Fun with Franchises: Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone (2001), Part II — “Way to Say Slytherin Like an Asshole, Maggie Smith”

What better way to start Fun with Franchises than with the king of all franchises (that we haven’t done yet)? This is the highest grossing franchise of all time, and is without a doubt the main one I grew up with, so it made sense to start with it. Harry Potter is by far the one franchise that every single one of my friends and I could make jokes and references to and have everyone get those jokes and references. Plus it’s just great.

I had so much fun with the Disney films and later the Bond films, I thought, “Let’s just try this with everything else.” Essentially this is us just watching these movies that we can talk endlessly about because we grew up with them and just cracking jokes and asking all these logical questions. It’s all for fun and basically for parody. We do this because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Harry Potter franchise, and today is the second part of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone.

When last we left our story, Harry found out who killed his parents and had a train to catch. We resume as Harry is about to take the magical journey to the wonderful wizarding school (and horrible sexually-transmitted affliction) that is Hogwarts…

So Harry and Hagrid enter Kings Cross Station. Because a giant in rags and a young boy with an owl are totally something people won’t look twice at.

Platform 9¾ sounds like what you’d call your… actually, wouldn’t that be an awesome campaign platform?

Also, does this imply that Hogwarts students can’t board the train without a ticket? Will they get thrown off, Indy style, if they don’t have one? Could you scalp a ticket to a muggle friend? How does this ticket stuff work? Do the Hogwarts Express people really go and take tickets like Amtrak?

Does the Hogwarts Express make any other stops? What if you live like, really close to Hogwarts, but couldn’t really get there on your own? Do you have to go all the way to London just to go all the way back?

And perhaps, even more importantly, where can I get one of those tickets?

Unaccompanied minor. Way to go, Hagrid.

How does a giant who can’t really do magic disappear that quickly? Did he tally ho off that platform?

Also why wouldn’t you say goodbye to the kid?

I tried what’s about to happen in the New Haven train station once. A homeless man laughed at me.

When in doubt, follow the redheads.

Colin:

Somehow, that sounds like a line out of Hitler’s playbook. 

The Swastika Linings Playbook?

He’s gonna fuck that in six years.

Weird how it’s 9¾, not 9½. Because they’re going exactly between 9 and 10. Is there a conversion rate going on here? Or were we just avoiding the 9½ Weeks comparisons?

Speaking of which, there’s Ginny.

“Now you, Fred.”

What up, Julie Walters?

“He’s not Fred, I am!”

“Honestly woman… you call yourself our mother?”

That’s awesome.

“I’m only joking… I am Fred!”

You think she made that same joke when identifying the body?

Aww shit… Ron Weasley. Pretty big smile for someone without a soul.

“Good luck.”

Weird how he met his future wife while about to run through an invisible barrier at a train station.

Just like in Casablanca.

Colin:

This is weird to see now. Cause she turns out to be a SKANK. Note how not a single other person in this franchise dates around, but she gets with every guy at Hogwarts. There’s no nice way of putting it — she’s been scoured more times than Snape’s cauldron.

Which, who do you think takes care of abortions at Hogwarts? Madam Pomfrey? Or would there be a charm, or a potion? I guess there’s always those trick staircases…

The Morning After Potion.

Colin:

I love that we’re discussing wizarding abortions and that there are viable options from the books to be considered. 

I’d love if Madame Pomfrey were running a back alley abortion clinic in the Shrieking Shack, Vera Drake-style.

Colin:

What if the trimesters were designated, not as first, second and third, but instead as snitch, bludger, quaffle? And terminating a quaffle would be punishable by time in Azkaban. 

Now I’m picturing the mandatory sex-ed classes at Hogwarts.

This NEEDS to be turned into a TV series. I’d love to see them spend an episode with someone who thinks they’re pregnant and is worried about what to do all episode. Whispering between herbology classes about having missed a period and having their housemate glare at the douchebag responsible from across the breakfast table in the Great Hall.

Colin:

What’s a period called for them? Riding the cotton hippogriff?

Now I’m picturing the abortion scene. Madame Pomfrey trying to comfort her in the Shrieking Shack. Shot in an uncomfortably wide shot that never breaks and it’s just the most horrific thing in the world, because the wizarding world doesn’t just allow them to do it legally. I’d buy cable for that.

I would.

This actually looks like a toy up close.

I looked up why it has the numbers 5972 on it, and apparently that’s the kind of train this is. They just picked it out of a Welsh Scrapyard and it became one of the most famous trains ever.

Yeah, that’s right, Thomas, I said it.

Is there a Hogwarts local? Because I never see this taking stops. Which goes back to — what if you live like, right near Hogwarts? Do they make you go all the way into London just to take the train back, or can your parents like, drop you off at wizarding school?

“Mom, I said drop me off across the lake. This is so embarrassing!”

They must make a train set of this that you can buy, right? Otherwise they’re leaving a shitload of money on the table.

Colin:

Lionel Trains makes a set. Goes for about $250. No money is left on that table.

Not after buying that thing. But you know what is left on the table? My new Hogwarts train. Choo choo, motherfucker.

I can’t not think Buster Keaton no matter how hard I try. But it is weird to see something looking so artificial in the real world. It would be like if you took a middle-aged woman from Beverly Hills and put them in the middle of rural Nebraska.

Do they ever explain how long it takes for that train to reach Hogwarts? Or, you know… where the fuck Hogwarts actually is?

That window, while clearly green-screened, could be Monument Valley for all we know.

Which — WHY HAVE WE NEVER BEEN TOLD WHAT IT WAS LIKE FOR WIZARDS IN THE OLD WEST? The duels alone would be amazing.

Wandfight at the O.K. Corral.

Colin:

I remember the books saying that the train headed north (although, most things are north of London) and now that I check, apparently Hogwarts is in Scotland. Probably just around the corner from Skyfall.

You know who else is from Scotland? Cho Chang.

Screw you, Rowling.

Colin has… thoughts about what they did to Cho Chang. We’ll get to them in a later movie.

They have a candy trolley. That’s badass. Do the seventh-years get an open bar?

What do you think it would have been like going to Hogwarts in the 60s? “Cigarette, cigar?” Slapping the candy lady on the ass as she passes. Magic Mad Men.

Oh, but yeah — Ron’s too poor to afford anything and Harry pulls out some of his gold and makes it rain. What a way to shove your wealth in people’s faces.

“We’ll take the lot!” he says, which is funny, since does he even know the wizard exchange rate? Or is he just pulling out a wad of cash and being like, “You just take out whatever it is and give me the change.” Which, way to go. I’m sure she won’t charge you Idiot Tax. Candy ladies have children to feed too.

Also, after all these years of ‘we’ll take the lot’, I just realized I’d always assumed he’d meant ‘give us one of each’. But in reality, he could literally have just bought out her entire goddamn cart, leaving none for the rest of the kids. Way to be an asshole, dude. What if he was like, her third stop? And now some other kids in desperate need of candy now get nothing for the rest of the nine-hour ride?

Also a pertinent point — these kids are on a train for nine hours — I haven’t seen a lot of bagged lunches (and you know the Weasleys are a sack lunch family) — is candy the only fucking thing these kids are fed on the way to school? I know they’re on the way to a feast, but — nine hours. You gotta give them something? Is there not an actual food car or food cart? Or is the candy it?

(Also, I know they have feasts and what not, but I can’t stop picturing Hogwarts having Hot Lunch. Getting those Jamaican Patties on styrofoam trays with that little carton of milk. Maybe if you get luck you can get those little ice cream cups they make you eat with the little wooden spoon)

Which also begs the question — is the candy lady an independent contractor or does she work for the actual train line company or whatever this train is run on? Is this a private train run by the school? What kind of deal did that require with King’s Cross? But back to the candy lady — does that mean with the proper permits, I could have like, a taco cart on this train? New York dirty water hot dog cart? How did this lady get the only food job on this train? And, unrelated — are there Magical Teamsters?

Peter Pettigrew, you fat fuck.

It’s weird how he just somehow went to the poor family as a rat and simultaneously thought, “They’ll take in a rat,” and also, “No one’ll ever find me here.”

Magic or no magic, root canal is a bitch.

Also, way to ruin your appetite, guys. You’re going to a feast!

Not to mention, who has to clean up this train? I bet they hate these kids.

If this weren’t a magical society, I’d get into what race the cleaners of this train likely were and how fucked up that was. But… all things considered, magic society seems to not be based on race so much. No, they’re advanced. They base it on class, and they make fun of the poor redheaded fucks who keep breeding and have hand-me-down clothes.

The chocolate frogs have chocolate warts.

Are they nougat-filled?

But also, how can you eat that thing if it’s still moving like that?

Carefully?

Apparently these things have real fears of being eaten.

Really, why would you want to eat a chocolate insect that moves?

“I’m not going back there, man!”

“I have no regrets!”

Reminds me of that guy in The Bourne Identity who throws himself out the window.

Or, for you younger folks, Forky in Toy Story 4.

How long will that thing live in the wild? Is it gonna go feral like the flying car?

Presumably it’s not a real frog, just an animated piece of chocolate. How long does something like that last?

Fred gave Ron a spell to turn Scabbers yellow. (Don’t think he needs much help there, that cowardly bastard.)

“Has anyone seen a toad? Oh…are you guys doing magic?”

She’s like, the Nick Charles of magic. (“Did she hear it… or smell it?”)

Colin:

That’s Hermione, isn’t it? That was a spell, wasn’t it? They’ll get together.

“She seems kind of annoying, but I’d hit it.”

“Yeah… I would.”

“Are you doing magic?”

“I love magic.”

“Oh yeah….”

“Yeah… go ahead. You do that magic.”

“Mmhmmm…”

“Do that shit REAL slow…”

(But also, doesn’t it remind you a bit of this scene?)

“Sunshine daisies, butter mellow, turn this stupid fat rat yellow.”

Of course Ron fucks it up.

Also, your entire family is magical — you grew up around magic — and you think that’s a real spell?

“Is that a real spell? Well, it’s not very good, is it?”

Look all smug now if you want, Hermione. In less than a decade, you’re gonna fuck that guy.

Colin:

Nutticum Busticus!

“Who the fuck was that?”

Your wife.

Oh shit, is this The Sting? Is Hermione putting a team together?

It’s almost like she just realized what’s gonna happen in ten years.

Harry knows what’s up.

You don’t just point your wand at people like that. What if the safety’s off?

That reminds me of one of my favorite memes:

Colin:

And here we are at the Schloss Adler. 

So he rode his bike all the way back here just to greet the kids at the train station? Is Harry gonna see him and be like, “So, what happened to you at the train station, motherfucker? I’m 11”?

I didn’t get introduced to college that way.

Colin:

Wesleyan’s a lot like Hogwarts…but most people were bigger on herbology. My man Neville knows what I’m talking about. 

I can just imagine student protests at Hogwarts. People upset at their meal plan because the Great Hall doesn’t serve proper vegan.

Are there Liberal Dark Arts?

More material for our TV show.

What’s the electric bill like at this place? Or are those all candles?

The funny thing is that 99% of people on the premises can make it so those candles replace themselves, but the one person in charge of it is Filch, and I bet he willingly goes around like an asshole, replacing each one.

Can’t you just picture him with that candle lighter/snuffer tool, standing on a ladder putting out chandeliers one at a time, meanwhile Dumbledore could wave his arm and do the entire room? Muttering to himself, “Can’t just give me that little lighter you used on the muggle street, could you? No he couldn’t, Mrs. Norris. That would be the polite thing to do.”

Though now that I think about it, the house elves would be the ones doing it. I forget they’re even there, because the movies just completely eliminate them from the books. Don’t wanna mention the most wonderful magical place on earth is built on the backs of slave labor, do ya? Pure elf erasure. S.P.E.W. forever!

Look at this set. I can’t believe they never won an Oscar for this set. It held up through eight movies.

It’s funny that some of these kids have no idea what’s going on, and they were just put on a nine-hour train ride, put into boats and taken to a castle. And no one’s explained shit to them.

Which — Harry had Hagrid as an escort, but what about people like Hermione, who come from a non-magical family? How did her parents get the rundown of, “Okay, now your daughter’s gonna run through a magical wall and you won’t see her for the next four months”?

But then, they show up in Diagon Alley in the second movie, so is there like a one year vetting process for them to make sure they’re cool? Or do we assume that the magical community, despite being really secretive, just told these people and figure the rest of that family will be totally cool with it, not say anything and they’ll be really chill around all the magical people as they buy school supplies and whatnot for their daughter?

What is it like when your daughter just turns out to be magical all of a sudden? Or did they not know and then the letter showed up and they were like, “What?” Is it like when people find out their child is gay? And they freak out and think, “What can we do? Can we get her fixed somewhere?” Hermione’s parents seem decently cool, but what about… well I don’t know the U.K. equivalent, but what if it was like the U.S., and someone was born magical in the midwest to muggle parents who maybe weren’t so supportive? How would that all go down?

There has to be some liaison, right? Some dude who shows up to handle the transition for muggle parents. Shows them some video. “So… your child has magical powers…”

Yeah, that’s right… send the children to Maggie.

I love how her first words to the kids are essentially, “You’re about to be put into a fraternity. You’re all gonna go to one of four places, and your place is like your family, so if someone’s not in your place, you can’t really be friends with them.”

Grove Street for life, son! (Can somebody find me a picture of Maggie Smith making a “west side” gesture?)

But that’s kind of fucked up, though. You don’t even get a chance to make friends with people and you separate them.

What kind of hazing do you think the houses do?

Colin:

Kids are cute when they’re like two to three years old. Look at these goons. Look at Ron’s goon face. Ten year old kids have no concept of what the fuck they’re doing, where they are or how to stand. Look at the blond kid near the back right, craning his neck to see Maggie Smith. “Is she talking? Fuck, I left my Fruit Roll-Up on the train. Is there like a lost and found, or….?”

The four houses are “Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, and Slytherin.”

Colin:

Way to say “Slytherin” like an asshole, Maggie Smith. We all know you hate them.

There’s the subtitle for this part: “Way to Say Slytherin Like an Asshole, Maggie Smith.”

Would a real toad eat a chocolate toad?

“Trevor!”

Holy shit, look at that girl’s face.

Colin:

I also love the look Maggie gives Neville after he picks up his toad.

Not a euphemism.

Colin:

She’s like, “Please don’t put this motherfucker in my house. Dear Lord, make him a Hufflepuff.”

I feel like this is a camera angle you just do not ask Maggie Smith to perform for, and that this is the look she gave the director when he told her what setup he wanted to use.

I like that he’s 11 and already has bodyguards.

The name’s Malfoy. Draco Malfoy.”

James Blond.

“Did you just snort at me, motherfucker?”

“Red hair, and a hand-me-down robe… you must be a Weasley.”

Hands down one of the best put-downs I’ve ever heard.

Colin:

The more I think about it, the more the wizarding community starts to sound like some bullshit flyspeck island in the Caribbean. Think about it, there’s ONE school for the whole country, and there are few enough people in attendance that you know your whole class. And the world’s so small that this rich kid is able to recognize someone he’s never met by the quality of his clothing and his hair color. Being Minister of Magic can’t be that big a deal if the voting majority is like 150 people.

As far as we know, there’s the UK school, the French school and the Bulgarian school, and that’s it. Nothing about America is ever mentioned in these movies.

Apparently there are 11 schools all over the world. We know Hogwarts, Beauxbatons and Durmstrang (also the name of a law firm for people who may have mesothelioma). So, Scotland, France and ‘Northern Europe’. The Fantastic Beasts films introduced Ilvermony (by name only), which is on the east-coast of North America. There’s one in Brazil (Castelobruxo), Japan (Mahoutokoro), Uganda (Uagadou) and Russia (Koldovstoretz).

Just thinking in terms of geography — there’s gotta be a southwest North America one. There should probably be a Canada one. India’s got nothing. Australia? What about Southern Europe? Where do the Italians go? Greece? They’re just feeding them all to one of these other locations? How do some of these families get the kids to the schools? What if you were born in Hawaii? Or like, on a Pacific island and your family had no real money and were muggles? How do they get you to a train station? What about transfer students?

There’s such great material here to be mined.

Colin:

That’s the fucked up part. They don’t mention SHIT. There’s quidditch teams from Japan and America and all over the place. Voldemort is doing evil stuff in England, but there are wizards all around the world. Are we to believe that he’s gonna rule the world? How about the U.S. wizard CIA shows up and takes him down in 30 seconds? We’re pretty much made to accept that the U.K. is the whole world except for two boarding schools that exist abroad and a dragon colony in Eastern Europe.

“Felix Felicis. Brother from Ilvermony.”

I’m not good with body language. I think this means they’re gonna be friends.

Maggie just lets this play out. This is cheaper than her bum fights.

Jesus, Maggie. He’s eleven. Not Alt-Right.

Not yet, at least.

And here we go, seeing The Great Hall for the first time.

I want a room like that. For, you know, general merrymaking and the occasional hullabaloo.

I also want a ceiling like that.

Imagine them doing laser Floyd in this room.

The floating candles are one of my favorite touches in this entire franchise. I want candles that can do that.

I want a… actually, nah. I don’t want a hat like that. That’s a drunken scarecrow’s hat.

I’d only want that hat if we could both get drunk and duet “By the Light of the Silvery Moon” together.

So put that one down as a ‘maybe’.

Who’s that shifty ass dude in the corner? What’s he selling?

He’s gotta be like, the dead language professor. Who teaches like one class that only like eight students take, and otherwise he just gets high all the time and the only issues he ever brings up in faculty meetings are that the vending machine is never restocked enough and whether or not they’re gonna include burritos as part of the breakfast menu.

That looks like Monica Bellucci and Christopher Walken in a beard (or, Richard Slotkin, which is a reference for Colin only).

Black witch! Dare I ask what she teaches?

The fucked up thing is that we never see Black teachers in this school. Maybe it’s Ancient Runes or something, or one of those classes they can’t be bothered to tell us about in the books or the films.

Also, no joke, I’d actually rather take most of their magic classes than I would have wanted to take like 85% of the classes I took in college.

“Good morning. In less than an hour, aircraft from around the world…”

Oh, wait… wrong movie.

Oh yeah… Filch.

It’s funny how this makes it seem like he’s just here, skulking about, but in his head he’s like, “Look at these fucking kids…messing up my tables. I spent four hours polishing ’em. And not a-one sits there and says, ‘Thank you, Argus’. Ain’t that right, Mrs. Norris?”

Also, could they not be bothered to get those kids some decent hats?

And Mrs. Norris.

If Filch has a will, she’s getting everything.

“Welcome, freshmen. I’d like you to know, the dark forest is off limits to all students.”

What a weird way to start a welcoming speech.

“Oh, and you can’t go into the east wing of the third floor or else you’re going to die a most horrible death. You may serve the fish.”

Time to get sorted…

I love thinking about the kids who have no idea what’s about to happen. “Come on, children, come up here and put on this dusty ass hat while everyone watches.”

This honestly feels like hazing.

This is pretty fucked up… making all them go through this publicly.

Colin:

That hat has a vagina mouth.

Has anyone stuck their dick into the Sorting Hat? The answer has to be yes, right?

Hermione goes first. She gets put into Gryffindor. Weird (and somehow fitting) that they chose her to go first of all people.

Also, I notice the Sorting Hat didn’t sing any song. Which is probably for the best. But also, that’s a sentient hat whose only purpose is served one day a year and otherwise just sits on a shelf, talking to dead portraits and watching a phoenix shit all day.

“Good… good.”

What a great way to clap when you can’t be bothered.

While we’re here — let’s talk about what a badass Richard Harris is. If you want a good internet rabbit hole (and trust me, you do), search for “Peter O’Toole, Richard Harris drinking stories.” There are compilations all over and it’s just them going on talk shows in the 80s and 90s just talking about all the times they got fucked up with Burton and Reed and did crazy shit. It’s amazing.

Harris also had an amazing sense of humor. When they took him into the hospital before he died, they took him out of the Savoy Hotel on a stretcher, passing the famous Savoy Grill at the bottom of the hotel, with all the people eating watching this go down. So as they wheel him past everyone, he shouts, “It was the food!”

Dude was a fucking legend.

Draco’s turn. But before we get into that…

Why does everybody cheer when someone gets sorted? Isn’t the sorting based on their personalities? So why would you cheer? “Yes, score one for us!” Either it’s by random chance, and you’re cheering random chance, or you’re cheering, “Yeah! Someone just like us!” If you’re gonna do that, at least throw in a “gooble gobble.”

Here’s another thing – how come all the houses end up evenly-numbered? Does that mean there’s just as many evil people as there are good people? Since presumably Slytherin is home to assholes, based on what this movie tells us (‘there’s not a witch or wizard who went bad who wasn’t in Slytherin’). There have to be some good people in Slytherin, right? Does that mean the Sorting Hat is rigged? Does it intentionally put people into Slytherin even if they don’t fit the Slytherin type? Even if they’re not Penske material? Does that mean that someone could end up in Hufflepuff just because they needed to round out the numbers? There can’t be all even splits every year. Sooner or later, one crop of kids are gonna all be Ravenclaws. Murky business, this sorting stuff.

Colin:

“What, why Slytherin? Why me?”

“Look, we needed an Asian kid. Now shut up and get us house points.”

Also, you know used to be good at sorting? Concentration camp commandants.

Oh god, now I’m picturing the Sorting Hat in that photo.

But you know… we don’t really know anything about the Sorting Hat and what he did before he came to this school. He really might have done some awful shit.

I love that the hat doesn’t even have to touch his head to know he’s a Slytherin.

Maybe the hat is drunk. That’s a possibility. And it’s just like, “Fuck it, Hufflepuff.”

I like how when they announce Susan Bones and she walks up, you just know she’s gonna be a Hufflepuff. Plus the camera totally ignores her and moves onto something else. That’s another way to tell.

Colin:

I always thought the Sorting Hat talked to you in your head. This thing is talking loud enough for everyone to hear. How embarrassing is that? “Oh, I see you have an oversized vagina. Better be HUFFLEPUFF!”

Oh shit… Snape up in the house.

Harry’s scar hurts. You know what that means…

Colin:

“I see…I see…a creepy dude with long, black hair. He sticks it to little boys.”

Colin:

“I know it was you.”

Apparently so does that kid next to Harry. Holy shit, man, pull back that stare about 999 yards.

Colin:

Let’s be real. We’ve all had a creepy chemistry teacher. Right?

Right?

I had a chemistry teacher named Ms. Hsu. She taught chemistry as her main focus and then was eventually made to teach us for physics the next year because they had no one else at the time (gotta love the New York Public School System). Physics was not her subject. But, when we did that project with the eggs and the milk cartons where you have to stuff the cartons so the eggs don’t break when you throw them out a window, I called mine “Egg Drop Hsu.” The moral of this story is that I was just as awesome back then as I am now.

Also, look at Snape. Pinky out.

I feel like this is a deleted scene from the play Doubt.

“Oh, another Weasley, eh…”  (What he leaves out is, “You motherfuckers multiply like rabbits.”) “I know just what to do with you…”

I bet you do, hat.

So Ron goes to Gryffindor too. Which I buy. The Hermione thing is weird, since based on what we find out about her, she’s more than borderline Ravenclaw. But I guess we need the leads all in the same house. Some shit just needs to be rigged.

Oh shit, it’s Harry’s turn. Everyone sits up to pay attention to this one.

(Look at all these people. They’re so young. Look at Seamus and Dean!)

Ah yes, frame the shot between the stand-ins.

I guess because this is the one everyone’s interested in.

The hat doesn’t know what to do. It’s “difficult… very difficult.”

Harry also says “Not Slytherin” over and over. And out loud, too. Which feels like a bit of a dick move.

Is Richard Harris sleeping back there? I’m pretty sure he is.

“Not Slytherin, eh? Are you sure? You could be great, you know…”

What kind of peer pressure is this shit? What’s preventing him from being great in any of the other houses?

Somebody is drunk right now, and for some stupid reason it isn’t me.

But Harry’s persistent. Not Slytherin. Well, if he’s sure, “better be – Gryffindor!”

Why? Was Ravenclaw not an option? I didn’t know we were taking requests.

I also love how they don’t even bother to read the names in any coherent order. Weird how McGonagall knew who the primary people in the films were gonna be, and knew when to throw on a bullshit Hufflepuff so we could watch something else for a few seconds.

Colin:

Well, either way, I’m glad they skipped most of the ceremony. It’s just old hat, really.

All the teachers are clapping that Harry went to Gryffindor too. The only thing missing is someone slipping someone else a twenty.

Oh, wait – there it is! Flitwick’s about to get paid! “Motherfucker I told you Gryffindor.”

“You’ve chosen – wisely.”

Colin:

“There once was a dream that was foam…”

There could be prune juice in that goblet and you’d still feel like a baller as you drank from it.

“Butterbeer… you make my DAY-AY-AY!!”

Also, look at that silverware. Straight gold. I’d totally be pawning that shit if I were someone. I was gonna say Filch, but he totally seems like the guy who takes such pride in polishing the silverware that he doesn’t even let the house elves do it. Slughorn seems like the guy who’d pawn that shit to cover his gambling debts.

“You can eat now, bitches.”

Nine-hour train ride where all they got was candy. Had to sit in boats to cross a lake. Sat there while they all got sorted. No food the entire time. And imagine the kids who didn’t get candy because Harry Warbucks bought it all.

Motherfucker knows magic, man. This just turned into that moment from Hook when all the food shows up.

Then we get some exposition, finding out about Snape, how he teaches potions, but really wants the Defense Against the Dark Arts job and has been after it for years. Which brings me to another question…

Snape is working as a double agent this whole time (Spoiler alert: Read the fucking books). So shouldn’t he know that Quirrell has Voldielocks strapped to the back of his head?

Colin:

Conversely, since Snape is clearly fucking Quirrell’s shit up as Voldemort’s strapped to the back of his head, shouldn’t Voldie not trust Snape in the future? Wouldn’t Snape have reported some shit to Dumbledore? Seems like Rowling grafted the whole double agent sub-plot on later.

And also, since we’re here — he’s wanted the Defense Against the Dark Arts position for years. It’s weird how he’s a double agent but also a committed teacher. I’d hate that shit if I were a secret agent and had to have something like this as my cover. You mean I actually have to teach and grade papers? Fuck THAT shit.

Ah, and there’s our comic relief – Nearly Headless Nick. He’s gonna disappear after the next movie anyway, so let’s not bother wasting time on him. But he is played by John Cleese, so that’s cool. He worked at another ministry in his day.

1-800-NO-GHOST

Too bad they didn’t do that before the Vanquish.

Colin:

Oh that piece of shit. Why did you have to bring that up?

The same reason I randomly bring up Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever to Shiho. I’m an asshole.

It wasn’t that bad, was it?

Colin:

It WAS that bad! Seriously? An invisible car with missiles everywhere and a battering ra– oh, did you mean the headless stuff?

Peeves goes around, ghoulishly molesting people, doesn’t he? If anyone’s gonna get MeToo’d in that school, Peeves is 100% my guess.

And then Firenze. I’m not sure why. He seems like the guy who’d have an affair with a student and not realize the power dynamics at play.

Weird how we went from that opening scene and that flashback to this. This is pod racing production design.

But also, how much do we think this art collection is worth? Moving or otherwise?

Though I’ll admit, this one was a weird choice:

Filch the Carpathian.

They get led back to the dorms. And they find out that the staircases “like to change.” Because fuck you, that’s why.

Great shots, though.

This place looks awesome.

I also like the idea that whoever built this place was like, “Fuck it, let’s make the staircases move. Who needs to get where they’re going every time?”

This is their dorm room. It looks like a harem in Calcutta.

Which is probably better than these kids deserve, to be honest.

Everybody remembers their first hall meeting.

At mine, my roommate and I were sitting on a couch basically made for two people, and a football player came and sat down right between us and was like, “Sup, fellas, how’s it going?” And then he realized he was sitting on a mini couch in between two guys he didn’t know and immediately freaked out and went, “Wait, you guys aren’t gay, are you?” That was fun. He also farted really loudly during the meeting. Good times.

Nice shot.

Also:

“Don’t you pet me, I’m still mad at you for that cage shit you pulled earlier.”

Does Hedwig immediately just recognize Harry as her person? How’d that work? What’s keeping her from flying away right now?

I really wish they made this franchise into a TV series, just so they could get into all the interesting stuff the movies never could. Like class registration. Prerequisites and Gen Eds. Please somebody hire us to make this show.

Cats can’t teach metaphysics!

Also, what are they writing down? Nothing’s going on. Are they copying the notes on the board? Or are they all writing headings down and shit. Remember that? Headings? What bullshit.

Look at Hermione, too. She’s totally critiquing the lesson plan. Everyone else is taking notes and she’s reading it like, “That’s a rather pedestrian approach. Honestly, Minerva…”

Harry and Ron arrive late, thinking everything’s cool.

Same.

“Oh y’all motherfuckers didn’t know I was here, did you?”

Colin:

That ain’t shit. Read a few dozen Animorphs books and get back to me.

It’s also funny to think — this is clearly what she does to all the new students. This is 100% a ‘first year’ trick she pulls and all the older students are like, “Did she do the cat thing to you?”

And now Potions. Because who gives a fuck about learning? Get the punchline and fuck the rest.

Snape walks in like he just had a fight with his wife.

“Look, motherfuckers, I’m your teacher, you listen to me and if not I’m going to fucking poison you.”

Already we see he doesn’t like Harry and loves Draco. Because they’re all in gangs here.

He looks like that one random old dude the theater kids put in their productions. The one still taking it way too seriously.

Snape asks Harry a complicated question on the first day. He’s that kind of teacher.

“Didn’t you do the reading?” “Motherfucker, I just got the syllabus.”

See that hand? That’s the ‘I’m hungover as shit’ hand and he’s trying to get through the class without anyone noticing.

And she’s that kind of student.

The Irish kid wants to turn water into rum. I’d call them out for such blatant stereotyping, but he’s the most sensible person in this movie.

Though I am curious where he’s getting that spell from. I haven’t heard a single spell uttered in these movies that’s longer than two words. I know you’re all 11, but come on now.

Mail time.

Harry got nothing. Because get it? He’s an orphan.

Neville got that doo doo cloud ball.

It’s a Remembrall.

Neville also has a Liverpudlian accent.

Colin:

Apparently he’s forgotten about his period. Also, Liverpudlian accents are hilarious.

That does look like something that would track your cycle.

Hey look, Gringotts got robbed. How many times is that over the course of this franchise? Maybe they should have followed that plan when they rob the bank in Deathly Hallows.

Also, are there FULL SIZE GOBLINS? And why is it dressed like a Swiss Guard? And who let press in to take this photo?

To think, all this could’ve been averted if one motherfucker didn’t go to Albania.

Jesus, what’s with that look? Do you think Harry did it or something? You’re a child, not Sherlock fucking Holmes.

Anyway, turns out the vault Harry and Hagrid emptied was the one they tried to rob. Did Dumbledore know it was gonna be robbed? Maybe you should put the thing back in the vault now, after they already looked there. No one would think to look twice.

Also, why would any respectable publication announce which vault ended up getting robbed like that? Aren’t there privacy laws?

Time for flying lessons.

My only real question here is — does Filch maintain that grass?

Led by Madame Hooch, the perfect name for a lesbian gym teacher. Someone’s maintaining that grass, I bet.

She feels like one of the teachers I’d get along best with at this school. Shame she just disappears after the next movie. But also, I guess gym class does sort of stop mattering after a certain age too. I’m sure by seventh-year, you’re just showing up in sweatpants and walking around the track instead of doing laps. THAT’s the moment when you discuss how you’re gonna sneak into the secret room or discuss what you heard Cho did with that fourth year even though you’re totally over that break up and don’t care at all what she does with her personal life.

Man, we really need to get to write this TV show.

Do they ever get to play kickball or ride around on those little scooter boards or play the parachute game at this school? Or is it basically just Quidditch in this world? Quidditch and playing with wild animals that’ll fucking kill you if you don’t bow to them first.

It looks like gym, too. 8:30 in the morning, don’t wanna be doing shit, teacher making you run sprints while they stand there in shorts doing nothing.

Colin:

She tells them to “mount it and grip it tight. You don’t want to be sliding off the end.” It must really suck being the only lesbian in a wizarding community of like 200 people.

I feel like she’d do really well in nonmagical gay bars. But also, I am curious how tolerant this community is, LGBTQ+-wise. Feels like not so much, just cause of the whole medieval vibe.

It’s funny all the shit they introduce in this movie that you forget by the end of the franchise. I’d like to hear them, in Deathly Hallows, say “Up” every time they need their broom. Actually seems a lot simpler than “Accio,” doesn’t it?

It’s like the dueling thing. By movie six, they completely ignore the whole “saying words” aspect. It’s just zap zap, and the only time someone says a spell when dueling is when Harry’s using Expelliarmus like a bitch.

Fun fact: They made Harry Potter toy brooms in the early 2000s, and they vibrated so you could pretend like you were flying, but they took them off the market when a lot of teenage girls were having way too much fun with them.

Damn it, Neville – THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS!

I think her liver is failing. Either that or she’s supposed to be part cat?

Part cat because she’s likes…

Anyway…

Her first name is Rolanda, by the way. Madam Rolanda Hooch. She’d for sure be one of my favorite teachers at this school. She’d be the one who just talked regular and didn’t censor herself just because we were kids.

Did you know brooms can withstand hitting stone at 30 miles per hour?

And apparently so do skulls.

Well that’s a fortunately placed statue.

Neville also looks like he’s about to code.

Neville has a broken wrist and is taken to the hospital wing. Malfoy nicks his Remembrall.

Dean Thomas looks like he just wants to get the fuck out of there.

Colin:

Remember what I said about ten year olds being goons? Look at the three kids behind Malfoy.

Also, I know they’re probably just curls, but Hermione sure looks like she might have some dreads.

Harry and Malfoy get into it. Which leads to an amazing moment:

How does he just know how to fly? Is he the kid who learned to drive first because he’s rich and could drive around the grounds of his mansion?

“Harry, what the fuck are you doing? You don’t even know how to fly.”

Well don’t you feel dumb.

“What. An. Idiot.”

But also, she’s right. Dude just took off without knowing what he was doing. Gender-wise, that tracks.

Also, what kind of Wizard of Oz brooms are these? That’s firewood! Though I guess they’re like, public school-issued brooms. Like when you’d be in band class and use whatever bullshit instruments they had in the closet.

Dick-waving contest.

Look at Malfoy’s hair. That’s product and a comb ALL THE WAY BACK. He looks like he came from Wall Street in the 80s.

Of course he throws it.

But also, what a headshot this is. “For relaxing times…”

All this to save a tiny ass little thing that probably retails for like $29.99. You’re telling me you can’t get an Amazon Prime Owl to get him another one by like, tomorrow?

I’m also choosing not to look at the above image out of context.

This is what it’s like, trying to find your dorm while drunk.

“O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou student ID so I can get into the building?”

Nice framing.

I like that Maggie just has a mirror on her desk. Grading papers, looking into it at herself, “… beautiful.”

Caught that shit like a straight gangsta.

“Holy shit! That fucking kid almost got himself killed! Let’s put him on the team!”

This is not what the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom looks like in any other movie. This looks like they repurposed Snape’s room for this one shot.

Anyway, Maggie needs to get some Wood for a minute.

I like how she sees that happen and immediately goes to steal another kid from class just so she could tell him to put Harry on the Quidditch team.

Also, does Defense Against the Dark Arts include drying your undies on a clothesline during class? Or are those just dead bats?

Best shot in the movie.

What was he doing with that iguana?

Harry gets made the Gryffindor Seeker. The youngest Seeker in a century. He’s worried he’ll be terrible at it. I would be too, especially if they used a random broom moment to put him on the team rather than, you know, a tryout.

Hermione just sort of forces her way into the conversation. But it’s not weird because she randomly knows all about his pappy.

Notice who was also on that team. I feel like that’s the bigger revelation in this image.

Colin:

This is apparently one of her nieces or nephews. Little Easter egg for you.

Yeah, but what’s even better is that SHE was on the team when she was a student too. She really can do it all.

Oh no, the stairs are changing! Just when we need a convenient plot point to happen!

How about you just wait for them to change back?

Or, do that.

You know there is a down staircase like, right there. You could just make your way back. Or do you sense the plot calling you too?

The stairs don’t do this in the later movies. I guess because murder happens and this isn’t really something we spend time on. You don’t see this happening during the Battle of Hogwarts, do you?

Oh, but now they’re on the third floor. Es ist verboten.

You pussies.

Though after all these years, one of the lines I will never forget from this franchise is the obviously ADR’d line, “It’s Filch’s cat!”

Also, she has a name.

Quick – let’s hide through that door before the cat goes all the way downstairs and that creepy dude with the limp makes his way all the way up while the stairs somehow stay in the exact same configuration the entire time.

Oh, but it’s locked.

Alohomora.

That means hello AND goodbye.

Isn’t it great that all the top secret shit in the school has about the same protection as an AOL pop-up blocker? Shouldn’t first years NOT be able to do this? (And we haven’t even gotten to the third act yet…)

Colin:

This is what I’m talking about. They get into the secret corridor with Alohomora? That’s like…babytown frolics. You’d think that the MacGuffin that this entire plot revolves around would be protected by some pretty powerful charms. At least something that wouldn’t be stymied by the “Standard Book of Spells, Chapter Seven.”

I feel like the only reason this worked for us was because we were roughly the same age as the characters as the books and movies were coming out and that they were staggered enough that we didn’t notice the gradual trend away from this baby shit. Now that you watch them together, though…what the hell is this supposed to be?

I love that it took seven chapters to get to Alohomora.

Also, is that a statue of a ghost giving a Nazi salute? Gaspar the Friendly Ghost.

Oh, you know, just a giant, three-headed dog that absolutely no one’s heard about to this point that they also somehow got into this room with an absolutely regular door.

You have that thing behind a door and the only security you have for it is a fucking padlock? Man, peace time security is lax.

Yeah, I’m sure that’ll hold. What’s the spell to lock it? Is that in chapter eight?

Ah, a good walk and talk. Hermione says it’s there on purpose, the three-headed dog, because it was standing on a trap door. So it’s guarding something. (Or that’s just where it shits.) Now she’s going to bed, before either of them come up with another plan to get them all killed.

“Or worse… expelled.”

I like that expulsion is more severe than death. Tammany Hall would have loved her.

“Man, she really needs to get laid.”

Time to learn about Quidditch.

But before we do, what’s on top of that far tower, keeping watch, and why are there none of those things on the other towers? Are those fake owls?

Aww… that would be the size of Dobby’s coffin.

That’s the Quaffle. It’s when too much air builds up, and…

Moving on.

The Chasers handle the Quaffle and try to put it into one of those holes.

“We’re all trying to put it in one of those holes, am I right, my man?”

That’s the Bludger.

It’s funny thinking that he had to roll around pretending it was moving when they shot this scene.

But all this stuff is just noise. All Harry need concern himself with –

— is this.

The Golden Snitch.

Some say it’s a myth and most men don’t know how to find it.

“I like this ball.”

“Ah, you like it now. Just wait… calling you up at all hours of the day, complaining about something or other… sucking the life out of you, spending all your money and never appreciating you. Making you want to grab them by the head and squeeze until their brains explode all over the coffee table… what were we saying?”

Here’s how the actual exchange goes:

“It’s wicked fast and damn near impossible to see.”

“What do I do with it?”

“You catch it. Before the other team’s Seeker. You catch this, the game is over. You catch this, Potter – and we win.”

Colin:

This is also wrong. There are instances where the other team is up by more than 150 points and you don’t want to catch the snitch or else you’ll lose.

But shit, it my neighborhood, we don’t catch snitches, we stab em.

Golden Snitches get golden stitches.

Did that ball just drink a Red Bull?

I like that Wood is looking in the complete other direction just so we could focus on Radcliffe and the CGI in this shot.

Filius Flitwick – baddest motherfucker at Hogwarts.

He certainly changes appearances over the course of the films, doesn’t he?

He’s teaching them the “swish and flick” movement. Teaching them that Wingardium Leviosa.

Seamus looks like he’s about to do calligraphy while Harry looks like he’s about to shiv someone in the shower.

Look at him. “BANG BANG!”

“All right, all right – hold it. You’re gonna kill someone. Also, you’re saying it wrong. It’s Levi-O-sa. Not Levi-o-SA.” Every one of us knows the exact inflection of that line.

You think she was like this when they slept together for the first time? (Also, he totally said it right the first time.)

Colin:

Look at the other dumbass ginger behind them! She makes this shot. Looks like she’s gonna cry.

Dean always has the right attitude for these things. It’s like he knows this is all completely bullshit and no one’s paying any attention to whether or not he can do this.

Why is there a space in the back row there? Did one of the students die? Or are we really just in amateur hour in terms of framing shots and you just wanted to make sure there was nobody behind your leads?

This changes nothing.

Why must the Irish kid always explode?

Looks like Seamus is having…. Troubles with this assignment.

“Man, that girl was THE WORST, wasn’t she?”

I love that Seamus still covered in residue.

Uh oh, Ron. You done fucked up now.

“What did I say?”

Colin:

Think the Sorcerer’s Stone does Midol too, or…?

Ah… Flag Day.

There is a complete disregard for dental hygiene at this school.

Also, why is there money on the table?

(Idea: Wizard strip clubs.)

“Where’s Hermione?”

“Oh, she’s just in the girls bathroom, crying.”

“Oh, so nothing important, then. Carry on.”

“TROLL IN THE DUNGEON!”

I think there’s a troll in the dungeon, guys.

Lady next to Dumbledore is super unimpressed. Where she grew up that shit happens all the time.

We should start referring to pregnancy as having a “troll in the dungeon.”

Or maybe like a power ballad or something. “There’s a troll in the dungeon / My heart’s in so much pain…”

Troll in the Dungeon would be a great name for a band. Honestly I’m surprised it isn’t one yet. We’re about at that time where people will start referencing stuff around this time for their band names.

I also love how Quirrell adds, “Thought you ought to know,” before he passes out. I always laugh at that.

Also, if someone passed out like that, wouldn’t the first move be to get him to the hospital and then take off his turban to see if he has any cuts?

Or, just a mass freak out.

I mean, I get that as Quirrell he’s stutter-y and jumpy all the time and I understand the true motivation for doing this, but as the DEFENSE AGAINST THE DARK ARTS PROFESSOR or just as an adult around children, wouldn’t the move be to quietly go tell someone who can take care of it?

I feel like Dumbledore should’ve at least given him a stern talking to for pulling this shit so publicly. Not to mention whatever the fuck happened with Snape that we never find out about.

Why is everyone freaking out? Surely this school has people who are equipped to handle this sort of thing. It’s like they said the secret word on Pee-Wee or found out the McRib was going away again.

I also like how they step over their professor’s body — like one would in a real emergency.

But look at that kid on the right. Not the one screaming over his teacher’s lifeless body, the one who looks like he’s saying, “I like a dame that can handle a troll.”

It’s weird how even the older students are freaking out (and how you never really see what looks like upperclassmen in these wise shots and they made it specifically look all like people around the main characters’ ages).

“Hey yo – shut the fuck UP!”

Colin:

Dumbledore should have been played by James Earl Jones.

Every character should have been played by James Earl Jones.

Especially Dobby.

Just read this line in his voice: “Master has presented Dobby with clothes. Dobby is free!”

Look at that girl in front. “Did he just scream at me?” She 100% would call up the Minister of Magic because her teacher yelled at her. She’s definitely got the word ‘supervisor’ at the ready at any given situation.

“Please. I’ve been killing trolls all my motherfuckin’ life. Students, get your asses upstairs. Teachers – let’s fuck some shit up.”

Naturally it’s time to sneak out like that.

Uh oh – Hermione’s in the girl’s bathroom. Trolls love women’s bathrooms.

Granger Danger!

Colin:

Ten points to Hufflepuff for that one.

This is what we all look like stumbling to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

“It’s going into the girls’ bathroom!”

I feel like it’s going wherever it wants. It just happens to be going into the girls’ bathroom.

Don’t you hate it when you get out of the toilet stall and there’s a fully grown mountain troll outside and you have to wonder if he just heard you ripping ass inside like Jeff Daniels in Dumb and Dumber?

Also, walk up to the club like:

Driver’s license photo.

Why is there only one towel on that rack? Is someone showering?

Yeah, do that. That’ll help.

Also, is that a shit stain in that toilet? Or just rust? And are the floors straight up concrete? This is the second floor.

What’s funny is how shitty this bathroom looks compared to the one we discover in the next movie. Why would you use a bathroom that looks like a dive bar bathroom instead of a nice one where you have to deal with an annoying ghost for three minutes?

Yeah, do that. That’ll end well.

Is that in the Standard Book of Spells?

Wow, the CGI looks horrible when you pause it like that. And I mean on HARRY, not even the troll.

Colin:

I didn’t even have to pause it to be let down by the CGI. Is this seriously what it looked like then? You hear those stories about how James Cameron wanted to make Avatar in the late 90s but decided that he should wait for the technology to improve — that man was RIGHT. Imagine Avatar with these graphics.

It already has this writing.

Now what do you do?

“I know – Wingardium Leviosa!”

Ron actually did something right for once.

What happened to Hermione?

Knocked his dumb ass out.

“What do we do now?”

“Let’s see how big his dick is!”

“Jesus, Ronald.”

That’s been me on many a Wednesday morning. And Thursday. And Fr-

“What the FUCK?”

“See, what had happened was…”

Hermione takes the blame for the three of them. (She also looks like she took something else. What the fuck is that on her CHEST?)

This makes them respect her. Though presumably they already did respect her, seeing as how they came here to prevent her from being killed at all.

Wonder how many house points that would’ve cost them

The Gay Wand Clerk.

(Congratulations to the four people who got that reference.)

Did you not realize you had that before you went back in public?

Do we also ever find out how he got that and what the particulars are?

“…Bitch.”

Hermione gets five points taken away from Gryffindor. For… I guess… having emotions.

But good old Maggie…

She gives Ron and Harry five points each. A net positive of five.

So for those counting – almost getting yourself killed, minus 5 points. Taking down a mountain troll, 5 points each, playing a game of chess – 50 points.

I like how there’s just this magical system that somehow is keeping tally of all the points. So professors just need to say numbers out loud and somehow the tally is kept. Also, though, what prevents Snape from being like, “You look stupid. Minus forty-seven points”? I feel like teachers could be pulling that shit all the time. “Minus twelve from Gryffindor?” “Oh yeah? Minus twenty from Slytherin and a hundred to Gryffindor? Fuck you, Nancy!”

Though we all know the points system is a bullshit rewards-based distraction designed to keep the children in line and unquestioning of the capitalistic hierarchy that is in place and purposefully keeping them from unbalancing the status quo. That’s all canon, right?

Now again I ask – what’s the deal here? Does Snape not know Voldemort is behind that turban? I’m not understanding the relationship between the two of them. Isn’t he supposed to be helping Voldemort? There doesn’t seem to be any reasonable way to explain this at all.

Colin:

Back to what I was saying before. Yes. Rowling either didn’t think this through or had no idea what she’d be doing in later books. You could say that she didn’t know it would pan out into the full franchise, but I just read an interview in which she claims that the entire franchise’s plot is based around Dumbledore and [primarily] Snape. That she was building to the big reveal about Snape in book seven from the very start, with clues and snippets here and there. So this is just sloppy.

So then Snape comes up to Harry at breakfast the next day. Walk of shame sort of deal.

“Don’t judge me.”

I knew it. He’s Keyser Söze.

Harry thinks Snape let the troll in so he can go after what the three-headed dog is after. (Since, you know, he’s only at Standard Book of Spells, Chapter Six.) And since people broke into Gringotts to steal the thing Hagrid picked up for Dumbledore, that must be what the three-headed dog is guarding. Boom. Sherlocked.

Colin:

Hey, what’s for breakfast guys? Is that red herring?

Is that what Harry calls Ginny’s…

Though it is kinda funny that this is how things work here. “I saw this one thing, and this is also a thing, so the two must be related.” A lot of movies (and franchises especially) are guilty of this, but it never makes it easy to see.

Harry’s got some mail. My question is what happens if an Owl is delivering a stereo or something. They can’t really carry the insanely heavy stuff. How does that work?

I’d love to see a wizard UPS guy come to pick up shit from Hogwarts.

I wonder what the fuck it could be.

Sure, cut to the overhead. Why not. Maybe we didn’t already know what it was gonna be.

Everyone gets the same meal. Do they not take dietary restrictions into account? That all goes to what I feel is this weird intolerance that’s intrinsic within the wizarding community.

A Nimbus 2000! Wow! It’s like it was perfectly set up with a throwaway line earlier!

But who could have given him that?

Oh, Maggie, you minx.

Colin:

Is that Hedwig with her? Like Hedwig dropped off the parcel and was then like, “Hey, Maggie. I just made the drop like you said. Where’s the mice you promised?” And Maggie’s like, “Yeah, motherfucker, your bird works for ME now.”

Hedwig is so baked.

Is there a wizarding NCAA? How is that not a rules violation?

Reaction shots are the key to comedy.

x4.

Remember Gladiator?

“At my signal, unleash hell the Snitch.”

“Scared, Harry?”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah, I was too before my first time.”

“What happened your first time?”

“I don’t really remember. Woke up in a barn with my pants around my ankles.”

Anyway, time for Quidditch.

Love this stadium.

Of course you let the first year do the announcing.

Colin:

In my mind, a grown up Lee Jordan would be played by the guy who was Gabor in The World is Not Enough. You know the one I mean.

I take this as an indicator of Lee Jordan’s inherent skills at doing this and not as a clear indicator that they’re just trying to make this a movie designed entirely for children and being as blatant as possible about it.

You think Hogwarts ever had a Quidditch riot? This is some real gangland shit going on right here.

Look at these people. This looks like a Republican rally. If there was ever any doubt that the Slytherins were the trust fund Republicans of Hogwarts, look at the kid right behind Malfoy.

Do the kids have to walk up those towers just to get to their seats. That must suck. Trek all the way out to the stadium and then walk up a hundred feet in narrow, rickety staircases to freeze your nuts off while people fly on brooms and throw shit at each other that you can barely see.

I have to hope most of them are blitzed out of their minds before they get there, as any respectable student would before a big game.

Also, they don’t really show you the houses who aren’t playing. Do the Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws just not show up for these, or are they just there because everyone else at the school is and just aren’t as boisterous about the cheering?

So are they D-1, or…

Dude, you can end the game right now.

This is why you need a lizard tongue.

Oh, it’s on.

Fuck ’em up, Angelina Johnson!

I hope the coach is on the sideline shouting, “DEFENSE!”

Wait, who is the coach? Is Snape the coach? Quidditch teams don’t seem to have coaches, do they? Do the kids just coach one another? Because that’s fucked up. Try that in any other universe. Have your ten-year olds organize a play or a concert. It’ll be a fucking disaster. No wonder people almost get killed in this stadium.

Colin:

So much for magic. You’re using a 1930s cash register to keep score of this game.

And he’s commentating from a rotary phone receiver from the 30s. I’m waiting for the injury report to come through the ticker tape.

Though those names seem to be etched on there with gold plates. Do they have one machine for each specific matchup? Or do they just slide the plates out and replace them each time? Though it’s almost as if the plates don’t even need to be there at all, since everyone knows who’s playing, and this was entirely for the audience’s benefit.

Oh, but Marcus Flint’s got a shot at it.

DE-NIED!

He peaked at Hogwarts.

What is wrong with your teeth?

Anyway, the game goes on. We’ll spare the details, for time’s sake. Until…

Flint fucks up Wood’s day real good.

How come only the area around the goals has sand at the bottom and everything else is grass? Seems like a weird decision to put something that could break one’s fall in one area and then not put it anywhere else.

Harry’s just sitting there watching things happen. Go… seek.

What’s the magic equivalent of an Eiffel Tower?

Get that shit!

What the hell is the Slytherin seeker doing during all this?

Oh, but his broom’s all fucked up.

I love these reactions. And the reflection inside the binoculars.

I hope they put a rag doll on a stick and shook it around for this shot.

It’s Snape!

(P.S. Look at that guy with the moustache!)

Unless you have the ability to pause your movie, or, you know… pay attention to the entire image.

Colin:

What’s with the counter curse? Why not just karate chop him and break his concentration that way?

This is why we’re here. To offer the simple solutions to life’s problems.

Colin:

I think I’d be a valuable addition to the wizarding community because I could remind them that they should stop relying on magic so much and karate chop more of their problems.

How to Stop Relying on Magic and Karate Chop Your Problems.

Look at the rest of this image — there’s a woman with a cowboy hat, there’s a guy with a yarmulke over on the left, there’s a woman with a beret, there’s a guy who looks like a complete hippie down at the bottom, there’s a guy with one of those Russian hats behind Snape, the guy at the bottom left is wearing a bandit hat, the woman on the bottom center has a chef’s hat, and there’s two people who look kinda like Helena Bonham Carter and Jim Broadbent, strangely. Though, the Jim Broadbent guy also has a Fred Willard thing going on.

And then there’s Dave Grohl back there, who looks like he just got finished shooting the Drunk History version of Shakespeare in Love.

Do pull ups!

Meh. That’s not so bad.

I also love that none of his teammates come over to help him out. Or, you know… the teachers. Is Dumbledore even here for this? Or was Richard Harris on a bender the week they shot this?

Oh she’s fucking ready for this shit.

She snuck over there right quick. Picture that — she went from one tower, down to the bottom, all the way to the other side of the stadium and climbed up another tower all while Harry was hanging from his broom. How long was he being bucked? That’s gotta be some kind of rodeo record.

“Whistling bells, lute and lyre, set this motherfucker’s pants on FIRE!”

Now break out!

Is that Cleavon Little?

Also, you people are wizards. Get some fucking gloves with fingers on them. What is this, “Invite the Homeless Day”? Maybe that’s why Dumbledore isn’t there. He doesn’t do peasants.

Subtle.

Also, does Snape ever consider just how his cloak got set on fire?

Someone needs a change of pants.

That’s my snitch.

“I don’t know about you, but I’m ready to die today.”

“That’s what I thought.”

Colin:

Ginny wasn’t here to see this, but she’ll find out eventually that Harry Potter don’t pull out of NOTHING.

He pulled the parking brake.

Is the Snitch sentient? Does it know Harry is about to grab it? Or is it just bewitched and moves about randomly until it’s caught?

I don’t think there’s been a shift as marked and empirical since the transition to sound as the one of computerized visual effects has been. This is crazy. This is what visual effects looked like in 2001.

They weird tattered robes from the thirteenth century, but they do have sneakers.

I always liked the random cutaway to Robbie Coltrane here — “Looks like he’s gonna be sick!” Yes, thank you, Hagrid. We all understand the unsubtle body motions of ‘I’m about to vomit now’.

“So that’s what it tastes like…”

Ah, Dumbs is here. Notice that he’s in close up, which means it was a pickup shot on the one day Harris agreed to show up.

Imagine if people cheered like that when everybody lost their virginity.

Right, though?

It’s hard for me to watch this and not think of “Wizard People, Dear Reader,” which, in my opinion, is the BEST Potter spoof/parody out there.

So we’ll END PART II there, as I (and you as well) go rewatch the brilliance that is Wizard People, Dear Reader.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow is Part III, and Invisibility Cloaks, dead people in a mirror, the dark forest, and “Happy Christmas, Harry.”

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

http://bplusmovieblog.com