Fun with Franchises: The Marvel Universe – The Avengers (2012), Part II — “Take Your Time, I’m Here All Week”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is The Avengers.

Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.

We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.

We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.

Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.

Right now, we’re doing the Marvel Universe, and today is the second part of The Avengers.

The Avengers - Title Card

We begin Part II with yet another riveting Marvel shot.

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Maybe it’s just me, but I look at this and go, “This is so fake.” You can smell the digital, and the color correction. It doesn’t even look like a comic book. This could seriously be Tintin and you’d never know.

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We REALLY don’t have this aircraft. These movies treat military tech like it ain’t shit. This isn’t WWII. We don’t get new planes every six months, and they don’t just get randomly more futuristic. The new vertical takeoff and landing aircraft we have now, the V-22, entered service in 2007. It was the product of an order placed in 1981, which became a contract in 1983 and produced a first flight in 1989. And then it was so complex, it took them 18 years to sort things out before it entered service. So I see stuff like this think, jeez, you guys ARE living in a fantasy world. You think new tech gets rolled out that fast?

I feel like this is the one genre where they’re able to do that. Since we’re dealing with a Norse God part of the time. You can just make up planes and stuff that look cool.

Not to mention — we’re about to land this thing on the most insane piece of air tech they’ve come up with.

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Looking at this thing. There’s no way these pilots have to do anything with stuff this advanced.


Why did he have to be at the radar thing to start? And if he’s at that console, why does the pilot tell him they’re about 40 minutes from home base? For that matter, why was that line necessary at all? We’ll see where they’re going in a minute. This franchise is littered with these lines. That doesn’t further plot.

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“So this Dr. Banner was trying to replicate the serum they used on me?”

That much later?

“A lot of people were.”

Is that us glossing over the entire Hulk movie?

That seems a lot like retcon.

“You were the world’s first superhero.”

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They thought gamma radiation would unlock the key to Erskine’s original formula.

“Didn’t really go his way, did it?”

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“Not so much.”

Well, he could have died.

Also, it kinda worked. Maybe they should have kept going on that research. Since he did get big and muscly.

“When he’s not that thing, though, guy’s like a Stephen Hawking.”

A vegetable?

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“He’s like a – smart person.”


This is getting back to why I was pissed. Stephen Hawking references? Oh, right, he doesn’t know cause he was frozen. You’re in Austin Powers territory. He could have been such a better character, but they’re lowballing in these easy lines to simply remind you that he doesn’t get references.

Also what shows and bad movies tend to do with foreign characters for laughs. This setup is sloppy, because the best they can do is tell us a little bit about the other characters we already know by introducing them to one another little by little.

Here we are almost half an hour in, and we’re past the point of introducing the characters – we’re just adding redundant layers to that by telling characters about each other. They wasted this step by making their reactions to each other bland and devoid of real ideological conflict or identification. Rogers only says that the experiment “didn’t really work out” for Banner. Great contribution to the conversation, Steve.

At this point, there need to be reservations about how other characters do things and general mistrust about the team. In that way, I approve of the Stark-Rogers conflict, even if it could have been better. Sorry, back to the boring scene.

I agree with you there. There really should have been a better way to get them together. Plus, when you think about it — the entire Hulk team is really just three people. Ain’t no one meeting Thor formally. Black Widow manages to meet everyone by virtue of being the only woman. Hawkeye, nobody cares about. Plus he’s mind controlled. So it’s really just Stark, Rogers, and Banner.

The real purpose of this is to have the Cap jokes and set up for the Coulson demise. The idea being that he’s the one bringing them together. Which we’ll see in a second. Maybe the idea is to continue to tease the nerds with people meeting each other still. Like, “Oh my god, Captain America’s talking about the Hulk! Maybe they’re gonna do that one arc in the comics from 1985!”

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Captain America has never seen an iPad before. Why is he just going along with all this new technology? Has he really been around long enough to have seen this stuff and become jaded about it?


I feel like he’s probably got the same mindset that my dad does, which is that his tech experience stopped at a certain time, and he’s just disinterested in everything. You could show my dad an app that cures cancer, and he’d still be like, “Yeah, I don’t really want to carry a phone around with me.”

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“I gotta say – it’s an honor to meet you. Officially. I sort of met you. I mean, I watched you. While you were sleeping.”

*zip* Go on…

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I appreciate that he doesn’t have many lines in this scene.

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“I mean, I was present. While you were unconscious. From the ice.”



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“You know, it’s really, just a huge honor to have you on board.”

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“Well, I hope I’m the man for the job.”

He just told you there was a team. Are you trying to take this shit over yourself? This feels like a Rogers line.

“Oh you are. Absolutely.”

He sounds like he’s trying to hook up with him in a bar.

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“We made some modifications to the uniform. I had a little input.”

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“The uniform? Aren’t the stars and stripes a little – old-fashioned?”

“Everything that’s happening, the things that are about to come to light, people might just need a little old-fashioned.”


See? They HAVE that element! They want him to represent the core values and everything, but he only wears the uniform and complains that Stark doesn’t follow orders, which then proves to have been smart. I really don’t care about most of the other characters, but Rogers could have been much better.

It’s actually pretty dumb logic. Any real military would have no doubt equipped him with the best new stuff they have. There’s no way they’d have stopped and said, “Let’s put him in the old costume.” That’s just stupid. I know it’s for the Plot, but maybe don’t mention it at all and we’d have just gone with it because that’s his uniform.

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What’s this hideout? New digs? I want an underground hideout. All of you know this.

Why is the floor all slick?

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Is it weird that I saw this and immediately thought of a shot from The Hunchback of Notre Dame?

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Soldiers walking around randomly and people in lab coats. They’re trying to make it look like this is a hive of activity, so even the people with guns are walking around like they have places to be. Which, no. You stand at the door and shoot intruders.

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I like that people have labs everywhere.

Especially if there’s sand on the ground.

You know what this is missing, though?

A Q.

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Do we ever figure out where this is? Are they just in New Mexico still? Because that would be so dumb. Of them to steal something and then be hiding like four miles away.

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People under mind control don’t really change their clothes. Was Doug Funnie under mind control? Isn’t it weird that he’s my go-to for people who always dress the same, even though every cartoon character does? Probably because I remember seeing his closet full of the same outfit.

Remember the episode when a famous person in a popular magazine has Doug’s exact outfit and everyone starts wearing it? And Doug gets pissed because it was always his outfit that people called boring and stuff. So after nobody believes that he’d always worn that, he tries on a bunch of other clothes, including a “rap outfit” featuring a gold medallion that just says, “RAP.”

Seriously, folks, if you want to make my day, get me a gold medallion that says RAP. I also want a Honker Burger.

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Is this what you do when you’ve got people? Just kind of hang out there?

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So you can just do that?


Is he remembering this, or his he projecting himself? I’m always confused about how this works. Though I guess I’m okay with them not explaining and just getting on with business. I also like how this looks like a cheapo soundstage set.

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You look like a reject from a Power Rangers spinoff.

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“The Chitauri grow restless.”

“Let them guard themselves. I will lead them in a glorious battle.”

The only reason they grow restless is because they have no ability to do anything themselves. They’re just chilling in space. Just hive-minding it up.

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“Battle? Against the meager might of Earth?”

“Glorious, not lengthy. If your force is as formidable as you claim.”

This is a weird conversation. Because this guy can’t understand why Loki would do all of this just to take over Earth, but is probably thinking, “Well shit, we got off cheap with this one.” Meanwhile Thanos is just sitting there and letting this lackey do all the talking. And we’re on this space rock. No one’s really asking each other’s motivations. Plus it’s a villain scene, which makes it pretty boring to begin with.

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“You question us?”

Yeah. Because you live on rocks.

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“You question him? He who put the scepter in your hand.”

Christian Slater?

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“Bitch, please. I’m Loki.”

“Who gave you ancient knowledge. A new purpose. When you were cast out.”

So Thanos was watching Thor happen and went, “You know, I could use him…”? So he does just sit there and actually not do shit. “Get me my infinity stones.” And people get them for him. And then he destroys everything. Is that the idea?

Also, “ancient knowledge.” It’s a fucking stone. Is this what’s to explain the change in behavior from Loki?

Also — cast out — not quite what happened there, but sure.

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“I was a king! The rightful king of Asgard. Betrayed.”

“Your ambition is little. Full of childish need.”

That must hurt. To be told your ambition is little.

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“We look beyond the Earth. To greater worlds. The Tesseract will avail.”

This dialogue is shitty.

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“You don’t have the Tesseract yet.”

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Don’t walk around another dude while you’re talking in low tones.

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Put your gross hand away.

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Well you don’t. Why you don’t, I can’t say. You seem to have all the abilities to get it, but for some reason, you’re having this guy go get it for you. I’m not really sure why this plan made sense to you in the first place. It’s not like it matters if you get your hands dirty. What’s Earth gonna do if you go down there, steal it, and fly into space? The only real person that could come after you is Thor. And what the fuck has he been doing this entire time?

“I don’t threaten.”


Did he just Squid and the Whale Loki’s face with his gross hand?

That’s the only Squid and the Whale reference I allow on this blog.

(P.S. … son of a bitch.)

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Nice teeth.

And then Loki says until he puts his money where his mouth is, he ain’t shit.

“You will have your war, Asgardian.”

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“If you fail. If the Tesseract is kept from us. There will be no realm, no barren moon, no crevice where we can’t find you.”

Well that sure as shit is gonna be put to the test, won’t it?

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“You think you know pain? You will receive something sweet as pain.”

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Okay, so we’ve returned to the plane we were in like one minute ago, which requires an approach shot. There has to be an approach shot, because otherwise, how would we know where we were? There are physical approach shots, and there is approach dialogue.

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Meanwhile, at Top Gun…


Two flight decks on a single carrier. Yeah. Let’s talk about that. Let’s talk about how this thing would cost upwards of $20 billion before we even talk about the hover capability. 

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I hate how fake this all looks.

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So… how does the government feel about this? Aware? Not aware? SHIELD actually seems to be a lot like HYDRA, just with our government.

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There’s always one asshole running across frame.

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“Agent Romanov, Captain Rogers.”



“Hi. They need you on the bridge, they’re starting the face trace.”

Hi, how are you doing? Coulson, let’s go.

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They can bang. They might not bang. But they can if the plot dictates. That’s how that was set up.

Shots are important.

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“There was quite the buzz around here, finding you in the ice.”

Wait, they found him in the ice 70 years later? How did you not notice the giant fucking ship sticking out of there in 1945?

Wait, no, no, no — Stark found him, they said. And Stark died in like, the 80s, right? So why was there a buzz around… I’m – not even gonna bother. Let’s just move on.


No, Stark didn’t find him. Stark found the cube. Russian oil dudes found him. And it was right before the events of the rest of the movies.

Oh, right. I’m getting confused with all the bullshit.

“I thought Coulson was gonna swoon.”

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“Did he ask you to sign his Captain America trading cards yet?”

“Trading cards?”

“They’re vintage.”

He’s a suitor!

“He’s very proud.”


She sends Coulson away so she can be condescending and snarky.

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He looks so out of his element it’s mind boggling. Find a corner and chill there. Piss over the side. Stuff like that.

That’s why I buy Norton more as the Hulk. I’m one of the few who doesn’t prefer Ruffalo.


I honestly can’t say I prefer Norton necessarily because the movie was such crap. I don’t know if I’d actually prefer him here.

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“Dr. Banner.”

“Ah, yes. They told me you’d be coming.”

Yeah, they told everyone this. Skip the useless dialogue.

“Word is you can find the cube.”

“Is that the only word on me?”

“Only word I care about.”

Nice, easy way to set up their relationship.


Oh Steve. Your voice and your firm handshake reassure me that there is no avarice in you.

I also find it suspect that he does not, at least a little bit, care about the word that this guy can also potentially turn into a giant green monster that destroys things. Even if it doesn’t concern you, I’d at least be intrigued by that.

Kinda the way Stark is.

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“This must be kinda strange for you. All this.”

“This is actually kinda familiar.”

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“Gentlemen, you may want to step inside in a minute. It’s gonna get a little hard to breathe.”


The whole flying carrier thing…I hate it, but whatever. People will no doubt berate me for not being open-minded, or for raining on the parade. Whatever. But it’s a giant, flying gimmick. Make your movie without this. You could.

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“Is this a submarine?”


A submarine? Are you stupid? What about the planes? Those don’t go underwater while on the deck. But more submarine movies. Seriously, that helicopter accident earlier – still holding out for the next Jack Ryan.

“Really? They want me in a submerged, pressurized metal container?”

I feel like we had this exact line in the Norton version.


New York subway. Same line.

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Look at their dumb faces.

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This movie positions her more with Rogers, but then she ends up with Banner. Kind of. Whatever the fuck that is. I know Renner caught slack for calling her a slut in the interview, but — that’s kinda the character.

Also, 42 SHIELD. Was that a Captain America reference?


No. They’re all SHIELD planes. Also, isn’t the idea that Banner can’t fuck? 

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Yeah, I’m sure them standing there is safe.

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It’s supposed to be hard to breathe, and they’re looking down at the propeller. Just a note, if these propellers are powerful enough to lift a carrier of that size, they’re easily powerful enough to suck you in from the edge. I’m not going to get into the actual math, but that carrier is much larger than the newest Gerald Ford class carriers, which weigh 100,000 long tons. That’s about 100 million kilos, or about 220 million pounds. So, like 12 Eiffel Towers. Anyway, I’m not getting into the real math, cause Wired already did. It would have been more plausible if it was arc reactor technology. Deus ex Stark. But this is still a deus ex machina.

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“Oh, no, this is much worse.”

Why is this much worse?

Are you afraid of flying? I feel like the pressurized tube is much worse, because there, more people are potentially in danger.

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Why are you putting masks on? Are you gonna be able to withstand the wind speeds up there without flying off?

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The military puts numbers on things.

Why is that 64? Were there 63 other Helicarriers? Is this commemorating the first attempted helicarrier that Stark made in 1964? I bet that’s just the year Joss Whedon was born, and that’s why it’s there.

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I do want to take a moment to educate. The Attic comedic poet, Antiphanes, spoke on the topic of miracle plot devices like this: “When they don’t know what to say, and have completely given up on the play, just like a finger they lift the machine, and the spectators are satisfied.” I only mention this particular quote because Marvel has quite literally lifted the machine, and the spectators, sadly, were surely satisfied.

Also – this.

That doesn’t mean a whole lot to Colin, but a few people who saw that just went, “Aww yeah.”

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So where’s Thor?

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Why do you keep looking back? Do you think they won’t be behind you? Do you think they’re incapable of following you? Or do you just want to make eyes at them in case the writers need to make you fuck them in the future to further along their story or give the both of you screen time?

Take your time. I’m here all week.

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Why is Banner skulking around like Peter Lorre?


They’re wearing skirts! The women have SKIRTS! What the fuck is this? This isn’t a battle uniform if you’re wearing a skirt. Seriously. Someone answer to these uniforms because they are wrong.

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All of these people are operating at the same time. Many of them are talking. Who are they talking to? Each other? Other people? Or are we just seeing a lot of people work at once just to add to the sense of scale?

Take your time. I’m here all week.


Just like Loki’s base where Stellan’s doing stuff. People walking around and talking loudly to nobody in particular. Control rooms are all the same. It’s so much more interesting when you set it up like Dr. No, where everyone’s standing on a catwalk in front of one control, and you have one guy yelling orders to individuals.

This is just a flying headquarters, right? This doesn’t require all those people to fly. I can buy that these people are just doing their jobs in the air. I can’t buy that they need to be here to make this work. I kinda like the idea of having an office that’s constantly in the air.

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They walk onto the bridge, and all of a sudden it looks like Starfleet. What’s with the super-futuristic bridge with the high ceilings? That’s not a great use of space. And why are they all wearing these dumb uniforms? I get that you’re not in the US Navy, but this is way too over the top.

I want someone to answer for these uniforms. They’re not battle uniforms, and they’re not civilian uniforms. So far, we’ve seen agents in suits and paramilitary in fatigues. So what’s with this? Why are they all skinny (Hollywood.)?

What are all of these people doing? Why are the walkways raised over the working area? How do you get to your computer? Do you just fall over the edge of the walkway whenever it’s time to turn a little bit?

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What is going on right now with him? And why are these guards positioned right there and staring straight ahead?

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Cobie Smulders is the 30-year-old deputy director of a world-beating clandestine organization but gets no character development or real role in the movie because they obviously needed a third woman involved in this sausage fest. More like a summer cockbuster, am I right?

But yeah, look at her in this movie and then check her out on the red carpet. I just looked her up, and the pictures make it look like she’s as big in this movie as Scarlett. See what happens when you construct a universe based on a series of comics written by nerds that predates the Voting Rights Act?

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“SHIELD Emergency Protocol 193.6 in effect.”

Yeah, because everyone knows exactly what that is.

Not a single person is gonna be like, “Aww, MAN! I was operating as if 193.5 was in effect!”

But Stark wasn’t WITH a hooker today!

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“Let’s vanish.”


Seriously, every one of his lines should have the word motherfucker in it somewhere.

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Why does all this stuff have a bluish hue to it?

Take your time. I’m here all week.

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Why did we need to make that invisible? Just cause we could? Gonna be doing a whole lot of flying over large cities at low altitudes? And even so, do you need to hide? Are you really in danger of being shot down? Don’t you run shit?

Take your time. I’m here all week.


So, I have an apology to make. I got mad at Die Another Day for what it did. But then there’s this. There’s this crap. You made it fly, and then you made it INVISIBLE? WHY? WHAT PURPOSE DOES THIS SERVE? What’s lost in keeping it a mere VISIBLE flying, twin-flight decked aircraft carrier? If you’re not Harry Potter, Bilbo Baggins, or Old Lodge Skins, you have no business being invisible in your movie.

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Where did you get money from? Do you work for SHIELD? Are you still enlisted? Do they give you a stipend? Are your bank accounts still open? Or were they… frozen?

Take your time, I’m here all week.

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Everybody wants to bang Captain America.

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“Doctor, thank you for coming.”

“Thanks for asking nicely.”


It’s okay, Banner. You can shake the black man’s hand. It doesn’t rub off. You racist.

“Once we get our hands on the Tesseract, you’re in the clear.”

So, just for this movie. And then whenever we decide we want you to pop back up again. Pretty much whatever that contract says, with the extremely low salary and millions of NDAs.

“Where are you with that?”

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“We’re sweeping every wirelessly accessible camera on the planet.”

What about the non-wirelessly accessible ones? Why not just look for extreme energy levels underground? That seems like a good place to start. Why not use this giant fucking ship that can travel large distances at incredibly high speeds and look for a heat signature?

Take your time. I’m here all week.


See how everyone is constantly walking? Half the people in the background of every shot are walking. It makes me insane. There are those people on the computers looking at pictures of people we know, cause….stalking, I guess? Somehow, looking at their pictures on the screen advances our standing on whatever goal we’re after.

And the rest of the people are walking around briskly in the background because they have nothing to do and we need the illusion of activity to make this charade look at all legitimate to an audience.

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“It’s still not gonna find them in time.”

In time for what? Butt stuff?

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“Narrow your field. How many spectrometers do you have access to?”

Wait… is that the first time someone actually listened to my advice and used logic in a franchise?

Also – “How many spectrometers do you have access to?” Is there a number for that? Is that something he actually has an answer to?

“Oh, well, when you put it that way…”

Did no one really think of this decision before?

Actually, I’m more hung up on that second question. Why the fuck would they have access to spectrometers, and why is that something you’d assume he’d know off-hand?

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“How many are there?”

That’s… not an answer.

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“Call every lab you know.”

What about the ones you don’t know? I’m sure labs are nice people.

“Tell them to put the spectrometers on the roof and calibrate them for gamma rays.”

Why did no one think of this sooner?

I mean, really. You said this thing gives off gamma rays. You got this guy because he knows gamma radiation. Why did you even bother looking for cameras? You use the cameras for Barton and Selvig.

All these people talking on headseats and you needed him for that?


He explains a bunch of crap we don’t need to hear so we can have a few more shots of people walking around and other people looking at photos of Jeremy Renner on SHIELDster or whatever their social network is called. If they cut out all these useless moments, this movie would have ramped up a lot faster and we’d be done in under two hours.

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And he just nods.

I like to think that was him acknowledging that the script required him to sound smart at the sake of all of these people looking stupid, including him.

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“You have somewhere for me to work?”

Nah. A ship this size? Full up. Didn’t you know? This is Gentleman’s Agreement. No Jews here.

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“Agent Romanov, will you show Doctor Banner to his laboratory, please?”

“You’re gonna love it, Doc, we got all the toys.”

What kinda toys? Hulk only use the finest sex toys.

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So while they’re under Loki’s control – which, again, wasn’t he already being controlled by Loki? Did we just forget about that? Why’d he double control him? – do they shower and clean themselves, or do they only do what he tells them to do? I say this because he’s looking a little scruffy here. Or is it that they’re autonomous except that they work for him and what he says overrides what they want to do?

I’m never really sure how mind control works in movies. Because it always seems like people take the evilness and run with it. Kind of like Barton did before. “Oh, well this place is wired to blow and he’s just stalling.” At least lay some ground rules for how this works. It seems like you just needed people to do Loki’s dirty work for him, and since we know these people, it was easier to make them evil than to introduce a couple of faceless people we’d need to get rid of later.

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“Where did you find all these people?”

“SHIELD has no shortage of enemies, doctor.”

So you’re working with people you’ve put away? And they didn’t shoot you on the spot?


Why does SHIELD have that many enemies? Do they know why they’re helping Loki? You know, a lot of shit gets overexplained unnecessarily in this movie, and other stuff is glossed over so fast you’re left there with your mouth open. So what, they’re terrorists or something who get contacted by Jeremy Renner who tells them what? That he’s no longer with SHIELD and wants them to help him and Loki take them down? Is there money involved? Are they being promised a piece of the world domination?

Take your time, we’re here all week.


I would expect any halfway decent terrorist organizations to be suspicious of an operative from their mortal enemy organization who approaches them about collaboration. Sounds like orc mischief a classic ruse, doesn’t it? The whole enemy-of-my-enemy thing doesn’t work as a blanket statement; you need to have something for them to gain from this other than SHIELD’s demise, which doesn’t seem like enough for them to drop everything and start taking orders from a space rando and Bard the Bowman.

So after they’ve already given themselves the cheap out, using mind control to take Renner and Stellan, they decide to NOT use it to explain why they have flunkies! Renner could have just turned around and said, “What do you mean, ‘where’d we find all these people?’ Did you not see the guy who mind controlled us? He did it some more, get past it.”

If there’s anything I hate more than convenient outs in a script, it’s introducing a convenient out and then failing to use it to plug your stupid lapses in logic. Commit to your bullshit or leave it out.

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“This the stuff you need?”


Was that a product placement? What was that tablet thing? And it SAYS “IRIDIUM” on it. Look closely at that image. In fact, you don’t even need to look closely. It looks like a goddamn Speak and Spell for chemists.

Does Renner know who all the doctors are with access to the good shit?

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“Yeah, Iridium. It’s found in meteorites. It forms antiprotons.”

Thanks for the exposition!

“It’s very hard to get a hold of.”

This scene is awful. Why is this here? Why are either of you in this movie?

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“Especially if SHIELD knows you need it.”

You serve no purpose in this movie whatsoever, and I have no idea why they even put you on the team.

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“Well I didn’t know.”

This conversation is interesting because neither of them have free will right now.

And for no other reason whatsoever.

Also, he’s holding a power strip. Maybe SHIELD should have invested in more surge protectors. Perhaps that building would still be standing.

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“Hey! The Tesseract has shown me so much.”


“AYYY!” Stellan doing his best mind-controlled Fonzie.

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“It’s more than knowledge. It’s truth.”



Knowledge and truth? That’s dangerously close to Dexter Jettster from Attack of the Clones, when he said the analysis droids were dumb and that a Jedi should know the difference between knowledge and wisdom. And then Obi Wan has that great line about how if droids could think, none of them would be alive. Basically Leo’s question from Django Unchained about why the slaves didn’t rise up. Wait a minute…all three of those movies had samuel l jackson does he hold the key to knowledge and truth and wisdom whos making toast can i have some

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“I know. What did it show you, Agent Barton?”

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“My next target.”


How does the Tesseract show them things? Do they have hallucinations or something? Why wasn’t it showing them shit before? Is it because they were poking it and yeh’ve got ter stroke it like Hagrid says? Loki must have brought along his copy of The Monster Book of Tesseracts.

Also, “My next target”? Weren’t they your only target? Unless it showed him where the Helicarrier was, in which case, sign me up for that magic 8 spaceball.

Though, wait — no. His next target is that random guy. Honestly, I have no idea what the fuck is happening right now. This dialogue is thin and shitty.

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He needs a distraction.


I hate that he walks over to the case, opens it and does a stupid pose with his collapsing bow. You’re not cool. It bums me out that Jeremy Renner did this, cause I like him in stuff. The drug dealer in Louie? Great.

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“And an eyeball.”

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Hot women walking is always an acceptable way to start a scene.

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So they’re just listening to see if they can hear these guys? Really?


LOOK AT THE COMPUTER SCREENS. We start with five people walking – yes, I counted five people in that first tracking shot, including the woman we were tracking on – and cut to one man looking at FOUR SCREENS with Jeremy Renner’s SHIELDster page open! They have nothing else! THIS IS ALL YOU KNOW HOW TO DO! 

Who set up Loki’s SHIELDster page? I thought you needed an @shield.motherfucker email address to register. 

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“I mean, if it’s not too much trouble.”

“No, no, it’s fine.”


Coulson and Rogers’ backs. One guy walks by. Five people looking at the same few screens, all with those faces up. 

First: two people walk behind them like they’re on a date or something. Second: what’s with the deceptively slow pan on this shot? It’s rotating around them counterclockwise. They can’t even give us this moment as a stationary shot? Is it a homoerotic thing? Are they trying to make this conspicuously uncomfortable?

“It’s a vintage set. Took me a couple of years to collect them all.”

Me too. But then they added another generation.

Are we not talking about Pokémon?

Are Cap and Coulson not about to pull out Game Link Cables and trade for Alakazams?

“Near mint. Slight boxing around the edges, but—”

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They got a 67% match.

Not quite sure how you can only get that much, but all right.


More ridiculous levels of surveillance, cause that’s not freaky at all. Remember how The Dark Knight dealt with this kind of crazy surveillance as a more delicate subject, with Morgan Freeman resigning over its use? And in this, they’re like, “Screw it, we have bigger fish to fry here. This is Armageddon.” Which feels like audience conditioning, even though it’s not intentional.

I’m sure there are conspiracy theorists out there who think Hollywood is part of a plot to normalize the police state in the minds of content consumers. I enjoy trolling those people.

Remember how this guy is Hydra in like, three movies?

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Stuttgart sounds like something you get from a cheap prostitute.

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And now it’s 100%?

“He’s not exactly hiding.”

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“Captain, you’re up.”

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Don’t stand there and look dumb, get that spangly uniform.

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We get it. Germany’s classier than we are.

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New cars look awful.

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Pay attention, folks! 90 percent of the women in this film will be seen in this scene!

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That’s probably not something you want to have drunk people gathering around.


Is that a sacrificial altar? Hm. Apparently it’s based on a 5th century BC Persian work found in the ancient royal palace in Iran.

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He tapped the mic. Shut up, violins.

He needs a staff to silence the peasants.

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Yes, thank you for telling us whose uniform that is.

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Are they stealing a pinch?

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No Thor and we’re almost 40 minutes in, and Stark has been in one scene. Okay.


A European gala affair at night with classical music playing as people fall off the roof and a blond hero suits up. I’m getting Quantum of Solace vibes. Is anyone else? Remember how awesome that scene was, when they just cut the sound out and picked up the music? And Matthieu Amalric was creepy as fuck seeing Craig at the bottom of the stairs? 

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So he mind controls two guys and the rest are just hired help?

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“Why do they call him the Joker?”

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Space pimp cane.

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Why would you not linger on this shot for longer?

There’s a way to make a great superhero movie, and so far, no one’s done it yet.

I want someone to make the Skyfall version of a superhero movie.

Mixed with Raiders. I need Deakins level shots with 80s Spielberg level practical effects.

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What was that wave about?

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I like Loki’s entrance. Always enjoyed this. He’s in people clothes, and the music is good. And Tom Hiddleston is pretty great looking like a pompous ass, so there’s that.

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This is kinda what Draco Malfoy becomes.

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What is this asshole talking about?

They didn’t even turn down the music. So it must not be important.

Maybe this is how Hitler got started.

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Out of context screenshots.

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Shit, did he flip him over by the throat?

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What is that thing? Who makes that thing? Like, tell me. WHO makes that thing? That’s not something you find at Walmart. WHO MAKES THAT? Why create a diversion? You’re telling me Loki couldn’t just walk in there and TAKE the iridium? Can’t he get in and out of places? I like his intro here, but this seems like one of the weirdest, most difficult and generally impractical ways of gaining entry to this facility.

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Pulp Fiction - 2

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Nice shot. This might be the most intelligent shot in the movie. This shot actually made my film student instincts turn on. That hasn’t really happened at all in this franchise thus far.

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It sounds like it’s dicing the guy’s face up. How is it not pureeing the eyeball?

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I always try to look pleased when I rip people’s eyeballs out.

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It’s funny how this franchise has no regard for anyone who can’t be built into the universe.

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Well that was easy.

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Why were you bothering to wear people clothes in the first place?

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Classiest place in town, and there’s a movie theater right next to it.

If this were something that actually happened, you know which one I’d be at.

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This looks like where Christopher Lloyd was hanging off the clock tower.

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The police were just there?

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Is that an outdoor bar? Nice.

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Surprise, motherfucker.


He has a very dumb costume.

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“Kneel before me.”


The whole kneeling thing is less impressive when you remember Xerxes. Everyone should have that voice. Even some women.

Look at that woman’s face in the center.

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“I said –”

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People are easily led.

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I’d just sit down here. Since you can’t stay standing. He’ll kill you.

Though, actually, I wouldn’t even be here during this. I’d be in the movie theater next door, watching two German chicks scissor each other. (I just imagine that would be the movie they’d be showing. Why wouldn’t it be?)

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This is like Stark’s press conference.

“Is not this simpler?”


Whenever people use that sentence construction, I always want to yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!”

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“Is this not your natural state?”

You’re thinking of France.

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“It’s the unspoken truth of humanity. That you crave subjugation.”


He’s lowering himself by even deigning to give this speech. If they mean that little, and if they are truly worthless, he’s really only telling this to himself. Which only shows doubt and lack of conviction.

This is a weird plan, overall. There’s a lot of unnecessary pieces to it. Specifically this one, which requires him to get caught, because he figures, “Oh, if I destroy them from the inside, then I win.” Or you could just wait and unleash the army and make them have to deal with that.

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Now, I know what you’re thinking – Mike’s gonna comment on the fact that they cut to a black guy after he said that.

And I am gonna comment on that. That’s extremely racist. However –

What I’m more interested in, and what I actually responded to when I took this screenshot – the chick on the left was looking at Loki and immediately looked down after he said that. Which leads me to believe she’s got some kinky shit she’s into that she’s trying to hide.

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“The bright lure of freedom diminishes your life’s joy in a mad scramble for power and identity.”

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“You were made to be ruled.”

I say that to my looseleaf paper.

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Couple of things – dude straight back in the center is like, “Yeah, we were.” He looks so unhappy. Second – love the old dude looking off to the side. That’s great. Third – guy on the right looks exactly like the guy who played Rodney Dangefield’s son in Back to School. Don’t even say he doesn’t. (He also has that “Creepy guy who was wearing the Rachel Dawes uniform who worked for the Joker” look to him as well.) Fourth – guy in the back, are you really standing up to get a better look at what’s going on? Or are you actually not kneeling and don’t give a fuck right now? Fifth – chick in the back, on the left, how you doin’?

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“In the end, you will always kneel.”

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Ah, so that’s why he was sitting to the side.

Why do I feel like he should have been played by Max von Sydow?

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What happens if they all get up and don’t listen to him? Does he kill them all? What’s his game here? What if someone took the scepter from him? He’s not paying attention.

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“Not to men like you.”

Good for you.

Also, look at the asshole in the hat next to you. You can totally tell he’s thinking, “Just sit down, or you’ll get us all killed.” He looks like a little bitch.


This guy’s trying to go out like a G. You think you a Hugo boss?

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Go for the scepter, buddy. I can see you eyeballing his lemon drink.

“There are no men like me.”

Might be his point.

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“There are always men like you.”

This is Germany. Trust me. He knows what he’s talking about.

He also looks strangely like my grandfather.


We’re supposed to be like, “Oh, right. Hitler. Right.” Various audience members are giving themselves a pat on the back.

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“Look to your elder, people.”

To him, or at him? Are we looking for guidance or just to see him get annihilated?

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“Let him be an example.”

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Right on time.

Also, this is a hilarious shot if you think of how they shot it. He stood just left of frame and hopped onto his mark.

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He just got shot in the dome piece. But it’s made of vibranium, so I guess whatever. Isn’t there more of it by now? Can’t Stark make a suit and be better than everyone anywhere? Even if you make the claim that based on Captain America, the shield is all there is, that was like 70 years ago when we couldn’t find or detect anything AND we saw Stark synthesize his own element that was supposedly impossible to synthesize. So analyze the stuff and make more.

This is like the Felix Felicis thing. Also, some Marvel fan jerks will probably say that according to one of the novels, the newly synthesized element WAS vibranium, and that there are limits on its production. Unfortunately, the movies retconned that, so his new element is just some random element. Which means there are no theoretical barriers in the movies to making more vibranium, which should be possible at this point when we’re inventing new elements from scratch in a basement.

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Did he not see a guy in an American flag outfit running through the crowd to save this guy?

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“You know, the last time I was in Germany, and saw a man standing above everybody else, we ended up disagreeing.”

And then you punched him in the face over 20 times.

There was a lot of room for that line to be awesome, but it actually makes no sense.

You saw him standing above everyone else before you were in Germany. And you didn’t personally disagree with him. Pretty sure you and him were never in the same room.


See, this franchise is bad to the point where I don’t know if he’s referring to Hitler or Hugo Weaving.

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“The soldier.”

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I respect a guy who laughs at threats.

Also, just go for the fucking scepter. Captain America is here.

“A man out of time.”

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“I’m not the one who’s out of time.”

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Yeah, I’m sure that won’t lead to any collateral damage whatsoever.

“Loki, drop the weapon and stand down.”


That thing has a retractable minigun and a PA system? What else has a retractable minigun AND a PA system? You check the specs on most vehicles out there….it’s usually one or the other.

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This should always be the response to “drop the weapon.” Especially when it’s a space weapon.

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That heli-whatever also makes next to no sound.

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Wow, look at that guy on the left.

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That mask looks a bit too Batman-y.

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This must be pretty funny to the people at the opera.

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Superman that ho.

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Cue the lightning round.

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“Not today.”

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“Agent Romanov – you miss me?”

Just when I was starting to get bored.

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Should have picked a different AC/DC song. Thunderstruck? High Voltage? There are options.


AC/DC. We all know what that means.

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“Make your move, Reindeer Games.”


He just called him ‘Reindeer Games!’ Because…

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And you don’t immediately go, “That was way too easy.”

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“Good move.”

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“Mr. Stark.”



Name trading, Matrix style.

“Tombstone.” “Dodge.”

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“Didn’t he say anything?”

“Not a word.”

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“I don’t like it.”

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“What? Rock of Ages giving up so easily?”

Rock of Ages? You’re getting really close to the ‘too many quips’ quotient of the character. And for Stark, that’s really tough to do.

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“I don’t remember it being that easy. This guy packs a wallup.”


Too easy? Yeah. Too easy. You should all know. Here’s my rule. If someone shows up in your custody too easily, you take them to a third location and put one in their ear. Basically, you need to change up your protocol whenever you’re dealing with a smart guy who gives himself up. Just think of what Bardem would have thought if MI6 had instead opted to take him out behind a convenience store and shoot him? I know when to kill my movie problems.

Is he even in handcuffs or anything? Can’t he just get out of them?

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“Still, you were pretty spry, for an older fellow. What’s your thing, pilates?”



Downey, killing his delivery as usual. Not exactly riveting stuff, but he’s fun to watch cause it’s Downey.

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“It’s like calisthenics. You might have missed a couple things, you know, doing time as a Capsicle.”

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“Fury didn’t tell me he was calling you in.”

“Yeah, well, there’s a lot of things Fury doesn’t tell you.”


Now they’re going to set up a little rivalry between Captain America and Iron Man. Again, could have been done better, but then…we didn’t make the movie.

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How come he never makes mention that he knew his father?

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“What’s the matter? Scared of a little lightning?”

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“I’m not overly fond of what follows.”


Because this lighting HAS to be Thor.

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Tally ho!

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Just like Peter Pan.


Someone explain to me how this guy who has no means of tracking or communication just shows up on Earth and immediately finds the aircraft Loki happens to be in? I did a Google on this and found that nobody’s even TALKING about it. Even if Heimdall can see where Loki is (and we know that Loki’s usually cloaking himself from Heimdall, so that’s also questionable), and the bifrost is still down according to later dialogue, so we can only assume that Odin’s “dark energy” to get him to Earth put him in the general vicinity. Which…maybe?

But none of this is explained because STOP NITPICKING, COLIN, IT’S PERFECTLY NORMAL FOR EXTRA TERRESTRIALS TO ARRIVE ON EARTH ATOP THE PLANE HOLDING THE PERSON THEY’RE SEARCHING FOR. Guarantee you, 90 percent of the audience didn’t think about how weird this development is. Of the remaining 10 percent who thought of it, only five percent had the energy to come up with an answer, and of those five percent, nobody had anything worth saying. So shut up, five percent.

Yeah, I got nothing. At this point, I don’t even bother. My reaction was, “So I guess they fixed that bridge?” And then they say the dark magic thing. So I assume Heimdall told him where he was and then he showed up. It’s still weird, because until now, you don’t really know that Loki is on Earth. This was his first major move. So you assume that Heimdall is looking for him, and he’s not thinking about cloaking himself, so when he pulls this stunt, Heimdall sees and goes, “There he is.” And then Odin conjures up whatever and sends Loki down here. Still, tracking a stealth jet after only knowing he’s generally in this vicinity makes almost no sense.

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Yeah, open the door, I guess. Better than him cracking it open. Cause that might kill people, and then we’d have to dislike Thor for that. They really try not to antagonize anyone in the wrong way.

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I can’t tell if he was expecting this part or not. The movie doesn’t really bother to explain anything.

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Stark getting slammed that hard should really affect the stability of this aircraft.

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That was the epitome of a snatch and run.

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“Now there’s that guy.”

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“That guy’s a friendly?”

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“Doesn’t matter. If he frees Loki or kills him, the Tesseract’s lost.”

He has no reason to do either.

Also, no it’s not. Why would the Tesseract be lost? He’s got mind controlled flunkies working on it. So either the mind control wears off if he’s dead, or eventually they make their play, and it’s easier because the space god isn’t with them.

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“Stark, we need a plan of attack.”

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“I have a plan. Attack.”


See what he did there with the line he did like a thing

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“What an asshole,” is what he’s thinking right now.

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“I’d sit this one out, Cap.”

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“I don’t see how I can.”

“These guys come from legend, they’re basically gods.”

“There’s only one God, ma’am. And I’m pretty sure he doesn’t dress like that.”


Oh, no. Did someone introduce him to Prince?

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I love that he tally hos off of everything.

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“Where is the Tesseract?”

How do you know about it too?


That landing was pretty hard. Was that not as hard as he gets messed up later? I don’t understand the level of punishment they can take.

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“Oh, I missed you too.”

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“Do I look to be in a gaming mood?”


I’m in a gaming mood. I just got Mario Golf World Tour for 3DS – wiped out like three days just unlocking stuff and perfecting my short game. 

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“Oh, you should thank me. With the Bifrost gone, how much dark energy did the All-Father have to muster to conjure you here? Your precious Earth.”


See? They just say that Odin conjured him here with ‘dark energy,’ whatever that’s supposed to mean.

I hope that means he called in a few favors.

Thor had to get on one of those Midnight Cowboy buses.

Wahhh, wahh wahh wahh wahh.

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Uh oh. He dropped the hammer.

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“I thought you were dead.”

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“Did you mourn?”

“We all did. Our father—”

“Your father.”

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“He did tell you my true parentage, did he not?”

“We were raised together. We played together. We fought together. Do you remember none of that?”


I could see what Mike had to say about Loki after watching that movie, but they’ve messed him up now. He wanted to prove himself and help the family and was just misguided in how he did it. Too eager to please, I guess you’d say. Now he’s straight up evil.

I’m not sure this really works. If you consider it for a moment, this whole plot and Loki’s motivations stem from bitterness following the events of Thor’s conclusion. After being so sad and self-loathing that he pulls a Crystal Skull Ray Winstone (“I’m gonna be all right, Thor-sy.”) he immediately turns it around and decides to betray everyone by taking over the universe?

So, if we’re clear, Loki is the fat girl who gets caught sneaking a candy bar, gives up and runs away from home to eat from the dumpster behind Cinnabon.

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“I remember a shadow. I remember living in the shade of your greatness. I remember you tossing me into an abyss. I was, and should be, king.”


TOSSED him into an abyss? Was I not watching that movie? He LET GO.

Plus the reason he was even hanging off into the abyss is because he tried to stab him.

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“So you take the world I love as recompense for your imagined slights? The Earth is under my protection, Loki.”

Recompense for imagined slights.

I think they’re playing Warped Tour this year.

“And you’re doing a marvelous job with that. The humans slaughter each other in droves while you idly fret.”

“I mean to rule them. And why should I not?”

“You think yourself above them.”

“Well, yes.”


That’s a good delivery.

“Then you miss the truth of ruling, brother. A throne would suit you ill.”

Remember when you missed the truth until like, a month ago?

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That’s funny. Avoid the hammer. Can’t do anything with that.

“I’ve seen worlds you’ve never known about. I have grown, Odin-son, in my exile. I have seen the true power of the Tesseract. And when I wield it…”


“ODIN-SON” was a Lord of the Rings delivery. I like that condescending tone.

“Who showed you this power? Who controls the would-be king?”

“I am a king!”


“So, okay, bringing all the whatever tension back between these two because whatever, I guess.” – what I imagine was said at an early script meeting. And later script meetings.

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“Not here! You give up the Tesseract! You give up this poisonous dream! You come home.”


Not sure I like this Chris Hemsworth. He was much better in Rush. Which, Daniel Bruhl, who played Niki Lauda opposite Hemsworth in that movie, was announced as a villain in the next Captain America movie. This franchise is a plague that just spreads and spreads.

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“I don’t have it.”

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“You need the cube to bring me home, but I’ve sent it off. I know not where.”

Blatantly untrue. But sure.

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“You listen well, brother –”

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“I’m listening.”


You can tell that was a trailer moment that didn’t make the cut.

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“Do not touch me again.”

“Then don’t take my stuff.”

Your stuff?

“You have no idea what you’re dealing with.”

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“Uhh – Shakespeare in the Park?”

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“Doth mother know, you weareth her drapes?”

“This is beyond you, metal man. Loki will face Asgardian justice.”

Metal man.

Also, I’m bored by this. And I can’t see a fucking thing.

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“He gives up the cube and he’s all yours. Until then, stay out of the way. Tourist.”


Tourist. I really hope that was a crack at Johnny Depp.

The Avengers - 890

The Avengers - 891

The Avengers - 892

The Avengers - 893

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The Avengers - 895


The Avengers - 896

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The Avengers - 898


The fact that Loki isn’t peacing during any of this – you should all KNOW he wants to get caught. He could easily escape at this point, and if not, he doesn’t deserve to rule anyone.

The Avengers - 899

The Avengers - 900

The Avengers - 901

The Avengers - 902


This is also a fight that makes sense. Thor doesn’t know what’s up, so he shows up in town and wants to repatriate his adopted brother. Seems reasonable. They don’t talk because…fighting makes more sense.

No sense at all. It’s just an excuse to have them fight, and it’s ridiculous. They do a lot of Stark changing priorities for the right purpose at the right time in these movies. All of a sudden he’s like, “Oh no, we need Loki as our prisoner so he can be tried and convicted.” Meanwhile he should be saying, “So the alien is gonna take the other alien out of here and off of our hands? Okay. I wanted to go bang my CEO anyway.”

The Avengers - 903

The Avengers - 904

The Avengers - 905

The Avengers - 906

Superheroes fighting in the woods in Germany.

The Avengers - 907

The Avengers - 908

The Avengers - 909

That looks dangerous.

The Avengers - 910

The Avengers - 911

The Avengers - 912

The Avengers - 913

The Avengers - 914

“Power at 400% capacity.”

“How ‘bout that?”

So was that like cocaine?

The Avengers - 915

The Avengers - 916

The Avengers - 917

The Avengers - 918

So much of why people like this movie is based on, “Oh man, now HE’S fighting HIM!”


The Avengers - 919

The Avengers - 920

The Avengers - 921

The Avengers - 922

The Avengers - 923

Maybe make it so we can see what’s happening.

I write this two weeks after Mad Max came out, and that movie did night scenes really well.

The Avengers - 924

Fuck trees.


Goodbye forests, I guess.

The Avengers - 925

The Avengers - 926

The Avengers - 927

The Avengers - 928

This is one of those nerd shots.

The Avengers - 929

The Avengers - 930

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The Avengers - 932

Nice. Shoot him in the face so my Loki can be free.

The Avengers - 933

The Avengers - 934

He headbutts back.

The Avengers - 935

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The Avengers - 939

The Avengers - 940


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The Avengers - 948

Very complicated way to punch a guy in the face.


All of this is choreographed okay, I supposed. They need to give us these scenes with fighting. This is the bread and butter right here. This is what keeps Marvel going, or rather, what keeps people going to Marvel.

The Avengers - 949


Again, what’s the punishment? Cause this compared with Hulk messing up Loki later…that was still worse, but this isn’t leaving a dent in Thor.

The Avengers - 950

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The Avengers - 952

“That’s enough.”

The Avengers - 953


The Avengers - 954

“Now, I don’t know what you plan on doing here.”

“I’ve come here to put and end to Loki’s schemes!”

The Avengers - 955

“Then prove it. Put that hammer down.”

So glad we can see everything that’s going on and it’s not dark as shit.

The Avengers - 956

“Uh…yep! No! Bad call! He loves his hammer!”


Stark’s just being an asshole at this point, which I approve of.

The Avengers - 957

The Avengers - 958

“You want me to put the hammer down?”

The Avengers - 959

The Avengers - 960

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The Avengers - 962

Comic nerds just jizzed in their pants.


Just like in the Thor fight, regardless of what something is made of, shouldn’t it not be able to stop the hammer coming down? Like, it doesn’t have infinite weight, but it cannot be lifted, which means that even the vibranium shouldn’t be able to stop it, considering that it would mean Rogers stopped the hammer and, in effect, ‘lifted’ it. It should at least crush Rogers down flat until his body doesn’t give any more and THEN bounce off.So it’s not invisible anymore because…establishing shots, I guess.

The Avengers - 963

What I don’t get is why Thor is still fighting? He just told you we’re all against Loki.

The Avengers - 964

The Avengers - 965

So is SHIELD just watching this happen?

The Avengers - 966


For both of them, that was like getting hit with one of those nerf discs from those little guns.

The Avengers - 967

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The Avengers - 970

“Are we done here?”


I don’t know. Ask the director. VLC says we have about 92 minutes to go.

We’re certainly done with PART II.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow is Part III, and unnecessary action.

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