Fun with Franchises: The Twilight Saga – Eclipse (2010), Part II — “The Vampire in the Volvo”

Today we continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, The Twilight Saga. Today is Eclipse, Part II.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin (whose blog is TokyoRemix.com. Fuck yeah, promotion!), who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Twilight franchise, and today is the second part of Eclipse:

We begin Part II with… guess fucking what?

What do we see more of in these movies – lip-biting or trees?

Colin:

If only Treebeard was in this movie. Then we could have lip-biting trees.

Kristen Stewart also seems to agree that nothing is worth saying if it doesn’t take a long time to say.

So many scenes open with her just randomly looking out a window.

They have bandit hats on.

See? This is what they should have been doing all along.

Colin:

Oh, I guess they are SORT of getting along. Weird that everyone should drop their shit to protect her, even though the rest of the wolves don’t really give a shit about her. Whatever.

I guess this place just became… packed.

Also, how the fuck did she know the exact moment they were switching shifts? Isn’t that kind of easy, target-wise, if they switch out on the hour?

Colin:

Hey, there’s that VW Rabbit again. The wolves must have driven here. And the vampire in the Volvo.

I really think you ought to write a kids book called “The Vampire in the Volvo.”

But only if the last two pages are one of the characters saying, “I guess this car BITES!” and then everyone laughing hysterically as the book ends.

Colin:

Wait, that isn’t already a book? I thought that was the title of the fourth Narnia book.

That had a lion in it too.

And religious allegories.

Though not even that called itself a “saga.”

Wait, where the fuck did he come from? He wasn’t in that wide shot.

“Doesn’t he own a shirt?”

Should have asked that last movie, bud.

Colin:

My FAVORITE LINE IN THE FRANCHISE! I just applauded. And Robert Pattinson’s making a real people face! This is my favorite moment in the franchise right now. “Doesn’t he own a shirt?”

I’m not that big a fan of it. Because the line knows what it is. I hate when a line knows what it is and expects you to buy into it.

It reminds me of the lines at the end of Ocean’s Thirteen, while they’re sitting in the airport, and Pitt tells Clooney to keep the weight off in between, and Clooney tells Pitt he should “settle down, have some kids.” And it’s supposed to be funny because we know they’re talking about each other in real life. To me — that’s not funny. It’s calling attention to itself. To like that feels like everyone jumping on the bandwagon of one of those things that marketed for everyone to like.

Colin:

And with a good movie, I’d agree with you 100 percent. But in this piece of shit, I’m just glad that one of the characters took a second to share in my disdain for something.

Reactions.

She like it.

He’s trying not to laugh.

Colin:

….followed by an awkward pause, and Robert Pattinson goes back to his frowny face. Characters always do something I like and then immediately go back to being boring. Like when Harry said, “But I AM the Chosen One,” like a boss, but then acted all meek when Hermione smacked him.

She tells him not to rush. Which is exactly what you want to hear your girlfriend say when you leave her with another dude who wants to fuck her.

Good job.

Colin:

Okay, with the kissing, already.

Really though, why wear pants if you’re not gonna wear the shirt?

Colin:

For our benefit, Mike. For our benefit.

These people could all commit ritual suicide for our benefit.

Why wasn’t that on the docket?

“Maybe rush a little bit.”

Yes. Rush. So that way you’ll be a little… closer to the heart.

“Hey, beautiful.”

I guesss that’s what’s known as a classic, McConaug-hey.

Colin:

Yo, that is NOT cool. Jacob’s asking to get fucked up. How do wolves do against hollow-points?

Don’t you love the smell of wolf musk in the morning?

Colin:

Suddenly he’s back to being tactful even though nothing’s changed between her and Edward. She’s still on track to becoming a vampire shortly. Which…isn’t school happening? Must be a four day weekend, or something. Anyway, he’s clearly baiting her using some diplomacy. Because bitches require diplomacy.

He even says, “Good looking out, bro,” to Edward before Edward peels away in his Volvo.

Colin:

If I can say something else positive about this film (and I do find myself being mighty generous with the nice things today, if only because if I kept saying how everything made me felt I’d be done with this bottle of wine already instead of only a third the way through), it’s that they’re using less fake teenager talk than usual. This is pretty fake teenager-y, but it’s just one line, and they’ve been few and far between compared to the first movie, especially.

They’re going to a party.

It’s a council meeting.

Some party.

Will there be s’mores?

Colin:

Native American s’mores aren’t that tasty. Cause they never had marshmallows or chocolate or even graham crackers. So it ends up being all the parts of the bison they have no other use for, all jammed up on a stick.

That would be more of a Native American shish kabob. I feel like a Native American s’more would be two buffalo testicles smushed between leather hides.

Colin:

Just like Lana Turner.

He thought it would be good for her to “hear the histories.”

Colin:

Native American stories are always kinda cool. But I’m sad that they don’t have a different elder, preferably played by Chief Dan George. It’s sad that he’s gone.

Well, they did… but they fucking killed him after about four minutes of screen time.

Look at fucking Rufio over here.

Wheels tells some stories.

How does he turn into a wolf, again?

Is that something we just… rolled past?

He tells the story of how they came into contact with vampires.

What the fuck was they wearing?

I feel like any time the Native Americans came into contact with anybody it ended like this.

Didn’t think it was gonna end like that.

Damn. You got knocked the FUCK OUT, man.

Aww… he had friends.

Why does this place look like Our Town?

That guy looked really period. Her… not so much.

I love anything that involves colonial America. More colonial America.

Colin:

Agreed. There needs to be a lot more shit from this period, or earlier. Like 1600s. Can there be a movie about King Philip’s War? That would be great. Who doesn’t want to watch Springfield, MA get sacked by a dude named Metacomet?

So I think we’re both in agreement on this — more colonial America movies and more Cold War movies.

By the way, did anyone get my Our Town joke? Because that was really funny.

Chief’s son dead.

Which – here’s a question – why aren’t there any vampire WOLVES?! That would be awesome.

Colin:

I brought this up. Any franchise worth its salt has hybrids like that. The Predalien, obviously.

If one of those gets circumsized, is it called a hy-bris?

Oh, this’ll be good.

I love people running at each other and screaming.

Gives a new meaning to Red Rover.

Wow. That did not end like I thought it would.

Oh man, O-Lan’s gonna shank the bitch.

Remember that movie where Bette Davis gets shanked by a Chinese woman?

Colin:

(Have you guys seen Milk?)

Colin:

You move me with your Tale of Tears.

Apparently the woman had “no special powers but one.”

Yeah, a big ass fucking SHIV!

Colin:

If I could choose only one super power, it’d be a big ass fucking shiv. Or money. I think money.

We’ve both played Grand Theft Auto. With a shiv, you can get money.

Some hookers drop like twelve stacks.

“Courage.”

Pretty sure it’s a big ass fucking shiv.

THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A KNIFE!!

Colin:

Wait, she stabs herself? What about the dead guy? He still has blood! I bet it’s still warm, too. Just because you pull the plug on the fridge doesn’t mean the beer goes bad immediately.

As my grandfather can attest.

Fun side story: My grandfather was an alcoholic. I never really saw it, but according to my mother, he was. He also lived into his 80s, so I got that going for me. Which is nice.

But anyway, he was always a character. He’s the only person I’d ever heard of who willingly wanted to move to Florida and live in a trailer park. That’s what he did. He moved down there when I was like, 6, or something, and just lived in a trailer park the rest of his life.

I remember hearing another funny story once where he sold his pickup truck to a guy — because of course he had a pickup truck — and the guy was some hick from Florida, so he didn’t know any better. So my grandfather sold him the car, but kept all the papers for it, the title and such. So the guy bought the car, straight cash, handshake agreement, and like five days later, my grandfather reported the car stolen and the police brought it back to him.

My grandfather was also big reader. A big drinker and a big reader. He subscribed to one of those book club things, and they’d send him books every month. And he’d never get around to reading all of the ones they sent, so he just had a trailer stacked with books.

So one day, he’s sitting outside amongst the trailer with his friends, drinking and playing cards. Picture a bunch of dudes in their 60s and 70s, wearing wife beaters, high-waisted white shorts that stop above the knee, and sandals with socks on, sitting around a beat up folding table, playing cards and drinking beer in the middle of a trailer park.

So they’re playing cards and drinking, and they’re drinking so much, they have no idea that my grandfather’s trailer has caught fire and is burning to the ground. Not one of them notices this. By the time they noticed it, it was beyond saving. So it burns to the ground, and they just watch it. They drink, play cards, and watch the trailer burn to the ground. As you do.

And then the firefighters show up later on, and they start asking what happened and whatever, but my grandfather isn’t interested in that. He starts shooting the shit with the firefighters and decides the more important thing to do was to bet the firefighters that the beer he had in his refrigerator would still be cold.

And this bet actually went down. The firefighters made a bet with my grandfather over whether or not the beer that was in his refrigerator, in a trailer that burnt to the ground, would still be cold.

The best part is — it was still cold, and the firefighters drank the beers with my grandfather afterward.

So if there’s any question about what I’ll be doing in 55 years, that’s it. (Maybe just in a different location.)

There’s a shot.

Maybe you could have just cut a little bit. Instead of in the gut.

I like watching wolves destroy people.

I wonder if they’re setting something up for later…

Nah.

And there we go.

Colin:

Ever notice how in movies, Native Americans in their 40s and 50s are always wise and have sage advice and stuff, but the ones in their 20s are invariably impulsive assholes?

It just dawned on me that if one of these tribesmen were so inclined, his son would be a boy named… Sioux.

Nice shot.

Bodies are fun.

It would be better if they were attacking a boat full of Chinese immigrants.

Colin:

Oooh… yeah.

Ooh, they turned somebody. That’s good. I was hoping I’d see that. Because what do you tell a person after you turn them? They don’t necessarily have to listen to you, do they? Pretty sure they could do whatever the fuck they want.

Just to get this out there… vampires in general are a sexual monster. The whole notion of the vampire and the biting of the neck — it’s very sexualized. So the fact that he just turned what looks to be a twelve year old girl — it’s really creepy.

“What did you do to me?”

“Butt stuff.”

“Gollum…gollum.”

Colin:

I was thinking Trelawney, but also yes.

Holy fuck What is this, Tron?

Colin:

Yeah, I don’t get it. Why are they like, soft, but not? They’re made of porcelain or something.

“Just try not to get killed.”

This seems oddly nice of him. Do I need to rethink this guy?

That’s also a trick question.

That implies that I thought about him in the first place.

So, she’s like ten, was just turned into a vampire, doesn’t know it at all, and the only thing she is told is, “Try not to get killed.”

Well… this’ll end well.

Colin:

Isn’t she a teenager? I thought she was just one of those really little teenagers. Some girls are just teeny, and look like they’re 10 until they’re like 29. 

News.

I guess this is our one… anchor, to the real world.

They say it takes more than one person to do that kind of damage.

Edward says it must be newborns.

“Someone’s creating an army.”

Most people are creating an army.

Colin:

Hm. So somebody’s raising an army of vampires. Which is kinda weird and freaky, cause how does that work? This guy only just got turned himself, and already he has the restraint to just bite people and turn them. Remember how in the first movie, even the level-headed ones could barely stand to be around humans? And Edward could barely stop himself from killing the love of his life. And now this random vampire seems to be cool biting random people to get them in the army. What if you get bitten and don’t want to join? Is that the guy that they just killed? Is that what it’s about?

This motherfucker is excited.

He’s Gimli.

Colin:

I like how Emmett’s a total dick all the time. “Something to look forward to.” He’s a total bro. Which is weird, considering that he came up in the early 20th century.

“An army of vampires?”

That is a good point. It’s never a Marine Corps of vampires, or an Air Force of vampires. Wouldn’t it be funny to see vampires flying B-52s?

But on the other hand… are you serious, Legolas?

An army of vampires? No, it’s an army of cephalopods.

Colin:

But where’s the whale?

But anyway, they go off on some exposition shit, where Edward’s like, “Aro wants Alice and I to join the Volturi so he has our powers. So maybe he’s sending them to make sure the rest of you don’t survive and we have to join him.”

Colin:

After Star Wars, I have to say that I appreciate it when people unravel plots like this. Or at the very least, they’re putting shit together. Maybe it’s slightly wrong, but they have a theory. In the Star Wars prequels, it was always, “Hmm…we don’t know. Go check it out.” And then nothing ever turned up. This is a rare positive for this film.

Where the fuck is the Bier?

Colin:

Yeah! BIERS! I’m drinking wine, but still.

Yes, this is how one comes up with a lead.

(Where is his beer?)

Father/daughter moment.

Hey, how come they didn’t have any more kids?

(Then again… of course Bella is an only child.)

But, maybe Charlie could have adopted or something.

Maybe there could have been a… black, Swan.

He says Riley Biers’s parents are looking for him, and she realizes that’s the guy who’s looking for her as a newborn.

Colin:

Oh, so that’s the guy? Vampires all seem to be like 20 years old, tops.

She asks if maybe the parents should give up, and Charlie says, “If it were you? Not ever.”

Colin:

That’s not bad. Charlie says this shit and she realizes she’s about to do that to him. Okay.

Most of the stuff that works in this franchise is related to Charlie.

You know… because it has a legitimate emotional center.

She realizes she needs to figure out what she’s gonna tell people once she becomes a vampire.

How about telling them you’re a vampire?

“After a few decades, everyone you know will be dead.”

Colin:

Well, it’s more like after 5 or 6 decades…and if you’re saying EVERYONE she knows will be dead, it’s probably more like 7 or 8, given our life expectancy now.

Comforting.

Colin:

That’s just it, though. You’ve lived through it. The “living” part is open to interpretation, but we really don’t see the downside to them being the way they are. Before all the evil showed up and started fucking things up, they seemed to have a baller ass life. Sweet house, sweet cars, chilling at home, fucking all the time…seems great. Sign me up.

They talk about shit – the usual. I’m disinterested.

Colin:

I don’t believe in souls to begin with.

And keep in mind that if we go by Stephenie Meyer’s metaphor of the bite as sex, people who’ve lost their virginity have also lost their souls.

Of course she had to make this about him being selfish and trying to resist that. I’ve had it with the ‘resisting your desires and temptations’ theme of this series, cause it’s bullshit. After we’re done with this franchise, I’m gonna take two days off from work and just watch porn the whole time.

That’s how bad Jacob is. I’m watching this shit and I still prefer Edward to that asshole.

That’s how little I care about this scene. I didn’t even bother to go back and add synopsis or dialogue for the stuff Colin was talking about.

I completely tune out when they go off on these stupid discussions that are variations on the same two discussions they had at the beginning of the film.

Still no sex. I guess all they do in Forks… is spoon.

Colin:

Wide shot of Washington that I like.

It looks like the Dead Marshes.

Colin:

This is like, insanely prettier than Phoenix. That’s where she came from, right? I tend to lump the whole non-Cali Southwest together into one shitty, orange blob.

Here it comes.

Colin:

Stop smiling at shit, you idiot.

“I just wanna do this differently.”

He’s in love with her.

Remember how I told you that’s her reaction for everything?

Colin:

I hate all of this, but I can’t blame these actors for doing this at all. They’re doing practically nothing and getting a serious paycheck. Serious enough. Compared to what I make. I’d be in a Twilight movie in a second if the money was right. Get me thinking about cars and I’ll do just about anything.

Get Me Thinking About Cars and I’ll Do Just About Anything

And then they argue about shit, or whatever. I’ve tuned this part out too.

Colin:

She needs to know the truth and understand all her options. I was expecting Mormon stuff, but this sounds more like a Jehovah’s Witness.

They really lay it out quite clearly this time, don’t they? What happened to the whole, “We can’t be together cause I’ll lose my composure and Chris Brown your face up” thing?

I don’t remember or care to go back and figure out what was said, but it’s clear that was a “last movie” problem. That stuff is long forgotten about.

She doesn’t feel the same way about him.

“I don’t buy it.”

Colin:

Shirts. Is what he doesn’t buy.

He’s gonna fight for her. “Til your heart stops beating.”

Seriously, Kristen. Control your emotions.

“You don’t have to change for me, Bella. Or say goodbye to anybody.”

Colin:

No, she wouldn’t have to change. You’d just both get old and then die.

So what he’s saying right now is… “Don’t go changing, to try and please me.”

(But also, yes, it is.)

“I can give you more than him.”

But Edward can show her the world.

Shining, shimmering, splendid.

Colin:

FYI, “The World” is Mike’s nickname for his penis.

He’s got the whole world in his hand.

I’m sitting on top of the world.

It takes different strokes to move the world.

Okay, okay… one more.

Wayne’s World.

You guys remember when I had dignity?

Nah, me neither.

This face is fucking incredible.

Just looking at him, you can tell he breathes through his mouth.

Oh, man, the triple whammy here. The lip bite, the awful dialogue, and that fucking hand on the chest.

“Feel that? Flesh.”

This might be the worst scene in the history of movies.

Colin:

Flesh, and blood, and warmth. Roaring fires, malt beer, red meat off the bone.

And the cherry on top.

U mad?

Colin:

She isn’t into the kiss, I guess. Which is good. Cause usually this happens and the girl’s like, “Oh! Oooohhhhh….”

Best face ever.

Colin:

Is his face that hard? Seriously? Why the fuck did she punch him in the face anyway? It’s understood that the inappropriate kiss response is the slap. It’s not like a punch is going to do any more to him, so it’s just a matter of showing your anger. Which the slap does. And it doesn’t hurt you like this just did. She’s a punchy girl. Nobody should be that punchy, men or women.

Holy shit she’s still going.

Holy shit, that was incredible.

Favorite moment in the franchise.

That must have been an awkward ride home.

Colin:

And we’re reminded that Jacob drives a VW Rabbit, so either he’s a 55 year old female sculptor, or he’s a young man who you should never date.

Uh oh.

Colin:

Vampire in a Volvo. Never gonna get over that.

And from the looks of it, she’s never gonna get under that.

He mad.

I HAVE A LOT OF EMOTIONS!

There’s a shot.

That’s what this situation needs. Charlie.

“What’s going on?”

I’d have liked it better if he just stood there, looked at them, grabbed Bella, pulled her away and just said, “Carry on.”

“I’m Robert Pattinson and here’s my mad face!”

“I kissed Bella.”

“And she broke her hand.”

“Punching my face.”

Colin:

She broke her hand…punching his face. That is a pretty badass thing to tell someone. Admittedly, that’s badass. I enjoy that.

“Total misunderstanding.”

I enjoy this scene.

Because I think about the shitty turn it could have taken before Charlie showed up.

Carlisle is amused.

“Trying to walk and chew gum again at the same time, Bella?”

“I punched a werewolf in the face.”

That line – actually amazing.

“Badass.”

Colin:

I begin to appreciate Emmett more. He makes fun of Bella, and acknowledges how badass it is that she punched a werewolf in the face. Badass, but foolish, as a pathetic human. Of course, no vampire from his time period should speak this way.

Why isn’t there more Alice in this movie? I need more Alice.

Colin:

I think she’s… in Wonderland.

“You’ll be one tough little newborn.”

Rosalie be pissed.

Colin:

She’s gonna go talk to her sister-in-law to be. Cause that’s what you do, I guess. I dunno. I get along famously with both my sisters-in-law. Cause they’re both bosses. They run their shit.

Bella doesn’t understand what she did to make her hate her so much.

Colin:

“I don’t understand what I did to make you hate me so much.” C’mon. Just as I was letting the booze help me come up with things I liked about this movie. You just had to have a teen girl drama conversation that would make me hate you again, didn’t you? For fuck’s sake.

Rosalie doesn’t hate her. “I don’t particularly like you, but…”

She envies her.

I can already tell what you’re thinking, and shut the fuck up.

She said none of them had a choice, but she does, and she’s choosing wrong.

Rosalie is upset she never got to have a family and shit.

Can’t she still have that? I mean, this is technically possible, if my knowledge of what’s going to happen next movie is correct.

Colin:

Can vampires get fat? Or do they stay exactly the way they were when they were changed? Cause wasn’t she changed in the 30s? 30s chicks were more….shapely than this, typically. Or at least they were in the movies. And this is a movie.

I guess because she’s been eating blood all these years. That diet is… thicker than water.

(Also…right?)

A HA HA HA HA. Flashback.

Colin:

A 30s flashback? No, I can’t. This is too fake.

This is awesome. This is like the 30s in color.

That’s Jack Huston.

I guess that was a thing in the 30s… women just walking along, randomly, at night, and running into their fiancée drunk with his business colleagues.

When did this turn into The Accused?

Colin:

Rape. Why did it have to be snakes rape?

This is a legitimate situation in which you can say, “Go home… you are drunk.”

I don’t like it.

…and he beats the shit out of her.

Nice.

Seriously, K-Stew. Tone it down.

She got her revenge.

Well alright then, Miss Havisham.

Colin:

The wedding dress is a nice touch.

I guess she’s… dressed to kill.

“I was a little theatrical back then.”

“I understand.”

Best line in the movie.

Seriously. Best line.

“In the 30s, I was savagely beaten almost to death by my fiancée in front of a bunch of other guys, and then I got turned into a vampire so I wouldn’t die, and then I killed all of them and am now living in an unchanging state for all eternity.”

“I understand.”

This is almost as good as Ginny Weasley’s “I know.”

“There’s nothing I’m ever gonna want… more… than Edward.”

All right, Kris, tone down the pauses.

“You’re wrong again. After you’ve been changed, there’s one thing you’ll want more.”

Is it pizza bagels? I bet it’s pizza bagels.

Colin:

There’s something to think about. She’ll want blood. I like pizza. I don’t want blood. I want pizza. And booze. No more booze! What am I saying? She never tries booze, anyway.

I like how we both immediately went to pizza.

So this is happening.

“What did I say about a low profile?”

Uhh… it’s against it?

Maybe don’t give a speech next to a burning car that’s probably leaking gas.

Colin:

This guy’s really into it. Is he being run by the Volturi? I’m still not sure if they were right about that shit. Maybe cause we don’t get enough info and I can’t be helped to care either way.

Squalay.

Ah, Volturi.

Colin:

Oh, well the Volturi are watching them. This chick could fucking end them with a thought if she wanted to, right? I’m betting Bella has to get transformed so she can end this chick. Cause she’s the only one immune to the power.

This motherfucker is doing a bad job with this acting thing.

She’s not.

“Maybe we should consult with Aro.”

I’m gonna take that as a no.

Colin:

She disapproves of mouthy guy. So torture it is. Shire. Baggins.

Dakota Fanning is the Darth Vader of this franchise.

Who’s this fucker on the left? None of these people sound like a centuries-old vampire family.

How come Aro isn’t here?

Does he not like getting on…. Aro-planes?

“Either we let them do what they were created for, or we end them.”

“Decisions, decisions.”

Yeesh, with the dialogue.

Colin:

What they were created for? Okay, so they definitely are being run by the Volturi. Or were. But now that they’re causing too much of a fracas, they might need dealing with. I also love how I said she could end them if she wanted to a minute ago, and now she says one of their options is to “end them.”

Though I think leaving the newborns to do what they were created to do is just… Fanning, the flames.

Ah, graduation.

Colin:

Oh, fuck graduation. If I hear Vitamin C, I’m turning this shit off and finishing the bottle, I swear.

I guess that would be known as a Vitamin… C you later.

Yeesh, yellow.

Colin:

Hm, they get yellow caps this time. Doesn’t go with their little art piece on the wall.

Doesn’t go well with that black guy sitting next to her.

What is he, like, the fourth black person in this franchise?

What is this, her second scene in the movie?

Naturally her speech is about not making hard and fast decisions and instead, making mistakes.

Colin:

Anna Kendrick’s speech sucks so far.

“Fall in love…A LOT! WOOO! SLUTS! Major in philosophy…what a bunch of deadbeats they are, am I right, guys?!”

Para-llels.

Colin:

How…incredibly pertinent and deep that speech sounded in the context of this film.

You mean she didn’t trip and fall and tear her ACL, MCL and PCL?

That’s probably why he’s clapping.

Colin:

Shitty high schools have their graduations in the gym. If your graduation was in the gym, I’m really sorry, but…yeah.

Damn. Nice party, Alice.

Colin:

What high school has a party like this? How do you have your graduation in a gym and then show up to THIS? Damn.

Colin:

OOH it’s the Cullens’ party! Of course. Yeah, they’d throw a party like this. It’s pretty dope cause they have a sweet place. The more interesting thing would be how everyone else seems to be invited and they’re all like, “Uh…we’ve never spoken to the Cullens before and they’ve always creeped us out, but I heard they have a bomb ass pad, so…you’re going, right? Yeah? Okay, let’s go.”

How come no booby dress?

Colin:

How Come No Booby Dress?

Colin:

WHOA wassup OTHER chick that has titties outta nowhere?

“What are you doing here?”

“You invited me, remember?”

“Was my right hook too subtle for you? That was me uninviting you.”

He apologizes.

Colin:

I dunno if you’ve dealt with females before, but they don’t usually take a simple “sorry” as adequate recompense for an offense they punched you in the face for.

Aww… presents.

Colin:

A little wolf keychain. Good. I’m sure she’ll…treasure that….piece of shit keychain.

Of course he made it himself, though. Because he could never just have bought it from the trading post.

“You made this? It’s really pretty, thanks.”

Women – hating you one minute, but give them some sort of trinket…

What up, Alice?

WHAT THAT SMELL LIKE?

Colin:

Hey, gang! Alice said ‘Jinkies!’ saw something! Must be a clue.

Maybe she saw what happens if they win. A future with Alice… in chains.

“Alice, what’d you see?”

“The decision’s been made.”

They’re coming here.

They’ll be here in four days.

So, they’re invading? I hope they don’t… Forks it up.

I love that they’re all in this meeting.

Colin:

Convenient that the wolves are here. Probably good that they are here cause now they get to hear the Cullens talk about running their shit.

My favorite is how they run through all the exposition, saying how someone’s building this thing, using their blind spots against them, and they figure out it’s Riley Biers, and all that shit, and the first thing Edward says is, “It has to be the Volturi.”

You guys remember A Pup Named Scooby Doo, and how, in every episode, Fred was constantly blaming everything on the local kid named Red Herring?

That’s what this is. Edward blames fucking everything on the Volturi.

Colin:

I loved Red Herring. I forgot that show existed. When Edward and Jacob team up, they’re almost like Commander Cool and Mellow Mutt.

But yeah, an army is coming, and they’ll be here in four days.

Colin:

And the Cullens do talk about running their shit. I like how the wolves have nothing to say. It’s not that I particularly like what’s going on, but if I’m in this for the long haul I might as well hate on who I’m gonna hate on, which is the wolves.

He doesn’t get it.

They explain that it’s newborns, and they’re here for Bella.

(Slowly. With pictures.)

He’s in.

“No.”

You fucking idiot.

“I wasn’t asking for permission.”

Men.

“It means more protection for you.”

Colin:

Oh, I like this now. They’re setting shit up over Bella’s head, and she dislikes it. Willingly do something Bella dislikes, and I’ll probably be in favor of it.

Looks like her opinions have just been… eclipsed.

“Jake — you don’t know what you’re getting yourself into.”

“Bella — this is what we do.”

Goddamn right, that’s what they do.

Just like Warren G and Nate Dogg.

And this is where we’ll END PART II.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow is Part III, and vampdingo fighting.

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

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