Fun with Franchises: The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011), Part V — “You Know You Can’t Jizz on a Baby, Right?”

Today we continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, The Twilight Saga. Today is Breaking Dawn Part 1, Part V.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin (whose blog is TokyoRemix.com. Fuck yeah, promotion!), who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Twilight franchise, and today is the fifth and final part of Breaking Dawn Part 1:

We begin Part V…

Honestly, I don’t even know anymore. I just want to start drinking.

Colin:

Hah. You haven’t even STARTED yet?

Again, with the arms. Will they ever figure that out?

I hate her so much. She’s the most useless character in the history of useless characters.

She’s gonna name it, if it’s a boy (now “if” it’s a boy?) —

Colin:

What’re we all getting excited about here? Oh. Baby names. Name it Optimus Prime and let us be done with it.

EJ, for Edward Jacob.

Colin:

Edward Jacob? EJ? What the fuck is this, Harry Potter? Why must these teen novelists feel the need to name every new child with a combination of names of characters we already know? That Harry Potter epilogue was awful. “Albus Severus Potter.” Oh, eat a dick.

And if it’s a girl –

“I was playing around with our mom’s names.”

Oh no.

“Renee and Esme.”

There is no good name that can come of this.

Renesmee.

Jesus.

Smee is in the name.

Colin:

Wait wait wait, so with the first name, it’s EJ, cause she kept the names separate. But with the girl’s name, it’s RENESMEE? Wow, this is breaking new dawn ground for shitty.

I know that reaction. “Great!” as you’re trying not to laugh at how stupid it is.

Colin:

The eyebrow is indeed up. “Well…that’s…those are sounds put together in a row.”

Scratch “trying.”

“Too weird?”

Colin:

Lautner, this is your Oscar scene. 

It’s funny to me that he can grow facial hair.

Reaction shots.

“No, that’s not too weird.”

Yes it is. Why must it be a combination of those names? Why not a different name?

“It’s beautiful, and it’s unique.”

It’s neither.

Colin:

Are you noticing that as we’ve progressed through this franchise, we’ve stopped analyzing shit and Mike has now been reduced to flat denials? The movie’s like, “Some stuff!” and then Mike goes, “…you’re wrong.”

“It certainly fits the situation.”

Why’s that? Neither mother does anything ever.

– – – – – –

UNLIMITED POWER BREAK!

– – – – – –

Uh oh.

You can hear the Curb them playing in her head right now.

BLOOD BANANA PEEL!

Colin:

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA she was gonna try to have ninja skills and catch this cup of blood while in this condition? Funny. Shouldn’t Edward have used super speed and caught it? Now her back’s probably broken and I’m doubting she can feel her legs.

ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?

Did she really break her back on that?

Colin:

That really was the straw (and to-go cup of blood) that broke this reverse camel’s back.

MILLION DOLLAR VAMPIRE BABY!

That’s probably what those sheets looked like.

Reaction shots.

Way to do something, buddy.

Best shot in the movie.

Especially since you can SEE the thing she’s wearing move like Igor in Young Frankenstein.

Colin:

This shot makes you wanna put Sandstorm on.

Colin:

Ahahahaha oh god this is hilarious!

But actually. This is legitimately hilarious.

I hope this ends like Million Dollar Vampire Baby.

Or at least have him fuck her while she’s pregnant.

Because you know what they say… mo cuishle for the pushin’.

Colin:

This shot HAS to make it onto our shots list. Look at this. 

EWW WITH THE FUCKING LEGS SERIOUSLY GUYS THIS ISN’T NORMAL

This is the What That Smell Like face.

I like how they’re all amazed at how ridiculous this whole situation is.

Well, at least his super speed is good for something.

Colin:

Yeah, like catching the blood as IT was falling to the ground? 

CHESTBURSTER!

PLEASE LET THERE BE A CHESTBURSTER RIGHT NOW

Oh shit, they gotta operate without Carlisle.

Colin:

Is this gonna be like that Bollywood movie 3 Idiots? They’re under serious pressure and lack the proper equipment and have to deliver the baby immediately? And there’s a lot of dancing?

Actually, I’m still holding out for the Seventh Seal ending.

Yeah, pump her full of that good stuff.

Though, honestly, you wouldn’t be able to tell the difference in her reaction with it or without it.

You guys remember that Gandalf face I told you to remember from Return of the King?

I like that Carlisle brought a cell phone will hunting.

I love that. Rosalie’s ready to cut this bitch open.

Colin:

Rosalie’s just gonna carve her up like a turkey. We’ve all been waiting for this. I bet this one’s nothing but white meat.

Good thing we had that scene earlier explaining about the hi-tech self-surgery machine, right?

Colin:

I really do hate how everything has to be so obvious these days.

“Get him out! Now!”

Oh damn. Shit just got good.

Colin:

Not unless they blow it out an air lock.

Isn’t that what her vagina is called? The Air Lock?

Colin:

Okay, so now he’s going down on her to cut her open. Which…okay. She’s gonna have some kinda C-section scar.

Isn’t this technically a V-section?

THAT’S AWESOME.

CUT THIS BITCH!

What that smell like?

She looked at the blood and he tackled her.

This is like a Three Stooges sketch.

He can’t change her until the baby’s out.

Colin:

Why? The baby seems like demon spawn anyway. It’s sucking the life out of her as it is — you mean to tell me it needs for her to be alive to continue feasting on her? Is this some shit like pulling the plug while you’re in the Matrix? Kristen Stewart’s womb is the Matrix. And this child needs to get free for one reason or another. 

She really does have The Monster.

Attractive face.

(But seriously, though.)

(Or, actually…)

I find the best shots of things.

Colin:

There should be an award for this. Look at that. You know when you Google Image Search a movie looking for a PRECISE shot of something? This is where those shots are now coming from. Cause you can only trust yourself to come up with it.

I was looking for a particular shot from The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance, so I Google Image Searched it and turned up nothing for the first two pages or so. On the third page, I found EXACTLY the shot I wanted in a relatively high resolution. So I clicked it to go to the page, and it was my own goddamn blog entry from like two years earlier. I’d forgotten I did it and randomly found myself on Google. What can I say? Real recognize real.

Oh, he did it.

I wish they’d have shown him biting her vagina, though.

She looks like Rocky in the 10th round.

Look at this image. Picture her not having hair on top of her head.

Gollum, right?

Colin:

Seeing these as isolated images, I like what they did here. The simplicity of the background, and just colors. 

And Kristen Stewart dying?

Colin:

With these nasty cheekbones and that pose, she looks like this dude.

This shot. Look at that. Her insides are just splayed out on the table.

Who sews her back up?

Pretty funny that she just gave birth in that room with all the books.

Where people can just see inside.

Aren’t Seth and Leah out there?

That might have actually been four months, three weeks and two days.

“Luke… Leia.”

Colin:

Ew. Ew. Aw, that’s gross. Babies covered in blood are kinda gross.

Renesmee.

Colin:

It’s RENESMEE? Shit. Now I’ve got another movie to hear that name. Goddamn it.

“Beautiful.”

Really? Because she’s covered in blood.

Also, do you feed that baby blood bottles?

And, if she throws up, is it blood? That would be pretty disgusting, if the baby was being babysat by Charlie and started spitting up blood and he didn’t know the real reason why.

Colin:

I need to see that.

Out of context screenshots.

Apparently the baby bit her.

Oh, good. Now she’s dying.

Colin:

Now Bella has to die a little bit so we can all be nervous. Not that I give a shit. We’ve got another movie to go, so I wouldn’t really be concerned even if I WAS into Twilight. That’s the problem with franchises, isn’t it?

Well, at least you get to do that one last time.

Leo’s gonna flip the fuck out if he sees this.

Colin:

And a bucket?

“I’ll take her.”

Yes, because that’s safe.

Colin:

Rosalie’s gonna lick this baby clean.

NO PREGNANT WOMAN’S LEGS LOOK LIKE THAT WHY THE FUCK DID YOU THINK PEOPLE WOULD GO ALONG WITH THIS

Colin:

You do get that she was getting skinnier everywhere else cause it’s a vampire hybrid baby and was sucking the life out of her, right?

What if another baby shot out of there right now?

Oh, they’re gonna Uma her.

Colin:

Wait, is he gonna Mia Wallace this ho?

Wouldn’t it be great if not only did it not work, but blood started pouring out of the wound?

Apparently it’s his venom.

Was he just keeping it aside for just such an event?

Colin:

Oh, it’s his venom. How’d he get it out? Have they been collecting it for a long time to put in that needle? That’s a lot of venom. Kinda looks like unicorn spunk.

Did he literally just inject himself with the needle, pull out the venom, and just leave it there? Wouldn’t you do that in the room? How long does venom last?

Why not just bite her like a normal person?

Colin:

How obvious is it that he’s not pumping her chest? The way it depresses, it’s clearly a pillow or something.

He got his hand on her titties.

Oh, please don’t do the standard waking up from being dead thing.

Colin:

Anyone for Mickey-D’s?

Bitch, You Just Got Stabbed

That’s right. Push those titties.

Jacob says he’s not gonna kill him. He’s gonna make him live with this.

Colin:

We still have time and the baby was born. Shouldn’t there still be a fight?

Reaction shots.

Colin:

This is like the cute back to Slate dead on the terrace as Bond’s cleaning himself up in the hotel room in Port Au Prince. 

And a bucket.

Wolf time.

Oh, apparently not.

I guess he’s running out of clothes.

Whoa, he’s crying.

“She didn’t make it.”

Thank you, Legolas.

I actually like this. Character-wise.

For whatever that’s worth.

Colin:

Jake goes outside to sob like an asshole. Which is allowed, even though he’s crying for someone who doesn’t deserve it.

Colin:

Ah, is this the fight arriving? Once again playing with focus in a stationary shot. Is this Twilight walking and chewing gum at the same time? I guess it took an Oscar-winning cinematographer.

Can’t you just kill them right now?

“Soon.”

General Grievous’ eyes looked more human.

Colin:

Hey, we did sorta see her organ sac burst!

I like how you can just see all this happening if you’re standing outside.

What would someone think if they were out walking their dog or something, and they saw this?

I like how he keeps screaming “COME ON!”

It’s very entertaining to me.

Colin:

“C’mon! C’mon!” I’m trying to figure out who he sounds like, but it’s hilarious.

But isn’t this the opposite of what you’re supposed to do? Aren’t you trying to make it so her heart doesn’t beat?

Colin:

Nah, cause she hasn’t to be alive for the venom to take, right? She has to be alive the whole time and then it’ll just happen. You can’t kill her, or else it doesn’t work. That’s why all the ones who get “eaten” — they get “eaten” like Nick Charles’ dinner gets “eaten” — don’t wind up vampires. They die before the change happens.

How come she’s dying, again? It doesn’t look like loss of blood.

Maybe because she’s a cunt.

I could believe that.

There are really only two endings to this scenario. Either someone pulls him away and says, “It’s over. She’s gone,” and then she’s really gone, or no one does and he keeps going until she’s alive.

Personally I’m kind of hoping for the second one, but only after like, eleven hours. Just him constantly doing this for like, a day, and then her waking up.

Of course, there is the double scenario, where they pull him away and then she wakes up just as they do, so everyone gets the look of wonderment.

Now he bites her.

That’s not very sexy.

Colin:

Just…MORE venom? Is that how it works? She’s gonna be some kinda vampire.

That is true. He injected her and he’s biting the shit out of her.

Can you OD on venom?

Also, didn’t they say that being turned is painful as shit? Is he only making it worse for her?

Look at all those bumps on his face.

Yes. Bite her everywhere.

Also — totally looks like she’s been pregnant.

Totally.

Maybe if you did that while you were on your honeymoon, we wouldn’t have this problem.

Now you’re just eating a corpse, buddy.

Keep going. Seems like it’s going well.

Eww. She’s got placenta on her hand.

“I think I wanna bite her again.”

Just like House.

Colin:

That’s the IVIG going to work. They think it’s Guillan-Barre, but it’s actually Addison’s (they didn’t catch the hyper pigmentation cause Bella’s basically an albino), which is about to go into overdrive with this treatment. They’re going to realize in a few minutes that her massively strong immune system was only masked on the tests because of the Interferon they gave her when they thought it was early-onset MS. House has a quip about Interferon interfering. Chase is developing a drinking problem, and Foreman’s trying to keep his mother’s dementia under wraps. I just wrote an episode of House. And it was better than this movie.

THIS HEART IS COLD!!!

Colin:

House did this better, I think. I know they did this too, but look at these images. Is the inside of the human body just a bunch of individual red, sinewy strings suspended in a sea of red gel?

Did she just get a dart in her fucking neck?

Wouldn’t you be grabbing all the places he bit?

That’s the look you have when you realize you’re about to die.

You might wanna get that cleaned.

You got shit in your soul.

These clotting shots are amazing.

The cutting back and forth stuff is creepy.

Is Edward just watching her do this?

HA HA imagine if she was in pain and then died anyway.

Then she’d get what she deserves

“Come back to me please, baby.”

Did you not see all the writhing?

What’s with the cap vagina fingers?

Is that what you do when your wife is dead?

Why don’t you draw dicks on her? Then she can wake up as a vampire and be like, “Who drew all these dicks all over my face?”

Like Home Alone — “What did you do to my room?!”

If that was the last scene of the movie, I’d give it 5 stars.

Colin:

What’d I tell you? She licked this baby clean. Had to get in a little kiss cause she still sorta tastes like blood.

I like to think that she slowly bathed it with a washcloth and spelled the word quarantine to it.

Is he still crying? Should we call the wahhmbulance?

Or dial 911 and get that Tubro back here?

Oh, I know that look.

He’s about to go murder something.

And they’re gonna go kill Jacob.

Colin:

He’s got a pile of wood just like Edoras.

That’s a good way to say someone has a boner.

Wheels begs them not to, but apparently the tribe has spoken.

Colin:

So they’re telling Billy they’re gonna kill Jacob? Is Jacob descended from the chief through Billy’s side? Was it Billy’s pappy? Does Billy have authority, or does the chair ruin all that? What’s with the chair?

Colin:

“OH my god, Sam, you smell INCREDIBLE. Is that Axe Bodyspray? Mmmm you’re wearing Dimension today, aren’t you? I like Pulse, but I’m fine if you want to save that for our alone time.”

“Terry, so help me, the next time you sniff my neck in front of the pack, you can cuddle by yourself for a week.”

Colin:

“Gay.”

Colin:

“Don’t judge us. You don’t even work from the waist down.”

“Bella’s dead.”

So… what? So now they’re just gonna kill the kid?

Colin:

“We’re running off now to do things that matter!”

That’s weird that they just cut to Edward alone with a body like that.

Is this gonna end like this?

Ha ha ha. He’s gonna kill it.

Colin:

We’re playing with shadows, now. Okay, that’s something I can enjoy.

Carlisle’s due back any second now, isn’t he?

Also, remember how Edward can read your thoughts?

And Alice can read the future?

Where is Alice, by the way? Did she and Jasper go off to fuck to take his mind off the blood?

I would actually like to see Taylor Lautner kill a child.

Of course he can’t do it.

She has her mother’s eyes, right?

He’s gonna imprint on her.

This is some weird, Being John Malkovich shit.

Colin:

Wait, is this the imprinting thing from one of the earlier films? Is that why I feel like I’ve heard this before? And that’s her when she’s grown up? Why does he feel like he needs to imprint on her now? You know you can’t jizz on a baby, right?

And we get some stupid voiceover, reminding us of what imprinting is. Just in case we didn’t know what the fuck was happening.

Because otherwise, we’d have assumed acid flashback.

Colin:

Did you guys ever wish that DMX had done a remix about himself as a cosmonaut? “Y’all gon’ make me lose my mind! / Up in Mir! Up in Mir!”

Unrelated, but…yeah.

And once again, life says a big “fuck you” to Leah.

Perfect timing, too.

“OPTIMUS!”

Yes, you kiss that corpse, Norman.

Oh, I get it. She’s gonna stop the fight like Children of Men. They’re gonna be like, “What? She’s alive?”

Colin:

So the wolves are here. I guess I correctly predicted how this movie was gonna go. Bully for me.

“We’re outnumbered.”

“By a lot.”

“I won’t let them hurt my family.”

Well, the one part of your family you really care about is presumably dead. So…

Colin:

What’s that about? That’s something you say before you go Super Saiyan 2. Is he gonna go SS2 and fuck up all the wolves? But Carlisle, Esme and Emmett are still gone, which means they’re gonna have to show up in a minute when things are looking bad. And they’ve got the magic juice or whatever, so they can fuck people up. Watch. That’s how this shit’s going down.

Wow, Alice just got fucked up.

Colin:

Just knock his teeth out.

Of course they’re back.

Colin:

I need to stop predicting things because they come true. My next prediction is that Bella DOES die and there’s no Part 2. And that someone will accidentally deliver a pizza to my apartment this afternoon.

Watching vampires fight wolves is actually pretty boring, all things considered. Because you’re watching one set of people with supernatural abilities fight other people with supernatural abilities.

It’s kind of like watching superheroes fight. There’s not really anything interesting there, because they’re not human and they have abilities greater than yours. So after the initial — whatever — it’s just monotonous. That’s why I didn’t like The Avengers. Who gives a fuck if Thor is fighting Captain America? One’s a Norse god, the other is a dude who went through some chemical process to give him super strength. And they’re just hitting each other. And people freak out like it’s some sort of amazing thing.

The only reason any of this is ever interesting is when it’s character-related. Or if someone does something awesome. For example:

Emmett with the drop kick!

AND THE PUNCH TO THE FACE!

Colin:

Emmett just punched a wolf in the face! That was for you, Big Love.

Seth and Leah.

Colin:

Now Leah and Seth are here to help, as though the vampires will be able to tell who’s who.

What if Seth and Leah imprinted on each other?

Alice is about to get wolf-raped.

Not on this day!

What if Leah imprinted on Alice?

Oooh… yeah… that would be nice.

Jasper would be one happy man, I’ll tell you that.

That’s great. He lured it up a tree and punched it in the face.

Emmett is the best fighter of this family.

Colin:

Emmett’s like, “TOO FAST!”

Y’all are surrounded.

Time for Jacob.

Look at this fucking shot.

“Stop!”

No, don’t stop. Fight. I want to see you imprint hulk out on them.

“If you kill her, you kill me.”

It’s treason, then.

Colin:

They should have had a Palpatine in Twilight. Not the actual Palpatine, cause I couldn’t bear it. But a real evil mastermind. And don’t tell me Aro. Aro may be a relatively cool character within this franchise, but Palpatine has dookie stains that I’d be more interested in watching.

Wow, but no joke, that was the Palpatine move.

What if his clothes were super elastic and stretched with him and he landed wearing the clothes still? How funny would that look? I bet that’d be super embarrassing in front of the other wolves.

Or what if he fucked up in midair and transformed and ended up falling and breaking a leg?

Bella would do that if she was a wolf.

One on one. Here we go.

Colin:

Jacob is now much bigger than the rest of the wolves. I guess it wasn’t a camera thing, he really did get bigger. If you work out in your human body, do you get buff in your wolf body?

Wolf fight!

“Jacob imprinted. They can’t hurt her.”

Colin:

Jacob! I told you you can’t jizz on a baby! What the HELL man?!

Whoever a wolf imprints on can’t be harmed.

Well that was anticlimactic.

“It’s their most absolute law.”

Colin:

Oh, appealing to tribal law. That’s how you can tell that this whole wolf pack thing is bullshit. All he had to do was jizz on some baby and they call off the whole thing.

Just like Fred and Ginger.

Nice moment.

In a giant, huge, shitty moment.

It seems like every one of these movies is working toward building to a giant non-entity.

“Something’s gonna happen!” Psych! Nothing’s gonna happen. It’s cool. It’s really all about not fucking and religion.”

Colin:

Hey, good shot. Colors. We like colors.

The red sun rises. Blood has been spilled this night.

Did he just close her eyes?

Where did all that blood come from, again? Is that the same water they washed the baby in?

You guys remember Cabin Fever?

EWWWW! Look at her fucking chest bones!

Aww… a funeral/vampire dress.

Colin:

So she is alive. She just needs 842 cheeseburgers. I really hope Kristen Stewart didn’t lose this weight for this movie. Cause that’s gross.

So… he put that dress on her while she was still laying here.

And the windows have been open all night.

So… she’s been laying here naked with anyone able to look in on her.

Did Edward not think about this?

You’re gonna have bite marks all over yourself forever now.

Colin:

This venom sure does give L’Oreal a run for its money.

But she’s not worth it.

Colin:

That…isn’t how a rib cage should look. 

Ribbed for her pleasure. EWWWWWW!!!

Montage.

Colin:

As I watch this flashback, I realize…it’s covering pretty much all the important parts of the plot without including any of the stupid dialogue. If someone had told me about this flashback sequence, I could have spared myself almost four whole movies.

They brought back the Twilight theme.

Which I guess is Bella’s theme.

Of course they had to include the creepy sex looks.

PLEASE HAVE THIS END ON A DEER’S ASSHOLE

Colin:

Aw, all the way back to young Charlie when Bella was just born. Don’t know who the lady is.

That looks like what Kristen Stewart is gonna look like in twenty years.

It’s creepy as shit.

It’s actually kind of like if she had her face ripped off in a horrible accident and they put a Bruce Jenner face on top of it.

Colin:

Makes you think, doesn’t it? 

That if it weren’t for Edward, she’d still be worthless, but she’d be worthless in Alastic.

Elaksa?

What was the name of that place, again?

Pretty sure the Alaska thing was her way of being like, “Edward and I are going to some place where there’s no sun,” and was her way of masking the transformation thing.

Colin:

Instead, she’ll be a vampire in Washington. Which almost makes her sleepless in Seattle.

Did Alice just have a vision of that or something?

Is she watching this?

What exactly is going on right now?

The spatial relations of everyone for the last thirty minutes have been really poorly explained.

From the looks of it, Jacob is looking at Bella, and Edward is looking at Jacob, reading his thoughts, which tell him that Bella is about to wake up.

(Which — after the fact… completely contradicts, almost, what we see in the next movie.)

Colin:

Well, vampires don’t sleep, so now that she’s one of them, shouldn’t she get up?

Now there’s a final shot.

Not anywhere near as good as the ones I suggested.

So I disapprove.

Colin:

Okay, we’re finally finished. I can’t believe how much of a non-movie that was. Still, I don’t like the ending. I would have showered this movie in stars if she’d woken up, turned to Edward and gone, “NOW will you fuck me?”

That would have been GREAT.

Colin:

Stephenie Meyer produced this? I guess she’s only produced this and the next one. Oh boy.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow are our favorite images, Sunday is final thoughts, and Monday we start Breaking Dawn Part 2.

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

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