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Fun with Franchises: Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002), Part I — “Dobby Unchained”

Today we continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin (whose blog is TokyoRemix.com. Fuck yeah, promotion!), who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Harry Potter franchise, and today is the first part of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets - Title Card

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets - Warner Bros. Logo

“You’ve got movies!”

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We open in the sky, and after an unnecessarily complicated crane shot, end up at –

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Privet Drive.

It would be weird if we ended up any place else.

(“Mayberry? What are we doing here? Oh, Sheriff Andy!”)

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At least he has a room now. Is it because he knows magic now? Or because he got to go to school they figured they have to treat him like a real person?

Did he get to go to school before Hogwarts? Or did they really just keep him in the fucking cupboard all that time?

Which, speaking of facially deformed children being kept in cupboards — did Chip and the other cups get schooling in Beauty and the Beast? That must be weird, to be an infant and then all of a sudden be a cup.

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Aww…they’re dead.

That baby also looks like one of the main characters of Trainspotting.

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That’s the same shot you use when he’s cutting letters out of magazines to make ransom notes.

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So apparently nothing has changed since the end of the last movie.

Well, I guess Harry has a bedroom now.

Still obsessing over his dead parents, though.

It’s weird to me that he’d be doing nothing but looking at that photo. Dude, you’re 12. Jerk off. Are you seriously spending the summer in your new room just looking at that photo and thinking, “I wonder what things would be like if they weren’t dead?” You keep doing that and you’ll be joining them before you know it.

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Hedwig wants to get the fuck out.

That’s what happens when you go off the smack.

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Petunia’s much more civil to him now. What happened there?

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Unc V’s not.

He tells Harry to control that fucking bird. Harry says she (show of hands – who knew Hedwig was a girl owl?) just needs to get out for a while. (Down to the corner to chase that dragon, baby.)

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Unc V says fuck that. He’ll send messages to his magic people.

I love the assumption that magic people can’t randomly ring his fucking doorbell. Or that those messages are going to impact you in any way.

Though wouldn’t it be funny if you opened your door one day and there were people standing at it with wands to rob you?

The Strangers — Harry Potter style.

I want to see people show up, wands-raised, “Everybody get on the fucking ground right now!”

Is there like, low level Azkaban for people who rob shit? What’s wizarding county like?

Rio Bravo — Harry Potter style.

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But Harry hasn’t gotten any messages. From anyone. All summer.

Aww.

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How to Be a Dick, Just Because.

(I love how Unc V is looking the other way. He’d make a great New York City policeman.)

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Unc V thinks Harry should be grateful – they’ve raised him since he was a baby. They’ve given him Dudley’s second bedroom, for Christ’s sake! Where’s his sainthood?

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But anyway – some business associate and his family are coming and Unc V has everyone prepared.

They better not fuck up the second verse of “So Long, Farewell,” like they did in rehearsal.

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Petunia will be waiting to welcome them graciously into their home.

More places should be like that. Like whorehouses. Wouldn’t it be great if there was a hostess who welcomed you in like that? Or like, strip clubs. “Welcome to our humble abode. Destiny is about to finish and Roxy goes on next. Can I take your coat and get you a drink or a blowjob?”

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Dudley’s gonna open the door for them.

With that Hitler cut he’s got going on there.

That bowtie is sharp, though. “Paging Mr. Herman. Mr. Herman, you have a telephone call at the front desk.”

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And Harry –

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He’ll be in his bedroom, making no noise and pretending he doesn’t exist.

This is what most of us do on a daily basis.

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Unc V tells Harry, “You fuck this up, I’ll kill you.”

He’s serious.

He shows him the knife.

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But back in Harry’s room –

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Speaking of showing the knife…

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Thank you, thank you. I’ll be here all week. Remember to tip your waitress.

(Also, picture a restaurant with cows as waitresses. That line just got twice as funny.)

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The great thing about this scene is that Harry is standing there, not knowing WHAT the fuck to do, and then –

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“Who the fuck are you?!”

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That’s Dobby, the house elf.

Colin:

For some reason, as a kid reading the books, I always envisioned Dobby being played by Tony Shalhoub.

I saw the first two movies before I ever read any of the books. Pretty sure I picked up all the books at some points between Azkaban and Goblet of Fire. I think I read “Azkaban” in like, ’03, since “Order of the Phoenix” came out in ’03, and that was the first book I specifically bought new right when it came out. Pretty sure I read “Azkaban” and “Goblet of Fire” and then retroactively went back to read the first two. And then Order of the Phoenix was the first movie I saw at a midnight showing. It’s weird how I never really started giving a shit about the franchise when everyone else did. So I never actually had any notions about casting or picturing actors of whatever. I think my biggest reaction about casting was when they said Helena Bonham Carter as Bellatrix, and I went, “Holy fuck, that’s perfect.”

I also like how you said “played by Tony Shalhoub” and not “voiced by Tony Shalhoub.” That’s a much better idea.

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Is that a dinosaur shadow on his dresser? Or is that supposed to be Dobby?

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Dobby doesn’t know where to begin, and Harry tells him to sit down and they can begin.

“Sit down?”

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“Oh, I know you ain’t say that shit to me. You just shamed my parents AND my grandparents. My aunt Denise would roll over in her grave if she heard your ass right now.”

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“What did I do? No, wait — don’t cry — I didn’t mean it!”

Note to future parents: This is what having a girl is like.

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Harry tries to talk him off the ledge, says he didn’t mean to offend him.

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Offended? Shit, no. Dobby’s thankful as shit. He’s never been asked to sit down by a wizard before.

Excuse me while I go SPEW. (Wacka wacka.)

Also, I’m just gonna throw this out there – what level do you think the instances of house elf rape is at in the wizarding world? You know it has to have happened.

Yeah… me too.

Anyway, Dobby indirectly insults his masters, and has to punish himself.

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This is screwball comedy, folks. We set up that noise can’t be made, and then uncontrollable situations arise and everything done to prevent noise from being made goes comically wrong. Only here, there’s an elf.

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Drunk white guys will also do this for no reason at all.

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These are the correct hand motions.

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Best reaction goes to Dudley.

(Also — always with the chocolates. Does anyone eat real food in this universe?)

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Dobby says that he’s bound to one family forever. And if they knew he was here –

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Yeah.

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Which – now’s a good time to reflect – house elves are technically the black people of the wizarding world, socially-speaking. Since the wizarding world has been established to be practically medieval, this IS their civil rights issue.

Colin:

Dobby Unchained.

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But Dobby had to warn Harry Potter not to go back to Hogwarts. People are plotting things.

Colin:

Elfdingo fights?

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“What things? Who’s plotting them?”

What I want to know is — what kind of shitty ass arts and crafts skills do you have, Harry Potter? That Gryffindor pennant you have looks like it was made in a psych ward.

What would people think if they came across this room? (I’m talking like, Amour style, if they had to bust down the doors. Since obviously no one is coming up normally.) How weird would a Gryffindor symbol be to the outside world? Can Harry just market this shit and make money because the muggle world doesn’t know about it?

Oh, but yeah… what things…who’s plotting?

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“Motherfucker, I can’t tell you! will you just listen!?”

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His feet are eerily similar to human feet and it’s creeping me the fuck out.

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This facial expression makes me so happy.

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If I had a nickel…

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Colin:

R. Kelly needs to get on THIS shit.

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“What the FUCK are you doing in here?”

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“You know… just jackin’ it.”

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Richard Griffiths has the best facial expressions.

(Also, that’s totally an, “Inconceivable!” face.)

Colin:

“Just jackin’ it? Why? Your dick is only this big!”

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Kind of like the Emancipation Proclamation.

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Oh, so it’s like that.

Harry says he has to go back to Hogwarts. He has friends there.

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“Friends who don’t even write to Harry Potter…?”

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“Motherfucker, what did you do?”

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“You see – what had happened was…”

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“Now now… Harry Potter mustn’t be angry with Dobby…”

Or, “We didn’t means to hurt master, Precious.”

Oh, wait… wrong franchise.

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Looking around for escape routes and shit. Remember, YOU CAN DO MAGIC.

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SMOKE BOMB!

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Oh, he’s just got the letters.

Wouldn’t a smoke bomb have been awesome, though?

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That’s a bitch move, Dobby.

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This is kind of like the Bond fight with Nick Nack.

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Jesus, who the fuck drew that picture on the wall, Temple Grandin?

Why is there a picture of Richard Kind on the wall, anyway?

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Who the fuck doesn’t hear them barreling down the stairs in the next room?

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Now this is a nice shot. This harkens back to the days of Buster Keaton – comedy through shot composition.

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“Oh, Imma fuck your day up PROPER now.”

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“Don’t you fucking dare.”

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“Nah, son. I gots to.”

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I snap fireworks, motherfucker.

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Just like in the Franco-Prussian War.

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“Now say you’re not going back to Hogwarts. SAY IT!”

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Dude, just say it. Lie now, take it back later.

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“All right, son. Remember — you did this.”

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“Get the fuck out my way.”

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Framing.

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For those keeping track — that was a triple pun up there.

I know some of you didn’t catch it.

Don’t worry. My back’s not lonely.

Colin:

This shot looks to me like the alien ship floating over the White House in Independence Day. So you know what’s gonna happen.

Jeff Goldblum’s gonna give it a cold?

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“Now I know what it looks like…”

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And boom goes the dynamite.

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She just won a Teen Choice Award.

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Why do all movie cakes look like jizz paint when they break? That cake did not look like that a second ago.

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“I will never forgive you for this. I hope you get stabbed in the house of your masters.”

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“Peace!”

If they paint a portrait of Dobby, does he get to come back?

Can they do holograms? I’d love a hologram Dobby like hologram Tupac.

He’d probably get stabbed again.

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Colin:

Where’d you get the adamantium ladder, fat ass? Also, great fucking plan, putting metal bars on the wizard’s window. I hear metal bars stop magic forever.

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We call those Hood Windows.

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Radcliffe does a lot of glaring in these movies, doesn’t he?

You could run out the front door right now and they couldn’t catch you.

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‘Which Owl?” Really?

Is that an autobiography of The Hoo?

About the period where they wrote “Hoo Are You”?

Hoo’s next.

I DON’T FEEL SHAME.

Okay, one more…

They call him The Seeker.

I’m done. Just had to pull one off the back wall. (Deep cut!)

(Though honestly, if you actually consider that a deep cut, you really need to start getting up on some music.)

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What’s Voldemort doing during all of this? We don’t actually see what he’s doing for another two movies.

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♫ “Some-where, out there…” ♫

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♫ “Beneath the PALE moon-light…” ♫

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Jesus, this motherfucker REALLY likes owls, doesn’t he?

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That’s actually pretty terrifying, magic or no magic.

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“Marty, you gotta come with me!”

Oh, wait… wrong franchise.

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Colin:

“I hope, tonight, while you’re sleeping… you get hit by a car.”

I didn’t know that was a LEGITIMATE possibility, though!

That phrase stems from a time my sophomore year when Colin was playing NFL Blitz with a friend of ours, and Colin ended up winning in overtime or something, on the last play of the game. I remember some crazy 80 yard play right as time expires. And the one insult the guy could come up with was that. “I hope, tonight, while you’re sleeping, you get hit by a car.” And it was hilarious. Because it is hilarious. And that’s now one of my favorite insults to use on people.

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“Uh oh, it’s the Po Po. Man, I ain’t here.”

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“They can’t see me. I got priors.”

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Technically that’s not drinking and driving, right?

Colin:

This is a Ford Anglia (probably not stock, from the look of it) from the early 60s. One was briefly featured in Dr. No, as the car Strangways was getting into when he was murdered.

I feel like this is gonna be one of those things they mention in my obituary… “(blank) was the type of car he was getting into when he was murdered.”

Before they find me dead in a ditch, of course.

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There are two types of shots in this franchise that happen a lot — shots of Daniel Radcliffe glaring, and shots where Daniel Radcliffe looks borderline mentally retarded. The answer to this one is yes.

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Remember that scene in Brokeback Mountain?

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I like how he knows it’s a prison break immediately.

Wouldn’t it be funny — “Nah, son, we just came to say hi. We’re on our way up to Hermione’s — she’s got a keg, some of her muggle friends are comin’ over. We’re gonna have a GOOD time. Have fun with your owl books!” *VROOM*

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Uh oh – shit just got real.

Where does one get a winch when you live in a burrow?

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Just like with my cousin Ray Ray.

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♫ “Eastbound and down…” ♫

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Hood Windows and Hood Doors.

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I’d make a joke, but this is pretty awesome.

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Two movies later, I don’t think he fits through that door.

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This whole situation is weird. They hate him, and want no part of him, but they also definitely don’t want him going to that magical school. Fucking let him go if he’s gonna go. I don’t get it. Are they getting some kind of money having him in the house? Is that it? Because I don’t see what the problem is. Once he’s gone, he’s the magic people’s problem.

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Colin:

Girthquake!

I love that they made it a point to randomly have that bed of branches and shit down there for him to land on. Check out the wide shot as he’s putting in the Hood Windows. It makes NO sense that he has that there. It’s a complete eyesore in the garden. It’s there entirely for someone to fall into.

Colin:

I’d do that on purpose. When I have a house, there’s gonna be soft shit under all the windows. Or I’ll dig a trench, fill it in with those soft gym cushions for pole vaults and then cover those with sod so it looks like a normal patch of grass. Then, when I’m entertaining guests in the manly study on the third floor, I can open the window and jump. They’ll be freaked the fuck out. Tally ho.

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Yeah — that’s why I fucked yo BITCH you fat motherfucker!

Colin:

He probably does have sickle cell.

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It’s funny because he’s gonna have to go back there next year.

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You okay there, Ron?

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There’s a very weird lack of delineation between the magical world and the non-magical world. This is apparently some field in the middle of nowhere. But apparently there’s no muggles around here for miles.

What’s Arthur’s commute to work like, each day?

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Why’d they move to the one place where there’s a swamp?

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This is where the Weasleys live.

Colin:

Where they went, they really didn’t need any roads.

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It’s like something out of Babe.

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Yeah, sneaking in!

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That’s pretty cool.

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Do they have tracking devices in their forearm or something?

Colin:

Yeah, this bugged me, even when I read it in the books. What the fuck is with this Patriot Act clock? And why does Ron look like Terry Schiavo? 

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Magic is awesome.

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“Where the fuck were all of you!?”

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People being scared into silence while eating scones is the best type of reaction.

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“Harry!”

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“Where the fuck were all of you?!”

(Note: This is EXACTLY what it’s like being at other people’s houses. Spot on.)

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“They were starving him, Mum! They put bars on his window. Almost cut off his balls!”

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“Well you wait and see what I do to YOUR balls, Ronald Weasley.”

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Best moment in the film.

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Colin:

Wild GINNY appeared!

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“Mummy, have you seen my jumper?”

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“Hello.”

Colin:

HARRY used BAIT!

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Colin:

Wild GINNY is watching!

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Colin:

Wild GINNY ran!

Next time, try throwing a rock. You didn’t have a Chansey with this one.

He just says throw a rock because he’s still bitter about Cho.

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“Man, I’d never fuck a girl who acted like THAT…”

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“Ginny… she’s been talking about you all summer. Something about… having to tape her fingers together or something.”

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Welcome home, Arthur Weasley.

Colin:

“Dad loves muggles. Thinks they’re fascinating.” This has that same feeling of a white person going to study pygmies in Africa. Notice how they never smile for the camera. “Oh, you think we’re fascinating? Fuck you, sir.”

Which brings up an interesting point — what do magical Africans do?

Colin:

They’re called “Magical Negroes,” Mike.

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Gotta love a guy with this disposition. You can never say anything about him because — he has what, six kids? Seven? That’s the Irish, son.

Colin:

It just occurred to me that both Mr. and Mrs. Weasley have red hair. Was that like, they were at Hogwarts together and fell in love as the only gingers around? Or does Mr. Weasley have a fetish for red hair? How often do you see two of them at once, let alone MARRIED to one another? It must be a sexual thing. “Yeah, I love muggles! Also, pale bitches with freckles. Ginger dolls for ginger balls!”

I think you hit on a potential conspiracy — how come you never really see two gingers in the same place at the same time?

Or, they are basically treated as the country bumpkins of the wizarding world. Maybe it’s incest.

Or maybe the author is just really simple in her characterizations and thought it would be funny to go all the way up to the point where they also have a big red dog named Clifford.

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“Who the fuck are you? We don’t have another son, do we?”

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“I’m Harry Potter.”

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“You are? Good lord.”

Then, he acts like a BAMF.

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“Oh, Ron’s told us all about you. When did he get here?”

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Arthur don’t give no fuck. He’s cool with everything.

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“This morning. YOUR sons stole the car and drove it across the country last night.”

Procreation responsibility is always assigned when the kids do something bad.

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“Really? That’s awesome.”

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“I mean – that was a real fucked up thing to do, boys.”

One of the best characters in the franchise.

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Mail’s here.

(Percy looks like Andrew Garfield.)

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Missed it by THAT much.

Colin:

That owl’s flying like it just got raped by a condor.

Three Rapes of the Condor.

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That’s the Jynx of owls.

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This is a nice subtle moment – they sent all their Hogwarts letters, including Harry’s. Dumbledore knows he’s there even though he only got there an hour ago.

Colin:

So you gotta figure they’re keeping a very good eye on Harry all summer. I suppose he knew that Harry was locked in his room all summer? That they’d barred his windows? That his mail was being stolen? But that builds character, we’ll let him go through that bullshit til the semester starts.

Technically they do have good reason to leave him there — that house is protected until he’s 17. So he’s actually safer there than he is somewhere else. I’ll give Dumbledore a pass from the Asshole Train for that one. (He doesn’t get many — but that’s one.)

(Maybe more like the Ass-soul Train?)

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“There’s only one place we’re gonna get all of this –”

Chinatown.

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“Diagon Alley.”

She says it like there’s so many other places to choose from to get shit. Do people really not know where they’re gonna go at this point?

Colin:

Isn’t it convenient that the whole wizarding community has ONE place to buy shit? Like some other wizards tried to open up a strip mall somewhere and everyone went, “Whoa, whoa, whoa!” So if you want to buy ANYTHING magical, you have to go to London. Sucks for you if you live in the middle of nowhere. It’d be like trying to procure supplies for a Chinese restaurant in Nebraska. “Bok choy? Bok choy? We got corn dogs, is that what you need?” What happens if you live in Scotland and you’re making a Morning After Potion and you realize you’re short one bezoar? Guess you’ll just have to pop into London, hundreds of miles away, cunt.

I just had the idea of, “What if a bezoar was a date rape drug?” and then thought, “What about date rape drugs in the wizarding world?” You know they exist.

Maybe we should ask the Half-Blood Prince about it. I bet he’s done some dabbling into that shit. Trying to get with Lily and all…

Colin:

The date rape drug isn’t a drug. It’s three spells in a very specific order: Stupefy, Petrificus Totalus, and Levicorpus for that mid-air action. (And Alohamora in the event of a chastity belt.)

I’m not the date rape-y type, but I just wanted to point out that by the third book, Rowling’s given them all the necessary tools. I don’t approve.

That’s like, full on rape, though. I’m talking fraternity rape. When they’re unconscious. Slip them something that makes them not remember what happened and rape them that way. There are many spells that allow for rape, but there has to be some sort of potion that can also work. There has to be. I’m thinking in terms of how you portray it on a TV series. You can’t do the Irreversible method. The fraternity rape method is more network friendly. (Unless that network is HBO, in which case not only are you allowed to do the forceful rape scene, but you have to make sure to show at least three seconds of bush.)

But let’s get away from this. This is all starting to get icky.

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They’re gonna get the floo.

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Harry’s never had a floo shot before, so Ron’s gonna go first to show him.

I love that they don’t have an adult go first to show them. You know, so they can collect the kids when they come out the other side. Let’s send Ron. He’s expendable.

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“Madame Tsin’s Happy Ending Palace!”

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Colin:

And now that we’re getting to the Floo Network — this and portkeys were just ways of moving around while Harry couldn’t apparate. Honestly, if you’re outside of Hogwarts and you knew how to apparate, why would you EVER use the Floo Network or a portkey, let alone a broom? You wouldn’t even need to send an owl to someone because being able to apparate means that literally anywhere is basically in the next room. 

“Harry! Why must you always apparate when Ron and I are having sex?”
“Because it’s funny to me.”

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It’s occurred to me that floo powder must be a very lower class form of traveling. I mean, you’re essentially being shot through a fireplace. They all look dirty afterwards and are covered in ash. I imagine someone comes in through the fireplace, you think, “Oh, there’s some poor fucker who can’t afford a portkey,” right? Luicius Malfoy ain’t traveling by fireplace. He’s apparating with his little black smoke mist shit.

We only ever see the Weasleys use floo powder, don’t we? They use a portkey in Goblet of Fire, but that’s because it’s a plot device to set up the climax and because it’s a big deal. They’re going to the game and it’s like a big vacation thing, spending all that money, using the giant live-in tent and shit. But even so, these seem to be the primary methods of instantaneous travel, right? Apparating, portkey and floo powder. And whatever kind of fireplace system the Ministry uses. That Portafloo system. But – that’s the deal, right? Floo means poor?

Colin:

Not necessarily. We see at the Ministry of Magic in later films that there are people coming and going by the dozen through a series of fireplaces. What I’m getting at is, why?

You, but if you notice, that’s a very intricate system of fireplaces. They don’t use powder, they just zip them up. So they’re kind of Floo-evators, if anything. A much more advanced system. Regular poor people get dirt on them. So maybe the Weasleys just can’t afford the good floo system.

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“Well, you saw it once, now you should be able to do it.”

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Colin:

“Don’t move til you’re numb.”

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All he’s gotta do is speak VERY clearly.

Which — why? Is this like talking to the automated customer service machines? “I’m sorry, I did not understand what you were saying. Could you repeat that?”

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Only Harry says “Diagonelly” instead.

YOU HAD ONE JOB!

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Colin:

Holy shit. In the book, Harry messed up the words “Diagon Alley” because he threw the powder too fast and the fire got in his mouth. This time, he just messed up the words, decided, “fuck it,” and just threw the powder anyway. I think someone who’d had a stroke — no, I bet someone HAVING a stroke could have said it better. “Diaga Nelly?” The fuck is that shit?

He’s going downtown, baby, your street in a Range Rover…

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So Harry ends up here:

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And here we already see them setting up yet ANOTHER reference to the first movie. But that’ll come later.

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Gee, I wonder what’s gonna happen now?

Colin:

Whose hand is THAT? Can you imagine the amount of lotion they must have gone through? 

You know, for beating off.

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If Tim Burton made this, this would have been in movie one.

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How come he never got an Oscar for this?

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Why is nobody manning that store?

A store that weird with no one in front means it’s either a front for some place or… no, that’s pretty much it. They’re having animagus fights in the back for sure.

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Are those lesbians behind him? Do the lesbians have to hide in this part of town?

Why do the floors of the alleyway look like Tombstone?

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Is this the Red Light District?

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“I can smell your cunt!”

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Do people always naturally swarm upon a young boy like that?

Colin:

These people are all looking at him like he’s a big sack of free organs.

Just once, I want to describe someone as a “big sack of free organs.”

He’s gonna wake up in a crackhouse (what is the wizarding world equivalent of crack? Is it still freebase if you have a cauldron?) in a bathtub, on ice. Crackheads walking around, and shit.

(By the way — totally unrelated — this might my favorite crackhead performance I’ve ever seen. Any time I think of a crackhead walking around a crackhouse, I think of this dude. “Got that Blue Magic, baby!”)

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“Harry?”

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“What are you doing down here?”

(He really was here for the gangbang.)

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Nice reaction.

The real question is – what are YOU doing down here?”

Also, that’s exactly what Hagrid says to him as he goes to die. So there’s that.

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I love how they’re all suddenly ashamed or something. They’re like that ghost in Mario. When you look at it, it’s cool, but otherwise, it’s trying to kill you.

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That sounds nothing like “Diagonelly.”

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I love that the first line of this scene is, “You’re a mess, Harry.”

I think this is an intervention. Hagrid saw something was wrong when everyone knew Harry in the bar. Then Harry ended up in the hospital a bunch that first year… it’s becoming a problem.

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Now he finally asks what the fuck Hagrid was doing down there. Hagrid says he was looking for flesh-eating slug repellant. “They’re eating all the school’s cabbages.”

Colin:

Something like that would affect anyone with cabbages, right? So wouldn’t that be in like, Home Depot or Ace Hardware, or whatever they have in magic London? Apparently anyone with a pest problem in their garden has to go to the shop that sells pickled heads and fleshlights made of real flesh.

Also, why would something that eats flesh in its name be eating cabbages?

Flesh-Eating Slugs:

We’re trying to eat healthier. Beach season is coming.

What I’m curious about is — how convenient is it that he ended up at the place right next to where he needed to go despite saying something that sounded like neither place?

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“Uh huh.”

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Oh shit – Hermione’s back. (In golf clothes, apparently.)

Colin:

Birds. Dirty, disgusting, filthy, lice-ridden birds. You used to be able to sit out on the stoop like a person. Not anymore. No sir! Birds. You get my drift?

That would be the “Tokyo drift,” wouldn’t it?

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“Oh, so good to see you!” (That’s the reaction of someone who’s REALLY looking to get laid.)

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You all know what I’m talking about, too.

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She fixes his glasses again.

This movie references the weirdest shit. Can’t remember what the fuck the name other students are, but we know “Oculus Repairo.”

Colin:

Point of procedure — it’s not time for school yet, and they’re not on school grounds. Isn’t Hermione forbidden from using magic? Wasn’t that how that went? Or is Diagon Alley always kosher? I guess I don’t get how this works. Or maybe Rowling doesn’t get how this works. As far as I knew, if you broke your glasses on summer break, you took your shiftless, lazy ass to Lenscrafters.

I guess it’s just not in the presence of muggles? But then, I’m sure the Weasleys would get expelled too if they used magic, since it’s called “underage magic.” Hermione should actually be suspended at the moment. Maybe they just sort of let that shit go unless they hear about it, and since Harry is public enemy #1 by that point, when the Dementor attacks, they were keeping FBI tabs on him and shit, so they knew about it.

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“Now’s a good time for me to be going…”

Colin:

This killed me, cause Hagrid’s making this face.

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“Bye… all right, now… see you later, Hagrid… we’re just gonna talk a little longer and I’ll be along shortly…”

Yuh huh… classic behavior. Everybody knows it. We’ve all been there.

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He stole my book title. First Channing Tatum, now this…

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“Oh, Harry. We were worried sick about you.”

But not enough to actually go looking for him, right?

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And it’s time to introduce Gilderoy Lockhart.

P.S. That sign back there that says Dark Arts looked a lot like Dork Hats when I glanced at it. And that amused me.

It also made me notice how fucked up that other sign next to it is. Basically pointing the House Elves to the back of the shop.

But seriously, though. That’s what it’s like.

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Let’s just get glamour shots of Kenneth Branagh.

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Oh yeah, that’s the stuff.

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Work that camera, Ken.

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Spoil sport.

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They actually look like filthy peasants here.

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Because this is how celebrity culture works.

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“I’m so gonna get you laid tonight because of this.”

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“See?”

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Reaction shots are the key to comedy.

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Great shot.

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They don’t wash their faces at all before they walk in there? Working class pride, sort of thing? I can fucks with that.

Colin:

Seriously, though. What do wizards do for a living? It must be a 100% service economy, cause they don’t have any physical labor or manufacturing that needs doing. The Weasleys are dirty, poor and from the north of England, so you’d expect that they’d work in a foundry or something, but none of that shit is necessary. Mrs. Weasley doesn’t even have to wash her own dishes or knit for herself. AND THERE’S STILL SLAVES! HOW ARE THERE STILL JOBS FOR PEOPLE?

Isn’t it also great that not only do they basically live on a farm, but the father has a government job?

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Lockhart gives him all his books for free. (Right, because he can’t afford it on his own…)

P.S. What’s with Ethnic Rob Schneider back there?

Oh, and this next bit is GREAT, by the way:

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Draco’s got the best timing of all of them.

Really curious what was on that page though that he felt he needed to tear it out.

And how these signs work. They’re just casually pointing to shelves where the books are messily strewn about. How does one find anything without a book Ollivander to find things? (What are those things called again?)

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“Potter!”

I love that all I have to say is that and you can hear him saying it in your head.

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Right, though?

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Hello, Newman.

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“Leave him alone.”

Damn, she’s got some fight in her, I’ll give her that.

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“Oh look, Potter, you’ve got yourself a girlfriend.”

Draco was right.

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You know, for someone as evil as he is, being introduced to him via a pimp cane tap on the shoulder is pretty badass.

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Oh shit, it’s Colonel Tavington. (Don’t even act like you all didn’t have that SAME thought when you watched the movie for the first time.)

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Lucius Malfoy.

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I love Jason Isaac’s screen presence. He just exudes evil. It’s great. He needs no character development at all. The Patriot was his character development.

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“Your scar is legendary.”

Are you allowed to just grab a kid like that?

Colin:

Money helps. Ask Polanski.

It looks like he has a hook for a hand.

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“As is the wizard who gave it to you.”

Yeah, we get it, you’re evil.

That’s like casually dropping references to Hitler ten years after the Reich folded. We get it, you’re a Nazi.

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Subtle. Real subtle.

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“Voldemort killed my parents.”

Why does Hermione not seem to give a shit about what’s going on?

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Hemione: “Who is this asshole?”

Ginny: “Oh, Imma fuck this dude up.”

Malfoy: “I probably would.”

Ron: “I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts…”

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Lucius says Harry must be very brave to mention Voldemort’s name. Or very foolish.

I almost had a problem with this, but then I decided it was okay. I was gonna go back to the whole, “Why is everyone afraid to say his name?” thing, but then, thinking about where Malfoy was coming from, it makes perfect sense for him to say it the way he does.

But still, though, it’s weird that the dude’s name instills such fear. I guess because there’s the possibility that he can come back, and that’s what makes them afraid. If he were dead, they’d just be making jokes about him and shit. Like Hitler.

Colin:

That’s our cue to start scouring the earth for Hitler’s horcruxes.

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“Fear of a name only increases fear of a thing itself.” – Lil Kim

Colin:

“You sad little boy! Make sucky sucky on great leader!” – Lil Kim Jong-Un

Could have sworn that one was Gandhi.

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“Who is this peasant?”

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“Yes, Draco’s told me all about you… and your parents.”

You’d think she was a Ewell or something.

Gotta go buy them chiffa-robes at Diagonelly.

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Whoa… when did we go all canted angle up in this bitch? The Maltese Mudblood up in here.

(Note to film people: I’m sorry. I know there are no canted angles in Maltese Falcon, but it’s the only thing that fit the joke. I can abide all the other fucked up shit I say in the name of humor without an apology, but a blatant disregard for film history crosses the line. I deeply apologize.)

Also, look at these shots…

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Tacky, yet brilliant.

Are those supposed to be her parents? Are they just allowed in Diagon Alley like that? Doesn’t that go against the entire purpose of separate worlds? These first two movies are doing hell to the continuity.

Colin:

Wait, is that what that was? Those are her parents? And they’re just chilling here? No! That’s not how this shit works! 

They make them look like boring white people, too. Mister Rogers and shit. Almost enough to make me wonder why that woman is wearing a fez in the foreground.

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Lucius does the same thing his son did – “red hair, vacant expression, tattered, second-hand book – you must be a Weasley.” Which, it seems like red hair is really the only deciding factor in this decision. Because I went to college – second-hand books are the way to go.

Colin:

You have to think that at some point, Lucius sat down with Draco and tutored him on how to identify poor wizards by name. Hopefully there were pictures and diagrams and shit.

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Arthur what is with that hat? Seriously, man.

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She’s about to black out and wake up over a pile of bodies.

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They get into one of those civil fights, where they’re talking all chill like but everything they say is dripping in, “I fucking hate your guts.” You know… like women.

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Aww shit, son… dude just set the plot in MOTION.

Which — why does he randomly have a horcrux, again? Why is he just walking around with it and doing whatever he wants? Does he know what it is and what it can do?

And if so, how come he doesn’t actively go out looking for Voldemort? Since Voldemort says something to him in the fourth movie about how no one, not even him, came looking for him. I mean, I get why Malfoy didn’t go looking for him, but why does he randomly put a horcrux in her cauldron like that? None of this makes any sense.

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And Harry notices, too!

(What the fuck is that about?)

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“See you at school.”

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I don’t know what the fuck that was, but it was amazing. (Seriously, watch that shit regular speed. It’s great.)

Colin:

Malfoy makes all of this worth it. I have a lot of complaints about the acting in these films, mostly cause it’s all kids, but Tom Felton knows how to look like a prick. I saw an interview with him where they asked about the differences between him and his character, and what house he’d really like to be sorted into, and he was like, “Are you fucking kidding? Isn’t it still understood that Slytherin is the best?”

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They just parked their magical car in the taxi zone.

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It’s like Home Alone – they’re rushing to catch the train.

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Colin:

YOU SHALL NOT PASS!

Oh, wait… wrong franchise.

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Well Hedwig just suffered a major brain injury.

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Now, what I don’t understand about this — why are Harry and Ron the last ones to go in? Floo powder, Ron goes first and Harry goes second, no parental supervision on the other end. Here, Fred, George and Percy go first (all at least a year older than Ron and Harry and have done this at least twice now), then Molly and Arthur help Ginny go through (they didn’t help Ron last year) and shepherd her onto the train. And they just leave Harry and Ron to their own devices. There’s really no rhyme or reason for the order they use to go places. You’d think they’d have everyone go and take Ginny last. It makes no sense at all.

Colin:

What makes even less sense is that out of the several hundred people that were going onto this platform, Harry and Ron happened to be the last two. Cause you know if they’d gotten there 15 minutes early and the barrier had been closed, people would have kept showing up and someone wouldn’ve gotten to the bottom of it. But no, they’re the last two. How convenient. 

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“I don’t know either, man.”

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That’s not J.K. Rowling, is it?

Colin:

Wow, is it? Blue is NOT her color.

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The gateway randomly closed.

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Oh… you’re fucked.

Or…

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When this thing hits 88 feet, you’re gonna see some serious shit.

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So you can get to the school however you want. The train is just the most efficient (and I’m assuming, cheapest) way to get there?

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“Dude, first his forehead starts shooting lightning bolts at me and then all of a sudden I’m flying from inside a cage. I gotta lay off the shrooms.”

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So does he know where he’s going or are we just winging it based on the general direction the train goes?

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How long is the train ride to Hogwarts? Do they ever tell us? And also where did Arthur and Molly go? They don’t go on the train, do they? They just go to the magical side of the platform to drop the kids off. Where do they go after that? Back through the barrier? Maybe just drive the kids after you come back.

Mostly what I’m getting at is — the train can’t have that big a head start on them, can it? This looks like they’ve been flying around for an hour trying to find this thing.

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This is totally Scotland. Also, I love these exterior shots of the country.

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Gue–guess what I love.

Guys, guess what I love.

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So that’s where Wahlberg modeled his Happening face from.

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I can only imagine what Hedwig is seeing right now.

And also why they thought this was a good idea to put in the movie. What an unbelievably childish shot.

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Driver’s license photo.

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Colin:

How could you not see the fucking Hogwarts Express right behind you?

Tyrone:

It was a funny Anglia!

They were looking for a man with four horcruxes and a briefcase.

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Dude, maybe learn to control the car a little better. I know you’re 12, but it’s not that hard.

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Jesus, Ron. Get it together.

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Presumably there are people on this train who know magic and can help them, right?

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He’s telling him to simultaneously “Hold on!” and “Grab my hand!”

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“So, that… got a little gay back there.”

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“I don’t think we’ll be mentioning that again.”

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“Yeah… yeah.”

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“Well… I’m back.”

Oh, wait… wrong franchise.

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This is my “flirting” face.

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Of course the car picks now to not work. They don’t even say that it’s out of gas or anything (it’s enchanted) — it just, stops working. Which makes no sense at all and is really convenient. If it did that shit five minutes ago, they’d be dead.

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Oh shit. You broke your wand. That shit chose you, man.

It chose you.

Colin:

Shouldn’t they have like…training wands, or something? I got glasses when I was 11, and I went through like four pairs in the first year. Lost three, broke one. Since then, I never broke or lost any glasses. Moral of the story? 11 year olds can’t be trusted with shit that’s supposed to last.

What if no other wands want to choose him? Does he not get another one?

Maybe that’s why Quirrell didn’t have one in the last movie.

It is funny to think that wands choose you and that theoretically none could, and then you’d be fucked. Proper fucked.

Colin:

Before ze Germans get there.

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Watch out for that tree!

(Technically not a franchise. Just a reference.)

Colin:

Octopussy?

I hate that that’s almost not a joke.

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Well that’s one place to land.

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That ain’t no regular tree – that’s a Whomping Willow. And it’s about to Whomp Yo Ass!

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Colin:

In case you were wondering, the Whomping Willow’s dick just bust through the rear windshield.

But actually, though.

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It’s like a chestburster but with a tree dick.

Somebody write a review of anything I do with that exact sentence.

I love that we both separately noticed the tree dick while watching.

Colin:

Yeah. It’s cause we both tell it like it jizz.

Certainly gives “being sapped” a whole new meaning.

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In my TV series version of these books, I’d totally have a character who, whenever they walked by the tree, always randomly got hit in the fucking face by one of the branches. Only them. That shit would be hilarious.

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That’s a very specialized version of a glory hole.

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I love that. The car just throws them the fuck out.

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Colin:

Fuck yo luggage! Get yo trunk out my trunk!

Goodnight wasn’t in the trunk?

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Nice job, car.

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Colin:

Ghost ridin’ the whip.

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“Oh… why does everything I whip leave me?”

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets - 343

Maybe it’s a Third Man thing, but this is consistently one of my favorite shots in all of cinema. Not that it’s done all that often.

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Not even Hagrid sitting there, eating soup, wondering, “The fuck was that”?

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How do they know whose shit is whose?

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Did somebody tell Rupert Grint that “bigger is better” for this movie?

Colin:

Also, can we talk about how great Filch is? He looks like they pulled him straight out of a Revolutionary War era period piece in which he was a Tory getting ready to tar and feather a motherfucker. You gotta wonder why Dumbledore was so generous to this awful fucking squib.

Which, squib is totally the “Jew” of the wizarding world in that it’s the actual word for what that person is and simultaneously a heinous slur for those people if your inflection is slightly off.

He’s the Renfield of Hogwarts.

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets - 347

I love how in England they say what type of car it is. In America that shit wouldn’t show up until at least the second paragraph.

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Snape snipes at them about how they were seen by muggles and “have risked the exposure of our world!”

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MOTHERFUCKER YOU HAD MUGGLES IN DIAGON ALLEY!

Seriously… consistency is all I ask. I don’t need logic, just, consistency.

Colin:

You expose the wizarding world on a daily fuck basis by fucking muggles and having magical children born to Muggles and all that shit. This is crap.

I also expose the wizarding world every day in other ways, too.

It’s not indecent if you can apparate. That’s all I’m saying.

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He says that if it were his decision, they’d be expelled right the fuck now.

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“As it is –”

(Nice lighting.)

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“They are not.” (AKA, I’m everywhere at once, motherfucker.)

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“Professor Dumbledore.”

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“Professor McGonagall.”

Torn between whether or not that’s bad exposition or acceptable exposition.

Certainly not gonna get Exceeds Expectations, I’ll tell you that.

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets - 355

Fucking tattletale.

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“These motherfuckers broke the bylaws for underage magic!”

Colin:

Wasn’t it agreed upon by everyone in the world that if your finger slants upwards from the rest of your arm as you point, that’s gay?

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets - 357

“I’m quite aware of the bylaws, Severus –”

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“Having written quite a few of them myself.”

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets - 359

(Motherfucker.)

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That’s right, shut it down. You just got “the look.”

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“Thought so… Now… you two — you fucked up.”

Did they, though? The car was already magic? They didn’t use spells or anything. This is more like a “talking to” offense.

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“We’ll get our stuff, then.”

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“What are you talking about, Mr. Weasley?”

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“You’re going to expel us, aren’t you?”

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Look at this look – this look kills me. It’s that, “Do you really think I’m some heartless woman?” look.

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“Not today, Mr. Weasley… but seriously, you guys did fuck up.”

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“I’ll be writing to your families tonight…”

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Well that’s a one-sided punishment, isn’t it?

And she just sends them off, like that.

Also, shouldn’t the Weasleys know the car is gone?

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets - 369

“You lucky motherfuckers.”

This is where we’ll END PART I.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow we continue with howlers, mudbloods, parseltongue, “the Chamber of Secrets has been opened,” and other things involving vaginas.

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

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