Fun with Franchises: The Marvel Universe – Captain America: The First Avenger, Part V — “This Movie Is Like Tally Ho Christmas”
We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is Captain America: The First Avenger.
Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.
We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.
We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.
Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.
Right now, we’re doing the Marvel Universe, and today is the fifth and final part of Captain America: The First Avenger.
We begin Part V right at the start of the raid.
Why did we have to start with this shot and not the next one?
The ringwraiths chasing Liv Tyler.
Except no midget is frothing at the mouth.
Every franchise needs a frothing midget.
Does that mean he’s focused, and ready to get revenge for Bucky? Is that what that means?
Also home to frothing midgets.
And they were just waiting somewhere in the forest, I guess.
This IS an Indiana Jones movie. Nazi motorcycle chase!
There’s a really big technology jump because of this blue shit. And then all of this stuff is just sort of… forgotten about, after this.
How come the shield doesn’t look like that at the beginning?
Oh good, this bike has tricks.
What were the chances that he’d get two trees RIGHT next to the road? If the wire has to be removed from the bike in its entirety, wouldn’t you need a very precise road diameter to ensure that it was taut? Isn’t it strange that he happened to hit two trees at precisely the right moment that had the perfect diameter for this wire to be held taught between them? Never mind. Don’t think about things.
We’ve now crossed totally into comics from war movie. Which is a shame.
Why are we seeing this?
This is almost Wacky Races, too.
Seriously, did Stark make this? What the hell is this?
….I dunno, try areadenialweapons dot com?
That might have been Wilhelm.
That was a practical stunt, by the way. Surprised at them.
This is fucking Endor.
The force? This is really Endor.
We’re not told why this is happening, don’t see any of the other characters. Just… action. The forest setting is all right, but there’s not really a purpose to any of this, except, as we find out later, to be a distraction and get him in the front door.
They probably all just could have zip-lined in, since security didn’t seem to mind even after they caught him.
So that shield is gonna save that entire bike?
That shield doesn’t cover most of you, but whatever. I like that he rides a chunky motorcycle.
Really now. Does Hydra have other scientists that can retrofit already advanced vehicles and weapons with space technology?
Man, they suck at aiming.
Of course his bike has guns.
Your tank was just blown up by a guy on a motorcycle. Which, who do you think you are, Fiona Volpe? Now THERE’S a franchise reference.
Yeah… she was…
I’m trying to think of a nice way to say tits.
She also did have a Deborah Kerr look about her.
Why would you make your bunker a jump? Sorry, that’s a stupid question. Cause it’s fun as hell to jump your barricades into the base instead of driving in like an adult.
He should be dead right now.
That should have been a head shot.
He’s the best for tally hos.
Definitely in this franchise. I still think Depp was more spirited with his tally hos.
Stuck the landing!
For those keeping track, that’s a tally ho, off a bike, tackling a guy off of a tank, into a barrel roll, back up, and then he nails a guy in the face with the shield.
Shoot him now, asshole behind the truck!
So apparently that had explosives on it that weren’t triggered during all the previous shooting?
You guys SUCK.
Seriously. Go for the legs. Also, he’s been fighting them for a long time now. Doesn’t he have some of their weapons to use against them? They’re OBVIOUSLY better. You don’t have to continue using bullets on principle.
It’s Steve Rogers. Yes he does.
Yes, punch the shield. Smart move. That thing just took ANIHILATION.
By the way, YOU HAVE A GUN THAT OBLITERATES PEOPLE.
This is the moment where I stop and think, “Wait. How did they make a fucking Captain America movie? Well, actually, the WWII subject matter is cool…but they screwed that up. How did you make a WWII movie that I dislike?”
Oh, that guy’s my favorite. Flamethrower dudes are always my favorite.
Unless there’s a guy randomly throwing grenades. Then he’s my favorite.
People who didn’t like Skyfall…Javier Bardem lobbing grenades into a house while smiling. Is Exhibits A-Z.
How about you just roll out of the way?
Is this a video game? Do you have a gun? Shoot one of them in the face and leave.
Fire’s not on the ground.
Isn’t your suit flame retardant?
Maybe throw the shield at one of their heads? They’re shooting fire, they don’t have great blocking capabilities at the moment.
Seriously, you can run right now.
Y’all are surrounded.
Somehow they don’t want to kill him now?
I know the plan is to get caught, but their plan seems to be to bring you in alive.
I never get how that works. You try to kill him, but then you have him cornered, so you go, “Okay, let’s take him to the boss.” Just once I want to see them surround a guy and then one of the henchman just comes up and puts one in his head. Then goes, “Man, that guy was annoying.” And then they disperse.
THAT thwarted you? What a lousy superhero. But heroes always need to get captured for the plot to continue, so I guess we’ll have to allow it.
The only word he should say here is, “Okay.”
But he won’t say it, because reinforcements are coming.
Also, do you have a smoke bomb right now? Because you should.
Wait, what? Why didn’t the rest of them come with him?
I thought they’d capture him, then the guys come and save him. They’re actually taking him inside alone?
This must have been part of the plan.
Why can’t they have infiltrated Hydra? The guys all wear full body armor and you can’t see faces. This would be easier to infiltrate than a party at Chuck E. Cheese.
For that matter, how come evil organizations always have moles everywhere, but good guys never seem to get their dudes into the evil organizations? It’d be cool if Captain America was trying to be captured, right? Cause he’s supposed to be a brilliant tactician. So far, I’m not really feeling the tactical side of things.
Are they walking him down the aisle? What’s that about?
“Arrogance may not be a uniquely American trait, but I must say, you do it better than anyone.”
Arrogance isn’t uniquely American. And besides, we’re not arrogant. We’re just that good.
“But there are limits to what even you can do.”
Apparently not. Since that last vial hasn’t even been mentioned once.
“Or did Erskine tell you otherwise?”
Erskine didn’t tell him shit. Erskine died before he could do anything.
“He told me you were insane.”
Didn’t need to tell you that. You can figure that out by your damn self.
Not quite “Hmm,” but I’ll take it.
“OH DID HE? WELL, WOULD AN INSANE PERSON DO THIS?!” *whips out dick, masturbates furiously*
“He resented my genius and tried to deny me what was rightfully mine, but he gave you everything. What made you so special?”
Notice how nobody’s been properly hit by a car in this movie yet. Cause pro tip: if your script isn’t working out, you’ve always got characters getting hit by vehicles up your sleeve.
“I’m just a kid from Brooklyn.”
Man, it must have been really tricky trying to explain to him how Brooklyn went from white to non-white, then back to white.
Look at that guy holding the shield in the back like it’s a purse.
That’s a “you disgust me” face.
“I can do this all day.”
“Of course you can. But unfortunately…”
“I am on a tight shedule.”
Why was he captured and brought before Red Skull if they weren’t going to talk and he was only going to shoot him anyway?
Bout fucking time.
See, nobody knows when to kill their problems. THIS MOMENT. This is the moment I’m always bitching about. How hard is it to shoot him in the head and THEN look at what’s going on out the window? Don’t hesitate. Comic books are based on hesitation and that’s why I hate them. If anyone actually followed through with their executions, comics would run out of characters in like 4 issues.
Now you zip line? Not gonna try anything new?
They set up this zip line right outside his office. Did no one notice that? How’d you get away with that? Why didn’t you all just do this to start with? I bet he doesn’t have guys with guns inside his office. What was the purpose of the motorcycling? To open the door for everyone else? Because they could have done that on their own.
“So am I.”
Why are you on a shedule?
Sure it did.
How about you shoot them now?
You look like you’re about to fall off that desk.
So those are explosives back there.
Video game. Shoot your way through the base and chase after Red Skull, who is always one step ahead of you and stops at opportune moments to say some dialogue.
Of course this happens. Everyone knows this is happening. I hate this part of every movie that it happens in. Hero’s about to die, help arrives, bad guy hesitates, then retreats to the final showdown. This shit is cookie cutter.
He wears a bowler hat and uses at shotgun. How can you not love him?
Still have no idea what his name is, though.
Dum Dum Dugan. Which makes me like him slightly less.
Hey look, the finished painting.
That painter’s gotta be at the bottom of that mountain somewhere.
Great how he just leaves them to fend off the dudes who can obliterate them with one hit.
“We’re in! Assault team, go!”
Look at that guy’s face. It’s a mixture of defeatist fireman in The Blob mixed with Francis from Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure.
Oh, and she’s there. Because why not put her in harm’s way? I guess “agent” allows her to just operate with army guys.
She’s moving in with them? Cause I guess she needs to be just about everywhere, even though we still have no idea what she actually does or who she’s supposed to be. They dropped her into this scrip, showed her punching a guy and since then we just accept her being around because she’s the love interest.
It’s amazing how much a lot of modern movies suck when you take a minute to ask, “What’s this character’s purpose in the movie?”
And to be honest, outside of Steve, Bucky, Erskine, Red Skull, and maybe Toby Jones… I got nothing for everyone else. Just… to be there. Say things. Be entertaining and take up screen time. She’s just kind of there as the love interest. So I guess I can accept it on that level. Outside of that, no real purpose.
Are there no more guys on bikes? What happened to all the guys with the flamethrowers?
Why aren’t they all picking up Hydra weapons from the dead guys as they go? They’re still using conventional bullets in this setting?
Haven’t said anything until now, but this is the same coloring the first Twilight movie had.
I woke up like this.
The Italian guy looks like Eli Wallach playing the accordion.
What did I say?
Nice. She has a gun. Cool, cool.
They should riddle this guy with bullets, Caan style.
Look at those ramps! Why wasn’t more made of those ramps?
And that guy became the fetus in 2001: A Space Odyssey.
That guy in the center is running like when you’re just figuring out the controls. L2 is that strafe move, and you’re trying to tell him to sprint. And he keeps jumping sideways like a moron.
Amazing they’re losing to guys with regular guns.
I like that he has a luger with the blue shit. Not a big gun. A luger.
Oh, there’s the big gun.
Red Skull has a better gun, or aims better or whatever. You know, he’s the boss, so these guys don’t matter. These movies have gotten to the level of Red Cliff, where there are a few bosses who handle each other while the minions basically stand around or create random chaos. Your numbers mean nothing.
He just stood there and let himself get shot.
“Let’s go find two more.”
Tommy Lee Jones has a shotgun. There’s another movie.
HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN II
Oh look, another flamethrower guy.
You have no game at all, my friend.
“What are you about to, uhh –”
They were gonna kiss, but not really cause why do we care, exactly? I don’t like anything about her except that her hair ISN’T red.
That was an interesting moment. He stepped up to kiss her, and she gets nervous like, “Are you about to kiss me? Because I don’t know if I can handle this. I just shot some guys, I got dirt all over me, I didn’t exactly put my hair up the right way for this. I thought it was just gonna be killing, and here we are, about to have a moment,” and he reads that as, “Oh, right, she’s telling me I should go get that guy I was chasing,” and runs off.
You two probably don’t deserve to fuck.
That could be Bucky in the next movie and you’d never know.
Also, points for the flaming corpse behind her.
How did you get there before Rogers did?
(Also, Star Wars. Millennium Falcon.)
Does that thing give off an unlimited amount of blue shit?
Can one person fly this thing? Is that the whole Tesseract controlling it? For that matter, do those Hydra weapons have batteries or something? How many shots before they require recharging?
I love this map mechanism in the plane, even though it makes no sense. It’s totally Bond’s DB5, but it looks too digital. I love the idea of it being a map overlay inside the mechanism and that it’s just scrolling across that.
Love the sepia screens.
Wait, so it has propellers AND afterburners? That…doesn’t make any sense at all. The props would be drag on that plane after it hits like 500 miles per hour, which is the point where afterburners make sense. And how come the afterburners are orange if this thing is powered by the Tesseract?
I like this suit better than his later one.
I like this shot in theory. All these guys fighting all over the hangar and he’s gotta get across them.
Jumping punch. Goddamn.
And is no one thinking they should take this guy out? Of all the guys?
So many tally hos.
His face here, though.
Well that was an obstacle overcome stupidly.
Maybe turn around and shoot at him now.
Oh, both of them.
Tommy Lee Jones has the crazy car and what’s her face is already sitting in the back. She knows her place in this movie. But isn’t this runway a little long? There’s no way they’re catching up at this point. And who made this runway? This would have cost several fortunes to make, plus YEARS. I can’t see how Hitler paid for or even condoned this at all.
Where was this car parked?
The lesson here is, even evil wears a seatbelt.
Sure that’s what you’re watching. Sure it is.
That doesn’t sound like a supercharger at all. That sounds like the dragster engine. I’m sad.
GoldenEye started this way.
That’s that fine German engineering.
Seriously good. Like, I’m really glad Germany was able to salvage a positive tradition from all the bad stuff they did. The war was bad, but German cars are SWEET.
A red button named K. Interesting choice.
Kompressor. The German word for supercharger. In case people were confused.
Yup, has nothing to do with the other red button in a Tommy Lee Jones movie or his character’s name from that movie.
Deux ex Men in Black.
This is going to be a “Go get ‘em” moment, isn’t it?
So we forgot about Pvt. Natalie Dormer?
“Go get him.”
“I’m not kissin’ ya.”
This is a really low hangar and a really long runway. The point of a flying wing is that it generates a fuck ton of lift and takes off at low speeds, even when fully loaded. The idea that this thing is going super fast and not lifting off before reaching the end of the runway where the opening is makes no sense at all. He’d have to be forward on the stick to keep the thing from taking off.
I hope this was a makeup job on him, because it looks mostly realistic.
Is it me, or did it seem like there was a lot less room for that plane to take off in the hangar shots?
From back there, it looked like there was a mountain right in front of this strip to conceal it. That’s like, wide open space now.
The two COs almost just went off a cliff.
Who’d have been in charge then? The Asian?
I would so keep that car.
Pop a hole in the tires.
LOOK AT ALL THESE TALLY HOS THIS IS LIKE TALLY HO CHRISTMAS
That might be a subtitle on the film. It is rather like tally ho Christmas.
Are those all flying bombs? Like, someone’s going to pilot them to their destination and blow up? Hydra has suicide bombers?
Hydra seems to have whatever it wants.
Reaction shots are the key to doomsday.
So how did that work? They were told he was down here but nothing else? Was he just hanging up there until they came down?
You can’t shiv Captain America!
Didn’t Stark say it could take most bayonets?
JESUS, that was a throw with the knife, eh? Good for you, having a body count. Even if they are faceless fake Nazis.
This guy at least has his priorities straight. Fuck the fight, Imma go destroy Chicago.
“I wonder what this button does.”
Get the fuck out of here.
Sure, just throw a guy out of the plane.
Why does it take so much longer for him to defeat these guys than it usually does? He should just defeat them all and dump all the bombs right now. That ends the plan right there, does it not?
Tally Ho New Years.
All of this is death, by the way. You’re not surviving this little trip on the wing of a flying bomb.
Sure, try to shake him off. It’s not like you have a city to destroy.
So much for your tight shedule.
I’m okay with this.
Okay, this movie is MAJORLY Indiana Jones. You’ve got Nazis and artifacts and a flying wing and a motorcycle chase…this is a better Indiana Jones movie than Crystal Skull was.
So an automatic cockpit that opens in flight? Right. And the turrets on this plane are automatic and shoot lasers? Right. I hate steam punk so much.
What is it with Captain America and red levers?
That has to have a parachute. We just don’t see it. So because he’s a bad guy, it’s okay to assume he falls to a horrible death.
And now he’s just gonna fly it back where he was, because that’s how we get the action to continue. And because he somehow knows exactly where it is and which direction it went.
Well, it wasn’t super long and there are contrails and it’s huge.
Oh, it’s conveniently still right in front of him. How nice.
Won’t the explosion of that thing, which is big enough to take out New York, destroy your plane at that close a distance?
Why did you circle around the front just to get behind it again? I’m confused.
Fly, yes. Land? Apparently not.
Shouldn’t that explode right now?
We’re gonna run into this problem three movies from now.
No? Well fuck me for thinking physics worked.
Right where I left you.
“I got my helmet shield back!”
Why so tentatively? Bust the fuck in. He knows you’re here.
Are all the other Hydra guys dead?
Shouldn’t they have gotten on their planes and flew out to destroy those other cities by now?
Have we abandoned all logic?
I know he’s not in the swivel chair, but he should turn around in it.
(Also, complete Star Wars.)
If you’re sneaking into the cockpit area, there’s a pretty good chance that someone will be in there waiting to shoot you.”
I’m guessing the idea was to put all of Hydra on this plane, take down all the world capitals and just hang out on here until shit cooled down and swoop in and takeover.
Not the worst plan in the world, as far as nuclear annihilation plots got.
He must have known Cap would make it this far. Because if he died in the ensuing landing, Red Skull would just be hiding in the shadows of this bridge like a moron.
Why do these weapons have to make a warning noise? If it was a regular gun, he’d have been able to just shoot him.
How about you aim for his legs and not for the shield?
And now the cabin should be depressurizing, unless it was already unpressurized, in which case it should be cold as all fuck.
“You don’t give up, do you?”
That’s a dumb line.
Look how high the waist on those pants are.
I like this this comes down to a fistfight. I’m okay with that. Because why not? I’d rather fists than alien technology.
Though it’s hard to capture a fistfight.
Yes, lens flares, we get it.
They could have done a nice silhouette shot here if they cared.
Out of context images.
I’ve actually lost track of what’s happening right now.
Wait, what? Were they in space?
No? They’re just high up enough that you can see the curvature of the Earth. If they’d been in space, there’d be a massive depressurization.
So hey, not to be a nag or anything, but your plane is going down.
Actually, that’s pretty cool, cause they can be weightless and stuff. Weightless fighting is interesting at least. I wanna ride the Vomit Comet myself.
I’ve ridden it before. (Bachelorette party aftermath.) You get used to it.
He’s wearing the bad guy jumpsuit. Cate Blanchett wore one of those in Crystal Skull.
Weird how there’s no air force around here.
Wow, good thing autopilot was in both German and English so we knew what it was.
You have the autopilot off! You can turn it around and get Stark on the line! Why the hell does this have to be a sacrifice if you can control the plane and turn it around?!
This looks like an early 90s music video.
Holy shit, the gun makes it better.
“You could have the power of the gods.”
“Yet you wear a flag on your chest and think you fight a battle of nations.”
He sounds like Willem Dafoe here.
Nice barrel roll.
“I have seen the future, Captain.”
Like Irina Spalko?
“There are no flags.”
No flags in the future? I could almost be interested in this if his intention was to end the world wars by uniting the people of Earth under him. It wouldn’t be totally evil, just horribly misguided. Of course, they ended up using that for Loki’s motivations in The Avengers instead.
“Not my future!”
That’s all it took? I feel like you guys hit that thing a few times already.
What just happened? I’m confused. Is it going to open a wormhole or something? How are they able to get the Tesseract to power random shit they want? Could there be a Tesseract microwave that would cook my lasagna evenly?
Remember when a little bit of this stuff almost blew up Stark?
Sure, just grab the infinite source of power. That’ll end well.
Nice lighting on his CGI face.
Cool, cool. No idea what’s happening, but cool.
No words being spoken at all.
I like the red white and blue.
This is a pretty shitty ending.