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Fun with Franchises: Final Thoughts on Twilight

All right… we’ve watched the film, talked about it, had fun with it, and then we went and listed our favorite images from the film yesterday. Now all that’s left is to finish up with what we actually thought about the film as a whole.

This is our space to go over what we liked and didn’t like about each film we watch for Fun with Franchises. We talk about specific things as we get to them during the articles, and we’ll mention our general thoughts during them, but we don’t really ever get to sit and do broad strokes during the articles. So this is why we do these Final Thoughts. We get to take a step back and talk about the films as a whole, rather than discussing specific scenes or images. We’ll talk about how we felt about the film, how we liked it as a film, how we liked it as a member of its franchise, and where we think it falls within that franchise.

Again, it’s not very complicated, but it is a place to find out what we actually thought about certain movies, since, while we’re having fun with them in the articles, it may get difficult to tell sometimes. Because we’ll just rip things to shreds for fun, even if we love them.

So here are our final thoughts on Twilight:

Final Thoughts on Twilight:

Colin:

Seriously, though. I’m concerned that this film was made.

My Final Thoughts:

There is no God.

If there was, this movie never would have been made.

And since there is no God, that makes this movie only an awful piece of shit instead of a god awful piece of shit.

It’s absolutely atrocious that people think this passes for a movie.

And I’ll preface this by saying — I’m holding the books accountable for almost none of this. I haven’t read the books, so I can’t comment on them at all past — I’m sure the movies follow the same basic story. So the fact that this movie goes from having a “romantic” story to that random thriller shit or whatever it is at the end — that’s something I blame on the book. Otherwise, I’m basing all my indignation on the movie.

And this movie was terrible. Like, really, really terrible.

I could have been okay with it if they stuck with the relationship for the entire way through. I really could have. If this franchise was nothing but that, then I’d go, “Okay, I can go along with that.” But all this stupid vampire fighting shit — it’s just not interesting at all. If it were just the relationship, then I could go, “All right, then the issue is with the directing and the acting.” Because the directing and the acting here is truly just beyond the pale. (Pun ridiculously intended.)

I don’t know what Catherine Hardwicke was going for — if she just let the actors do what they wanted in the hopes of making it seem realistic, or if she didn’t give a shit, or if she truly doesn’t know how to direct a movie whatsoever — but this movie was almost unwatchable.

Kristen Stewart never finished a fucking sentence, she bites her lip whenever she gets stuck and doesn’t know what else to do, she has like four faces that she repeats over and over, and she pauses randomly in the middle of lines like it’s some sort of great acting trick. And Pattinson just sits there and glowers at her for most of the movie. It’s fucking bizarre beyond words.

Put it this way — it takes more than half the movie for them to get together. What I don’t get is why it takes that long or why it doesn’t take longer. And then, once they get together, the film (and the book, probably, as well) has no idea what to do, so then they play baseball (literally! I can’t fucking believe they just go and play baseball for no goddamn reason) and toss on some random conflict that’s been loosely strung together by about three scenes earlier in the movie. There really could have been a better way to introduce that (if it needed to be introduced at all).

There are aspects of this movie that make me think it could have been almost passable, but the complete lack of direction on the actors’ performances kills any hope that ever had. Plus, I don’t know what the fuck Hardwicke thought she was doing, but there are so many bizarre directorial choices in this movie, like that scene in the forest, where, between lines, the camera just randomly swoops and swings all the fuck around for no goddamn reason whatsoever. It’s so fucking off the wall and completely takes away from whatever emotion (or whatever it’s supposed to be) the scene is meant to have.

Not to mention the fact that the entire film is essentially shot via close up or medium shot. This could be due to lack of budget, but does it really cost money to have a fucking wide shot in your picture? And the cinematography looks awful. It makes the whole thing feel like suicidal depression, which is what I wish the characters had, so we didn’t have to sit through four more of these fucking things.

And, by the way, this was just the first film. I can’t wait to see what’s in store for us after this.

I guess all us spider monkeys better hold on tight for that shit.

I got nothing else to say for this movie. It was absolutely terrible, and I’m sure will be the low water mark for the rest of this franchise. It can actually only go up from here.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow we start New Moon.

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

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