Fun with Franchises: Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002), Part I — “Dobby Unchained”

What better way to start Fun with Franchises than with the king of all franchises (that we haven’t done yet)? This is the highest grossing franchise of all time, and is without a doubt the main one I grew up with, so it made sense to start with it. Harry Potter is by far the one franchise that every single one of my friends and I could make jokes and references to and have everyone get those jokes and references. Plus it’s just great.

I had so much fun with the Disney films and later the Bond films, I thought, “Let’s just try this with everything else.” Essentially this is us just watching these movies that we can talk endlessly about because we grew up with them and just cracking jokes and asking all these logical questions. It’s all for fun and basically for parody. We do this because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Harry Potter franchise, and today is the first part of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.

“You’ve got movies!”

We open in the sky, and after an unnecessarily complicated crane shot end up at –

Privet Drive.

It would be weird if we ended up any place else. (“Mayberry? What are we doing here? Sheriff Andy?”)

This is way too complicated, but I can’t complain too much when a John Williams score is behind it.

At least he has a room now. Is it because he knows magic now? Or because he got to go to school they figured they have to treat him like a real person?

Did he get to go to school before Hogwarts? Or did they really just keep him in the fucking cupboard all that time?

Which, speaking of facially-deformed children being kept in cupboards — did Chip and the other cups get any schooling in Beauty and the Beast? That must be weird, to be an infant and then all of a sudden be a cup. But I guess those are questions for another franchise.

Aww…they’re dead.

That baby also looks like one of the main characters of Trainspotting.

That’s the same shot you use when he’s cutting letters out of magazines to make ransom notes.

Apparently nothing has changed since the end of the last movie. Well, I guess Harry has a bedroom now. Still obsessing over his dead parents, though.

It’s weird to me that he’d be doing nothing but looking at that photo. Dude, you’re 12. Jerk off. Are you seriously spending the summer in your new room just looking at that photo and thinking, “I wonder what things would be like if they weren’t dead?” You keep doing that and you’ll be joining them before you know it.

Hedwig wants to get the fuck out.

That’s what happens when you go off the smack.

Petunia’s much more civil to him now. What happened there?

Unc V’s not. He tells Harry to control that fucking bird. Harry says she (show of hands – who knew Hedwig was a girl owl?) just needs to get out for a while.

Down to the corner to chase that dragon, baby.

Unc V says fuck that. He’ll send messages to his magic people.

I love the assumption that magic people can’t randomly ring his fucking doorbell. Or that those messages are going to impact you in any way. Though wouldn’t it be funny if you opened your door one day and there were people standing at it with wands to rob you?

The Strangers — Harry Potter style. I want to see people show up, wands-raised, “Everybody get on the fucking ground right now!”

Is there like, low level Azkaban for people who rob shit? What’s wizarding county like?

Rio Bravo — Harry Potter style.

But Harry hasn’t gotten any messages. From anyone. All summer.

How to Be a Dick, Just Because.

I love how Unc V is looking the other way. He’d make a great New York City policeman.

Unc V thinks Harry should be grateful – they’ve raised him since he was a baby. They’ve given him Dudley’s second bedroom, for Christ’s sake! Where’s his sainthood?

But anyway – some business associate and his family are coming and Unc V has everyone prepared. They better not fuck up the second verse of “So Long, Farewell,” like they did in rehearsal.

Petunia will be waiting to welcome them graciously into their home.

More places should be like that. Like brothels. Wouldn’t it be great if there was a hostess who welcomed you in? Or like, strip clubs. “Welcome to our humble abode. Destiny is about to finish and Roxy goes on next. Follow me into the champagne room.”

Dudley’s gonna open the door for them. With that Hitler cut he’s got going on there. That bowtie is sharp, though.

And Harry –

“I’ll be in my bedroom, making no noise and pretending that I don’t exist.”

Which is what most of us do on a daily basis.

Unc V tells Harry, “You fuck this up, I’ll kill you.”

He’s serious.

He showed him the knife.

But back in Harry’s room –

Speaking of showing the knife…

Thank you, thank you. I’ll be here all week. Remember to tip your waitress.

(Also, picture a restaurant with cow waitresses. That line just got twice as funny.)

The great thing about this scene is that Harry is standing there, not knowing WHAT the fuck to do, and then –

“Who the fuck are you?!”

That’s Dobby, the house elf.

Colin:

For some reason, as a kid reading the books, I always envisioned Dobby being played by Tony Shalhoub.

I saw the first two movies before I ever read any of the books. Pretty sure I picked up all the books at some points between Azkaban and Goblet of Fire. I think I read “Azkaban” in like, ’03, since Order of the Phoenix came out in ’03, and that was the first book I specifically bought new right when it came out. Pretty sure I read Azkaban and Goblet of Fire and then retroactively went back to read the first two. And then Order of the Phoenix was the first movie I saw at a midnight showing. It’s weird how I never really started giving a shit about the franchise when everyone else did. So I never actually had any notions about casting or picturing actors of whatever. I think my biggest reaction about casting was when they said Helena Bonham Carter as Bellatrix, and I went, “Holy shit, that’s perfect.”

I also like how you said “played by Tony Shalhoub” and not “voiced by Tony Shalhoub.” That’s a much better idea.

Is that a dinosaur shadow on his dresser? Or is that supposed to be Dobby? It looks like Mr. Burns’ shadow.

Dobby doesn’t know where to begin, and Harry tells him to sit down and they can begin.

“Sit down?”

“Oh, I know you didn’t say that shit to me. You just shamed my parents AND my grandparents. My aunt Denise would roll over in her motherfuckin’ grave if she heard your ass right now.”

“What did I do? No, wait — don’t cry — I didn’t mean it!”

Note to future parents: this is what having a child is like.

Harry tries to talk him off the ledge, says he didn’t mean to offend him.

Offended? Shit, no. Dobby’s thankful as shit. He’s never been asked to sit down by a wizard before.

Excuse me while I go SPEW. (Wacka wacka.)

Also, I’m just gonna throw this out there – do you think there’s a Thomas Jefferson situation that’s happened with house elves? You know it almost has to have happened at some point.

Anyway, Dobby indirectly insults his masters, and has to punish himself.

This is screwball comedy, folks. We set up that noise can’t be made, and then uncontrollable situations arise and everything done to prevent noise from being made goes comically wrong. Only here, there’s an elf.

Drunk white guys will also do this for no reason at all.

These are the correct hand motions.

Best reaction goes to Dudley.

Dobby says that he’s bound to one family forever. And if they knew he was here –

Yeah.

Snip snip.

Now’s a good time to reflect – house elves are technically the Black people of the wizarding world, socially-speaking. Someone just decided to put them in servitude for no reason and now they’re treated like shit in perpetuity and only the younger, more forward-thinking wizards are trying to change that. Since the wizarding world has been established to be practically medieval, this IS their civil rights issue.

Colin:

Dobby Unchained.

But Dobby had to warn Harry Potter not to go back to Hogwarts. People are plotting things.

Colin:

Elfdingo fights?

“What things? Who’s plotting them?”

What I want to know is — what kind of shitty ass arts and crafts skills do you have, Harry Potter? That Gryffindor pennant looks like it was made in a psych ward.

What would people think if they came across this room? How weird would a Gryffindor symbol be to the outside world? Can Harry just market this shit and make money because the muggle world doesn’t know about it?

Oh, but yeah… what things…who’s plotting?

“Motherfucker, I can’t tell you! Will you just listen!?”

His feet are eerily similar to human feet and it’s creeping me the fuck out.

This facial expression makes me so happy.

*record scratch*

“That’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up here…”

If I had a nickel…

“What the FUCK are you doing in here?”

Richard Griffiths has the best facial expressions.

(Also, that’s totally an, “Inconceivable!” face.)

That’s kind of like the Emancipation Proclamation.

Oh, so it’s like that, you freaky little elf.

Harry says he has to go back to Hogwarts. He has friends there.

“Friends who don’t even write to Harry Potter…?”

“Motherfucker, what did you do?”

“You see – what had happened was…”

“Now now… Harry Potter mustn’t be angry with Dobby…”

AKA “We didn’t means to hurt master, Precious.”

Oh, wait… wrong franchise.

Looking around for escape routes. Remember, YOU CAN DO MAGIC.

SMOKE BOMB!

Oh, he’s just got the letters. Wouldn’t a smoke bomb have been awesome, though?

That’s a bitch move, Dobby.

This is kind of like the Bond fight with Nick Nack in Man with the Golden Gun.

Why is there a picture of Richard Kind on the wall?

Who the fuck doesn’t hear them barreling down the stairs in the next room?

Now this is a nice shot. This harkens back to the days of Buster Keaton – comedy through shot composition.

“Oh, Imma fuck your day up PROPER now.”

“Don’t you fucking dare.”

“Nah, son. I gotta.”

I snap fireworks, motherfucker.

Just like in the Franco-Prussian War.

“Now say you’re not going back to Hogwarts. SAY IT!”

Dude, just say it. Lie now, take it back later. What weight does saying it even carry?

“All right. Remember — you did this.”

“Get the fuck out my way.”

Framing.

For those keeping track — that was a triple pun up there.

I know some of you didn’t catch it.

Don’t worry. My back’s not lonely.

Colin:

This shot looks to me like the alien ship floating over the White House in Independence Day. So you know what’s gonna happen.

Jeff Goldblum’s gonna give it a cold?

“Now I know what it looks like…”

Also, if you didn’t run into the room, then absolutely no one would have any inkling that it was you. I mean, sure, they’d blame you, but who cares. Sounds like they blame you for everything anyway.

And boom goes the dynamite.

She just won a Teen Choice Award.

Why do all movie cakes look like jizz paint when they break? That cake did not look like that a second ago.

That looks like somebody exploded Ivan Ooze.

“I will never forgive you for this. I hope you get stabbed in the house of your masters and die on a beach.”

“Peace!”

If they paint a portrait of Dobby, does he get to come back? Can they do holograms? I’d love a hologram Dobby like hologram Tupac.

He’d probably get stabbed again.

Colin:

Where’d you get the adamantium ladder, Vernon? Also, great fucking plan, putting metal bars on the wizard’s window. I hear metal bars stop magic forever.

We call those Hood Windows.

Radcliffe does a lot of glaring in these movies, doesn’t he?

You could also just run out the front door right now and they couldn’t catch you.

‘Which Owl?” Really?

Is that an autobiography of The Hoo? About the period where they wrote “Hoo Are You”?

Hoo’s next.

I DON’T FEEL SHAME.

Okay, one more…

They call him The Seeker.

Okay, now I’m done.

What’s Voldemort doing during all of this? We don’t actually see what he’s doing for another two movies.

♫ “Somewhere, out there…” ♫

♫ “Beneath the pale moonlight…” ♫

Jesus, this motherfucker REALLY likes owls, doesn’t he?

That’s actually pretty terrifying, magic or no magic.

“Marty, you gotta come with me!”

Oh, wait… wrong franchise.

Colin:

“I hope, tonight, while you’re sleeping… you get hit by a car.”

I didn’t know that was a LEGITIMATE possibility, though!

That phrase stems from a time my sophomore year when Colin was playing NFL Blitz with a friend of ours, and Colin ended up winning in overtime or something, on the last play of the game, despite being down for the majority of it. I remember some crazy 80 yard play right with laterals as time expired. And the one insult the guy could come up with was in his rage was, “I hope, tonight, while you’re sleeping, you get hit by a car.” And it was hilarious. Because it is hilarious. And that’s now one of my favorite insults to use on people.

“Oh shit, it’s the police!”

“I can’t be here. I got priors.”

Technically that’s not drinking and driving if the car flies, right?

Colin:

This is a Ford Anglia (probably not stock, from the look of it) from the early 60s. One was briefly featured in Dr. No, as the car Strangways was getting into when he was murdered.

I feel like this is gonna be one of those things they mention in my obituary… “(blank) was the type of car he was getting into when he was murdered.”

There are two types of shots in this franchise that happen a lot — shots of Daniel Radcliffe glaring, and shots where Daniel Radcliffe looks borderline disabled. The answer to this one is yes.

Remember that scene in Brokeback Mountain?

I like how he knows it’s a prison break immediately.

Wouldn’t it be funny — “Nah, we just came to say hi. We’re on our way up to Hermione’s — she’s got a keg, some of her muggle friends are coming over. We’re gonna have a GOOD time. Have fun with your owl books!” *VROOM*

Uh oh – shit just got real.

Where does one get a winch when you live in a burrow?

Just like with my cousin Ray Ray.

♫ “Eastbound and down…” ♫

Hood Windows and Hood Doors.

I’d make a joke, but this is pretty awesome.

Two movies later, I don’t think he fits through that door.

This whole situation is weird. They hate him, and want no part of him, but they also definitely don’t want him going to that magical school. Fucking let him go if he’s gonna go. I don’t get it. Are they getting some kind of money having him in the house? Is that it? Dumbledore slipping them some money under the table? Because I don’t see what the problem is. Once he’s gone, he’s the magic people’s problem.

Colin:

Girthquake!

I love that they made it a point to randomly have that bed of branches and shit down there for him to land on. Check out the wide shot as he’s putting in the Hood Windows. It makes NO sense that he has that there. It’s a complete eyesore in the garden. It’s there entirely for someone to fall into.

Colin:

I’d do that on purpose. When I have a house, there’s gonna be soft shit under all the windows. Or I’ll dig a trench, fill it in with those soft gym cushions for pole vaults and then cover those with sod so it looks like a normal patch of grass. Then, when I’m entertaining guests in the manly study on the third floor, I can open the window and jump. They’ll be freaked the fuck out. Tally ho.

“Bye bye, bitch!”

It’s funny because he’s just gonna have to go back there next year.

You okay there, Ron?

I like how George (or is it Fred?) is completely collected here. That’s ice-in-your-veins, getaway driver shit.

There’s a very weird lack of delineation between the magical world and the non-magical world. This is apparently some field in the middle of nowhere. But apparently there’s no muggles around here for miles.

If not for the Floo network, what would Arthur’s commute be like each day?

Why’d they move to the one place where there’s a swamp?

This is where the Weasleys live.

Colin:

Where they went, they really didn’t need any roads.

That house looks like the place in animated movies where the child goes to hang out with their kooky uncles.

This shot could have been lifted from Babe and you’d never know.

Yeah, sneaking in! Love that. Bit late in the morning, though, don’t you think? Based on where their houses are supposed to be, it’s about a three-hour drive between them. Now, if you’re flying, I imagine that goes by a bit faster. Even if you overestimate, it still shouldn’t have taken more than two hours to get there. Which means that unless they went joyriding in the flying car (which is a safe assumption), they picked him up at like, 4am. Probably would have been better for them to arrive home at like 4 am and then have Molly show up, pissed. But hey, this is before they cared about such things in this franchise.

That’s pretty cool. Lotta pipes going on there, though.

Do they have tracking devices in their forearm or something?

Colin:

Yeah, this bugged me, even when I read it in the books. What the fuck is with this Patriot Act clock?

What happened to Bill’s place on that clock? Did they add in a ‘Romania’ section? Or did they just snap him off once he moved out?

Magic is awesome.

“Where the fuck were all of you!?”

People being scared into silence while eating scones is the best type of reaction.

“Harry!”

“Where the fuck were all of you?!”

This is EXACTLY what it’s like being at other people’s houses. Spot on.

“They were starving him, Mum! They put bars on his window. Almost cut off his balls!”

“Well you wait and see what I do to YOUR balls, Ronald Weasley.”

Best moment in the film.

Colin:

Wild GINNY appeared!

“Mummy, have you seen my jumper?”

“Hello.”

Colin:

HARRY used BAIT!

Colin:

Wild GINNY is watching!

Colin:

Wild GINNY ran!

Next time, try throwing a rock. You didn’t have a Chansey with this one.

He just says throw a rock because he’s still bitter about Cho.

“What the fuck was that about?”

“Ginny… she’s been talking about you all summer. Something about… jackin’ the beanstalk.”

Welcome home, Arthur Weasley.

Colin:

“Dad loves muggles. Thinks they’re fascinating.” This has that same feeling of a white person going to study pygmies in Africa. Notice how they never smile for the camera. “Oh, you think we’re fascinating? Fuck you, sir.”

Which brings up an interesting point — what do magical Africans do?

Colin:

They’re called “Magical Negroes,” Mike.

Gotta love a guy with this disposition. You can never say anything about him because he has what, six kids? Seven? That’s the Irish, son.

Colin:

It just occurred to me that both Mr. and Mrs. Weasley have red hair. Was that like, they were at Hogwarts together and fell in love as the only gingers around? Or does Mr. Weasley have a fetish for red hair? How often do you see two of them at once, let alone MARRIED to one another? It must be a sexual thing. “Yeah, I love muggles! Also, pale women with freckles. Ginger dolls for ginger balls!”

I think you hit on a potential conspiracy — how come you never really see two gingers in the same place at the same time?

Or, they are basically treated as the country bumpkins of the wizarding world. Maybe it’s incest. Or maybe the author is just really simple in her characterizations and thought it would be funny to go all the way up to the point where they also have a big red dog named Clifford.

“Who the fuck are you? We don’t have another son, do we?”

“I’m Harry Potter.”

“You are? Good lord.”

Then, he acts like a BAMF.

“Oh, Ron’s told us all about you. When did he get here?”

Arthur don’t give no fuck. He’s cool with everything.

“This morning. YOUR sons stole the car and drove it across the country last night.”

Procreation responsibility is always assigned when the kids do something bad.

“Really? That’s awesome.”

“I mean – that was a real fucked up thing to do, boys.”

One of the best characters in the franchise.

Mail’s here.

(Percy looks like Andrew Garfield’s non-famous brother.)

Missed it by THAT much.

Colin:

That owl’s flying like it just had sex with a condor.

Three Lays of the Condor.

That’s the Jynx of owls.

This is a nice subtle moment – they sent all their Hogwarts letters, including Harry’s. Dumbledore knows he’s there even though he only got there like twenty minutes ago.

Colin:

So you gotta figure they’re keeping a very good eye on Harry all summer. I suppose he knew that Harry was locked in his room all summer? That they’d barred his windows? That his mail was being stolen? But that builds character, we’ll let him go through that bullshit til the semester starts.

Technically they do have good reason to leave him there — that house is protected until he’s 17. So he’s actually safer there than he is somewhere else. I’ll give Dumbledore a pass from the Asshole Train for that one. (He doesn’t get many — but that’s one.)

“There’s only one place we’re gonna get all of this –”

Chinatown.

“Diagon Alley.”

She says it like there’s so many other places to choose from to get shit. Do people really not know where they’re gonna go at this point?

Colin:

I just had the idea of, “What if a bezoar was a date rape drug?” and then thought, “What about date rape drugs in the wizarding world?” You know they exist. Maybe we should ask the Half-Blood Prince about it. I bet he’s done some dabbling into that stuff. Trying to get with Lily and all…

Colin:

The date rape drug isn’t a drug. It’s three spells in a very specific order: Stupefy, Petrificus Totalus, and Levicorpus for that mid-air action. (And Alohomora in the event of a chastity belt.)

I’m not the date rape-y type, but I just wanted to point out that by the third book, Rowling’s given them all the necessary tools. I don’t approve.

They’re gonna get the floo.

Harry’s never had a floo shot before, so Ron’s gonna go first to show him.

I love that they don’t have an adult go first to show them. You know, so they can collect the kids when they come out the other side. Let’s send Ron. He’s expendable.

“Madame Tsin’s Happy Ending Palace!”

That is the proper reaction. Maybe tell the kid it’s gonna look like Ron was just set on fire.

Colin:

And now that we’re getting to the Floo Network — this and portkeys were just ways of moving around while Harry couldn’t apparate. Honestly, if you’re outside of Hogwarts and you knew how to apparate, why would you EVER use the Floo Network or a portkey, let alone a broom? You wouldn’t even need to send an owl to someone because being able to apparate means that literally anywhere is basically in the next room. 

“Harry! Why must you always apparate when Ron and I are having sex?”
“Because it’s funny to me.”

It’s occurred to me that floo powder must be a lower class form of traveling. I mean, you’re essentially being shot through a fireplace. They all look dirty afterwards and are covered in ash. I imagine someone comes in through the fireplace, you think, “Oh, there’s some poor fucker who can’t afford a portkey,” right? Luicius Malfoy isn’t traveling by fireplace. He’s apparating with his little black smoke mist shit.

We only ever see the Weasleys use floo powder, don’t we? They use a portkey in Goblet of Fire, but that’s because it’s a plot device to set up the climax and because it’s a big deal. They’re going to the game and it’s like a big vacation thing, spending all that money, using the giant live-in tent and shit. But even so, these seem to be the primary methods of instantaneous travel, right? Apparating, portkey and floo powder. And whatever kind of fireplace system the Ministry uses. That Portafloo system. But – that’s the deal, right? Floo means poor?

Colin:

Not necessarily. We see at the Ministry of Magic in later films that there are people coming and going by the dozen through a series of fireplaces. What I’m getting at is, why?

You, but if you notice, that’s a very intricate system of fireplaces. They don’t use powder, they just zip them up. So they’re kind of Floo-evators, if anything. A much more advanced system. Regular poor people get dirt on them. So maybe the Weasleys just can’t afford the good floo system.

“Well, you saw it once, now you should be able to do it.”

Colin:

“Don’t move til you’re numb.”

All he’s gotta do is speak VERY clearly. Which — why? Is this like talking to the automated customer service machines? “I’m sorry, I did not understand what you were saying. Could you repeat that?”

Only Harry says “Diagonelly” instead.

YOU HAD ONE JOB!

Colin:

Holy shit. In the book, Harry messed up the words “Diagon Alley” because he threw the powder too fast and the fire got in his mouth. This time, he just messed up the words, decided, “fuck it,” and just threw the powder anyway. I think someone who’d had a stroke — no, I bet someone HAVING a stroke could have said it better. “Diaga Nelly?” The fuck is that shit?

So Harry ends up here:

I like that he comes out horizontal. That’s a nice touch.

And here we already see them setting up yet ANOTHER reference to the first movie. But that’ll come later.

This looks like the storage locker in Silence of the Lambs.

Gee, I wonder what’s gonna happen now?

Colin:

Whose hand is THAT? Can you imagine the amount of lotion they must have gone through? 

You know, for beating off.

If Tim Burton directed these, this would have been in movie one.

How come he never got an Oscar for this?

Why is nobody manning this store?

A store that weird with no one in front means it’s either a front for some place or… no, that’s pretty much it. They’re having animagus fights in the back for sure.

Are those lesbians behind him? Do the lesbians have to hide in this part of town? That’s fucked up. Let them live.

Why do the floors of the alleyway look like Tombstone?

Is this the Red Light District?

Do people always naturally swarm upon a young boy like that?

Colin:

These people are all looking at him like he’s a big sack of free organs.

Just once, I want to describe someone as a “big sack of free organs.”

He’s gonna wake up in a crackhouse (what is the wizarding world equivalent of crack? Is it still freebase if you have a cauldron?) in a bathtub, on ice. Crackheads walking around.

Have we mentioned yet how fucking FORTUNATE he was to end up at the place NEXT DOOR to the place he needed to be? Motherfucker could have ended up in the Philippines for all he knew. Fortunately the magical world is like, three feet wide, so he’s gonna end up in one of four places no matter what.

“Harry?”

“What are you doing down here?”

(He really was here for the gang bang.)

Nice reaction.

The real question is – what are YOU doing down here?”

Also, Hagrid’s line is exactly what he says to Harry as he goes to die. So there’s that.

I love how they’re all suddenly ashamed or something. They’re like that ghost in Mario. When you look at it, it’s cool, but otherwise, it’s trying to kill you.

That sounds nothing like “Diagonelly.”

I love the blood/rust on the finger. That’s a nice touch.

I love that the first line of this scene is, “You’re a mess, Harry.”

I think this is an intervention. Hagrid saw something was wrong when everyone knew Harry in the bar. Then Harry ended up in the hospital a bunch that first year… it’s becoming a problem.

Harry finally asks what the fuck Hagrid was doing down there. Hagrid says he was looking for flesh-eating slug repellant. “They’re eating all the school’s cabbages.”

Colin:

Something like that would affect anyone with cabbages, right? So wouldn’t that be in like, Home Depot or Ace Hardware, or whatever they have in magic London? Apparently anyone with a pest problem in their garden has to go to the shop that sells pickled heads and fleshlights made of real flesh.

Also, why would something that eats flesh in its name be eating cabbages?

Flesh-Eating Slugs:

We’re trying to eat healthier. Beach season is coming.

What I’m curious about is — how convenient is it that he ended up at the place right next to where he needed to go despite saying something that sounded like neither place?

And then also the fact that you gotta go to the seedy place to get something that seems like it should be basic home stuff.

“Uh huh.”

I forget they set up the red Hagrring this early.

Oh shit – Hermione’s back. (In golf clothes, apparently.)

Colin:

Birds. Dirty, disgusting, filthy, lice-ridden birds. You used to be able to sit out on the stoop like a person. Not anymore. No sir! Birds. You get my drift?

That would be the “Tokyo drift,” wouldn’t it? (Colin lived in Tokyo when we wrote these.)

“Oh, so good to see you!”

This is the interaction you have when there’s loads of sexual tension, maybe you hooked up once, but you’re not sure how the other person feels about it so you don’t know what to say to them when you unexpectedly see them in public around people.

You all know what I’m talking about, too.

She fixes his glasses again.

This movie references the weirdest shit. Can’t remember what the fuck the names of other students are, but we know “Oculus Repairo.”

Colin:

Point of procedure — it’s not time for school yet, and they’re not on school grounds. Isn’t Hermione forbidden from using magic? Wasn’t that how that went? Or is Diagon Alley always kosher? I guess I don’t get how this works. Or maybe Rowling doesn’t get how this works. As far as I knew, if you broke your glasses on summer break, you took your shiftless, lazy ass to Lenscrafters.

I guess it’s just not in the presence of muggles? But then, I’m sure the Weasleys would get expelled too if they used magic, since it’s called “underage magic.” Hermione should actually be suspended at the moment. Maybe they just sort of let that stuff go unless they hear about it, and since Harry is public enemy #1 by that point when the Dementor attacks, they were keeping FBI tabs on him, so they knew about it.

“Now’s a good time for me to be going…”

Colin:

This killed me, cause Hagrid’s making this face:

“Bye… all right, now… see you later, Hagrid… we’re just gonna talk a little longer and I’ll be along shortly…”

Yuh huh… classic behavior. Everybody knows it. We’ve all been there.

He stole my book title. First Channing Tatum, now this…

“Oh, Harry. We were worried sick about you.”

But not enough to actually go looking for him, right?

And it’s time to introduce Gilderoy Lockhart.

P.S. That sign back there that says Dark Arts looked a lot like Dork Hats when I glanced at it. And that amused me.

It also made me notice how fucked up that other sign next to it is. Basically pointing the House Elves to the back of the shop.

That’s what that house elves sign looks like to me, and it’s fucked up. Don’t forget how secretly racist this society is. Some people are open about it, like the Malfoys, but otherwise they’re just straight up allowing slavery to happen even in the 90s (or I guess 2000s, based on when the films seemingly take place).

Let’s just get glamour shots of Kenneth Branagh.

Oh yeah, that’s the stuff.

Work that camera, Ken.

Spoil sport.

They actually look like filthy peasants here.

Because this is how celebrity culture works.

“You’re gonna get laid tonight because of this.”

“See?”

Reaction shots are the key to comedy.

Great shot.

Malfoy is excessively great at brooding in this franchise.

They don’t wash their faces at all before they walk in there? Working class pride, sort of thing? I can fucks with that.

Colin:

Seriously, though. What do wizards do for a living? It must be a 100% service economy, cause they don’t have any physical labor or manufacturing that needs doing. The Weasleys are dirty, poor and from the north of England, so you’d expect that they’d work in a foundry or something, but none of that shit is necessary. Mrs. Weasley doesn’t even have to wash her own dishes or knit for herself. AND THERE’S STILL SLAVES! HOW ARE THERE STILL JOBS FOR PEOPLE?

Isn’t it also great that not only do they live on a farm, but the father has a government job?

Lockhart gives him all his books for free.

Right, because he can’t afford it on his own…

P.S. What’s with Ethnic Rob Schneider back there?

Oh, and this next bit is GREAT, by the way:

Draco’s got the best timing of all of them.

Really curious what was on that page though that he felt he needed to tear it out.

I lso really want to know how these signs work. They’re just casually pointing to shelves where the books are messily strewn about. How does one find anything without one of those ‘book Ollivanders’ to find things? (What are those called again?)

“Potter!”

I love that we all can hear him saying that in our heads.

Right, though?

“Hello, Newman.”

“Leave him alone.”

Damn, she’s got some fight in her, I’ll give her that.

“Oh look, Potter, you’ve got yourself a girlfriend.”

Draco was right.

You know, for someone as evil as Lucius Malfoy is, being introduced to him via a pimp cane tap on the shoulder is pretty badass.

Oh shit, it’s Colonel Tavington!

(Don’t even act like you all didn’t have that SAME thought when you watched the movie for the first time.)

I love Jason Isaac’s screen presence. He just exudes evil. It’s great. He needs no character development at all. The Patriot was his character development.

Well, he shook his hand, so there’s some civility there.

“Your scar is legendary.”

Are you allowed to just grab a kid like that?

Colin:

Money helps. Ask Polanski.

It looks like he has a hook for a hand.

Which, he did play Captain Hook right after this movie.

“As is the wizard who gave it to you.”

That’s like casually dropping references to Hitler ten years after the Reich folded. We get it, you’re a Nazi.

Subtle. Real subtle.

“Voldemort killed my parents.”

Why does Hermione not seem to give a shit about what’s going on?

Hemione: “Who is this asshole?”

Ginny: “Oh, Imma fuck this dude up.”

Malfoy: “I probably would.”

Ron: ♫ “I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts…” ♫

Lucius says Harry must be very brave to mention Voldemort’s name. Or very foolish.

I almost had a problem with this, but then I decided it was okay. I was gonna go back to the whole, “Why is everyone afraid to say his name?” thing, but then, thinking about where Malfoy was coming from, it makes perfect sense for him to say it the way he does. But still, though, it’s weird that the dude’s name instills such fear. I guess because there’s the possibility that he can come back, and that’s what makes them afraid. If he were dead, they’d just be making jokes about him and shit. Like Hitler.

Colin:

That’s our cue to start scouring the earth for Hitler’s horcruxes.

“Fear of a name only increases fear of a thing itself.” – Lil Kim

Colin:

“You sad little boy! Make sucky sucky on great leader!” – Lil Kim Jong-Un

Could have sworn that one was Gandhi.

“Who is this peasant?”

“Yes, Draco’s told me all about you… and your parents.”

You’d think she was a Ewell or something. Gotta go buy some Chiffa robes at Diagonelly.

Whoa… when did we go all canted angle up in here? The Maltese Mudblood.

(Yes, I’m aware Maltese Falcon doesn’t do canted angles. But The Third Mudblood wasn’t as immediately recognizable a reference and I am willing to live with my choices.)

Also, look at these shots…

Tacky, yet brilliant.

Are those supposed to be her parents? Are they just allowed in Diagon Alley like that? Doesn’t that go against the entire purpose of separate worlds? These first two movies are doing hell to the continuity.

Colin:

Wait, is that what that was? Those are her parents? And they’re just chilling here? No! That’s not how this shit works! 

They make them look like boring white people, too. Almost enough to make me wonder why that woman is wearing a fez in the foreground.

Though her dad does look like if you combined Mr. Rogers, Gregory Peck and a little bit of Robert Mitchum.

Lucius does the same thing his son did – “red hair, vacant expression, tattered, second-hand book – you must be a Weasley.” Which, it seems like red hair is really the only deciding factor in this decision. Because I went to college – second-hand books are the way to go.

Colin:

You have to think that at some point, Lucius sat down with Draco and tutored him on how to identify poor wizards by name. Hopefully there were pictures and diagrams and shit.

I hope it was a TED Talk.

Arthur what is with that hat? Seriously, man.

She’s about to black out and wake up over a pile of bodies.

They get into one of those civil fights, where they’re talking all chill like but everything they say is dripping in “I fucking hate your guts.”

Mostly I’m wondering why they wouldn’t, you know, wipe the soot off themselves before they went shopping.

Aww shit, son… dude just set the plot in MOTION.

Which — why does he randomly have a horcrux, again? Why is he just walking around with it and doing whatever he wants? Does he know what it is and what it can do? And if so, how come he doesn’t actively go out looking for Voldemort? Since Voldemort says something to him in the fourth movie about how no one, ‘not even you, Lucius’, came looking for him. I mean, I get why Malfoy didn’t go looking for him, but why does he randomly put a horcrux in her cauldron like that? None of this makes any sense.

Wait… was Malfoy entrusted with this journal? Was he writing in it and talking to Voldermort all this time?

And Harry notices, too! And yet… isn’t at all suspicious later in the movie when it randomly shows up?

That is a very bad insert for suspension of disbelief.

“See you at school.”

I don’t know what the fuck that was, but it was amazing. Seriously, watch that regular speed. It’s great.

Colin:

Malfoy makes all of this worth it. I have a lot of complaints about the acting in these films, mostly cause it’s all kids, but Tom Felton knows how to look like a prick. I saw an interview with him where they asked about the differences between him and his character, and what house he’d really like to be sorted into, and he was like, “Are you fucking kidding? Isn’t it still understood that Slytherin is the best?”

They just parked their magical car in the taxi zone.

Like Home Alone – they’re rushing to catch the train.

Colin:

YOU SHALL NOT PASS!

Oh, wait… wrong franchise.

Well Hedwig just suffered a major brain injury.

Speaking of which — do you know what it’s called when a dolphin suffers repeated traumatic brain injuries? CTEeEeEeEeEeE.

Now, what I don’t understand about this — why are Harry and Ron the last ones to go in? Floo powder, Ron goes first and Harry goes second, no parental supervision on the other end. Here, Fred, George and Percy go first (all at least a year older than Ron and Harry and have done this at least twice now), then Molly and Arthur help Ginny go through (they didn’t help Ron last year) and shepherd her onto the train. And they just leave Harry and Ron to their own devices. There’s really no rhyme or reason for the order they use to go places. You’d think they’d have everyone go and take Ginny last. It makes no sense at all.

Colin:

What makes even less sense is that out of the several hundred people that were going onto this platform, Harry and Ron happened to be the last two. Cause you know if they’d gotten there 15 minutes early and the barrier had been closed, people would have kept showing up and someone would’ve gotten to the bottom of it. But no, they’re the last two. How convenient. 

“I don’t know either, man.”

That’s not J.K. Rowling, is it?

Colin:

Wow, is it? Blue is NOT her color.

The gateway randomly closed. Now you’re just two idiots feeling up a brick wall.

Oh… you’re fucked.

Unless…

When this thing hits 88 feet, you’re gonna see some serious shit.

This is every image of Driver’s Ed.

So you can get to the school however you want? The train is just the most efficient (and I’m assuming, cheapest) way to get there? Because take the fucking car EVERY time.

“Dude, first his forehead starts shooting lightning bolts at me and then all of a sudden I’m flying from inside a cage. I gotta lay off the shrooms.”

So does he know where he’s going or are we just winging it based on the general direction the train goes?

Where did Arthur and Molly go? They don’t go on the train, do they? They just go to the magical side of the platform to drop the kids off. Where do they go after that? Back through the barrier? Maybe just drive the kids after you come back.

Mostly what I’m getting at is — the train can’t have that big a head start on them, can it? This looks like they’ve been flying around for an hour trying to find this thing.

This is totally Scotland. I love these exterior shots of the country.

G–guess what I love. Guys, guess what I love.

So that’s where Wahlberg modeled his Happening face from.

I can only imagine what Hedwig is seeing right now. And also why they thought this was a good idea to put in the movie. What an unbelievably childish shot.

Driver’s license photo.

Colin:

How could you not see the fucking Hogwarts Express right behind you?

Tyrone:

It was a funny Anglia!

Four horcruxes and a briefcase.

So does the conductor not see this and stop the train or are we just to assume the train is powered by magic? Because the Knight Bus has a driver, so why would this train not have one? People have to have some kind of jobs in this world, don’t they?

Dude, maybe learn to control the car a little better. I know you’re 12, but it’s not that hard.

No seatbelts, no locks on the door. Have you ever been in car before?

Jesus, Ron. Get it together.

Seriously, how do you not lock a fucking door?

Presumably there are people on this train who know magic and can help them, right?

He’s telling him to simultaneously “Hold on!” and “Grab my hand!” Pick one, motherfucker.

“So, that… got a little weird back there.”

“I don’t think we’ll be mentioning that again.”

“Yeah… yeah.”

So as we’re about to learn, the car is sentient to a degree. So why is the car not doing most of the work here?

“Well… I’m back.”

Oh, wait… wrong franchise.

This is my “flirting” face.

Of course the car picks now to not work. They don’t even say that it’s out of gas or anything (it’s enchanted) — it just… stops working. Which makes no sense at all and is really convenient. If it did that shit five minutes ago, they’d be dead.

You broke your wand. That shit chose you, man.

It chose you.

Colin:

Shouldn’t they have like…training wands, or something? I got glasses when I was 11, and I went through like four pairs in the first year. Lost three, broke one. Since then, I never broke or lost any glasses. Moral of the story? 11 year olds can’t be trusted with shit that’s supposed to last.

What if no other wands want to choose him? Does he not get another one? Maybe that’s why Quirrell didn’t have one in the last movie. It is funny to think that wands choose you and that theoretically none could, and then you’d be fucked. Proper fucked.

Colin:

Before ze Germans get there.

Watch out for that tree!

(Technically not a franchise. Just a reference.)

Colin:

Octopussy?

I hate that that’s almost not a joke.

Well that’s one place to land.

“Good thing the murder tree broke our fall.”

That ain’t no regular tree – that’s a Whomping Willow. And it’s about to Whomp Yo Ass!

Colin:

In case you were wondering, the Whomping Willow’s dick just bust through the rear windshield.

But actually, though.

It’s like a chestburster but with a tree dick.

Somebody write a review of anything I do with that exact sentence.

Certainly gives “being sapped” a whole new meaning.

In my TV series version of these books, I’d totally have a character who, whenever they walked by the tree, always randomly got hit in the fucking face by one of the branches. Only them. That shit would be hilarious.

That’s a very specialized version of a glory hole.

I love that. The car just throws them the fuck out.

Colin:

Fuck yo luggage! Get yo trunk out my trunk!

Nice job, car.

At least you gave them their shit. Nicer than they treated you, honestly.

Colin:

Ghost ridin’ the whip.

Maybe it’s a Third Man thing, but this is consistently one of my favorite shots in all of cinema whenever people do it. Not that it’s done all that often.

Not even Hagrid sitting there, eating soup, wondering, “The fuck was that”?

How do they know whose shit is whose?

Did somebody tell Rupert Grint that “bigger is better” for this movie?

Colin:

Can we talk about how great Filch is? He looks like they pulled him straight out of a Revolutionary War era period piece in which he was a Tory getting ready to tar and feather a motherfucker. You gotta wonder why Dumbledore was so generous to this awful fucking squib.

Which, squib is totally the “Jew” of the wizarding world in that it’s the actual word for what that person is and simultaneously a heinous slur for those people if your inflection is slightly off.

He’s the Renfield of Hogwarts.

I love how in England they say what type of car it is. In America that shit wouldn’t show up until at least the second paragraph.

Snape snipes at them about how they were seen by muggles and “have risked the exposure of our world!”

MOTHERFUCKER YOU HAD MUGGLES IN DIAGON ALLEY!

Seriously… consistency is all I ask. I don’t need logic, just, consistency.

Colin:

You expose the wizarding world on a daily fuck basis by fucking muggles and having magical children born to Muggles and all that shit. This is crap.

If you’re a potions master, do you just mix shit in your spare time? We never really see just how good Snape is at this stuff. We only get hints at it through a textbook from years ago.

He says that if it were his decision, they’d be expelled right the fuck now.

“As it is –”

(Nice lighting.)

“They are not.”

AKA, I’m everywhere at once, motherfucker.

“Professor Dumbledore.”

“Professor McGonagall.”

Torn between whether or not that’s bad exposition or acceptable exposition. Certainly not gonna get Exceeds Expectations, I’ll tell you that.

Fucking tattletale.

“These motherfuckers broke the bylaws for underage magic!”

“I’m quite aware of the bylaws, Severus –”

“Having written quite a few of them myself.”

“Motherfucker.”

That’s right, shut it down. You just got “the look.”

“Thought so… Now… you two — you fucked up.”

Did they, though? The car was already magic. They didn’t use spells or anything. This is more like a “talking to” offense.

“We’ll get our stuff, then.”

“What are you talking about, Mr. Weasley?”

“You’re going to expel us, aren’t you?”

Look at this look – this look kills me. It’s that, “Do you really think I’m some heartless woman?” look.

“Not today, Mr. Weasley. …but seriously, you guys did fuck up.”

“I’ll be writing to your families tonight…”

Well that’s a one-sided punishment, isn’t it?

Also, don’t you think they know already, given the fact that the FUCKING CAR WAS MISSING? And, you know, was all over the papers?

And she just sends them off, like that.

“You lucky motherfuckers.”

This is where we’ll END PART I.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow we continue with howlers, mudbloods, parseltongue, “the Chamber of Secrets has been opened,” and other things that sound like euphemisms for vaginas.

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

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