Fun with Franchises: The Marvel Universe – The Avengers (2012), Part IV — “I Don’t Like Villains Who Don’t Have Drinks”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is The Avengers.

Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.

We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.

We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.

Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.

Right now, we’re doing the Marvel Universe, and today is the fourth part of The Avengers.

The Avengers - Title Card

We begin Part IV at what should be the end of act II, but really isn’t.

The Avengers - 1704

“These were in Phil Coulson’s jacket.”

Would have been way better if it were a bunch of condoms.

The Avengers - 1705

“Guess he never did get you to sign them.”

Would have been way better if it were a bunch of condoms.

The Avengers - 1706

“We’re dead in the air up here. Our communications, location of the cube, Banner, Thor.”

What? You didn’t bring Banner and Thor back with a simple cut like everything else?

Also, he just sort of tossed those in there. Like, “Oh, you tried to ford the river and it didn’t work. You lost 80 pounds of food, 12 pairs of clothing, two axles, one oxen, and Dave.”

Not to mention — one of those people you lost… FLIES. Pretty sure he’ll come back.

The Avengers - 1707

“I got nothing for you.”

Me neither, movie. Me neither.

The Avengers - 1708

“Lost my one good eye.”


He really just said that. He REALLY just said that. Apparently, we’ve gotten to the point where characters are just announcing their own tropes. “I’m the one who doesn’t work well with others but later makes a sacrifice that nobody expects!” “I’m the one who can’t trust people, but when I realize it’s really myself I can’t trust, my problems are solved!” “I’m the one with only one eye!” “I’m the one who dies and whose death helps the team rally against evil!”

The Avengers - 1709

“Maybe I had that coming. Yes. We were going to build an arsenal with the Tesseract. I never put all my chips on that number though, because I was playing something even riskier.”

This is some interesting logic. “We were gonna use space technology to create a bunch of weapons to fight aliens. But that seemed like a dicey proposition, so I tried something even crazier.” Which was something not that crazy at all. Apparently the  “something riskier” was having your boy killed just to get a bunch of egotistical assholes to work together.


Here’s the thing about this – he’s dead. But then it’s hinted that he’s not. But then they’re like, no, he’s totally dead. And then they wanted to have this stupid show about him, so they had to bring him back, so they created this crazy story about how he was dead for days and Fury basically pulled a Frankenstein and then manipulated his brain to bring him back, because man love I guess.

The one time Marvel was daring enough to actually kill off a good guy whose name we know, they later recanted because money and television. Guys, if you’re going to money-grab (and Marvel is like the Anna Nicole Smith of franchises, so yeah, that’s a safe bet), just stick to choices that you know you’ll be okay with. Surprise surprise, that tends to lead to bad movies.

But it’s almost worse when you make a bad universe that then doesn’t accept its own conclusions. Most people won’t care about that because they just want to have characters do stuff, so if a character becomes un-killed, whatever, right? That doesn’t at all ruin the threat or tension of any other characters dying. This might as well be Everybody Loves Raymond. How’s Ray getting out of THIS one, you may ask. I don’t even know what the shit I’m talking about anymore.

The Avengers - 1710

“There was an idea, Stark knows this, called The Avengers Initiative.”

It’s funny how only Stark knows this. Couldn’t tell Banner. Stark had to tell Tross instead. Can’t tell Thor, he’s in space. So pretty much all that leaves is Rogers, and I guess you just don’t tell him anything, do you?

‘The idea was to bring together a group of remarkable people, see if they could become something more. See if they could work together when we needed them to, to fight the battles that we never could.”


So Sammy does exactly what Coulson told him to do. It’s almost like we get to read the storyboard first and then watch it happen.

The Avengers - 1711

“Phil Coulson died still believing in that idea, in heroes.”


Wait, you mean in the massive gunfight with explosions and plane crashes and arrows and grenades, someone was KILLED? Nobody told me this was going to be for real, you guys.

The Avengers - 1712

“Well, it’s an old fashioned notion.”


Why is THIS the melancholy? You can’t substitute characters for audience. You know, this is a rare phenomenon in film, at least for me. Usually, there’s a disconnect when the characters are exhibiting emotions that the audience isn’t feeling because they aren’t invested. Here, we have the opposite, where the audience has been tricked into feeling bummed, and the characters and the script is clearly riding that to match the audience’s tone.

Right now, all we’re supposed to care about is poor Phil, because whatever. In most movies, there’s a moment to choke back tears and then everyone accepts that this is war and they get back to their jobs. Rogers would be calling the next play already. They’re treating Coulson like a dead child. He’s a dead child. Nobody mourns like this unless it’s the dead kid who was sweet and never hurt anyone.

They even throw in the trading card thing as a kicker. This isn’t natural. It’s coming from the audience’s projections, not from a logical progression in the script.

That’s exactly what this is, though. They have no reason to feel bad, no real emotional attachment to Coulson. The only one who maybe should is Stark, and even then, not really. This is all manufactured garbage. No one should be feeling bad. You also shouldn’t have been assholes to each other to begin with. It’s incredible that people think this is a good movie.

The Avengers - 1713


A jacked man in a meadow. I’m having Twilight flashbacks. They come and go.

Maybe he’ll try to jizz on a baby.

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The Avengers - 1715

The Avengers - 1716

The Avengers - 1717


I don’t know if that was him hesitating or him being unable to pick it up. He was just able to use it. What was that moment?

I have no idea. It’s funny, now having seen Age of Ultron. How this is basically Thor’s “arc” in these movies. He shows up, can easily take out almost any threat, then goes off to have some kind of a revelatory experience, and then somehow never is involved enough in the fighting to end it as quickly as he can. In the second one he literally goes off to take a bath for half the movie and then comes back with answers.

The Avengers - 1718

Talk about Tuesday.

The Avengers - 1719

“You fell out of the sky.”

The Avengers - 1720


“Did I hurt anybody?”

The Avengers - 1721

“There’s nobody around here to get hurt. You did scare the hell out of some pigeons though.”


“Or just good aim. You were awake when you fell.”

Are you implying that the Hulk understands collateral damage?

The Avengers - 1722

“You saw?”

“The whole thing, right through the ceiling. Big and green and buck ass nude.”

Why buck ass nude? He had pants on.

The Avengers - 1723

“You an alien?”


“From outer space, an alien?”


“Well then, son. You’ve got a condition.”


This is my favorite character in the movie. This old guy. He’s totally unphased by what’s happening. He talks like he’s seen everything. “You an alien?” He’s seen everything but Jesus, no how. That’s awesome. He doesn’t care, he just watched til Banner shrunk down (and during the day, too. Did he pass out?) and came over with some pants without worrying about what the hell just happened or whether he’d get clocked. I love this guy.

The Avengers - 1724

Aww shit, I’m trippin’ off acid!

The Avengers - 1725

The Avengers - 1726

“Clint, You’re gonna be alright.”

His name is Clint.

The Avengers - 1727

“You know that? Is that what you know?”


What is THIS scene? I forgot about this, I guess. Is she gonna pull him out of mind control? Why can’t there be more stuff like THIS? It’s shot weirdly, and it features dialogue. I’ll take it.

The Avengers - 1728

So what? A concussion breaks him free? That’s it? That scepter is pretty weak, then.

Or maybe it’s that humans are pretty weak.

“You gotta level out, it’s gonna take time.”

The Avengers - 1729

Aww, what happened to the ecstasy lighting?

The Avengers - 1730

“Have you ever had someone take your brain and play?”

Like, jai alai?

The Avengers - 1731

“Pull you out and stuff something else in? Do you know what it’s like to be unmade?”

Technically he wasn’t pulled out, because he was aware. He was just pushed to the side. Kinda like running in unSafe Mode.

The Avengers - 1732

“You know that I do.”


They don’t get into her backstory, so we just have to accept that she’s complicated and has a connection with him because they were both messed up in the head and know how to fight and stuff.

The Avengers - 1733

“Why am I back? How did you get him out?”

“Cognitive recalibration. I hit you really hard in the head.”


Why do people praise this movie when they’re deliberately giving substandard explanations for things?

The Avengers - 1734

“How many agents?”

“Don’t. Don’t do that to yourself, Clint. This is Loki. This is monsters and magic and nothing we were ever trained for.”

Wait, what? “How many people did I kill?” “Don’t do that to yourself.” No, but seriously, how many people did he kill? Because I watched that entire sequence, and apparently only one person died. Why are we not mourning for the rest of them? Why don’t we even know how many of them died?

Also, way to explain multiple homicide by magic. Try that one in court.

“Loki, he got away?”

Nah, he’s in the shitter.

“Yeah. I don’t suppose you know where.”

“I didn’t need to know. I didn’t ask.”

Mustn’t ask us, not its business.

The Avengers - 1735

“He’s gonna make his play soon though. Today.”


Well, shit. The good part of the scene ended really fast and now we’re back to exposition. Damn.

What I don’t get is, “I don’t know where he went, but he is gonna do it today.” Why the fuck would you know that and not the other thing?

“We gotta stop him.”

“Yeah? Who’s we?”

“I don’t know. Whoever‘s left.”

Shaq? Shaq’s left. Can Shaq be an Avenger?

He’s even got superhero names! The Big Aristotle.

The Avengers - 1736

“Well, if I put an arrow in Loki’s eye socket, I’d sleep better I suppose.”

What if you put one in his arm? Will that not help the sleeping?

“Now you sound like you.”

This dialogue is shitty.

“But you don’t. You’re a spy, not a soldier. Now you want to wade into a war. Why? What did Loki do to you?”

Nothing. We just need dialogue.

The Avengers - 1737

“He didn’t, I just…”


They lay this love story on so thick, and then they’re not together, are they? For whatever reason, they had to make it obvious and then never follow through so we could have the will-they-won’t-they tension. Here’s a hint, folks. They will. Just not now. You need to wait. Waiting for these super obvious plot developments is sort of like finishing your Pokedex in a Pokemon game. A lot of people would never bother because what happens after all that time spent? You get nothing but the knowledge you got to the end and whatever satisfaction that brings for a few moments. So we’ll know that these two will either be together eventually or one will be killed to make audiences more riled up. Or both.

The Avengers - 1738

“I’ve been compromised. I got red in my ledger, I’d like to wipe it out.”


She’s got red in her hair that I’d like to wipe out.

I really don’t like the repetition of the “red in my ledger” line. Plus it doesn’t even make sense. “I committed genocide in my 20s. I want to wipe it out. So now I’m gonna help the other side.” No, that’s not how it works. That shit just doesn’t get expunged.

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The Avengers - 1740

“Was he married?”

“There was a, uhh… cellist, I think.”


Not sure how I’d feel about dating a cellist. Yeah, probably okay. As long as I could call her Yo Yo Mama.

“Sorry. He seemed like a good man.”

“He was an idiot.”

“Why? For believing?”

For taking on an alien god with a gun and talking instead of shooting.

The Avengers - 1741

“For taking on Loki alone.”

“He was doing his job.”

“He was out of his league. He should have waited. He should have…”


Aww. Phil’s dead, remember? Let’s talk about stuff.

The Avengers - 1742

“Sometimes there isn’t a way out, Tony.”

Which is everything he hopes and dreams for. The Ejacu-sacrifice.

“Right. How did that work for him?”

“Is this the first time you’ve lost a soldier?”


Also, Tony better fucking not say yes here. Like ten soldiers died at the beginning of his first movie.

The Avengers - 1743

“We are not soldiers! I’m not marching to Fury’s fife.”


See, you say that, but…Captain America’s a soldier.

We Were Soldiers.

Though really… what is Captain America now? It seems like he’s fresh off the ice, so they’re leaving him to his thing, and then he just goes back to running missions for them because he’s got nothing else to do.

The Avengers - 1744

“Neither am I. He’s got the same blood on his hands that Loki does, but right now we gotta put that behind us and get this done. Now Loki needs a power source, if we can put together a list…”

That’s funny. “Fury’s just as fucked up as Loki. But that’s not important right now. We gotta get shit done.” We’re both way past the point of that kind of logic, and also — that’s what you should have done in the first place.

The Avengers - 1745

“He made it personal.”

That’s not a list. And why would you make a list?

“That’s not the point.”

“That is the point. That’s Loki’s point.”

“He hit us all right where we live. Why?”

There’s your list, by the way.

That’s the problem with villains. They’re too calculated. Your shit has to be random. That’s how you win. Rather than deliberately trying to fuck with them and doing this at Stark Tower (even though Stark has nothing to do with any of your shit), if you did that shit in like, Lincoln, ain’t no one gonna see it coming, and you could march the entire army into there before anyone came by.

“To tear us apart.”


This is not revelatory either. Is Loki’s desire to defeat the Avengers supposed to be a plot twist? “Here’s the interesting thing about this game, though – the Giants are actually trying to beat the Patriots.” Where do they come up with this stuff?

Still don’t know why he cares about the Avengers, who were only a hypothetical to begin with. His meddling actually created the team. It’s kinda like Coulson said. He lacks conviction. Very self-defeatist. It’s like he wants to lose.

The Avengers - 1746

“Yeah, divide and conquer’s great but, he knows he has to take us out to win, right? That’s what he wants. He wants to beat us, he wants to be seen doing it – he wants an audience.”


The Avengers - 1747

“Right. I caught his act in Stuttgart.”

“Yeah. That’s just previews, this is… this is opening night.”

Is this where they realize it’s not sarcoidosis because of some random thing the person said eight minutes into the episode?

The Avengers - 1748

“And Loki, he’s a full-tail diva. He wants flowers, he wants parades, he wants a monument built to the skies with his name plastered –”

The Avengers - 1749

The Avengers - 1750

“Son of a bitch.”


We’re going to Stark Tower because these big movies all have to end in a major American city that gets torn up by aliens while people yell at Optimus Prime.

The Avengers - 1751

How’d you get up there?

Security breach, indeed.

That one IS on Pepper.

The Avengers - 1752

Seriously, though, how’d you get up there?

The Avengers - 1753

“Time to go.”

The Avengers - 1754

“Go where?”

“I’ll tell you on the way. Can you fly one of those jets?”


Also, go where? Where the fuck do you think you’re going?

The Avengers - 1755

“I can.”


He’s coming out of the bathroom. We catching them on the tail end of a quickie, or what?

The Avengers - 1756

The Avengers - 1757

That’s it? A nod? “He’s cool.” And you just believe her?

The Avengers - 1758

“You got a suit?”


“Then suit up.”

Reservoir Avengers.

The Avengers - 1759

The Avengers - 1760


Thor’s been chilling in this meadow for like 4 hours. Contemplating the mayfly and shit. Oh, everyone else is getting read. Pick up the hammer, I guess!

They missed the boat on a scene where he’s just looking at the hammer and someone walks by and stares at him, wondering what he’s doing. And then the person just slowly walks across the entire meadow for like, two minutes, while Thor just stands there.

Trust me, it would have been more entertaining than that bullshit night fight in the forest.

The Avengers - 1761

The Avengers - 1762

The Avengers - 1763

The Avengers - 1764

Okay, close ups of weapons.

The Avengers - 1765

The Avengers - 1766


Stark had to fix his shit? Can he do that quickly enough? What am I saying, of course he can.

The Avengers - 1767

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The Avengers - 1770


Thor’s shooting up lightning, cause he’s a thunder god and watch out, assholes. There’s really no reason for this at all.

None. At least the imagery here is cool. Rather than the stupid interior of a giant helicarrier.

The Avengers - 1771

This looks exactly like the shot in Deathly Hallows 2 with the three of them walking through the train station in London.

And Renner is totally the Ron of this scenario.

The Avengers - 1772

Too many shots of people walking in slo mo toward the camera.

The Avengers - 1773

Was he doing this for an hour? I’m so confused what’s happening right now.

The Avengers - 1774

The Avengers - 1775

The Avengers - 1776

“Hey, you guys aren’t authorized to be in here.”

Maybe you should have told them that during the three minutes they spent walking right up to you.

The Avengers - 1777

“Son, just don’t.”


He can call him ‘son,’ cause he’s old as hell. At this point, he’s 91.

But also, that worked? They just allow them to take this?

The Avengers - 1778

“It’s working.”

The Avengers - 1779

“Agent Hill.”

The Avengers - 1780

“Those cards.”

The Avengers - 1781

“They were in Coulson’s locker, not his jacket.”

How do you know that?


Her line is way too clumsy and expository. You don’t tell him that cause he knows. This is one of those lines that sticks out as only for the benefit of the audience.

The Avengers - 1782

“They needed the push.”

Where’d you get the blood?

The Avengers - 1783

“They found it.”

That’s a pretty pointless push. You’d really think the destruction of the world would have been push enough.

The Avengers - 1784

The Avengers - 1785

“Get our communications back up whatever you have to do. I want eyes on everything.”

Were they not doing whatever they had to do before?

Does this imply they are now doing illegal stuff to get back online? Or does that mean, “Put a guy between the two wires to retain connectivity?”


Wait, you gave the order to get comms back up NOW? Have you been standing here staring at these trading cards for the last several hours as systems remain down? Am I the only one who’s noticed that several characters, including Thor and Fury, have been literally standing around doing nothing for hours at a time here while Rogers changed clothes, Banner woke up from Hulk sleep, Romanoff debriefs and THEN debriefs Barton, and Stark does smithy work on his suit?

The Avengers - 1786

The Avengers - 1787

So was this part of the plan? Or did Stark go do his own thing again?

The Avengers - 1788

The Avengers - 1789

Does his watch still work? I feel like that thing would totally fuck up his watch.

The Avengers - 1790

The Avengers - 1791

“Sir, I’ve turned off the Arc reactor. The device is already self-sustaining.”


This suit looks buggy. Is he going into battle with that? He gets another one, right? That must be why he comes back first. I’m blanking on this part of the movie.

How and why is the device already self-sustaining? How much power did they take from his reactor?

The Avengers - 1792

“Shut it down, Dr. Selvig.”

The Avengers - 1793

“It’s too late. It can’t stop now.”

The Avengers - 1794

“He wants to show us something! A new universe.”

The way of the future.


Stellan! Can you tell the engineer to go to 115 percent on the reactor, for old times’ sake?

The Avengers - 1795


The Avengers - 1796

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The Avengers - 1798

Okay. You all heard that.

The Avengers - 1799

The Avengers - 1800

“The barrier is pure energy. It’s unbreachable.”

“Yeah I got that.”

The Avengers - 1801

The Avengers - 1802

Great shot. This looks like a shot you’d see of Kim Jong-un in a propaganda ad.

The Avengers - 1803

“Plan B.”

The Avengers - 1804

“Sir, the Mark 7 is not ready for deployment.”

I like how Jarvis just knows.

“Then skip the spinning rims, we’re on the clock.”

Because he would put spinning rims on it.

The Avengers - 1805

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The Avengers - 1807

I like this confrontation. No words, just walking.

The Avengers - 1808

“Please tell me you’re going to appeal to my humanity.”


I like how it’s just a pimp cane, really.

I like how he’s actively talking about tropes.

“Please tell me you’re gonna try to reason with me, not realizing I’m gonna kill everyone anyway.”

The Avengers - 1809

“Uh, actually, I’m planning to threaten you.”

“You should have left your armor on for that.”

The Avengers - 1810

“Yeah, it’s seen a bit of mileage… you’ve got the blue stick of destiny. Would you like a drink?”

The Avengers - 1811

That’s the face for “would you like a drink?”

“Stalling me won’t change anything.”


I was looking at the Chrysler Building.

The Avengers - 1812

“No, no, no! Threatening. No drink? You sure? I’m having one.”


Who’s not having a drink? I’m having one too. I don’t like villains who don’t have drinks.

I Don’t Like Villains Who Don’t Have Drinks

The Avengers - 1813

“The Chitauri are coming. Nothing will change that. What have I to fear?”

Fear itself?

The hammer?

The Avengers - 1814

“The Avengers.”

And… credits.

The Avengers - 1815

The Avengers - 1816

“It’s what we call ourselves, sort of like a team. Earth’s Mightiest Heroes, type of thing.”

“Yes, I’ve met them.”

The Avengers - 1817

“Yeah, takes us a while to get any traction, I’ll give you that one. But, let’s do a head count here. Your brother, the demi-God.”

The Avengers - 1818

“The super soldier, the living legend who kind of lives up to the legend.”

The Avengers - 1819

The Avengers - 1820

“A man with breathtaking anger management issues, a couple of master assassins.”

The Avengers - 1821

“And you, big fella, you’ve managed to piss off every single one of them.”


This should be the best straight dialogue scene in the movie. Hiddleston is good, and Downey…well, we all know he’s the best thing in this franchise.

The Avengers - 1822

“That was the plan.”

“Not a great plan.”

The Avengers - 1823

“When they come, and they will, they’ll come for you.”

The Avengers - 1824

“I have an army.”

The Avengers - 1825

“We have a Hulk.”


Not a great line. Don’t do that line. That’s a fanboy line.

Also, you don’t have a Hulk. You have no idea where the fuck he is.

The Avengers - 1826

“I thought the beast had wandered off.”


The Avengers - 1827

“You’re missing the point. There’s no throne, there is no version of this, where you come out on top. Maybe your army comes and maybe it’s too much for us, but it’s all on you.”

Does he know about Thanos’ plan? Because otherwise, I don’t get the logic.

The Avengers - 1828

“Because if we can’t protect the Earth, you can be damned well sure we’ll avenge it.”

And… credits.

The Avengers - 1829

Or… and, booze!

The Avengers - 1830

“How will your friends have time for me, when they’re so busy fighting you?”

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The Avengers - 1837

“This usually works.”


Joke moment, cause he doesn’t have a conventional heart right there. Someone on the wiki tried to make the case that the reason it doesn’t work is because the arc reactor containing the new element is similar to the Tesseract energy in the staff, and that the whole “it can’t fight itself” thing protected Stark. No. That point was made to show why the barrier couldn’t DEFEND from the staff.

The reason this mind control doesn’t work is because his staff is hitting glass or whatever. It’s not Stark, it’s just some hardware. Very simple. Don’t read too much into it. Nerds.

The Avengers - 1838

“Well, performance issues. You know—”

The Avengers - 1839

The Avengers - 1840

“Not uncommon. Why not a five?”

The Avengers - 1841

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The Avengers - 1843

“Jarvis, anytime now.”

The Avengers - 1844

“You will all fall before me.”

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The Avengers - 1859

The beauty of him is that there are endless ways to come up with that he can put on the suit.


That’s a good trick, and it is incremental improvement. I approve of Roman numerals. The Mk. VII and stuff.

The Avengers - 1860

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The Avengers - 1869

“And there’s one other person you pissed off! His name is Phil.”

The Avengers - 1870

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These jerks were waiting this whole time, with nothing better to do. No scrambling of the jets or anything. They’re right there waiting exactly where the portal opens up. 

The Avengers - 1884

“Right. Army.”

The Avengers - 1885


Oh, cool. His HUD changed. I like HUD changes. Where’s Rhodey during all of this? No War Machine? No contact with the US military? He should be getting phone calls or something. 

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The Avengers - 1896


That’s a lot of little shoulder missiles. All of these things get used up, though, because something new needs to be happening with him every time we see him. He’s the one who always has something different going on. Hulk, he hits stuff. A lot of them just hit stuff.

The Avengers - 1897

How do you reload that suit?

The Avengers - 1898

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The Avengers - 1903

The fuck?

The Avengers - 1904

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The Avengers - 1913


I like the shot inside the cab as it flips. Good shot there.

The Avengers - 1914

The Avengers - 1915

The Avengers - 1916

Training exercise.


Still haven’t seen a dead person.

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The Avengers - 1922

The Avengers - 1923

“Turn off the Tesseract or I’ll destroy it!”

The Avengers - 1924

“You can’t. There is no stopping it. There is only the war!”

The Avengers - 1925

“So be it.”


If you’re not Palpatine and you utter the words ‘so be it,’ you’d better come correct.

The Avengers - 1926

The Avengers - 1927

The Avengers - 1928

The Avengers - 1929

The Avengers - 1930

The Avengers - 1931

The Avengers - 1932

The Avengers - 1933

The Avengers - 1934

The Avengers - 1935

The Avengers - 1936


We lingered on that falling letter a little too long, don’t you think?

The Avengers - 1937

Those people are dead.

The Avengers - 1938

Always, in these movies, do they show us this.

The Avengers - 1939

“Stark, we’re on your three, heading north east.”

The Avengers - 1940

Look at that photo of her.

“What, did you stop for drive-through? Swing up Park, I’m gonna lay ‘em out for you.”

The Avengers - 1941

The Avengers - 1942

The Avengers - 1943

The Avengers - 1944


What is there to say about this kind of action? You get to this point in any Marvel movie and these articles shut right down.

The Avengers - 1945

The Avengers - 1946


The bizarre hover plane arrives and shoots buildings with a minigun.

The Avengers - 1947

The Avengers - 1948

The Avengers - 1949

The Avengers - 1950

The Avengers - 1951

The Avengers - 1952

The Avengers - 1953

The Avengers - 1954

The Avengers - 1955


That was stupid, that they weren’t planning to be shot at by someone right effing there. 

The Avengers - 1956

The Avengers - 1957


Fake GoPro shot.

The Avengers - 1958

The Avengers - 1959

The Avengers - 1960

The Avengers - 1961

The Avengers - 1962

The Avengers - 1963

The Avengers - 1964


So nobody gets hurt, no civilians are crushed or even wounded…the canopy isn’t even broken by the tons of concrete fragments that are kicked up in this crash landing.

The Avengers - 1965

The Avengers - 1966

The Avengers - 1967

The Avengers - 1968

Quick, run past the product placement!

The Avengers - 1969

The Avengers - 1970

The Avengers - 1971


The score changed, which means more stuff is coming.

The Avengers - 1972

The Avengers - 1973

The Avengers - 1974

The Avengers - 1975

The Avengers - 1976

The Avengers - 1977

The Avengers - 1978

The Avengers - 1979

Giant space snake.


And that’s….that’s not close enough to a space Onix. I’m sorry, I only accept giant rock snakes. Because how could you miss?

The Avengers - 1980


In fact, this isn’t close enough to any Pokemon. Boo.

The Avengers - 1981


So this small army arrives and goons pop out of the giant non-Pokemon. They don’t have any kind of numbers, and they’re trying to take over New York City before taking over the rest of the world? You don’t take New York City by rappelling into an office building and shooting up a WALL. I’m not seeing casualties yet.

The Avengers - 1982

The Avengers - 1983

The Avengers - 1984

Fuck your efficiency numbers!

The Avengers - 1985

“Stark, are you seeing this?”

The Avengers - 1986

The Avengers - 1987

The Avengers - 1988

“Seeing. Still working on believing. Where’s Banner? Has he shown up yet?”

The Avengers - 1989

“Jarvis, find me a soft spot.”


I want to give my robot butler orders like that. So much of his badassery is passive because the suit has JARVIS, developed before the suit was invented. The suit without JARVIS? Severely limited. JARVIS without the suit? Still an awesome AI butler around the house.

The Avengers - 1990

“Look at this.”

The Avengers - 1991

And, we’re looking.

“Look around you. You think this madness will end with your rule?”

The Avengers - 1992

“It’s too late. It’s too late to stop it.”

The Avengers - 1993

“No. We can, together.”

The Avengers - 1994


The Avengers - 1995

The Avengers - 1996


“Join me!” *STAB*

The Avengers - 1997


Wait, how do you stab someone and then NOT show their stabbed face clearly? That was a wasted stabbing if I’ve ever seen one.

The Avengers - 1998

The Avengers - 1999

The Avengers - 2000

The Avengers - 2001

The Avengers - 2002

The Avengers - 2003

The Avengers - 2004

The Avengers - 2005

The Avengers - 2006

The Avengers - 2007


That was an Aladdin level of jumping off a balcony. You can’t just tally ho like that.

The Avengers - 2008

The Avengers - 2009

Sure, just leave your hammer and the scepter just sitting on the floor. What could go wrong there?

The Avengers - 2010

The Avengers - 2011

The Avengers - 2012


You really saw him that fast?

The Avengers - 2013

The Avengers - 2014


Look at all the people not being harmed!

The Avengers - 2015

The Avengers - 2016

The Avengers - 2017

The Avengers - 2018

The Avengers - 2019

The Avengers - 2020

Cap’s worried about the civilians.

The Avengers - 2021

The Avengers - 2022

The Avengers - 2023

“We got this.”

“You think you can hold them off?”

The Avengers - 2024

“Captain, it would be my genuine pleasure.”


Your pleasure? You’re enjoying this? You shouldn’t be enjoying this, even if you do like shooting arrows.

The Avengers - 2025

The Avengers - 2026

The Avengers - 2027

The Avengers - 2028


How about just explosive tipped arrows? Those are better.

The Avengers - 2029

The Avengers - 2030


The Avengers - 2031

The Avengers - 2032

The Avengers - 2033

The Avengers - 2034

The Avengers - 2035

The Avengers - 2036

The Avengers - 2037

The Avengers - 2038

The Avengers - 2039

The Avengers - 2040

The Avengers - 2041

The Avengers - 2042

There’s Renner, sending a chick to his trailer.


He’s helping kids out of a bus. So we’ve fallen to Simon Birch territory.

The Avengers - 2043


Maybe lead with opening the bus door next time.

The Avengers - 2044

The Avengers - 2045

“Just like Budapest all over again.”

The Avengers - 2046

“You and I remember Budapest very differently.”


Doing the movie thing of, “Remember when we were in that place? This is similar to that.” Since it’s Budapest, it might actually have involved falling into a nest of gundarks.

“You remember Budapest? When I fucked you in the ass outside that all-night Denny’s?”

The Avengers - 2047

The Avengers - 2048

The Avengers - 2049

Not Chris Evans.

The Avengers - 2050

The Avengers - 2051

The Avengers - 2052

“It’s gonna be an hour before they can scramble the National Guard?”

“National Guard? Does the army know what’s happening here?”

“Do we?”

The Avengers - 2053

The Avengers - 2054

“You need men in these buildings. There are people inside that can run into the line of fire.”

The Avengers - 2055

The Avengers - 2056

“You take them through the basement or through the subway, you keep them off the streets.”

The Avengers - 2057

“I need a perimeter as far back as 39th.”

The Avengers - 2058

“Why the hell should I take orders from you?”

That’s my NYPD. Fuck you and your fucking costume. Don’t tell me how to run my shit.


I’m betting Mike has some choice words for this moment. These cops were supposed to be angrier about getting orders and yell at Captain America to go back to the costume party. It’s not the question, “Why should I take orders from you?” but rather the statement, “Get the hell out of here and let us do our job, buddy.”

The Avengers - 2059

The Avengers - 2060

The Avengers - 2061

The Avengers - 2062

The Avengers - 2063

The Avengers - 2064

The Avengers - 2065

The Avengers - 2066

The Avengers - 2067

The Avengers - 2068

The Avengers - 2069

The Avengers - 2070

“I need men in those buildings, lead the people down and away from the streets.”


– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow is Part V, and…

2 responses

  1. You know, I am actually not sure if Loki even wanted to succeed. To me it looks like he is either himself under mind-control during the movie (which gets broken for good when Hulk “recalibrates him”) but manages to nearly break free a couple of times, or Thanos seriously messed with his memories, or he is actually playing Thanos and loosing deliberately. But that’s the beauty with Loki, there is always more than meets the eye.

    May 28, 2015 at 2:09 pm

  2. Andrew

    “They have no reason to feel bad, no real emotional attachment to Coulson.”

    In other words, it’s Timothy Dalton crying over Agent Saunders all over again. God, this movie.

    May 28, 2015 at 3:02 pm

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