Fun with Franchises: Star Wars Episode V – The Empire Strikes Back (1980), Part II — “Maybe One of Those Asteroids Is Leia’s Father”

Today we begin another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back. Part II.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin (whose blog is TokyoRemix.com. Fuck yeah, promotion!), who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Star Wars franchise, and today is the second part of Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back:

We begin Part II as the Rebels prepare for an Imperial attack.

I really love this set.

“Donny — a little ‘Low Rider’.”

Colin:

I said that at work as we were about to kick off a new project and one of my coworkers put both his index fingers up and started shaking them. It’s moments like that — you don’t hate the universe.

A princess who also acts as C.O. for an attack? Okay.

(What makes her qualified for this, by the way?)

Here’s an awesome idea – ice trenches.

Is that a laser cannon?

(Or do they really want to catch that next episode of The Hughleys?)

I’ve always remembered this shot. For some reason, this shot reminds me of everything I love about this movie.

(Don’t ask me why. I’m weird.)

Those guys in the center are completely focused on the attack. But the dude on the right is looking at that computer the way you look at the hood of a smoking car. “The goddamn distributor cap is fucking up again.”

And the other woman gets a line.

Is that a tit that fires mortars?

A tit that hits spaceships.

I love that they still have that coloring for explosions.

That thing looks like a flying sticky bomb.

“I’m gonna lean up against you, you just lean right back against me. This way we don’t have to sleep with our heads in the mud.”

Colin:

It’s funny, cause he dies.

Oh, Bubba, no!

Colin:

It’s always cool in war movies when soldiers are staring out into the mist or haze and the enemy materializes suddenly. That was so good in The Longest Day, when Hans Blech is staring out of the pill box at the English Channel the morning of D-Day. And Gert Frobe is delivering coffee on horseback before shells start going off all around him.

Hans Blech sounds like a name that would cause this reaction.

Well goddamn. This is some trenches shit. I can fucks with that.

I knew there was a reason this was always my favorite.

AT-AT’s.

Colin:

See, they’re not “SE-4821s,” they’re Imperial Walkers. I like a name, instead of a useless designation.

It’s weird how during the ensuing battle it takes them so long to figure out their weakness. Since — it should be pretty obvious.

These things look like those teenagers who start working out and only lift weights and don’t do anything else, so they have ridiculous arms and like, three inch legs.

Is this all you can conjure, Saruman?

Right?

(You can ride his tail anytime, Wedge.)

(Also, is there anything more badass than the guy playing the guitar in that video?)

(No. The answer is no. No there isn’t.)

Colin:

You’re right. Nothing more badass. There might be something more epic.

If only those guys would get in a band with this guy.

Top it off with this guy, and we got ourselves a fucking party.

These trenches are making me… snow happy.

This battle is amazing, though. It’s hard to really comment on a lot of it, because it’s action. But it’s incredible. Honestly the best part of this original trilogy.

Isn’t it great that they’re not CG at all?

These things are starting to rust Statue of Liberty color.

Why does he get a Vader helmet?

That’s Vader’s helmet.

(That’s Simone’s cake.)

Ha ha. Holograms come in pint size.

Look at him. He’s such an adorable little mass murderer.

So they just happen to have those things in their planes, huh?

Colin:

THIS is when I should have mentioned Swat Kats! Remember the TurboKat? Their junkyard jet that looked a lot like a quilted F-14? It had every possible weapon you could ever conceive of. Missiles that had buzzsaws on them, or sound wave missiles, a cement machine gun — everything. That’s how this looks. They just assess the situation on the spot and randomly have something that’ll do just the trick. You know how often that happens in the real world? Fucking NEVER. That’s why I’m always so impressed while watching Iron Chef. They get ingredients and just fucking go. And I’m at home cooking shit like, “Damn it! I don’t have cardamom! I have an onion. Will an onion work? Oh, strike that, it’s a potato.”

Man. I guarantee that’s the first time anyone referenced Swat Kats AND Iron Chef in the same paragraph. Probably in the same article. But back to the AT-ATs.

What’s funny is Robert Downey Jr. just joined a movie about a chef, and I’m just waiting for people to start calling it “Iron Chef.”

(This joke is gonna be so timely in about three years.)

That still only counts as one!

Colin:

Have a nice trip, see you next fall!

He’s got a bad back. From a week back.

What’s that about? “Come on!” Like, “They showed us it’s okay, now we can go charge confidently!” What the fuck are you charging at? The AT-ATs? Motherfucker, they’re gigantic! I can see if you took out a row of soldiers or took down their shields (like…. ugh, I can’t believe I’m about to say this… Phantom Menace), but you’re literally about to go charge something that’s at least a thousand times bigger than you are.

Would you run at Megatron? I mean, honestly.

I hope you all get mowed down like bowling pins.

Here’s a question – if you know the armor won’t be pierced, why are you still firing at them?

Colin:

Considering that they’re called “blasters,” they don’t make much of a blast, do they? Where’s the armor-piercing weapons, or the explosive type? Physical projectiles do damage, too. Or those Gungan blue balls (hah.) that seem to hit and zap anything mechanical, regardless of how thick its armor is? Wouldn’t you have some of those things? Also, we’ll see in the new trilogy, (during the space battle at the beginning of Revenge of the Sith) that some of their large weapons fire laser projectiles, but still eject empty cartridges. What’s that about? Explain.

So the armor can be pierced if it falls down?

Colin:

No, I’m pretty sure it’s that spot on the top of the neck that’s not covered in thick plating. It’s only exposed because the AT-AT fell and the head’s at a funny angle (my man Ade knows what I’m talking about), so they went for it. That’s how I always saw it anyway. It’s the part right between the head and the body — literally, the jugular.

WAIT, so they have the same weakness as the Uruk-hai? Their armor is weak at the neck, and beneath the arm?

Jesus Christ, George. How about making it a little less obvious where you steal from.

I like how he’s calmly putting his shit together while people are dying above him.

Soak it in, folks, this is the last time Han will be cool from here on out.

Yeah, but keep running at it. I’m sure that’ll work out well for you.

How much can that thing shoot? Is there a finite number of lasers it can fire before it gets overheated or something? Or is it just infinite? Does it cost them nothing to keep firing, or are they just being stupid because they’re gonna run out eventually? Because one way makes them stupid, the other makes sense and gives them nothing to lose.

Colin:

That cannon is pretty useful. Shouldn’t they be firing that constantly? Maybe it uses up a lot of juice with each shot.

Right, though?

Colin:

Drink, you guys.

What the fuck is that mini thing?

Whoa. Klantrooper.

Colin:

Whoever this guy is who seems to be commanding the walkers, I like how sinister he looks without having any introduction or real dialogue. You can tell he’s enjoying this. Also how he tells Vader that he, “may” start his landing. This feels so British – like regardless of who outranks whom, there are still things one may or may not do. Try telling your American superior in that tone that they “may” do something now, and the answer will be, “Of course I MAY, asshole. I MAY do whatever I fucking want, cause I’m running this shit.”

He looks like a cross between Laurence Olivier and Scott Higgins, to be honest.

(I bet Scott would love to hear that.)

This must have been so much fun to shoot.

Wedge has been doing too much cocaine.

Colin:

This ain’t Wedge. And Wedge doesn’t die. But anyway, fake Wedge gets shot down, and now Luke goes down. Some pilot he is, getting hit all the time. Never letting him on my team at LaserQuest.

I love these Nintendo controllers they have.

Normally this would mean instant death.

Colin:

Aw, Luke got his buddy killed by flying incorrectly. First R2 gets shot, now this guy. If you’re ever behind Luke Skywalker in a vehicle, you’re fucking doomed.

But naturally it’s our main character, so the plane only becomes electrified for like, ten seconds.

Seriously, was this just out of convenience? Remember how everyone else blew up when this happened? What’s up with that?

Oh, I guess it’s gonna give him enough time to get out before it blows up. Owing to… what? The location? Or the fact that he’s our protagonist?

I’m gonna let it go, but only because —

REAR PROJECTION!!!!

They’re evacuating. She’s refusing to go just yet, and Han’s like, “Bitch, I’m not leaving before you get on your ship.”

Colin:

This is some scary shit. But I don’t accept this whole invasion scenario unless there’s a guy in the corner with a barrel, burning documents. The Nazis had that shit on lock – watch any WWII movie that features the end of the war, and you’ll invariably have that scene where officers are running around barking orders, and some secretary is handing off files to a lowly lieutenant who throws them into the barrel of fire. That’s how you know shit is real and the Soviets are right up the street. 

Also, that droid got fucked up.

Holy shit, look at those dead eyes.

(I’d like to thank the two people reading who got that joke. Nothing like an obscure reference to a class we took years ago.)

She wants to stay… but she also kinda wants the dick.

Look at the sack on that @@.

This might be the funniest shot in the movie for me. You JUST ran at them, all fired up. That’s incredible.

“He did it! Come on!” and then immediately, “OH MY GOD WE MADE A HORRIBLE DECISION! RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!”

They all deserve this.

This is the first time Luke starts becoming useful. Which — between him and Han, is a zero sum game. This means Han is gonna stop to make sure Leia gets out. That’s how this works.

Good thing he has his Batman utility belt with him.

Tally ho!

I like this shot. I’ll also admit, what Luke does here is actually badass. I got on his case for being useless in the last film, but here, he gets better.

But, like I said… at what cost?

I also like how he just goes, “Fuck it,” and tears into it, hoping to fuck something important up. Because that’s what you do.

In the newer films, R2 would have been linked into the plans and would have been like, “You have to take out this box right here.” And it would have sucked. Here it’s just, “I have no idea how this thing works, so RAHHHH!”

Grenade!

Colin:

I’ve always wondered why a grenade would be that color. And I think someone just gave it an extra E.

Get it?

Greenade!

That’s how you take out a motherfucker!

That AT-AT in the back looks all depressed and shit. The Snuffleupagus of walkers.

I like those random little chests sitting there. They help make the set look nicer, they’re probably extra generators or something (since they sure as shit ain’t ammo), and I like to think that if they open them up, they’ll get +50 HP or something.

Also, I like how the people in that AT-AT have clearly just seen the other two taken out and are like, “Fuck it, we got this.”

Wonder Twin Powers Activate!

Colin:

That’s Daft Punk. Most of the Empire is Daft Punk.

I bet a lot of guys just stand around, calling everyone who walks by “Daft Punk.” And if they don’t look at them, then they are Daft Punk.

Nice coloring.

Colin:

The perspective from inside the walkers is so badass. You almost want there to be maniacal laughter to go with it. It’s always nice to crush your enemies and see them driven before you, cause that’s what’s best in life. We’ll get to the lamentations of their women in just a second.

I like the smoke. It makes it almost look out of focus at the bottom of the frame.

Colin:

DID I CALL IT OR WHAT?! The first thing we hear after they cut back to the interior of the base is Carrie Fisher screaming. Conan would be so pleased.

Oh shit, he’s here. And he’s in the prime of his life!

Colin:

This franchise got leitmotif like a motherfucker, though.

Just be glad it doesn’t have leishmaniasis.

I guess you can say this base just got… inVadered.

GREAT set.

I like how Vader calmly walks to everything, not caring if people get away or not.

Also, of course the Falcon doesn’t start.

Be glad Han doesn’t drop the keys and get all white girl nervous.

“Would it help if I got out and pushed?”

“It might.”

I love that the Stormtroopers are either wearing burkas or Klan hoods.

Naturally it starts just in time. Right as Vader gets there to see it take off.

Colin:

Everyone loves a vehicle that sputters and then works when you hit it really hard.

(Just like Lana Turner.)

Is he gonna practice his aim too?

Colin:

But naturally, the Falcon comes through and flies off AGAIN as Imperial forces are trying to shoot it down. Ain’t happening, baby.

Also, they totally just left Luke.

Is that a zeppelin?

Also, why’s that guy holding his arm like John Wayne?

Colin:

There’s a strange lack of urgency wherever Luke and these other pilots are. Bad guys are in the base, and having landed from above, could feasibly be approaching from all sides. There are also still a bunch of star destroyers up there waiting, but I guess that doesn’t matter. The tension’s done, so we’re through with the scene. Time to go to Dagobah.

“Motherfuckers just left us.”

That’s cool, though. Luke’s got his own shit to do.

On Dagobah.

I’ve always loved shots of R2 in space.

Oh, but the Falcon’s not out of danger yet.

Naturally the hyperdrive system is damaged.

I like how everyone just sits there and critiques him as he drives.

I like the idea that they’re being chased by these giant ships, and then the TIE fighters come in to attack as well. Reminds me of boss levels, where the big boss is there, and does their little attack combo, and along the way, the little minions keep coming at you and take off minimal damage and are easy as shit to kill, only they’re just annoying as shit.

Kind of like Cell Jrs. (If the rest of your team aren’t a bunch of pussies who can’t handle them, that is.)

Love shots inside ships like this.

Also, nice maneuvering. This is really where we get to see Han actually show his skills as a pilot.

Colin:

If you’ve ever been chased by a shark, that’s how this must feel. Only this is way worse.

Now’s a good time to imagine that hybrid jet/shark thing we talked about last franchise.

3PO wasn’t born in Zion.

Oh, but the hyperdrive is still broken.

Colin:

A word of wisdom – if the person you’re trying to reason with won’t listen to you, try telling someone who will listen to you that might be able to relay the message. Leia seems to be available, but I’m sure C3PO is simply unfamiliar with human etiquette and protocol.

But it’s cool, because we can fix it while under attack and evading enemy fighters.

Who needs to fly shit?

Now there’s a perfectly timed asteroid field.

Maybe one of those asteroids is Leia’s father.

3PO creeps me out.

That asteroid looks like a xenomorph.

“Sir, the odds of successfully navigating an asteroid field are…”

“Never tell me the odds.”

He must hate Vegas.

Colin:

Classic Han line. “Never tell me the odds!” Which is so great, and kinda fits Indiana Jones, too. He just does crazy shit knowing he’ll pull it off, and it’s better not to think about what a reasonable person would say.

Colin:

This sweeping horn fanfare always sort of reminded me of the part in The Hunt for Red October as they’re navigating Red Route I, the canyon, and the music picks up just after Sam Neill yells, “Step on it!” I know Mike knows exactly what I’m talking about.

I still think that’s the music that just plays out in the streets in Russia everyday. I’d be very disappointed if I went there and that wasn’t the case.

Colin:

But at any rate, something about that part of that tune reminds me of Williams’ score here as they’re flying through the asteroid field, which is funny because when you think about it the concepts are somewhat similar. I guess the songs themselves aren’t THAT alike, but that’s always been an association in my head. Either way, John Williams earned his dollar the day he wrote this.

I just realized they repeated this exact same chase in Attack of the Clones.

Jesus, George.

Colin:

Hah. It’s funny, cause Mike’s not as into these movies as I am, so he gets to discover the horrible callbacks. They are legion.

Nice shot.

Again, this reminds me of The Magic School Bus in space.

They’re gonna land on one of the big ones.

It’s weird that this universe randomly has this size asteroids just floating around.

The windshield is actually the most underrated part of the Millenium Falcon.

(Unless he has a full bar in there somewhere.)

(Or a shag pad.)

Independence Day. You know it, I know it. It’s obvious.

I also like how this thing moves in all sorts of directions.

Big fan of how it lands places.

Colin:

Anyway, baller ass flying, especially the slick loop he pulls at the end to go down into the hole.

This sounds like basketball announcers commentating during sex.

“And a SLICK loop as he goes down into the hole!”

Colin:

Muscle car speed, slick pimp looks.

Sure, just go into a cave. Maybe check for UBL while you’re in there.

I like how whenever they cut inside the ship it’s always a two-line snippy exchance between the two of them.

Dagobah and me want go home.

Colin:

Dude, your ship takes off and lands vertically, and can do both pretty slow. Think you might wanna ease into this landing rather than going all Denzel?

Good job, Luke.

Maybe land a little slower next time.

(Take a drink, everyone.)

It’s also weird that Yoda would go here for his golden years. It’s nothing but fucking swamps. Mosquitoes and shit.

What the fuck does he eat?

I think The Rescuers is taking place a couple miles up the way.

Go home, R2, you are drunk.

Yes, just shout after him. I’m sure that’ll do the trick. Anytime an electrically based object falls into water, it’s clearly gonna be able to function properly.

You gotta be shitting me.

Well now what?

Colin:

I love this. There’s that second of, “Oh shit, I dropped the toaster in the bathtub! What am I gonna do for bagels from now on, eat them untoasted?!” But then R2 pops his periscope dick up and you know it’s all good. And he’s singing a goofy little song.

(The link was me. In case you weren’t sure.)

(Though I guess a ‘goofy little song’ would be more like this.)

(There we go. Now I guess you can say we’re seeing… I2I.)

(Also, you’re crazy if you don’t think I’m gonna link to that song.)

I must say, though — I like that there really aren’t any dangerous creatures here. It’s just swampy.

That’s not so bad.

Mosquitoes must suck, but that’s about it.

(Also, I do hope you all caught that beautiful pun.)

(I know. I’m malarious.)

How come your ship doesn’t have a reverse gear?

Look at this drunk motherfucker.

Colin:

That’s why we don’t just jump into a misty ass swamp on a planet we’ve never been too. Remember that bit about “massive life readings?” That’s what your ship was trying to tell you. Maybe the whole swamp is made of flesh-eating bacteria.

Yeah, that’s pretty accurate.

Colin:

That was me in college.

That was me on Monday.

And that is the proper reaction.

They’re milking this Imperial March for all it’s worth in this one.

This is pretty cool that they show you this stuff without explaining it. Again, owing to the benefits of starting a franchise in the middle.

Colin:

So, Plinkett pointed this out in a review, but this scene really is great, and you would never get it in the new films. Here’s a hint, filmmakers: FRAMING. Filming Vader in this position inside the creepy egg thing gives us some depth to his character, some mystery to who or what he really is, and just all around weirds us out a bit. Something is different between him and a normal guy. They also did this so you could confirm that he isn’t in fact a droid. This could have been done on a screen or via hologram, or even just in person – but they did it this way for the added effect, and it worked.

Meanwhile, back on the asteroid…

Colin:

C3PO has a blind date with the hyperdrive. It’s cool that even ships have personalities and that C3PO can talk to them. You know the Falcon’s a sultry broad.

I imagine it being one of those Brooklyn chicks.

(Real Brooklyn chicks. Not that bullshit they have now.)

Whoa, tremors!

Well that worked out nicely, didn’t it?

“Let me go.”

“Don’t get excited!”

“Captain, being held by you is quite enough to get me excited.”

Oh, I bet it is.

“I don’t have time for anything else.”

I love the nod afterward, too, like, “Yeah, he’s right. We don’t.”

Now she’s thinking how there could be.

Colin:

Yeah! HAN COPPIN’ A FEEL! He really is a boss. I take it all back, he doesn’t get boring til later. You know you’ve done your job when the chick twirls around with a conflicted look on her face as you leave the room. Such is the way of things. Mike said that back at the base was the last time he was cool — he’s still cool. He’s getting there with a princess. He’s still plenty cool.

Luke knows how to travel. Always pack a hobo bindle in case of emergencies.

Colin:

I’ve brought this up before, but every time you use the term ‘hobo bindle,’ my mind then goes to ‘grundle bundle.’

So I guess you can say that term has been… tainted, for you.

God, I love when shots are framed like this. Remember this, Hollywood? (Of course you don’t, it was before 2008.)

I love that they just randomly decided to put a snake in the frame.

Colin:

And now Luke’s giving R2 a handy-j.

Handy-J sounds like a member of a rap group or something.

Aww… he packed granola bars.

But he hears something.

Colin:

When he said there was something familiar about Dagobah, as a kid I always assumed he and Leia were born there or that they had been there as babies or something. But they were born on Polis Massa and then split up. So I guess Luke’s just feeling some Jedi presence or something and that’s what’s so familiar about it.

Or someone.

If that were me, he’d have been dead. No questions asked.

Swamps tell no tales.

I know how to dump a person in the mahsh.

“Away put your weapon. I mean you no harm.”

Colin:

It’s no mistaking that voice. Frank Oz doing this goofy Yoda voice sounds a lot like Frank Oz doing Fozzie Bear.

Wocka Wocka is Chewie’s cousin.

What up, Yoda? Your head looks like an old man’s ballsack.

Colin:

I’m glad you brought that up, because the guy who designed Yoda’s face — Stuart Freeborn — just passed away in February. Freeborn was a makeup artist who was given the task of creating Yoda’s features. He started with his own face, scrunched it a little bit and then add Einstein wrinkles for that air of intelligence. So his face will live on as Yoda, who has to be one of the most recognizable non-humans in cinema. He did some pretty big films in his day, including Bridge on the River Kwai, Dr. Strangelove, and 2001: A Space Odyssey.

He’s talking about Yoda, of course. Not Stuart Freeborn.

“Mein Fuhrer! Walk, I can!”

“I’m sorry, Dave. Do that, I cannot.”

“Gentlemen, fight in here, you cannot. The war room, this is.”

He doesn’t look too good in warm lighting.

Colin:

Already dropping wisdom. Wars not make one great. Truth. Questionable sexual orientation and a horse named Bucephalus make one great.

There are no puns left to conquer.

Also, Bucephalus just sounds like something you use in bukkake.

Colin:

That’s because he did.

Yoda just ate a doody!

And he just steals shit.

Colin:

Yoda is the original troll…in both the physical and slang definitions of the word.

Yoink!

Oh, wait – he saw that shit comin’.

What kind of fucked up Jedi master is this?

Isn’t it weird when you realize this is what we see of Yoda when we first meet him?

Colin:

I love crazy little people. The only thing that could make this better is if Yoda also had booze. Dagobeer, or something. Oh, but don’t Dagos drink wine? Whatever.

Dagobar.

Colin:

You know Obi-Wan’s Force ghost is watching all of this, like, “I hope you’re having fun with this asshole. I sent him here, just train the fucking kid.”

Luke wants to know about Yoda.

Yoda says he’ll take him to see Yoda.

I love how one a desolate planet that’s nothing but swamps, not once does Luke think this might BE Yoda. The common sense is not strong with this one.

Colin:

It’s always fun when someone’s shitty and condescending to you and then you find out like a second later that they had no idea what the fuck was going on.

I like how he just leaves R2 here.

I feel like, in the prequels, this would be the part where a bunch of swamp toughs come over and try to loot shit, and R2 randomly has electroshocks on him for when they try to touch him.

(Or maybe R2 would just join up in the gang. He seems the type. Los Locos, baby.)

This scene can go a lot of different ways.

Colin:

Oh, I love bitches that can weld. She love dem G spot welds. ANOTHER WELDING JOKE!

But I guess we do know one thing — by the end of the scene, something will be… forged.

See what I mean about different ways?

Goddamn right. Don’t take that shit from him.

Flirty flirty.

“Stop that.”

“My hands are dirty.”

“My hands are dirty too, what are you afraid of?”

(– Macbeth, sleeping with the wife)

“You like me because I’m a scoundrel. There aren’t enough scoundrels in your life.”

Colin:

Good work. He knows how to get it in. She likes scoundrels, give her the scoundrel. It’s like the Death Star in the tractor beam. Once she was hooked, there was no avoiding it; all he has to do is point out how she’s trembling and stuff.

The Scoundrel sounds like it should be on Urban Dictionary.

OH YEAH!

Colin:

I can’t not comment on this. Mike was expecting a reaction to this because he knows me. Shape of Things to Come features prominently in what is probably my #1 guilty pleasure movie: Miami Vice. I love that movie. It’s not really good, it’s just…insanely cool. Everything about it drips cool, and I feel obligated to qualify that so people don’t judge me too harshly for liking it.

I think we all feel that way.

Colin:

So when Crockett (Colin Farrell) finally hooks up with Isabella (Gong Li), it’s to that song. Chris Cornell’s voice makes pretty much anything sexier. I’ll say without any embarrassment that I listened to the whole song while looking at this picture and contemplating what I was going to say. I didn’t think any further than, “I can’t not comment on this.”  Also — people talk about plot, dialogue and acting…but movies should also be judged by how many linen shirts and awesome mustaches they have.

So… like pornos?

Though I will say… every movie I make is going to have the rule, “At least one awesome moustache.”

Well now we know what the “C” stands for.

“Motherfu—”

That’s pretty cool that you can just talk to holograms like that.

He’s gotta call the Emperor.

“There is a great disturbance in the Force.”

Maybe it’s just the asteroid field, bud.

Do you have to be on one of those little pads to make holo-calls?

And the atmosphere is Palpatine.

Palpatine is sure the boy is the son of Anakin Skywalker.

Kind of weird how all this time you didn’t know the kid’s name. You’d think after he blew up something like the Death Star, you’d make some inquiries.

“How is that possible?”

“Search your feelings, Lord Vader. You will know it to be true.”

But… on the other hand… as far as he knows… how is that possible?

Colin:

I wanted Palpatine to be like, “Possible? I know you hit that, son. That’s Natalie Po– I mean Padme Amidala! She was fine as hell before you killed her! And I know you ain’t used no rubber.”

For some reason, when you said rubber, I thought of Pikachu (probably because Palpatine is here), and then I thought… “R2 is basically the Pikachu of this franchise.”

Palpatine says to kill Skywalker. Vader says they should just turn him instead.

Colin:

Creepy guy dialogue! I can’t wait til we have holophones and shit like this. You know it’s coming. Remember watching the Pokemon anime and seeing them use videophones? I remember being like, “Man, maybe we’ll have those by the time I’m older!” And boom. Skype and FaceTime and shit. So I’m just gonna start calling random technological advances and hopefully that shit turns up.

Oak’s words echoed… “There’s a time and a place for everything! But not now.”

Interesting home.

Colin:

Your house looks like an ocarina.

Looks like something Chewbacca would stick his dick in.

No droids allowed.

That’s pretty racist that you don’t let him inside too.

Also – total Rings shot.

Colin:

Good thing he landed right fucking next to Yoda’s house. Cause if Yoda lived in Guatemala and Luke landed in Sri Lanka…this wouldn’t be going down. No, this is more like – arriving on Earth for the first time ever, Luke lands on 52^nd Street, and the guy he’s looking for is on 53^rd.

Luke’s like, “Why we wasting time on this shit? We gotta find Yoda.”

“I cannot teach him. The boy has no patience.”

“He will learn patience.”

“Much anger in him. Like his father.”

“Was I any different when you taught me?”

(Because fuck Qui-Gon.)

You think Yoda would learn the second time around after Obi-Wan tells him he has to train someone who seems like a poor choice for a Jedi.

Colin:

This is a missed opportunity. Obi-Wan says he was reckless when he was a young man. It turns out, he really wasn’t. He was the wise Jedi who didn’t really do anything impetuous or step out of line. His whole thing was patience. The way they set this up here, it sounds like Obi-Wan went through a wild phase himself and something snapped him in line.

Lucas really should have taken that route with the new trilogy – start him out wild, demonstrate consequences, show him becoming wiser, and maybe show how his craziness played a part in the events that transpire. Instead, he’s pretty level-headed the whole time (except for one instance in Revenge of the Sith, which I found to be completely out of character) and the story development (what little there is) comes from Anakin changing for the worse in spite of Obi-Wan’s wisdom.

So this isn’t really a missed opportunity, you’re just adding one more thing to the list of things Lucas fucked up with the prequels.

Luke realizes this is Yoda and of course tries to change his tune.

Colin:

Oh, NOW you get it, kid? The first three or four exchanges of dialogue between him and Obi-Wan didn’t tip you off?

Luke’s like, “I’m ready for this.” And Yoda’s like, “Man, I’ve been doing this shit for 800 years, I think I’ll decide who is ready and who isn’t.”

“Motherfucker.”

“Adventure, excitement – a Jedi craves not these things.”

So that means Obi-Wan was, in fact, a horrible teacher, since all he did was make sarcastic remarks when Anakin did just that.

Yoda keeps making excuses as to why Luke isn’t ready to start Jedi training.

My favorite is, “He’s too old.”

Which makes Luke the Colonel Kurtz of Jedi.

“I’m not afraid.”

“You will be.”

Colin:

Yoda’s being intentionally menacing here. That’s a bit unsettling.

And this is where we’ll END PART II.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow is Part III, and Jedi training, cave dicks, and Lando.

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

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