Fun with Franchises: The Twilight Saga – New Moon (2009), Part V — “Michael Sheen Wants a Sip of Your Vajay-jay”

Today we continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, The Twilight Saga. Today is New Moon Part V.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin (whose blog is TokyoRemix.com. Fuck yeah, promotion!), who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Twilight franchise, and today is the fifth and final part of New Moon:

We begin Part V on our way to see the Volturi:

My god… a Porsche and Dakota… we really hit the motherload here. What’s next, rear projection?

They have a panic room?

An elevator? In Rome?

That’s not okay.

Colin:

I like it when places look old as shit but the underpinnings are all brand new. Ruins on the outside, sleek, modern architecture on the inside. That kinda place. This isn’t quite ruins, but it’s old, and it has a sexy elevator. That they must’ve had installed.

Are they going to see the Architect? What’s with the coloring?

Colin:

Vamipres have muzak in their elevators. Good to know.

Oh shit. Now that’s a secretary.

I want an Italian secretary.

Colin:

They have a RECEPTIONIST? Is SHE a vampire? Does she have to stop anyone that knows what this place is and would be trying to enter by force? Do other vampires make appointments and come here for favors, or is that only on the days of Michael Sheen’s daughters’ weddings?

Human, too. Which is even better. Gotta love them doing that for eye candy purposes.

She’s a human, she knows they’re vampires, and she wants to be one.

Colin:

Oh. They explained it like a second later. I just go off on these tangents before waiting to see if they tell us. I like it better this way.

It’s so much better this way. Some of our best stuff has come from going off right before they explain something.

“And so she will be.”

“For dessert.”

Colin:

It feels distinctly like they’re still very much on the ground floor. But whatever.

Italy.

Colin:

What are they doing for money? Do they make strategic investments over the years so that they’re rich as fuck and don’t have to work anymore? What if the financial meltdown wiped them out? I guess they could always just steal.

They do just sit there all day, don’t they?

What a waste of immortality.

I feel like this is Michael Sheen’s natural pose.

Did he just slip them a hundy?

From far away it looks like Alice’s hands are dripping with blood.

(“And a bucket!”)

I like how he’s like, “Oh, great! She’s not dead! Aren’t happy endings grand?”

I like people being dicks.

“They are so rare.”

Well that just got dark.

He wonders how he can bare being so close to her. Apparently her blood is vampire Spanish fly.

Even he’s getting thirsty.

Colin:

Michael Sheen wants a sip of your vajay-jay.

Michael Sheen Wants a Sip of Your Vajay-jay.

These should all be episode titles of a show.

Of our Harry Potter TV series.

He’s also fascinated that Edward can’t read Bella’s thoughts.

Apparently he can read people’s thoughts just by touching them.

Colin:

Oh, so he has to touch people to read their minds? Hmm. Okay. That kinda ruins it, especially when people know about that shortcoming.

Naturally he wants to see if he can’t read her either.

Naturally he can’t.

“I see nothing.”

Colin:

I really think it’s because her whole existence is just frowning. They see nothing in her mind cause there’s literally nothing else going on.

Yup. That’s the look that means two guys are coming in with a taser and a black hood to take you to Saudi Arabia.

“Let us see if she is immune to all our powers.”

I feel like I know what’s about to happen, and if so, that’s sinister as hell.

“No.”

Oh, I’m totally right.

“Pain.”

Oh, that’s fucked up and awesome at the same time.

The almost smile makes this work.

And then the full smile.

Colin:

I bet she likes to be on top. With a power like that, why isn’t she leading this group?

Please explode into blood right now. That would be so awesome.

Or just collapse like that.

“Stop hurting him. Please! Please!”

I like that guy in the back. He’s like the Dude of vampire councilmen.

“Jane–”

I love when people wait for the right person to tell them to stop. Like Vader. Any one of those other fuckers tells him to stop choking the guy, he keeps doing it. But Cushing – then he stops.

“Go ahead, my dear.”

A HA HA SHE’S GONNA TORTURE HER NOW I’M ALL FOR THIS

“This may hurt just a little.”

HA HA THAT REACTION IS PRICELESS

She’s gonna enjoy the shit out of this.

Too bad I already know it’s not gonna work.

Well this is awkward.

Amused vampire is amused.

Colin:

So she’s the anti-vampire. She’s immune. She wasn’t immune to the venom. So I bet these dudes want to turn her and make her work for them because their enemies won’t be able to harm her. Then Edward’s like, “No, I want her to be human!” And he has to figure out how to stop them. Correct?

“Ahhh.”

“So… what do we do with you now?”

Butt stuff.

Apparently she’s a liability. She knows too much.

Or… just flip her around a bit.

FIGHT TIME!

You better not do anything to Alice. I don’t think I could make it through this franchise without Alice.

Now that’s a finishing move.

Colin:

This fighting animation is CONSIDERABLY better than the first movie’s. That and the location.

“Yeah, I just fucked up your man!”

A HA HA LOOK AT THAT FACE

Uhh… should his face be doing that?

Lotta tackles in this one.

LAUNCHED!

Sure. Punch the table to punch him.

Now that’s a chokeslam.

Colin:

Damn, Cullen. He’s fixing you like you ain’t shit.

What’s with that face thing, though? Is that undoable? Because he doesn’t have it anymore. How does that work?

Vampire Olympics.

Colin:

This reminds me of you know what never mind, I’m not even going to waste my time or yours telling you what this movie reminds me of. Let’s get to the next movie. Let’s get to the next franchise.

Why am I thinking it reminds him of what very well could be the next franchise.

(Police Academy.)

FINISH HIM!

Oh, a tag team finishing move.

Emotion.

“Kill me.”

Colin:

She should die. That would please me. Edward has so much to live…oh, I guess he doesn’t have anything to live for cause he’s not alive.

The head turn is nice. He does not understand this creature.

“How extraordinary. You would give up your life for someone like us?”

Alice kinda likes it.

He wonders why Bella would give up her life for a “soulless monster.”

She says, “You don’t know anything about his soul.”

Do you?

He’s like, “Well, I guess it does have to be one of you.”

And since Edward’s not gonna turn her…

Colin:

See? He wants her to be a vampire.

It’s time to kill the bitch.

He could go for a nice Chianti right now.

“Wait…”

“Bella will be one of us. I’ve seen it.”

“I’ll change her myself.”

So that’s it? That’s a bit of an anticlimax.

Colin:

Apparently Alice is gonna do it? And Sheen sees it? So it looks like Alice does see it.

“Your gifts will make you an intriguing immortal.”

So NOTHING happened in this movie at all. Is what you’re telling me. The entire climax rests on the future. The entire plot was superfluous.

And yet… that’s probably why I don’t hate it.

They tell them to go and make the preparations.

Colin:

And he really wants her to be a vampire. Why not? It’s what Bella wanted in the first place.

It better be soon, or else.

(Are they really gonna come from Italy to come after them?)

Colin:

They’re leaving? Why not make them do it on the spot? Have Alice change her?

Colin:

I like the caved-in steps. Cause someone got taken the fuck out on those steps.

Nice Mr. Burns pose.

Well hello, secretary.

Did they just massacre an entire tour group?

Colin:

All these people are fucked. Kids too.

All’s well that ends well.

More sex dreams.

But now he’s there.

“I’ll still be here when you wake up.”

He says the only reason he left was because he thought he was protecting her. Which… why couldn’t she figure that out?

Colin:

He says that leaving her was the hardest thing he’d done in 100 years. But he’s like 110, so we can assume that he did something that was harder when he was 10. I’m guessing it was long division.

Super speed.

This is like a TV episode. The plot happens, and then there’s the father/daughter scene to wrap it up. “I’m sorry, Dad.” “I just hate having to worry about you.” “I love you.” “I love you too.” Piano music, end credits, one final comedy stinger as the credits roll.

Please. Don’t even pretend like you haven’t watched like, a hundred episodes of Full House.

Colin:

So like the last movie, this one ended with her running away and hurting her father horribly. Charlie deserves better.

He says she’s grounded for the rest of her life. She says okay.

My kind of relationship.

Told you it was foreshadowing.

Love the tissue placement.

He hopes she forgives him easily, because –

“I honestly don’t know how I’ll live without you.”

Reaction shots are the key to romance.

Or… indifference.

Wouldn’t it be great if Taylor Lautner came in right now and took off his shirt? “Hey guys, what’re we doing tonight?”

But, there’s something else that has to be done.

A family meeting.

Bella makes a pitch about becoming a vampire.

Colin:

I thought she was grounded. I guess those were just words.

She says “You know what I want.”

Do they? Usually you start the meeting with that.

Maybe she wants that Italian dinner you didn’t finish the last time she came over.

I can guess how every single one of them is going to vote just from these shots.

Carlisle – will wait until the end and bow to the majority of the family.

Esme –yes. She’s the wild card here, but ultimately will say yes.

Rosalie – no.

Emmett – almost definitely yes. He seems to be the one who’s most cool with her.

Alice – big yes.

Jasper – probably yes. It’s easier for him to be around her then. Could go either way, but I say yes. He seems cool.

Edward – no.

Watch me be right.

She says the only way to be fair is for them to vote.

“You just don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Shut up!”

Colin:

She tells Edward to shut up because shut the fuck up Edward.

“Alice.”

1 for 1.

Colin:

Alice likes the idea, which she would.

Jasper.

“It would be nice to not want to kill you all the time.”

2 for 2. Wih a bonus point.

Colin:

Jasper likes the idea because Alice likes the idea, and they’re fucking. Also, because she’d cease to be tasty. It’s still weird to me that Jasper is older than his adopted mother.

Bella finds this awkward.

Alice is gonna fuck the shit out of him later.

Time for Rosalie.

Rosalie votes no. She says she’s grateful, but wishes there were someone there to vote no for her. So that’s what she’s doing.

3 for 3.

I like how they put Alice next to her so we can see how she’s supposed to react to stuff.

4 for 4.

5 for 5.

Wasn’t sure how that Esme one was gonna go. Seemed like that was the only course of action. Because why would she randomly say no?

He hasn’t even started talking, and I’m 6 for 6. We’re not gonna count the Edward one, because we knew that from the start.

Colin:

The mean sister speaks sense, but her husband goes to cop a feel. Mom’s into it too. Something tells me that this ain’t no democracy. Carlisle runs his shit. He’s walking over with that ‘no’ look on his face.

“Why are you doing this to me?”

Colin:

“Why are you doing this to me? Euuuughhhnn!”

“You chose to not live without her. Which leaves me no choice.”

Motherfucker, and I was just looking at shots.

Colin:

Oh. Carlisle didn’t put his foot down?

Thrilled.

Colin:

Back in the Volvo.

She’s gonna wait until after graduation, to make it easier on her father.

She also wants him to be the one to do it.

Ha ha.

Colin:

DUDE! SHIRT! There are these places called stores and they got shirts for fucking DAYS! I’ll buy you one!

Why not just hit him? Pretty sure it won’t do much.

What, is the Volvo worth that much?

Why do all important conversations in this franchise take place in the woods?

Edward thanks him for protecting Bella.

Jacob reminds him about their treaty. If any of the Cullens bites a human, the truce is over.

Wah wah wahhhh.

Colin:

So I guess he knows about their vegetarianism? What about the attacks from before? I’m surprised they didn’t immediately assume it was the Cullens.

That’s such a huge fuck you, though. They have to turn her or else the Volturi come after them, and if he does, the wolves do.

I don’t believe him, but still, it’s such a dick move.

She asks what happens if it’s her choice.

“No. I won’t let you.”

That… doesn’t seem like it’s part of the treaty.

Colin:

Treaty others as you would like to be treatied.

That’s so funny. “If you change her, you go against the treaty.” “What if I want to be changed?” “I won’t let you!”

What exactly isn’t he letting? Her want to be changed or her be changed?

“I won’t let you have a choice!”

Team Jacob is misogyny.

Which is pretty funny, considering what a pussy he is.

Oh, that’s right. I saw it.

Colin:

Hah, I see the Volvo back there. I don’t know why this discussion is happening in the woods, but this vampire drives a Volvo.

She asks Edward if Jacob will hurt her if she becomes one of them.

Edward’s like, “You know he won’t. He’s a bitch. Look at him.”

Colin:

Edward’s like, “So…this conversation’s over cause I already read your mind.” Which I like, cause that saves us time on dialogue.

Two of them, huh?

Is she sweet talking him into being okay with it?

“Jake — I love you.”

“Don’t make me choose.”

I’m… a little confused as to how you love him. Mostly screen time wise.

“It’s always been him.”

Colin:

“Don’t make me choose. Cause it would be him.” So you know what they call that these days? ‘Choosing.’

That is pretty funny though. “Don’t make me choose, because you’re going to lose. Because I’ve basically already chosen.”

This entire relationship is “Don’t make me have to spell this out for you.” Because she’d much rather string him along.

I hate her.

Colin:

“But…we made mud pies together and now I have a wolf dick! Oh, but I’m scared of hurting you. But ooooooh!” Should have called it Crylight.

“Goodbye, Jacob.”

Well that’s a cold-blooded thing to do.

“No you don’t speak for her.”

He’s right.

Colin:

Face/Punch

Yes… that’s always a good idea.

Every creature has to yell like that and take a step forward. All of them.

Colin:

Everyone look at Neo stopping the bullets!

“You can’t hurt each other without hurting me.”

Sad wolf.

Colin:

You know in these that because it would be too much for Stephenie Meyer’s virgin imagination, the second Jacob turns into a wolf, he can’t turn back before leaving the scene once. Cause now he ain’t got no shorts on!

Wow. Almost tears? They broke out the saline solution.

Colin:

As I look at Bella cry and tremble and frown for way too long, I’d like to congratulate Robert Pattinson for finally splitting with Kristen Stewart after five years. I suggest you try the Asian thing again. That works.

They then bargain over when he’s gonna turn her. He says five years. She says that’s too long.

Colin:

“NO! In five years I’ll be HIDEOUS! DO YOU KNOW HOW OLD 23 IS?!”

Roman Polanski:

… no?

“Three?”

Apparently that’s not an option either.

Colin:

Why would she wanna get changed before she could drink? Oh my god you guys, vampires can’t drink booze why would you ever want that for yourself

“You’re so stubborn.”

That should be the second to last line of the movie (if not the last line).

“What are you waiting for?”

That should not be the last line of the movie.

“I have one… condition… if you want me to do it myself.”

He seriously takes about five seconds to start talking there.

Colin:

I hate it when teen characters do this in movies. And they ALL do. They’ll be in the middle of saying something, pause, break out into a smile that feels really forced, and then bring it down to a little smirk before restarting the sentence. Every fucking time.

Hopefully the condition is to stop doing that all the time.

Colin:

There’s a condition. She’s gonna be doing his laundry for four centuries.

“And then forever.”

“That’s what I’m asking.”

Cut to black on this.

Do something to make this interesting and make me round up from a 2.5 trending downward to a 2.5 trending upward.

“Marry me, Bella.”

Colin:

Marry him? Their whole deal is that they’re like demons and stuff. Marriage is a HOLY MATRIMONY. That’s the whole point to religious people. Which — let’s be real, their legal rights as spouses won’t come into play cause they’ll be in high school. None of them are LEGALLY married. So they’re getting married under what pretense? Religious? Cause I’m pretty sure all the religious people were just in a town square celebrating the anniversary of killing all your homeys. All this is is Meyer trying to allow the consummation of the relationship. They get married, he can turn her. Get it? The bite is sex. He has to hold back from bite-fucking her constantly.

God, I hate this franchise and its religious overtones. Or are they undertones? It’s a message, so does that mean it comes after the tone? Anyway, I dislike it.

Oh, well… they cut to black on a sigh. That’s actually… not terrible.

Well… trending downward it is. All things considered, that’s not so bad.

Not gonna bump it up to a 3, but not as bad as I thought.

Colin:

2 stars from me. Actually, no. 1.5. Cause I’d consider 2 stars and above to be almost recommendable. By the time you hit 3 stars, you’d recommend that movie to someone. And this DEFINITELY isn’t there. In fact, this is not even a movie I’d say “eh” about if ASKED for my recommendation. This is still one I would tell people to flee from. And 1.5 stars would be a shit movie that has the occasional redeeming quality. We’ll get into this during final thoughts. But knowing other stuff that you’ve given 3 stars to, I can’t believe this got as close as it did.

As long as we have our own personal systems and the ratings can be understood, that’s all that matters.

After doing three years of chronicling every movie of the year, I have very specific rankings for things. For me, just dealing with 3 and under — 3 is my rating for, “Ehh, it was pretty good.” I don’t have a limit where I start recommending things. Some 3s I recommend, some I go, “Meh.” It depends. But 3 is typically my, “It was okay, I enjoyed it well enough, but I didn’t like it like it.” That’s typically 3.5. But 3 is usually for something like… say… Thor. I enjoyed Thor well enough, but I didn’t particularly like it, and I didn’t dislike it. I enjoyed it well enough. So… 3. A 2.5 is typically a movie that I’m totally indifferent toward. I don’t really give a fuck one way or the other. I didn’t dislike it enough to go lower, and obviously the opposite for higher. Just — generic. For example, last year, I gave Pitch Perfect a 2.5. 2.5 is usually — you might like it, you might not. I thought the movie was okay, but ultimately I didn’t give a shit. So, 2.5. And then, 2 means I didn’t like the movie, but I understand that it was competently made. Kind of like this one. You can tell the production value is there, and they did what they could with the material. It’s not great, but it doesn’t offend me. And then less than 2 is varying degrees of awfulness and pissing me off.

So really this movie is closer to a 2 than a 2.5, but I’d say it’s trending closer to 2.5 since I really didn’t expect to hate this as little as I did.

Why we’re doing this here and not in the Final Thoughts article is beyond me, but fuck this franchise so far, is pretty much the prevailing thought we should leave you with.

This is awful.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow is the shots article, then final thoughts on Sunday, and Eclipse starts Monday.

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

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