Fun with Franchises: Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004), Part II — “I Hope That Boggart’s Name Is Humphrey”
Today we continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Part two.
In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin (whose blog is TokyoRemix.com. Fuck yeah, promotion!), who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.
And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.
And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Harry Potter franchise, and today is the second part of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.
We begin Part II after one class and before another.
So like fifth period.
Which — Hermione’s like thirteen here, right? So that’s not so far off.
I love how things have gotten more pointy in this film.
Ron wants to know how Hermione got to class out of nowhere. She said she’s taking Ancient Runes, which is taught the same time as Divination.
“Tell me about the rabbits, George.”
“How could anyone be in two classes at once?”
Ron should really push this point. “Don’t be silly, Ronald. How could anyone be in two classes at once?” “The question stands, bitch. Explain.”
Also, when did the walk to Hagrid’s involve the same hill outside the gates of fucking Mordor?
(P.S. I love Hermione making fun of Trelawney here. I thought that was hilarious.)
Can I do that? Teach a class at a school and do it from home?
Hagrid’s got a real treat for them –
In the Dark Forest.
Which isn’t so dark during the day. Also, it looks just like a regular forest. Is the regular forest next to the Dark Forest? How do you know which one’s the dark one and which one isn’t?
We actually call it “urban” these days.
That would be great if Hogwarts had a Hood Forest.
Centaurs rolling up and shit — “SOUTH SIDE, MOTHERFUCKER!!!”
Also, does that make the transitional part between the two the Mulatto Forest?
Also, when did they install that Wild Bunch wall?
You think the stone Morgan Freeman pulled out of the wall is still there?
Also, the robes are back. But they’re fading them out. It’s like formal wear. I guess first and second years are mandated to wear the uniform, and after that, it’s more lenient.
In order to open their books, they have to stroke its spine.
They’re actually stroking the dick. It’s the dick.
“I think they’re funny.”
Did I miss something? Who’s funny? This comes out of nowhere.
Draco, you look so fetching with your hair down.
Draco makes a crack about Hagrid.
It’s great how Dean’s ready to throw down in pretty much every shot. Also, way to tie that tie, Ron.
“Shut up, Malfoy.”
Oh, shit, it’s on.
They don’t have to take this outside, they already there.
When did Hogwarts get so ethnically diverse?
Gotta wonder if race is a thing at all for them. It appears to be for Rowling, but what about the Malfoys? Think Lucius would care if Draco brought home a black witch, or would he be cool with it as long as she were pure blood?
Wouldn’t that make her 3/5 of a pure blood?
. . . . .
(I just heard even the people who go with my worst jokes disown me for that one. I agree with you.)
“Ah ahahaha! We Punk’d yo ass!”
I don’t think Crabbe gives a shit.
He looks like the Andre 3000 backup dancers from the ‘Hey Ya’ video.
Seriously – how could she fuck Ron after all this visual set up?
Also – white girl wants to fuck Draco. Black kid wants to slap the SHIT out of him.
“You’re supposed to stroke it!”
Great timing, Ronald. Great timing.
Black girl, black guy, Indian girl in the back, Indian boy, and we only know Dean…this movie got tokens like Chuck E. Cheese.
They call him Longbottom cause he gets so many bitches the well ain’t got no bottom.
What happened to Susan Bones? Is she dead? I’m gonna assume dead.
Ever wear dead animals as suspenders?
I know he’s black, but that kid on the right still looks like he’s wearing blackface. Don’t even tell me that’s racist because he fucking does.
Also, the three Indians are standing right next to one another, all the redheads are up front, and the one Asian is over there on the left.
Maybe she’s Native American?
He’s a Hippogriff.
Hagrid says Hippogriffs are proud creatures, so don’t fuck with them.
Buckbeak don’t give a fuck. He’s only here cause he ain’t got shit to do while his main chick is at work.
Hagrid wants to know who wants to volunteer.
“Well done, Harry.”
But seriously, what are you afraid of? You killed a BASILISK!
He looks like he’s about to do the Hacksaw Jim Duggan three point stance and clothesline.
“Motherfucker, you think this is a game?”
That’s the bow for when you’ve accidentally walked into your lord’s receiving room wearing your corridor shoes.
Malfoy is unimpressed.
Is it me, or is the Gryffindor chick on the left going in for a tweak?
Isn’t that called a “tune up”?
Is that how you go to pet most things?
Yeah, which one of these relationships feels forced?
Also, what’s with this white chick being put front and center in all these shots?
Dean Thomas look like he want yo numba.
Throughout these past few shots, Malfoy looks like a frat guy watching one of his buddies get a lap dance.
That just got him an A for the semester.
I’ve taken a class or two like that before…
“And now you’re gonna ride him!”
Buckbeak just made the rape noise when Hagrid hit him on the ass.
I trust the person who lives in Japan to know what he’s talking about with that sort of thing.
This is a shot that will (sort of) be repeated in Deathly Hallows 1.
Dude, you should take him over to Hogsmeade, get drunk and come back.
The class is still there, three hours later, Harry and Buckbeak some stumbling back – “By the light – of the silvery moon!” “ERRAGGGAHHGHGH!!!”
Where’s that giant lake that’s gonna be there next movie? Other side?
There we go.
They totally reused this shot in Deathly Hallows, didn’t they?
“I’m the king of the (wizarding) world!”
God, I fucking hate the movie “Woo hoo!” Please do away with this forever.
I was on board with The Amazing Spider-Man for the first part of the film until he got his powers and did his “woo hoo!” on his skateboard, doing tricks. That took things down a bit.
Every fucking movie does it now! It’s ridiculous. Whenever I see it, it’s like voiceover, I tune out and make them win me back.
How does Buckbeak know to go back? Wouldn’t he just do whatever the fuck he wanted? It’s not like Harry made a bond with him with his hair-soul dick thing or anything.
THAT’s how you bring him back? Siriusly? He can hear that?
What does the rest of the class do while Harry’s flying around? Are they all gonna get a chance to ride Buckbeak? That’s kind of a dick move toward Buckbeak. Making him take everyone out for a spin.
Lotta clapping going on in this school.
Also, doesn’t that chick over there look like she has a peg leg?
“I got this shit.”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa – back the fuck up.”
He got smacked the fuck up.
“Whoa, whoa –”
Hagrid just used the “don’t-make-me-take-off-my-belt” voice. That’ll do it.
“Jesus, Malfoy, I don’t know why you’re being such a bitch about this. You provoked him.”
Aww… this isn’t the last time Hagrid’s gonna carry a body out of the forest.
Look at Buckbeak – “Look, I ain’t got nothin’ to do with this. That motherfucker rolled up on ME! I ain’t goin’ to jail for this! Y’all saw that shit!”
“You know that shit was his fault. We still cool?”
“Yeah man, we cool.”
What kind of drunken Klan ghost is that?
Draco’s got himself a main chick.
LOOK AT HOW THEY’RE SITTING. Seriously, which of these two would you think are gonna end up fucking?
Fred and George?
And now the ghosts are just racing around in the background? Well done, sirs.
Sirius Black has been spotted.
“Dufftown? That’s not far from here.”
Pretty sure everywhere is far from there. It’s the school, Hogsmeade is Main Street, and that’s it.
Neville worries he could be at Hogwarts. Seamus says he already slipped past the dementors once. He can certainly do it again.
“That’s right. Black could be anywhere.”
WHY DID THE BLACK KID GET THIS LINE?! “That’s right. Black could be anywhere.” Funny you should say. “It’s like trying to catch smoke with your bare hands.” I take it the black kid suggests setting up a defensive hot box instead? Jesus, Rowling and whoever cast this film.
Yes… poppies will make them sleep…
Wow, the dementors really are just like Glinda.
Lot of moving through mirrors in this movie.
Anyway, Lupin is gonna teach them a lesson, before Ze Boggarts get here.
He asks them if they know what a boggart looks like.
I hope that boggart’s name is Humphrey.
Hermione – who again appears out of nowhere – says no one knows. “They take the shape of whatever a particular person fears the most.”
So I guess my boggart would turn into responsibility.
And mine would be commitment. AM I RIGHT GUYS???
How does a boggart turn into sobriety…
“Fortunately, boggarts are like dementors – we can shoo them away with a really easy spell whenever we want.”
That spell –
“Rock and roll!”
Or – “Riddikulus.”
“This class is ridiculous.”
He’s kind of got a point. Three years in and you’ve barely learned a goddamn thing. Your first professor is dead, your second is institutionalized and this one’s a werewolf.
“Well, I told you how to say the spell, now you can jut do it on your own.”
How like school. “I told you once, now you should be able to do it, no problem.”
Also – I love the assumption that the kids don’t know about these spells until they’re told. Hermione’s not that far ahead. She just reads books. Technically they can just read books and know how to Crucio people at age seven.
Though, I guess that is a lot like real school. None of us actually did read ahead in the textbook except the Hermione-type students. All right. I’ll give them a pass there. But still, it’s funny. “Okay, now here’s the spell – Riddikulus.” Now that you know the one word, you can do it on your own. Remember when teachers would spend fifteen minutes showing you how to use the quadratic formula the first time? Magic teaching requires no skill whatsoever.
You have to figure that since half of these spells are just about words, you’d forget most of them unless you used them regularly enough. How often do you think you’d use “Oculus Reparo?” By the time you’re like 28 and drinking all the time, I bet you’d have forgotten most of your shit. Which basically means that every time people call someone a “skilled wizard,” that basically means they’re good at remembering formulas and shit. I’d just have spellbooks on a Kindle or something.
See, but the fucked up thing is, by the end, they’re just flicking the wands and making spells and shit. So the words even become meaningless.
Neville goes first, naturally.
What does he fear most?
Wouldn’t it be funny if Kool Moe Dee came out of there?
How does the boggart know which thing to turn into? Because Neville is standing closest? It had no idea until that door opened what it was gonna become. This seems suspect.
Alan Rickman’s finest moment, I’m sure.
Now everyone gets to go!
And he puts on music – this is why I always loved Lupin.
So what does a boggart actually do after turning into what you fear most? Does it kill you? Or does it just stand there until you pee your pants, laugh and leave like my Uncle Tim?
And thus begins the montage…
Jasmine’s afraid of snakes.
The Indian chick didn’t like snakes, so she turned it into a big, freaky clown thing? Screw that. What if your worst fear is heights? Or being spurned by a loved one? I’d love to see a boggart try to deal with some abstract fears. I’d also like to see it deal with Shiho. Maybe it’d turn into a strawberry.
What if this were 1955? And the boggart turned into an A-bomb?
But seriously, what does it say about the kid who turned a scary thing into another scary thing? “Ha ha ha, I’m afraid of snakes… *lower tone* but genocide is hilarious.”
“Uh oh… this won’t be good.”
Wouldn’t it be great if it just stayed as the clown and didn’t do anything?
“I ain’t scared of shit, motherfucker.”
Gee, wonder what that means…
I assume he can’t control his sexual urges under certain lunar phases. Goes after Big Red, who in this case must be Mrs. Weasley.
I love how teachers always end class the minute something fucked up happens.
Hermione’s the only person thinking the right thing right now.
Love how this shot is through a mirror and most people don’t notice unless you’re paying attention.
Love this shot.
Second biggest badass at Hogwarts.
McGonagall won’t let him go. He doesn’t have his permission slip signed.
She’ll buy him a broom but she won’t sign his slip. Nice. Real nice.
She says only a parent or a guardian can.
She does apologize though. Which is cool. She’s one of those old school Irish teachers. I get it.
Nah, this is still Rowling bullshit. She takes care of everything for him and makes crazy exceptions to rules on the regular. How about when the Weasley boys literally kidnap him from Privet Drive and mail from Hogwarts shows up at the Weasleys’ house the next day, as if the Hogwarts administrators were saying, “Heard you got kidnapped from your legal guardians! Good for you!” They seem to just look the other way when it comes to rules like this. Couldn’t Harry just follow along five minutes later? I bet nobody’d say shit.
She does have the out of, “Well, this gives me an excuse not to let him go, since this motherfucker is out to kill him and he doesn’t know.” I feel like she’d rap these lines, as well.
Harry says goodbye to them. Not once do they mention the other way he can get there.
What’s with that wave, Hermione?
The shots in this movie are just great.
Yeah, these shots are all amazing. This film looks so much better than the first two. By far.
Harry asks Lupin why he stopped him from facing the boggart. Lupin says he thought it was gonna turn into Voldielocks. Harry says he did think about Voldie for a second, but then was like, “Nah, I remembered that thing that tried to kill me – that shit made me make a doo doo cloud.”
Plus we don’t know what Voldemort looks like yet. That’s also probably why.
Which means, Lupin says, that the thing Harry fears most is fear itself.
Oh boy, Lupin. Going all FDR up in this bitch. Maybe that’s Lupin’s secret affliction. Polio.
Holy shit, what if the fourth unforgivable curse was “Polio?” How hilarious would that be?
“I can’t feel my legs!”
Lupin also says when he first saw Harry, he recognized him immediately. “Not by your scar, but by your eyes. They’re your mother, Lily’s.”
And here’s where this bullshit starts. Always with the fucking eyes.
“Yes, oh yes, I knew her.”
(Did he fuck her? What’s with that phrasing? “Alas, poor Lily, I knew her well.”)
“Your mother was there for me at a time when no one else was.”
(I know what he’s talking about, but it just sounds like puberty.)
He explains that Lily was a great witch and an uncommonly kind woman. She had a way of seeing the beauty in others, especially when others couldn’t see it in themselves. (This explains Snape.) And his father – he was a real troublemaker.
“A talent, rumor has it, he passed onto you.”
That was pretty homoerotic.
“You’re more like them than you know, Harry.”
That was pretty touching.
Lotta paintings in this place. Did they just pull everything out of storage for this year? Maybe more eyes to see if some shit goes down?
Can’t the paintings help with the changing stairs?
If I did this TV series, I’d do an episode just about the paintings and their history and their inner worlds. You could do an entire episode from the perspective of the paintings where an actual storyline with the characters you know plays out purely in the background.
I see they’re all pros at the stairs now. They’re just changing right to where they want to go.
Something’s wrong at the common room.
WHY IS THERE A BIG PAINTING OF JUST AN EYEBALL THAT SHIT IS WEIRD
Why does Harry look like Charlie Sheen here?
Tiger blood! …is an ingredient often used in Potions class.
“I’m gonna tell you something, Professor Snape, you may not know about me…”
“I just sucked a dick!”
“The fat lady – she’s gone.”
What did I say?
Well, I guess that means it’s over then, now, innnit?
Also, remember when you almost died like six months ago? Oh, right, Ginny’s no longer important anymore. We’ll just give her a line so you remember she exists and that’s it. This is actually the only time we see Ginny in this movie.
Just so you guys know, pretty much anytime she shows up in one of these movies, I’m gonna call her out for being a skank, just like I have done. I have reasons for disliking her, mostly cause she replaces a fine Asian girl. But she also has a messed up character arc that doesn’t fly. We’ll get to that some other time.
The moon really did hit Lupin just right.
I love the moving paintings. It’s such a great touch.
Also, found the other eye to go with that first one.
Shouldn’t the paintings know exactly what it is? Or is it just one of those things we don’t tell the students?
Why do you look so surprised? You hired him.
Also – it’s weird that he’s like, “Out of the way, let me through.” Richard Harris would never pull that shit. Isn’t Dumbledore the, “Appear out of nowhere/make a grand entrance type guy?”
That girl is one serious black.
Good job, Filch. I’m sure whatever did this is hiding up there.
Not exactly “Lovely Raquel,” is it?
“Round up all the ghosts. Tell them to find the fat lady.”
This is like a noir.
Go ahead, paintings, you heard Captain Renault.
Oh, no he wasn’t looking for who did this. He found the fat lady! Good job, Filch. This motherfucker is ON POINT.
Look at that hippo. And what’s the animal it’s hiding behind?
That reminds me of one of the best jokes I’ve ever made. It was one of those things you just sort of say before you can help yourself, and it ends up being so perfectly timed that it just kills.
I went out to eat with my parents and my sister, and we’re driving home. And the seating arrangement in the car is – my father’s driving, mother’s in the passenger seat, I’m in the rear passenger seat, and my sister’s in the rear driver’s seat. And as we’re driving, my father looks in the rearview mirror at someone who’s tailgaiting him. And he goes, “Who’s this piece of shit behind me?” and out of nowhere I just snapped up and said, “Don’t talk about your daughter that way.”
One of the funniest things I’ve ever said. That shit even took me by surprise. The response time was literally about a half a second. (And that’s when I realized I was an asshole.)
I love that from now on you’re just gonna have this picture on file to use after every drawn-out story.
It’s the perfect ending.
“Secure the castle, Mr. Filch.”
Which is funny, since he’s the only one in the castle that doesn’t know magic. When you see what “securing the castle” means in Deathly Hallows, this actually turns into a pretty douchey thing for Dumbledore to say.
Or, I guess… that counts as securing the castle, too.
What is this, Helm’s Deep?
Think you got enough locks there, Butch?
Aww… just like Suspiria.
Or, for those who haven’t seen that… disaster relief.
Snape says he doesn’t trust Lupin, Dumbledore tells him to chill. Shit’s safe. We don’t need to tell Harry anything. Let him sleep.
Weird how they’re having this conversation among all the students.
And right over the main character’s head.
“For in dreams, we enter a world that is entirely our own. Let them swim in the deepest ocean, or glide over the highest cloud.”
How many tabs did you take, Albus?
That’s one of the most random lines in the entire franchise.
Nice ceiling, though. I want a ceiling I can do that with. Just make the room look like a planetarium.
Also, I wanna go to a planetarium. Who wants to go to the planetarium with me?
I remember the last time I went to the Hayden Planetarium in Boston, the whole show was narrated by Tom Hanks, and it was incredible after I got over the initial Apollo 13 anxiety.
Nice transition to winter.
I love how he always enters class like he’s got so much shit to do and so little time to do it in.
“All right, bitches. We’re gonna watch a movie today.”
It weirded me out to see a random projector screen. Like they use it on a regular basis. We never see them elsewhere, but Snape’s decided to break out the transparencies and the overhead projector.
“Turn to page 394.”
One of the most quoted lines in the franchise, randomly.
Lupin isn’t there today.
That is naturally what you do with a sub.
Woman knows everything.
“Where the fuck did she come from?”
“Who can tell me the difference between an animagus and a werewolf?”
Of course she can.
The Prime of Miss Jean Granger.
“No one? How disappointing.”
I love that he doesn’t even turn around. He knows.
That werewolf has no dick.
Is this implying that Leonardo Da Vinci was a werewolf, or that wizards are plagiarists? I refuse to entertain further options.
Hermione goes and answers the question anyway. Uppity mudblood.
“That is the second time you have spoken out of turn, Miss Granger. Are you incapable of restraining yourself or do you take pride in being an insufferable know-it-all?”
“He’s got a point, you know.”
I was gonna say the exact same thing, Ron. Spot. Fucking. On.
Snape assigns an essay. Two rolls of parchment on the werewolf with specific emphasis on recognizing it.
“But it’s Quidditch tomorrow.”
So what? He’s supposed to get off easy because he’s a star athlete? Plus, it’s due Monday. Class obviously isn’t on Sunday. Do all your shit on Sunday like the rest of us.
Wizards don’t even need to worry about sitting around half of Sunday playing Pokémon. Seriously, what does he have to do?
Oh right… the note.
He loves doing that eyebrow raise.
Nice cartoon, Malfoy. You’ve got a future there.
Maybe he’ll write one about a guy in Slytherin who ends up being roomed with a girl from Gryffindor! And they both have the same name! (Four people thought that was hilarious.)
I’m sure that’s safe. We called off one because Hermione got petrified, but certain death for students? They’ll be fine.
And people showed up, too.
Facepaint in the rain – I admire your dedication.
To be fair, he was probably painted up and drunk about four hours ago.
So, Draco’s cartoon had Harry being zapped by lightning. This is probably for one of three reasons:
1) He saw the weather report for the following day, and it was pretty definitive about a lightning storm
2) It always rains in England
3) Draco read the script!
And that’s the end of Katie Bell.
Hah. “Bell.” DING DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD!
Well, at least they’re out there too. That whole, “If I can handle it, you can handle it,” attitude. That’s at least somewhat okay.
Hey, McGonagall, is it rainy out or are you just happy to see me?
GREAT fucking idea. Let’s fly up into a lightning storm on lightning rods to go after a metal ball.
He’ll be fine.
Harry sees the omen in the sky and gets nervous cause he’s wondering what’s going to kill him. THE FUCKING LIGHTNING, YOU CRETIN.
Wow that dick probably could cut glass.
Man knows how to fly, though. I’ll give him that. He does some nice stunt brooming.
Hey, man – a hole’s a hole.
You think he did that for the other kid that fell like that?
I also love that they shoehorn in one black face in every crowd shot.
Love the iris in, though.
Though I’m not quite sure what Dumbledore did there. Stopped time? Or did he just signal the editor to change the reel?
Harry wakes up in the hospital. Dude’s had more hospital visits than Magic Johnson.
George Weasley ends up marrying a black person whose last is Johnson and is also magic.
But all joking aside, that man has had hospital visits in spAIDS.
One – seriously now, with the relationship thing. Two – is that Snoop?
HA! The Hufflepuff is in the background too. Nobody gives a fuck about him.
Also, Katie Bell is sort of just lying there and twitching…
Best thing about this shot – you can hear Madame Pomfrey say, “Be still (whoever),” but it totally sounds like, “He’s STILL drunk!”
His broom kinda got fucked up too.
Oh no! That cost him…free. Guess you’ll just have to break out a few of those drillion galleons your dead parents left you.
Are they playing “Taps” under this shot?
Lupin explains to Harry that he’s not a bitch – the dementors are affecting him because there are true horrors in his past.
I still think he’s kind of a bitch.
But, horrors in his past? You don’t think the horcrux on his forehead has anything to do with it?
Hey, that’s where they bury Dumbledore!
Oh, and Lupin says he’ll teach Harry to take on the dementors. After the holidays.
That’s where we’ll END PART II.
– – – – – – – – – –
Tomorrow is Part III, and Marauder’s Maps, Expecto Patronums, a great punch to the face, and the greatest put-down in franchise history.
(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)