Fun with Franchises: The Twilight Saga – Eclipse (2010), Part V — “You Couldn’t Find Bullshit Like This on a Cattle Ranch”

Today we continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, The Twilight Saga. Today is Eclipse, Part V.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin (whose blog is TokyoRemix.com. Fuck yeah, promotion!), who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Twilight franchise, and today is the fifth and final part of Eclipse:

We begin Part V during the “important” part of the battle.

Victoria knew they weren’t at the fight.

Colin:

Look at that, Victoria’s coming for them. I’d like a medal for every time I get something right in guessing the plot, but it’s too easy.

So does he.

Apparently he knew right where to go on this mountain.

It seems he had a special set of… Bier goggles.

Why are you standing there like he’s some sort of threat to you? He’s not even a newborn.

Colin:

I really hate that term. “Newborn.” I hate when alternate universes have their own slang terms that borrow from regular words. Like if it had been “retard” instead of “muggle.” Actually, scratch that, that sounds kinda funny. But I hate the term “newborn.”

I wonder why they recast this part. It’s not like she has all that much to do.

Colin:

David Slade probably wanted to pop that Mayberry.

Opi-lease.

Edward’s like, “You know she’s using you, right? She knows I’ll kill your ass, and she’ll be happy that she doesn’t have to deal with you anymore.”

Colin:

That’s fucked up. Dude’s been changed and now he’s being used.

“Don’t listen, Riley. I told you about their mind tricks.”

Colin:

I love when people do this. By which I mean, why the fuck do people do this? “See? I TOLD you they would tell you shit that almost definitely incriminates me! Therefore I MUST be innocent!” That…doesn’t make any sense.

Aww… look at this scene — Bryce Dallas Howard, snow, and Edward.

Red White and Blue Balls.

“She only created this army to avenge her true mate – James. That’s the only thing she cares about. Not you.”

Colin:

There’s one way to make all of this sound more convincing. Have Riley think of something and then have Edward tell him exactly what it is.

I hate the use of the term “true mate,” but he can read minds, so I’ll let it slide.

That is true, though. There are so many easy ways out of this.

But this is also the guy who decided to kill himself without getting confirmation on a death he heard about over a phone and a franchise that presumed he couldn’t be reached once he broke his cell phone.

Colin:

And Jacob didn’t even tell Edward it was Bella’s funeral. It was Harry’s.

We both hate their terminology. The word “mate” bugs me in this context. Like referring to someone as your “lover.” Eugh.

You know who uses the word “mate”? Australians.

And they use cunt all the time and get away with it.

I like that.

Why do they all do the guilty look? Aren’t you a sociopath?

Don’t be so… Victori-aghast.

“Think about it. You’re from Forks. You know the area. That’s the only reason she chose you.”

Well I’m sure banging a young guy had something to do with it.

She could have chosen the black guy who almost ran over Bella with his car if she wanted to.

By the way, what happened to him?

Colin:

Statistically speaking, he’s a statistic.

Black Guy:

Hey… I am a very important character in this franchise.

Nah, I’m just…. token.

“Don’t let him do this to us.”

I love when people say, “Don’t let him ruin us by believing that it was really me that ruined us.”

Decisions, decisions. Listen to logic, or party with this bitch. Show some pity, see some titties. Spare the teen, or get in between those titties.

Colin:

Everyone should know (and if you don’t know, I’m telling you now) that if you’re ever in a position where you have to choose a side between a ginger chick and ANYTHING else, the ginger chick is the wrong choice.

“You’re dead.”

Colin:

He’s a moron. He has chosen…poorly.

“You’re dead”… what a stupid fucking thing to say. How about just showing him go to kill him? Doesn’t that work just as well? Why the fuck would you say, “You’re dead”? You really have no reason want to kill this guy AT ALL.

NOPE!

“Holy fuck.”

“NNNOOOOOOOO!!!”

Colin:

Hey, another franchise with people losing hands. People be losing hands left and right in franchises.

A ha ha. He actually did it!

Look at the ass on her.

Colin:

Aw…if only Kristen had some ass. Maybe I wouldn’t hate her as I do.

It’s funny how she set all this up and is now going to flee at a moment’s notice.

God forbid this stupid shit goes on for two more movies.

Besides, running away is no way to be… Victori-ous.

“You won’t get another chance like this again.”

Colin:

Is Robert Pattinson getting heated? That’s rare.

Also — yeah, she probably will. You’re not gonna protect this chick 24/7. She is immortal. The odds favor her having another chance.

“You want her. You want me to feel the pain you did when I killed James.”

Colin:

I like how he’s walking forward, away from Bella. How funny would it be if she just got hit by a bus all of a sudden?

He will show you the life of the mind.

“When I tore him into pieces. When I turned him into ash.”

“When I turned him into nothing.”

When he saved him from this franchise.

Colin:

She’s convulsing. This is hilarious.

She should start DMX barking.

So he called her out and it worked.

Kinda weird how she didn’t bring a couple of newborns up here with her.

Colin:

Right? Like Vader at the end of A New Hope. “Let’s go for a stroll.”

Honestly, I bet this is what it looks like when they finally fuck. He’s been holding that shit in for 100 years.

Wouldn’t it be funny if they just stayed there on the ground, swatting at one another?

This is like Brave.

Also, she kinda looks like Julia Roberts here, and it scared me.

Colin:

Pale skin, red hair, lips…that’s about all you need to pass for Julia Roberts. And a brain is all you need to pass ON Julia Roberts. (Ginger!)

Put in an explosion in the background, and this is a Bay movie.

I wish the wolf bit his dick off right there.

Colin:

FUCK TREES

If there’s one thing we’ve learned in EVERY franchise so far, it’s “Fuck trees.”

If that tree landed on her, this really would have been a… broke back, mountain.

This is Bryce Dallas Howard’s mad face.

This shot is amazing out of context.

It’s like they’re doing a magic show or something, and she’s mime-pulling him in or something.

But, actually — TALLY HO!

Colin:

None of this is particularly good, but I’ll go with it cause I’m nearly six hours into this franchise and that depresses me.

Do you guys think Hermey ever got formal dental certification? I mean, he wanted to be one, and he practiced and stuff, but do you think he ever got certified? Do you need to, up there?

What? Was something important going on?

Well, he just kicked a wolf in the face.

What if he peed on it right now?

I’d probably pee on that wolf.

Sleeper hold.

Colin:

I thought Edward was supposed to be a boss. Who the fuck is this chick? Why is she so badass? And now Riley’s back? Bella, what do you really think you’re going to do?

That’s Ron Howard’s daughter.

That’s why she can do this shit.

CAMEL CLUTCH!

He’s gonna break his back, fuck him in the ass and make him humble.

This has legit turned into a wrestling match.

Is he gonna start hulking out with the aid of the fans?

What the fuck are you gonna do?

KRISTEN THIS IS NO TIME TO COLLECT ROCKS

“Wow, this Limestone is tight!”

What are you gonna do? Throw it at her? I already know you can’t throw worth a fuck.

A HA HA look at this shot.

Oh shit, son.

I B-positive, that’s not good.

Colin:

Oh, distraction. Right, cause if I’m in the middle of murdering my sworn enemy, I’m gonna stop at the scent of the most delicious food ever. Nope.

So apparently this is supposed to parallel O-Lan back in that flashback.

What kind of courage did that shit take?

This isn’t heroic. This is fucking stupid.

What that smell like?

That smell like what the other thing smell like.

This is kind of like when Frodo pulled out the ring on Weathertop.

Colin:

Why is Carrot Top carrot stopping? She’s old, right? She should be able to control herself, no? Even if she doesn’t care to hold herself back most of the time, you’d think she’d be ABLE to by now.

She also wants this bitch dead more than anything. So I think it’s okay.

What I don’t get is why they don’t do what you always say — kill him now and then advance on her. You have the time to do it. They’re just hesitating.

Colin:

Seriously. Edward’s a threat, so you murder him first. Then you can go kill Bella too, because ~~you like her raincoat, bitch~~ she can’t run.

Maybe not that big a cut. There’s arteries in there.

What’s it with this bitch and cutting arteries?

Colin:

Seriously, they have pills for this shit nowadays.

Hey, you remember when she BROKE HER HAND earlier in the movie? I have not seen her ONCE in a cast since that happened, aside from when Carlisle was putting it on. And that wasn’t even a hard cast. Don’t broken hands often require hard casts and not ACE bandages? She did not wear that cast ONCE since she broke her hand.

How do you fuck up continuity THAT badly?

PIMP SMACK YO ASS BITCH!!

Ha ha. He’s gonna lose another hand.

Colin:

There are two things I see in this shot. Forest, stump.

Oh fuck. He’s gonna lose a lot more than that.

Colin:

Is that still Seth? Shouldn’t the rest of the pack know what’s up if they can hear his thoughts? Shouldn’t Jacob be high-tailing it up here right now?

They might just be. But we also don’t know how far up the mountain they are, so there’s no telling… howl long it’ll take.

Colin:

“RACHEL! RACHEL!”

Can someone make a gif of Maggie Gyllenhaal blowing up?

Can I request that? To have.

Colin:

That’d be some shit. If Mike was condemned to death and they asked him for his last request. “You know…I always wanted a gif of Maggie Gyllenhaal being vaporized.”

Some—

She don’t give a fuck.

And I don’t either, because —

It’s too long, but I don’t care.

Don’t you guys see Julia Roberts? It’s creepy, right?

I guess not as creepy without the horse teeth.

TITTIES!

Pull a Road House!

Or hug him.

Oh man, this’ll end well.

So he just launched her upside down by the neck.

And Kristen Stewart is standing in the background, watching like an idiot and bleeding everywhere.

Kristen Stewart is Bleeding Everywhere

TASTE THE SNOW BITCH

PULL A ROAD HOUSE!

HE PULLED A ROAD HOUSE!!!!

Colin:

I like the way yo neck come off, bitch.

Jesus… she fell funny.

Colin:

That too, will never go away. It’s amazing how many lines from that movie are ripe for usage.

I am actually thinking it, though.

Colin:

That’s what snow looks like on fabric. How real.

So… does he have to burn that body now or… how does that work?

“Wipe yourself off – you’re bleeding.”

(Or is he taking her shirt off?)

PLEASE FUCK ON TOP OF THE BODY ON TOP OF THIS MOUNTAIN

Well that’s a waste of flannel.

I think he had one too many Biers.

Why the fuck do you have a lighter on you?

No. I refuse to accept this.

Why the fuck does he have a lighter? Was he actually planning to burn a corpse today? It’s not like you need firewood. And WHY THE FUCK DIDN’T YOU USE THAT LAST NIGHT WHEN SHE WAS FREEZING?!

I really enjoy the burning of a corpse.

I just found this out.

(I’m gonna tell you something about me you may not know…)

Seriously, why is that “snow” still on his shirt?

Also — just like Anakin.

Colin:

Did someone coat her in gasoline, or are vampires just SUPER flammable?

But which was killed here, the master, or the apprentice?

Every franchise has one.

Colin:

It’s funny, cause one of the Crazy 88 sort of has Edward hair. It’s kinda fucked up how I’m that guy now who, 10 years after the movie came out, is noticing how Lucy Liu didn’t quite master the art of walking in zori and kimono. Of course, there’s her atrocious Japanese accent. Whatever. This all adds to the flavor. She’s hot, it’s fake Japan. Enjoy it.

He’s basically saying he loves that movie… in Liu of that.

Wow, they really are just burning all the corpses.

I like how Alice is the only one looking around for the other threat.

And Carlisle is brushing his shoulders off.

And Rosalie is like, “Good… good.”

Colin:

How’d they miss this one?

They needed someone to hear that the time of the orc has come.

Also, he looks like Todd Phillips crossbred with McLovin’.

You got bit.

Colin:

Leah’s boutta get fucked, but nope. Here’s Jakey!

All we need is a ray of sunlight to have a… shining, happen.

Colin:

And Jacob gets fucked instead. Ouch.

There’s a sentence you never thought you’d hear in this franchise: “And Jacob gets fucked instead.”

Colin:

A remarkably simple shot. Despite Kristen’s general lack of emotion, I can get on board with this.

Holy shit, you’re right. This is pretty ~~great~~ okay.

She actually kind of looks like she’s standing in front of a chalkboard, trying to teach a bunch of inner city youths. (Is there any other kind?)

Where was this guy during all the fighting?

This seems suspect that he’d randomly be around now just to fuck Jacob up.

Colin:

The way he’s human all of a sudden is like in The Blues Brothers when the crowd is cheering after Minnie the Moocher and it cuts back to Cab Calloway and the band, and their white tuxes are gone.

So glad they established the rules for that one, huh?

She runs better than Natalie Portman.

Colin:

Christopher Reeve runs better than Natalie Portman.

And he’s dead.

“Hey Forrest.”

“Oh, Bubba, nooo.”

(What’s funny is, I bet she actually says “Hey” here too.)

Why the fuck are you all running over now? You should have seen this shit minutes ago and come to help him.

Dicks.

Colin:

It’s funny to me how Lautner is the only one who bothered to get ripped. The rest of them were like, “….eh? I look Native American enough, right? I don’t need to be jacked as all hell.”

Colin:

Carlisle’s a doctor. Not that he’s ever at work.

“Does this hurt?”

“AHHHHHHHH!”

“Yeah… your arm’s totally fucked. What the fuck else did you expect me to do?”

Colin:

His bones are shattered? He’s still flexing his arm pretty tight.

Colin:

Can we talk about how their shorts and her shirt apparently morph WITH them?

Maybe she brought a spare in her wolf vag.

Colin:

Hey, maybe he’ll end up crippled like dad.

How awesome would it be if he had to have a little half wheelchair when he turned into a wolf?

A Wolfbarrow.

Honor him.

(And put on some fucking shirts, for christ’s sake.)

This is basically all they do. Walk around and say shit that amounts to nothing.

Colin:

We walk in slo-mo and wear clothes that nobody else would be caught dead in. Bitches.

They’re just standing there, as bodies are burning below them.

That’s how you do it.

Look at that fuck on the left, what the hell is he doing? Can you take that hood off any more gayer than that?

Colin:

I dunno. How about the guy on the right who’s only using the tips of his thumb and index finger? That’s cute. But yeah, the guy on the left is rather…yeah.

Jesus, he looks like Oscar Wilde, too.

Also, don’t these people remind you of a vampire Ginyu Force?

Colin:

this asshole on the left only has one leg thumbs up to get this asshole a leg

Thank you, Alice for… pointing out, that they’d be coming.

“It’s not often we’re rendered unnecessary.”

That’s funny, because she represents the church.

Colin:

“Necessary? What could BE more ‘necessary?'”

Been waiting a while to pull that one out. I’m glad one of us did.

What’s also funny — I haven’t seen a moment in this franchise where the Volturi are rendered necessary.

“If you’d arrived a half hour ago, you’d have fulfilled your purpose.”

That’s probably not a good reaction.

“You missed one.”

WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU STILL STANDING AROUND?!

“We offered her asylum in exhcange for her surrender.”

Colin:

Oh, they were gonna keep her in a cage.

That’s a fantastic line from this psycho bitch, though. “You missed one.” I enjoy Dakota.

Esme looks like Carla Gugino, and I approve.

“That wasn’t yours to offer.”

Why not, exactly? Did they not buy the house? Isn’t that how asylum works?

She is fucked.

Uhh… yeah… about that…

Colin:

Her windpipe looks like an invisible girl wearing a tankini.

It’s pretty funny how she’s being tortured and they’re all just standing there, not doing anything and not even turning to look.

“You don’t need to do that, she’ll tell you anything you want to know.”

“I know.”

Colin:

This bitch is crazy. She interests me, only I bet that if I’d gone to school with her, she’d have been the one wearing Tim Burton movie t-shirts and quoting V for Vendetta. So I don’t really like her. But I like Dakota.

She tells her.

Edward explains. Her name was Victoria. “Perhaps you knew her.”

And we all know they did and did nothing about it.

Colin:

That’s right. They knew the whole fucking time. That’s a bitch move, Santa.

And Carlisle’s like, “If the Volturi knew about Victoria, they’d have done something. (wink wink nudge nudge right off a fucking cliff) Ain’t that right, Jane?”

Colin:

This is how you know Carlisle’s a boss. He just mouths off at this psycho who can thought-rape him at any time.

“Of course.

“…Kill the bitch.”

“Give her a chance.”

“The Volturi don’t give second chances.”

She also mentions that Bella is still human.

Colin:

That’s fucked up, right there. You’re taking this shit from a couple of lame-os who live in Italy? How about you fuck them all up? Is that what Breaking Dawn is? It must be.

“Take care of that, Felix. I want to go home.”

Colin:

She needs to know you’re on the team, Felix. She needs to know you value your career.

And that’s the end of the movie.

Wait, there’s more?

That would have been sinister as shit.

This is like after Tom Robinson died.

Colin:

Actually, that’s probably only tied for the saddest time a cinematic black family learns of its patriarch’s death. It has to share the spot with the death of Robert Earl Jones in The Sting, cause remember how his wife lost it? And that music was so fucking sad.

He’s screaming like a motherfucker. They’re breaking his bones.

“He didn’t have to butt in, I could have taken—”

“Shut the fuck up, Leah.”

“The worst is over. He’ll be all right.”

Two things — there are two movies left. I doubt the worst is over.

Also — I really hope “He’ll be all right” is code for “I took his left arm off.”

“Thank you.”

Colin:

Now everyone’s friendly. Cause who wouldn’t like Carlisle?

I’ll tell you who.

Douchebags.

Peace.

“He’s asking for you.”

Considering they just broke a bunch of his bones and he’s delirious, I don’t know if that really matters.

Why did he need to have his bones broken and be told she was choosing Edward at the same time.

That’s actually adding insult to injury.

“Hey Jake.”

“Hey.”

Brilliant.

Colin:

Is that how you sound on morphine? I thought he’d be like, “Hay hay hay!”

That’s what I sound like on Monday.

I hope she Randle McMurphy’s him.

Because then it’ll be funny that the races are switched.

But yeah, they talk about shit. She says Edward wasn’t even mad at her or anything. And Jacob’s like, “Really? Well damn, he’s better than I thought.”

Colin:

For fuck’s sake. Are Edward and Jacob just gonna be in love with each other now? Cause they could save everyone the trouble and take Bella out of the equation.

“Bella, he’s not as perfect as you think.”

“I know who he is.”

Colin:

Let’s all pause and reflect on how this entire James-Victoria evil plotline that we’re at right now began with her participating in a baseball game with the Cullens two movies ago.

Fuck you, Sandy Koufax.

“Well at least I did everything I could. Wasn’t easy making you admit your feelings for me.”

Colin:

I’m gonna be over here not listening to any of the dialogue in this scene. I know they’re saying stuff, but I’m typing this and not even pausing because I’m not going to have anything to say about what they’re talking about other than…”Seriously? Seriously, right now?” I’ve missed the last minute or two of this movie while typing this, and it’s been therapeutic. Oh, looks like she’s leaving. I can pay attention again, I guess.

“You’re exactly right for me, Bella. It would be as easy as breathing with me.”

Knowing who this chick is — I highly doubt breathing comes easily for her.

Knowing her, she’d inhale a pack of yellow jackets.

“You know I love you.”

“You know how much I wish it was enough.”

One more for the road.

“Forrest — I wanna go home.”

“Should I come back?”

“I need some time. But I’ll always be waiting.”

Colin:

So does this mean she’s not going to college?

“Til my heart stops beating.”

“Maybe even then.”

“Oh, you nasty.”

I hope he’s a lefty.

What is this, Return of the King?

Colin:

I know what you’re getting at, but this AIN’T no iguana Return of the King.

She wants to do it on August 13^th.

The wedding, that is.

Colin:

Shit, it’s a conversation between her and Edward now. I think I need to zone out again.

“There’s no rush.”

What? There’s no Rush? Fuck that.

“I’ve chosen my life. I wanna start living it.”

So you’re saying, in order to get busy living, you’re gonna get busy… dying.

“And so you’re gonna let Alice plan the whole thing?”

Yeah she is!

“Does it matter?”

“I just don’t know why you’re doing this.”

“What? The wedding?”

“Trying to make everyone else happy. You’re already giving away too much.”

“You’re wrong.”

“This wasn’t a choice. Between you and Jacob. It was between who I should be and who I am. I’ve always felt out of step. Like, literally stumbling through my life. I’ve never felt normal. Because I’m not normal. I don’t wanna be.”

Colin:

Is she really doing the whole, “I’ve never felt normal” thing right now? Well, if at this point, at the end of the THIRD movie, you feel the need to sink your claws deeper into the teenage female psyche, be my guest. This whole monologue is screaming at girls from 13-19: IDENTIFY WITH ME! BUY SHIT ASSOCIATED WITH ME! I’M ANGSTY LIKE YOU!

“I’ve had to face death. And loss. And pain. In your world. But I’ve also never felt stronger. More real. More myself. Because it’s my world too. It’s where I belong.”

Colin:

You couldn’t find bullshit like this on a cattle ranch.

“So it’s not just about me.”

“No, sorry.”

What a surprise. It’s about HER.

“I wanna do it right. And I wanna tie myself to you, in every way humanly possible.”

Wow, this really is horse shit. Nothing she said makes ANY fucking sense at all.

“Starting with a wedding?”

Colin:

Think her lips still smell and taste like wet dog? Cause that’s gross.

“Actually, something a little more difficult first. And maybe even dangerous.”

Colin:

I thought she was gonna try and fuck him again. That’d have been nice.

“We have to tell Charlie.”

They should have just cut to it.

“That’s highly dangerous.”

“It’s a good thing you’re bulletproof.”

Colin:

Yeah, how are they gonna tell her dad? Cause they can’t tell her dad about the vampire thing, right? And she’ll basically have to be “dead,” won’t she? Or is Charlie now in on everything? But nobody else will be? What about mom? What about mom’s husband? You’re not seriously thinking of sharing this secret with a MINOR LEAGUER, are you?

Bulletproof… I’m really still waiting for that fire to come.