Fun with Franchises: The Marvel Universe – Captain America: The First Avenger, Part IV — “Hitler’s Still Murdering Jews. But I Guess Someone Else Is On That?”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is Captain America: The First Avenger.

Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.

We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.

We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.

Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.

Right now, we’re doing the Marvel Universe, and today is the fourth part of Captain America: The First Avenger.

We begin PART IV with them writing a letter.

About Steve’s disappearance.

Colin:

I would watch an entire TV show of Tommy Lee Jones dictating letters. That would be amazing. And there’d be some chump on a typewriter looking up with hesitation every few minutes.

He must declare him killed in action.

And apparently he has a legitimate rank now.

Colin:

We have an hour of this movie and like 12 hours of future movies left in which the Captain appears, so I’m betting he’s not dead.

Surveillance flight came back. No sign.

Colin:

Did the surveillance flight see the whole place blown up? Are they not organizing some sort of expedition to go check out the rubble? Cause it’s all the rubble you can eat.

What about the hundred guys that got out? How do they see no sign of anyone?

How about the enemy tank that’s headed right toward them right now?

“They can’t touch Stark. He’s rich. And he’s the army’s number one weapons contractor. You are neither one.”

Colin:

I love that Stark can’t be touched. He’s just gonna drink and screw. She’s a nobody, so forget her.

I don’t get it, though. Why would either of them get in trouble either way? They dropped one guy into the war zone. The plane wasn’t even damaged. He went in, destroyed one of the most heavily fortified Hydra/German factories, and sure, all the men are missing, but they’re not dead yet. Also, do you really call someone dead and write a letter after like, a day?

“With respect, sir, I don’t regret my actions. And I don’t think Captain Rogers did, either.”

“What makes you think they give a damn about your opinions?”

I’m Tommy Lee Jones.

“I took a chance with you, Agent Carter, and now, America’s golden boy and a lot of other good men are dead. Cause you had a crush.”

Wait, what? A crush? Also, now he’s America’s golden boy?

Also, I love it’s now “I took a chance with you.” I didn’t want you, because you’re a woman, and British, and it worked out for a while, but now you fucked that up, and I was proven right.

“It wasn’t that. I had faith.”

“Well I hope that’s a comfort to you when they shut this division down.”

You’re a colonel. Is this division your only chance of a job?

Also, what is this division?

Oh, but right on time…

Some surveillance you guys got.

Somehow it’s always this convenient, the timing.

And how not a single person died.

Colin:

He brought the weird tanks back. That’s fun. I’m gonna go watch Fury instead. (Note: I actually did!)

What happens if he gets promoted again because of this?

How can Captain America become Major America?

I’ve seen some of these extras more than once on different sides of this camp.

Wow, the five guys we met are all at the front. How’d that work out?

(And why is the black guy not here?)

“Some of these men need medical attention.”

The rest… PCP.

“I’d like to surrender myself for disciplinary action.”

“That won’t be necessary.”

So that’s how the army works? You broke about a hundred laws… but aww, shucks, I can’t stay mad at you!

“Yes, sir.”

No, fuck that. If you broke rules, you need to demand responsibility for your actions. This is that secret selfish nature of Steve Rogers Colin was talking about.

“Faith, huh?”

“You’re late.”

And now she needs new trousers.

“And you’ll be too in about three weeks.”

And that’s how he’ll take care of it.

Colin:

She wants that Captain D. How inappropriate is it that Captain America be into a foreign chick? My girlfriend’s foreign, but then, I don’t wear a flag.

She’s just keeping up the British end.

“Hey! Let’s hear it for Captain America!”

Fuck you.

She’s gonna fuck him so hard.

Neal McDonaugh looks like he’s taking some of that applause.

And good for him. He deserves it.

Colin:

His facial hair sure does.

Colin:

All the soldiers love him now, and we can spend the next 50 minutes dealing with the evil Nazi skull guy.

“I’d like to present this medal of valor to my personal friend…”

Oh, I get it.

“Captain America.”

Captain America ain’t there.

Colin:

Wait, is he not there? Did he never show up? Is the idea that he’s out fighting? Cause this still seems important for the war effort and if he had just never shown up, you’d think that they would know and not be going through with the ceremony.

Is he banging Carter? Is this a Fifth Element steal?

Colin:

Hard multipass.

“I thought he’d be taller.”

Colin:

Oh Stan. You’re old.

I’m confused. Was he never there? Why hold a ceremony if he was never there? Did he sneak out to fly back? That doesn’t make much sense. What was the logic behind this scene other than to get the Stan Lee cameo?

Colin:

I am also confused about where he was or why any of that was necessary. Other than Stan.

But on a separate note — barrage balloons are awesome.

Great that a British newspaper is all about America’s guy.

Also, how fucking great are war movies? All these sandbags just piled up. Barrage balloons. Who gives a shit about infinity stones? Just put people in a fucking field with guns and have them figure it out.

Colin:

Nice edit. I like subterranean bunker edits.

War maps.

Period sets.

And arches.

We like all of these things.

So he’s taken over all planning for the war now?

Oh, I get it. He went into all the war zones to see where people were.

“I just got a quick look.”

“Well, nobody’s perfect.”

She says, thinking he is now.

I like how buttoned up this is. This is the “I wanna fuck you look” army dudes give to their aides.

Berlin is on that map too.

Those are the factories they know about.

There’s another one they shipped the parts to that isn’t on the map.

Colin:

Did he know those were the factories? Why did they have a random map room with the factories laid out like that? Why was that necessary for Zola (I mean, Karl Rove) or Hugo? And who makes these little fake factories? Is there a company out there that specializes in making tiny factories and tanks and stuff for maprooms during war? If so, are they hiring?

Are they hiring is perhaps the most important question you can ask. Why wouldn’t you want to do that if you can’t fight? Sure, super soldier is option one, but if that didn’t work, make tiny factories in the tiny factory factory.

And they’re gonna light a fire under Johan Schmidt’s ass.

Sup, Pvt. Betty?

Wait, is that Natalie Dormer?

Colin:

Oh yeah. Oh yeah. That’s one of those moments when, if you’re paying attention, the plot is given away. When someone you know is glossed over in a scene, you know they’re going to come back for a speaking role. She isn’t an extra. And you’re thinking, why is she here? Oh, she’s going to either get caught up with the Captain or she’s bad in some way. And given that we’re in a bunker in London, yeah.

I will admit, she’s not the type that everyone would have recognized when this movie came out. So she’s kind of in a sweet spot where it’s not Matt Damon getting glossed over and fooling absolutely nobody, but she’s also not a no-name. Still, based on what follows, they probably could have gotten a no-name. This feels like the live-action equivalent of a Hanna-Barbera cartoon in which one object is a slightly deeper hue than everything else, and you’re going, “That shit’s about to move.”

He’s giving him the map, and having him wipe Hydra off of it.

“I’ll need a team.”

“We’re already putting together the best men.”

Top. Men.

Colin:

So they’re going to send him to fuck up those bases cause Hitler doesn’t mean anything anymore. Don’t worry about old Adolf, we’ve got Hydra to worry about.

“With all due respect, sir, so am I.”

No you’re not. They’re actually working on it. You’re about to get five of your friends.

“So let’s get this straight –”

“We barely got out of there alive and you want us to go back?”

Colin:

So we have the most diverse group you could possibly have without women or Native Americans, and he wants them to be his team. Not like they’ll be killed because they’re just regular guys.

“Pretty much.”

“Sounds rather… fun, actually.”

And the Asian dude burps.

Basically, they’re all in. But they’re one dimensional, so they have to show it off in their one way.

Let’s wait for McDonaugh to put on his bowler hat.

“Hell, I’ll always fight. But you gotta do one thing for me.”

“What’s that?”

BOOZE.

“Open a tab.”

You even hear him say, “Well that was easy,” as he walks away.

This would be the moment in the 40s movie for the song.

Colin:

Remember the 40s? No, me neither, but from what I can understand they were sure swell.

Unless you were Jewish.

I was thinking more Gentleman’s Agreement, but then I realized… Holocaust.

Not… not a good decade for them, historically.

“See? I told you. They’re all idiots.”

“How about you?”

Jesus. No more of this line in anything.

“You ready to follow Captain America into the jaws of death?”

That’s a great subtitle for something.

“Hell no. That little guy from Brooklyn who was too dumb not to run away from a fight. I’m following him.”

Because that’s always a smart idea.

And it’s gonna get you killed.

Or at least experimented on for sixty years, minus an arm.

“But you’re keeping the outfit, right?”

Colin:

He was going to North Africa? Wasn’t that done by this point? This is after D-Day.

I think they’re still just hanging out there. You know, post-war, still chilling, kinda like Three Kings.

Also, pretty great how you could just peel that thing off and everyone thinks the tour is back on.

Still no dates or anything at all on there. You really don’t need to say it’s cancelled. No one could figure out how to go to one of those shows anyway.

“It’s kinda growing on me.”

Like Anthony Hopkins’ helmet?

There’s your song.

Colin:

“You Yanks sure can drink!” Yeah. We know. This is my gift, my curse.

With great liver comes great responsibility.

Colin:

The music has stopped. Hot woman, or maimed soldier?

Assassination Attempt or Sex?

What if Ultron walked in right now?

As a goof. Like, “I’m sorry guys. I’m… drunk.”

Or like this:

Well goddamn, Carter.

Colin:

Hot woman, it turns out. Oh, she’s wearing red. Can I take this opportunity to say that I’m really happy she has BROWN hair? Thank you for finally getting a woman with BROWN hair.

Natalie had brown hair.

It’s funny because I gloss over her too. And then there’s Betty.

Pretty much only Pepper had red hair, and we really don’t like her.

“Howard has some equipment for you to try.”

Yeah, are we looking at it?

Also, the Stark or the school? We’ve introduced both so far.

“I see your top squad is prepping for duty.”

Technically by intaking food you’re prepping for… oh, you meant…

“You don’t like music?”

That’s not what she meant. But I like the switch to flirting.

“I do, actually.”

Actually? Like, “Normally I wouldn’t, but by sheer happenstance, music is my kind of bag.”

“I might, even when this is all over, go dancing.”

Or you can go dancing now. With him. In the alleyway.

Colin:

They’re all making the sex eyes. Just sex already.

“Then what are we waiting for?”

“The right partner.”

Colin:

Oh, see, she used his line from before, so you know she wants to sex on him, but not now cause that’d be just no.

Colin:

The moral of the story, kids, is that steroids get you laid. Steve Rogers: The A-Rod of Marvel. Not that he holds a candle to Bruce Banner Bonds in that regard.

“I’m invisible. I’m turning into you. This is a horrible dream.”

“Don’t take it so hard. Maybe she’s got a friend.”

Does she look like she’s got a friend?

The good shit.

Made from blue shit.

Random guy sticking his head into the frame.

“Hard to see what all the fuss is about.”

Colin:

I want one of these things to play with. Like a giant tank with robot hands inside that I can control. I bet there’s fetish porn with a guy undressing a woman with one of these. You know there must be, because the Internet.

“Write that down.”

Colin:

They’re trying to make him a 40s Tony, and he’s not. I will admit, they’re making him more of a screwup, which is good. Like he’s not quite there yet cause he’s still young and inexperienced. I wish he was more the daredevil type, pushing envelopes and whatnot.

The problem is, the more Stark we get, the less war stuff. So I can’t really fault them for any characterization issues there. Though as I said earlier, Stark doesn’t really need to be in this movie at all.

“Excuse me. I’m looking for a Mr. Stark.”

“He’s in with Colonel Phillips.”

Why does she sound like Scarlett Johansson?

“Of course, you’re welcome to wait.”

She wants to bang him.

Colin:

Natalie Dormer. I saw her as Anne Boleyn in The Tudors, and then she turned up in Game of Thrones and The Hunger Games: Mockingjay. She’s really good at playing the girl who’s going to talk her way into your pants even when you know you shouldn’t. And this is why we all saw this coming.

Stanley Tucci’s gonna make the face.

“I read about what you did.”

And now we have too.

“Oh, I uhh – yeah, that’s – just doing what needed to be done.”

“Sounded like more than that. You saved nearly 400 men.”

Not good at picking up signals, are you, Cap?

Who needs dialogue when you have shots?

Colin:

Oh, so when I said she was good at that kind of role, I didn’t remember it was going to be that kind of role. Also, you know how hard it must be for a woman to be that sexy in that color?

Lighting, body language, and legs.

“Really, it’s not a big deal.”

“Tell that to their wives.”

Colin:

She’s going to whip out his dick and Carter’s going to swing by and see. I know how movies work.

“I don’t think they were all married.”

“You’re a hero.”

“Well, that depends on the definition—”

“The women of America, they owe you their thanks.”

With their mouths.

“And, seeing as they’re not here…”

Naturally.

“Captain!”

Colin:

Well, I guess his dick wasn’t out. I stand corrected.

“We’re ready for you.”

She looks very Amy Adams.

colin:

You say that, and all it means to me is that she’s probably going to aggressively jerk him off in the sink.

What did I say?

“If you’re not otherwise occupied.”

“Agent Carter, wait.”

Colin:

Oh she’s gonna be all upset cause women can’t keep it together. You guys aren’t a thing yet, so don’t be pulling this shit.

“Looks like finding a partner wasn’t that hard after all.”

He says it wasn’t what it looked like.

“Always wanted to be a soldier and now you are. Just like all the rest.”

This is a horribly strung together romance.

Colin:

And she’s British. I mean, come on.

It’s also weird that after all this time she doesn’t trust his word over some floozy at the office.

“Well what about you and Stark? How do I know you two haven’t been, fondu-ing?”

Colin:

They haven’t been fondue-ing. But he’s bubbled her goobies.

Reaction shots.

“You still don’t know a bloody thing about women.”

And you’re holding that against him… why?

Colin:

No, don’t tell men what you want or how they should do it, just be angry at them for not figuring it out while also SAVING THE WORLD there i said it

“Fondue is just cheese and bread, my friend.”

Yeah, but it’s also code for fucking.

“Really? I didn’t think—”

“Nor should you, pal.”

Colin:

Interesting history behind fondue. In the 1930s, the Swiss promoted it as a national dish to help sell sub-par cheese. The Swiss Cheese Union is a pretty intense organization.

“The moment you think you know what’s going on in a woman’s head is the moment your goose is well and truly cooked.”

Colin:

He’s a wise 25-year-old.

“Me, I concentrate on work. Which, at the moment, is making sure you and your men do not get killed.”

Cap is just accepting this logic. Just because he’s concentrated on work doesn’t mean he hasn’t banged her.

He came up with some shield upgrades.

Colin:

Wait, so he made armor that will withstand a bayonet thrust? This is pretty steam punk, no? This random old technology that somehow achieves the same stuff we’re trying to achieve now?

Colin:

I’d totally take the one that shoots bullets or something.

“What about this one?”

“No, no, that’s just a prototype.”

What are the rest of them?

“What’s it made of?”

“Vibranium.”

Sounds a lot like Bullshitium.

“It’s stronger than steel, and a third the weight.”

And it’s just a prototype?

“It’s completely vibration absorbent.”

You’re giving this thing a hard sell for something that was just a prototype a second ago.

Colin:

You’re paying attention to the dialogue.

What else am I supposed to pay attention to? It’s not like they give a shit about the shots.

“How come it’s not standard issue?”

Because it’s the rarest metal on earth.

“What you’re holding there – that’s what we’ve got.”

But sure… just a prototype.

“Are you quite finished, Mr. Stark? I’m sure the captain has some unfinished business.”

Colin:

It was a KISS, you bitch!

“What do you think?”

Colin:

Good thing they didn’t ricochet or anything.

“Yes, I think it works.”

Well you know it works now. You think he was making out with that chick on his own accord.

He wants to fon-do her now.

“I had some ideas about the uniform.”

Colin:

He likes the uniform, and that’s okay, I guess. Maybe if it stops bayonets.

His motorcycle has a shotgun holster.

Are those marks from where Carter’s bullets hit?

Colin:

Oh, now we get a Nazi-killing montage. I do enjoy a Nazi-killing montage.

Just like we remember Captain America. Killing Nazis with a handgun.

Colin:

The best part about this is that he still uses a pistol and is still shooting people. Like, guns suck, but I like that he’s still a SOLDIER and hasn’t gone full superhero overnight. He needs to be using a gun to retain that soldier identity. And it is war. We kill people during war. No knockout gas, no Stupefy.

Motherfuckin’ Expelliarmus?

There doesn’t seem to be anyone in this room.

What?

Colin:

No, seriously. What?

What’s that smile about? “Yes. I killed all those Nazis.”

I also like that his uniform has scuff marks all over it. It’s not as clean as it is now. I like that.

So you just gave up wearing the face because now there’s another one like you?

Did you drive all the way up to this factory even though it was clearly on fire and flattened?

Who’s your dentist?

Colin:

You have to wonder what happened to the dentist population during the war.

Colin:

This. Just, more of this.

I wonder if this is AM or PM.

Because I don’t have much else to wonder about right now.

Bastogne?

Colin:

Oh, this is some Bastogne shit. Love me some Bastogne shit.

Half the movie should be this.

“The fuck?”

You just noticed that?

So is that a boomerang? Why does it come back to him? Is that ever explained?

Colin:

How does that thing come back to him like that? I’ve never understood how it doesn’t go flying somewhere else.

Also, why was there one guy in a fucking tree? What kind of scene was that? Just to show us what the shield does?

Why are we montaging through this? This is the only thing I care about.

Look at that gun.

Is Shadowfax gonna show up?

Check out the dynamic of this shot. Black guy wears the helmet to look full on Vietnam. French guy wears the beret. Captain America wears his costume. McDonaugh (still don’t even know what his name is. Did they ever say it? I don’t think they did) wears his bowler hat. And Bucky wears nothing, because we need to see his face at all times. Even though they’re in a fucking WAR. People shoot for your head!

Colin:

I’m going to correct one thing. French guy is British, which I know from the crimson beret, and confirmed. But the fact that neither of us really knew him or his name should demonstrate how little they give a fuck here. We got more background for the pledges in Old School.

That’s right. He did say “jolly good time” when they recruited him. The idea was that every one of these characters is completely one-note and only distinguishable by a single characteristic.

Colin:

That was pretty fucking crazy. I’m not trying to get run over or anything. And cutting it really close, too.

Sticky bomb.

Now play the Looney Tunes music.

Colin:

That’s up there with the best smiles of the franchise.

You’re talking about the black guy, right?

I imagine this is how Tommy Lee Jones goes to the movies.

Colin:

I imagine this is how Tommy Lee Jones does everything he does.

Why didn’t we get that scene? Agent Carter convincing Tommy Lee Jones to go to a movie.

What do you think the actual movie is after this newsreel?

What if Tommy Lee Jones were going to see Lassie Come Home?

It’s 1944 in Europe, which means that you’re looking at 1942/1943 American movies just making it over here. It’s perfectly feasible that Tommy Lee Jones is about to watch Now, Voyager or Random Harvest.

Pretty great how this guy took a week of basic training and got legitimate rank in the army.

Aww. Weird that they just got a shot of that only so she could see it.

Colin:

He’s got a picture of his best girl in his compass. Nice touch, NANCY.

That’s what it takes to get a rise out of Tommy Lee Jones?

Colin:

Tommy Lee Jones is moved by your puppy love.

I miss 16mm.

WHY ARE WE NOT SEEING MORE OF THIS

Colin:

That looks futuristic for NOW. Why does everything have to look weird? You’re taking me out of the war.

Colin:

Oh, that was a nice shot. I love sniper stuff. Stupid gun here, but still. Can we have more sniper movies and snipers in things? I’m always really slow in games like Borderlands because I always pick the sniper class. It’s great if you’re playing together, but alone….not so much.

Stop montaging through the good stuff. Seriously. I don’t give a fuck about your Tesser-action.

There’s a shot.

Bizarre cut. It looked like he was jumping into himself.

Colin:

Wow, that was pretty obviously 3D. Is 3D done yet? Are we just gonna look back at these movies 50 years from now and point out to our grandkids all the moments that were obviously for 3D? And they’ll tell us to shut up and go back to their holo-movies?

They don’t even try to have this montage make sense. It’s pretty ridiculous. It’s only because we want more of it that we even accept it as part of the movie.

Now you’re just showing us a sizzle reel.

Seriously, what is going on here?

Colin:

What the hell monster tank is THAT? That’s not a thing! How is Hitler still cool with this? How has Hitler not declared war on Hydra? And there’s still a war AFTER this ends, too, because they’re only defeating Hydra. Which means that Hitler is just chilling through all of this.

Colin:

And this giant tank that would probably win the war on its own…what was it doing? If it’s a HYDRA tank, what are they doing all this time? We really don’t know what they’re doing or what their goals are. They just have a bunch of stuff strewn across Europe that Captain America can blow up but has very little bearing on the eventual threat.

“You are failing!”

I don’t know why they cut to that, but that’s fucking amazing. That’s Great Train Robbery level shit. If they don’t cut back to him for the next five minutes, this will be my #1 shot on the shots article. (Still might make it if they do, but #1 if that’s all they show of him.)

Damn. Oh well.

But how awesome would it had been if it was just that shot, “You are failing!” and then back to Captain America?

“We are close to an offensive that will shake the planet. Yet we are continually delayed because you cannot outwit a simpleton with a shield.”

What are you doing, exactly?

Also, “simpleton with a shield”? That better be for their sake. Because you already acknowledged him to his face.

He just develops the weapons. He doesn’t fire them.

“Finish your mission, doctor, before the American finishes his.”

War, in a sentence.

“I’m sorry, Herr Schmidt. We fought to the last man.”

And you’re the last man?

You’re so dead.

“Evidently not.”

Weird cuts. It looks like he just watched that.

WHY IS THERE NOT MORE OF THIS?

This is almost a Sam Fuller movie.

Colin:

Is there a Japanese Hydra? Hydla?

“Remember when I made you ride the Cyclone at Coney Island?”

Is that where we’re at?

“Yeah, and I threw up?”

“This isn’t payback, is it?”

Did you really flash back to that specific memory during a war?

“We were right. Dr. Zola’s on the train.”

WHY WASN’T THIS HALF THE MOVIE?!!!!!

Colin:

Zola’s on the train and they’re going to zip-line down. Okay.

Of course the white guys get to yuck it up while the minorities do the work.

Colin:

The black guy’s name is Happy Sam Sawyer, in case this wasn’t bad enough already.

No reason.

“Let’s get going because they’re moving like the devil.”

Get it? He’s British.

Nice. A zip line.

So horribly CGI. Takes all the fun out of it.

Man, I miss the 60s.

How about making it look at least a little realistic. What ever happened to the inventive spirit of moviemaking?

Colin:

Shouldn’t there have been like 8 telephone poles by now? And why is that train going THAT fast next to THAT cliff? Centrifugal force is a bitch.

And now we’re in Snowpiercer.

Did trains move that fast in 1943?

Colin:

Who’s making all their shit? Who runs all their stuff? How do they have futuristic tanks and trains and planes and stuff while Germany’s losing the war and Hitler is still around? Hydra has free movement throughout Europe and Hitler’s empire but they aren’t fighting Hitler?

How do you know what car he’s in?

Also, we know Zola’s on the train… how? By radio? Are we sure that’s not some shit they want you to hear?

Yeah, I’m sure that’s safe.

Well, that’s another way to go.

Did you just leave him on top of the train?

So you try to kill him in a WEAPONS car?

Colin:

This CGI kills you, though. The way the inside of this train looks. Nothing looked like that in 1944 or whenever this is. And the automatic sliding doors. I’ve been on the latest bullet trains, and even THOSE doors aren’t that good. And for another thing, they aren’t automatic – they’re opened by the conductor. Does it seem strange that the doors would open while the train is doing like 100 mph on a cliff?

Well that’s convenient.

That face.

Colin:

How did THAT happen? Do they have cameras everywhere? This looks like a boss fight. It’s Big Dick Klaus and his twin laser cannons.

Colin:

Is this just a regular German guy inside this death suit?

That suit has rounds. They’re perfecting this alien technology pretty quickly.

Colin:

This is why I hate steampunk. You figured out how to harness the energy from a space jewel, but your surveillance feed is sepia. Now, you might say, “Fuck that, sepia’s awesome!” And it is. But I’d prefer sepia screens a world that matches them. All this does is to remind me that MORE of this movie should look 40s, and it totally doesn’t.

This is a video game level. He shouts and taunts you until you get to his car.

I wonder if that’s real munition in those boxes or blue bullets.

So do you guys not care about the rest of this train?

Okay, so it vaporized people, but the shield — just absorbs anything.

The shield literally eats those.

Maybe you should have fired that blue gun a second time.

Colin:

No idea what’s going on. Don’t super-de-duper care.

How nice of Bucky to get in the car with the guys with regular bullets.

Good thing that didn’t obliterate your friend.

So where’s Red Skull during all of this? How come Zola is on this train?

Not that I care. Just curious. I don’t need a reason for this. This is pure war stuff. “Zola’s gonna be on a train, this is when we can get him.” Done, I’m down.

I’m just bored by the action and thinking about other things.

Looks like the train runs on blue shit.

Where’d the dirt come from? This train is pretty clean.

What are you hiding for? Those bullets are not coming through that door.

That sure looks a lot like “biological waste.”

Time to do something stupid.

Yup.

Wow, good thing they only sent like, four guys to kill them.

Look at this asshole.

Parker get out.

Colin:

That was anti-climactic. Is Karl Rove not worried that you’re blowing holes in the train?

Seems like this was part of the plan. I feel like at last part of this was set up to prevent them from getting him.

Colin:

So the separation was temporary and didn’t really lead to anything super tense. Why do people do this? Give us tension that involves a character like Bucky who can actually DIE.

Colin:

Bucky holding the shield, is that supposed to be foreshadowing about how he takes over for Captain America later on?

Colin:

Oh jam! He got the drop on you with his twin laser dick!

At least he grabbed onto that thing. He probably should have just flown right out of the train.

Oh no, my shield! I got that shit in the fourth reel!

Probably should have done that sooner.

And now for the homoerotic portion of the movie.

He seems all right hanging there. Maybe just leave him until you get above solid ground beneath him.

That’s a great reaction shot to, “Grab my hand.”

Well you’re dead.

And not the way you figured you’d go.

Colin:

Is this where Bucky died? Only he doesn’t die. Oh yeah. He’s toast. You guys sure ruined that opportunity to create tension. But then, we don’t REALLY care about the character a whole lot. Where’s everyone else in all this?

Did he see Venice?

But maybe that’s what you get for taking THREE FUCKING GUYS onto a train.

So, to get into it now, before we get to the next movie – no way he survives that. Even if he hits water, which is like, a 5% chance.

So… is no one else on this train trying to kill him?

And the black guy’s just chilling on top, doing nothing.

All right, I take that one back.

Colin:

Graduation photo.

The man behind the curtain is fucked.

Colin:

Where’d they get all that sand? Don’t they know it’s coarse, rough, and irritating? And it gets everywhere!

They should put flour in there. At least when the war’s over, they can bake stuff with it.

Colin:

Karl Rove, locked up.

Colin:

Oh, nice cut to the blood. We know what goes on. You think America never tortured people during WWII? I’m gonna guess we did.

Who was in here before him?

Who’s the good cop gonna be?

Milk. Such a 40s thing.

What would we give someone now? Almond milk? Chicken and kale?

“What is this?”

“Steak.”

“What is in it?”

“Cow.”

Colin:

I would also watch an entire TV show devoted to Tommy Lee Jones telling us what’s in various foods.

He doesn’t eat meat.

Colin:

Karl Rove doesn’t eat meat. That’s rich.

“Why not?”

“It disagrees with me.”

“How about cyanide? Does that give you the rumbly tummy too?”

What? Not even the way he says it. Just, what? Do you not know how cyanide works?

Reaction shots are the key to “What the fuck did Tommy Lee Jones just say?”

So he starts eating it. Because why not?

“Every Hydra agent that we try to take alive has crunched a little pill before we can stop them. But not you. So here’s my brilliant theory – you want to live.”

Just like Susan Hayward.

“You’re trying to intimidate me, Colonel.”

By telling him he wants to live?

“I bought you dinner.”

Colin:

He DID buy you dinner that you don’t want. And now he’s going to eat it. Always eat the dinner. I want that dinner right now.

They offer him a deal. The deal is already done. He’s already told Washington that Zola helped them greatly, so they’re sending him to Switzerland.

“Of course, it was encoded. You guys haven’t broken those codes, have you? That would be awkward.”

Colin:

That was my favorite line of this movie. That was amazing. Tommy Lee Jones’ delivery. Holy shit.

“Schmidt would know this is a lie.”

“They’re gonna kill you anyway, doc. You’re a liability. You know more about Schmidt than anyone. And the last guy you cost us was Captain Rogers’ closest friend, so I wouldn’t count on the very best of protection.”

Colin:

Every movie needs a good interrogation. And you eat ALL the donuts.

Tommy Lee Jones is what gets me through this scene. It doesn’t really hold up. It’s that Cold War posturing, before the Cold War.

You could fuck somebody’s life up with the right disinformation about them during the Cold War. Here — ehh. “We told them you helped us.” “They’ll know you’re lying.” “But they’re gonna kill you anyway, because you know stuff. So help us.” He could stay alive working for either side right now.

“It’s you or Schmidt. That’s just the hand you’ve been dealt.”

“Schmidt believes he walks in the footsteps of the gods.”

“Hmm.”

Best reaction to anything is that word.

“One time I had sex with a homeless guy who said he was the Dalai Lama.”

“Hmm.”

“Only the world itself will satisfy him.”

I wonder what would happen if he won. Presumably this is one of the realms under Odin and Thor. After a certain point, they’d have to send him down to stop Red Skull, right? Not that we’re gonna get that far.

“You do realize that’s nuts, right?”

He says he can do it.

“What’s his target?”

“His target is everywhere.”

Colin:

He just told you that only the world will satisfy Schmidt. So that’s the target.

Colin:

I don’t even want to get into how ridiculous that plane is for this point in history. For even now.

This is the thing he has in the comics. And we saw a drawing of it. So I won’t get too crazy about how ridiculous this thing is.

How many of these people are wondering about the fact that this dude has a giant red skull? You have to, right? Sure, blindly follow him and all that. But there’s no way you’re not thinking, “Man, that guy looks fucking weird.”

Who fucks him? Why do we not get the scene with him in bed with the shapely German whore?

Speech time.

“Tomorrow, Hydra will stand master of the world.”

This speech is gonna end with booze, and that makes me okay with it.

“Born to victory on the wings of the Valkyrie, our enemy’s weapons will be powerless against us.”

This is essentially Stark’s Jericho speech.

“If they shoot down one plane, hundreds more will rain fire upon them.”

“If they cut off one head…”

“Two more shall take its place. Hail Hydra.”

Colin:

Can he drink that? Does he have lips? How did he really end up that way? I’m confused about his whole…face situation.

I’d like it if he was just around, and no one spoke about his giant deformity. He’s a good villain.

There are a limited number of group salutes. You gotta start getting complicated to be original after a while.

Well that happened.

Well those ranks aren’t as fleshed out as you’d have thought.

Colin:

Where are all these soldiers from? Are they from the Wehrmacht? Certainly not the SS. It’s strange that he’d be able to conscript this many soldiers or take that many from the German army or whatever. Where did they all come from?

This might be my favorite scene in the movie, setting-wise. In terms of what’s discussed — meh.

“Dr. Erskine said the serum wouldn’t just affect my muscles, it would affect my cells.”

He can’t get drunk. That’s what it means.

Colin:

He can’t get drunk. Which makes that a lousy gift.

“It wasn’t your fault.”

“Did you read the reports?”

“Yes.”

“Then you know that’s not true.”

He’s putting it all on himself (again). There was nothing he could do.

“You did everything you could.”

“Did you believe in your friend? Did you respect him? Then stop blaming yourself. Allow Barnes the dignity of his choice. He damn well must have felt you were worth it.”

Colin: