Fun with Franchises: The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 (2011), Part V — “Why Haven’t They All Died in a Fire?”

Today we continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, The Twilight Saga. Today is Breaking Dawn Part 2. Part V.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin (whose blog is TokyoRemix.com. Fuck yeah, promotion!), who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Twilight franchise, and today is the fifth and final part of Breaking Dawn Part 2:

We begin Part V in the anticlimax.

They actually showed us twenty minutes of fighting and then said, “Nope. Didn’t happen.”

Now, if they end this at, “Well, let’s go,” and everyone just leaves and that’s it – and it’s a big fuck you – then I’ll be happy. But they won’t. They’ll treat it like something is gained and wrap everything up like it’s this big franchise-ender. And it won’t be okay.

But on the other hand — at least they’re consistent.

Colin:

A HA HA He’s upset because he won’t get to die.

“Now you know. That’s your future.”

The child still poses a threat.

Colin:

Blond guy really needs to shut the fuck up and stop trying to interrupt. You didn’t hit the baby hand. Aro did. You don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.

But what if she won’t be seen by humans?

Well yeah, but there’s no way of knowing that.

“Actually, it can.”

Colin:

It can be known? Are they going into outer space?

I hope it’s Chief Dan George.

Colin:

Ah, okay, some Native Americans are here, it seems? Aerial shots of a snowscape are always welcome.

Also… what took them so long to show up? Were they just waiting in the forest for the right time? Was it on Alice’s signal? Weird that he had all that time to see that vision and then the dude waltzes out. If he had waltzed out sooner, maybe we wouldn’t have needed the vision.

It’s like in wrestling, when the good guy is getting his ass beat by bad guys, and then another guy comes out to help. He could have been out there like three minutes earlier, but instead he let the other guy get the shit beat out of him.

She’s been getting some witnesses of her own.

From Brazil.

Colin:

Would you SHUT THE FUCK UP, dude? What’s your name? Caius? You see that? That’s how much you’ve pissed me off with your annoying interruptions. I went to look up your fucking name to tell you to shut up.

I Went to Look Up Your Fucking Name to Tell You to Shut Up

He’s half-human.

Colin:

Ah, he’s the precedent.

Of what? The rainforest? How do you get elected that?

“… go on.”

That’s his aunt. She raised him. He made her a vampire.

Colin:

Damn, I’d like a pass at that aunt of his. Played by someone called Marisa Quinn, apparently. She’s WAY better looking than all the blonde women in this franchise.

Her head is Arnold’s, only sideways.

He’s 150 years old.

Colin:

Oh, so he’s an old dude. Which might explain the get-up. But that’ll relieve her about Renesmee.

He became full grown seven years after his birth.

Colin:

So when she’s 7, she’ll be full-grown. Jacob’s gotta wait. But that’s another six and a half years, no? She’s gonna have to slow down a bit.

So that means he’ll still be fucking a seven year old.

Also, what ever happened with those fake passports? And what about all that money? Don’t Edward and Bella have to have a talk now about, “… so, where’d you get all them stacks of hundies you were gonna give our four-month old to run off with?”

“And your diet?”

“Straight PCP, baby.”

Blood and human food. Either one.

(Why would you not choose food?)

(Also — is blood a juice cleanse for this guy?)

Old fucker’s like, “Damn… these motherfuckers is like us.” And the other guy’s like, “They’ve still been hanging out with werewolves.”

Colin:

The dude who wanted to be twisted to death has a voice that makes me want to twist him to death.

He’s not interested in dying today.

Which brings me to another question – you think vampires will start fucking humans now?

Seems like something they’d do. Fuck a lot of humans, let the Native Americans die out, and then you have near-immortal half-breeds running around, and you raise humans as blood mules.

This is a much more interesting franchise than the one I just watched.

Not to mention — Renesmee is gonna fuck Jacob once she’s older, right? That’s how this jizzing thing works, isn’t it? So how does that work? Can she turn him? Aren’t they “natural” enemies?

Colin:

Their child would be part vampire AND have the werewolf gene.

So a wolf with fangs that can feed on shit.

I’m sure that’ll end well.

Especially since the wolves only phase (apparently) when vampires are around or when they’re in moments of extreme anger.

Yeah… that’ll end well.

“There is no danger here.”

A HA HA they just negated an entire movie.

“We will not fight today.”

Thanks, Pocahontas.

Colin:

Caius, what the FUCK did I say?

I like that look. That, “Oh I saw how much you wanted to die motherfucker. This isn’t over,” look.

Colin:

Which, now that Michael Sheen has seen all this shit that went down in that possible future, wouldn’t he turn to his homey and be like, “You WANTED to die all this time, man? We gotta have a talk.”

Colin:

Wait…what? This is like when the Rebel Fleet jumps to hyperspace at the same time. This is even faster than they move in the battle. They’re inconsistent with this shit. This is like Dragonball Z levels of speed inconsistency.

“Such a prize.”

So… are they just going back to the airport, or…?

These fuckers still want to attack.

They say the Volturi will never forgive what happened here.

Colin:

War mongerers. “That’s a jingo!”

Carlisle don’t give a fuck.

Colin:

Now we spend a minute cutting to everyone. Cause there are like 200 characters and we need to see each one of them happy.

But not Alice, apparently.

OH YEAH TWO SISTERS AT ONCE

Lesbian vampire shit?

Colin:

There’s plenty of time for an epilogue. Are they not gonna have a party on Endor or cut to everyone on Platform 9 ¾? Did everyone hang out til spring, then?

And that’s the … end of the franchise?

Of course not.

Bella’s gotta get pregnant again.

Colin:

They actually did stick around til spring?

Here’s my question — why haven’t they all died in a fire?

“She’s gonna be around for a long time, isn’t she?”

“A very long time.”

Colin:

This is gonna be where Edward and Jacob make up after all this time?

“I’m glad she has you.”

I can’t wait to see what it’s like when her first boyfriend comes over to the house.

“Should I start calling you dad?”

Colin:

I bet Meyer thought this would be hilarious. I find many things funny, Stephenie. Pedophilia isn’t one of them.

Touché.

… would be a really funny name for a pederast bar.

“No.”

“Hey.”

WHY IS THAT YOUR ONLY WORD

Why is that your thing? Do you really just want to see the inside of your uterus again?

Colin:

She doesn’t speak? She just touches people’s faces? Should have called her Helen.

Vision.

Colin:

Wait, so Edward’s 17, Bella’s 18, but Jacob will have continued aging. So in terms of maturity, he’s the most mature here, cause this is when Renesmee’s grown up. So 5 years from now, at least? So Jacob’s like 25. And Renesmee is young, but her maturity is now on par with her parents’. Isn’t that weird? In terms of knowledge and shit, she’s younger, but in terms of maturity, they’re on the same level.

Colin:

Aw, so Alice sees the future where they’re all together and happy, and then Edward can see it too. Psh. Cheating.

Fun fact: Alice is one of the last five characters we see in this franchise.

Considering three of the four were already locked, that’s an accomplishment.

And a testament to how fucking awesome she is.

And that’s the end of the franchise!

Oh, for fuck’s…

Colin:

This movie’s gonna end 18 times, isn’t it? Where are the eagles?

Is it Charlie? Are we gonna go back to Charlie? What actually happens to Charlie? And why haven’t we seen her mother at all? How are they gonna explain that one to her?

Colin:

Mom doesn’t matter. 

Oh, of course… gotta end in this field.

Colin:

Chillin in that glade, as they do. It’s spring, so that’s like…two years since they met? Spring of junior year, and this is spring of what would have been their freshman year of college? They’ve been together for two years. I’ve been with girls for longer than that. They have an EIGHT YEAR OLD. What the fuck is this series?

They Have an EIGHT YEAR OLD. What The Fuck Is This Series?

“I wanna show you something.”

(“Wanna see something really scary?”)

A HA HA HA THIS SUPERIMPOSITION IS AMAZING

WHY WOULD YOU REMIND ME OF THAT MOVIE?!!!

Return of the sex looks.

Boobies.

Picture all the teenage girls that are crying right now.

ARE WE REALLY GETTING A MONTAGE OF ALL THE FUCKING MOVIES?!!

Colin:

Watch out, guys. It’s the shittiest hits edition.

A HA HA THEY SKIPPED OVER ECLIPSE

I would too.

What’s funny is, I can see in here parts of this where I would have actually given a shit.

Too bad.

“How did you do that?”

“Final Cut Pro.”

“Now you know. Nobody’s ever loved anyone as much as I love you.”

Colin:

“Nobody’s ever loved anyone as much as never mind I can’t bring myself to repeat this dialogue cause it hurts me that someone wrote it and made money.

I was gonna post some sort of picture or sound effect or gif implying bodily harm upon myself because of how awful that line of dialogue was and how completely unearned it was, but I feel morally obligated to tell everyone that the woman who wrote the screenplays for this franchise also wrote for Dexter.

“There’s one exception.”

Who was the exception?

Was it Dolly Madison? I really hope it was Dolly Madison.

“Can you show me again?”

“We’ve got a lot of time.”

All the time in the world? You might say?

(Wouldn’t THAT be an ending?)

“Forever.”

“Forever.”

(Hey, remember when I guessed that was gonna be the first line of the movie?)

Colin:

Back to kissing in the meadow. Stick to what you know.

Colin:

I do hate this music, too.

What the fuck is this about?

Bitch Cassidy and the Sunsparkle Kid.

You guys remember Fahrenheit 451?

Colin:

Wait, they end with the BOOK itself? I don’t think even JK Rowling had THAT much ego. “Yes, yes, just in case you forgot, this has all been courtesy of the words I wrote in a book that you clearly aren’t reading right now cause you’re watching the movie. So I figured we’d throw up a page or two so you could be reading the book and watching the movie at the same time.”

Why the fuck did he murmur it?

As in, these movies will now live on… forever.

Think about that.

– – – – – – – – – –

And, as some bonus content — here’s Colin’s reactions while watching the credits of this movie:

Colin:

It’s funny how they’re giving people their credits even though they didn’t do a single thing in the film.

Lee Pace was fun. I wish he’d gotten more. I wanted to see him going buck wild with a tomahawk or something. They DID call him a ‘patriot.’

Oh no. They’re giving EVERYONE credits? It’s like graduation all over again. In fact, the music and the black and white and the way that they come up one after another makes it feel like this is the In Memoriam reel at the Oscars. Is that what happened? Was the whole cast touring for the premiere and killed tragically in a group accident?

And way to go, tiny chick. Your credit reel is of you cowering. You did a great job.

Booboo Stewart I need a drink.

Aw, Harry. His kung fu was strong.

I love how this is the first time I’m learning any of their names except for Mike. Mike I remember because this is Mike’s blog, so that’s one less new name that I have to remember. But the other three were Anna Kendrick, glasses chick and Asian kid.

Dakota!

And the three ‘important’ people get their own pages. Cause this was a book, you guys.
THERE’S MORE CREDITS? The first five minutes were credits, then we just had the whole credits again, and now we’re getting a final 10 minutes of credits?

You guys, it’s over. I can’t feel my toes, but it’s over. No more Twilight. Probably ever. I don’t expect I’ll ever watch one of these ever again. There’s something nicely cathartic about that. I’m so glad this shit is over.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow is our favorite images, Sunday is final thoughts, and Monday — new franchise!

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

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