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Fun with Franchises: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (2005), Part II — “You’re Telling Me Some Wizards Don’t Like a Little Light Crucio During Sex?”

Today we continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Today is Part II.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin (whose blog is TokyoRemix.com. Fuck yeah, promotion!), who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Harry Potter franchise, and today is the second part of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.

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We begin Part II in Defense Against the Dark Arts.

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“One of you motherfuckers makes one crack about my eye, I’m sticking it into one of your holes.”

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“And I’m not a choosy man.”

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Moody says that when it comes to the Dark Arts, he believes in a practical approach.

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Seamus don’t give a fuck.

Colin:

Holy shit. I did NOT notice this. He looks like he’s rolling a J! Hearts, stars and horseshoes, clovers and blue moons! Pots of gold and rainbows, and a bag of CESS!

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“First, which of you can tell me how many Unforgivable curses there are?”

For me? Ten. Each year.

It’s funny that this is how he starts his class.

Professor Quirrell – iguana.
Professor Lockhart – Cornish pixies.
Professor Lupin – Ridikulus.
Professor Snape – “Turn to page 394.”
Professor Moody – “Let’s control, torture and kill a small animal.”

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“Three, sir.”

Didn’t even raise your hand.

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Why are they Unforgivable? Because using any one of them will “earn you a one-way ticket to Azkaban.”

So does that mean you have to pay if you want round-trip, or…?

Colin:

Somebody can’t spell unforgivable. 

We certainly know how to do that round these parts.

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“Now, the Ministry says you’re too young to see what these curses do. I say fuck that.”

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“You need to know what you’re up against. You need to be prepared –”

Knowing what we know at the end of this film – this guy’s a much better teacher than he ought to be. Isn’t this actually what Defense Against the Dark Arts is all about?

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Colin:

“Hey hey hey hey. Smoke weed every day.”

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“– you need to find another place to put your chewing gum beside the underside of your desk, Mr. Finnigan!”

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Colin:

“Motherfucker, this ain’t gum. Tryin’ to get my wet daddy on over here, so if you’ll excuse me.”

“The old codger can see in the back of his head.”

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He just threw a piece of chalk at him!

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“Weasley!”

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How does he know his name? Objectively, of course. I know why he knows it. In fact, how does he know any of their names? Did he come up with a lesson plan and shit after he was given his mission?

All right, fuck it – let’s not skirt around the issue – spoiler alert, this isn’t Mad Eye Moody. So did he actually sit there, learning all his students’ names? Is he actually gonna grade tests and papers and shit for the rest of the semester?

Which brings up another point – if he’s doing this on day one, what’s he gonna do for the rest of term? He’s gotta come up with lessons, doesn’t he?

Colin:

This is where the eye is magic. It’s like the force in Star Wars. It can be as limited in scope as the author wants, and when there’s something that needs explaining, they fall back on it. Maybe he’s using the eye to look at a cheat sheet or something like that. That’s usually how these arguments go. But yeah, kind of a weird ‘vacation’ for him, right? Coming up with lessons and stuff. Note how this is a degree granting institution that just hires random ass people to teach and provides them with no basic curriculum. 

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Ron knows about one of the curses from his father – the Imperius Curse.

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“Hello, little spider.”

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“Engorgio.”

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Well that’s unnecessary.

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“Imperio.”

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See, he’s having fun with this. Why not use this opportunity to disappear and become a teacher somewhere? This is how good noirs start.

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Though I guess part of the joy is that the spider is lethal should it bite them, and the glee he’s taking is in the fact that he has the power to have the spider kill them at any moment.

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Jesus, Simple Jack, what’s with the clapping?

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“What shall I have her do next, jump out the window?”

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“Drown herself?”

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Well that just got dark.

Colin:

Dean Thomas is not a “that.”

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“Scores of wizards have claimed that they’ve only done You-Know-Who’s bidding under the influence of the Imperius Curse. But here’s the rub –”

Motherfucker knows some ‘Hamlet,’ too?

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“– how do we sort out the liars?”

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“Another.”

Look at Hermione. She’s like, “Why you motherfuckers encouraging him?”

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This is fucked up. He picks Neville to tell him about the Cruciatus Curse, knowing full well his parents were subjected to that.

“Professor Sprout tells me you have an aptitude for herbology.”

Which just introduces scores of questions to the equation. And is also a blatant and ridiculous set-up for something that happens later.

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“Crucio.”

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Wizard PETA is gonna be pissed.

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“Stop it! Can’t you see it’s bothering him? Stop it!”

It’s funny that she means Neville and doesn’t give a shit about the spider.

Anywho…

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“Well then, Miss Righteousness, you can tell me the last one.”

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Which is such a great moment. When you think about this scene, conceptually, it’s pretty great. And then you have this moment, where you know he’s gonna make her say it just so he can do it.

Colin:

This is one of the best scenes in the franchise so far. We’re getting exposition, but it’s uncomfortable for just about everyone involved. There’s so much emotion going on here, and Moody’s messing with the whole class. I like it when someone challenges your rosy, little worldview and fucks up your day. That’s my favorite thing.

I like that we both had the reaction of, “Damn, this is a great scene.”

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She refuses, though, which is pretty noble.

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No?

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“Avada Kedavra!”

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He was gonna do it anyway.

Here’s a question — how does this spell come about? How do any of these spells come about? Do they just exist because words exist? How do you create new spells? Make up new words? Seems like Snape came up with Sectumsempra all on his own. So how does that work? He created the spell, so it just works now, on its own? Everyone can use it because it’s just there? Also, why only Latin? There must be some spells that work in Mexican. What do Mexican spells sound like?

Colin:

Beanus Refryum? Avada con Pollo? 

Large, poor, and badly governed.

Colin:

I always had a problem with this myself. Like certain spells are just linked to certain word stems. Sectumsempra is like, “cut always” in Latin, right? But there’s also Rictumsempra, which we’ve seen before, and that’s the Tickling Charm. We know that Snape invented it, but Harry’s able to do it without instruction, not even knowing what it’ll do — so we can assume that it’s down to the word and sometimes the wand flick. But if that’s the case, isn’t the incantation inherent to the spell? So does a spell become “unlocked” when a person says the right words?

This is going to sound insanely Wesleyan, but — doesn’t this all place emphasis on language as a preordained construct? How could someone use spells before Latin?

Or are we to assume that there’s a different incantation for all 6800 or so distinct languages in the world? Can you have spells in a new language, like Esperanto? I know it’s a “made up” language, but aren’t they all made up? If there are different incantations in other languages, couldn’t there be a possibility of accidentally casting a spell in a foreign language when you stub your toe, or something? It’s no stranger than summoning the Knight Bus while falling down.

And by the way, fuck that thing.

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So has he just gotten himself three tickets to Azkaban? Or does that only apply to using the curse on people? Is torturing animals and house elves just cool?

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Rack focus!

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“The killing curse. Only one person is known to have survived it.”

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“And he’s sitting in this room.”

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Colin:

Sometimes there’s a person that, when you look into their eyes, you’re overcome with an urge to drink. I have that problem with most people that have eyes.

Seriously though – one of the top five or ten scenes in this franchise, conceptually.

Colin:

Definitely. Also, remember how bad that stuff is supposed to smell and taste? Wouldn’t he have bad breath CONSTANTLY?

Not if you chase Polyjuice with a single malt.

Colin:

Speaking of which, how wasted to you think those Beauxbatons flying horses are right now?

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Did they just skip over Divination? Or is the Divination classroom that one on the left?

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Way to just steal shots from Azkaban.

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“There’s a reason those curses are Unforgivable.”

Oh please. You’re telling me some wizards don’t like a little light Crucio during sex?

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“Neville?”

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“What are you looking at, Neville?”

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“Come, we’ll have a cup of tea. I want to show you something.”

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Which is a nice moment… until you realize what’s actually going on. And then it’s completely shoehorned in exposition for later.

Colin:

“Think my eye is weird? Wait til you see my dick!”

Also, don’t you love how they never explain why Neville is upset? I guess this movie’s subtitle is “Fuck exposition.”

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Colin:

Hah. Glass don’t cry.

I have to.

Colin:

No! Why? Why must you post that? I watched all of it.

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After a certain point, that tear starts to look like snot.

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People be entering their names and shit.

Colin:

I’m pretty sure that force field thing is the same as the purified zone you come across halfway up Pokémon Tower. You step inside and it heals you up, cause there’s that one Channeler who isn’t possessed and trying to eat your brains. So that’s what that is, I’m pretty sure.

Just for fun, they should have Trelawney stand outside the circle and be like, “Oaoaoaoaoao… BRAINS!”

Like that’s not how she is half the time anyway.

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Yeah, right, like it’s gonna pick a black guy!

This Racism Is Killing Me Inside

Colin:

But seriously, Rowling would never allow a black guy to get in. She allowed a Bulgarian to, though. They’re like the black guys of European Caucasians.

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Aww… Cedric.

Colin:

What’s with his nasty hair? How about going a little crazy and taking a shower? You’ve got the nicest bathroom in the school, man. Use it.

But actually, though. The school is connected to the dorms. There’s no reason he should have been outside for any of this.

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And one more shot to… spare.

(Oh, I’m fucking hilarious.)

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It’s like they already know Twilight is coming.

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So that happened.

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Look at the black kid.

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One of two things is happening here, both of which are hilarious. First, he could be trying to get in Cedric’s circle, knowing Cedric doesn’t give a shit about him, so he’s just sort of tagging along, pretending like he’s included. Second, and the more likely of the two, he realized he needed to get the fuck out of the way of the shot so we can see Neville reading the book, which is the more important thing for us to be catching at the moment. It’s still pretty funny, though. I guess he wasn’t there when they went over the blocking.

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Prepare for trouble. And make it double.

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“We did it! Cooked it up this morning!”

“It’s not going to work.”

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I love how every look all the other characters give Hermione is always, “She needs to get laid.”

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“And why’s that, Granger?”

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She explains that Dumbledore did that shit himself. Basically, “You gotta be fucking crazy to think Dumbledore’s gonna be outsmarted by something as stupid as this.”

Colin:

I like her demeanor here, though. With Ron, it’s always an annoyed look and THAT tone. But you don’t pull that shit with Fred and George. They bosses. She’s laughing too. 

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Why is everyone gathered around and clapping?

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You know they’ve Eiffel Tower’d a girl or two in their day. You know they did.

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Well, that worked.

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Also, I love that the reason they’re old is not because they tried to fuck with the system, but because they fucked over each other despite promising they wouldn’t.

Colin:

Fred and George are always great. You can’t dislike them cause they’re always assholes and they’re wittier than anyone else around. They’re anti-establishment and they capitalize on that. Only, it’s England, so instead of getting tattoos and becoming pro skateboarders, they open a joke shop[pe]. 

Which brings me back to this question – so Dumbledore creates an age line. You need to be 17 to put your name into the cup. You’re not 17, it slaps the shit out of you and throws you back. Fair enough. So they take an aging potion that’s meant to make them older – but they’re still putting Fred and George Weasley into the cup. The cup knows they’re not 17. But I guess comic relief knows no logic.

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Reaction shots are the key to comedy.

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Colin:

This part for me was all about the third guy here. We know why Krum’s here, and Karkaroff is klearly there for support. But who’s this third guy who looks like a very young Peter Ustinov?

Fonzworth.

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“Sup, Betushka?”

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Oh man. She gonna get Krumholed.

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This is like Divination. “You’re gonna suffer… but you’re gonna like it.”

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“Now the moment you’ve all been waiting for –”

Colin:

THE BEAUXBATONS STRIP TEAM!

The champion selection.”

Colin:

What did I say?

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Is this Saturday Night Fever?

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Hey, remember when he needed a device to do that three movies ago?

Colin:

Can’t you just have Filch install a dimmer for those lamps?

Wouldn’t it be funny if Dumbledore was doing that and we just cut to Filch using a dimmer at the side of the room?

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He’s Larry David staring that thing.

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That one Durmstrang guy is very interested in this.

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I catch burning paper out of thin air, motherfucker.

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“The Durmstrang champion is – Viktor Krum.”

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What are you celebrating for? You put your name in a goblet and won a random drawing.

Also, you just competed in the Quidditch fucking World Cup. Was that not the plan, for you to be the one who entered?

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“The champion from Beauxbatons – is Fleur Delacoeur.”

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What exactly is the criteria for picking champions? Do they ever (and I know this is a rhetorical question before I ask it) explain how the fuck the Goblet decides shit?

Also, what up, Fleur? I didn’t forget about you.

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“The Hogwarts champion –”

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Jesus, they don’t even wait until he finishes.

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“Cedric Diggory.”

Colin:

And, for the first time in several centuries, Hogwarts cheers for a Hufflepuff. The rule should have been, “None under the age of 17, or dirty Hufflepuffs.” 

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I know that pat. That pat is, “I don’t know who you are, but good job, son.”

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“I’ll be back for all three of you later.”

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“We now have our three champions.”

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“But only one will go down in history. Only one will hoist this chalice of champions.”

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“The Tri-Wizard Cup!”

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Colin:

That shit’s on loan from Flavor Flav. Make me want a Pimm’s Cup. Pimp Cup.

I bet at least one person dipped their balls into that cup.

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I like how Snape’s the only one who’s like, “You motherfuckers see what’s going on over there?”

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Colin:

Oh, hi, I’m Snape, I’m the only motherfucker that pays attention to shit. Nice to meet you.

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Kakarot!

(By the way, in case you don’t recognize who this guy is, he’s in EuroTrip at the end. He’s the guy who they cut to who shouts, “White smoke! They have elected a new pope!” The funny thing is both Colin and I caught this – separately – while watching this movie.)

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“Harry Potter?”

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“What the fuck?”

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“Harry Potter!”

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“Why you hidin’ behind me, motherfucker?”

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“No… no.”

Amazing reaction.

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“Harry, he’s calling you. You have to go.”

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“Motherfucker, get out there!”

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What the fuck is that look? “They’re here!”

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This is a surprisingly common moment in my life.

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I love how as he walks up, they all shout, “He’s a cheat! He’s not even seventeen yet!” Since a week ago they were protesting the rule change. Now they’ve completely bought into it.

This is how North Korea works, isn’t it?

Colin:

It’s funny how your comment assumes that North Korea “works” in any way. I’ve been to the edge of that country, and I’m only 800 miles away right now, and…fuck ’em.

I picture you occasionally remembering North Korea is in a certain direction, and whenever you look that way, your eyes narrow and you just stare at it. Like an ongoing Cuban Missile Crisis.

Colin:

As a matter of fact, they’re 800 miles to my right when I sit on my couch. Just the other day, there was seismic activity in North Korea, which they claim was an underground nuclear test. But I think Lil Kim just had a rumbly tummy.

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She’s like your drunken aunt, coming up to you at a party. She thinks she’s being invested in you, meanwhile she’s just downed her eighth glass of wine and is slurring all her words.

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There’s a look.

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Why have we never seen this place yet?

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He went onto Twilight, she went on to In Bruges. Krum went on to Hostel Part II.

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Is he supposed to run at students and accost them like that?

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He asks if Harry put his name in, or if he asked one of the older students to do it for him. (You could do that without grabbing him by the throat, motherfucker.) Harry says no on both counts.

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“I know you, asshole.”

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They think he’s lying. Moody says bullshit. Only an exceptionally powerful Confundus charm could have hoodwinked it.

That’s such a humblebrag.

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“Magic way beyond the talents of a fourth year.”

And a slap in the face.

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“You seem to have given this a fair bit of thought… Mad Eye.”

Kakarot.

Who is also right.

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“It was once my job to think as dark wizards do, Karkaroff. Perhaps you remember.”

Colin:

That’s his way of saying, “You got priors, motherfucker. You better keep your mouth closed.”

Seriously, though – he’s a better Mad Eye than Mad Eye is.

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“I leave this to you, Barty.”

Wait, what? What happened to badass Dumbledore? Isn’t he supposed to make the decision? Why is he deferring to the government?

Colin:

Crouch in this shot reminds me a lot of Conrad Veidt in Casablanca, with the mustache and the hair. 

And the ending.

“The rules are absolute. The Goblet of Fire constitutes a binding magical contract.”

What? How fucked up is that? That’s like the arranged marriage of wizard events.

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“Mr. Potter has no choice.”

He looks like the doctor in the horror movie after he’s gone crazy and wants to kill people to further his experiments.

Or the villain in Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls.

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“He is, as of tonight, a Tri-Wizard Champion.”

Maybe you should change the name, then. Also – so he doesn’t enter his name into this thing, and is bound to do it? Tell them to go fuck themselves. What’s gonna happen?

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And that stupid hair, too.

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Colin:

I know that look. That’s the ‘your parents are getting divorced and it’s your fault’ look. :(

Harry Potter TV Series Idea: Hogwarts — Home Alone.

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Colin:

Looks like this statue had a little too much butterbeer.

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Kill some bitches, make ‘em bleed, then I stare into my Pensieve.

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“This can’t go on, Albus. First the Dark Mark, now this.”

Oh god. Two things that are pretty harmless. It’s the end of the world!

Think of it this way – someone draws a swastika on the side of the Super Bowl stadium and then someone rigs a contest so the most famous person in the world wins. Fucking scandalous.

Colin:

This is the result of having a universe that’s populated by about 17 people. Anything that goes wrong must be related. I’m convinced that Voldemort is actually a petty criminal, too. He’s supposed to have terrorized the wizarding word and killed people, but that’s probably like…four? Five? I bet there are high school kids with higher body counts than this guy.

This school has a higher body count than he does.

Also, I love that a meeting of teachers involves Dumbledore, McGonagall, Snape and Moody. Flitwick isn’t there because he’s too busy fucking his harem of bitches.

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Anyway, Dumbledore asks, “What do you suggest, Minerva?”

She says, “Put an end to it.”

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What kind of suggestion is that, you stupid bitch?

Oh, I’m sorry. There was supposed to be quotes around that. Since, look at that screenshot. That’s totally what he’s saying.

“Don’t let Potter compete!”

“You heard Barty, the rules are clear.”

(He’s practically rolling his eyes, too. It’s like they’re married.)

“To devil with Barty and his rules. And since when did you accommodate the ministry?”

Colin:

Just say it, Minerva. Fuck Barty. Barty’s a prick.

They were totally at Wizard Woodstock together, fighting against the war. Only one of them never stopped fighting…

(Also, loads of TV Series ideas with that one.)

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But actually. Isn’t it weird for a guy who’s been doing whatever the fuck he wanted for years with his Elder Wand to just be like, “Yeah, go establishment!”?

What do you do when you conquer death? Vote Republican.

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“I, too, find it difficult to believe this mere coincidence. However, if we are to truly discover the meaning of these events, perhaps we should, for the time being, let them unfold.”

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CRAZY EYES.

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“Motherfucker, what?”

Colin:

Let’s pause to acknowledge how this creep is in the back for this whole scene, just checking out Maggie Smith’s bidness.

Why is that creepy? Are we so different?

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“Did this motherfucker say what I just thought he said?”

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“This motherfucker must be crazy.”

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Silent as the grave.

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“I agree – with Severus.”

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He’s sleeping on the couch tonight.

Colin:

How much more dickish can you make that reply?

Also yet another instance of Harry being used as bait.

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Colin:

Look at that Elder Wand!

You know Dumbledore is the type of wizard who would pull out his dick when people entered his office and be like, “Severus… please.”

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Facial expressions.

I also love that during these shots, McGonagall just walks away. Like, “Fuck y’all, then.” But actually, it’s more like, “Oh, so now you’re gonna do your bullshit cryptic statement thing and nothing will get done. Well I’m not sticking around for this bullshit.” One of my favorite moments in the film.

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I also like how he straight up just stopped to pull a memory out of his head in the middle of a conversation.

This would be great for a wizard detective. Able to call up the crime scene again.

(Harry Potter TV series idea.)

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Planking?

I was gonna make a Jesus joke there instead. Maybe I should have.

Or maybe…

Jesus was the original Planker.

Nailed it.

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“Oh, I’m Ron. Watch me angrily fold laundry because I have no way of expressing my feelings like a three-dimensional person.”

He then sulks about, thinking Harry actually did rig it. Because, if that happened to your best friend, naturally the first course of action is to react like that and not ask them. Especially when your two brothers couldn’t do exactly what you’re accusing him of doing. Way to be consistent, feelings.

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“I didn’t ask for this to happen, Ron. You’re being stupid.”

Glad to see we’ve all matured.

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“Yeah, that’s me, I’m a Weasley. Harry Potter’s stupid friend.”

Uh… yeah.

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They all know it, too.

Also, I love the idea of these four people sharing a house together.

Colin:

We only ever hear of Harry, Ron, Seamus, Dean and Neville living in their dorm. So, five Gryffindor boys in that year? Rowling has said there are about 1000 students at Hogwarts, which doesn’t add up. That’d be 250 per house, about 36 per year, give or take 18 each gender each year. Where’s everyone else? Not to mention, the Hogwarts Express is like 4 cars long. 1000 kids? This is one of those things that doesn’t get addressed, and when someone asks, the answer is invariably ‘magic.’

The funny thing is, later in the article, I will voice this exact same concern. I’m going to leave it, because it’s funny to me how we both end up on the same things.

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Anyway, words are said, and they go to bed angry. Aww… and they sleep literally six feet away from one another.

Side note: I kind of want to try the bed curtains thing once in my life.

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Skeet skeet skeet.

Colin:

Rita Skeeter, the cunt.

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Why does he get a staff?

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Why does she introduce herself? Wouldn’t they know who she was when the picture was taken for her paper?

Colin:

Jesus, with the hair in this movie. Harry looks like a homeless guy, and even Cedric! What’s with the Hufflescruff, dickbrain?

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“But of course you know that, don’t you?”

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Oh, snap – it’s not a logic flaw – she’s just actually a cunt!

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Reaction shots are the key to comedy.

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I swear I’ve seen this face on every single Twilight image I’ve ever seen.

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Also, doesn’t she look like she’s grinding up against them creepily?

Harry look like he wanna get all up in that.

That’s also the “I’ve gone too far” face. This is turning to a reverse “Night at the Roxbury” sketch.

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“So… you guys into the group thing?”

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“One at a time is fine too.”

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“Shall we start with the youngest?”

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“Lovely.”

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I love when I set up a joke and the film actually plays into it.

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But actually, though.

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“This is cozy.”

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“It’s a broom cupboard.”

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“Then you should feel right at home, then.”

Wow, that’s cold. What kind of dirty talk is that?

“Yeah, that’s it! Fuck me like your cousin Dudley is listening from atop the stairs! Stick it in me harder than those owls stuck the Hogwarts letters into the mail slot!”

The Boy Who Jizzed

Colin:

I can imagine two possible meanings here — either she knows about Harry’s childhood living arrangements, which he should be creeped out by, or she’s calling him gay, which he should take offense to.

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“You don’t mind if I use a Quick Quotes Quill, do you?”

This is already looking like sex. Getting the contraceptive ready, and she looks like she’s about to pull off her blouse and shit.

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“Oh – oh, no.”

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He’s all fumbling around and shit.

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This one’s not me. This is all the movie right now.

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Anyway, she goes on, writing her own narrative about the whole thing.

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She writes that narrative so hard.

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“Concerned?”

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She’s pretty great, though, Miranda Richardson.

Colin:

I bet she shoves that quill down her pants and then…dictates letters.

Sending a wire up to Beaverton, huh?

WHAT? WHO SAYS WE CAN’T MAKE TELEGRAPH JOKES ANYMORE?

The girl and her trust indeed. Am I right?

(By the way, the 3% of people who got that thought it was fucking hilarious.)

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So she basically makes a bunch of slanderous shit up about him. Apparently the wizarding world doesn’t know the meaning of the word “libel.”

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The worst is that she’s deliberately doing this right in front of him. How did Dumbledore allow this? Does he even give a shit? It’s funny how they build him up to be this mythological wizard, but in actuality, he’s mostly just an aloof dickhead. He has his cool moments, but here’s a dude that basically uses others for his own ends (Snape), raises a kid so he can die (Harry), and otherwise really has no control over the shit that’s happening at his school. “What? Three kids petrified? We have to close the school!” “The Chamber of Secrets? I don’t even know where that is. It’s not like I’ve been running shit here for the past forty years.” “Some dangerous shit going on? Well, just leave it to the government. They’ll handle everything.”

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But yeah, she got that quill that writes what it wants.

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“Hey – my eyes aren’t glistening with the ghosts of my past!”

Amazing the shit people get away with in this universe.

Colin:

One of the jokes in the scene is that she keeps deliberately low-balling Harry’s age for the article. 

Wouldn’t everyone know Harry’s age? If Voldemort’s death was such a big deal and he was a baby, they’d know how old he was. It’s some simple subtraction. They’d be like, “Harry Potter…blah, blah, blah, age…12? But that would mean….1991? But Voldemort got capped in ’89.” And then the Daily Prophet’s office gets covered in owl shit from all the letters.

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When did Hogwarts start looking like Grand Illusion?

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Though I do like how they slowly show us the layout of all the grounds over the course of all the movies. Hughes would be pleased.

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They do love them some owl transitions though, don’t they?

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Ah, the owlery. A place we’ve never seen before.

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It’s covered in owl shit, because apparently Filch doesn’t do his job.

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Is that Moody’s owl?

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Framing.

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Nope – it’s Sirius’s.

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Sirius says that it was too risky sending Hedwig (so Hedwig just stays with him now? Owl swapping?), since after the World Cup the ministry has been intercepting more and more owls, and naturally they’d recognize Hedwig. (Meaning they’re gonna read through Harry’s mail because… why? What exactly did happen at the end of the last movie? What do people know? Do they know Harry tried to save Sirius? Can’t people give evidence about shit? Lupin, Harry, Dumbledore, Ron, Hermione – do they just think Sirius still did it and that everyone suddenly likes him now and is gonna be penpals with him?)

He also says that he needs to see Harry, so he’ll meet him in the Gryffindor common room at 1 am on Saturday night. (Booty call!)

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“P.S. The bird bites.”

Colin:

“The bird bites” isn’t a PS.

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So we cut to the Gryffindor common room on Saturday night, because apparently interesting shit didn’t happen between the two scenes.

So it’s Saturday night and you mean to tell me EVERYONE is sleeping at 1 am? Fred and George aren’t gonna be stumbling in drunk or something?

Also, here’s a question – this is the one common room for the entire house. I’ve seen the Great Hall. The house tables are long as shit. Gryffindor must have, what 200 students in it? You mean to tell me they all live up those stairs? We’re never told just how the dorms work past the fact that they live in this area of the school. Is there wizarding GRS or something? (Harry Potter TV series idea.) How is it possible a) there are no parties on weekends at Hogwarts b) that no one is awake at 1 am on a Saturday c) that we all miraculously bought the separation of men and women between the two dorms? That’s another thing I just realized. The dorms are both coed and single sex at the same time. Men up one set of stairs and women up the other. How does that keep them separated and how aren’t there crazy orgies going on all the time?

Harry Potter TV series idea: Crazy orgies going on all the time.

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“Sirius?”

He says, not listening to the second to last thing Sirius said in his letter – “Make sure you’re alone.” Remember that other time you thought you were alone and then Neville was sitting right there? Maybe you should actually make sure you’re alone this time before you call out the name of a wanted fugitive. The sleepwalking excuse only goes so far, Harry.

All the way up the stairs to the girls’ side, I guess.

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I guess that was a rejected book title.

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Oh, I get it. She writes an op-ed column.

So why the fuck would you let a tabloid journalist onto your campus? Are we led to believe that was media day and they just let everyone in?

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FUCK THIS PAPER!

It’s funny because, that wasn’t his. So whoever has a subscription to that has now gotten their paper thrown out because this motherfucker has anger issues.

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“Did that fire just talk to me?”

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What is this, “A Christmas Carol”?

Scrooge had bed curtains too.

(Also, Gary Oldman played Jacob Marley in the Bob Zemeckis version from a few years ago.)

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Colin:

Magmar!

He looks more like Jesus. Maybe that’s why muggles keep seeing Jesus in shit. It’s just wizards talking to other wizards.

Harry Potter TV series idea: This.

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He doesn’t have much time. He wants to know if Harry put his name into the Goblet of Fire.

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Harry says no. So naturally the second question is for Harry to “tell me about this dream of yours.”

Apparently this was in a letter he sent Sirius. So he’s telling him about his dreams now. Uh huh…

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The dream was basically the first scene of the film. Harry saw Voldemort and Wormtail (they just call him Wormtail now?), but there was also a third man.

Don’t drop references to one of my five favorite films of all time and expect me not to catch it.

Harry explains that Harry Lime was gonna be used to get him. Sirius says these things aren’t coincidences – “Hogwarts isn’t safe anymore.”

When has Hogwarts been safe, exactly? I feel like every movie now, it’s, “Hogwarts is no longer safe.” When the fuck is it safe, then? Four movies in and already we’ve had two Voldemort disciples as teachers (Defense AGAINST the Dark Arts, no less), a giant snake killing people, a werewolf as a teacher, a presumed murderer and madman on the loose just roaming the grounds, an actual murderer masquerading as a student’s pet rat, a Death Eater who has the ear of the Minister of Magic and can get people fired at will, and a troll in the dungeon!

Colin:

Not to mention the hundreds of soul-sucking grim reapers flying around freezing everything, plants that can kill you with sound, giant spiders, bewitched bludgers, strangulating vines, a tentacle rape tree, and face hugging textbooks.

♫ “We didn’t start the fire…” ♫

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Sirius explains that Igor Karkaroff used to be a Death Eater, and “once a Death Eater, always a Death Eater.”

Harry Potter TV series idea: An episode with a reformed Death Eater trying to find legitimate work and being turned down because people figure he’s still evil.

Sirius also says Barty Crouch sent his own son to Azkaban. (And apparently no one knows he got out.)

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Nice shot.

Colin:

Are these paintings all cool with what’s going on? We’ve seen that photos and paintings often have allegiances to certain people. Would these not rat him out for talking to the most wanted man in the whole wizarding world?

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Sirius says whoever put his name in the Goblet is no threat to Harry, since people die in the tournament.

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“I’m not ready for this, Sirius.”

Bitch.

Sirius says he has no choice. WHY DOES NO ONE EXPLAIN WHY HE HAS NO CHOICE?

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Someone’s coming.

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Maybe it’s Nosferatu.

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Why would you walk barefoot in a stone castle? That shit must be freezing. Do they magically climate control the school or something?

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“Who are you talking to?”

Jealous wife, much?

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“Maybe you’re imagining things. Wouldn’t be the first time.”

This is a lover’s quarrel.

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Sirius is gone, and only now has the paper caught on fire.

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So Harry is just hanging out with Neville now?

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And here come Ron, Hermione and Ginny. Because they can’t do anything without Harry.

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Look at this shot. The amount of possibilities for what to write over this image is too great to handle.

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Hermione’s like, “Look, motherfucker, be civil.” And Ginny’s there because…?

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“What is it you needed to ask me, Harry?”

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“Do you know the spell that prevents me from having sex with you?”

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“Harry, I don’t think there’s a spell for something like that.”

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“Exactly.”

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The actual exchange was – “Ronald would like me to tell you that Seamus told him, that Dean was told by Pavarti that Hagrid’s looking for you.”

But you know my version was better.

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“What?”

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“What was that again?”

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“Please don’t ask me to say it again.”

Nice moment.

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“Well you can tell Ronald –”

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“I’m not an owl!”

THAT’S RIGHT! Tell that motherfucker!

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“Yeah, whatever, motherfucker.”

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Apparently Hermione and Ginny are girlfriends now.

Also, ANGRY LOOKS!

Colin:

This high school bullshit – did people ever do this? I think I remember someone trying this in middle school and I just walked away from them and never spoke to them again. If you try this shit with me, I will amputate you and never look back.

I love how Neville is just ignorant of all of this, and his only point for being in the scene was to set up a plot point for later.

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So Harry and Hagrid walk through the hilariously un-scary Dark Forest. (Apparently Hagrid no longer cares about students being out of bed. Eleven, that’s a travesty. Fourteen – ehh, you’re all right.)

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“What the fuck are you wearing a flower for?”

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“Hagrid, have you combed your hair?”

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“Motherfucker, don’t you ruin this for me.”

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Is there glitter in that wig? Where’d he get it from, the Lady GaGa Collection?

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What is that, The Fog?

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We hear Madame Maxime’s voice call out for Hagrid and Hagrid tells Harry to put the cloak on. (What the fuck is HE gonna get to watch?)

Colin:

I’m sure this is a big opportunity he won’t want to miss. Should be massively enlightening. Hugely entertaining. 

Giants fucking.

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“What the FUCK?”

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Yeah, he probably does that too.

You ever lick giantess pussy?

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He wants to show her something. (“Get in the car, you’ll see.”)

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Colin:

Where’s the Australian wizard that yells, “SHOOT HER! SHOOT HER!”?

This note used to begin with Colin saying, “What are those boxes holding?” but I cut it out because I’m incapable of not following that question up with, “WHAT’S IN THE BOX?!!” I felt the Jurassic Park reference was more important than my obsessive compulsions.

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Just so we’re clear – that’s not a dick, it’s his thumb.

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There’s your Magmar, though.

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Her nostrils are vagina-sized.

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“Dragons?”

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“That’s the first task? You’re joking!”

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“Come on, Harry, quit being such a bitch. Dragons are seriously misunderstood creatures.”

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Uh huh.

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“Though I will say – that one’s a nasty fucker. Ron almost passed out when he saw it.”

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“Ron was here?”

“His brother Charlie brought them over from Romania.”

(Harry Potter TV series idea: They bring other things over from Romania.)

Colin:

Do wizards get mail-order brides? Do they arrive by owl?

Ron didn’t tell him that. Harry’s not happy. (Though wouldn’t you interpret that as Ron getting Hagrid to tell Harry to help him out? Also, what the fuck ARE they fighting about?)

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Way to support the school. You motherfuckers have two entrants this year, and you completely throw one under the Magic School Bus.

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Apparently everyone hates him all of a sudden, too.

Colin:

Fuck you, school. Who saved the day twice already and kinda sorta last year, but nobody knew about it? And now you’re all, “Potter stinks.” Well, you know what? YOU stink. I hope you’re all murdered by blast-ended skrewts. I’d have punched that girl right in her face. Also, just so you know — that’s Hannah Abbott, and she ends up married to Neville Longbottom. What goes around comes around, ho.

I got a case of the blast-ended skrewts once after a bad bowl of chili.

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“It’s not what it looks like.”

Sure it isn’t.

Harry needs a word.

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“Dragons.”

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“That actually was a word.”

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That’s not creepy or suspicious.

Though I will say – they did set this up by having Dumbledore tell him to keep an eye on Harry. So I’ll give this shot a pass, despite how obvious it is.

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BEER GOGGLES!

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“About the badges – I’ve asked them not to wear them.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

Harry don’t give a fuck.

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Colin:

Ron’s chilling with Seamus all of a sudden. And Seamus is talking about how shit randomly blows up around him! Yes!

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Harry just goes up to confront Ron, who looks like Frodo after he’s held the ring for too long.

Colin:

“You’re a right foul git, you know?” Please, pleeeease do the TV show and do it with profanity. I need some bad words. Because so far in this movie, “fuck” is still a more unforgivable curse than Avada Kedavra.

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There’s Draco, sitting up in a tree? Why? I don’t know.

Draco:

Trees soothe me.

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So were they all just hanging out at the base of the tree while Draco sat up in it?

Draco says he has a bet with his father. He doesn’t think Potter will last ten minutes in the tournament. Lucius disagrees. He thinks Harry won’t last five.

Oh, snap!

But you know the relationship between Draco and Lucius isn’t all that good. Lucius clearly barely talks to Draco and is completely dismissive of him and treats him like a disappointment. And the only few moments of pleasant conversation they get is when Draco brings up Potter and they can both hate on him together. But you know Draco does it way too much and Lucius is like, “Leave it the fuck alone, Draco,” and then Draco has to go sit in his room in shame.

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“I don’t care, motherfucker. Your father’s an asshole, and you’re a pathetic little shit.”

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“Pathetic –”

Remember last movie when they were gonna settle this with fists? Apparently wands are what they do now.

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Top marks for transfiguration.

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“I’ll teach you to curse someone when their back is turned, sonny.”

For a Death Eater, he has a real sense of fair play.

Colin:

I love Moody, or…whatever we’re calling him right now. That’s super illegal, what he did there. But it’s hilarious, so it’s also somehow correct.

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Is this an Imperio or just a simple “fuck you” curse?

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“What the fuck are you doing?”

“Teaching.”

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“Is that a student?”

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“Technically, it’s a ferret.”

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And he puts Malfoy down Crabbe’s pants.

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As Goyle reaches in to pull him out.

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“My father will hear about this.”

What doesn’t he hear about, Draco?

Colin:

PS – This is the spell that I was talking about during Prisoner of Azkaban. Whatever it is, it returns things to its normal form, which would theoretically have exposed Peter Pettigrew dozens of times, considering he was regularly used for transfiguration practice. You can argue that the rat form still counts as his original form, but since it’s classified as a form of transfiguration itself, I say it’s covered.

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“Is that a threat?”

That is the correct response.

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“I could tell you stories about your father that would curl even YOUR greasy hair, boy!”

Which brings up a good question — does Lucius know about this? Because what do you do when you find out a guy also working for your boss was a dick to your son?

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“Really, now.”

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“It doesn’t end here!”

I like this. He’s the kinda guy that’s gonna wait til Draco comes around the corner and punch him in the fucking stomach so hard he can’t breathe.

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She reminds him that they never use transfiguration as punishment.

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If she didn’t admonish you for doing that same thing, she’d have fucked your day up right there. Because she’d know you did that, even if she didn’t see you.

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Moody brings Harry with him into his office.

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So the Polyjuice potion extends to severed limbs?

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 730

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 731

Colin:

You know that if you caught Moody at the wrong time, he’d have a couple owlheads up in his office.

He also seems like the kind of guy who’d randomly have one-armed pirates in his office, and other sinister looking guys. And they’re dealing in some shit that’s clearly black market and super illegal. And rather than be concerned about being caught, they’re just like, “What the fuck do you want?”

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 732

He’s got a gimp, too.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 733

“Won’t even bother telling you what’s in there. You wouldn’t believe it if I did.”

I think we have a 10-82.

(They import other things from Romania.)

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 734

“What are you going to do about your dragon?”

If I had a nickel…

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 735

“Well, you see… what had happened was…”

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 736

Moody says that the other contestants surely have plans for what they’re gonna do – Cedric is great at transfiguration, Fleur “is as much a fairy princess as I am” (which – what exactly does he mean by that? She like to get nasty? Or that he likes to dress up in silk gowns and tiaras at night?), and Krum is getting help from Karkaroff. Which is something we always presumed – Maxime and Karkaroff are helping their contestants. And Dumbledore ain’t doing shit for his. Cedric has no help at all, and Harry is getting help from one of the teachers. This really is public school.

Colin:

Moody can multiply by nines! (“How do I reach these keeeeds?”)

Which – here’s a question – are the Dumstrang and Beauxbatons students being taught by the Hogwarts professors all year? Or are they bringing their own staffs with them? Are the Hogwarts professors being paid extra for having to teach triple the class sizes?

Harry Potter TV series idea: Unions.

Colin:

This is the interesting thing about the wizarding economy. I’ve already noted that it’s purely a service economy now because manufacturing is a non-starter. But think about this — unless your job requires great skill or considerable experience, it can be done by pretty much anyone regardless of capital. If Madam Pomfrey went on strike tomorrow, Madam Hooch could be up there dishing out medicine and referring back to a spell book for any slightly tricky healing spells. No need for medical school.

Why would you ever need interns? There are house elves to do things, or you can just enchant things to do themselves, like we see in the Weasley house. I’m betting the minimum wage is a major concern in the wizarding world, cause otherwise, poor wizards could undercut the competition and just use the same spells to do the job. It’s not like you get tired. But yeah, this is what happens when you have an econ major scrutinize a fantasy franchise. 

Harry Potter TV series idea: Wizard plantations.

(Not like Malfoy Manor. I’m talking, full on — you know what I mean.)

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 738

But anyway, he says the other contestants have strategies and will play to their strengths. What are Harry’s strengths?

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 739

Harry can fly well.

It’s funny when you realize he doesn’t really have any strengths.

But he’s not allowed a broom. (He knows the rules? When was he given the rules? He just found out there were dragons last night. How the fuck do you now what you can do or can’t do?)

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 740

“You’re allowed a wand.”

And that’s where we’ll END PART II.

– – – – – – – – – –

We continue tomorrow with Part III, and dragons, dancing, and date-finding.

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

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