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Fun with Franchises: The Marvel Universe – Captain America: The First Avenger, Part III — “Dames Love It When You Punch Hitler in the Face in Their City”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is Captain America: The First Avenger.

Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.

We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.

We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.

Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.

Right now, we’re doing the Marvel Universe, and today is the third part of Captain America: The First Avenger.

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We begin Part III with marching gimps.

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The Nazis are those weirdos who know about leather.

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Nazis chewing out Hugo Weaving.

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And he stops to look at the poster, because I guess we just don’t get that Hydra means that and that they’re working for the Nazis.

Colin:

It bums me out that comic book people felt a need to put this villain above the rest. Like Hydra is bigger than the Nazis were. Make him a contender for Hitler’s replacement or something and this gets a lot darker. Like, he’s continuing Hitler’s legacy, but you have him state that he’s not as ‘conservative’ as Hitler was in his efforts. And then you’re terrified and we want him SUPER dead.

But we never actually see Hitler. I’d be totally down for a movie where America is fighting Nazis, and then Hydra is there, so they’re also fighting Hydra, and even at times the Nazis are fighting Hydra. We don’t ever really see the Nazis, because we find out Hydra is the threat we’ve been seeing all along.

Honestly just give me extended war stuff, and I’m happy. Sprinkle in the comic stuff throughout, just give me lots of war stuff.

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Where was he looking before that?

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“The Red Skull has been indulged enough.”

Just slip in the name like that? Do they know what he is? Do they even wonder how he got that nickname? That was purely for the audience’s purpose.

And also clearly tells you these guys are dead.

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Oh, this’ll be good.

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Evil track in.

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“Gentlemen, you have come to see the results of our work.”

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“Let me show you.”

Dead.

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Hugo Weaving has the best facial expressions.

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He says Hitler wants a thousand year Reich, but he can’t feed his own troops for three months.

Colin:

Isn’t that…untrue?

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That’s a big ass gun.

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“And I suppose you still intend to win this war through magic.”

Abra-cadavers?

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“Science. But I understand your confusion. Great power has always baffled primitive man.”

Is this a play on that dumb line from Thor? Science fact? Or whatever that Natalie line was?

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His weapons can fuck people up.

I also really like the walls in this place.

Must have great acoustics.

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All right, Looky, we get it.

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“Quite simply, gentlemen…”

Oh, that’s nice. He’s counting them.

“I have harnessed the power of gods.”

He’s basically Cate Blanchett in Crystal Skull. Let’s not pretend that he isn’t.

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“Thank you, Schmidt.”

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“For what?”

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“For making it clear how obviously mad you are.”

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“Berlin is on this map.”

Colin:

Do we even know that’s an attack map? What if it’s just a future bases of operations map?

Maybe that’s just to teach someone about capitals.

That’s pretty insane. Try that some time. Look at a map, pick any random capital on that map, and go, “Rome is on this map!” Yeah, it’s a fucking map. That’s the point.

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“So it is.”

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“You will be punished for your insolence.”

Said the guy about to get obliterated.

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Electro.

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Colin:

They ridicule him, not knowing that he has the power to destroy pretty much everything now. SS guy sees that Berlin is on the map, he kills them all. It’s pretty staged. He doesn’t need to talk to them like this. Have them brought to him in this room where he can vaporize them as he planned.

The only real question is — they just kind of disappear, the way people do when they use the Aether later on in the shitty Thor sequel. And since we know at this point what the cube and the Aether are — and going by what happens to Schmidt at the end of this movie — are these people getting vaporized or just transported elsewhere? What are the rules of these objects?

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Colin:

So, filmmaking rule #1: Never, under any circumstances, put your audience in a position to sympathize with Nazi leaders. You’re making Nazi leaders look like victims of this monster. He is a monster, but you still don’t want them to be sympathetic characters.

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Do you really need to take aim at this guy?

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Maybe turn the wheel?

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He left his mark.

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Sometimes I like to pretend certain movies exist within the same timeline as others. And I wonder if this is, to the Nazis, what the “New Mexico situation” was to SHIELD in Iron Man 2.

And that made me wonder if Hans Landa was the Nazi Coulson.

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“My apologies, doctor. But we both knew Hydra could grow no further in Hitler’s shadow.”

Colin:

If it can grow no more in Hitler’s shadow, you better have a good reason for not zooming over to kill Hitler and taking over right now.

What is he apologizing for? “Sorry I killed the Nazis, but we knew this had to happen.” Is it because he just made him an enemy of the party? Because, you guys have those guns. I think you’re doing all right.

And even so, how does Hitler deal with this? Just sort of leave him on his own to create Hydra? This doesn’t really explain how this changed the tide of the war. I guess because Cap deals with it so easily, it doesn’t have a chance to affect anything?

That’s why I wish this was more war movie. SHIELD vs. Hydra could have been like The Good, the Bad and the Ugly, where the war is happening around them, and sometimes they get caught up in it.

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Eye squint.

“Hail Hydra.”

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This is some Project Mayhem shit.

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“Hail Hydra.”

What, would he have killed him if he didn’t say that?

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Why do you look so conflicted? When we see you as a computer, you’re all gung ho for Hydra.

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How nice of Erskine to preemptively administer the blue shit to him.

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“Think you got enough?”

Colin:

They’re just taking his blood now. I remember when I got hit by a car, they took some of my blood and I was so out of it, I didn’t get it. I thought they were stealing it. Which, you know, maybe.

That reminds me of freshman year, when I went with people to donate blood (because it meant getting out of class), and they took like, a bag, which I’m assuming is a pint. And I’m up on the table (I feel like I’ve told this story before on here), and some guy on the other is bragging about how fast he can fill up the bag. And he keeps talking for like, three minutes about it. And secretly I’m like, “I’m gonna beat him.” So I keep squeezing on that ball they give you, trying to actively fill up the bag before this guy. Even though it’s completely an arbitrary thing. And sure enough, I beat the guy by like, three seconds. That’s my blood story.

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“Any hope of reproducing the program is locked in your genetic code.”

Really? He didn’t take notes?

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“He deserved more than this.”

“If it could only work once, he’d be proud it was you.”

He was proud it was him. He told him that.

Colin:

She wants the D now, though. Now that she has to look up at him.

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Senator dude wants answers.

“Why don’t we start with how a German soldier got a ride to my secret mission in your car?”

Colin:

Tommy Lee Jones has a good point. Who let that guy in the car? Who knew him? Was he someone’s cousin visiting from another school or something?

I think it’s a classic Hydra thing. Infiltrate from the inside.

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Stark has no idea what this his. Hydra’s technology far surpasses theirs.

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She comes into explain what Hydra is, because apparently the senator doesn’t know what it is, and apparently we don’t either, even though they’ve been explaining it to us all movie.

Colin:

So more Hydra exposition, which is unnecessary. And the news that we’re going to Europe. Hooray, I guess? Fish and chips, y’all.

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“Hydra’s practically a cult. They worship Schmidt, they think he’s practically invincible.”

At least they think he’s practically invincible. And not just invincible.

Also, a lot of practically’s in that sentence.

Kinda funny too, that Hydra started essentially as a cult to one dude. That got lost along the way.

“So what are you gonna do about it?”

They’re gonna kill a German baby live on television. Then they’re gonna drink it’s blood and do a dance.

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They’re taking the fight to Hydra.

That works too, I guess.

Just workshop it. Is all I’m asking.

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He’s helping too.

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“Sir, if you’re going after Schmidt I want in.”

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“I asked for an army and all I got was you. You are not enough.”

Yeah, but… you do have an army, right?

And he can do shit now.

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Colin:

Wait, so why can’t he go? It worked, so even if he’s ‘not enough,’ he’s better than regular assholes.

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“With all due respect to the colonel, I think we may be missing the point here. I’ve seen you in action, Steve. More importantly, the country’s seen it.”

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“The enlistment line’s been around the block since your picture hit the news stands. You don’t take a soldier, a symbol like that, and hide him in a lab.”

Colin:

Wouldn’t people be noticing that this guy isn’t in the army? He’s a “mystery man,” not a “mystery soldier.” They probably think he’s some random guy. Why would that get people to enlist?

Also, “I think we’re missing the point here. You wanna fight — how about we raise money instead?”

Colin:

Also, my pen name for embarrassing stories is going to be P. Hornbuckle. My friend used to write stories for an underground San Francisco newspaper under the name Chester Einburger. Hard to live up to that.

I was gonna ask who got a picture of him, but there was a Liberty Tours bus right there. So they actually found a way to make that work.

Good for them, with the continuity. I don’t say that at all with Marvel, it feels like.

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“Son, do you wanna serve your country on the most important battlefield of the war?”

Son, have you given any thought to your future?

Also, do you like movies with gladiators in them?

“Sir, that’s all I want.”

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“Then congratulations. You just got promoted.”

You can do that?

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“I don’t know if I can do this.”

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“Nothing to it. Sell a few bonds, buy a few bullets, bullets kill Nazis. Bing bang boom.”

Colin:

This is so much better than you’d expect from Marvel here. They don’t ship him off, they keep him at home selling bonds. Which, again – super important. But it’s not what he wants. I like that it gets to the selfishness in his character, however deep down it may be hidden, and how they don’t just throw him into battle now like a badass.

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“You’re an American hero.”

And heroes bang chicks like that.

Colin:

Hey look, it’s *not* Emma Stone.

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He gets his own vaudeville song.

Colin:

It’s a musical number. Which is great.

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“Not all of us can storm a beach, or drive a tank, but there’s still a way all of us can fight.”

This should come off as more melancholic than it does.

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“Series E defense bonds. Each one you buy is a bullet in the barrel of your best guy’s gun.”

Colin:

No girl’s never called me her ‘best guy.’ I’m always a second- or third-best guy. :(

Which, on that subject — it’s not a bullet in your best guy’s gun. Statistically, it’s going into just about any gun. It could go into some schmuck’s gun.

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Now bring on the dancing girls.

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Colin:

People used to dress babies like such assholes.

That fat baby doesn’t like Captain America.

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He should have been played by Bob Odenkirk. That would have been fantastic.

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There is no way they’d have really allowed the black guy to stand next to him if this were really the 40s.

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War bonds montage.

Colin:

Rear projection!

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I like this movie more when it looks like it’s taking place on soundstages.

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Gotta love that hokey Broadway dynamic.

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Colin:

Cross fade? Whatever, I’m just really enjoying that they’re doing a musical montage in a modern superhero movie. And that the lyrics include the word “goose-stepping.”

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I have no problem with this taking up screen time.

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Man, people were dumb.

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GPOY

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Children.

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And here’s him punching Hitler in the face ten times.

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Colin:

This is a great sequence. I love that they did this. This sequence alone puts this movie above Thor.

Sad thing, that guy who played Hitler went out the same way Sam Rockwell did in Assassination of Jesse James.

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Colin:

He’s knocking out Hitler in different cities. I think we like this scene. Dames love it when you punch out Hitler in their city.

I hope he’s banged a chick in every state. That would really make him Captain America.

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Europe had theaters for opera. We have theaters so a guy in a costume could punch Adolf Hitler in the face.

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I like this. That they’re acknowledging the comics, and setting up the character this way.

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Look at that kid on the left. Why don’t more kids dress like that nowadays?

Colin:

And the brown kids, getting some over-the-shoulder action. That’s really where minorities were at this point. 

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Yeah, right.

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This has the production value of Rushmore.

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Captain America uses guns.

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Watching this made me wonder if Looney Tunes ever tried putting Captain America in one of their cartoons. The answer to which, I’m pretty sure, is no.

Then I found this:

It does have the old lady with the machine gun.

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Colin:

Black and white movies with crazy fake set pieces. They’re really milking this and I like it.

Do they also not notice Captain America sitting next to them.

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Boobies.

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YEAH BOY!

Colin:

And THIS BLONDE WANTS HIM, GET IT STEVE!

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Nice billboard placement.

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That one in the middle has a certain… thickness, that I find appealing.

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Colin:

That’s pretty good production value to that show. Isn’t there a war on? I guess I thought there would be confetti rationing.

Look at this fucking theater.

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“How many of you are ready to help me sock old Adolf on the jaw?”

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Crickets.

Colin:

That was a really good edit. He’s lived the life, feeling like he’s making a difference – which he is – and now he’s reminded that the real fight he should be a part of is here with these guys. That wasn’t so hard. 

Plus, colors.

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“Okay.”

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“I need a volunteer.”

“I already volunteered. How do you think I got here?”

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“Bring back the girls!”

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“I think they only know the one song, but – I’ll see what I can do.”

This is scarily accurate.

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“Nice boots, Tinker Bell.”

Tinker Bell? You had that reference in 1943?

Colin:

I guess they’d have been kids for the 1924 film version. But I doubt Marvel knew that.

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“Come on, guys. We’re all on the same team here.”

Technically you outrank them.

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“Hey Captain, sign this.”

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Where’d you get a tomato from?

Wouldn’t your C.O. say something about that?

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Colin:

Once, just once in my life, I want to go to a show where I can throw produce at the performer and get away with it. Every time I do it in the States or in Japan, people get upset. Yeah, yeah, I know I’ve got two strikes.

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Nice save.

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Is that train foreshadowing later?

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“Hello, Steve.”

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“What are you doing here?”

The plot, of course.

Colin:

She shows up because the plot though.

“Officially, I’m not here at all.”

Where are you, then, officially?

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“That was quite the performance.”

“Yeah. I had to improvise a bit. The crowds I’m used to are usually more – twelve.”

Colin:

How many bonds did you sell to twelve-year-olds?

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“I understand you’re America’s new hope.”

Only for the next 34 years.

But at least he’s doing that. Phillips would have had him stuck in a lab.

“And these are your only two options? A lab rat or a dancing monkey.”

Colin:

I’m sure if he thought there was a third option, he’d take it, so you may as well just tell him.

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Monkey drawings are the key to comedy.

Colin:

I like that monkey.

“You’re meant for more than this, you know.”

Technically he was meant for less than this. He just lucked into more than that, which is this.

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“You know, for the longest time, I dreamed about coming overseas and being on the front lines, serving my country. I finally got everything I wanted. And I’m wearing tights.”

This statement also applies to Chris Evans the actor.

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Conveniently timed image for what the alternative is.

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“They look like they’ve been through hell.”

Her legs? Because that’s all I can see in this image.

Colin:

That’s what the eagle’s scoping too. Trying to hawkeye pierce that ass and MASH it all up.

“These men more than most.”

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She explains that 200 men went up against Schmidt, and only 50 returned.

“Your audience contained what was left of the 107th.”

Colin:

Okay, so we find out that it was Bucky’s unit, of course. I’m impressed that those guys were still lively enough to boo him. I don’t heckle after that kind of shellacking. 

I think only part of the audience was the 107th.

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“Come on!”

Why? Why does she need to be with you for this?

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“Well, if it isn’t the Star-Spangled Man with the plan. What is your plan today?”

What if he detailed an brilliant strategy to win the war right now, on the fly?

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He needs a casualty list. Just one name.

“Sgt. James Barnes from the 107th.”

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“You and I are gonna have a conversation later that you won’t enjoy.”

The great thing about Tommy Lee Jones is, you believe him.

Colin:

You didn’t kill your wife? He don’t give a shit.

Why are they having the conversation? Because she’s here? What is she supposed to be doing?

“Please tell me he’s alive, sir. B-A-R-“

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“I can spell.”

Yes.

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“I have signed more of these condolence letters today than I would care to count. But, the name does sound familiar.”

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“I’m sorry.”

Wait, what? That’s official confirmation. “Sounds familiar”? Really? And you just accept that?

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Wait, seriously? You assume he’s dead because the name sounds familiar and he didn’t look at anything. Wow. That’s a new level of low even for Marvel.

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“What about the others? Are you planning a rescue mission?”

“Yes, it’s called winning the war.”

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“But if you know where they are, why not at least—”

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You know where they are. Which means they’re alive. So you win the war, they continue to be alive. If they’re not dead yet, then the should continue to not be dead over time. You don’t know that they’re with Hydra, and that Hydra is gonna experiment on them. Do you?

Where are we, exactly, in that? Because we were gonna stick it to Hydra, but now we seem back to the “fighting Nazis” part of it.

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“They’re 30 miles behind the lines. Through some of the most heavily fortified territory in Europe. We’d lose more men than we’d save. I don’t expect you to understand that because you’re a chorus girl.”

That’s not fair. He bangs the chorus girls. You should expect him to not understand because he’s some schmuck with muscles who has only done a week of basic training. (Some of which he didn’t even do because he got a flag.)

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“I think I understand just fine.”

I should hope so.

But really all he understands is that same bullshit about sacrificing himself just because his friend is there.

If this were the 112th battalion he wouldn’t give a flying fuck about them.

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“Well then understand it somewhere else. If I read the posters correctly, you’ve got somewhere to be in thirty minutes.”

You read the posters?

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I like maps.

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“Yes, sir. I do.”

Colin:

He wants to save Bucky, so obviously everything stops as a result. I do love how Tommy Lee Jones always talks like Tommy Lee Jones, no matter what role he’s in.

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“If you have something to say, right now’s the perfect time to keep it to yourself.”

I can’t tell if this is him knowing what’s about to happen or giving her an easy out for not saying anything.

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“What do you plan to do?”

She says, taking off her clothes.

“Walk to Austria?”

Is that code, or…?

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“If that’s what it takes.”

Yeah, man if that’s what it takes, I’ll walk all the fuck to Austria.

Colin:

So he’s going in with the uniform on? Cause that’s brilliant strategy.

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But Phillips said he was probably dead. And he’s devising a strategy.

“By the time he’s done that, it’ll be too late.”

How do you know?

Also, when did you get clothes that fit?

Oh, well, I guess this is months later.

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Wait, so where are all the dancing chicks?

Colin:

There are hundreds of men who need them. Standing room only.

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Yeah, take the shield. That’ll do something.

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“You told me you thought I was meant for more than this.”

This meaning, the suicide mission? Perhaps use the correct demonstrative.

“Did you mean that?”

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Just fuck already.

“Every word.”

“Then you’ve gotta let me go.”

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“I can do more than that.”

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“Where’s my helmet?”

Colin:

So you took a woman’s helmet when you’ve got supplies and stuff all around you meant for real soldiers?

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That plane looks fake as shit.

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So Stark just wanted to do this?

Colin:

Oh, Stark’s flying them? That seems stupid of him. Is he brave? I guess he’s brave. It’s guys like this who get to drink whiskey while making home movies for their neglected children years later.

I just found out they’re bringing Slattery back to play Stark in Ant-Man. Which is gonna be great. I guess part of the movie takes place in the 70s.

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“You know, you two are gonna be in a lot of trouble when you land.”

That woman’s helmet is fitting you a little too well.

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“And you won’t?”

“Where I’m going, if anybody yells at me, I can just shoot ‘em.”

I was thinking that you won’t be coming back to get in trouble, but sure.

“They will undoubtedly shoot back.”

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“Well then let’s hope it’s good for something.”

Why does that shield have a metal sound now?

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Stark wants to bang her.

Colin:

Stark wants to bang everything.

He invites her out for some fondue afterward. As you do.

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Awkward.

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“Stark is the best civilian pilot I’ve ever seen. He’s mad enough to brave this airspace. We’re lucky to have him.”

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“So are you two…”

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“Do you two…?”

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Bang.

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“Fondue?”

Colin:

I call it bubbling goobies.

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“This is your transponder.”

Oh, shit. That’s an evasion.

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“Are you sure this thing works?”

“I test it more than you, pal.”

Is that a sex joke?

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Incoming!

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Incredibly CGI incoming!

Colin:

This is a CGI Beechcraft 18, which you guys know from It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World (the Mickey Rooney/Buddy Hackett plane flown by Jim Backus) and Octopussy, where Kamal’s trying to escape and Gobinda fights Roger Moore outside the plane.

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“Get back here, we’re taking you all the way in!”

“As soon as I’m clear, you turn this thing around and get the hell out of here!”

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“You can’t even obey orders!”

“The hell I can’t!”

Colin:

Even if he can’t give her orders, she should really know to turn around and get the hell out once he’s out of the plane. Oh man, I wanna watch Where Eagles Dare. I love that movie.

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“I’m a captain.”

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Tally ho!

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Yeah, he probably died right there.

Also, they have a drop zone for a reason, asshole.

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He says “shedule.” I am amused.

Colin:

You know who else said that? Christopher Walken. He had a nefarious blimp.

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“Increase the output by 60% and see to it that our other facilities do the same.”

“But these prisoners, I’m not sure they have the strength.”

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“Then use up what strength they have left, doctor. There are always more workers.”

Colin:

Not sure I know what this scene is for, other than to demonstrate that they’re making something using slave labor and that Hugo doesn’t care about a human toll.

I guess it’s to reintroduce the villain (because this is their idea of keeping the villain going. Small scenes like this), and to continue with Toby Jones’ hesitation about all of this. Which, again, completely disappears later on.

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“Goddamnit, Tony, with the clipboard again!”

Colin:

The clipboard, the glasses, the face…he looks like an older, Nazi Gary Burghoff.

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When in doubt, cut wide to end the scene, I guess.

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Are they gonna be fed to pigs?

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RoboCop? What are you doing here?

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“You know, Fritz—”

Neal McDonaugh!

“One of these days, I’m gonna have a stick of my own.”

Colin:

Nice hat. Is there a men’s version?

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War shit. This is why I like this movie more than a lot of other Marvels.

Colin:

War shit is always better than comic book shit.

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This would probably look better if it were shot on film and not digital.

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Tally ho onto the truck.

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“The fuck?” said the Gimps.

And that’s what was beaten out of them.

Colin:

It’s creepy that they cover up like that. How can you see in the dark with that thing on?

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“Fellas.”

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Did no one hear that?

Also, Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Exactly.

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Did no one see that?

Colin:

Actually, I can’t see anything. 

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Colin:

Dumb. Get the glowing blue gun. That’s always what you wanna do in these situations. If a weapon glows, you want it.

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Did that act as a silencer or something? What was that about?

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I like that he tally hos a lot.

Also, why were there only two guys in the back of that? What did they have to unload?

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How do you know you’re in the right place? They were taking you there, but you jumped out early. How do you know where you are on the map? Can you read the stars? What if you got inside and it was actually a concentration camp? I mean, sure, the gimps make it clear you’re in the right place, but still.

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This is exactly what Thor did.

Formulas are an interesting thing.

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Is no one paying attention to anything?

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This is my kind of movie.

Colin:

And yet…too dark. Remember how no matter what time it was in an old war movie, it always felt like 8pm? Moonlight and stuff? You could see everything clearly but still understand how someone could be sneaking around.

Honestly, in a place like this, security is not this tight. You know they’re much more lax at a place like this because they have all the weapons.

In my experience, it’s a lot easier to break into heavily fortified compounds than one might think.

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Colin:

How is this massive facility so close to the front lines? How do they not just steamroll the Allies, if they have magic weapons?

He’s plotting his giant offensive, I think, it why. And gathering his troops. Schmidt seems like a “measure twice, cut once” kinda guy.

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Did you need the punch after slamming the door on his head like that?

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Legs being dragged out of frame – always funny.

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Colin:

If this was Indiana Jones, he wouldn’t be wearing that outfit right now. He’d have just changed clothes.

Harrison Ford in a gimp outfit would be hilarious.

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This is a video game.

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This is GoldenEye.

Though it sucks when Bucky keeps walking into walls and not moving and you have to make sure he doesn’t get shot.

Colin:

This is very GoldenEye. I love that we both went there. He should set some charges and get them out during the confusion.

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Well this looks important.

And no one’s guarding it.

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Sure, let’s just take that thing.

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Are we not paying attention or caring that these look like giant bombs?

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Why were all these cells here? Weren’t most military installations converted from previously existing structures?

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I think I just saw Neal McDonaugh mouth the words, “What the fuck?”

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“Who you supposed to be?”

Colin:

Yes. Give the black guy the line from Black Dynamite.

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“I’m – Captain America.”

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“I beg your pardon.”

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Does no one notice this?

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“What, are we taking everybody?”

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“I’m from Fresno, Ace.”

Colin:

He’s from Fresno, and this is how we have Asians in the army. Since there were actual Asians in the army, I’ll say this is better diversity than Thor. He was also Chester in The Wolf of Wall Street.

I didn’t even bother looking that up, because as soon as I saw him, I knew.

Plus, if it wasn’t, that would have been really racist.

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“There’s an isolation ward in the factory. No one’s ever come back from it.”

Well that’s convenient. Why him?

Colin:

No one’s ever come back. That implies that lots of people have gone, over a long period of time. Weren’t these guys just captured like…yesterday? “No one’s ever come back” is something that requires months, minimum.

There is a plothole here. The question is which one it is. Either they got captured yesterday, and this is a bad line, done for the audience’s sake, because we understand that cliche, or Peggy randomly decided to tell Steve the exact right information about his friend’s unit, which got captured months earlier, just so this could happen.

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“The tree line is northwest, eighty yards past the gate. Get out fast and give ‘em hell.”

With what?

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“I’ll meet you guys in the clearing with anyone else I find.”

So… Bucky.

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“Wait. You know what you’re doing?”

Captain America The First Avenger - 1010

“Yeah. I’ve knocked out Adolf Hitler over 200 times.”

Captain America The First Avenger - 1011

Captain America The First Avenger - 1012

DOES NOBODY PATROL HERE?!

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Just like in Temple of Doom.

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What? Why did you stop and point? Everyone was running that way. Also, do you not know which way northwest is?

Colin:

I sure don’t. Not at night.

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Let’s run over here now!

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I love that they have guns and are still allowing themselves to be punched in the face.

I also like the idea of a man in a bowler hat punching people in the face.

Captain America The First Avenger - 1019

Were you not allowed to have a blue gun?

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Just like Life Is Beautiful.

Colin:

What I wouldn’t give for some goddamn silencio.

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I was gonna ask where the fuck the lasers came from, but I forgot they had proton packs.

Captain America The First Avenger - 1026

I respect any soldier who wears a bowler hat.

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Look at Sacco and Vanzetti here.

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“You know how to use that thing?”

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Captain America The First Avenger - 1035

Cool.

So what does that thing run on? Antimatter?

Colin:

They juiced Violet Beauregarde. 

Captain America The First Avenger - 1036

How hard did you think they fought the urge to have him say “Mamma mia!” here?

Captain America The First Avenger - 1037

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“Okay.”

Which was kinda my reaction to these things existing.

Captain America The First Avenger - 1039

Captain America The First Avenger - 1040

His monitor is in sepia tone!

Captain America The First Avenger - 1041

“It’s happening.”

Did you know this would happen?

Or is this just a paranoid scenario coming true?

Because if I’m in a room with someone, and they look out the window and say, “It’s happening,” and then hurry over to push a button, I’m probably leaving that room.

Colin:

If I’m in a room with someone, I’m probably leaving that room.

Captain America The First Avenger - 1042

Captain America The First Avenger - 1043

“Hey.”

What are the odds he says, “No coons in here”?

I mean, that is a possibility. He was against the Japanese guy before. I know that was a war thing and not a racial thing, but this is 1943… there’s kind of a racial thing present.

Colin:

Totally a racial thing. The whole Japanese internment camp thing was way racial. The German-Americans and Italian-Americans got to chill. But the Japanese are tricksy, so you know.

Captain America The First Avenger - 1044

“Not exactly a Buick.”

Could be. Did they make planes?

Colin:

Everyone made planes. And tanks. And stuff. Buick was making engines and ammunition at the time. 

Captain America The First Avenger - 1045

“That one.”

Said the black guy, clearly about to lead to something comic.

Captain America The First Avenger - 1046

“Three semesters at Howard. Switched to French. Girls looked cuter.”

Couple of things there.

First – Howard. Pretty subtle. Very racial.

Colin:

I mean…at the time, where was he supposed to be going?

He could have gone to a northern school. More importantly, though…

Why would the girls studying French be cuter than the ones studying German? You’re in America.

Colin:

I don’t get that logic either, but then, we are talking about a Marvel flashback in a flashback.

Captain America The First Avenger - 1047

Captain America The First Avenger - 1048

Captain America The First Avenger - 1049

Weird how they’re just okay with this.

If you pick up a weird laser gun, wouldn’t you be constantly going, “What the fuck is this thing, and why do the Germans have it and we don’t?”

Colin:

I’d be yelling and pulling the trigger. Only once I had murdered everything would I ask any questions.

Captain America The First Avenger - 1050

Captain America The First Avenger - 1051

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Explosions can just break continuity for the sake of being explosions. We just completely cut to the exact opposite side of that truck. That broke the 180 degree rule, and yet – explosion. So it’s only somewhat noticeable.

Captain America The First Avenger - 1053

Captain America The First Avenger - 1054

And he just shouts Wahoo! Here. Which I don’t necessarily have a problem with, but they do cut between the Wah and the Hoo. It’s a weird editing choice.

Captain America The First Avenger - 1055

Colin:

I’m really unclear about why they chose tires for this thing and not tracks. From a production standpoint, sure. It’s easier to make a mock-up on a monster truck than it is to get a tank. But everything is CGI anyway.

Captain America The First Avenger - 1056

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Where did you guys get weapons from?

Captain America The First Avenger - 1058

Hey, remember when this was a movie about Captain America? Where’d he go?

Captain America The First Avenger - 1059

Captain America The First Avenger - 1060

Gotta love a guy who is ready to see how things play out, and has counter measures ready.

Captain America The First Avenger - 1061

Captain America The First Avenger - 1062

Or he’s just watching.

Captain America The First Avenger - 1063

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Captain America The First Avenger - 1065

Oh, he’s watching him.

Colin:

Battle scene where he sees Captain America. That’s the only reason this is important, right? Oh, and I guess he gets his team, because we’re meeting guys who I recognize and who have speaking roles.

Captain America The First Avenger - 1066

That face has a lot of detail for something that’s not a real face.

Captain America The First Avenger - 1067

Captain America The First Avenger - 1068

Multiple self-destruct buttons.

Colin:

So you have this kickass surveillance system but you can’t figure out a digital clock for your countdown sequence? I’ll never understand steam punk.

Captain America The First Avenger - 1069

“What are you doing?”

Captain America The First Avenger - 1070

“Our forces are outmatched.”

Captain America The First Avenger - 1071

Captain America The First Avenger - 1072

Goddamn. Is there anything on that board that’s NOT a self-destruct switch? What is the purpose of that board if not to blow everything up in event of a problem?

Captain America The First Avenger - 1073

Interesting. That little scar/gash by his ear.

Captain America The First Avenger - 1074

Look at that run.

He’s running like Eli Wallach ran through that graveyard.

Colin:

That’s how I run through a new supermarket looking for the booze aisle.

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No way he goes over that railing from that kick, but he’s going to anyway.

Captain America The First Avenger - 1076

See?

Captain America The First Avenger - 1077

Damn it, you should have tally ho’d. There is NO need for you to check if he’s dead. There’s no way he comes back up from that.

Captain America The First Avenger - 1078

What are we looking at?

Colin:

A green screen?

Captain America The First Avenger - 1079

That’s a big factory that’s about to get blown up.

Captain America The First Avenger - 1080

Captain America has a gun. That alone is fascinating to me. Has any superhero ever had a gun before? Like, a real gun?

Colin:

Iron Man has lots of guns. But I know what you mean. This is way more non-superhero-ish. I like the idea that he has a pistol and shoots people. Only for the character, of course.

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Captain America The First Avenger - 1082

Captain America The First Avenger - 1083

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So one guy gets shot, is vaporized. The other guy goes down from a bullet. Only real question – why did you only shoot him once? Is he just down now that you shot him once? Shoot him again as you run past. He’s still alive.

Colin:

A lot of these soldiers are using conventional weapons, which makes you wonder why they failed in the first place.

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Love people who throw grenades.

Captain America The First Avenger - 1088

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Also love giant clouds of dirt exploding from the ground.

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You took four minutes to get that cube? What were you doing?

Captain America The First Avenger - 1094

Did that make everyone else notice the weird lack of green in this movie?

Colin:

I was just going to say, it’s been all blue, but now I’m getting Incredible Hulk flashbacks.

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Well, I’m sure that’s meaningful. Good thing that matters to everyone else in this movie who isn’t the audience.

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Colin:

This looks like it was shot in a high school.

In Chechnya.

Captain America The First Avenger - 1100

“Well, I guess that guy’s not important.”

Not like he could have ran him down or anything.

Colin:

No, don’t worry about catching the slow, older man with what looks to be an armful of intel.

Especially given the major assumption being made that Bucky is still alive.

Captain America The First Avenger - 1101

He’s not wearing his uniform anymore.

Captain America The First Avenger - 1102

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So why did they pick him again? I mean, it’ll probably become apparent next movie, but that’s weird.

Colin:

Oh, is this the setup for The Winter Soldier? Bucky was being experimented on or something?

I also kinda like the green to imply some sort of sickness.

Captain America The First Avenger - 1104

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He… looks fine.

Captain America The First Avenger - 1106

“Hey, it’s me. It’s Steve.”

Captain America The First Avenger - 1107

“I thought you were dead.”

Captain America The First Avenger - 1108

“I thought you were smaller.”

Colin:

Yes, yes, dead, smaller. We get it. Write better dialogue. Can Stanley Tucci come back?

Captain America The First Avenger - 1109

Thank god for that explosion. Save us the trouble of explaining that story.

Captain America The First Avenger - 1110

Wow, it’s almost as if we didn’t need to see it earlier.

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So they just had one guy in there to do shit to him, and let him sit there during all this?

Captain America The First Avenger - 1112

“What happened to you?”

“I joined the army.”

Captain America The First Avenger - 1113

“Did it hurt?”

“A little.”

You explained it all in that little amount of time?

“Is it permanent?”

“So far.”

Colin:

That’s not…you can’t say something is permanent ‘so far.’

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Captain America The First Avenger - 1115

Captain America The First Avenger - 1116

More war stuff.

Captain America The First Avenger - 1117

Red, blue and yellow.

Captain America The First Avenger - 1118

Colin:

I still can’t see what’s going on. Marvel needs to make its movies brighter.

Captain America The First Avenger - 1119

Captain America The First Avenger - 1120

That’s the thing about crazy people – they’re the ones who get results, and are the ones so quick to blow it all up.

(Also, why is there no one here as it explodes?)

Captain America The First Avenger - 1121

Captain America The First Avenger - 1122

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Colin:

So all the shit blows up because excitement, I guess. Actually, that sentence applies to a LOT of Marvel films.

Captain America The First Avenger - 1124

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There’s a tally ho coming.

Captain America The First Avenger - 1126

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But we have to go higher.

Captain America The First Avenger - 1128

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“Captain America, how exciting.”

Captain America The First Avenger - 1130

Hold my alien cube, Capote.

Colin:

Hold My Alien Cube, Capote

That movie had Gwyneth, too. Remember when America was obsessed with Truman Capote for two years during the 2000s?

Captain America The First Avenger - 1131

“I am a great fan of your films.”

Are you? Or are you just saying that to be a dick?

Colin:

Yes, Hugo is back and he’s going to taunt the flag-waving fool.

Captain America The First Avenger - 1132

Love that arrow telling you which way is up on the stairs.

Captain America The First Avenger - 1133

“So, Doctor Erskine managed it after all. Not exactly an improvement, but still – impressive.”

If it weren’t so CG, I’d love this shot.

I love it in theory.

Colin:

I like Hugo Weaving in things. I wish people would put him in more things.

Captain America The First Avenger - 1134

Captain America The First Avenger - 1135

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That face coming off.

Captain America The First Avenger - 1138

“You’ve got no idea.”

Captain America The First Avenger - 1139

“Haven’t I?”

Captain America The First Avenger - 1140

Captain America The First Avenger - 1141

Captain America The First Avenger - 1142

That’s cool.

Also weird that he has a metal shield. I guess they upgraded from metal to wood when he went into the combat zones.

Captain America The First Avenger - 1143

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That was such a miss. And you kept it in the film.

Captain America The First Avenger - 1145

Colin:

What’s falling? Did we need a George Lucas ‘dropped-your-lightsaber’ shot for this?

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Captain America The First Avenger - 1147

Captain America The First Avenger - 1148

You picked a weird time to do that.

Captain America The First Avenger - 1149

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Of course, do that. Prevent them from fighting. Because we’ve got an hour left.

Captain America The First Avenger - 1151

Captain America The First Avenger - 1152

Pretty weird how the explosion hasn’t taken this place down yet.

Colin:

This room is JUST the shape for a nefarious blimp.

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“No matter what lies Erskin told you, you see I was his greatest success.”

Does he think Erskine told him that he was his greatest success? Is this a dick measuring contest?

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Colin:

See? This is an acceptable reveal, although now I think he looks and sounds like Willem Dafoe with his nose shaved off. Like, Grand Budapest Hotel Dafoe with his nose shaved off. And also he’s red.

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“You don’t have one of those, do you?”

*zip*

Captain America The First Avenger - 1161

“You are deluded, Captain. You pretend to be a simple soldier, but you are just afraid to admit that we have left humanity behind.”

Colin:

The trouble is that his character makes it impossible for him to ever identify at all with this sentiment, which is what makes a character complex.

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Sure, just toss your Weaving face into the fire.

Why did he have the face in the first place? I guess to not scare the Nazis? But now that everyone knows about him, fuck it, let the red flag fly?

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He’s still talking shit. I love it.

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“Then how come you’re running?”

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And he just smiles.

I want a close up of Red Skull smiling.

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All right, back to the explosions. So nice of them to hold off for that scene to take place.

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Sure, seems logical.

Colin:

That was like a Prince of Persia moment. You see the whole room setup and have to figure out how to do it without dying. Those games were hard for kids. I played the Xbox version of Sands of Time. That franchise is pretty much the original Assassin’s Creed in terms of mechanics.

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“Sir, we’re going to the roof?”

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