Fun with Franchises: Star Wars Episode I – The Phantom Menace (1999), Part II — “This Level of Writing Is Usually Reserved for Adam Sandler Movies”

Today we continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace. Part II.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin (whose blog is TokyoRemix.com. Fuck yeah, promotion!), who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Star Wars franchise, and today is the second part of Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace.

We begin Part II on Naboo.

With a full-on occupation going on.

Remember when movies used to be made in real places?

These motherfuckers are just rolling up on this capital and ain’t no one doing shit. What is this, 1940 Paris?

We already know this guy likes World War II comparisons.

Though Padme’s not wearing blue.

This bitch is growing xenomorphs in her dress!

These motherfuckers are the Statler and Waldorf of this movie. (And we know George likes Muppets.)

Colin:

He says it’s a ‘victory.’ Is it victory when you literally just waltzed up to the palace and didn’t fire a shot? Gunray’s walking out of his ship like they’re about to go hit the links. I wouldn’t call it ‘victory’ so much as – something was there for the taking and you took it. Yet again, I want to point out that this was a 20 second scene that just established that they’ve taken the capital with no action involved.

What the fuck is this, Venice?

If that thing sprouts wheels and they drive it up on the streets, then it’ll be Venice.

Colin:

And now we’re back to the fucking submarine again. How about some development or SOMETHING instead of switching between the stories so fast? I’m just getting over my stroke from two minutes ago, and now you’re trying to give me an epileptic seizure.

Really? You can just put the top down like that?

So what the fuck is Qui-Gon’s purpose here? He hasn’t said a goddamn word during any of this, and now he just stands up and looks around and says nothing. Why are they here, what’s going on? Is any of this important in the least?

The answer is no.

Apparently there’s gonna be some bogus treaty they’re gonna make her sign.

What is this, the Convention of Jawagawa?

She refuses to sign it. As any person looking to be shot is wont to do.

Colin:

Ah yes, the suffering of her people.

Where the fuck are the people? Absolutely nobody lives in this capital. Did we just not want to spend the dough on extras? Nobody’s here! I bet the Gungans could take over this place in a heartbeat.

I love those kinds of steps. More of that.

In life.

But this is actually meant to be like World War II. So we’re clear. This isn’t an accident.

Colin:

The music really sets the tone. I don’t know who decided it, but oboes are definitely for subterfuge. You hear an oboe, you know something’s afoot. John Williams is one of the only good things about this new trilogy – I liked the movies enough when I was young and they were coming out, but I LOVED the video games because they were all just universe stuff with this soundtrack. I played the fuck out of the Starfighter game for PS2, cause you’re flying around having dogfights and strafing droids to the movie soundtrack. It was awesome. The last mission was very nearly impossible, but it had Duel of Fates in the background, so it was all good.

TRIPLE TALLY HO!

He just Trinity kicked two droids.

Here’s a question – we can see it in this shot – Qui-Gon is literally starting to spin around only no one is in front of him. Why would he do that? Wouldn’t you only spin for fluid motion when surrounded by people and in close quarters? He’s literally spinning just to spin. This reeks of ‘choreographed.’ A real killer wouldn’t do that.

And also — somehow, not a single human is hit by these ricochets.

Facial expressions.

Badass.

He looks like he just finished a freestyle. “Peace!”

That might be my favorite Force move.

They gonna get her out of there.

Somehow.

This is always a fun moment – someone saves a monarch from being killed. They go to get the monarch out of there and take them to the means of getting out of there, and right then, the monarch says, “Nah, I can’t leave. I have to stay with my people.” Motherfucker, what? This is the same bullshit as Harry. If you’re dead, the people are fucked. There’s a reason they’re trying to save you.

Colin:

“There is no logic in the Federation’s move here.” Yeah, or anything else that’s happened so far.

“Either choice presents great danger.”

“To us all.”

Dick in the Ass Exposition™

Colin:

So Padme tells her decoy that she wants to go using a coded message. Fair enough. To the casual observer, it sounds like nothing more than bad dialogue.

There’s always one.

Colin:

I’ve lived here for three years and still haven’t gone there. I just decided. I’m going.

Holy shit that’s amazing. They have hostages and they’re making them sit in a big group with their hands in front of them. That’s how you take some fucking hostages. You do that shit the Joker did, and put grenades in everyone’s hands. That’s such a throwaway image that happens in the background and it’s better than everything we’ve seen on screen so far.

Oh, look, it gets a closeup. Still. Totally throwaway.

Colin:

This feels so much like a video game. They’re walking in and are told they have to free some pilots that are conveniently being held in a little rectangle on the floor, as if the droids put down masking tape. And the camera pans over to the pilots in such a way that you expect to see an ‘objective’ icon pop up over them.

“I’m taking these bitches out of here.”

“No.”

Why you using the same move again, Obi-Wan? Mix that shit up. This better not become your Expelliarmus.

If I’m the guy on the far side, I’ve already just shot five people in the head.

HOW CAN THE SAME SHIT WORK EVERY TIME LIKE THAT? Fuck… can he Force move traffic like that? I want to go on road trips with that motherfucker.

Just riding through Oregon, baked out of our skulls. “Watch me Force tip that cow!”

Though I do have one question about what he just did — why one? Wouldn’t you move all of them out of the way?

Colin:

A regular Force push works like a projectile. It’s not that wide. But he should fire off a few.

Also, this motherfucker has a perfect record in bouncing shit off his light saber and hitting droids with it. Can’t he just once do it defensively? Can’t there be one that doesn’t have perfect aim? It’s funny how those lasers have no aim coming out of the guns, but upon deflection – dead center, every time. Maybe work a deflector into the gun design next time. That’s all I’m saying.

Did he just free the Tuskegee Airmen?

Look at this fucking droid.

You deserve everything that’s coming to you.

Wow… good cinematography. I didn’t know that was possible in these prequels.

Though, I guess it is all CG. You can make pretty much anything look good with a computer.

Colin:

Tell that to whoever voted for Life of Pi over Skyfall.

The X-Jet?

Obi-Wan just put him down here and told him to stay down here. Did they just throw him on the back of the bus? Why can’t he join all the white folks up top?

“Hello, boyo’s.”

This blockade means fucking business.

This could be from Wall-E and you wouldn’t know the difference.

That’s pretty cool.

Colin:

Naboo astromech droids are known for being awesome. Of course it’s R2.

HA HA THAT DROID GOT KNOCKED THE FUCK OUT!!

Holy shit, that was incredible.

Imagine if that happened with people. That shit would be even FUNNIER.

HA HA IT HAPPENED AGAIN!

(Also, this video monitor thing is pretty great.)

They’re out there fixing the shield generator, by the way. Which – if the shield isn’t being generated, how are they not being blown to pieces right now?

I love how when all the droids get blown away, they make the Toad scream noise from Mario Kart.

But don’t worry, R2 can fix it.

R2-D2:

Cause I’m in the sequels, motherfucker!

Colin:

I like the look to the side after the last droid gets blown the fuck off.

Literally turns to look at the camera and goes back to what he’s doing.

R2 is the John Belushi of this franchise.

“That little droid did it!”

Wow, so maybe call him the fuck back in rather than going all Bandit on it.

What’s keeping him stable on that thing, by the way?

Colin:

The fact that there’s no atmosphere to pull him off? I imagine he’s got some magnetic action going too.

Naturally they’re running out of fuel now. But it’s cool, because Obi-Wan found a place – Tattooine. No Trade people there, since it’s controlled by the Hutts.

“You can’t take a royal princess there, the Hutts are gangsters.”

Damn right they are.

Hutt life!

Ha ha. His hologram is sitting at the table.

“Senator Palpatine, we’d like you to say grace.”

The queen is gone.

“I want that treaty signed.”

Colin:

Why does he want the treaty signed? If she signs it, that’s the end of the Senate’s involvement in the matter – no debate, no need for a vote of no confidence. He DOESN’T want it signed. As evidenced by the fact that in spite of never getting the treaty signed, everything goes according to plan.

Enough is ENOUGH! I have had it with this motherfuckin’ treaty not being motherfuckin’ signed!

Stand back! Grievous is about to open some fuckin’ windows.

Echo and the Chinamen say that they can’t find the ship because it’s out of range.

“Not for a Sith.”

Oh, surprise, motherfucker, you didn’t know this was a conference call?

That’s his apprentice, Darth Maul.

(Let’s go to the Maul, everybody!)

So… if he’s Palpatine’s apprentice, do you think he had to start as an intern? A Sith intern. A Sithern. Had to go be a runner and get coffee and shit?

You think Palpatine’s the type of boss who Force chokes his employees and Force throws shit at them?

“He will find your lost ship. Emperor out.”

He was literally just sitting at the table. That’s so funny to me.

Not as funny as those droids getting blown the fuck away, but close.

Weird how spaceships go from plastic now to metal in the future.

They say the droid is gonna get commended for its job. (Really? That’s how shit works here? You be giving out lots of medals to firehouse dogs, are ya?) His number is “R2-D2.”

OH SHIT? You get it?! It’s R2! We know him! It’s a big reveal! I’m supposed to stand up and clap now. Excuse me while I go masturbate out of sheer excitement.

“Thank you, R2-D2.”

“You’re quite welcome, sugar, you’re quite welcome. How about we go in the back and you polish my sprockets?”

“Rose bearers!”

“Padme – I want you to go take this droid in the back and fuck him silly.”

Colin:

You and I know that Padme is actually the queen, and that this chick is a decoy, but she just addressed her by name. And Padme is her original name before she was stylized as “Amidala” when she became queen pretty recently. That shit would be known. And you just dropped her first name randomly.

“And maybe if he’s good I’ll take a shot at it too.”

“Oh, you know you will, too. I’ll see you in about an hour, baby.”

And now for the rest of the scene…

Qui-Gon-Island Iced Tea is like, “We’re going to Tattooine.”

“I do not agree with the Jedi on this.”

“You must trust my judgment, your highness.”

And that’s it – that’s the rest of the scene.

They literally fade to the next scene after that.

So, to reiterate, the scene ends with – “You must trust my judgment, your higness.”

Is this the transition to sound? Why the fuck is that the end of the scene? Why did we need that? This movie really is gonna give me a fucking aneurysm.

“Oh, hey, gurl… whatchu doin’ over there with yo FINE ass?”

“I’m Padme.”

“Meesa Jar Jar Binks.”

“Yeah, girl…I’d tear that shit up real good…”

“You’re a Gungan, aren’t you?”

Real nice for a queen. These people are literally the other half of your planet (Qui-Gon said so before. Symbiont circle). What does it say about you that you have to ask if he’s one of them?

Colin:

She’s queen of the planet, and she has to ask IF he’s a Gungan? If there were two races of sentient beings on your planet, you’d recognize them.

That was uncoordinated. Drink.

“Uh huh!”

“Do Gungans like getting their dicks sucked?”

Oh… wait… I should have switched those two.

Well… that works too.

To recap – this scene – Jar Jar shows up and goes, “Who are you?” Because he’s a friendly uncle Tom. She says she’s Padme and asks how he got here. He recaps. She smiles. The end. Wipe.

We’re just wiping away any shot at making this respectable, aren’t we, George?

The point of this scene is to introduce us to Padme. It offers no characterization whatsoever for her and serves no purpose other than to show her to us because she’s going to be important later. The writing is just too bad for words.

And I’m aware of the pun and will stand by it. It actually is too bad for words.

Also… what’s with R2 and princesses? This motherfucker is the Mammy of this family.

“That’s it – Tattooine.”

Fuck you, exposition. Fuck you.

Seriously — we’ve been here, before. They could just land here and we’d go, “Oh, yeah, this place.” They even SAID the name before! So if people didn’t catch it earlier, they would with the visual. And if you really need to remind the five-year-olds where this is, work it in when they GET THERE!

They’re going to kill me. I know these movies are going to kill me.

Is this seriously an X-Jet? What the fuck, Lucas?

Also, that thing must be stifling right now.

Qui-Gon senses a disturbance in the Force.

Maybe he just has to shit.

I forget if I’ve asked this before – but do they differentiate between good and bad Force disturbances? Why would you announce every single disturbance? This is some Red Scare level shit. Like, “Be wary… I smell Commies.”

Can’t a Force disturbance be something random, like a false alarm? How does that work?

Remember when Tattooine looked like a real place?

‘The sun doing murder to meesa skin.”

I thought you people didn’t like the cold.

… or the water. Hey, wait a minute…

“Hey, wait a minute.”

The Queen wants them to take Padme with them.

… why the fuck would she do that?

“This is hive of scum and villainy… let’s send a skinny white woman into it!”

Why not send that guy? He can help them in a fight, and he clearly answers to the queen. If I were Qui-Gon, I’d tell him to fuck off and eat a dick, in that order.

Why do they not question this at all?

Colin:

These are all the wrong people to be leaving the ship on an important errand.

Shiftiness.

Jar Jar be bobbing up and down.

♫ “Straight outta Naboo / Crazy motherfucker named Jar Jar…” ♫

Look at that motherfucker in the back. He look like he got a godamn penis for a helmet.

“This is very very bad…”

Oh man, how pissed would everyone be if they had Jar Jar say he had a bad feeling about this?

He stepped in doo doo!

Weird how a crowd shows up after he steps in a pile of shit.

How come no one else is stepping in it? Why isn’t he warning anyone else about it?

Shifty ass A-rab down in the corner.

Colin:

At least Mos Eisley has people. I’ll give them that. They look like they’re shifty. Cloud City had people, but they looked like the sort of futuristic people you see strolling around an artist’s architectural concept drawing. And Naboo? No people.

That’s Watto.

He’s a parts dealer. Which is the smartest job you can have in this galaxy. Everyone’s got a ship, and everyone needs parts. These fuckers make bank in every universe! Think about it – every system has its own planets and every planet must have its own set of technology. You know the Gungans make different parts than the people in Bespin. And I’m sure the Republic/Empire has a standardized set of parts they use on all their aircraft. So if you crash land in a place that’s not in your system, you’re stuck going to one of these guys for parts. This motherfucker must be rich as shit.

Colin:

That doesn’t necessarily make him rich. You can’t afford to be stocked in every kind of part that everyone might need. Just the big stuff. And you’d probably have to make your bread and butter on the stuff that’s around most. Try opening a parts shop that does work on Scandinavian cars in Ethiopia and tell me how that goes.

I bet those lug nuts taste delicious.

Here he comes, guys… our own Brandon de Wilde.

There he is. But we have more important things to do.

“Are you an angel?”

I don’t need to say SHIT right now. You all know what it is.

“What?”

Oh, that’s right. She want the D.

He then talks about angels and shit or whatever.

“You’re funny, little boy.”

He’s a pilot. “And someday, I’m gonna fly away from this place.”

It’s hard for me to critique the performance, because by and large, children can’t act. Or… let me take that back. Children can act. Children can’t deliver lines properly. That’s the problem. You don’t need to act. You just need to say the lines better. It’s hard for most kids to do that without either sounding like him or sounding overly affectacious.

But yeah… he’s not good. And it’s not like Lucas is giving him much to work with.

Also, can we mention that Anakin Skywalker, future Darth Vader, the first line he speaks on film is — “Are you an angel?”

That’s it. I just wanted you to know that.

Colin:

So we’ve found the boy. And now he gets to have an awkward scene with Natalie Portman, who also looks way too childish for my liking here. This was really before she was a huge star, but it’s strange to see her here at age 17 or 18 just being neither particularly hot nor particularly knocked up by her choreographer. I guess it’s just lucky those Coruscant dance scenes were cut before filming.

(I tried real hard not to replace the link with this one.)

He tells her how he and his mother were sold to some female Hutt who lost them betting on the ponies.

“You’re a slave?”

“I’m a person and my name is Anakin!”

Colin:

No, no…you ARE a slave. It’s funny how he gets so defensive about being a slave five seconds after telling Padme his former master LOST him and his mother in a bet. Of course, we see later how they’re totally not slaves by any real measure.

They’re gonna fuck in like six years.

This is like that scene in Gone With the Wind with the chicken.

You guys know what I’m talking about.

Look at that duster.

Look at that beard. I know he’s supposed to look like a shady car dealer, but how can he grow facial hair like that?

Colin:

Watto even tells Obi-Wan he should just buy a new ship. So…yeah. Why not?

Qui-Gon basically tries to bribe him in order to get Watto to take his weak ass Republic money, but it doesn’t work.

Colin:

I guess the plot demanded a creature that is immune to mind tricks. Although this whole set of circumstances about buying another ship is so horribly riddled with plot holes it regularly gets mistaken for Bonnie and Clyde’s car.

Watto is such a greaseball, too. It’s hilarious how Lucas is stereotyping every race in this movie.

Colin:

Watto is allegedly of Jewish origin, although I always got the same vibes from him that I did from the guy that sold Oliver Reed queer giraffes.

Watto also wears assless chaps throughout the entire movie and no one ever mentions it.

Or actually… it’s more like a weird inverted thong.

I think it’s part of the Slave Leia collection.

This guy’s face is a dick and balls.

Why not just look around for the part? Maybe you can find it laying around and just steal it?

“We’re leaving.”

(REAR PROJECTION!)

(Also, again, they cut away right before R2 is gonna manage some stairs.)

Colin:

There’s a moment just before this where Anakin says the only reason he’s lasted so long is because he’s good at fixing things.

What does that mean, “Wouldn’t have lasted so long?” Is that to say that if he wasn’t so good at building things, they’d have KILLED him? I really don’t understand the need for human slaves in this universe. And why does he think they’d have killed him? We never see him beaten or anything like that. He gets about as much verbal abuse as any kid should. He has enough spare time and resources to build his own droid and his own working racecar from scratch. This is slavery? He lives better than most pre-war children did.

“I’m glad to have met you, Anakin.”

Oh I bet you are, you dirty bitch.

They’re actually gonna fuck, though.

HOW DO YOU GET LOST WHEN THEY’RE RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU?

What is this, a tape recorder? Is this a Captain’s Log? Or is he pulling an Adaptation, writing down his notes?

He’s actually talking to Obi-Wan, but it looks like a one-way communicator. Does Obi-Wan just come out of the speaker for everyone to hear? That’s both disrespectful and really poor judgment. What if someone hears something they’re not supposed to hear?

It also kind of looks like a crack pipe.

Qui-Gon doesn’t have enough money to pay for the repairs. And he can’t trick the guy into accepting his money. So he’s just gonna sit and wait for something to play out.

Are you fucking serious? This is how a Jedi operates? “Oh, well, that didn’t work. We’ll just wait for something to work.”

Colin:

Hey, so how about we go try one of the other smaller dealers? Or even a medium or large dealer? Or we could try buying a ship with the Republic credits, since even if they’re no good, you can mind trick someone else like you were just prepared to do. This is mind-bogglingly wrong.

Naturally Jar Jar just eats whatever he sees, because how would he know any better? And the dude asks, “Are you gonna pay for that?”

(This racism is killing me inside.)

And he ends up getting into a fight with Sebulba.

Which is the street I take while driving to the airport.

(Also, those guys at the table look like they got cut out of the Leaky Cauldron scene in Sorcerer’s Stone.)

Of course Anakin is right there.

Because slaves naturally can just wander around town like that.

Colin:

That kid cleaned those racks AWFULLY fast.

Of course you would, when you had the chance to dirty up Natalie’s.

They’re racing rivals.

Which is fucked up, since Sebulba has got to be like, 30. And he’s threatening a ten year old.

Hey, YOU didn’t pay for that!

Did the seller just completely give up on that theft?

This racism really IS killing me inside.

Also, check out Professor Quirrell and Ensign Jack Sparrow over there.

Sparrow looks like he’s being played by an emo fifteen year old.

A storm’s coming. (Note: The old woman in the background actually says it, too. Which makes two franchises for two now where someone has said “Storm’s coming.”)

Colin:

Who the fuck is this old woman with the British accent? I look at this woman and the only possible backstory for her is that she came from our universe and used to man the spotlights scanning for Zeppelins during World War One. But her…bones are aching. So that either means Zeppelins or a sandstorm. Or a Zeppelin sandstorm.

I bet Jimmy Page could make that cover sound great.

So Hurricane Plot Device rolls in so Anakin can bring the group home with him.

He literally just hit a button and the door opened. What kind of security is that? Is this shit like Pokémon, where you can just walk in on anybody’s house at any given moment?

Colin:

Nice slave shack.

That’s Anakin’s mother over there. But she’s irrelevant. Don’t worry, she’ll be dead soon anyway.

Wait, so that’s 3PO? Not the exact look alike in Watto’s shop?

Colin:

I hate that Anakin built C-3PO. There’s no reason for it. Simply no reason for it at all. Plinkett pointed out that it makes no sense for Anakin to build a droid that was mass-produced elsewhere – I thought it was weird that he’d name it something like C-3PO. What a bullshit name. It really demonstrate’s Anakin’s imagination.

Also, I love how he’s like, “Hey, mom, I brought these strangers into the house. Hey, chick, wanna see my droid?!” I mean, it is what a kid would do, but the way Lucas wrote it was like, “Okay, what do I need to get out of this scene?” and then wrote just that.

This level of writing is usually reserved for Adam Sandler movies.

Oh jesus… the cut too, George? We fucking get it. R2 and 3PO. Is this supposed to be exciting for fans of the franchise? Because it feels like you going through the motions of how shit got to where it is rather than telling an organic story.

Honestly, I’d rather him have left Anakin out of this movie entirely and only gotten to him at the very end. Spend time with Obi-Wan. It’s more about him right now anyway. Then you introduce Anakin near the end, and have it be like, “Oh shit, here’s the guy,” and build anticipation for the next one.

I’m not even all that invested in the original trilogy, and even I’m admitting he fucked this thing up beyond belief with these ones.

The most disgraceful part of this is when he turns on 3PO and there’s a fucking sound effect that sounds like something you’d get from KidPix to signify something magic is happening.

“Where is everybody?”

Holy shit, I’d have loved it if 3PO spent the entire franchise wondering what happened to Han and Leia and everybody.

Also… here’s a question… so Anakin builds 3PO and R2 meets him when he’s a kid. Then how come neither know who the fuck he is when he’s Vader in the original trilogy? You’d think maybe they’d mention this to Luke or Obi-Wan. I already see they’re doing a job of not having Obi-Wan and R2 interact so as to make the original film make sense. But shouldn’t 3PO maybe mention that he knew an Anakin Skywalker, especially when bought by Luke? Don’t they say flat out in the first one they have no idea where they are? This motherfucker LIVED on Tattooine, and when he goes back there, he never mentions that?

Maybe they address this in the last movie, I don’t know. I only saw it once and barely remember it. Like, at all. So don’t tell me if it is addressed. I’ll bash the shit out of it later. But right now, this seems like a serious logic gap.

(Note: Now that I’ve watched it, I see how they did it. Now it’s awful for a whole different set of reasons.)

Colin:

Yeah. 3PO has his memory wiped. R2…no excuse. Maybe he’s like the Vinnie Jones character in Gone in 60 Seconds. But he says a lot of other shit, so…yeah. No excuse.

“Hello, I’m C-3P-oh my god look at this woman.”

She seems like the kind of queen who would have a lot of gay best friends.

He’s building a pod racer.

R2 had the proper reaction to this.

Now you’re having him introduce himself?

Fuck you, Lucas.

Then some bullshit happens. Basically they’re running out of time. Somehow this takes two scenes. Fortunately they both last about three seconds each, so it’s cool.

Coruscant.

How do we not already know this motherfucker is Palpatine? Why is Lucas so terrible with reveals? He showed us the Death Star early even though he could have hidden that shit for over 90 minutes and he’s trying to hide that Palpatine is the Emperor even though it’s BLATANTLY obvious to anyone with eyes and a pulse above 25.

Colin:

Man, he really wants that treaty signed…for no good reason.

Wait… Darth Maul speaks? That SUCKS. I remember him never saying a word when I watched this in 1999. He was so much more badass when I thought he didn’t speak.

So basically what’s happening right now is that every single thing I thought I enjoyed about this movie is being taken away from me. And it’s just gonna end up as some ungodly piece of shit that I’ll barely ever watch again.

Oh, but there’s that Lucas staging again – people walking right into the front of the frame and stopping on a mark to talk.

I don’t know why I’m all over Lucas for this. A lot of filmmakers do it for style purposes and I never have a problem with it. But for some reason, when he does it, it’s annoying. Maybe because he does it all the time, and because he doesn’t do any other form of directing, so it just comes off as amateurish.

His face is just so awesome. If I had to list ten things Lucas did right with the prequels (if that list is actually possible…and knowing us, we may even try. If I remember, I’ll try to do it for the Final Thoughts on Revenge of the Sith), this would be one of those things. Darth Maul is awesome.

Colin:

Those are Sith tattoos. His face wasn’t originally like that. But you have to admit he looks pretty cool. 

I feel like it would be fun to play in one of those.

Aww… how nice. Your kitchen looks like it fell off the ship in 2001.

Also, I was going to remark how it was funny that they have the same pitcher and cup set and were drinking the same thing (milk) that Luke was drinking in New Hope, only…

NOTHING GETS POURED OUT OF THE PITCHER!

Look at Jar Jar! Even he knows!

And just in case you think the picture was just obscured and I’m out of my mind…

NOTHING IS COMING OUT OF THAT PITCHER! And the sound effect is going, so it’s supposed to be.

Someone fucked up. You can add Hayden Christensen into the third movie, but you can’t add a stream of water? Priorities, George.

And… wait for it… here’s a third one. Only this time…

They cut in closer, when some real liquid is actually being poured.

And it’s some Country Time pink lemonade, to boot.

“Scuse me.”

This is why we don’t let you people in the big house.

“Has anybody ever seen a pod race?”

I know that look. That’s the look of someone who’s seen quite a few pod races.

“You ever had sex with a goat?”

“… no.”

“You ever accidentally crossed swords during a three-way?”

“…no.”

We’ve all made that face.

Anakin says he’s the only human who can race pods. Qui-Gon says he must have Jedi reflexes.

Just in case you didn’t know what he was.

“You’re a Jedi knight, aren’t you?”

What the fuck is Anakin eating? What is this, the Real World?

(Is Padme the Woman in the Red Dress?)

“What makes you think that?”

“It’s on the bracelet on your ankle.”

“You just said Jedi have fast reflexes and then you caught his tongue. This isn’t rocket science, buddy. You’re also wearing robes. Ain’t nobody around here that wears robes unless they’re homeless, or a professional wrestler. Also, you’re the calmest motherfucker in this place. So either you’re a Jedi or you got some crazy bud. And if that’s the case I need you to hook me up with a brother. Because I can’t take that stank off that Watto motherfucker no more.”

But what he actually says is –

“I saw your laser sword. Only Jedis carry that kind of weapon.”

You know that but you don’t know what they’re called?

Sure… but they don’t got duck l’orange.

“Perhaps I killed a Jedi and took it from him.”

(Holy shit… why didn’t you do THAT story?)

What’s with Liam Neeson and characters with multi-part names who train people to fight? (I’m speaking of course of his other role as Oskar de la Schindler.)

(He could have trained more.)

Colin:

Hah. He says no one can kill a Jedi. But he’ll show them!

Anyway, some more bullshit. Basically – there’s a big pod race happening (tomorrow, of course. It’s always happening tomorrow), and we know all the people they need to get money from have horrible gambling addictions (no wonder Tattooine looks like this and not like some of the other planets), so they’re gonna have Anakin race in the pod he built (which is naturally the “fastest pod ever”).

Colin:

I hate that shit. That drove me nuts during The Hobbit, even when I read the book. They show up at Elrond’s pad, give him the map to read, and it so happens to be the EXACT evening that happens ONCE a year for them to be able to read the map. That shit pisses me off so much.

Qui-Gon’s wondering if he can trust this kid.

Well, Qui-Gon, if you can’t, I guess that means that you’ve been… Taken, for a ride.

What’s also funny here is how Anakin’s mother (whose name I haven’t even bothered to learn, because one, they haven’t said it once in the movie and because she will actually be dead soon, and I’m running with it by just not showing her in close up at all. Because her character is actually pointless for this entire trilogy and if she weren’t here, you wouldn’t even notice. Though isn’t her name like, Smee or something, like the dude in Peter Pan? I feel like her name is something dumb like that.) has this moment of, “I don’t like it when you pod race,” because Lucas grew up in the 50s, and you have to have the mother say that. It’s like when all those 50s guys were drag racing in the movies. You have to have the parents not like it. But what’s funny is that she’s like, “I nearly die whenever Watto makes you do it,” and then you realize, “Oh, right… they’re slaves, and this guy is making him do it.” Which is hilarious and fucked up at the same time.  And also funny that he loves it. And fortunate, too.

Shmeegol.

I’m gonna call her Shmeegol.

Colin:

Anakin’s mom is from some Scandanavian country, based on that goofy accent.

I love that you don’t mention her name here.

She’s that irrelevant.

“Mom, you say the biggest problem in this universe is nobody helps each other.”

Oh fuck you!

“I’m sure Qui-Gon doesn’t want to put your son in danger. We’ll find some other way.”

… monotone?

Also, Shmeegol says that “there is no other way… he can help you.”

“He was meant to help you.”

Got a look at the script beforehand, did you? Well you’re not gonna like what happens in the next movie.

Colin:

It’s interesting that they never ask what the mission is about before agreeing to help. What if they were on a mission to assassinate someone and you helped them get to Coruscant and kill some guy? Just having a young Natalie Portman around doesn’t mean you’re not assassins, as we all know. And maybe Qui Gon DID kill a Jedi and steal his lightsaber. Oh well.

The slow track in – fuck you, Lucas. Seriously, now.

And this is where we’ll END PART II. In a way, this is where we end all parts of the prequels.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow is Part III, and that fucking pod race.

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

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