Fun with Franchises: The Marvel Universe – The Avengers (2012), Part III — “A Surprisingly Unsatisfying Stabbed Face”
We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is The Avengers.
Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.
We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.
We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.
Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.
Right now, we’re doing the Marvel Universe, and today is the third part of The Avengers.
We begin Part III on the Highwind. Or whatever they call it in this universe.
Star Wars. We all know it.
Colin:
That’s a lot of wifi routers.
Trailer shot.
How nice, they conveniently walked him right past where Banner is.
Colin:
That’s a creepy look. That’s the look of someone who’s done something REALLY messed up. That’s like, a Paul Dano before the third act of whatever movie look.
Is he affecting him mentally? Does that make him angry? I don’t understand this? Is Loki the anger version of William H. Macy in The Cooler?
Remember that movie? Where it reminded everyone how well Alec Baldwin could act?
Sure, put the villain in a giant glass prison cell. That always works out.
Colin:
Can’t Loki have only pretended to be in there? What about the thing where he projects himself? Would it not be advantageous for it to be a copy of him in the cell, if only so he could poop and stuff?
This is really skimming over all of those logic holes, and the fact that everyone saw him replicate himself and doesn’t question that. Not to mention that they still haven’t picked up on the fact that he wants to be here.
“In case it’s unclear, you try to escape, you so much as scratch that glass –”
“Thirty thousand feet, straight down in a steel trap. You get how that works?”
So it’s automatic? That’s the deal? They built this in case they need to stop Banner. Whose freakouts are not conveniently timed enough to be able to get him in here.
“Ant.”
“Boot.”
Colin:
The ant/boot thing comes back because I guess we needed to be reminded further of how much Crystal Skull sucked.
“It’s an impressive cage. Not built, I think, for me.”
“Built for something a lot stronger than you.”
Why are you answering him?
You don’t answer your problems, you kill your problems.
“Oh, I’ve heard.”
“The mindless beast, makes plays to the man.”
Cool it there, Bro Shakespeare, with your flowery language and your popped collar.
“How desperate are you? You call on such lost creatures to defend you.”
He’s looking into the fucking camera. Why does nobody realize what’s going on?
Right now, I’m chilling, headphones in, paying zero attention to this.
“How desperate am I?”
“You threaten my world with war.”
“You steal a force you can’t hope to control.”
“You talk about peace and you kill cause it’s fun.”
“You have made me very desperate. You might not be glad that you did.”
Colin:
How was there not a SINGLE motherfucker uttered in that whole sentence? Am I truly all alone on this motherfucker train?
“Ooh. It burns you to come so close. To have the Tesseract, to have power, unlimited power.”
Colin:
I REALLY hope that the repeated use of the phrase “unlimited power” is really just a Samuel L. Jackson thing. It can’t not be, right?
“And for what?”
“A warm light for all mankind to share, and then to be reminded what real power is.”
Does this plane not have TCM?
“Well let me know if real power wants a magazine or something.”
Colin:
They never really address how Thor and Loki just flow with the dialogue now. Isn’t he supposed to be unaware of what a magazine is? I can’t tell if they’re mercifully letting that stuff pass or if I’d enjoy moments of him reacting to human stuff he doesn’t understand in a shitty way.
Colin:
What are the Asgardian peasants doing right now? There’s probably nobody around to clap for, cause Anthony Hopkins is probably tired from teleporting his son.
This is a weird shot. It looks like he has a Strangelove hand.
“He really grows on you, doesn’t he?”
“Loki’s gonna drag this out. So, Thor, what’s his play?”
Said the soldier.
“He has an army called the Chitauri, that none of Asgard nor any world know.”
But you do. Somehow. That quickly.
“He means to lead them against your people. They will win him the earth.”
And here’s Cobie Smulders sneaking into frame, pretending she has something to do.
“Return, I suspect, for the Tesseract.”
“An army. From outer space.”
Nah, from Sioux Falls.
“So he’s building another portal. That’s what he needs Erik Selvig for.”
“Selvig?”
“He’s an astrophysicist.”
Like Natalie? Remember Natalie? I’m glad Natalie isn’t in this movie.
“He’s a friend.”
“Loki has him under some kind of spell. Along with one of ours.”
I don’t like that Barton is her main concern here and not the potential word annihilation.
“I wanna know why Loki let us take him. He’s not leading an army from here.”
Colin:
Rogers, asking the questions that need asking because he likes to get the ball rolling. Normally, I’d appreciate this, but more exposition. By now, you’ve all probably noticed that when there’s exposition, I’m impatient and hate the way they do it, but when it gives way to action, I’m like, “Yes, yes, jump through the hoop.”
So it becomes a matter of wanting action when they’re talking and talking when there’s action – not because the grass is always greener on the other side, but because it means the movie is progressing to its logical (or probably illogical) conclusion.
“I don’t think we should be focusing on Loki. That guy’s brain is a bag full of cats, you could smell crazy on him.”
“I don’t care how you speak. Loki is beyond reason, but he is of Asgard, and he’s my brother.”
So if you don’t care how he speaks, why are you getting upset at how he speaks?
“He killed eighty people in two days.”
“He’s adopted.”
Colin:
Also clearly a cut trailer line. These little witty remarks.
Does he even know what adopted is?
Also, did he personally kill 80 people? Or have 80 people been killed because of what he’s done?
“I think its about the mechanics. Iridium, what did they need the Iridium for?”
“It’s a stabilizing agent.”
“So I’m just saying, take a weekend, I’ll fly you to Portland.”
All of the side dialogue is about getting Coulson laid.
Colin:
Stark does more to make this movie real than anyone. The audience has not misplaced its love, nor the studio its money. That little moment you could barely hear, that was the real moment of finishing up the private conversation you were having while getting to business.
“Means the portal won’t collapse on itself, like it did at SHIELD.”
You know what’s great? Astrophysicist who is now under mind control could not figure that out when he wasn’t under mind control. Unless he didn’t want to keep the portal open. But on that note, why wouldn’t you keep some Iridium on hand for just such an occasion, since you had to have known it was a possibility. Fuck, even Jeremy Renner knew about the space door, and he shoots a fucking bow.
“No hard feelings Point Break, you’ve got a mean swing.”
I’m not appreciating boiling Stark down to movie references. He’s more than that.
“Also, it means the portal can open as wide, and stay open as long, as Loki wants.”
Whatever Loki wants / Loki gets?
She’s checking out his ass. She’s done that a few times so far with everyone.
“Raise the mizzenmast, ship the topsails.”
You think these agents only date each other, or do they have families back home they go to when this thing lands? Because not all SHIELD agents are field agents.
“That man is playing Galaga. Thought we wouldn’t notice, but we did.”
Colin:
Exposition, but mixed in with snarky, Starky comments. He antagonizes the weirdly dressed crew. I welcome this. There’s someone playing Galaga. He calls people out for being too full of themselves. I like to think it’s commentary on the franchise.
“How does Fury even see these?”
Colin:
“Your boss has one eye! Hah!” “Cobie Smulders has a one-eyed boss! Neener-neener-neener!”
“He turns.”
“Sounds exhausting. The rest of the raw materials, Agent Barton can get his hands on pretty easily.”
And you know that how?
“Only major component he still needs is a power source. A high energy density, something to kickstart the cube.”
Nice, just bug them.
“When did you become an expert in thermonuclear astrophysics?”
How do you know this is thermonuclear astrophysics? Also, he’s Tony Stark.
Not to mention, he didn’t really say anything past a rudimentary understanding of what Loki would need in this particular scenario. That comment she made could have been sarcastic, but trust me, it’s not.
“Last night. The packet, Selvig’s notes, the Extraction Theory papers.”
“Am I the only one who did the reading?”
Colin:
There was required reading? I assume that was only for Banner and Stark. They’re not giving a packet of that shit to Steve Rogers. Pretty sure the closest he got to science class was a malt shop. Which, can we bring back malt shops?
I feel like in school, rather than give Rogers homework, they gave him a sandwich and said, “Trust me son, it’ll do you better.”
“Does Loki need any particular kind of power source?”
“He’d have to heat the cube to a hundred and twenty million Kelvin just to break through the Coulomb barrier.”
“Unless, Selvig has figured out how to stabilize the quantum tunneling effect.”
“Well, if he could do that he could achieve Heavy Ion Fusion at any reactor on the planet.”
Colin:
They’re speaking science talk. Which, if you listen to it, isn’t actually that confusing. But your mind-brain (mind-brain?) tells you to shut it down because dear lord, are you still trying to follow dialogue more than 55 minutes into this movie? What were you THINKING? In fact, the problem, no doubt, was that you were thinking at all. Switch your head off and let the science dialogue sound like gibberish.
“Finally, someone who speaks English.”
“Is that what just happened?”
“It’s good to meet you, Dr. Banner.”
“You’re work on anti-electron collisions is unparalleled.”
“And I’m a huge fan of the way you lose control and turn into an enormous green rage monster.”
I like that he doesn’t beat around the bush and just calls it out for what it is.
“Thanks.”
“Dr. Banner is only here to track the cube. I was hoping you might join him.”
So you still don’t really want him as part of the team.
Really, the only ones they want are the ones they can control.
“Let’s start with that stick of his. It may be magical, but it works an awful lot like a Hydra weapon.”
Because… the Tesseract? Remember how that’s the through line for all of this?
“I don’t know about that, but it is powered by the cube. And I’d like to know how Loki used it to turn two of the sharpest men I know into his personal flying monkeys.”
Colin:
What do you mean, you don’t know about that? Steve was there, fighting Hydra AND Loki. He would know. And besides, the Tesseract provides power for both, does it not?
“Monkeys? I do not understand.”
“I do.”
“I understood that reference.”
Colin:
Flying monkeys. Downey’s face. Downey’s eye roll. That was our collective eye roll. You know what’s really meta? When you think about how Rogers only remembers movies from a time when film was more satisfying in many ways and how he hasn’t really witnessed the how low film has sunken in this wave of blockbusters he is himself a part of.
“Shall we play, Doctor?”
“This way, sir.”
Colin:
The fact that the guy wasn’t shown at the beginning makes me hope that Downey ad-libbed the Galaga line. But I don’t think that’s the case.
Nope. Joss Whedon. 100% written into the script. That’s his style. And 80s video game references. Definitely him and not Downey.
Why do we need establishing shots at night? Just to break up the scenes?
This thing is also essentially Skytanic.
“The gamma readings are definitely consistent with Selvig’s reports on the Tesseract. But it’s gonna take weeks to process.”
“If we bypass their mainframe and direct a reroute to the Homer cluster, we can clock this around six hundred teraflops.”
Colin:
Science crap. Don’t listen. It’s for nerds.
Hill is just walking in the background like the killer from Too Many Cooks.
“All I packed was a tooth brush.”
“You know, you should come by Stark Tower sometime. Top ten floors, all R and D. You’d love it, it’s Candyland.”
“Thanks, but the last time I was in New York I kind of broke Harlem.”
Colin:
He broke Harlem…which would be cause to fix it, right? Wait, does this universe blame gentrification on hero mayhem?
Doesn’t every?
“Well, I promise a stress free environment. No tension. No surprises.”
“Nothing?”
At least they kept that aspect of his personality. The guy who is willing to risk safety for seeing cool shit.
“Are you nuts?”
“Jury’s out.”
Colin:
Thank you for that. I know how plain a line that is, but when he gives it a proper Downey delivery, it acts like methadone in the place of proper script heroin.
“You really have got a lid on it, haven’t you? What’s your secret? Mellow jazz? Bongo drums? Huge bag of weed?”
Colin:
The phrase ‘huge bag o’ weed’ will always be funny, no matter what the circumstances.
“Is everything a joke to you?”
“Funny things are.”
Colin:
Forget Depp. Could they do The Thin Man with Downey? He could totally manage the transatlantic accent, too. I feel like it would be a good opportunity for him to slow down a tad and mellow out. He needs to do stuff that isn’t franchise. Depp’s had his shots at non-franchise stuff, and he’s blown it pretty much every time. I know everyone’s drawing the comparisons between these two, so I’ll just say it: put Downey in The Thin Man and let him make the shit out of it.
He wouldn’t do it. It’s too Stark. Or rather, maybe he would do it and then it would end up being essentially the same performance over again.
“Threatening the safety of everyone on this ship isn’t funny. No offense, Doctor.”
That’s actually more offensive than what Stark did.
Stark at least is bringing it out into the open. What everyone else is doing is thinking of the racial slur and trying to be politically correct about it, yet we all know it’s out there.
“It’s alright. I wouldn’t have come aboard if I couldn’t – handle pointy things.”
“You’re tiptoeing, big man. You need to strut.”
Did he just call him out for being an old timey racist?
“And you need to focus on the problem, Mr. Stark.”
“You think I’m not? Why did Fury call us and why now? Why not before? What isn’t he telling us? I can’t do the equation unless I have all the variables.”
How did this turn into being about Fury? Why did he call us and why now? Did you not see all the shit that went down? Pretty obvious that’s why he called you. When you need to resurrect a program that was scrapped just because you have no other options, there’s a pretty transparent reason why you’re there.
“You think Fury’s hiding something?”
“He’s a spy. Captain, he’s the spy. His secrets have secrets. It’s bugging him too, isn’t it?”
Does he not realize this is beside the point? We’re adding random stuff for conflict.
In a sense, this is exactly what Avengers II did, except more blatant with Scarlet Witch giving them all acid trips.
What’s going on right now is essentially — “The government asked us to save the world because we’ve done heroic shit in the past.” “Yeah, but the government does a lot of shady stuff. Let’s look into all the secret weapons programs they have even though it’s not relevant to what we’re supposed to be doing.” What are you getting out of this?
Colin:
Ah hah. So this is where the conflict gets fleshed out. They’re not TOTALLY simple in their rollout of the issue. Stark’s suspicious and should be. Banner doesn’t want trouble, but he’s not quick to trust. And Rogers wants so badly to believe, but he’s probably fooling himself.
Here’s where they went wrong, though – Banner should be the one who’s more actively suspicious of SHIELD and their motivations from the start. Ruffalo is so much darker with the character than Norton was, but they made him too nice here. He starts suspicious, and then plays nicely for a long time. Keep him suspicious and testy and everything, which makes SHIELD more cautious.
Then Stark’s the one who just makes dickish comments until it’s revealed that he hacked the system and confirms the whole thing, leading Banner to be REALLY pissed off and Hulk out on their shit. I’m not sure it has to be Loki’s plan, because this movie is really just a character movie. So you let them deal with their own shit and have Loki off doing whatever else, and it’s a matter of pulling together in time, or whatever.
This isn’t far from what ends up happening, only Banner is too nice and really suspicion and foil for Rogers’ flag-waving has to come from Downey, who should really just be drinking and being an asshole.
Downey hasn’t had a drink since his blood toxicity problem was solved. After that, the character offically became boring and was only sustained by Downey’s ability to do fun stuff with it.
“Uh, I just wanna finish my work here and…”
“Doctor?”
“A warm light for all mankind, Loki’s jab at Fury about the cube.”
“I heard it.”
“Well, I think that was meant for you. Even if Barton didn’t tell Loki about the tower, it was still all over the news.”
“The Stark Tower? That big ugly–”
“Building in New York?”
Colin:
He’s smart enough to not say stuff like that by accident. He insulted Stark on purpose.
“It’s powered by Stark Reactors, self sustaining energy source. That building will run itself for what, a year?”
“That’s just the prototype. I’m kind of the only name in clean energy right now. That’s what he’s getting at.”
Colin:
The only name in clean energy right now. Which is funny, because of all the Elon Musk comparisons, and I’m writing this only two days after Musk presented the Tesla Powerwall. So he’s pretty much the only name in clean energy right now.
“So why didn’t SHIELD bring him in on the Tesseract project? I mean, what are they doing in the energy business in the first place?”
We know it’s weapons. Stop adding useless dialogue. It’s a spy organization. What the ufuck would they be doing with that energy that would be kept secret?
Is his hood attached to the suit? Is that a Captain America hoodie?!
“I should probably look into that once my decryption program finishes breaking into all of SHIELD’s secure files.”
“I’m sorry, did you say –”
“Jarvis has been running it since I hit the bridge. In a few hours we’ll know every dirty secret SHIELD has ever tried to hide.”
“Blueberry?”
Does SHIELD not notice that someone is hacking into their shit? Because that’s more alarming than the fact that he’s doing it.
“Yet you’re confused about why they didn’t want you around.”
“An intelligence organization that fears intelligence? Historically not awesome.”
That line makes up for a lot of the bullshit that came before it.
“I think Loki’s trying to wind us up. This is a man who means to start a war, and if don’t stay focused, he’ll succeed. We have orders, we should follow them.”
Said the soldier.
That’s the problem with these movies. The characters become more one-dimensional than they already are.
“Following is not really my style.”
He is the Wolverine of this team. We all know it.
“And you’re all about style, aren’t you?”
“Of the people in this room, which one is, A) wearing a spangly outfit, and B) not of use?”
Colin:
He doesn’t like your outfit. I feel like it sucks to make fun of the old man’s clothes.
And, to be fair — he is not really of use until the fighting starts.
“Steve, tell me none of this smells a little funky to you.”
Maybe it’s new and they haven’t gotten that new helicarrier smell out yet.
“Just find the cube.”
And then he storms off before realizing, “You know, maybe they were right.” Because one-dimensionality can’t hold a candle to The Plot.
“That’s the guy my dad never shut up about? Wondering if they shouldn’t have kept him on ice.”
“The guy’s not wrong about Loki, he does have the jump on us.”
Colin:
So just his being around pisses people off? Is Loki just inverse Chansey?
“What he’s got is an Acme dynamite kit. It’s gonna blow up in his face, and I’m gonna be there when it does.”
“And I’ll read all about it.”
“Uh huh. Or you’ll be suiting up like the rest of us.”
Colin:
I’m not paying attention to this. …he said, referring to 90 percent of this movie.
“Ah, you see, I don’t get a suit of armor. I’m exposed, like a nerve. It’s a nightmare.”
Colin:
“Exposed. Like that time I flashed the Laker Girls. Those times. Whatever.”
Why don’t they get him a suit?
“You know, I’ve got a cluster of shrapnel, trying every second to crawl its way into my heart. This stops it. This little circle of light. It’s part of me now, not just armor. It’s a terrible privilege.”
When did we get to the feelings part of the movie?
“But you can control it.”
“Because I learned how.”
This line renders that “I’m always angry” line moot later. But nobody listened to this part, so they all thought that was badass.
Also, learning how to control it — no you didn’t. You learned how to not get angry as much and turn into it. You can’t control shit after you’re the Hulk.
“It’s different.”
Colin:
This is the part where they have to get into the tropes that brought about their characters. You know, the whole orphan-whose-scientific-genius-and-curiosity-led-to-a-horrific-ordeal-that-threatens-them-to-this-day-but-also-holds-the-key-to-their-greatest-power thing? Some Marvel nerds might jump in and tell me Banner isn’t an orphan because while Mom was killed by Dad, Dad wound up in an asylum. He was raised by an aunt, so that’s orphan enough for me.
Also, in case you were concerned that comic books weren’t complete crap, let me bring it to your attention that every major character of this movie is an orphan except Thor. Thor has parents who are alive as of this movie (still haven’t seen Thor 2, so there’s still hope for him to be orphaned yet!), but Stark, Banner, Barton, Romanoff, Rogers and Fury are ALL orphans. And not even like, you’re in your 30s and your parents died, so you’re an orphan. Like, full-on, not-to-be-given-powers orphan children. WHO THEN ALL GET POWERS PRETTY MUCH.
Comic books have sadly simple conventions in a way that can’t really be compared to the simple conventions of Westerns. Those are conventions of action. These are conventions of circumstance. According to Marvel, the only way you can be a terrestrial hero is if your parents die, and if you still have parents, you’d better be from another planet. Of course, DC isn’t much better. With Superman, he’s got dead parents AND he’s from another planet. And he’s bad with women. The shit-fecta.
But you would NEVER accept that every major character was orphaned in another movie. Why does this get a pass? I tell people I love James Bond movies and they say stuff like, “Oh, come on. That invisible car? A satellite that shoots a laser?” This movie has an invisible flying aircraft carrier and you all ate it up!
I’m an hour into the movie, and I’m ready to shut down out of frustration over people’s response to it. In my final thoughts, we’ll get to why I don’t completely hate the movie and could even watch it again on my own under the right circumstances, but it’s unacceptable that this movie enjoys the reputation it has.
“Hey, I’ve read all about your accident.”
In the Declassified Times?
“That much gamma exposure should have killed you.”
Colin:
Why is that supposed to sound revelatory? “That much gamma exposure….SHOULD have killed you.” Yeah, I’m sure that’s news to the expert in gamma radiation who experienced it.
So you’re saying that the Hulk – the other guy – saved my life? That’s nice. It’s a nice sentiment. Saved it for what?”
Butt stuff? I feel like that’s always the answer.
Colin:
A nice sentiment? The idea that Hulk saved his life is preposterous. Hulk is the result of the life-threatening process. This ‘nice sentiment’ is like saying an omelet saved those eggs from being incinerated.
“I guess we’ll find out.”
And so we just cut out wide, because… we’re done, I guess.
Colin:
Thanks for the random wide shot, I guess. At this point, you really notice when they throw you a bone. Even if it’s a Milk Bone.
WISHBONE AVENGERS
Maybe if you don’t want people to find your secret hiding place, don’t label it as such. Maybe just leave it looking like a random closet.
Out of context screenshots.
Colin:
Do you not have an alarm on this door protecting your secret weapons? Even the Nazis knew how to wire a door back in the day. And why is the label for the storage unit on the INSIDE of the door?
Colin:
That’s all we get, apparently. Captain America sneaks in! And….scene. Are you for real? What do I do with that? What does ANYONE DO WITH THAT?
Colin:
Oh, I like this shot, tracking behind the truck. The lighting in the tunnel is nice, and this reminds me of racing games. It’s also a very slowly drifting tracking shot. I thought they’d do a pass, and they didn’t. Good for them.
Is this all Renner, telling him what to do to not get tracked? Or does Loki understand tradecraft?
Colin:
This is inside the truck, right? Why are you doing something so delicate in a big, dopey truck with a splashy suspension? Anything that requires you to use tongs should not be executed in the back of a moving vehicle. You know how people always say ‘no running with scissors?’ I’m coining a new one. No tongs in the truck.
No Tongs in the Truck.
That’s why my abortion bus fell apart.
The funny thing here is that neither Loki nor Renner are on this truck. So some random person is driving him as he does this.
That cut made it look like he was creepily leering at Natalie’s picture.
“As soon as Loki took the doctor we moved Jane Foster.”
I.E. “Here’s why she’s not in this movie.”
“We’ve got an excellent observatory in Tromsø. She was asked to consult there very suddenly yesterday. Handsome fee, private plane, very remote. She’ll be safe.”
Colin:
Does he know what or where Alaska is? Does he know what a private plane is? The Asgardians just know all of our Earth shit suddenly.
Tromso is not that far from Tonsberg. Actually, though.
It’s also called “Paris of the north,” which might be a sly play on “Land of Enchantment.”
“Thank you.”
Pause for us to realize the individual stories mean nothing here.
Notice how Pepper is still just running her company.
And Peggy’s in whatever nursing home she’s in.
And Liv Tyler is – I’m still assuming dead.
“It’s no accident, Loki taking Erik Selvig. I dread what he plans for him once he’s done. Erik is a good man.”
Colin:
He and Stellan are in man love.
They drank, they fought, they showed each other their tonsbergs. That’s how it goes.
“He talks about you a lot.”
You talk to him a lot?
“You changed his life. You changed everything around here.”
Why did Thor change his life?
“They were better as they were. We pretend on Asgard that we’re more advanced, but we — we come here battling like Bilchsteim.”
“Like what?”
“Bilchsteim. You know. Huge, scaly, big antlers.”
Colin:
Bilge-snipe? I assume those are like Marvel’s gundarks. His question of whether they have those or not makes me wonder why he isn’t sampling all the different meats available on this planet. And requesting coffee and boilermakers.
“You don’t have those?”
“Don’t think so.”
“Well, they are repulsive. They trample everything in their path.”
“When I first came to Earth, Loki’s rage followed me here and your people paid the price. And now, again.”
Like how he conveniently leaves out the banishment part.
“In my youth I courted war.”
That was like a week ago.
Earth is still having a bad semester.
“War hasn’t started yet.”
We’re two Avengers movies away from war.
“You think you can make Loki tell us what the Tesseract is?”
“I do not know. Loki’s mind is far afield, it’s not just power he craves, it’s vengeance. Upon me. There’s no pain that would prize his need from him.”
Remember how we’re ignoring the fact that he had everything under control until Stark stopped him?
“A lot of guys think that, until the pain starts.”
“What are you asking me to do?”
“I’m asking, what are you prepared to do?”
“Loki is a prisoner.”
“Then why do I feel like he’s the only person on this boat that wants to be here?”
Colin:
Samuel L Jackson is still willing to call an alien god ‘motherfucker.’ You know he is.
“There’s not many people that can sneak up on me.”
“But you figured I’d come.”
Colin:
This scene is going to be cut with gratuitous ass shots. We all know it.
“After. After whatever tortures Fury can concoct. You would appear as a friend, as a balm. And I would cooperate.”
Is there a Space Art of War? How did you know this would happen?
Also, the fact that he has expectations for how this would go should really be setting off alarms.
“I wanna know what you’ve done to Agent Barton.”
Butt stuff.
“I’d say I’ve expanded his mind.”
And his butt.
Few people understand the impact of a subtle head tilt.
“And once you’ve won. Once you’re king of the mountain. What happens to his mind?”
What happens to the fucking MOUNTAIN?!
“Is this love, Agent Romanoff?”
“Love is for children. I owe him a debt.”
So it’s just sex?
Colin:
Is her thing interrogation? Like, she can get the truth out of people without resorting to a stupid lasso or whatever? Cause that’s very cool. If you can trick people into saying shit, that’s a great skill. I would pick that over any of the powers here. Except Stark’s power. Which is money and snarkiness.
“Tell me.”
And you’re just going to?
Also, ass shot.
“Before I worked for SHIELD, I uhh – well, I made a name for myself. I have a very specific skill set.”
Colin:
That’s like, JUST this side of plagiarism. Seriously? The line that EVERYONE knows from Taken?
“I didn’t care who I used it for, or on.”
Was she easy?
“I got on SHIELD’s radar in a bad way. Agent Barton was sent to kill me.”
“He made a different call.”
Call to the Jefferson Hotel? Room 1210?
“And what will you do if I vow to spare him?”
Butt stuff.
“Not let you out.”
“Ah, no.”
“But I like this. Your world in the balance, and you bargain for one man?”
Seriously. What are you doing?
“Regimes fall everyday. I tend not to weep over that, I’m Russian. Or I was.”
Colin:
She’s Russian. She doesn’t weep over regime changes. That’s a jab at Russians if I ever heard one.
“And what are you now?”
“It’s really not that complicated. I’ve got red in my ledger, I’d like to wipe it out.”
Not sure how that does it. Your record is still your record.
“Can you? Can you wipe out that much red? Drakov’s daughter?”
Colin:
I can’t tell if this is a Soviet double entendre or a play on Loki’s own circumstances or what. But I’m sure Marvel fans will call this genius writing.
“Sao Paulo? The hospital fire?”
Where did you get her dossier from? Did you have Renner tell you this shit on the way to the hideout?
“Barton told me everything.”
Oh, well that answers that. So that’s one, I guess.
“Your ledger is dripping, it’s gushing red, and you think saving a man no more virtuous than yourself will change anything?”
Silence of the Lambs.
“This is the basest sentimentality. This is a child at prayer. Pathetic.”
“You lie and kill in the service of liars and killers.”
Thieves. And butchers.
Same monologue.
“You pretend to be separate, to have your own code.”
“Something that makes up for the horrors.”
“But they are a part of you, and they will never go away.”
Colin:
This is all supposed to be cut with the team falling apart. So Stark is hacking, Rogers finds Hydra shit…I guess. I’m just wishing they could have set this up better. Banner being more pissed off and suspicious of people, Stark not doing enough to keep everyone together, but instead being the snarky jerk who just foments chaos out of his own need to put people down, and then it really rests on Rogers. When he finally comes back having found the Hydra shit, everyone breaks down, Banner’s on edge, and as it looks like they’ll finally be able to pull through, there’s an explosion. We don’t have a warning of Renner coming because we already know he’s in play.
Those Hydra weapons are on hay.
“I won’t touch Barton! Not until I make him kill you.”
“Slowly, intimately, in every way he knows you fear.”
She fears intimacy?
“And then he’ll wake just long enough to see his good work, and when he screams I’ll split his skull.”
This seems like an elaborate plan. More elaborate than your world domination one.
“This is my bargain, you mewling quim!”
He just called her a mewling quim.
“You’re a monster.”
“Oh, no. You brought the monster.”
“So – Banner. That’s your play?”
“What?”
“Loki means to unleash the Hulk. Keep Banner in the lab, I’m on my way. Send Thor as well.”
Colin:
I like that she does this. Moral of the story? Ladies be playin’ games. Don’t trust ‘em. There should be more of her interrogations and stuff. You know why they don’t do it? Because it’s not action, because they’d need a new gimmick after the first two times, and because it would probably require scenes in which dialogue takes place between the same two characters for an extended period of time more than once in the same movie.
I know it’s ensemble, but find me two scenes in which the same two characters talk to one another for more than two minutes. Did it happen with Stark and Banner? I’m already forgetting, because…maybe, barely?
“Thank you for your cooperation.”
“What are you doing, Mr. Stark?”
“Uhh, kind of been wondering the same thing about you.”
“You’re supposed to be locating the Tesseract.”
“We are, the model’s locked and we’re sweeping for the signature now. When we get a hit, we’ll have the location within half a mile.”
“And you’ll get your cube back, no muss, no fuss.”
“What is Phase 2?”
“Phase 2 is SHIELD used the cube to make weapons.”
Colin:
Well, now everyone is going to pissed off at everyone else. Also, were those ACTUAL weapons? Cause that helmet was the exact helmet from Hydra.
“Sorry, computer was moving a little slow for me.”
“Rogers, we gathered everything related to the Tesseract. This does not mean that we’re—”
“I’m sorry, Nick.”
“Motherfucker…”
“What, were you lying?”
“I was wrong, Director. The world hasn’t changed a bit.”
“You wanna think about removing yourself from this environment, doctor?”
That’s the least subtle thing you can possibly say.
“I was in Calcutta, I was pretty well removed.”
“Loki’s manipulating you.”
“And you’ve been doing what exactly?”
Not.. manipulating you? They’ve told you your purpose, and said you’re gonna save the world. Just because they’re also not great and will cause problems after the world is saved doesn’t change the fact that the world is in danger now. There’s no argument that they’re the lesser of two evils. So I don’t get what’s happening right now.
“You didn’t come here because I bat my eyelashes at you.”
“Yes, and I’m not leaving because suddenly you get a little twitchy.”
“I’d like to know why SHIELD is using the Tesseract to build weapons of mass destruction.”
Colin:
Only now do they let Banner be the most vocal about his suspicions. Stark facilitates, which…great. But why was he not more pissed to start?
“Because of him.”
I would LOVE it if it’s not explained and he just blames him because he’d be the last person in the room to blame.
“Me?”
“Last year earth had a visitor from another planet who had a grudge mass that leveled a small town. We learned that not only are we not alone, but we are hopelessly, hilariously, out-gunned.”
Colin:
So Thor is the reason they’re making weapons. And fair enough, I guess. We live in a world that has walls and those walls have to be defended by men with guns. Who’s going to do it? You? You, Captain America?
Captain America is totally the Lieutenant Weinberg of this scenario.
Also, his name is Sam Weinberg. That just sounds like it should be followed by “Jewish P.I.”
Ass shot.
“My people want nothing but peace with your planet.”
Except your brother.
“But you’re not the only people out there, are you? And, you’re not the only threat.”
I’m sorry, but her ass is just incredible in those pants.
That’s it. Won’t mention it again unless it has to be.
“The world’s filling up with people who can’t be matched. They can’t be controlled.”
Have you tried? You have the scepter.
“Like you controlled the cube?”
“Your work with the Tesseract is what drew Loki to it, and his allies.”
Is it? I don’t think it is.
“It is the signal to all the realms that the earth is ready for a higher form of war.”
Nope, just something the guy who wants to destroy the universe wants.
“A higher form?”
“You forced our hand. We had to come up with something.”
“A nuclear deterrent. Cause that always calms everything right down.”
“Remind me again how you made your fortune, Stark.”
“I’m sure if he still made weapons, Stark would be neck deep –”
“Wait, wait, hold on. How is this now about me?”
“I’m sorry, isn’t everything?”
“I thought humans were more evolved than this.”
“Excuse me, did we come to your planet and blow stuff up?”
“You treat your champions with such mistrust.”
“Are you boys really that naïve? SHIELD monitors potential threats.”
Colin:
They’re all saying stuff and being more dickish than they have to be, but I guess it’s just because of the inverse Chansey they have on board. Shouldn’t Romanoff be smarter than this and able to shut everyone up? She should have been able to persuade Banner to calm down a little better than she did.
“Captain America’s on threat watch?”
“We all are.”
Colin:
I don’t mind the upside down shot. Things are upside down. That’s a good image, if a little comic book.
This is what’s known as subtle when you work on TV. Get it? They’re all upside down.
Did they disable that?
How nice.
Colin:
Oh, this is where they have an older code, but it checks out. And Barton tells Chewie to “fly casual.”
“You speak of control, yet you court chaos.”
Chaos is sexier.
“It’s his M.O., isn’t it? I mean, what are we, a team? No, no, no. We’re a chemical mixture that makes chaos. We’re…we’re a time-bomb.”
Colin:
Nobody’s able to worry about themselves and what they need to be doing to stay level-headed. Every one of them is a drunk, abusive dad right now. Which…sorry, Natasha.
“You need to step away.”
“Why shouldn’t the guy let off a little steam?”
Colin:
Stark regularly antagonizes these superhumans when he’s not wearing his suit. What’s to stop him from punching Stark in the face RIGHT NOW? That’d shut him up for sure.
“You know damn well why! Back off!”
“Oh, I’m starting to want you to make me.”
“Yeah, big man in a suit of armor. Take that off, what are you?”
“Genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist.”
Colin:
Okay, that can’t have been cut from the trailers. That MUST have been in the trailers. I should probably watch the trailers to see what was cut and what wasn’t. I’m expecting the trailers to all feature the weird, super low bass tones you hear in every action movie trailer now. What sound is that? Why do all movies do that now?
Wait, I’m going to check. Yes. This, from the very beginning of the second official trailer. These pulsing, low tones that happen every few seconds so people can put a sound-byte in between.
“I know guys with none of that worth ten of you.”
Do you? Because they’re dead.
“And I’ve seen the footage. The only thing you really fight for is yourself. You’re not the guy to make the sacrifice play, to lay down on a wire and let the other guy crawl over you.”
“I think I would just cut the wire.”
Colin:
Cutting the wire is better. There are ways out. Captain America’s thinking that you have to make the sacrifices, but let’s remember that at the end of his movie, he crashed a plane that had full control of instead of just turning it around. So I’m not about to take any advice on sacrifice from him.
“Always a way out. You know, you may not be a threat, but you better stop pretending to be a hero.”
“A hero? Like you? You’re a laboratory experiment, Rogers. Everything special about you came out of a bottle.”
Tony was a lot better when he was in the bottle.
That seems super dangerous.
Colin:
I like that shot, ridiculous as it is. I think of that shot when I’m hitting draws and fades in Mario Golf. Which is whenever I’ve messed up and landed behind a tree or something.
“Put on the suit, let’s go a few rounds.”
Colin:
Awfully sporting of him, to let him go get the suit. I’d clock him now.
“You people are so petty, and tiny.”
Colin:
Thor is entertained by your childish quarrels.
“Yeah, this is a team.”
“Agent Romanoff, would you escort Dr. Banner back to his –”
“Where? You’re renting my room.”
How does he know about the cell? Why did you broadcast Loki to the entire ship? The fact that you showed that to him means you weren’t manipulating him.
“The cell was just–”
“In case you needed to kill me. But you can’t! I know, I tried.”
That line would have meant something if you fucking SHOWED IT in that movie.
Or maybe it means more now than it should and you’re compromising on poor decisions made earlier. Either way, shame on you.
“I got low, I didn’t see an end, so I put a bullet in my mouth and the other guy spit it out.
Colin:
That got dark. Now we’re onto suicide? Why couldn’t he have been properly pissed and suspicious earlier?
“So I moved on, I focused on helping other people. I was good until you dragged me back into this freak show and put everyone here at risk.”
“You wanna know my secret, Agent Romanoff?”
“You wanna know how I stay calm?”
Colin:
Change the score behind this moment and it’s not nearly as threatening. It’s just sad.
“Dr. Banner. Put down the scepter.”
Colin:
For those of you who don’t know, that’s how you get Mike to stop touching himself in public.
Correction. “Try to” get me to stop.
“Sorry, kids. You don’t get to see my party trick after all.”
“Located the Tesseract?”
“I can get there faster.”
“The Tesseract belongs on Asgard, no human is a match for it.”
He’s the only one that makes sense here.
“You’re not going alone!”
“You gonna stop me?”
“Put on the suit, let’s find out.”
“I’m not afraid to hit an old man.”
“Put on the suit.”
Colin:
I’m also not afraid to hit an old man.
“Oh, my God.”
Colin:
That little alert went off and I immediately remembered George Lopez shooting the alarm clock.
How are none of them dead? And how did that hit the exact right spot?
Yeah, okay.
Colin:
Remember how in my version of this movie, there would just be an explosion? That’d be much better.
“Put on the suit!”
“Yep.”
This reminds me of the heyday of the 80s action movie, with people running around corridors during an attack.
So an engine is down, but they can’t go out and repair it, and if another goes down, they go down.
Colin:
What’s the matter? Is it in South Jersey or something?
“Somebody’s gotta get outside and patch that engine.”
Is that the Galaga guy?
“Stark, did you copy that?”
“I’m on it.”
Colin:
Samuel sounds like he’s in pain. Like Jamie Foxx shot him or something.
Coulson’s gotta shut down all the trash compactors on the detention level.
Colin:
Also, this thing has a “detention level?” Let me guess, someone has to get down there and shut off all the garbage mashers?
“Romanov?”
“I’m okay.”
Colin:
Her leg is pinned, but apparently not broken cause she does acrobatics later. So explain to me how this 110 lb. woman doesn’t have her leg SNAPPED by whatever is pinning her? And by the way, you’re SUPER not okay. We all know what this was.
“We’re okay, right?”
Colin:
Jeremy Renner shows up with his goon squad, which isn’t really interesting because we’ve already spent so much time with them on their way here in the plane, you’d think we were watching The Longest Day. Which is what I’m now having, pausing every few seconds to write about this movie painstakingly. The longest day.
“Engine three. I’ll meet you there.”
How do you both know where engine three is?
Phone activated suit.
Nice. Send the other guy away, because I guess that’ll make him even angrier?
“Doctor. Bruce, you gotta fight. This is just what Loki wants. We’re gonna be okay. Listen to me.”
“I swear on my life I will get you out of this, you will walk away, and never…”
“Your life?”
Colin:
YOUR LIFE?! I dunno what that was. Unless he was gonna say something cold like how he was gonna take her life.
You’re gonna get Hulk raped.
Was that supposed to be him realizing she’s in danger before he loses it?
Colin:
He pops, still wearing stretchy pants, I guess. Was he in stretchy pants?
They should hire him to do a jorts ad.
Thought you could control it. Shouldn’t you not be seeing her as a threat?
Yes, turn around while running from the monster. That’s always smart.
Colin:
This is all shot in the dark, so it’s little improved from the Hulk movie scenes. I only like Hulk at all later when he’s in daylight.
Not sure how this was accomplished directly by you, but okay.
Fury wants to go to the water.
SAG card says navigation systems are still recalibrating.
“Is the sun coming up?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Then put it on the left.”
Colin:
“Morons. I’ve got morons on my team.” The words of Strother Martin will always serve you in times of need. This guy is an idiot. I know you can find the cardinal directions based on the sun. You MUST be able to. You’re charged with some sort of navigation or pilot-related duties on a naval/aerial vessel. If you can’t do that, you should be fired on the spot. And punched.
Oh good. Bane.
“Stark!”
“Stark, I’m here.”
“Good, let’s see what we’ve got.”
Colin:
They have to fix this thing in the air and fight people. Obviously, the team has to be split into its logical groups. Stark and Rogers have to bond cause they hate each other. And Romanoff is the one who goes with Hulk because he’s suspicious and she’s the smooth talker. Thor’s the free agent. He deals with everyone.
And no one. Cause he can basically do whatever he wants and solve this entire crisis if he gets there in time.
“I gotta get this super conducting cooling system back online before I can access the rotors and work on dislodging the debris.”
You guys remember Sherlock Holmes?
This is like House
“I need you to get to that engine control panel and tell me which relays are in overload position.”
What?
He’s the best.
“What’s it look like in there?”
“It seems to run on some form of electricity.”
“Well, you’re not wrong.”
Jurassic Park.
(PUT IN THE VELOCIRAPTORS)
Remember when he told you he put a bullet in his own head and it didn’t work? Why do you have a gun out right now?
Colin:
She’s an expert on awareness and super quiet. He’s an elephant-sized green man in a cramped, metal space. You aren’t telling us he was able to get the drop on her.
Well that accomplished nothing.
Maybe don’t run around if you want this thing to stay in tact.
Colin:
Be careful running through this compartment. Some things in here don’t react well to Hulks.
Chariots of Fire.
Rape.
Chariots of Rape.
This is what happens when the meatloaf is cold.
Well who the fuck else would it be?
You seem like you would enjoy this type of fight.
This is for all those people who kept saying, “Who would win in a fight?”
Colin:
I really don’t understand how Thor works. He gets super strength, but is that natural, or is that some magic/science? And if so, what’s the science part of it? They never explain this stuff. Also, has he been alive for thousands of years?
“We’re not your enemies, Banner. Try to think.”
That’s funny. “Try not to be a Neanderthal for just a second.”
Thought about it.
He’s gonna be Thor after that.
Nope. No shame. Thought it could happen. Nope.
“Okay, the relays are in tact.”
What? Really? Just because you cut away means he somehow figured out technology? You assume Stark walked him through it, but that’s a pretty big plothole to just leave open like that.
“What’s our next move?”
“Even if I clear the rotors, this thing won’t re-engage without a jump.”
“I’m gonna have to get in there and push.”
“See that red lever?”
FUCK YOU.
I know what you’re doing, but to reduce science to a red lever and make a joke about it is unacceptable.
“It’ll slow the rotors down long enough for me to get out. Stand by it, wait for my word.”
Colin:
Good thing that red lever wasn’t blown up like everything next to it, huh?
YES!
Take a drink every time he tally hos in these movies.
“What that smell like?”
That might be the best out of context shots in this entire movie.
What have those fingers been in during the 50 minutes you weren’t in this movie?
Yup. Take your time, hammer.
It’s on its way.
Getting mjolnir-er and nearer.
Why is Hulk not killing him right now?
Colin:
Mjolnir took out like 12 guys on its way here. They were good guys. Oops.
Colin:
That’s just Accio. I like how long it was getting there, too. We got this lovely moment of him kneeling like a jerk.
Tuesday.
Colin:
What are they doing with a Harrier? That’s a British plane that we’ve helped develop variants of, but it’s kinda weird seeing one here. Like, the original Harrier was all-British and flew in 1967. One of them was featured in The Living Daylights. This version looks exactly the same, even though it’s newer and jointly developed by Boeing. But this is The Avengers. This movie is F-22s and F-35s and crazy nonexistent hover planes. A Harrier in this movie is out of place.
Colin:
He can’t pick it up. Knock him down and leave the hammer on him til he passes out. Done.
Her purpose is literally just to walk around.
“GRENADE!”
Colin:
A HAH HAH. She just got popped in the face with that explosion. Hate to break it, but you got grenAIDS.
That’s a broken skull.
A HA HA HA.
That would totally be me.
“Aww, what? Oh, I got this. … Is everybody looking away? Peace! Imma shoot them from a sniper’s nest. Bye, bitches!”
Colin:
Whoa, there, Sammy. Now YOU shot Marvin in the face.
Yeah, that’s not a proper head injury look.
A HA HA HA. That shot was AWESOME.
YOINK!
This might be my favorite shot in the movie.
They gotta get the Hulk’s attention.
Colin:
So she sends a plane over to distract Hulk, which means we’re about to move around AGAIN. Action can only really take place for 30 seconds in any one place.
“Target acquired.”
“Target is angry.”
Colin:
“Target angry?” Are you SHITTING me? Who wrote that? I wanna pull a Les Grossman and have whoever is nearest the guy who wrote that line punch him REALLY hard.
So you need to get back on that thing somehow.
Well that’s fortunate that your shoot opened after being Hulk-handled like that.
Colin:
Hulk caught the guy, but you can’t harm him because then we’d be upset and horrified at Hulk, and we can’t have any excuse to work through more challenging issues or obstacles than we’ve been given. How about some friendly fire to make us feel a bit conflicted?
This is all just like that one Twilight moment I was pissed about (one among EVERY other moment in the franchise), when Edward had his flashback about killing people and explained how they were all murderers and rapists and stuff. No, it couldn’t be that he’d shown any real weakness or given us any real cause to question his character. It was the character arc version of a humble brag, and I summed it up with the line, “In my moment of weakness, I was Batman.”
You can’t try to convince us that these characters are unhinged and dangerous to everyone when the action unfolding contradicts that. Hulk is rampaging in a giant, very flammable, flying aircraft carrier full of little people. None of them are killed or even really harmed in his rampage? He doesn’t even hurt this pilot? Give us something to work with! You can’t just give collateral damage a pass until he comes around! YOU TAKE NO CHANCES.
With Iron Man, there were people being killed as a direct result of Tony’s company and his weapons. He deals with that, and it motivates him to do good. Now, Stark is talking about Banner learning to deal with it and harnessing the Hulk, but Hulk doesn’t isn’t faced with the human collateral damage he’s responsible for because there is none. He just goes from a mindless Hulk to a mindful Hulk somewhere on his motorcycle ride.
“And now that we don’t need Hulk anymore…”
Hope you don’t have epilepsy!
FUCK YO GRENADE!