Fun with Franchises: The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 (2011), Part III — “Is This Where We’re At?”

Today we continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, The Twilight Saga. Today is Breaking Dawn Part 2. Part III.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin (whose blog is TokyoRemix.com. Fuck yeah, promotion!), who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Twilight franchise, and today is the third part of Breaking Dawn Part 2:

We begin Part III panning over water.

A shot we’ve never seen before, ever.

Colin:

I saw this shot and was worried you were gonna pull that shit where you put in the screenshot from the beginning of Quantum of Solace. Only, now that I’ve thought about it, I have to go watch it anyway, so you’ve actually gotten it to the point where you don’t even have to pull this shit on me anymore. I’ll be right back.

They’re traveling north.

Colin:

Heading up north. Good business. I’m a big fan of northern places. Snow is your friend.

To the Misty Mountain.

Yes, go that fast over snow on that road. Great idea.

Colin:

Nice place. Nice snow. But you’re right. That’s totally CG. They’re not going that fast on snow. Not if they ever feel like turning.

Oh, wow, there’s actually a road trip happening. This means it’s the three of them plus Renesmee.

Colin:

Oh, so they brought her and they’re going to have to prove shit.

Why do they all live in the same kind of house?

Is it wrong that I’m actually enjoying this movie outside of the Volturi thing?

Colin:

Honestly? Yeah.

“Time to meet some new people.”

“What if they don’t like me?”

Colin:

What child says this? Why is she so aware of what’s going on?

“They’ll love you.”

“This is a crime!”

Colin:

This is the face you make the first time a girl touches your dick.

Colin:

And that’s when you jizz.

Oh shit, son. You’ve done fucked up now.

Bye, bitch.

Colin:

What is this power that this chick has? Is she freezing his hand? Bella fucks her up?

“I’m her biological father.”

“Bella’s her mother.”

“We’re all under a death sentence because your sister didn’t let us explain.”

Colin:

Let the creepy child touch your face.

So my country can be free.

Colin:

“Let ME get somma dat baby hand!”

“It’s true.”

Colin:

Oh, we’re in the Middle East. Middle Eastern vampires are fun.

Colin:

It looks like they redid the map room from Indiana Jones.

That dude won’t listen.

Colin:

Is there gonna be a bad dates scene? Can there be a bad dates scene?

But his son will.

Colin:

Hey, that’s Rami Malek from The Pacific. I remember him cause he has a twin brother named Sami.

So now they’re all X-Men?

Colin:

That’s fucked up. Rami and Sami. That’s some Pokemon double battle shit.

Nutticum Busticus.

Benjamin.

Is he the Fifth Element?

Colin:

Notice how all of these vampires have powers…but it seems like they’re supposed to have the powers BEFORE they get changed. Like, Bella’s always had her mind protection or whatever it is. But are we to believe these people that all have random powers ALSO got turned into vampires? Or are they just being inconsistent with that?

Colin:

Now Benjamin’s getting a hit of baby hand.

“What the fuck?”

Colin:

Shit’s coming. It feels rather tribal.

What the fuck?

Colin:

Oh, no fucking way. Amazonian vampires. And they’re practically in loincloths.

Sisters from Langley?

Colin:

Oh HELL no. Felix doesn’t get brought into this.

“I hated the first British invasion. I hate the second one more.”

Well this got shitty fast.

Colin:

More American Revolution stuff in movies.

“Even the Beatles, Garrett? Really?”

Colin:

Even the Beatles?

They tell him Carlisle needs his help.

He’s gotta eat first.

I like how they just stand by and let him commit murder.

Colin:

So I guess they’re cool with him eating other shit. That’s the kind of vegetarian you should be if you’re gonna be a vegetarian. The kind who smirks a little as the other person scarfs down a steak, and doesn’t say shit about it.

Also, how do they only drink that little? There’s no way they’re draining like 5 gallons of blood in that short time. Drink it all, man.

How weird is this situation? “We need you help. This kid they think is immortal, and they’re gonna kill us. So let her touch your face.”

Or maybe more like, “Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy…”

Ah, they got the Irish, too.

Doesn’t mean anything until they’ve got the Vietnamese.

Colin:

Carlisle has Irish friends? This guy gets around. They know he’s originally British, right?

Seriously, though. Irish vampires? We’re pushing the boundaries of how pale someone can actually be.

It’s good that they’re gingers, though. No souls to lose in the first place.

These two are nomads. So apparently they don’t know what a house looks like.

They’re literally building an army?

Yawn.

Colin:

The whole “feeding” thing shouldn’t be a problem, if it is indeed like being a vegetarian. You can just eat vegetarian while you’re at a vegetarian’s house. You don’t walk into the Dalai Lama’s place and ask for a rib-eye. Unless you’re a badass.

My interest in this movie is fading by the second.

Too many characters. Too uninteresting a climax you’re building toward.

Colin:

This guy looks like Middle Eastern Downey Jr.

So, because more vampires showed up, more tribesmen turn into werewolves.

All right.

Colin:

Wait, more of the Native Americans are “turning?” I thought they said it was genetic? Some of them had the gene and some didn’t? Weren’t there enough vampires here already to stir up whatever dormant genes they had? It doesn’t make any sense that randomly, people are turning into wolves.

Colin:

Also, why is this guy randomly running through the woods right where Jacob happens to be standing?

What’s he doing here? They should randomly turn into wolves at the Safeway or something.

Jacob tells him it’s okay and is normal and talks him through the initial shock.

Colin:

Don’t the Native Americans all know about the ones in the pack who phase?

Who the fuck is this guy?

Colin:

This guy’s douchey. Why’d he show up? He’s not even gonna go meet the kid? There’s not even going to be free food. Why are you here? You’re not interested in the kid, you’re not going to help them fight and there’s NO FREE FOOD. WHY ARE YOU HERE, MAN?

Alistair. He won’t fight against the Volturi.

Colin:

Not only is he not a people person, he’s not a person.

I like how he just goes, “I’ll be in the attic,” and tally ho’s up onto the roof.

What if there’s no entrance up there?

So they now have 18 vampires living with them.

Oh, and no Alice and Jasper, either. Gotta make sure we mention them once in a while, so their return means something.

Apparently this one can make anyone see what she wants them to see.

Colin:

How about making everyone see you as a little less creepy than you are?

Colin:

That’s a useful skill. Couldn’t she just psych out Aro’s crew by making them see something else? This chick is basically Aizen.

But not Bella.

Colin:

This is where they’re going to recognize her and train her up, right?

Apparently Bella is a “shield.”

Colin:

As if on cue, the dude pops out of nowhere and has a NAME for her. Son of a bitch.

Their powers don’t work against her.

Colin:

So NOTHING works on her? Shouldn’t they have figured out what she was a long ass time ago?

Like, back in the second movie when we found this out?

“Your voltage has been exaggerated.”

“Maybe it only works on the weak.”

Lee Pace is awesome.

Colin:

Electabitch is gonna getcha.

“You are an amazing woman.”

Colin:

He loves the kind of woman who can kick his ass. I kinda do, too. But that’s not saying much. Chicks these days do kickboxing and shit.

She want the dick.

Colin:

I hope she can turn the zap off. Or no, just turn it WAY down. Like, to the level of a 9 volt battery that’s almost dead. Imagine fucking THAT.

Too bad she can’t turn that into something marketable. She’d be the Steve (Hand)Jobs of the vampire world.

Teaching the new wolves.

Colin:

Let’s talk more about how your temper tantrums could potentially maim the women in your lives!

But uh oh – more vamps.

Colin:

Who are these guys? I assume Alice and Jasper are off getting the ghost army making some secret preparations, which is why they can’t be here. But it’d probably be helpful for her to be here to tell everyone what’s going on. “Oh, it’s just Teddy. He’ll be here at 2:54. Compliment him on his shirt, it’s new.”

Who are clearly enjoying this.

Colin:

Spider monkey bullshit.

Colin:

I half expected bowling pin sound effects.

I fully expected them.

Vladimir and Stefan.

They don’t care bout the beef – they just want to fuck up the Volturi.

Colin:

These guys are cool cause they just hate people and enjoy starting shit.

Also — Italian scum? They may live there, but I don’t think any of them are actually Italian. Aren’t they mostly Greek?

Ehh. Poseidon/Neptune, it’s all the same.

Apparently Michael Sheen always makes sure all the evidence he needs against someone is found.

Colin:

If something happens so rarely that you don’t notice the pattern, isn’t it weird that you’re able to put it all together so definitively right now?

And apparently he always pardons one person who has an ability the Volturi don’t have.

Colin:

Now they’re throwing around words like “always.” This doesn’t sound like something you just now figured out.

And that person always becomes part of the Volturi.

Colin:

That’s four times they’ve used the word “always”…so well done on not putting together something that couldn’t be much more obvious.

That person is Alice. That’s why she left.

Some people go to leave, but Edward’s like, “What’s to stop them from going after all of you?”

Which is a good point, only… that’s the same as it was before.

Colin:

See how they ran out of regular vampire vs other people conflicts to do, so this is turning into an X-Men movie within the Twilight universe? It’s not good enough to be a regular vampire. Now it’s all about the gifted ones.

He wants them to fight.

Maybe don’t wear a hoodie next time you ask that.

Colin:

Edward’s giving the impassioned speech, and there will be pledges of swords and bows and axes and shit.

He tells them to fight “for the way you want to live.”

Was that a lesbian implication?

Colin:

Mike asked the very same thing about the “Ich bin ein Berliner” speech.

“The packs will fight.”

I’m gaining more respect for this guy now that he’s not pining like a bitch for Bella.

Colin:

He gets to speak for the pack? Is he Alpha now, or what?

He is indeed, the Leader of the Pack.

Colin:

I can’t help but read that as Master of the House, and now I’m imagining Jacob singing as Thénardier and Leah doing his wife’s part. Actually, no, it’s Jacob, but the wife is still Helena Bonham Carter.

And now everyone says they’re going to fight. Naturally.

Except some people.

Colin:

Egyptian Robert Downey Jr. is OUT of here.

“This won’t be the first time I’ve fought a king’s rule.”

Get it? cause he fought in the Revolutionary War.

Apparently nothing’s changed for him since then.

Colin:

This guy really can’t get over the whole American Revolution thing, can he? That’s cool, though. Cause screw the British.

Also, black chick want the dick.

Colin:

It’s the leather vest.

His father doesn’t want to fight, but he will.

Colin:

That’s correct, but it’s such a douchey way to put it. “Well, I’m not gonna say anything about YOU or what YOU wanna do, but I’ll do the RIGHT thing.”

And so on and so forth.

Colin:

Ew, the Irish. I’m half Irish, and that’s how I feel about the Irish.

I still don’t see the Vietnamese.

“That didn’t take much.”

I like these guys. These guys tell it like it is.

Colin:

The most interesting thing about this is that some of them have been around hundreds or thousands of years. Aro’s like 3000 years old. They conduct shit in English now, but 1500 years ago, they might still be speaking to each other in Latin. It’s based on whatever language the world around you uses. I bet they could do this in other languages, but think about like 500 years from now when English may not be the predominant language on the planet. They’ll be speaking some other shit.

But notice how some of them have changed their accents — like Carlisle, who was born British but now sounds American, or Aro, who was Greek and now sounds British — but others still sound a certain way because of whatever reason. Vladimir was a Romanian, but he’s been around for 3000 years. I think he’s had the time to pick up the accent.

Ah… Madrid.

Colin:

Was that an aerial reverse tracking shot of London?

So apparently Jane’s brother Alec has smog powers.

Colin:

He has the gift to make you Helen Keller. Whatever the opposite of “miracle worker” is.

Republican?

He says he refused Carlisle.

Colin:

This guy’s Japanese? They’re gonna make this Japanese guy go out like a bitch? That sucks.

There are only two ways to go out. Kill yourself or never make a sound.

He does neither.

How do you solve a problem like Isabella?

(Everyone who got that thought it was hilarious.)

Colin:

What, is this him getting evidence or something? These guys are assholes. It’s all down to Alec and Dakota, right? Bella doesn’t get affected by them, right? Maybe they’ll want her instead of Alice.

I thought about this. (God help me for saying those words.) They can’t really have Bella or Edward because if they kill one, the other will then get themselves killed. So they have to kill both of them. So Alice really is the only one worth having of that group.

Colin:

They could kill one and keep the other. I looked into it (God help me for saying those words) and they have a chick whose presence makes you super happy. And you get addicted to it, and have to stick around. This is how Aro has kept his bitches in line.

What I don’t really get is what Carlisle’s, Esme’s, Jasper’s, Rosalie’s or Emmett’s powers are. Presumably Emmett got that Juggs strength, but the rest of them — no fucking idea. And they never tell you. Which makes it seem like they all got the short end of the vampire abilities stick.

Colin:

I don’t think they HAVE abilities. Cause not everyone does. Again, it’s just the select few, who are like the X-Men of the vampire world. So at this point, being a regular vampire ain’t shit. Aro wants the ones with spectacular gifts, or just badasses, like Carlisle. But these people are all supposed to have had their gifts or some semblance of the gifts before they were changed. Amun changed Benjamin BECAUSE he had those powers. Bella had her powers before she was changed.

That would be me. “What’s your ability?” “I’m just a badass.”

“It seems Carlisle is still expecting you.”

“Uhh, you see… what had happened was…”

Nice. Background kill.

Colin:

Aw, the Japanese dude did go out like a bitch. That sucks. What’s he doing in London, anyway?

Rondon Carring.

They’re going over strategy. Apparently Bella can learn to shield other people other than herself.

And now we’re officially gone too far. I sort of went along with the stupid powers, but now you’re just adding too much shit.

This was a franchise grounded in a simple love story. And now you’re adding all this other shit that I care even less about? No.

Colin:

And that’s why it was wrong that you were enjoying this. It’s okay to enjoy the first 20 minutes or so, cause you’re like, “Wow, they really jumped the shark on this shit.” But now? No way. The best part is that all this shit that’s being introduced now is occurring in the second half of the LAST BOOK.

They’re teaching her to harness her power.

Colin:

That’s gonna be what the douchebag is here for. He had no purpose to be here up to this point. He’s gonna be like her William Forrester now, isn’t he?

holy shit please have him say jamal wallace in a sean connery voice every movie needs to have that

It looks and sounds remarkably like this.

Colin:

We finally get to the training. She has to shield everyone else. Not like this was a thing in The Incredibles.

When you got that glow…

“I think she needs something to motivate her.”

*zip*

Or… actually… please just tase him right now.

Oh, it would have been so much better if she just did it.

“I’m sorry, I said that I wasn’t ready!”

Yeah, that’ll help you in a fight.

“Dude, you’re not motivating her!”

“You wanna try?!”

Colin:

As bro-y as Emmett is, you know he’s only doing the vegetarian thing cause Rosalie is.

“You seem to lack incentive. Shall I go see if Renesmee’s awake?”

Colin:

HAHAHA yes threaten the child i welcome this development

Colin:

ass

“All right… this one’s on full power.”

So basically she just learned a patronus in like, a minute.

“It’s painful, but it’s bearable.”

Colin:

I wish I could say the same for your franchise.

“See that? I’m not a total fuck up!”

Colin:

Bitch, don’t read to your child. You need to be training. No time for parenting. This is why we have au pairs.

This is why we have stupid wolf uncles.

“Mom – did Aunt Alice and Uncle Jasper run away?”

I just realized – you totally got to skip the Santa Claus conversation.

“Because we’re gonna die?”

Well that just took a turn.

Colin:

This child needs to stop saying shit while it looks like she’s sleeping. That’s how you get stabbed, Mr. Frodo.

~~“Yes. Good night.”~~

“I’ll never let anybody hurt you.”

Colin:

Don’t pause for that long after your daughter asks if you’re all gonna die. For fuck’s sake, woman, are you even trying? This is why we have au pairs.

This is why we have 60 year old Russian nannies named Olga. “Are we gonna die?” “Yes, if you don’t do homework now, you will die. And daddy and mommy will get divorce. Come, little one. Eat some borscht.”

She’s got three people looking out for her, this one.

I really hope this kid doesn’t turn into an asshole.

STUPID SONG ALERT!

She feels like she can demolish a tank… but mentally…

Colin:

The page is back. Is that how bad movies appear to be more complex than they are? Set something up obviously, let you forget about it and then bring it back later?

“How about a bath?”

Oh god.

She just fought the urge to do it. I saw that.

The count is still zero.

And somehow, if you asked me to bet at the beginning of the movie, I’d have bet that. Somehow it made more sense to me that the fact that she was a vampire in this one, mixed with what I’m sure are some very loud criticisms of her constantly doing that, would lead to her not doing it at all.

Are you really gonna bang with your daughter asleep in the next room?

“I do remember how to undress myself.”

Well that’s a stupid line.

“I just do it so much better.”

Colin:

Mike is truly gif-ted.

Uh oh. Time to go all House.

Colin:

He’s trying to get his freak on. She’s busy with shit, man, not now. This is why we have au pairs.

This is why we have handjobs.

“Bella –”

Or maybe not. I think he just stopped it. She was about to, though.

“I’ve had a bad habit of underestimating you.”

Why is that a bad habit? This is a girl who HAS SEVERED HER TENDONS ON MULTIPLE OCCASIONS.

Colin:

I know someone whose tendons I’d like to slice.

“Every obstacle you’ve faced –”

What obstacles? She’s had it easier than everyone.

“I’d think you couldn’t overcome.”

WITH GOOD REASON.

“But you just did. You’re the reason I have something to fight for. My family.”

A HA HA. Is that the joke? Are they all doing it and she’s not doing it?

This seems like a deliberate joke on his part.

Now it’s time to go House.

Colin:

Jenkies. A clue.

“Alice made sure only I would get the message.”

NO SHE DIDN’T. THAT WAS EASY AS SHIT TO CRACK TO ANYONE WITH HALF A BRAIN CELL.

Colin:

Right. Cause ONLY Bella is smart enough to go back and look at the book Alice arbitrarily tore a page out of despite not needing to at all. After all, she is a cop’s daughter.

“Because only my mind would be safe from Aro.”

Which is complete bullshit. Since he has to be touching you for that shit to work.

And by the time he’s close enough to touch you, the eventual plan that she’s going to find out about will have already been in effect, thus making him finding out totally pointless.

How do you know there weren’t more notes in there?

“I’m surprised you took a break from Jedi training.”

Wow, they called it out.

Colin:

Jedi training. I would love to see her get chopped by a lightsaber. A vampire versus a sith. Depending on the sith, I don’t think that’s much of a fight. If you can Force push or even lift them up with the Force…yeah. Sorry, vampire.

Anyway, she’s taking Renesmee to meet Charlie. Because if she doesn’t, he’ll come to them. And – 27 vampires, 1 human…

Well, you saw what happened with the cup.

Colin:

I did see what happened with the cup. The world is a messed up place.

He knows that’s bullshit.

Colin:

So Charlie’s been on a need-to-know basis. Only now it’s been like 4 months since the shit went down and Resnesmee’s like 5. So….maybe now he needs to know.

“What? How did he break my code?”

He don’t care. He’s just glad to be away from the vampires.

They’re –

Creepy.

So that just happened.

Colin:

We’re back to teenage banter. Dracula 1 and 2. Creepy! HAHA! Kill me. What was that LAUGH?

My god.

We’ve come a long way from that first movie.

Colin:

On a treadmill the whole way.

Damn. Charlie been banging that one. Nice way to show us how that happened. God forbid we’d be interested in that and not the fucking Volturi.

It’s kinda weird to him that she grew like, a foot in four months.

Colin:

So…is Charlie just asking no questions anymore? He’s just glad to be in the loop, even though there’s clearly some crazy shit going on in the town that he’s police chief of?

It’s also pretty fucked up that he’s banging someone who is part of the wolf clan and knows everything. Thats a dangerous situation to be in. Some Total Recall shit. If he ever finds out anything — he’s fucked.I

Oh, shit. And she’s dropping her off. Nice parenting.

So… why can’t Jacob go with her? Can they read the werewolves’ minds too?

I mean, I guess he has to stay with Renesmee because of the imprinting thing, but still.

Also kind of weird that she’s going to be gone for like, four hours and no one questions it.

Lights.

Colin:

Lights. We like lights.

Wow. A black guy.

Colin:

Black guy.

This should make you notice how few of these there have been over the course of this franchise. In fact, the only black characters I remember – one disappeared after he almost killed Bella, and actually, so did the other one. Just… differently.

Colin:

Is this gonna be Jenks? How hilarious would it be if this was just a random black guy who had nothing to do with the story? Just wanted to keep an eye on him.

What? She had an appointment to see him? When did this happen? Did she just walk into the place and say she was looking for him and they took her right over to him?

Colin:

This looks great. Cause she looks like a hooker.

He has a private area to himself?

Colin:

This is fabulous. Nobody’s asking questions? I don’t think I trust America to not ask questions about this.

Anyway, he says he’s been dealing with Jasper for like 20 years, and that Jasper’s “order” is ready.

Colin:

Placed his order. 90 kilos of pure heroin.

Colin:

This is TOTALLY a dude getting a hooker. He’s in his 50s or something, and she’s an 18 year old in a VERY tight dress who doesn’t appear to be his daughter.

I want all of my encounters in a restaurant to include this moment. Regardless of what is in the envelope. I will do this to everyone I meet in a restaurant.

That’s my kinda guy. Gets you a passport, slides it to you in an envelope in a private area of a restaurant, and drinks at noon.

Ha ha. Jacob Wolfe.

Colin:

Passports and shit for Renesmee and Jacob? Isn’t she gonna grow out of it too fast? Cool for now, I guess. But then they’re traveling together. How badly do you want to send your daughter away with the guy who jizzed on her when she was a baby?

Badly?

I’m sorry, I’m new to the whole parenting thing.

It’s badly, right?

Colin:

Are there seriously people who do this shit? I mean, there must be. I wanna meet a passport forger. I would love to have a forged passport. I mean, I would never use it — don’t expect I’d ever need to — but just to have it around and have my girlfriend find it or something. And she’d be like, “Why does it say your name is Gilberto de Pietro?!”

“There a problem?”

This is the kind of guy I want to handle my business.

She realizes it’s for Jacob and Renesmee to escape together, and dude’s like, “Jasper said only two.”

Colin:

She clearly doesn’t seem to get how this works. He should try to double charge her.

AND THERE’S THE WHALE! Almost 65 minutes into the movie… and there’s the whale.

“Hmm.”

“Alice’s vision was clear – Renesmee would have a future, but Edward and I wouldn’t be a part of it.”

It sucks when stupid characters are left to their own devices. How about trusting that a plan is in place and that things were meant to be this way?

Colin:

Why is that definite? Maybe Renesmee and Jacob are just supposed to leave for a little while and then come back in like a week after shit’s been fixed.

PLEASE HAVE THEM SEND RENESMEE TO SAUDI ARABIA

God, I hate this bitch.

Well goddamn, Bella, what have you been doing in your spare time?

Colin:

IN CASH

Fake documents or no, you don’t just waltz through security with cash like that.

So, all the other voiceover is nondiegetic, but this is?

And don’t give me any of that, “But it was all like that.” No it wasn’t. You can clearly see that this is all part of the voiceover that just started.

And this guy is here.

And apparently he’s leaving or something.

All… right.

Colin:

Get a load of those scissors. Are those a leftover prop from The Big Lebowski or something?

Do those not work against vampires?

Colin:

It’s Christmastime Again, Charlie Swan

“The snow is sticking.”

Really?

“Well, we still have today.”

Do you? Do you have today?

There’s a holiday in itself, a turkey, and a slice of that ass.

Colin:

Oh, Christmas with the Clearwaters, I see. I wonder if Leah and Seth are cool that Charlie’s doing their mom.

“I’m so glad Charlie found somebody to take care of him.”

Take care of him? He’s the chief of police and loves drinking beer. He’s cool.

Colin:

He was totally cool. But I think the “take care of” was meant in a different sense.

“All right – present time!”

Well that looks like a shitty present.

Colin:

“Basketball?”

And Dad gets a piece of paper. What kind of Christmas is this?

Oh, it’s a five day fishing trip. For him and the chick.

He says it’s great, but he can’t leave tomorrow.

Colin:

Charlie, were you just trying to cockblock yourself?

“I made arrangements for you at work.” And she has a beer. Marry this chick.

Colin:

Sue took care of that real quick. But it’s not the Native Americans who are sneaky. You’re thinking of the Japanese. Ninjas.

“Sneaky. And extravagant.”

“And non-refundable, I’m afraid.”

“You two trying to get rid of me?”

WHY WOULD YOU REACT LIKE THAT?

“Because it’s workin’!”

Wow, you motherfuckers are so lucky. Why the fuck would you look guilty?

Colin:

“You two trying to get rid of me?” [AWKWARD] “Cause it’s workin’!” [PARTY ON]

He’s going on a fishing trip to Delaware…

… Delaware.

Apparently Sue also “knows her trout.”

Colin:

Gonna leave that one.

Raw. And Wriggling.

Colin:

I said to leave it.

So he made that for her? What a shitty present.

At least it’s not a fucking dreamcatcher.

“It’s so pretty.” Yeah, right.

FIF!

“Now that’s what I’m talking about. A little pre-battle bonfire… telling war stories.”

Colin:

Jacob approves of the shifty-ass A-rab.

“Name any American battle. I was there.”

Oh, I like this guy.

I got nervous that they were actually gonna start telling war stories, but now that he’s the one gonna do it, I’m in.

“Little Big Horn.”

I approve of this.

“I came this close to biting Custer. But the Indians got him first.”

HA ha. He said Indians.

Oh, look at that. Super fast, and right on the lap.

She was at Oleg’s assault on Constantinople.

Colin:

I like the idea of them telling war stories from all throughout history. This should be one of those moments that we enjoy where someone mentions some “incident” that has a name and is in common knowledge, and someone else goes, “Wait, Istanbul…that was YOU?”

That’s basically the gist of everything we say — “This Should Be Better”

The Eleven Years War. “No one does rebellion like the Irish.”

What about boxers?

Colin:

No, that’s not what that… never mind.

More like General TKO, amirite?

“You lost the Eleven Years War.”

“Aye, but it was one hell of a rebellion.”

“Ahhh.”

These guys tell some story. Basically the Volturi tried to kill them.

Colin:

So these two dudes, Vladimir and Stefan, they’re nicer than the Volturi? They might as well be worse. We don’t know.

“All these people are putting themselves in danger because I fell in love with a human.”

“You found your mate. You deserve to be happy.”

“But at what cost?”

Colin:

tree fiddy

“Everyone here has something to fight for. I certainly do.”

Please remove your dick from my ass.

“Carlisle, I’ve never thanked you.”

Is that the point of the movie we’re at?

Colin:

Oh, it’s the Lt. Dan/Commissioner Gordon moment. “I’ve never thanked you.”

Is This Where We’re At?

“For this extraordinary life.”

Seriously. The pauses are so long I assume the lines are finished.

Colin:

Carlisle was changed when he was 23, by the way. So…the idea that he has kids who are all like 18 or so is ridiculous. Plus, you’re supposed to be mentally locked in at the age you get turned, so Carlisle’s like my age.