Fun with Franchises: Star Wars Episode II – Attack of the Clones (2002), Part III — “‘Hey… Your Mom’s Dead. Want Some Blue Shit?'”

Today we continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones. Part III.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin (whose blog is TokyoRemix.com. Fuck yeah, promotion!), who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Star Wars franchise, and today is the third part of Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones:

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We begin Part III going back to —

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Tattooine.

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I will say, I like the callback of the landing docks where the Falcon took off in New Hope.

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I do not like that this thing is an X-Jet and that the whole thing is horribly CG’d.

Colin:

Ah, this one isn’t the X-Jet. The one from Phantom Menace was an X-Jet. And they actually took inspiration from the SR-71, which is what the X-Jet is. The Marvel people didn’t even come up with their own thing, they just had Nightcrawler steal an actual SR-71 from the Lockheed Skunk Works. So I won’t allow it to be called a ripoff of the X-Men, since the X-Jet was a more blatant ripoff itself. It’s like how I heard someone complain about how that Austin Mahone song is a ripoff of Biz Markie, while they’re both actually reinterpretations of Freddie Scott’s song, which is clearly the best (though I have a soft spot for Biz — Austin Mahone can suck an egg).

What the fuck is that first one?

I — I don’t even want to know.

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I love how you think your mother is suffering and is in danger, but you leisurely take a rickshaw to get to her.

Colin:

Why is the music suddenly all Asian-y? Is Tatooine space Asia now? Is this some Silk Road shit now, or what? There’s even a droid pulling them in a RICKSHAW. What the hell is going on? Is George trying to meet a minimum QUOTA of racism in each film?

Racism? What do you mean?

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Holy shit, she’s dressed like Olivia de Havilland in The Adventures of Robin Hood.

That must have been a choice.

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Watto.

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This is great. “You’re a Jedi … I didn’t do it!”

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He recognizes Anakin. Also, it’s pretty fucked up how much he looks like Tevye now.

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“Annie! It is you!”

Colin:

Oh look. He could fix something. He must be Anakin. I’m sure you didn’t recognize the white bitch or the Naboo astromech that was with them before, either.

So, he tells Anakin that he sold Shmeegol years ago. She was bought by a dude named Lars. (Get it?) The dude actually married her. Made her respectable. (He’s a suitor!)

Colin:

Why does he say, “…on the other side of Mos Eisley?” When do you use a city’s name when you’re IN that city? Also, if they live on Tatooine, does that make him Boonta-fide?

Note: I have been alerted, by a reader, that they’re in Mos Espa, not Mos Eisley. I’d like to take this opportunity to to express my gratitude to someone who seems to have even more free time on their hands than we do. I don’t care if it’s Mos Espa, Mos Def, or Kabul — this writing sucks anyway.

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Colin:

And here we are off Geonosis. Looks like Space Saturn. I mean, Saturn is Space Saturn, but you know what I mean. (See? This is how George writes his scripts.)

Looking at the graphics, this is more like Sega Space Saturn.

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Obi-Wan be following Django.

(Does that make that ship “Slave Zero”? Or is Boba Fett driving around the same rickety ass ship for twenty years for no reason?)

Colin:

This is Slave I. It’s not rickety at all, since it’s continually upgraded. He loses it at one point while he’s in the sarlacc (forget which time), but he outfits a different ship and flies that until he finds Slave I in a junkyard somewhere and flies that again. Hell of a ship, this thing. Heavily modified, in plenty of illegal ways.

Slave I is the Shadowfax of a galaxy far, far away.

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“Hang on, son, we’ll move into the asteroid field. And we’ll have a couple of surprises for him,”

I – I can’t. I… what? Why would…? Fuck this.

Somebody get me a rope.

Colin:

And a bucket.

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Colin:

How much cooler would it have been if these charges made no sound whatsoever? I might have been sort of into it if they did these shots from the vacuum of space and it just went silent as the action happened. But like everything else that happens in the vacuum of Star Wars space, it gets a lot of sound.

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Colin:

This is a valuable experience for Jango. “Was I really this annoying? Did I egg on my parents in their pursuit and attempted murder of law enforcement? Was my voice that intolerable?”

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Colin:

Not at all as cool as the asteroid scene in Empire, by the way.

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Colin:

So after firing 1 drillion lasers at Obi-Wan and hitting him ONCE in an inconsequential place, Jango decides to “finish him” with a missile? Why not just start with the missile? Why not leave a mine at the end of the hole that Obi-Wan followed you out of, where he had nowhere to maneuver?

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You Only Live Twice?

Colin:

That landing…hole…reminds me of You Only Live Twice.

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Academy Award nominated director George Lucas, everybody.

Colin:

I’ve been trying to let it go, but why the fuck is he spouting exposition to the droid? Can’t you figure out a better way to do it? He says something that he’d have no business saying to himself, and then he just follows it up with, “…R4.”

(This is awesome. I love that we’re calling out the exact same things.)

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Colin:

R2 followed them for like a football field length before they noticed and she told him to stay with the ship?

No Droids Allowed.

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My one comment here is… remember when they actually built this set?

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3PO. Right, because these relationships needed to get more complicated.

Colin:

Shit. C-3PO. As Anakin would say, this is where the fun begins.

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This is like fucking Telemundo.

They must get amnesia. That’s the only way to explain it.

Oh, that’s right. He built him. I’d forgotten about that.

Colin:

Notice how all this time, he’s not even walking at a brisk pace? When he reaches his mother later, he’s just in time for her to kick the bucket.

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Oh, but they built that. So it’s not a total loss.

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And here’s Joel Edgerton as Owen Lars.

Which begs the question – how do you lose C-3PO and buy him again?

Colin:

So a few things. They reveal the home, Owen and Beru all very quickly, so we know exactly what this place is. Here’s a question for you – if 3PO has been her for years with Shmi, working on the farm where Owen and Beru live, how come they don’t remember anything about him later when they…you know, BUY him?

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And there’s Cliegg Lars. (Like the light?)

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Ah… cranberry juice.

Must be.

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Well hello, Natalie.

Colin:

Wow, Padme. Way to sandbag Beru with your sexy ass belly shirt. Plus, Beru’s probably barren based on all those kids she and Owen don’t have by the time we see them again. But then, on Tatooine, sandbagging is one of the only pastimes you can enjoy at your leisure.

Natalie seems to be the only one able to harvest moisture here.

(Also, fun fact: Natalie Portman is filming a movie now where she’s married to Ewan McGregor and sleeping with Joel Edgerton. And it’s a western.)

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Oh, but yeah – Shmeegol is dead. Killed randomly by Tusken Raiders.

Which is such a dumb way to die. Shouldn’t she have died in a way that would fuel his anger and hatred? This is just a random killing by people who are known to kill. Like, the Star Wars equivalent of getting hit by a drunk driver. It’s kind of weak.

(Note: Apparently she was only taken by them. My interpretation of this scene while watching it the first time was that she was killed. Because it’s so implausibly stupid for what’s about to happen to happen that I could not wrap my brain around the fact that Lucas is going to go through with it.)

Colin:

Why would the Tusken Raiders WANT to take Shmi? What was their plan for her?

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Kleig Light would have been a lot better if he were played by Tom Waits.

But he says he can’t go anywhere until he gets better.

Colin:

You can’t ride until you heal? Do you think that leg is gonna grow back? Cause if so, I have some bad news.

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Wow… this is almost an interesting shot choice. Too bad it reminds me of that Episode I poster that’s much better than the actual film is.

Colin:

I…guess I have to acknowledge that you did something different by shooting the shadows instead of just putting the camera right on them for this awful dialogue. Although again, why is he waiting? He could take out these guys in broad daylight.

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Right, though?

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A sex scene in silhouette would be pretty great.

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This scene does not deserve the John Williams score it’s getting right now.

Colin:

Reminds me of one of the best tweets you ever had. “I’m the drunk this family deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”

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Jesus, we see them leave even when they leave on bikes.

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Sebulba’s probably drinking himself to death right behind one of those rocks.

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What’s with “Duel of Fates” playing over this? Don’t tease me with Darth Maul coming out. I’d rather see that.

Colin:

What? Duel of the Fates?

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Now’s a good time to talk about how Speed Racer is a supremely underrated movie. It got completely trashed before it came out, got bad reviews, and actually it was one of the better movies of that year. I was all over that movie when it came out, told people it was great, and I’ve been showing it to them, slowly but surely, over the past five years. And not one person has watched that movie and said, “Wow, that was awful.” At the very worst they went, “That was pretty entertaining.” And at best, they’ve watched it enough to where they can see a random shot and know exactly what Christina Ricci is saying in it. It’s a terrific movie (as is Cloud Atlas, but I guess we gotta wait three more years for that one to come around), and only now are people slowly starting to come around on it and realize that it’s good.

This has absolutely nothing to do with Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones, but it’s much more interesting than anything I’ve seen so far in this movie.

Though I will say – if I haven’t already. But even if I have, it bears repeating – the one thing Lucas did do right in these prequels is keep the roman numerals. If he had went with Episode 3 instead of Episode III, I think we could have all safely disowned these movies the way we’ve disowned Rocky VThe Bourne Legacy, and skinny Matthew Perry.

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Though, this is actually him doing The Searchers in space, isn’t it? Like, the first movie was supposed to be that, and isn’t, really. But this kind of is. Exactly.

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Goddamnit. The minute I want to give up hope, he throws out this shot. This motherfucker is crisp.

Colin:

Jawa Sandcrawlers. Yes, show us more things that will make us nod with recognition.

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It’s hilarious though how this epic score is playing over nothing worthy of it.

Also… this is the scene where Aragorn goes to parlay with the ghosts, right?

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“If you work for a living, why do you kill yourselves working?”

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(Right, though?)

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This looks like there should be a girl arranging flowers down below.

Colin:

What’s with this space gothic architecture? It’s like we’re in Diablo II.

I like starting things with the word space.

Like Space Denny’s.

Or, “Oh hi, Space Denny.”

We had this conversation outside of the articles (or maybe it was in an article, I can’t remember), but it’s always fun when something has the word “space” in front of it.

Space time out.

Space fireworks.

Space Liza Minnelli.

Colin:

Space titties.

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Saruman. Isengard army. Moving on.

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What’s in this place? Hopefully a sexy rock chick with some nice stalactitties.

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Jesus, speaking of Saruman and Isengard – it’s Christopher Lee.

That makes both him and Peter Cushing in this franchise. To film fans, that’s pretty great.

Colin:

Hah. It’s a huge tower in the bowels of which Christopher Lee is assembling his nefarious army. This has happened…elsewhere.

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It looks like he’s having a meeting with the people who live in Pee-Wee’s playhouse.

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Those gooks are still alive?

Colin:

Nute Gunray’s still asking questions about Padme’s assassination. That’s all he gives a shit about. It’s cute.

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Three thoughts in one here – The Searchers, Batman, and Les Vampires.

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Also reminds me of a shot from Melody Time. Because we all use Disney package films from 1948 as references.

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But seriously… The Searchers. He’s officially stopped trying.

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Tally ho!

Too many tally hos in this franchise. Not enough “I can’t feel my legs!”

Colin:

He just tally ho’ed off a cliff that was at least a hundred feet high. Is that a thing? Is there such thing as a Force Fall?

Space Tom Petty.

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Nobody hears that?

Also, how does he know which one to go into?

He’s melting the shit out of that space adobe.

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You people really are just like the Raiders.

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She’s still fucking alive?!

What the fuck, George? Remember when we had that whole realization of, “Oh wait… the Native Americans were the victims”?

Also, she would totally be fucking dead. If you’re a Tusken Raider, there is no way you keep this woman alive.

Remember what happened in westerns? Women raped and murdered and young children adopted as part of the tribe. Or murdered. There is no way this woman would still be alive. At all. This is purely for plot purposes and is stupid.

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“Shire! Baggins!”

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Really? Those are your first words? “You look so handsome?”

Fuck you, Lucas.

Also, there is no way they’re not both dead right now when the Raiders come into this tent after hearing a light saber open up a hole in a tent and see the fucking hole.

Why would you leave her unguarded, on top of that? Why do you even have her?

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“I love –”

I think she was gonna say taters. She loves them taters, Precious.

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That says a lot when you can create fake tears with CGI or saline solution and all you can get out of him is that.

(Isn’t that gonna short circuit his face wiring, too?)

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Best death scene ever.

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So you’re telling me she lived that long under what’s obviously torture, and chose that moment to die?

“Oh, that’s because she held out hope that she’d see her son again, and once she saw him, she didn’t need to live anymore because she got what she wanted.”

Fuck you.

I’d have walked out of this movie if I’d paid to see it in 2002.

You know what was out the same time this movie was out? InsomniaSpider-ManThe Bourne IdentityMinority Report. Even fucking Juwanna Mann. All better options than this.

This movie is such a fucking piece of shit.

Colin:

Think about this, though. She’s been in captivity for a month, and was still alive there a second ago as she was strapped to a scaffold or whatever that was. Anakin shows up, makes her happy, and she fucking dies. I don’t understand the logic here. Lucas throws in the line, “Now I am complete,” (more things that are complete! Hooray!) which I guess is supposed to tell us that she’s been waiting for him to show up so she could die. This is like Padme’s death later. Lucas puts way too much stock in the influence of emotions on one’s vital functions. You think people’s bodies just give up when they get sad, George? Padme could have been saved with some fucking Ben & Jerry’s and a LifeTime movie.

“And starring Markie Post as Shmi Skywalker…”

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I love the look to the side. That’s the universal, “I have feelings!” look.

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Closing her eyes? Fucking seriously? You could not do that and we wouldn’t miss it, you know.

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Closing her throat?

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Anger.

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Oh, you’se are fucked.

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He just depacitated him.

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That face.

Colin:

Damn. It happens too fast in real time for you to really catch it, but…he actually just cut off Andy Sandpeopleberg’s head.

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Goddamn. Now that’s a shot.

Colin:

Is this a noir all of a sudden?

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Only Samuel L. Jackson could make what’s about to happen work.

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Seriously. Anyone else, that wouldn’t fly.

What the fuck was that?

Colin:

A black man sat on a green screen.

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“What is it? (Motherfucker.)”

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“Pain. Suffering. Death, I fear.”

This is like a five year old who can’t sleep.

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Can you not feel it too? What’s that face about? I thought the Force was one of those things you all could sense. Kind of messed up that he can feel something as big as Anakin killing a bunch of people and you don’t notice it. That’s kind of like, “Hey, Mike, you think we should go outside? The fire alarm is going off.” “What fire alarm?”

Colin:

Though I think we can all agree that Mike is the Mace Windu of fire alarm sensitivity.

I bet Mace Windu didn’t get a cup of jungle juice roundhouse kicked out of his hand by a public safety officer when he was at the Jedi Academy.

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“Something terrible has happened. Young Skywalker is in pain. Terrible pain.”

Colin:

Shit, Yoda. Pull yourself together.

How lonely do you think this shoot was for Samuel L. Jackson? He had to sit around all day with a fucking Peanuts Christmas tree that would later become Yoda and had to just sit there as it got all the close-ups.

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How much of this franchise involves people stuck because their ships are broken?

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Obi-Wan tries calling Anakin, which is weird, since… can’t he Force call him?

Force Call Me, Maybe.

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What the fuck is that thing?

You can’t kill that with a shoe.

Colin:

Okay, whatever that bug thing is – no. Someone needs to spray this whole planet with Raid. Maybe you could kill it with one of Shiho’s shoes?

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This entire scene is Obi-Wan expositing nonsense. “I’m gonna call Anakin on Naboo… but Anakin’s not on Naboo… I’ll widen the range… there’s Anakin. But he’s on Tatooine… what’s he doing on Tatooine? I told him to stay on Naboo.”

To a droid, by the way. He’s expositing nonsense to a droid.

Which brings me back to the question, “Why don’t they kill them?”

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Way to ignore the message, R2.

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“No… no… Mr. Anakin es no home.”

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Surprisingly not the only movie with Joel Edgerton in it that involves a body bag in the desert.

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Colin:

You guys think she’s shit herself in that sack, or…?

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Colin:

You know how you could have saved her? I bet hanging out on Naboo all that time, and then lounging around having shitty dialogue with Watto, and then sitting at the table talking to the Lars family, then waiting around til nightfall to even leave, then casually talking to a Jawa and not even hopping back on your speeder with any urgency…all of those things might have contributed to the current situation, aka your dead mother.

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Can we also point out that George still uses these kinds of wipes for every scene in these movies? That’s the thing you felt you had to keep from the previous ones?

And none of them are even star wipes, either. Then why bother?

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“Hey… your mom’s dead. Want some blue shit?”

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That thing looks like a weird mesh of a 30s and 60s sci fi movie computer.

“Life seems so much simpler when you’re fixing things.”

Is he advocating for slavery?

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Jesus. This staging.

“Someday I will be the most powerful Jedi ever!”

Wahhmbulance

“It’s all Obi-Wan’s fault! He’s jealous! He’s holding me back!”

Colin:

Okay, let’s go on a rant, and then scream about Obi-Wan, cause why not? He’s clearly the one who killed Shmi. This is some Republican logic.

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Remember when angry used to mean destroying a room? This motherfucker just threw a fucking lug nut onto a pile of scrap metal angrily.

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“What’s wrong, Annie?”

(Ha ha. Now he really is Little Orphan Annie.)

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I – I killed them. I killed them all. They’re dead. Every single one of them. And not just the men. But the women. And the children too. They’re like animals. And I slaughtered them like animals. I hate them!”

You should get out now, Rihanna.

He hates them, by the way.

My favorite is, “I killed them. I killed them all. They’re dead.”

Well NO FUCKING SHIT!!

And then he says he killed the women and the children too.

You know… because it’s possible to tell Tusken Raiders apart.

Colin:

Why is Anakin sounding like he just now remembered killing them? It’s like it all resurfaced or something.

But we know what they say about tragedy

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LOOK AT ALL THAT EMOTION!

(Thank you, pause button.)

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Somebody must be littering.

Colin:

No no no, the QUEEN was the Indian.

Oh, wait.

Deli, not casino.

Seriously, it’s real convenient that Helen Keller and Anne Frank were both whites, because otherwise we’d be FUCKED.

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Colin:

This is the last reasonable point where Padme should have ditched him. He finishes telling her about the mini genocide he just committed, and she backs out of the room. “I’m gonna go check on the Hot Pockets. You want a Hot Pocket, right?” And she hops on the ship and PEACES.

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Also, what’s hilarious is that she’s like, “Don’t worry… if you’re angry, it just means you’re human,” and he goes, “I’m a Jedi… I know I’m better than this.”

Really? You just get pissed and say you hate an entire race of people and then go, “But I’m better than this”? No you’re not. If you talk about how you hate Jews, you can’t then be like, “I should really not hate Jews. I’m better than this.” If you were better than that, it wouldn’t have come up.

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I like it better when he builds sets.

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They buried Shmeegol.

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^ ^ ^ ^ ^

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You realize you’re looking at a fucking piece of stone, right?

Colin:

They never show the grave in the original trilogy. There’s never a bit with Luke and his grandmother’s grave. I guess there wouldn’t have to be, but…think they told him his grandmother was buried there?

Look at that space wheelchair Klieg has.

Space Rascal.

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This dialogue is so fucking stupid. I’m not even gonna repeat it.

Colin:

Once again, strength had nothing to do with saving or not saving her. It was probably all that lollygagging around you did on the way.

I guess you can say he… Beru it.

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Look at all that moisture.

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Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 714

“R2? What are you doing here?” (AKA, “We don’t like your kind round here!”)

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Aww… 3PO is just like Vader. Started out black and then changed color.

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 716

“Help me Obi-Wan Ken-oh, wait, wrong film.”

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 717

He’s tracked Django to Geonosis.

Sega Geonosis?

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 718

BOOBIES!

Colin:

Thank you. Good lord. 

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 719

“They’re forming a – wait –”

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Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 721

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 722

That’s awesome. I like when they do shit like this.

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 723

Yoda says shit’s going down.

Colin:

They see Obi-Wan get jumped by droids and sigh. What the fuck? How about calling up some homeys to roll on Geonosis right the fuck now? Ninja style.

Grove Street!

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 724

“I agree. (Motherfucker.)”

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 725

“Anakin –”

(Just like Hermione!)

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 726

“We will deal with Count Dooku. (Motherfucker.)”

(Also, BOOBIES!)

Colin:

I think we know why he’s into her. Lucas just needs to convince us why she’s into him.

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“The most important thing is to stay where you are. Protect the senator at all costs. (Motherfucker.)”

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 728

Of course now she’s the enabler. “It’s less than a parsec away.”

Shit… with that shirt on, I wouldn’t last more than twelve parsecs either.

But seriously… what’s this about? Remember when Anakin did nothing but disobey people? He just fucking KILLED an entire village of people. Why is he now, all of a sudden, like, “I guess I have to listen to Windu”? And why is Padme the one who is all of a sudden like, “Nah, son, you gotsta do this.”

It takes a village, I guess.

Colin:

“…if he’s still alive.” Anakin just got finished bitching about how his mother is basically dead because of Obi-Wan. However he thinks that works. So I guess it makes sense that he doesn’t want to save Obi-Wan. Of course, this is one of the major failings of the trilogies. A lot boils down to Anakin just being pissed off at Obi-Wan in general and antagonizing him. He’s never really got a good reason to hate Obi-Wan, though. Or at least Lucas doesn’t explain one. He’s just arrogant and Obi-Wan tries to check him. You know, like a mentor does. And by the way…this is Obi-Wan Kenobi we’re talking about. He doesn’t have to answer to many people’s boasts.

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 729

She says that his mission is to protect her, so if he’s gonna protect her, he’ll have to come along. Which is pretty great, only… makes absolutely no goddamn sense whatsoever and goes right back to what I was saying about George writing every scene without paying heed to anything he wrote before.

Colin:

For a second there, I thought she was gonna guilt trip him by calling him out on his double standard. “Yes, you got orders to stay here. You also got orders to stay with me on Naboo, but I don’t see any green out dem windows.” But instead, she offers him a technical out, to which he smiles. Never mind that you’re still depressed about your dead mother or pissed off at your father figure for no good reason. Someone just suggested you break some rules – smile! Yeah, some Jedi this fuck is. I’m more Jedi than him.

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Palpatine. They argue that they need the clone army now (which is just what he wants).

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I see that Senator Binks has a lot to say on the matter.

Colin:

“If only Senator Amidala were here…” She’d be the most vocal critic of what they’re proposing. If only Jar Jar Binks had a second grade education.

If he could get to thinkin’, he could be another Lincoln.

And I mean that in the bullet sense.

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They’re gonna give Palpatine emergency powers, which will allow him to approve the clone army.

(Also, this is just how they framed Peter Cushing in the first movie.)

Colin:

I think we’re back to the same place we were when Valorum got voted out. This is also why the scenario I suggested in Part II is better. They say that the Senate will never approve the use of a clone army before the Separatists attack, so someone needs to give Palpatine emergency powers so he can authorize it. Doesn’t the first half of this statement imply that a majority is opposed to the army or has misgivings about it now? So why would that majority then vote to relinquish their power, knowing full well that Palpatine would go against their wishes? It’s called the fucking transitive property. If the majority is against the clones, and Palpatine means to approve the clones, then the majority should be against Palpatine. But they talk about this emergency powers thing like it’s a matter of course. Lucas just invents parliamentary procedure, and the mere existence of this possibility makes it so immediately.

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 733

Biyrds. Dirty, disgusting, lice-ridden, biyrds.

Colin:

I get your drift.

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How do you walk around a place like this? You must be ducking flying turds all the time.

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 735

Interesting. They don’t have these in the future.

Dooku says he had nothing to do with this and will motion to set Obi-Wan free immediately. And then they talk about shit. Obi-Wan says he’s tracking Django.

Colin:

Christopher Lee’s first lines of this scene are the best thing in the prequels. Obi-Wan calls him out and he unenthusiastically pretends to be a good guy. The delivery is so flat, it reminds me of Gene Wilder. He’s like, “Oh…no. What’s this? I’m so…terribly sorry about this.”

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“It’s a great pity that our paths have never crossed before, Obi-Wan. Qui-Gon always spoke very highly of you.”

So… Qui-Gon was supposed to be Gandalf?

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“I wish he were still alive. I could use his help right now.”

Oh, yeah, also… Qui-Gon was Dooku’s apprentice.

Colin:

Oh. Layers. Dooku is Obi-Wan’s apprentice grandpappy. He was Qui Gon’s master way back when. So that’s who taught Qui Gon to be such an insufferable dick.

Dooku says that shit’s twisted. The senate is corrupt, and a Sith lord is running things. Darth Sidious.

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 738

“The viceroy of the Trade Federation was once in league with this Darth Sidious. But he was betrayed, ten years ago, by the Dark Lord.”

The Dark Lord, huh? Alrighty then, George.

Colin:

Every time they offer up a halfway decent plot point, like Dooku trying to con Obi-Wan into thinking the Separatists are good guys, it’s between two people and never comes back. If this was a major reveal that made its way around the Senate – that some Senators were under the influence of a Sith lord, there could be chaos and witch hunts. And then that could be Palpatine’s big chance to clean house and consolidate his position with emergency powers. Get the Senators afraid of each other so they turn to him. It would even make sense to give him the emergency powers under those circumstances, cause they’d be worried that otherwise the bad Senators would use their power to do bad shit; this way, they get a trusted leader to run shit “temporarily.”

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But Dooku says that Obi-Wan must join him, and together, they’ll destroy the Sith together.

Colin:

This is the oldest trick in the Sith-ver Linings Playbook. The apprentice always tries to get a good guy to join him and fight the Sith Master, but by the time they’re done, the apprentice is the master and the good guy is the new apprentice. This is what Vader was trying to pull with Luke. “Come and join me, and we’ll kill the Emperor together! It’s what you want, isn’t it?” And for good guys who are too focused on that goal and not as much on HOW to achieve it, it’s the perfect trap.

Which – why wouldn’t Obi-Wan listen to him? He can basically have him killed right now, if he wants, and if he lies to him, what’s the worst that happens? He lets him down and then tells people to kill him? At least you can put up a fight. You can’t do shit now. And at what point there would it seem like he’s lying? Isn’t the M.O. of most Siths to say, “Join me, and we’ll rule the galaxy”? I don’t really get what reason Obi-Wan has to say what he’s about to say.

(And, for the record, I saw this movie once, in 2002, and don’t remember it at all. So as I have this paused, I don’t actually know what Obi-Wan is about to say for certain. But I’m about 99% sure I know the next line that’s going to be spoken in this movie.)

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 740

“I will never join you, Dooku.”

(See?)

Colin:

Also supposed to be a callback to Luke, who says the same thing to Vader when offered the same exact choice. The more you think about it, the more you find parallels between Luke and Obi-Wan than between Luke and Vader. Although they both sorta have an influence. It’s like how Gohan’s Goku’s son, but Piccolo’s student.

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 741

“Well all right, then.”

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 742

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 743

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 744

“It may be difficult to secure your release.”

Holy shit, this motherfucker is the most three dimensional character in these prequels. (I think.)

(I feel like we had different readings of this scene. I read it as him being like, “I am not at war with the Jedi. I’m just in this for political reasons.” He doesn’t actually want to kill Obi-Wan, but since he won’t listen to his side of things, he’s like, “Well, I can’t help you, then.” Of course, the monkey wrench in this is that he’s a Sith. If Sidious were still running him and he weren’t a Sith, then I think my reading is 100% plausible. He’s just being manipulated. But even so, even if he is a Sith, it seems like his intentions are honorable. He seems upset at how fucked up the Republic is and how they don’t seem to be helping these Outer Rim systems and stuff and are mainly concerned with the Core World problems. (#CoreWorldProblems) The Sith part clouds the reading, but it still seems like he understands Obi-Wan and is trying to reason with him. He seems legitimately upset about Qui-Gon’s death and this line about, “It may be difficult to secure your release” does make it seem like he has no choice but to have him killed, and there’s no way he can rationalize letting him go to anyone else. So, I read this completely differently. And since Palpatine has him killed like nothing later on, it seems like he’s only pawn in game of life anyhow. So I still think my reading is somewhat accurate.)

Colin:

This is his, “Obi-Wan, join us so we can take back the galaxy for the good guys!” Meanwhile, he’s working with Sidious to enact a Sith plot 1000 years in the making. I think he’d GLADLY take Obi-Wan’s help, and he probably is bummed he couldn’t convince him. But he still knows pretty much everything that’s going on, up to this point anyway. It later turns out he’s a pawn in this shit, but for all intents and purposes, he is an evil Sith lord who’s trying to trick everyone.

That sucks. I was hoping for three dimensional characters. I guess I was aiming too high.

I’ll leave the bar on the floor.

(In both senses of that phrase.)

Colin:

Nah, I still think Dooku’s better than nothing. Cause I read this as him trying to get Obi-Wan’s help, and to get him to help overthrow the Emperor. Sith apprentices are always trying to kill their masters — if they’re not, they aren’t worthy of the spot, and the masters know this. The way I see this is that Dooku wants Obi Wan to become his Sith apprentice so Dooku can take over Palpatine’s operation and run shit himself. Which is awesome. 

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 745

Oh, shit… the Toon Squad is taking on the Monstars? That was tonight?

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 746

Interesting choice of shot to start the scene.

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 747

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 748

This is George’s Copacabana shot.

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 749

Oh… so JAR JAR is the one that’s gonna doom everybody. That’s WONDERFUL, George! The uneducated black stereotyped patsy character (make no mistake, if this were Gone With the Wind, you know which character Jar Jar would be) is gonna be the one who gives supreme power to the dude who is going to fuck over the entire galaxy for the next twenty years.

This film is the comedy gift that keeps on giving.

The herpes of comedy.

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 750

“It is with great reluctance that I accept this calling. I love democracy. I love the Republic.”

Colin:

“I love democracy.” Oh shit. This guy is good.

Good and terrible.

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 751

Holy shit, what’s with the nod? It’s like the guy at the end of Lincoln when he’s walking down the hall. That stupid fucking smile and nod. HOW FUCKING RACIST CAN THIS MOVIE GET?!!!!

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 752

“The power you give me I will lay down when this crisis has abated.”

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 753

“And with my first act with this new authority, I will create a grand army of the Republic to counter the increasing threats of the separatists.”

Colin:

Again, notice how everyone’s clapping at this. They’re stoked about the new army. Which begs the question, why couldn’t the army have passed through the senate earlier if it is in fact what nearly EVERYONE wants? If the only reason to give Palpatine the emergency powers was to approve the creation of the army, why does the reaction to this appear to be overwhelmingly positive? Shouldn’t they have just passed it themselves?

And once again, I ask: if the opponents of the Military Creation Act were strong enough to block the passage of the legislation, shouldn’t they have been strong enough to block Palpatine’s emergency powers? Finally, I have to point out — because it really does show how Lucas is just going through the paces — that Jar Jar SUGGESTS giving him emergency powers, there’s a general buzz of reaction from the senators, and Palpatine just accepts. Where’s the VOTE? There are thousands upon thousands of senators here. You think someone just tallies the vote by ear?

I’m amazed at how Lucas constantly feeds us political scheming and “development” without paying even the slightest attention to how politics really works or could even FEASIBLY work.

This is a man who forgets to say “action” and “cut.” Actually… this is a man who wears flannel and lives on a ranch… do you really think he knows anything about how shit works?

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 754

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 755

“It is done, then. (Motherfucker.)”

Two things – first, is this the first time Windu has spoken without Yoda having spoken first? Second – wouldn’t it have been better if he did that all in one revolving take? Started with Sam walking up the hall, tracked in past him down to Jar Jar making his speech, tracked around as people reacted to it, ended on Palpatine, watched him make his speech, then pulled back to this, “It is done, then”? How much better of a scene would that have been?

Jesus, I just came up with that off the top of my head and already my version of these movies is better than Lucas’s.

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 756

“I will take what Jedi we have left and go to Geonosis and help Obi-Wan. (Motherfucker.)”

Colin:

NOW you’re gonna send help to Obi-Wan? A little late, don’t you think?

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 757

Yoda’s gonna go to Kamino and see the army.

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 758

Another scene of someone walking out!

Telling you, this would have been better in a single take. Then the walking out becomes awesome.

Would have been better in a single take.

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 759

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 760

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 761

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 762

WHY ARE YOU COVERING UP THE BOOBIES?!!!

Also, she actually tells him to not do anything because maybe she can find a diplomatic solution to this mess.

So… let me get this straight… she finds out her boyfriend (or whatever he is) went and murdered an entire camp of Injuns (since, who are we kidding?) because his mother died there. She’s already visually shown her doubts about his anger issues and insubordination toward Obi-Wan. She then says, “Well, Obi-Wan is in trouble, we have to go save him even though Mace Windu told us not to, so I’ll take the lead and be the one to go so you don’t get in trouble, even though the reason we’re here in the first place is because I’m in mortal danger and you’ve done shit like this all the time without consequence. And oh, now that we’re here – don’t kill anyone. These separatists who are sending our galaxy to the brink of intergalactic war – there’s probably a diplomatic solution that could be had, so why don’t you leave this to me?”

Brilliant, Padme.

Or should I say… brilliant, George.

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 763

He looks kind of gold now.

Still don’t get how he doesn’t remember these two later on.

Colin:

He gets his memory wiped. R2 doesn’t. Which is why it’s curious why R2 just keeps his mouth shut the whole time. There are fan based theories (just for the fun of it) that suppose that R2 is actually one of the main agents of the Rebellion following the prequels and that through all of it, he’s basically manipulating the main players in subtle ways. And that the reason for him to not have his memory wiped was the Bail Organa recognized his potential in that respect. Nobody suspects a droid. And actually, Chewie is the other one who gets coverage. It’s pretty far-fetched and I don’t put any stock in it, but it’s amusing enough.

I didn’t notice that comment. I wrote that before I watched Revenge of the Sith again. It’s fun seeing me so young and naive.

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 764

Oh, but yeah, they’re bickering again.

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 765

Watch how her legs move. That’s how you can tell this is CG.

Colin:

I’m sure I have thoughts about this exchange on the ship, or them walking out of the vent, but…how draining is it to watch this movie?

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 766

And they’re following.

I’ve only now just realized that the plating of 3PO is a direct analogy to the quality of the franchise.

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 767

♫ “We’re off to see the wizard…” 

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 768

“Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!”

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 769

And how do you not see the flying monkeys, again?

Colin:

Things that crawl in the walls are gross.

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 770

Look at Natalie.

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 771

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 772

Colin:

I like how he Force pushes that last one to a more comfortable distance first before chopping it.

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 773

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 774

Visual callback.

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 775

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 776

Yup, pretty sure that’s instant death. There’s no way that thing doesn’t automatically burn through your entire skin and bone.

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 777

It’s like this was written to be a video game.

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 778

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 779

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 780

Boobies.

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 781

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 782

What is this, The Rock?

Colin:

Padme plays Frogger on a conveyor belt. Lovely.

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 783

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 784

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 785

Tally ho!

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 786

Why not destroy the fucking machines?

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 787

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 788

Zion?

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 789

Oh, and naturally R2 pushes 3PO off.

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 790

Right, like that would happen.

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 791

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 792

You dick.

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 793

I love that, watching this, you can see the wall George ran into and how quickly he found a fix around it.

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 794

Rape.

(You guys ever see Splice?)

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 795

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 796

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 797

“It rubs the lotion on its skin or else its gets the hose again.”

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 798

Jesus.

Colin:

So R2 pushes 3PO into the fray. He gets all kinds of fucked up. Then there’s more mindless running around and fighting from Anakin, and Padme gets dropped in a pot. I was done with this scene before it even began. It’s like if Modern Times had diarrhea.

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 799

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 800

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 801

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 802

Oh god.

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 803

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 804

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 805

“I’m so confused.”

3PO actually said it for me.

And it’s also a pretty great thing for him to say, character-wise.

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 806

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 807

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 808

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 809

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 810

Get it?

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 811

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 812

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 813

Oh no.

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 814

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 815

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 816

R2 ex Machina.

Colin:

R2’s magic dick saves the day, again.

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 817

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 818

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 819

Aww… your light saber was broken.

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 820

“Not again.”

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 821

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 822

You ready? You ready?

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 823

Django!

(Just wanted you all to remember how that is supposed to be read every time I say it.)

Colin:

But they end up being captured. That scene could have been 20 seconds long and accomplished exactly the same things. Instead, it was five and a half minutes long.

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 824

So now they’re being taken to…?

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow is Part IV, and this party being over.

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

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