Fun with Franchises: The Marvel Universe – Captain America: The First Avenger, Part V — “This Movie Is Like Tally Ho Christmas”
We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is Captain America: The First Avenger.
Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.
We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.
We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.
Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.
Right now, we’re doing the Marvel Universe, and today is the fifth and final part of Captain America: The First Avenger.
We begin Part V right at the start of the raid.
Why did we have to start with this shot and not the next one?
The ringwraiths chasing Liv Tyler.
Except no midget is frothing at the mouth.
Colin:
Every franchise needs a frothing midget.
Does that mean he’s focused, and ready to get revenge for Bucky? Is that what that means?
Or Endor.
Colin:
Also home to frothing midgets.
And they were just waiting somewhere in the forest, I guess.
Definitely Endor.
Colin:
This IS an Indiana Jones movie. Nazi motorcycle chase!
There’s a really big technology jump because of this blue shit. And then all of this stuff is just sort of… forgotten about, after this.
How come the shield doesn’t look like that at the beginning?
Oh good, this bike has tricks.
Colin:
What were the chances that he’d get two trees RIGHT next to the road? If the wire has to be removed from the bike in its entirety, wouldn’t you need a very precise road diameter to ensure that it was taut? Isn’t it strange that he happened to hit two trees at precisely the right moment that had the perfect diameter for this wire to be held taught between them? Never mind. Don’t think about things.
We’ve now crossed totally into comics from war movie. Which is a shame.
DEFINITELY Endor.
Why are we seeing this?
This is almost Wacky Races, too.
Colin:
Seriously, did Stark make this? What the hell is this?
Colin:
….I dunno, try areadenialweapons dot com?
WILHELM SCREAM!
That might have been Wilhelm.
Colin:
Wilhelm!
That was a practical stunt, by the way. Surprised at them.
This is fucking Endor.
Colin:
The force? This is really Endor.
We’re not told why this is happening, don’t see any of the other characters. Just… action. The forest setting is all right, but there’s not really a purpose to any of this, except, as we find out later, to be a distraction and get him in the front door.
They probably all just could have zip-lined in, since security didn’t seem to mind even after they caught him.
YES. Bunker!
So that shield is gonna save that entire bike?
Colin:
That shield doesn’t cover most of you, but whatever. I like that he rides a chunky motorcycle.
Really now. Does Hydra have other scientists that can retrofit already advanced vehicles and weapons with space technology?
Man, they suck at aiming.
Of course his bike has guns.
Colin:
Your tank was just blown up by a guy on a motorcycle. Which, who do you think you are, Fiona Volpe? Now THERE’S a franchise reference.
Yeah… she was…
I’m trying to think of a nice way to say tits.
She also did have a Deborah Kerr look about her.
Matrix Reloaded.
Colin:
Why would you make your bunker a jump? Sorry, that’s a stupid question. Cause it’s fun as hell to jump your barricades into the base instead of driving in like an adult.
He should be dead right now.
That should have been a head shot.
Tally ho!
He’s the best for tally hos.
Colin:
Definitely in this franchise. I still think Depp was more spirited with his tally hos.
Stuck the landing!
For those keeping track, that’s a tally ho, off a bike, tackling a guy off of a tank, into a barrel roll, back up, and then he nails a guy in the face with the shield.
Shoot him now, asshole behind the truck!
So apparently that had explosives on it that weren’t triggered during all the previous shooting?
You guys SUCK.
Colin:
Seriously. Go for the legs. Also, he’s been fighting them for a long time now. Doesn’t he have some of their weapons to use against them? They’re OBVIOUSLY better. You don’t have to continue using bullets on principle.
It’s Steve Rogers. Yes he does.
Yes, punch the shield. Smart move. That thing just took ANIHILATION.
By the way, YOU HAVE A GUN THAT OBLITERATES PEOPLE.
Ricochet.
Colin:
This is the moment where I stop and think, “Wait. How did they make a fucking Captain America movie? Well, actually, the WWII subject matter is cool…but they screwed that up. How did you make a WWII movie that I dislike?”
Wires!
Oh, that guy’s my favorite. Flamethrower dudes are always my favorite.
Unless there’s a guy randomly throwing grenades. Then he’s my favorite.
Colin:
People who didn’t like Skyfall…Javier Bardem lobbing grenades into a house while smiling. Is Exhibits A-Z.
How about you just roll out of the way?
Colin:
Is this a video game? Do you have a gun? Shoot one of them in the face and leave.
Fire’s not on the ground.
Isn’t your suit flame retardant?
Colin:
Maybe throw the shield at one of their heads? They’re shooting fire, they don’t have great blocking capabilities at the moment.
Seriously, you can run right now.
Y’all are surrounded.
Somehow they don’t want to kill him now?
I know the plan is to get caught, but their plan seems to be to bring you in alive.
I never get how that works. You try to kill him, but then you have him cornered, so you go, “Okay, let’s take him to the boss.” Just once I want to see them surround a guy and then one of the henchman just comes up and puts one in his head. Then goes, “Man, that guy was annoying.” And then they disperse.
Colin:
THAT thwarted you? What a lousy superhero. But heroes always need to get captured for the plot to continue, so I guess we’ll have to allow it.
The only word he should say here is, “Okay.”
But he won’t say it, because reinforcements are coming.
Also, do you have a smoke bomb right now? Because you should.
Wait, what? Why didn’t the rest of them come with him?
I thought they’d capture him, then the guys come and save him. They’re actually taking him inside alone?
This must have been part of the plan.
Colin:
Why can’t they have infiltrated Hydra? The guys all wear full body armor and you can’t see faces. This would be easier to infiltrate than a party at Chuck E. Cheese.
For that matter, how come evil organizations always have moles everywhere, but good guys never seem to get their dudes into the evil organizations? It’d be cool if Captain America was trying to be captured, right? Cause he’s supposed to be a brilliant tactician. So far, I’m not really feeling the tactical side of things.
Are they walking him down the aisle? What’s that about?
“Arrogance may not be a uniquely American trait, but I must say, you do it better than anyone.”
Colin:
Arrogance isn’t uniquely American. And besides, we’re not arrogant. We’re just that good.
“But there are limits to what even you can do.”
Apparently not. Since that last vial hasn’t even been mentioned once.
“Or did Erskine tell you otherwise?”
Erskine didn’t tell him shit. Erskine died before he could do anything.
“He told me you were insane.”
Didn’t need to tell you that. You can figure that out by your damn self.
“Ahh.”
Not quite “Hmm,” but I’ll take it.
Colin:
“OH DID HE? WELL, WOULD AN INSANE PERSON DO THIS?!” *whips out dick, masturbates furiously*
“He resented my genius and tried to deny me what was rightfully mine, but he gave you everything. What made you so special?”
“Nothing.”
Colin:
Notice how nobody’s been properly hit by a car in this movie yet. Cause pro tip: if your script isn’t working out, you’ve always got characters getting hit by vehicles up your sleeve.
“I’m just a kid from Brooklyn.”
Colin:
Man, it must have been really tricky trying to explain to him how Brooklyn went from white to non-white, then back to white.
Look at that guy holding the shield in the back like it’s a purse.
That’s a “you disgust me” face.
“I can do this all day.”
That’s great.
“Of course you can. But unfortunately…”
“I am on a tight shedule.”
Colin:
Why was he captured and brought before Red Skull if they weren’t going to talk and he was only going to shoot him anyway?
Bout fucking time.
Colin:
See, nobody knows when to kill their problems. THIS MOMENT. This is the moment I’m always bitching about. How hard is it to shoot him in the head and THEN look at what’s going on out the window? Don’t hesitate. Comic books are based on hesitation and that’s why I hate them. If anyone actually followed through with their executions, comics would run out of characters in like 4 issues.
Now you zip line? Not gonna try anything new?
They set up this zip line right outside his office. Did no one notice that? How’d you get away with that? Why didn’t you all just do this to start with? I bet he doesn’t have guys with guns inside his office. What was the purpose of the motorcycling? To open the door for everyone else? Because they could have done that on their own.
“So am I.”
Why are you on a shedule?
Sure it did.
How about you shoot them now?
You look like you’re about to fall off that desk.
So those are explosives back there.
Video game. Shoot your way through the base and chase after Red Skull, who is always one step ahead of you and stops at opportune moments to say some dialogue.
Colin:
Of course this happens. Everyone knows this is happening. I hate this part of every movie that it happens in. Hero’s about to die, help arrives, bad guy hesitates, then retreats to the final showdown. This shit is cookie cutter.
He wears a bowler hat and uses at shotgun. How can you not love him?
Still have no idea what his name is, though.
Colin:
Dum Dum Dugan. Which makes me like him slightly less.
Hey look, the finished painting.
That painter’s gotta be at the bottom of that mountain somewhere.
Great how he just leaves them to fend off the dudes who can obliterate them with one hit.
Star Wars.
“We’re in! Assault team, go!”
Look at that guy’s face. It’s a mixture of defeatist fireman in The Blob mixed with Francis from Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure.
Oh, and she’s there. Because why not put her in harm’s way? I guess “agent” allows her to just operate with army guys.
Colin:
She’s moving in with them? Cause I guess she needs to be just about everywhere, even though we still have no idea what she actually does or who she’s supposed to be. They dropped her into this scrip, showed her punching a guy and since then we just accept her being around because she’s the love interest.
It’s amazing how much a lot of modern movies suck when you take a minute to ask, “What’s this character’s purpose in the movie?”
And to be honest, outside of Steve, Bucky, Erskine, Red Skull, and maybe Toby Jones… I got nothing for everyone else. Just… to be there. Say things. Be entertaining and take up screen time. She’s just kind of there as the love interest. So I guess I can accept it on that level. Outside of that, no real purpose.
Are there no more guys on bikes? What happened to all the guys with the flamethrowers?
Colin:
Why aren’t they all picking up Hydra weapons from the dead guys as they go? They’re still using conventional bullets in this setting?
Haven’t said anything until now, but this is the same coloring the first Twilight movie had.
Colin:
I woke up like this.
The Italian guy looks like Eli Wallach playing the accordion.
Colin:
What did I say?
Nice. She has a gun. Cool, cool.
They should riddle this guy with bullets, Caan style.
Look at those ramps! Why wasn’t more made of those ramps?
And that guy became the fetus in 2001: A Space Odyssey.
That guy in the center is running like when you’re just figuring out the controls. L2 is that strafe move, and you’re trying to tell him to sprint. And he keeps jumping sideways like a moron.
Amazing they’re losing to guys with regular guns.
I like that he has a luger with the blue shit. Not a big gun. A luger.
Oh, there’s the big gun.
Colin:
Red Skull has a better gun, or aims better or whatever. You know, he’s the boss, so these guys don’t matter. These movies have gotten to the level of Red Cliff, where there are a few bosses who handle each other while the minions basically stand around or create random chaos. Your numbers mean nothing.
He just stood there and let himself get shot.
“Let’s go find two more.”
Colin:
Tommy Lee Jones has a shotgun. There’s another movie.
HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN II
Sure.
Oh look, another flamethrower guy.
Convenient.
“You’re late.”
Oh, god.
You have no game at all, my friend.
“What are you about to, uhh –”
“Right.”
Colin:
They were gonna kiss, but not really cause why do we care, exactly? I don’t like anything about her except that her hair ISN’T red.
That was an interesting moment. He stepped up to kiss her, and she gets nervous like, “Are you about to kiss me? Because I don’t know if I can handle this. I just shot some guys, I got dirt all over me, I didn’t exactly put my hair up the right way for this. I thought it was just gonna be killing, and here we are, about to have a moment,” and he reads that as, “Oh, right, she’s telling me I should go get that guy I was chasing,” and runs off.
You two probably don’t deserve to fuck.
Or fondue.
Or whatever.
That could be Bucky in the next movie and you’d never know.
Also, points for the flaming corpse behind her.
How did you get there before Rogers did?
(Also, Star Wars. Millennium Falcon.)
Does that thing give off an unlimited amount of blue shit?
SWIVEL CHAIR!
Colin:
Can one person fly this thing? Is that the whole Tesseract controlling it? For that matter, do those Hydra weapons have batteries or something? How many shots before they require recharging?
Colin:
I love this map mechanism in the plane, even though it makes no sense. It’s totally Bond’s DB5, but it looks too digital. I love the idea of it being a map overlay inside the mechanism and that it’s just scrolling across that.
Love the sepia screens.
Colin:
Wait, so it has propellers AND afterburners? That…doesn’t make any sense at all. The props would be drag on that plane after it hits like 500 miles per hour, which is the point where afterburners make sense. And how come the afterburners are orange if this thing is powered by the Tesseract?
I like this suit better than his later one.
I like this shot in theory. All these guys fighting all over the hangar and he’s gotta get across them.
But… CG.
Jumping punch. Goddamn.
And is no one thinking they should take this guy out? Of all the guys?
So many tally hos.
His face here, though.
YEAH RIGHT.
Well that was an obstacle overcome stupidly.
Maybe turn around and shoot at him now.
Sure.
Oh, both of them.
Colin:
Tommy Lee Jones has the crazy car and what’s her face is already sitting in the back. She knows her place in this movie. But isn’t this runway a little long? There’s no way they’re catching up at this point. And who made this runway? This would have cost several fortunes to make, plus YEARS. I can’t see how Hitler paid for or even condoned this at all.
Where was this car parked?
The lesson here is, even evil wears a seatbelt.
Sure that’s what you’re watching. Sure it is.
Colin:
That doesn’t sound like a supercharger at all. That sounds like the dragster engine. I’m sad.
GoldenEye started this way.
That’s that fine German engineering.
Colin:
Seriously good. Like, I’m really glad Germany was able to salvage a positive tradition from all the bad stuff they did. The war was bad, but German cars are SWEET.
A red button named K. Interesting choice.
Colin:
Kompressor. The German word for supercharger. In case people were confused.
Yup, has nothing to do with the other red button in a Tommy Lee Jones movie or his character’s name from that movie.
Deux ex Men in Black.
“Wait!”
Colin:
This is going to be a “Go get ‘em” moment, isn’t it?
So we forgot about Pvt. Natalie Dormer?
“Go get him.”
Colin:
Goddamn it.
“I’m not kissin’ ya.”
Colin:
This is a really low hangar and a really long runway. The point of a flying wing is that it generates a fuck ton of lift and takes off at low speeds, even when fully loaded. The idea that this thing is going super fast and not lifting off before reaching the end of the runway where the opening is makes no sense at all. He’d have to be forward on the stick to keep the thing from taking off.
I hope this was a makeup job on him, because it looks mostly realistic.
So many.
Is it me, or did it seem like there was a lot less room for that plane to take off in the hangar shots?
From back there, it looked like there was a mountain right in front of this strip to conceal it. That’s like, wide open space now.
Sure.
The two COs almost just went off a cliff.
Who’d have been in charge then? The Asian?
Colin:
I would so keep that car.
This face.
Pop a hole in the tires.
LOOK AT ALL THESE TALLY HOS THIS IS LIKE TALLY HO CHRISTMAS
Colin:
That might be a subtitle on the film. It is rather like tally ho Christmas.
Colin:
Are those all flying bombs? Like, someone’s going to pilot them to their destination and blow up? Hydra has suicide bombers?
Hydra seems to have whatever it wants.
Reaction shots are the key to doomsday.
So how did that work? They were told he was down here but nothing else? Was he just hanging up there until they came down?
A knife?
You can’t shiv Captain America!
Colin:
Didn’t Stark say it could take most bayonets?
KIDNEY PUNCH!
Colin:
JESUS, that was a throw with the knife, eh? Good for you, having a body count. Even if they are faceless fake Nazis.
This guy at least has his priorities straight. Fuck the fight, Imma go destroy Chicago.
“I wonder what this button does.”
Get the fuck out of here.
Sure, just throw a guy out of the plane.
Colin:
Why does it take so much longer for him to defeat these guys than it usually does? He should just defeat them all and dump all the bombs right now. That ends the plan right there, does it not?
Tally Ho New Years.
Dr. Strangelove.
Colin:
All of this is death, by the way. You’re not surviving this little trip on the wing of a flying bomb.
Sure, try to shake him off. It’s not like you have a city to destroy.
So much for your tight shedule.
I’m okay with this.
Colin:
Okay, this movie is MAJORLY Indiana Jones. You’ve got Nazis and artifacts and a flying wing and a motorcycle chase…this is a better Indiana Jones movie than Crystal Skull was.
Colin:
So an automatic cockpit that opens in flight? Right. And the turrets on this plane are automatic and shoot lasers? Right. I hate steam punk so much.
What is it with Captain America and red levers?
That has to have a parachute. We just don’t see it. So because he’s a bad guy, it’s okay to assume he falls to a horrible death.
And now he’s just gonna fly it back where he was, because that’s how we get the action to continue. And because he somehow knows exactly where it is and which direction it went.
Colin:
Well, it wasn’t super long and there are contrails and it’s huge.
Oh, it’s conveniently still right in front of him. How nice.
Missile lock!
Won’t the explosion of that thing, which is big enough to take out New York, destroy your plane at that close a distance?
Why did you circle around the front just to get behind it again? I’m confused.
Surprise buttsex.
Colin:
Fly, yes. Land? Apparently not.
Shouldn’t that explode right now?
We’re gonna run into this problem three movies from now.
No? Well fuck me for thinking physics worked.
Right where I left you.
Colin:
“I got my helmet shield back!”
Why so tentatively? Bust the fuck in. He knows you’re here.
Are all the other Hydra guys dead?
Shouldn’t they have gotten on their planes and flew out to destroy those other cities by now?
Have we abandoned all logic?
I know he’s not in the swivel chair, but he should turn around in it.
(Also, complete Star Wars.)
Colin:
If you’re sneaking into the cockpit area, there’s a pretty good chance that someone will be in there waiting to shoot you.”
I’m guessing the idea was to put all of Hydra on this plane, take down all the world capitals and just hang out on here until shit cooled down and swoop in and takeover.
Not the worst plan in the world, as far as nuclear annihilation plots got.
He must have known Cap would make it this far. Because if he died in the ensuing landing, Red Skull would just be hiding in the shadows of this bridge like a moron.
Colin:
Why do these weapons have to make a warning noise? If it was a regular gun, he’d have been able to just shoot him.
How about you aim for his legs and not for the shield?
Colin:
And now the cabin should be depressurizing, unless it was already unpressurized, in which case it should be cold as all fuck.
“You don’t give up, do you?”
Colin:
That’s a dumb line.
“Nope.”
Look how high the waist on those pants are.
Man fight!
I like this this comes down to a fistfight. I’m okay with that. Because why not? I’d rather fists than alien technology.
Though it’s hard to capture a fistfight.
Yes, lens flares, we get it.
They could have done a nice silhouette shot here if they cared.
Out of context images.
I’ve actually lost track of what’s happening right now.
Wait, what? Were they in space?
Colin:
No? They’re just high up enough that you can see the curvature of the Earth. If they’d been in space, there’d be a massive depressurization.
Colin:
So hey, not to be a nag or anything, but your plane is going down.
Colin:
Actually, that’s pretty cool, cause they can be weightless and stuff. Weightless fighting is interesting at least. I wanna ride the Vomit Comet myself.
I’ve ridden it before. (Bachelorette party aftermath.) You get used to it.
He’s wearing the bad guy jumpsuit. Cate Blanchett wore one of those in Crystal Skull.
Weird how there’s no air force around here.
Wow, good thing autopilot was in both German and English so we knew what it was.
Colin:
You have the autopilot off! You can turn it around and get Stark on the line! Why the hell does this have to be a sacrifice if you can control the plane and turn it around?!
This looks like an early 90s music video.
Holy shit, the gun makes it better.
“You could have the power of the gods.”
“Yet you wear a flag on your chest and think you fight a battle of nations.”
He sounds like Willem Dafoe here.
Nice barrel roll.
“I have seen the future, Captain.”
Like Irina Spalko?
“There are no flags.”
Colin:
No flags in the future? I could almost be interested in this if his intention was to end the world wars by uniting the people of Earth under him. It wouldn’t be totally evil, just horribly misguided. Of course, they ended up using that for Loki’s motivations in The Avengers instead.
“Not my future!”
That’s all it took? I feel like you guys hit that thing a few times already.
Colin:
What just happened? I’m confused. Is it going to open a wormhole or something? How are they able to get the Tesseract to power random shit they want? Could there be a Tesseract microwave that would cook my lasagna evenly?
Remember when a little bit of this stuff almost blew up Stark?
Sure, just grab the infinite source of power. That’ll end well.
Nice lighting on his CGI face.
Cool, cool. No idea what’s happening, but cool.
No words being spoken at all.
I like the red white and blue.
This is a pretty shitty ending.
Villain-wise.
So he’s just going into space?
Colin:
Wait, did he just get sent to another dimension? Is he in Asgard or something? Was that a porta-bi-frost? What the shit just happened? They explain nothing.
Okay, so you just save him for later?
Kind of a waste of a villain. Unless you REALLY bring him back later. Which you won’t.
So, maybe… fly that thing now?
And how did they find this thing later on?
And… the first time?
Colin:
Sucks when the gas for your plane falls through the floor.
What? I thought the other thing was going to New York. I’m so confused.
Colin:
Maybe it’s flying to New York where that one was supposed to blow up and the rest went for other cities.
Can’t you safely just land this thing and leave it there?
“Come in, this is Captain Rogers, do you read me?”
Get the fuck out of my chair, Slanty!
“Captain Rogers, what is your—”
“Steve, is that you? Are you all right?”
Really? Not gonna let the radio man do his job?
“Schmidt’s dead.”
You can’t say that for certain.
“What about the plane?”
“That’s a little bit tougher to explain.”
Why?
“Give me your coordinates, I’ll find you a safe landing site.”
“There’s not gonna be a safe landing.”
A Matter of Life and Death.
Or rather, A Matter of Cap and Death.
“But I can try and force it down.”
Or… put it on autopilot.
Doesn’t this thing run on Tesseract? It’ll go down eventually. Or recalibrate the autopilot to land close to here.
And Tommy Lee Jones is like, “Leave.”
“I’ll get Howard on the line. He’ll know what to do.”
“There’s not enough time. This thing’s moving too fast, and it’s headed for New York.”
Don’t you dare say it’s beautiful. Don’t you fucking dare.
“I gotta put her in the water.”
“Please, don’t do this, we have time. We can work it out.”
Try to see things my way?
Colin:
Wait, what? Why do you have to put it in the water? Turn off autopilot, turn around, bail out. You can’t tell me there’s not a parachute on this thing. Or some escape pod for Hugo or something.
Can’t he be in one of those other planes with the bombs? Those are probably easier to pilot.
“Right now, I’m in the middle of the water. If I wait any longer, a lot of people are gonna die.”
Yeah, but you can put it down AND jump out. Those are not separate possibilities.
“Peggy, this is my choice.”
And it’s a stupid choice.
A Matter of Life and Death.
Colin:
Oh god. This is awful. This is majorly awful. They could have done this so much better. So, so, so much better. Did they not watch A Matter of Life and Death before writing and/or shooting this scene? There are precedents for these things. You can always go back to better, older movies for guidance on how to deal with tricky stuff.
“Peggy.”
“I’m here.”
Seriously, go watch A Matter of Life and Death right now.
Colin:
Even just the first 10 minutes, if you want this part. But watch all of it.
“I’m gonna need a raincheck on that dance.”
I thought you were over water.
Colin:
This is dumb and there’s no reason he has to do this. People have jumped in and been like, “Oh, well he probably only has vertical control of the plane.” Considering that we never see him even attempt to turn it around, that’s unlikely, but even if it WAS the case, you can pull back and do a 180.
No, the truth is that he tried absolutely no alternatives before martyring himself so that he could be stuck in the ice. And you know why? So they could have the shitty conversation they’re having now.
Instead of that, have it be that he thinks he’s made it and he’ll be able to turn it around or whatever, and they’re having the heartfelt moment where she chides him for being awkward around women and tells him she’ll be waiting for their dance, and as he’s saying the right thing, there’s an explosion or something that gives him just enough time to pull a Maggie from The Dark Knight. “No, uh, this is okay, this is going to be fi–” and then static.
He’s in the debris, alive, but knocked out, and he gets frozen. Boom. This could all have been solved by an explosion.
“All right. A week, next Saturday, at the Stork Club.”
I don’t think you’re fully comprehending this.
“You got it.”
Well that’s one extra scene we’re gonna see.
“8 o’clock on the dot. Don’t you dare be late. Understood?”
“You know, I still don’t know how to dance.”
“I’ll show you how. Just be there.”
She’s fucked other guys before. Is what this is implying.
“We’ll have the band play something slow.”
Like Taps?
“I’d hate to step on your—”
He was totally gonna say cunt.
“Steve?”
Colin:
What if Tommy Lee Jones was masturbating furiously?
Is my pitch for every sitcom I’ve ever tried to set up.
“Steve?!”
Honestly, if you take out all the space bullshit and the Avengers set up, this is a hell of a movie.
I guess the proper way to say it is — this is actually way better than a Marvel movie deserves, outside of the Marvel shit.
And this is where we came in.
Independence Day.
And Titanic.
Though that does look like a giant silhouetted dick.
Colin:
And he’s inside and alive but frozen immediately, apparently.
And that’s the end of the movie!
So this had absolutely nothing to do with the end of the war, but you’re making it seem like it did?
Colin:
Yay, we beat the Nazis, who weren’t really a factor in this film at all!
“To the captain.”
NICE SUIT, black guy.
(Sorry, I don’t know any of their names.)
Colin:
The black guy has a cool hat cause black guys in movies always get cool hats. Not like the stupid white guy and his dumb hat. I know he was in Band of Brothers, but his hat was dumb. And for the record, his name is Dum Dum Dugan and the black guy is Happy Sam Sawyer.
Stark’s got the Tesseract. And apparently Shield just held it for 60 years and randomly decided to give it to Stellan Skarsgard.
Colin:
How the shit did they find that? What depth was it at? If it fell through the plane’s floor, why can they pick it up? Remember Spider-Man 2, when Alfred Molina’s fusion reactor was doused by the East River? Because if anything can stop the power of the sun, it’s the East River.
He tells them to keep looking for Rogers, even though they have no leads.
Colin:
Wouldn’t they keep searching forever? Why would they stop? They need to find this plane and get the shit that was on it and everything. You’d think they’d just keep looking til they found it. It’s not even entirely submerged and you only need to search a small radius around where the Tesseract was located.
I guess the idea is that this is what lead to him finding… oh, wait, Russian oil crew. Never mind.
Colin:
Pretty sad that they had the bearing of the plane and found the Tesseract on the ocean floor, but missed the plane that’s still sticking out of the ice.
This sounded like it was about to turn into the Jurassic Park theme here.
Colin:
Oh, calm your British titties. There always has to be a moment of file-looking. This movie is rife with these clichés that don’t have to happen.
Nice to know Cap’s image is being used to rob candy stores all across this great nation.
Colin:
Wait, so…was this just to show that little kids from New York were inspired by him and that his legacy lives on? Cause then we seem to have forgotten about him for the most part.
And that’s the end of the movie!
Man, that was a good twenty seconds of darkness.
I’ll say this beforehand – this would have been a really shitty thing to do if not for the twist.
Colin:
I don’t get it. He’s got super healing and stuff, so how was he sedated or whatever after they defrosted him? How did they know that he’d be okay?
REAR PROJECTION!
Colin:
How long did it take them to set up this ruse? Did they keep him on ice so the union contractors would have time to finish making a fake 1940s room?
“Morning.”
You don’t look very 40s.
“Or should I say afternoon.”
Did you know he was gonna wake up?
Colin:
That must have been fun, dressing up for this role and pretending to be your grandmother.
Was granny easy?
Colin:
As difficult as it is for many of us to hear, grannies were often easy. Now, my paternal grandmother…an Irish Catholic married at 19 who had 11 kids. That’s not ‘easy.’ That game was over before it started.
“Where am I?”
“You’re in a recovery room in New York City.”
“Where am I really?”
“I’m afraid I don’t understand.”
“The game. It’s from May, 1941. I know ‘cause I was there.”
Okay. Ignoring the fact that they picked a game from before he disappeared, and the fact that he somehow managed to be at that game – why the fuck would he remember it? I’ve been to a few baseball games, but rarely do I remember scores and what happened in the 8th inning.
Colin:
What are the chances he was there? That’s ridiculous. There should have been something else that tipped him off.
Also, I noticed that he said 1941, and it struck me that he could have said ’41 and it would have sounded fine. But nobody says ’15. We all say “twenty-fifteen” or whatever.
He seems to somehow know this isn’t the 40s.
Uh oh. You’re about to get neutralized.
“Now I’m gonna ask you again – where am I?”
“Captain Rogers—”
“Who are you?”
ACTUAL REAR PROJECTION!
Oh, this is my favorite.
Colin:
I love it. I’m just wondering if they think the world actually looked sepia back then, and if occasional movement from outside ever happened. What happens when he walks over the window and looks down?
It seems like the idea was to not have him suddenly wake up in the future, to at least give him that room and then explain it gently. They just didn’t plan on him figuring it out so quickly.
Colin:
DYNO-MITE! DYNO-MITE!
This is cool.
“All agents, code 13.”
Ahh, but he wasn’t WITH a hooker today!
Wait, her walkie is tapped into the PA system?
More pushing people over in lobbies like this.
Colin:
Okay, I admit. If I was frozen when cars looked awesome and woke up to a Prius, I’d be freaked out, too.
This is gonna end with, “Not where, when,” isn’t it?
Colin:
And now he runs outside and finds out how much New York has changed. And he’s randomly in Times Square, so he’s going to see that most of that change hasn’t been for the better. But at least he missed the Mayor Koch years. Shit, his former mayor is now just an airport.
Colin:
That’s a lot of Acuras in Times Square all of a sudden.
SHIELD mobilizes quick.
“At ease, soldier.”
Nice coat.
Colin:
Ever wake up from a coma and find a one-eyed black dude talking to you?
Are we talking like, this month, or…?
“Look, I’m sorry about that little show back there, but, we thought it best to break it to you slowly.”
“Break what?”
“You’ve been asleep, Cap. For almost 70 years.”
Why has no one made that video yet?
(IT STARTED HERE!)
Any explanation of how? Did they do it on purpose? Was he just in a coma for 70 years? Any sort of logic to it? I want to go along with this, I just – need some sort of explanation.
Colin:
Well, they only just now got him out of the ice. So he was comatose in the ice? And then they got him out and now he’s waking up.
“You gonna be okay?”
That’s balls. To ask him that now.
“Yeah. Yeah, I just – I had a date.”
Colin:
He had a date. Maybe she’s still alive. Old and wrinkly and still British.
Old and Wrinkly and Still British: The Dench Story.
And that’s the actual end of the movie!
Or… not.
Oh, no, these are credits. Okay, that was the end of the movie. Nice ending. Still no explanation, though, which kills it a little bit.
Colin:
I like the WWII-era propaganda poster ending of this better than I’ve liked all the other endings. They get extra points from me for making this a WWII thing, cause I love WWII stuff.
I also noticed that Stan Lee was demoted on the list of “Special Thanks,” probably because Joe Simon and Jack Kirby created the character.
And now for the end credits scene…
Oh, now you’re doing this bullshit for everyone.
Colin:
Pretty sure everyone’s going to return in The Avengers. Does he get a stipend in the meantime? Do they give him back pay for being frozen? Does he have a bank account that’s accrued interest?
“And Captain America will never be seen again!”
And there’s no end credits scene here, because they literally show you a scene from The Avengers.
So that saved us some time.
Colin:
Wait, this is just part of The Avengers. They didn’t even do something else? I guess at this point, what the hell, right?
Marvel: At This Point, What the Hell, Right?
– – – – – – – – – –
Tomorrow we go over our favorite images from the film.
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