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Fun with Franchises: The Marvel Universe – The Avengers (2012), Part V — “How Jizz-Soaked Can Nerd Undies Get?”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is The Avengers.

Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.

We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.

We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.

Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.

Right now, we’re doing the Marvel Universe, and today is the fifth and final part of The Avengers.

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We begin Part V in the middle of the action. Which is something Marvel seems to do a lot.

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Colin:

He still had missiles? How many missiles fit in a shoulder?

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What is that in the background? Chitauri things flying? Jets not doing anything to help? Or airplanes circling because they can’t land because of whatever air traffic control problem is going on? Did anyone besides me think that one through?

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I like how freer the camera feels despite the prevalence of CGI. Though I do wish it were a little more free. Like if they maintained that shot a little longer.

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Oh man, Sabrett. They don’t have those on the west coast.

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“Well, we got its attention.”

“Chaff deployed.” There’s a phrase you don’t hear every day.

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“What the hell is step two?”

Oh, so glad Phase Two means nothing now.

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I guess step two is PEACE.

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Sweep the leg.

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You have a bow for a reason.

Animal.

Colin:

Legolas move there, stabbing him with the arrow and then using it.

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Great camera placement.

Colin:

Lots of shots from inside cars, and I’m totally cool with that. You’re too afraid to let your own guys kill civilians, too afraid to let even the bad guys kill civilians and won’t let one of your secondary characters stay dead, so I guess I’ll just be over here trying to the enjoy shots from inside a shot-up yellow cab.

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Bling bling.

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Is that a piledriver?

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Faces.

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Colin:

Arrows…are not super efficient as projectiles go.

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What the hell are these things? They’re almost faceless villains, but on the other hand, they look like if predators were made of metal and sucked at everything.

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Yup. That works on concrete.

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Remember how people thought this was super great and then the next movie followed this exact same formula?

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At this point, I feel like there are more shots of him jumping than there are of him doing everything else.

You’ll say otherwise, but if you only count when he’s in the uniform – I’m not that far off.

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This is that set video that got posted a year early. Them fighting off CGI creatures.

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Why would you get such a shitty army?

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That’s good aim for being miles away.

Colin:

ZAPPED YO DUMB ASS. I figure you can split these guys into two groups – the mutants/super-humans and the regular guys. So, Thor, Banner and Rogers on one side and Stark, Romanoff and Barton on the other. Stark easily wins the regular guy contest, and I think Rogers wins the mutant contest. The question is, are we more interested in Thor or Hulk? I want to say Thor. He has the lightning, he talks like a weirdo…am I way off base?

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I like how they had to essentially write him out of the movie because he can end all of this. It’s the Superman problem. When you can basically beat every threat, what is there to do in a story centered around mortals? He’s already beaten Loki. So they had to figure out a way to include him but not include him. And they’ve succeeded.

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“What’s the story upstairs?”

“The power surrounding the cube is impenetrable.”

“Thor’s right. We gotta deal with these guys.”

Couple of things – they can hear Stark? Bluetooth? How do you have a signal through all of this? Also, so you basically said, “Welp, that thing can stop the onslaught, but we can’t get through, so, fuck it. Let’s just focus on these guys until a solution comes to us. Completely working around logic. Someone should be figuring out a way to get that thing shut off. Granted, this would be the boring subplot of the two comic relief characters who figure it out (think a Bay movie), and they spared us that. But in return, we basically get them saying, “Let’s fight the endless horde of enemies rather than shut off the source and then just kill the finite number of people they have.

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“How do we do this?”

“As a team. I have unfinished business with Loki.”

We’ll do this as a team. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go out on my own and deal with my brother.

Is basically what he just said.

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“Yeah? Get in line.”

No, pretty sure he still wins.

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“Loki’s gonna keep this fight focused on us and that’s what we need. Without him these things could run wild.”

So is he just controlling the hive mind? Is that’s how this is working?

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“We got Stark up top, he’s gonna need us…”

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How’d you get that?

Colin:

I would have been so much happier if he’d shown up on a little girl bike with training wheels and those little plastic things that slide up and down the spokes.

Also, remember when he was naked before? Did he just loot?

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“So, this all seems horrible.”

If you’re referring to the movie, then I agree with you.

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“I’ve seen worse.”

No you haven’t.

I also like how her suit is a onesie, essentially. That seems super inefficient for battle. Easy for sex, bad for battle.

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“Sorry.”

“No, we could use a little worse.”

Define worse.

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“Stark, we got him.”

“Banner?”

“Just like you said.”

One of the worst lines in the history of movies. “Just like you said.” Fuck you. He knows what he said. Also, we didn’t hear him say it. And it would be worse if we did. This is poor writing.

Plus, didn’t he only say that to Banner? If he did say it? Awful.

“Tell him to suit up. I’m bringing the party to you.”

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Colin:

Lens flares, because watch our movie.

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“I don’t see how that’s a party.”

You guys are picky about when to be sarcastic and when to say things like this.

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So what does that thing do now that it’s not deploying guys?

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“Dr. Banner, now might be a good time for you to get angry.”

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“That’s my secret, Cap.”

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“I’m always angry.”

Colin:

How many high fives were given when someone threw out that line in a meeting? Ugh. You’re not always angry. If you were always angry, the first hour of this movie would have been more interesting.

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Yeah, yeah, that was cool and all, but – what?

I know a lot’s been made of the logic in this, but seriously – what?

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Yeah, I don’t think it happens like that.

Colin:

So there’s this law that says force equals mass times accelerat—you know what, never mind.

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Shoot it in its worm vagina!

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Isn’t this how they killed Smaug?

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Yeah, sure, totally fine.

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Those cars have gas tanks.

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Are those guts on the lens?

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Taxes are gonna go way up after this.

Colin:

Gee, good thing not one civilian was hurt when this stupid thing the size of a city block crashed into the ground and exploded and stuff.

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Are they just cheering and booing on the buildings?

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You look like an Egyptian dog with syphilis.

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Colin:

How did Hulk pull it together and join them? Is this ever addressed? He’s fighting them, and gets thrown out of the helicarrier – sorry, jumps out – and then shows up here. He doesn’t even know Coulson is dead. He doesn’t know ANYTHING has changed, other than that Manhattan is on fire and nobody’s being hurt. I have NO idea what transgression led to Banner being able to control his Hulkness.

The Plot.

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This is the money shot we’ve “all” been waiting for.

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“Send the rest.”

Why haven’t you sent them before this?

Colin:

WHY WERE YOU HOLDING THEM BACK?

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Oh yeah, remember when you guys were all like, “Yeah, that portal doesn’t matter, let’s fight these guys”?

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Double party.

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“Call it, Captain.”

Why? Because he has rank?

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“All right, listen up. Until we can close that portal up there, we’re gonna use containment.”

Colin:

Captain America calls the strategy because he’s the most masterful tactician in the world, apparently. I wish there was more of him standing over a large map table with a furrowed brow. I want that in every movie. Map tables and furrowed brows make every movie better. Mean Girls would have been better with map tables and furrowed brows.

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“Barton, I want you on that roof, eyes on everything. Call out patterns and strays.”

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“Stark, you got the perimeter. Anything gets more than three blocks out, you turn it back or you turn it to ash.”

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“Wanna give me a lift?”

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“Better clench up, Legolas.”

Colin:

Stark called him Legolas? Good.

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“Thor.”

Did I ever tell you what happened when you were born?

They should have done that for this entire scene.

“You’ve gotta try and bottleneck that portal, slow them down.”

So… go do something that only you can do, but won’t really solve anything. Great how he’s got the kid gloves. I’m really wondering how they’ll be able to have a Justice League movie and handle Superman. Because he’s even more powerful than Thor.

“You’ve got the lightning, light the bastards up.”

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Pretty great how he just listens to him even though he’s a god.

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“AWAY!”

I love that. Everyone should do that in their movie. Just have one person put their arm up and fly away like that when in the background. Every one. Even August: Osage County.

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“You and me, we stay here on the ground, keep the fighting here.”

Colin:

“We stay on the ground [because we don’t have any choice in that matter] and keep the fighting here [where all the civilians are still located, inexplicably running through the streets].”

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“And Hulk—”

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“Smash.”

Yes.

Colin:

I hate how many people nutted at that. Like, how many people saw this movie and quoted THAT line as a moment of badassery.

I like that he’s finally being let loose (even though once he’s Hulk, he should be loose anyway), because these action scenes are much more interesting when there’s a wild card who can and will do anything.

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So he just takes orders? Is that how that works? If he controls when he becomes Hulk then he can control his actions?

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“Come on, bitch, we’re going for a ride.”

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Hulk has armpit hair.

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People live there, you know.

Colin:

At this point in the movie, I’m most interested in what the insurance companies are thinking.

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People been bringing back the auto focus lately.

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Colin:

Yeah, more of the Chrysler Building!

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Seems like a poorly thought out invasion, when you’re not keeping tabs on the major antagonists and are just rampaging about a twelve-block radius.

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Maybe drive one of those worms into him.

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And everyone inside is dead.

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This is why they had to write him out. Because just… keep doing this. And it’s over.

Colin:

Can Thor not do that like 20 times? Because that RUINED everything coming through the portal. I’m pretty sure that if he were to just do this a few more times, he’d be set holding off everyone in there.

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See? And that was just with a single bit of lightning. How can you take this threat seriously?

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Not a lot of blue in Marvel.

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Good job, Fury. Just watch TMZ and don’t help.

Colin:

Nice stock footage of cop car lights. More graphics that are only meant to give us a vibe and quickly fall apart when examined more closely.

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“Sir, the council is on.”

On what? Channel 5?

Also, stop with the fucking councils.

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Why do you look like you had a stroke?

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“Stark, you got a lot of strays sniffing your tail.”

Sniffing?

And tail?

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“Just trying to keep ‘em off the streets.”

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“Well they can’t bank worth a damn.”

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Colin:

You can’t shoot without looking. I don’t care who you are, you don’t shoot someone you don’t know is coming. That’s gratuitous and it’s all movie.

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“Find a tight corner.”

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Colin:

More of Iron Man flying because we can watch that forever. Or they assume we can.

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How do you know which arrows are which?

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“Nice call, what else do you got?”

Is this team building?

“Well, Thor’s taking on a squadron down on 6th.”

“And he didn’t invite me.”

Great that they know the streets from miles above.

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WHY ARE YOU ASSHOLE STILL IN THE BUILDING

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Look at that nose.

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Colin:

Good thing Hulk was here to save all these civilians from harm! And he didn’t even accidental jostle any of them as he hulked through the office! And then the space non-Pokemon flipper slicing through the building conveniently missed the people and didn’t even knock one over! Gee, that was lucky!

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Colin:

Of course they make the Romanoff cut super rapey and require her to straddle her enemy to defeat him. Fuck you, Marvel. Also, she’s struggling with one (ONE!) enemy as everyone else on the team is handling whole goon squads on their own.

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Ricochet! Do it!

Colin:

Seriously, as she’s holding the gun, about to shoot Captain America, tell me she isn’t making the “I almost got raped” face. They really don’t know how to write or direct a female character. 

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Colin:

Wipe yourself off, Natasha. You’re bleeding.

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Oh, it’s Loki.

“Captain, none of this is gonna mean a damn thing if we don’t close that portal.”

Or, not.

That was a weird shot.

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“Our biggest guns couldn’t touch it.”

“Well, maybe it’s not about guns.”

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“You wanna get up there, you’re gonna need a ride.”

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“I got a ride.”

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“I could use a boost though.”

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“You sure about this?”

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“Yeah, it’s gonna be fun.”

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How did you know when to time that?

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Colin:

So, that rips your arm out of its socket.

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And nobody notices anything.

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She is the only one with the facial expressions in this movie.

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Colin:

That’s pretty cool, trying to steer with the shivs you put in its back. There’s a lot of that going on, isn’t there? I mostly get annoyed with things or question why they aren’t doing something else, and then every now and again, I’ll say, “Oh, that’s cool, I guess.”

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There’s your ricochet.

Colin:

You’re not that closely knit yet. You don’t shoot his shield and have him zap everyone. You know what’s easier than doing that? Just zapping them yourself. This is one of those things that they put it as a quick moment so that people had to pause their gasp to start a new gasp and lose their shit. And it makes NO sense.

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Still no Thor in any of this.

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Finally.

Colin:

See how this is the Avengers’ version of The Simpsons’ intro? We start with one character whose action then overlaps with another character’s, and we then follow that person. You guys are just doing The Simpsons at this point.

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CRUNCH!

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Yeah, okay. No one was in Grand Central during any of this.

Colin:

Nobody took refuge in Grand Central Station, of course. That would have meant civilian casualties.

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Reaction shots are the key to comedy.

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This is like Neville Longbottom waking up.

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Tuesday.

Colin:

Me, waking up most days. Confused, unshaven, bloody, gut out.

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Army’s here.

Colin:

So, the cop said before that it would be an hour before the National Guard arrived, which means that it’s been a long time now that this has been going on, and these people are still on the street, running into the Grand Central Station subway entrance. If we’re keeping track, there were zero civilians in Grand Central Station a minute ago, and after an hour of this battle, people are still running around IN THE STREET and are now going into the place that was just empty. Gotcha..

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“Captain, a bank on 42nd, past Madison.”

Is that where all the Nazi gold is?

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Colin:

I’ll take this shot. Dead guy, reflection, sure. Are we done here? And news flash coming across my desk: there are a lot of civilians cornered in this place called MANHATTAN, you dick.

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Colin:

They’re not shooting the people. No idea why they’re not shooting the people.

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So he just knew where the bank was?

And Hawkeye was able to see inside it?

And since we cut, he was able to get there before they killed anyone?

Are we paying any attention to logic here?

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She wants to fuck him.

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This is like masked wrestlers. Don’t take the mask off. That’s the worst thing.

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Colin:

Space grenades take FOREVER.

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Colin:

Isn’t it weird how the paint stays on his shield through all this?

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And somehow no one died.

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Colin:

She wanna get that Captain Crunch. Which, this movie is sucking, so let’s take some time out to remember when Captain Crunch tried to cash in on black people and purple stuff.

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“Director Fury, the council has made a decision.”

“I recognize the council has made a decision, but given that it’s a stupid ass decision, I’ve elected to ignore it.”

HA HA!

Colin:

“Stupid-ass” is the most profane that we’re going to get from him in this movie. The motherfucker train is pulling out, Samuel, and you’re not on it.

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“Director, you’re closer than any of our subs. You scramble that jet.”

Is Jeff Bridges on the council over there on the right?”

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“That is the island of Manhattan, Councilman.”

This is them pretending she has more to do.

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“Until I’m certain my team can’t hold it, I will not order a nuclear strike against a civilian population.”

Colin:

They’ve got shit pretty well under control so far, and the army is on its way. Send in conventional airstrikes if you must.

“If we don’t hold them in the air, we lose everything.”

“I’d send that bird out, we already have.”

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Oh, look who’s back.

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“Nat, what are you doing?”

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“Little help.”

The door on your left. No your other left.

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“I got him.”

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THUG LIFE!

Colin:

He catches it? Fuck you.

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And he conveniently landed right where we started.

Colin:

It explodes and he lands EXACTLY WHERE HE STARTED? Fuck you again.

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All right there, Trinity.

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“Enough!”

Colin:

He got smashed pretty hard a bunch of times, but those didn’t leave a scratch. But what’s about to happen?

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“You are all of you beneath me!”

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“I am God, you dull creature, and I will not be bullied by –”

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Colin:

Yeah. Nobody has explained to me what exactly does and does not do damage to them.

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“Puny God.”

Colin:

That was totally Ruffalo, too. I guess he can speak like a person now.

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That noise he makes is actually one of the highlights of the movie.

Colin:

“I think I’m bleedin’ inside my chest.”

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“Loki’s scepter, the energy. The Tesseract can’t fight. You can’t protect against yourself.”

Colin:

I…beg to differ. A shield made of steel does fine blocking a sword made of steel. And I can’t punch through myself, either.

What?

“It’s not your fault. You didn’t know what you were doing.”

Colin:

Whoa, whoa, hold on there, Robin. He never apologized and didn’t even express remorse. You’re making him feel worse now.

“Well, actually I think I did.”

FUCK YOU!

“I built in a safety to cut the power source.”

So does that mean Barton wanted to kill all those people?

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“Loki’s scepter.”

Don’t avoid the question.

“It may be able to close the portal.”

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Colin:

Titties.

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“And I’m looking right at it.”

Colin:

Loki’s down and the portal is ready to be closed, but we have 20 minutes of movie left. Let’s introduce a nuclear weapon. I give them credit, too – George Lucas busted his nuclear nut after only about 20 minutes.

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Colin:

So, that’s the laser stuff that we saw in Iron Man 2, which he’s used a few times so far in this movie. And the Mark VI was still a one-off like it was in the last movie, but this one runs off the battery. I’m so glad they have him upgrading his stuff little by little.

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“Sir, we’ll losing power before penetrate that shell.”

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“Jarvis, you ever hear the tale of Jonah?”

Yeah, man, I saw that Legends of the Hidden Temple episode.

“I wouldn’t consider him a role model.”

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Colin:

First, Bible stuff. Second, he went through the space Chinese myth dragon. Third, that looked like it hurt him a lot. Fourth, that’s the shawarma place he talks about later. Fourth, “WE ARE INSURANCE WE ARE FARMERS.” Uh, yeah, YOU ARE BROKE if you’re covering anything within 10 miles. Fifth, Southwest Airlines plug.

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Cue… Captain.

Or maybe Hawkeye. It’s only one or the other.

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Colin:

You should have been out of arrows YEARS ago. Bullets are better.

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“That was a lot of glass.”

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Colin:

Oh, the music changed, so we can tell this is the part where our protagonists are getting the shit beat out of them. I want to draw a parallel between this scene and the scene in Revenge of the Sith when Palpatine issues Order 66 and the clones start killing all the jedi. There’s a montage just like what’s going on in The Avengers right now where we see a bunch of good guys getting taken down with a dramatic score (the pitch is also higher, for tragic effect, just like in the Marvel film) in the background. Compare the Avengers getting pummeled to the jedi being wiped out. The Hulk moment is almost exactly like Aayla Secura, the green jedi chick who gets capped on Felucia (bye, Felucia!). And what follows this sequence? This movie’s version of Order 66! It becomes “override order 7A11.”

Here’s the question. Why does the order only come in as the jet is already being scrambled? And if it was already on its way to the fight and gets commandeered by the council (always a goddamn council), wouldn’t it not have a nuclear cruise missile on board? This is a small aircraft, and a weapon that size takes up most, if not all of the armament space. So explain to me again why it’s already being launched with that weapon on board when the order comes through? Oh, you got nothing? The plot? Yeah, that’s what I thought.

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“Director of Fury is no longer in command. Override order 7-Alpha-7-1-1.”

Colin:

WAIT. They WEREN’T already launching that aircraft? We’re to believe that this pilot hopped in the plane, got it fueled, got it started, armed it with a nuclear weapon, then took the plane elevator by himself, and as he was on the plane elevator he got the order to use the nuclear weapon he had no reason to be carrying on the plane he was not otherwise authorized to be in and apparently had no help from anyone else at any point during this process? This isn’t a fucking Chrysler. You don’t just hop in, turn the key and go. This plane making it to the flight deck unnoticed with fuel and weapons without authorization would be like someone stealing your kidney over the course of 30 minutes while you were at the fucking grocery store.

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“We have a rogue bird!”

Colin:

Why is a British woman launching a nuclear strike on Manhattan?

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Colin:

Sorry, the Star Wars nerds reading this are still rolling at my “bye Felucia” comment from a minute ago.

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Yup. That’s how you handle that shit.

Colin:

Samuel isn’t leading this plane enough. Lead the plane more. Also, I’m really late in saying this, but Nick Fury looks like Blade or something. 

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I know the answers is Samuel L. Jackson, but where do you get one of those that quickly?

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Yeah, that’ll work.

Colin:

Remember this shot? The same shot that Tim Roth had in the favelas. Your target is getting away, and you aim but don’t shoot, watch it for a second, and then leave.

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“Stark, you hear me? You have a missile headed straight for the city.”

“How long?”

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“Three minutes, max. The payload can wipe out Midtown.”

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“Jarvis, put everything we got into the thrusters.”

“I just did.”

Colin:

JARVIS is great. “Fuck you, I know my job. I did that shit years ago.”

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Colin:

What does this say about our armed services? I know it’s SHIELD, but this is totally an air force pilot to everyone watching, and he just nuked New York without batting an eye.

This guy is going to land on the helicarrier and get such a code red.

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Colin:

TO THE GUT! More Tim Roth.

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Colin:

I’ve never bowled with a…I wanna say Chrysler Sebring?

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“You ready for another bout?”

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“What, you gettin’ sleepy?”

Colin:

Wait, so did that not leave a hole in his stomach? I’m confused.

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Where is Loki during all this? Shouldn’t he be up and moving by now? Also, couldn’t all of this have been averted if Thor just put his hammer on Loki’s chest like the last movie?

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“I can close it! Can anybody copy? I can shut the portal down!”

So fucking do it. Why tell them?

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“Do it!”

Exactly.

Colin:

I’m so confused as to why she ASKS them if she should close it. Why would you assume anyone wants it open? She should have closed it and then there’s only seconds left for Stark to get the nuke inside before it collapses entirely, and then even less time for him to get out. Maybe the nuke’s blast blows him back out at the last second. Isn’t that better than what they did?

“No, wait.”

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“I got a nuke coming in, it’s gonna blow in less than a minute.”

Were you the only one on that frequency with Fury?

“And I know just where to put it.”

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“Stark, you know that’s a one way trip.”

Colin:

Do we know this is a one-way trip?

“Save the rest for the turn J.”

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“Sir, shall I tray Miss Potts?”

“Might as well.”

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Colin:

Ugh, call the redhead. How much would we all applaud if he told JARVIS not to make the call and instead pulled up an interracial porno?

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Man, you don’t get good news on planes, do you, Potts?

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REALLY? You fucking moron. Isn’t that the one thing you’re holding onto? You’ve spoken to him during these things before.

Colin:

Women don’t pay attention to things, says Marvel.

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Colin:

YOU’RE THE FORCE WHO’S SUPPOSED TO BE HELPING! YOU GUYS ARE WATCHING CNN ON YOUR MONITORS! YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE ON THE FRONT LINES HELPING BUT YOU’RE WATCHING ANDERSON COOPER AGH

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Doesn’t she have a voicemail?

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Colin:

He had titty thrusters?

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