is knobs and levers and switches. Fucking Kill-switch En-gauge.

Didn’t we do this movie already?

Oh, wait YOU NEVER FUCKING SHOWED IT TO US that time!

Colin:

What’s with the blue shit? Who died?

You guys remember cumming for the first time?

“Hold onto your butts.”

Colin:

I wish Stanley Tucci had made that face the first time I came.

He did.

Stark really has no purpose in this movie. He just turns levers. This could be anyone and you wouldn’t know the difference.

That’s highly advanced mechanics for 1940.

American Frankenstein.

Colin:

Oh shit, he’s a Metapod! Steve Rogers used HARDEN!

It’s Super Effective.

Though why is he strapped down? Isn’t that thing gonna bust off when he expands?

To ask the question now and save it — if that guy is Hydra, why doesn’t he blow it now to prevent them from succeeding? Why wait and give him the chance to?

“Steven? Can you hear me?”

“Probably too late to go to the bathroom, right?”

You haven’t had fluids for 12 hours. Do you still need to?

Somebody tiled that floor.

Couple of things. Love that he plasters his logo on everything. “This is Stark Tech, motherfucker.”

Also, Vita Ray — is that the early version of gamma ray? It seems like they’re putting chemicals in him and using radiation to make him bigger. That’s… dangerous.

Also, “Do not touch when in use.” But feel free to touch it all other times.

“Vital signs are normal.”

Look at this fucking guy.

Colin:

Yes. More dark goggles. I seriously want some of these. Not the dumb ones that old people wear while driving. I mean the cool ones.

He looks like the FBI guy who gave all the exposition in Raiders.

Well he’s screaming.

Colin:

How are his eyeballs not burned out? Shouldn’t they have given him some goggles too? Can we talk about how he showed up here after failing to flirt with a British chick and just stuck him in a pod and irradiated him? Can a guy get a fucking briefing first?

Can a Guy Get a Fucking Briefing First?

But more importantly… that nurse got the booty.

That nurse looks like she’s got a View-Master.

“Shut it down!”

“No!”

Why? Because you want to sacrifice yourself? Because you just know it’s working? Or simply because at this point, if you don’t, you’re gonna be half-ripped and deformed for the rest of your life?

“Don’t! I can do this!”

Now I know why I like this movie. They set up his character well.

Though I wonder why no one else got goggles up in the room.

I want my knobs to be wheels.

Also, there’s the Stark logo again.

There’s a reason they told you to stay in the room.

Tommy Lee Jones gets paid to make faces.

Didn’t we see this happen already?

Also, what happens if they fail? The Hydra guy just leaves?

Colin:

Why was it that in the old days, shit on full power always sparked and lasted like 10 seconds?

Of course his goggles were sunglasses. Of course they were.

Is he dead?

Nah son, he’s just ripped.

So basically they gave him steroids.

Colin:

What happened to his dick?

Harden. Super Effective.

“Son of a bitch did it.”

Oh, that’s why we met him. He’s a spy.

“I did it.”

Colin:

Did it fix his lungs? I thought they just hit his muscles. What about the asthma?

Also, what did he do? Hung in there? Because the serum did everything. He just let it happen to him.

The motto here is, no matter how nice a guy you are, she still wants you to be ripped.

Colin:

Someone should have known that Banner’s mixture was wrong cause it was green and the original was blue. Someone probably pissed in it.

Or maybe because he used fucking gamma radiation instead of good, old-fashioned PCP.

“How do you feel?”

“Taller.”

Look at all these assholes congratulating each other.

“Great work, Pete. You did a bang up job hitting buttons on that giant computer bank in the back.”

That nurse want that purple stuff.

“You look taller.”

You should see his dick.

You know, for science.

Did you know that shirt was gonna fit him?

“How do you like Brooklyn now, Senator?”

“I can think of some folks in Berlin who are about to get very nervous.”

You didn’t answer the question.

This guy.

Colin:

How’d the Nazi get into this place? Wouldn’t he have stolen the shit earlier? This seems like a bad plan on his part.

I like that Stanley Tucci clocked the sinister-looking guy.

Nothing says 40s like a double-breasted suit.

Maybe say something.

Well that’s not really doing anything to them, is it?

What was the last one for, exactly?

Of course Rogers is shielding other people.

Oh… he was the best character.

Not that we didn’t see it coming, but still.

Colin:

Aw. Stanley Tucci took two in the chest. We’ll miss you, Stanley. And yes, we’ll be good people, or whatever.

Shouldn’t there be guards stationed outside? How does he even get out of here?

Well there’s your guard.

Wow. They really showed you where those shots went. Nicely done.

Still a horrible shot, though.

You guys suck.

Perfect. No dumb speech, nothing. One point and we understand exactly what he’s saying.

Colin:

The whole physical process of becoming Captain America took like four minutes.

It takes longer to update my iTunes.

Cap Smash.

OLD LADY WITH A MACHINE GUN!

I bet that’s Mouse’s great grandmother.

Colin:

HAHAHAHA he shot the antiques lady. Way to go, hiring a lady who can’t handle an automatic weapon’s recoil.

Colin:

This guy walking by didn’t hear the machine gun fire inside like 5 seconds ago?

That’s Brooklyn.

Why are you ducking back under cover? You just shot the guy, and the other guy is getting away.

Man, I miss 40s gunfights.

Meh, see?

Colin:

Wow, tommy gun THROUGH the car. That’s cold, and it shows a signature disregard for glass.

NOT THE BANJO SHOP!

That’s thick glass.

That license plate starts with SS.

Saw that shit coming.

Always read the license plates.

This looks less CGI then the rest. I appreciate this shot.

Kudos to this scene for taking place during the day.

Goddamn, Carter.

Colin:

That was a great shot, and pretty much impossible from that gun at that distance. I’m guessing.

GTA, 40 style.

Colin:

I’m just glad that cabbie wasn’t somehow the grandfather of the cabbie from Hulk or something. You know Marvel would stoop that low, too.

Colin:

She nailed that first shot. After that, not so much, huh?

She does hang in here, though. So credit for that.

Colin:

Trying to get that roll in the hay.

“I had him!”

“Sorry!”

Colin:

Oh shut up, lady. You’re out of your element. And your country, for that matter.

You got new legs, Lieutenant Rogers. New legs!

He is run-ning!

Like a typical New York, no one gives a FUCK.

The only yellow car in New York.

Colin:

“Captain CAVE-MAaAaAaAaN!”

How do you fuck that up?

Is it that he doesn’t have the balance of the new body yet? Because otherwise, that’s fucking ridiculous. Like when a child trips over some invisible object.

Colin:

Sometimes you run too fast and the centrifugal force sends you through a plate glass window. Some people call that physics, but I call it disregard for glass.

Yeah, your feet just got McClane’d.

Who pays for that window?

Please run straight through that fence.

All… right.

Colin:

He just cleared a chain-link fence after running through broken glass. Mmkay.

Nice, slick roads. That’s my 40s.

I always wanted to drive with a gun in my hand. That’s very noir gangster of you.

Is that name supposed to mean something?

This is all very Grand Theft Auto.

Colin:

I wish they’d make a 1940s Grand Theft Auto. Or a 30s Grand Theft Auto. You’d be into liquor and stuff. And bank robberies with tommy guns. And you could steal airships.

I played the Godfather video game. That was kind of a 40s GTA.

I like that he jumps off of things.

Though he looks ridiculous doing so.

That’s pretty ballsy for a new body.

Do you have Spider-Man hands? How did you not fall off?

Maybe shoot him, Nazi.

Facial expressions.

Near the bridge. We’re in Brooklyn Heights.

This is the guy who played Thorin in the Hobbit movies.

FYI.

Colin:

That just blew my mind.

Stanley Tucci’s making the face again.

Colin:

On the roof getting shot at. How often has this happened in franchises? I think this has happened in every franchise with guns.

It’s not that many, actually. The only franchises with guns (since Potter and Twilight didn’t have guns, even though guns existed in the world) were Pirates, the Matrix, and Indy. And now this. So we’re at least three of four. And I feel like Pirates had something similar.

Peek-a-boo!

“Goddamn, man!”

Interesting camera placement.

This is almost like Michael Mann cutting to digital for like, no reason.

That looks like it hurt.

Colin:

Okay, so he’s dead or at least wrecked up after that roll. No seatbelts. Ralph Nader isn’t around yet to save lives.

I like that house with all the stairs.

Maybe tackle the guy.

Still, tackle the guy. He’s not clocking all of you.

Colin:

Remember how the bullets went through the roof, but now they’re not going through the door? Anyway.

Also, shieldshadowing.

Of course. A hostage. The last act of a desperate man. And the first act of Henry V.

Colin:

Oh good, everyone loves a hostage crisis.

Pretty great how they just let him take this kid.

Colin:

Nice shot of the Chevy De Luxe.

Look at that guy hiding behind that tiny ass barrel. Yeah, he won’t see you.

Colin:

Hey look, our president. They don’t put Obama on billboards, do they?

That’s not Peter Sellers from Being There?

Also, did they really go through the trouble of adding CGI birds flying off the bridge? Was that really a concern for realism in this moment?

You’re bleeding.

Look at that scared motherfucker behind the crates.

Nice alleyway shot. I like old buildings.

Also a great location. Looks like a mix of where Indy got on the motorcycle with Dad, mixed with the train station from The Quiet Man, where John Wayne starts dragging Maureen O’Hara away from.

You’re not that stealthy, buddy.

Also, now it looks like the barn where the Barry Lyndon duel happened.

Am I reaching anybody with these references?

I know Colin gets them. Anyone else?

He’s a ginger. Do it.

“Wait, don’t.”

Is he squeezing that gun so hard his hand is purple? Or is that bruising from the car crash?

A HA HA. Throw the kid in the water.

Colin:

…so my cou– nah, I’m gonna skip it.

What’s that about? He gave himself up and now you just throw the kid in the water.

“Go get him! I can swim!”

Such a convenience, and yet – perfectly in line with a 40s movie. So I’m cool with it.

Colin:

Seriously? He checks for the kid? How about you stop the Nazi who has the secret formula to turn the tide of the WHOLE FUCKING WAR?

YES!

Bond movie!

Colin:

So that submarine didn’t exist, but okay.

Also, what was the plan, exactly? He only blew up part of the room. Only got one vial of serum. Luckily managed to shoot Erskine, but not the other very important military people in the room. Stole a cab in broad daylight. And somehow expect to get on a submarine with no issues?

Sure. I guess when you’re Hydra, you can try anything.

Colin:

I dunno if that’s Bond movie as much as it is League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.

Well… The World Is Not Enough.

Great shot. Very Spy Who Loved Me.

Also, remember that great shot from Dead Man’s Chest where we follow the Dutchman underwater? That was cool.

He seems like he’s a fan of the tally ho.

Love that this was just parked in the East River.

And that it somehow had a button to bring it to the surface.

How many buttons did this guy have on him?

Colin:

Seriously? Nobody’s swimming that fast underwater. I guess we’re just giving up on everything. He can just do stuff that’s fast as hell but not TRULY superhuman like Superman.

He punched him in the face through glass.

Great shot.

Colin:

That’s one way to eject a Nazi from the water.

So, you’re hitting him, but… now what?

Sure. It only broke there.

What was that for, again, exactly?

“Who the hell are you?”

“The first of many. Cut off one head –”

“Two more shall take its place.”

“Hail Hydra.”

Colin:

Oh, he’s got the cyanide like Javier Bardem. Lots of dudes in franchises be taking cyanide. Stanley Tucci told him about Hydra, so he should remember it now.

“Well he’s dead.”

“But at least I look good now.”

“I look really good.”

“Good as hell.”

End of Part II.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow is Part III, and the Assassination of Bucky Barnes.

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